When people tell me I don't seem autistic, I make sure to tell them that "mild" autism means that my autism is easy for them, not that it is easy for me. It took me years of directed practice and intensive study to have social skills as good as mine are. And even still I am liable to make embarrassing missteps if someone goes off script and I don't have enough spare cognitive capacity to improvise.
@isomeme
Ай бұрын
"Easy for you, not easy for me" is brilliant. I've added that to my conversational toolkit. Thank you!
@timseguine2
Ай бұрын
@@isomeme it's probably not original, but I came up with it because I live in Germany and the word for mild and easy are the same in German.
@pookahchu
Ай бұрын
I'm autistic and I want to travel. I simply say, I would like the opportunity to embarrass myself in every language and country please.
@jessicadepot9181
Ай бұрын
"Easy for you, no easy for me" I'll definitely be using that, thank you for sharing. When I'm overstimulated I have such a hard time forming coherent sentences I come off as either crazy or on drugs. I've literally had people ask if I'm on drugs and it's heartbreaking. But, often those people won't accept my autism. It just makes no sense.
@georgiezocean
Ай бұрын
Love that way of putting it, it's easier for them, not easier for me! Some of us appear very high functioning & "normal" enough, but have difficulties that make life harder for us.
@kensears5099
Ай бұрын
"Yeah, we're all a bit autistic." Gut-punching vapid and oblivious. It's like saying, "Yeah, we're all a bit Chinese" or "Yeah, we're all a bit left-handed" or "Yeah, we're all a bit allergic to peanut butter." No. Either you are or you're not.
@kensears5099
Ай бұрын
@@rickastley4295 😄
@labrat_09
Ай бұрын
I have no idea how that phrase came to be
@zoeolsson5683
Ай бұрын
I think it comes from an NT place of social grace performance. NT folk are trying to smooth things over by saying they too have some autistic traits. "You are not weird we all are weird" ... And that's ok if they are really empathising with our struggles yet it might be also just a thing to say to rebalance the social discourse
@arobinreads
Ай бұрын
Great examples!
@oneeyedphotographer
Ай бұрын
I think it's generally intended to express empathy. I don't get excited about it, I describe it as a collection of traits some of which cause problems. If you don't have those problems, you're not autistic. Then I go into infodump.
@MrStyles784
Ай бұрын
"Just learn to read the room" despite more than three decades of miscommunications, as if I just hadn't tried yet in all that time...
@rachelann9362
Ай бұрын
“Just learn to read the room…” Me: “that’s literally Autism-I can’t.”
@misterfelixguy11
Ай бұрын
"Just get the vibe" is another similar one I've heard
@stuartchapman5171
Ай бұрын
As we're all different, I'd like to say I can read certain aspects of a room. I can't, read the room in order to do the whole socialising, fitting in thing. I can sometimes walk in a room, and in an instant realise it's not a safe vibe for me to try and navigate. I think this is one of those pattern recognition fight flight or freeze responses. The sort you aquire through 50+ years of social trauma. Like aversion therapy on rats, choose the green door, tasty treat, choose the red door, electric shock. As you can tell I also developed a strong gallows humour to cope. Probably not mega healthy, but hey, whatever gets you through the night.
@MrStyles784
Ай бұрын
@@stuartchapman5171 That's what makes it more frustrating - I'm not inept, and often pick up on nuances that they're completely unaware of while I'm missing the ones that are obvious to them. "How can you be so smart and so dumb at the same time?" commonly accompanies the aforementioned demand to "just" do what I'm unable to do. Instead of considering the possibility that not everyone sees and processes the world the same way, people like my step dad somehow manage to simultaneously hold my strengths against me and blow my weaknesses out of proportion, portraying me as a lazy, dishonest failure when I'm trying my best, asking for help, and the only reason I can't succeed is people like him denying me any help while actively placing additional barriers in my way just to "teach me a lesson."
@edwardlulofs444
Ай бұрын
3 decades? It took me 67 years before I realized.
@tbb4023
Ай бұрын
Saying everyone is a little bit autistic is like saying if many people suffer from lower back pain, we are all a little bit paraplegic. Autism makes life really, really challenging on a daily basis.
@annaavramenko9123
Ай бұрын
well put!
@alecogden12345
Ай бұрын
Yes, that's a good analogy. 👍🙏
@amandag5072
Ай бұрын
Most common one I've heard is "You don't look autistic". A great reply is "well, you don't look like an idiot".
@georgiezocean
Ай бұрын
Fun, but maybe a little rude. Unless the other person is also doing other idiot things and you want to insult them. But, I reckon if we don't want others to be insulting to us, we shouldn't then be insulting to them (unless they are being clearly mean intentionally I guess, then maybe it's "gloves off")
@all.the.same.iProductions
Ай бұрын
That’s such an autistic response. 😂
@MsLizziebeth1
Ай бұрын
@@amandag5072 Amanda, that is horribly offensive right upfront, to a person who was probably trying to be kind. Count the number of friends you can afford to pi$$ on.
@amandag5072
Ай бұрын
@@MsLizziebeth1 Actual friends would never say such a thing. Please stop gaslighting those with disabilities into believing we should be more concerned about not offending neurotypicals.
@davidp1963
Ай бұрын
🤣🤣🤣GOOD ONE!
@acrodave9287
Ай бұрын
The worst thing isn't what people say, it's when you tell old friends you've been diagnosed and they stop talking to you and gradually reject you completely.
@turtleanton6539
Ай бұрын
Indeed😂😂😂
@annayusim4899
Ай бұрын
Same thing happened to a friend
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
Sadly, but surely for the best ...those people were never a friend. 🥺 I'll never forget when I told a friend 🫣 and she straight up just kept talking to me during our conversation (which was about a lot of stuff; we hadn't talked in a while) at the same pace... Never skipped a beat. ...👀 😳 Honestly... I really was surprised. I wasn't sure how she would take it. The conversation flowed so smoothly that I actually repeated myself. 🧐😆 ...She said, "Oh girl, No!.. I get it." It was the biggest relief. Putting yourself out there as a possible target is so very difficult. If they are not understanding, or even care to try, you are much better off moving forward. Personally, I take rejections to mean that there are better things waiting for you. 💖💞💕💗💕💞💖
@mooseymoose
Ай бұрын
They all did that *before* I figured out the ASD thing.
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
Yes! I'm so afraid that will happen that I actually haven't told anyone outside my immediate family. I still had to work pretty hard to help them understand what that meant, but at least they didn't reject me. I was rejected by so many 'peer groups' growing up for being clumsy, nerdy, shy etc. so I am afraid I'll have to go through all of that again if I tell people who I can't be sure if they care about me as unconditionally as my immediate family does. Oddly, it's easier for me to chat and be open about autism with perfect strangers on forums and social media platforms like this than it is for me to talk about it with people I've known for a long time.
@Valreg
Ай бұрын
“You’re always so quiet”…it’s because find small talk difficult and it’s gotten harder to maintain the polite facade over time
@robertsteinbach7325
Ай бұрын
If I get a "you're so quiet" it is always because I have nothing to talk about that they are interested in. Meanwhile I will find the most quiet person and we will talk because I will talk about what they want to talk about, not what the group wants to talk about, which is usually putting down someone and getting themselves into trouble at work by their loose talk.
@christinechapman9764
Ай бұрын
"why can't you....?" (People used to say this to me before I knew I was autistic, so I didn't have an answer. It made me feel so powerless and defeated.)
@guusvonscheven
Ай бұрын
This I recognize so much!
@NJP76
Ай бұрын
I often ask myself, "Why can't I do ... ?" "Why do I see things so differently?" It has been a lifelong struggle. (Side note, I never knew I was Autistic until recently.)
@JaneAustenAteMyCat
Ай бұрын
Oh this one broke my heart. I've had that too, but not for ASD
@christinechapman9764
Ай бұрын
@@NJP76 me neither, this year actually. My friend (who is also ASD) knew though. When she realised she was she also twigged that I was.
@MagnificentlyHighAlien
Ай бұрын
Throughout school.
@AndyPanda9
Ай бұрын
"You're weird!" is what people have been saying to me for 70 years! When I tell anyone that I'm autistic they always say that I can't be because I look them in the eyes.
@DWSP101
Ай бұрын
I know what it’s like to be called weird trust me. I understand your comment 100% I’m still called weird and I don’t even know what it is that I do that is weird because to me I’m doing nothing weird.
@dottyfulcrum
Ай бұрын
I had someone tell me, when I was 14, that I should look people in the eyes when I'm talking with them. So I trained myself to do just that. Meaningless for me, though: I could look at their elbow and "feel" the same thing inside. It doesn't mess me up---but, I have used that to drive points home that are otherwise not believed. Like, it's more believable if I stare at their eyes. Now that is weird.
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
🤣🤣🤣 Forgive them... For they know NOT!.. what the heck they speak. 🤣 ...When someone calls me "Weird."... I say... "THANK YOU!!! 😮😃😃🥰🥰🥰." 🤣🤣🤣 ....I am content being "Weird." I love it. And I will tell people... "I'd rather be Weird... than Boring."
@ros8986
Ай бұрын
@@felifae80 I understand your sentiment, but I don't think insulting people (by calling them boring) is a great response, it seems to me to be the opposite of the kind, caring world you wish to live in? But of course you could be a troll, if so consider yourself patted.
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
@@ros8986 This is why I don't usually say anything, now as an adult, even more as a child. I was being silly.. It's usually my family that calls me "weird"... And since they joke with me about being "weird" (...I am 'of' them...🧐🤭) I joke with them. ...And when I've said that.. it had NOTHING to do with them .. just stating that 'I'.. would rather not be boring. ...I should have clarified that. ...I don't really speak to people outside of my family anymore, really not much ever.. Mostly from being misunderstood... and put down ...because of the misunderstanding. I can't handle being seen as someone I am not. That just rips my soul out.
@mimiwaldorf7431
Ай бұрын
The most annoying comments for me are: "We're all autistic in some way", "You can't be autistic, you have feelings"... and "You're not autistic, you just have autistic traits"...😐
@jasonclow6962
Ай бұрын
"Everyone is a little autistic."
@MrRofl131
Ай бұрын
Specific said by professionals is the worst. They need to stop reading about autism from books written in the 80s. They need to understand there has been made a lot of progress for training professionals
@Catlily5
Ай бұрын
@@MrRofl131They didn't say that in the 80's. That is a more modern misconception.
@I_have_no_name-j2x
Күн бұрын
YEAH, This question ticks me off. I may not say it ticks me off when I hear that from people, but it does.
@user-rz5vl5ft3k
Ай бұрын
"You think too much".
@rongravelle603
Ай бұрын
“You talk too much.” Or when I’ve been silent for a long time because the person who said that is mystified at my subsequent silence: “I didn’t mean for you to just clam up”
@DShaw1776
Ай бұрын
Quit overthinking it….
@user-rz5vl5ft3k
Ай бұрын
@@DShaw1776 Yes! Even more so.
@georgiezocean
Ай бұрын
Oh my God, yes. We're over thinking it... that one has been very common for me too!
@resourceress7
Ай бұрын
I always wonder what's usually going on in someone else's brain when they say that. Nothing? How do they live like that?
@NeighborhoodOfBlue
Ай бұрын
I am nearing 40 and still not officially diagnosed, after being denied a diagnosis by the last therapist I had, because "if I'd managed this long without it, there'a no real benefit to getting the diagnosis now". All I really want is help and support, and we live in a world that requires labels as proof you deserve help. I struggle to ask for help so much already, so to ask and be denied only feeds my despair and isolation.
@KellyRVaden
Ай бұрын
I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. Shortly before I turned 40, I was lucky to receive an official diagnosis (albeit at a pediatric autism facility), and I still cannot get help or support because of the same mindset (you've managed this long). Despair is the perfect description. Self diagnosis is 100% valid. I really hope you are somehow able to get your needs met. Don't give up. ❤
@divine_consciousness
Ай бұрын
Sounds like you need a new therapist
@anniella29
Ай бұрын
@@KellyRVaden I tried for nearly 20 years to get a diagnosis for my son, at 23 we were given it, immediately being told by the psychiatrist, of course there's nothing else we can offer you anyway.
@KellyRVaden
Ай бұрын
@@anniella29 It's devastating. Seems there's still this mentality that we grow out of it. 😢
@Bloopsheep
Ай бұрын
I am with you, I decided to stick with my self diagnosis and seek help based by that. The fact that I “managed” all my life has nothing to do with my real needs and everything to do with pure survival skill to learn how to mask 😢
@matthewdancz9152
Ай бұрын
My favorite is, "I couldn't tell." It is called masking.
@Volkbrecht
Ай бұрын
But that is why we cannot tell. It takes two to tango.
@MrStyles784
Ай бұрын
On the opposite side, several of my friends responded to the news with, "...yeah, that makes sense..." before going back to whatever it is we were planning to do - I've had a couple people sheepishly try to apologize for that reaction, thinking it was rude, but I just laughed and explained how it was one of the best reactions one could give.
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
A while back, someone said that to me when I was so exhausted and stressed that I couldn't keep the mask on any longer that day and they saw me have a meltdown. I told them, after I recovered from the meltdown, that most of the time, I can concentrate hard enough to hide it but that I was just too exhausted to keep it up today. In a way, it wound up being a good thing because that person is now someone whom I can vent to and open up to about the challenges I face due to how society treats autistic people. He actually seems to understand or at least sympathize in a genuine way.
@clivesmith9377
Ай бұрын
A general Practitioner told me: "But autistic people cannot communicate and you can". Another GP asked me if I'm good at math. And another one asked me about what I do all day. I've told them to go to Wikipedia and read the pages on "Autism" and "Asperger's Syndrome". And someone complained about me after confronting her about her knowledge on Asperger's. She was under the impression that it gets better when I was saying it doesn't, but she thought she knew better because she had taken a 3 hours seminar on it. She got very angry at me (typical). It's ok for them to confront you and insult you in front of others, but when you return the favour, things get ugly.
@apis8020
Ай бұрын
A whole 3 hours! Wow 👏 What a great start! I’ve been working with this for some decades now, but you’ll get there if you really focus on it like I have 😂
@amandag5072
Ай бұрын
A DWP PIP assessor asked me during his assessment when he would grow out of his autism.
@fruitsalad8768
Ай бұрын
I am quite happy with how my GP handled things when I told them, even though they didn't know much about it. The first thing they told me when I started talking to them about autism was that they don't know much about it which I'm glad they were transparent about, and then they told me to book a followup appointment, and they did a bit of research before that followup appointment. In this followup appointment they had me do the AQ test and asked me about a couple common autistic traits and if I relate to them. Then they said that they can see why I have been looking into the topic and then helped me in trying to find a place where I could try to pursue a diagnosis 👍
@chaosv1123
Ай бұрын
Literally. It's okay for people to flip out and be brutal with you, but the instant you do it, you can't control yourself or you don't care about me.
@michaell8000
Ай бұрын
isn't it the absolute best when some mental health person comes up and says "I've got a degree with autistic people" like oh cool you went to a course that probably lasted an hour or 2 for 5 days if that over 3 years and outside of doing the homework for it that's all you know of it that means you know more than me after all I've just been living with it for decades.
@margomulvihill349
Ай бұрын
I didn't realize until I was in my 60s that I was autistic. I went through my life quietly doing better work than anyone else, but was always the first one laid off. They didn't realize my value, even when they had to hire two people to replace me.
@bunnyboo6295
Ай бұрын
More like they don't care about the value you bring. Its always about whom they like as people who they are buddy buddy with. It not about who is most skilled in most case's its about connections first then whether you have some level of skill to be at least passable.
@louisejoel
Ай бұрын
@@bunnyboo6295 This is so true. It took me a long time to work this out
@hedwignl8118
Ай бұрын
Yes!… this! .. exactly what happened to me.. a few times. Never understood it and always kept wondering why? (I didn’t know I am autistic at the time either)..
@jenniferburchill3658
Ай бұрын
@@margomulvihill349 The social mazes at workplaces are difficult for even "neurotypicals" to navigate.
@jenniferburchill3658
Ай бұрын
@@bunnyboo6295 Even though work is supposed to be work and NOT a social hangout.
@Dan_Chiron
Ай бұрын
"Autistic or not, everyone can learn basic social rules", meaning we all can learn what topic might be insensitive by reading social cues (after I explicitly said *I can't* read social cues). Very aligned with that one: "You just don't want to make an effort". And my favorite: "You want everyone to accommodate your needs, but what about you? What are you doing to fit other people needs?" (Well... -read with Gary Oldman's voice-: "Everyyythiiing!").
@autisticyep
Ай бұрын
OMG - 'you just don't want to make an effort': if they only knew how much effort every conversation is for me!
@user-ye1go6hw9r
Ай бұрын
"...everyone feels that way..."
@chairmanrexton956
Ай бұрын
😂 I get this all the time, living in the very conformist society of Japan
@MilkyFudgeNuts
Ай бұрын
everyone experiences that from time to time
@hazeljordan6612
Ай бұрын
I also get told this on a regular basis! Plus 'we're all in the same boat' OR 'we all have our issues and troubles. Just get on with it' OR 'Just deal with it & stop complaining' . So annoying & frustrating!
@doloresvangaal2248
Ай бұрын
Omg this one makes my blood boil...
@motionista
Ай бұрын
@@chairmanrexton956ironically, in my nonconformist country no one ever noticed anything was wrong with me, because the window of acceptability is so wide. But it’s in Japan that I could finally get diagnosed and receive treatment for adhd that is not recognised in my country for adults.
@Norplinger
Ай бұрын
That last one costs lives. I had to forego part of my cancer treatment because there are no hospitals that are prepared to accommodate autistic needs, which means there is a higher chance that the cancer will return. I wonder how many autistic people die because we get to a point where we just can't face the struggle of trying to communicate our needs to medical professionals any longer.
@MiaJFWyns
Ай бұрын
So sorry for you ! But yes you are right : we experience higher risk of not being heard because of "wrong" communication with medical professionals which is of course our "mistake". Masking can lead to situations not come across as urgent/serious. "Talking" about "where" and what you feel regarding pain and body experiences lead to other/wrong medical exams/research and tests which lead to wrong conclusions. So wrong medical prescriptons and treatment programmes. Etcetera etcetera. And on top of that we have genderbias as a lot of medical research is not taking into account the different biology of male and female bodies. Even more dangerous : test programmes for medication leave this differences out as the female body is too "complicated". It can be life threatening indeed. Lots of Courage !
@edwardlulofs444
Ай бұрын
Yes, I am resigned to death because treatment often seems worse. I dare not tell anyone that!
@ninaleach6350
Ай бұрын
I can empathise. I really struggled with my cancer treatment. After chemo, I had 2 years maintenence therapy (4+ hour infusions ) too. My haematologist is kind and caring and most of the staff treated me well BUT I dreaded it all. I wore my hidden disabilities lanyard and cards explaining my difficulties because I have situational mutism, so communication can be a huge problem. The problem was that nobody fully understood my anxiety and inability to cope with a noisy, busy hospital ward. I'm also a wheelchair user which brought further complications BUT my physical disability was much easier for them to understand and deal with. My cancer is incurable but treatable, so I fear becoming bad enough for treatment again. I've had 2 friends who this has happened to, so it feels quite possible.
@edwardlulofs444
Ай бұрын
@@ninaleach6350 yes! This is one of my worst fears. At this point I wonder if death would be less stressful. Being a senior I guess that I just take 1 day at a time.
@user-xe5yy1xy6x
Ай бұрын
It is as if hospitals themselves are made to provoke meltdowns and stress. I was staying in the hospital room with my daughter and I could not sleep for even an hour because the fan was so loud, the lights were too bright. I had to take the loudly ticking clock and put it in a drawer under a sweeter. It was freezing cold. My daughter was fine with all this, but I was so frazzled.
@guusvonscheven
Ай бұрын
My whole life I felt that I am different then other people, I never felt comfortable in things like going to the disco, receptions, birthday parties etc. After watching your video of traits of autistic people I recognized so many things: Things like: asking myself where did I put my keys (2 minutes ago; terrible memory), but remembering that in a mosque in Istanbul about 25 years ago the guide said that in the corners they had two glass bottles, so in case of an earthquake the people would be warned by braking glass (great memory about something completely irrelevant), hitting the doorpost in my own house, problems with phone calls, triple checking emails, being angry at myself for a simple spelling mistake, being to much focused on a task that I forget time and don't notice what's happening around me. All these things explain so much! This video was a real eye opener. I now say: "I am autistic, I am not crazy, but I am not good in recognizing faces" Having diagnosed myself with autism explains for me why I am and feel so different than other people. Today a person said: "how do you know you're autistic, you have not been diagnosed. I think you want to be autistic" To hear this was for me real nasty to hear. It means that this person did not take me seriously and ignores that I have problems with some "easy" things, like getting a job, making a decision, pushing people to do what they supposed to do etc. etc.. It's not nice to be autistic. I'm pretty sure a lot of my problems have to do with autism. Why do I hate interviews for a job so much? Why do I "talk to much", why do I feel not to be taken serious, why do I not see if people can be trusted or not, why can't I stop warning people in Ghana about the danger of putting asbestos slates on the road, even when they're obvious not interested, etc. etc, why can't I talk about football, why does everyone recognize me and I don't recognize them etc. etc. It's good to realise that I now know why I feel and am so different then other people, that I'm not the only one. To keep functioning in this world is difficult and other people do not see difficulties in things that are difficult for me. A sentence like " why don't you.............(then something obvious) " or "you should.....(then something obvious)" is what I really hate to hear. I'm Dutch, am married with a Ghanaian wife and live in Ghana, so I do not only have social problems because of my autism, but also problems because of the different culture. Life is not easy.
@alisonwhite9588
Ай бұрын
You just described 99% of me and my experiences (& I'm a 59yo white fm Aussie). Also self identified. Also autistic. For real. No matter what anyone else insists. I believe you. I hear you. I recognise you. Welcome, friend.
@dominiqueferate532
Ай бұрын
I'm a woman in my 60s, self-diagnosed AuDHD. I completely agree with the discomfort with parties and noisy, chaotic environments (it got a bit better in my teens but it depended on the party). BTW, unfortunately, although not face blind, with age I have gotten a lot worse remembering names. Some advice I got from another support group was maybe labeling the specific difficulty without giving out your diagnosis/self-diagnosis. If you don't care to hear other people's opinions about your self-diagnosis, saying: "I am not good at recognizing faces", and not automatically explaining why. The statement above should already warn them that you may not recognize them in another setting. You do not owe them a diagnosis. If they ask in good faith for an explanation and you think that you can give it safely, you could explain that you suspect that you are neuro-divergent; but it is your choice every time. You can also say that you can only join parties for a short time or that you do not like noisy settings, etc.
@janjeny
Ай бұрын
Thank you for sharing. The good thing that you do is your sincere type helps others to understand jow autistic people feel because those that have it and deny it are not sincere or may be fo not feel they are autistic. Thank you do much God bless you
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
Ooh yes! That 'Maybe you just want to be autistic so you can be special' kind of line really makes me mad. How do I explain to people that I would much rather fit in and get along with society easily? I simply can't do it. Every time I have tried, it has ended in a humiliating failure.
@allesdurchprobiert
Ай бұрын
A classic from my childhood: "Why aren't you more like the other kids? That's not normal!"
@xiphocostal
Ай бұрын
"Hi! How are you going!" after excluding you, gossiping about you and backstabbing you ; and walking straight past you without waiting for an answer. But they asked how you are, so they are nice neurotypical people. no. 🙄
@guusvonscheven
Ай бұрын
In Ghana everybody says "how are you doing" I just say " I'm OK " because people do not really want to know how I am doing. It's like saying "good morning"....with the answer "good morning", even when the morning is terrible. In Ghana when you eat and somebody is talking to you, you say "you're invited" . That's just another example of small talk, because you' do not really invited the person to the meal. It's (useless polite) small talk. Next time with the "Hi how are you going!" person, you can answer "Fine, and how are you?" .... and then you just walk away without waiting for an answer.🙂
@Louis-fg4wt
Ай бұрын
Ya, welcome to the big show called life. That’s how it is! It’s a form of connection called manners that doesn’t make sense. Nothing in life makes sense. We just try to get by and have peace. It’s a form of peacemaking.
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
@@Louis-fg4wt It's stupid.
@oneeyedphotographer
Ай бұрын
@@guusvonscheven Fortunately for me, some of the sayings that trip autistics were explained in primary school, in the 50s. Including responses to "How do you do?"
@Volkbrecht
Ай бұрын
@@oneeyedphotographer That sort of thing doesn't just confuse autists. It's a cultural thing, it's not self-explanatory unless you grew into it. I met my first Americans about 14 years ago, and still have to consciously stop myself from answering this question wrong. Most days, the best I manage is to ignore it. And I'm not autistic.
@Trinzle
Ай бұрын
In lecturing voice: "everybody is a bit autistic, that's why it's a spectrum"
@JaneAustenAteMyCat
Ай бұрын
Literally heard that one last night, but didn't respond because a) I was tired and b) I didn't think they meant it in a harmful way, they were trying to be nice
@timseguine2
Ай бұрын
@@JaneAustenAteMyCat yes, the old heuristic, "are they trying to be nice and relatable?" and therefore you actually shouldn't take offense to something that is objectively a troubling opinion to hold.
@MrStyles784
Ай бұрын
@@timseguine2 when I have the energy for it, I try to educate them while being very careful not to trigger a defensive response - someday, I might even succeed
@JaneAustenAteMyCat
Ай бұрын
@@MrStyles784 yes, you do have to have the energy for it
@NJP76
Ай бұрын
Even my Chaplin at work has said that we ALL must be a "little Autistic". For some reason, that line of thought really bothers me...a lot.
@monikaallison7287
Ай бұрын
"The diagnosis was the worst thing that happened to you. You were fine before" except I was diagnosed because doctors didn't know what was wrong with me, which turned out to be an autistic burnout.
@ExkupidsMom
Ай бұрын
I feel this so hard. At 60, I finally figured out that I'm a high-masking, 2E, autistic woman with ADHD. I've had so many burnouts through my life that I just thought was me being lazy and anti-social. I've lost jobs, relationships, money, and family because of them, not to mention a ton of self-loathing.
@ThorIsHereGames
Ай бұрын
I wish people would stop saying: "The things you're complaining about are things everyone struggles with. I don't think you're really autistic at all." Or: "You're just saying you are autistic to get pity/sympathy." Or: "Have you tried XYZ? I've heard it can cure/treat/reduce autism symptoms." Or: "You still need to make an effort to socialize, autism is not an excuse."
@MrStyles784
Ай бұрын
That last one, especially - so many times, I was accused of making excuses, when they had just asked me why I did or didn't do something, or why I did it the way I did, etc, and I was just answering their question; not excusing anything, just explaining.
@arrow9293
Ай бұрын
As in job searches being hard for everyone. Here’s the thing though, other people still get jobs even if they find it hard. We continually get rejected at the interview stage for misunderstanding cues. Or if not at the interview stage then if there’s a questionnaire that comes after we send them the resume and cover letter.
@michaell8000
Ай бұрын
i refuse to take drugs for my condition because it'd be proscribed by some NT who thinks I need a focus enhancer or some nonsense no thank you.
@Huismusje77
Ай бұрын
I have to correct you. If you are in a wheelchair (I am in parts of my life), you also hear the same stupid things and prejudice. For instance, former friends of my thoughts it would be fun to go on a ski trip together. I told them I could not participate and would not want to stay back. But they had it all figured out..... I could watch the dog, than the dog could come along and I would not be alone. Or people think you cannot do anything and you are intellectual impaired. And I heard from an other wheelie (because she had a spinal cord injury and paralyzed from the chest down) that a doctor said to her, because she had a heart problem, that she should just take a good walk everyday. Or when she needed to transfer from her chair to a bed "oh just take a step, that would be so much easier" from a health care professional. So yes, even in a wheelchair you hear that you just need to stand or walk. Or, what I find really bad, that you should be thankful that they made a building accessible especially when you need to wheel around a big building, enter thru the back (alone, everybody else enters they the front) and go up in the freight elevator, between al the boxes and go on a hunt for your friends (no, they are not allowed in the elevator, no, because of the policy that customers are not allowed there). It is not only "just" autistism where you hear the stupid things. It is with everything that is besides the "norm". I sit on a board for the local authorities to better the accessibility for everybody, whether you can't read or write, problems seeing or hearing or.... And it is the same for everybody.
@ninaleach6350
Ай бұрын
You're quite correct. It's an example of the fact that unless we're having the same life experience, we don't know what it's really like to be in someone else's shoes or in this case, wheelchair. As I've said, elsewhere, visible disabilities are obviously more recognisable. However, some people know the right things to do or say BUT in many cases they don't 😢 I wear a hidden disabilities lanyard and cards and somebody told me that I didn't need to wear it as it was obvious that I was disabled. I explained that just being recognised as disabled wasn't enough to understand all my different needs. For instance, I have a card that explains my situational mutism because I can't always communicate by speech. It's not easy is it?
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
It sure is. I agree with you. I think Paul's point is that in so many instances, autism is not taken as seriously as other physical and mental challenges are. Accessibility to places and to groups of people still isn't as good as it should be for people in wheelchairs, I agree, but at least the governments of many countries are starting to require businesses and public groups to try. Getting even an imperfect and inconsistent level of accommodation for autism is very much still in its infancy. Getting it included into ADA policies is still a struggle.
@koalamama2
Ай бұрын
5:54 "I have a degree working with kids and special needs; I know how to communicate with autistic people." I still have PTSD from someone who told me that. She did not actually have the slightest idea what autism is really like and how to respect needs.
@aussiefurbymogwaifan6621
Ай бұрын
Ugh, I hate "special needs"🤮
@bunnyboo6295
Ай бұрын
Well yeah educated know it all's are the worst personally I think they are the one's truly with low intelligence that prided themselves on studying learning to parrot what is told to them in books they have no real comprehension or critical thinking skills they cover that up by talking down to people like you they need to knock you make you look inferior to protect their ego's. They are also incapable of listening to others that are labeled with something they are full of themselves have some self-righteous complex of wanting to show off to the larger community by claiming to take on help those that no one else wants to deal with. They follow their book/training self-absorbed hard to get through to them they legit can't hear you their brains are shut down they are self-center only concerned with appearing good-hearted person to those of status
@rongravelle603
Ай бұрын
It’s been my experience that most people who work in the psychiatric field are using supremely outdated ideas from the early part of the 20th century
@gsmeo309
Ай бұрын
I can relate to this, unfortunately. When I was 10, my family and I moved to another town in another county within our state, and one of the reasons was to get me away from the emotionally and verbally abusive educators at my school who had the degrees but did not have the proper skills to work with disabled kids. I hated elementary school. While I have very few specific memories from that time, I’m overall aware of what happened to me.
@GringatTheRepugnant
Ай бұрын
Likewise... a previous boss, who insisted she knew better because her daughter was on the spectrum and she knew what was best for me too... I feel bad for her daughter.
@dashleydiepen4487
Ай бұрын
“Why can’t you just do it”………”if I can do it then you can do it”
@allesdurchprobiert
Ай бұрын
"Oh really?! I can think. Why can't you?" 😂
@guusvonscheven
Ай бұрын
In other words: you're lazy. People have no idea how difficult and scary some social things are.
@karenteneyck9835
Ай бұрын
My favorite was my neighbor saying, “But there’s no such thing as autism.” Then, smirking every time I mentioned it afterwards. We are no longer speaking to each other. Most of the comments you mentioned I can deal with as I do consider it part of my life now to educate the public, one by one. I know most in the community don’t feel that way. Love to you all! ❤
@arobinreads
Ай бұрын
I understand why you want to educate people. It's just so exhausting, especially if they don't even know basic things. And I already have to explain what trans is to people, that one happens more often. People can just educate themselves, they just don't do it for some reason
@rebeccamay6420
Ай бұрын
A dismissive ignorant and outright rude comment deserves an equally obnoxious false response-- "Then I guess there's also no such thing as lefthandedness either." I'm left-handed (and recently late-self-diagnosed autistic). This sometimes puts me at a disadvantage. There are also times when being left-handed gives me the upper hand. 😉 Most tools and gadgets are designed to function best when used in a right-handed manner. It is uncommon to find left-handed versions of right-handed implements. The right-handed world doesn't seem to recognize the need to accommodate "lefties." I've seen left-handed scissors -- it's rare to find them, but they exist. I've had so many more opportunities to strengthen and practice using my non-dominant hand than most right-handed people have had. Therefore, when my left hand/arm gets tired, I'll easily switch to working right-handed for a while to give my left a moment to rest. Conversely, when I see a "rightie" friend struggling to do something that requires using their left hand, they tend to stop trying and ask me to it instead.
@kjamison5951
Ай бұрын
I was diagnosed at 56 years old. I watched one of your early videos and then asked my doctor for a referral to be assessed. That took two and a half years on a waiting list because Adult Autism Services where I live are poorly supported. The diagnosis revealed that I have been on the spectrum my whole life. Fewer than 20 people know I am on the spectrum. No one in my family knows. My mom would dismiss it because her idea of ASD is the extreme, non-verbal, rocking and stimming part of the spectrum. I have heard the majority of the comments you listed at some point. The ones that don’t address ASD specifically in name. Early on I learned to mask without knowing what I was doing. I’ve just retreated further and further into myself and developed other coping mechanisms. My mental health has suffered and despite stating they were trained in dealing with autistic people, mental health professionals said nothing that would improve any aspect of my life. Thank you for making this subject very accessible in a global format such as YT. I find it difficult to empathise with others. I just would not want anyone to miss being diagnosed early enough that it would change their life for the better.
@blatherskite9601
Ай бұрын
For me, an important point is - have things improved for you now you finally got a diagnosis? I can see that having an explanation is useful, but does the diagnosis make your life better?
@zennenn
21 күн бұрын
@@blatherskite9601I'm having difficulty understanding why you're asking this. Are you trying to determine if you want to pursue a diagnosis, or are you criticizing someone else's decision to get a diagnosis after the fact?
@RockwellLifeStyle
Ай бұрын
"But you don't LOOK autistic!" As if autism has a look.
@trubblebubble1
Ай бұрын
I'm convinced there's a whole bunch of people that think autism and Down syndrome are the same thing.
@turtleanton6539
Ай бұрын
Indeed😊
@turtleanton6539
Ай бұрын
@@trubblebubble1yeeh
@jimwilliams3816
Ай бұрын
Pink with purple polka dots! I know someone who has a nephew who’s autistic, and he...
@gaylynyoung6387
Ай бұрын
I got a double one day. “You don’t look autistic” OK, what does autistic look like? I think she was looking for Rainman. Same person later, “You don’t look Jewish.” OK then… I felt like asking if I looked Catholic or Mormon but I’d given up by then.
@BobDouce
Ай бұрын
'Everyone is a bit autistic', that one switches me off every time. They don't realise what they're saying and get so offended when I blank them and then it all becomes about their feelings? 🧔
@linden5165
Ай бұрын
A couple that I don't think were included (unless I missed them): "Oh, but you're nothing like my nephew/grandchild/colleague's cousin's son" "You just want to be special and/or get special treatment" The high-functioning and mild comments are what bother me most. I have a menu of prepared responses I can use depending on the situation. It is also an option to not respond, or to point out they have a lot to learn but it won't be me educating them in that moment.
@Prettybabexo21
Ай бұрын
"You don't look autistic."Yep, I heard this a lot as a kid.
@forfunstudiostm3788
Ай бұрын
You ve kid in adult person😊❤😅
@Arnak-the-Dark
Ай бұрын
Yeah, I know the feeling. Growing up in the '80 - '90 ties, didn't make it easy for me. I only got my official diagnose when I was 19-20 (I'm now 45). And I never considered "You don't look Autistic", "Everyone is Autistic" or "That's my Autistic side" (from the point of view of a NT person) as positive. In fact I experience that as hurtful. Same like people saying to me me "Did you never wish to be normal?".
@amandag5072
Ай бұрын
Heard it as an adult too.
@oneeyedphotographer
Ай бұрын
@@Arnak-the-Dark I don't think I look autistic, so that one doesn't bother me. But I'm likely to go into full infodump. Then maybe I realise what I'm doing and explain, "That's autism." But sometimes I think someone does look autistic.
@Volkbrecht
Ай бұрын
Just out of curiosity: what do people think autistic looks like? So far I have known three dudes with the trait, and honestly, even after I knew I couldn't tell by looking at them.
@nate2838
Ай бұрын
What were you thinking? Whats wrong with you?. STOP ASKING QUESTIONS YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO! From the video, I think "your being dramatic" is my favorite. No, i'm not being dramatic, if anything, I'm DOWNPLAYING the seriousness of things and how they impact me.
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
Exactly.
@rebeccamay6420
Ай бұрын
💯! "No, I'm not being dramatic. I'm giving you a mere fraction of an idea of how severely I'm struggling right now." 🥲
@the-fei-system
Ай бұрын
Pausing before continuing the video, my top thing: "You're being so selfish, stop making things about yourself" (I think it's called double empathy? When you're trying to use your own experiences as a point to being empathetic?) Thoughts for the video: Thank you so much for this. It feels so validating, hearing yours and the communities thoughts and knowing that I'm not alone. All of those are so relatable! And I've heard too many. Been following your channel for a while now, and your videos are always so informative and soothing to watch/listen to. Looking forward to the new stuff! - with love, from Germany
@ninaleach6350
Ай бұрын
Double empathy is when neurodivergent and neurotypical people have a different perspective on the same issue and neither understands the other. However, we neurodivergents are always expected to understand the neurotypicals, whereas they mostly just think that we're wrong. When we share our experiences with others as a way of empathising it's often taken as "making it about ourselves" and is sometimes referred to as autistic "othering" which basically means that a non autistic person can't grasp the concept that the way we act and speak is different, so they tend to see it as *wrong*. There are other explanations but this one feels the best for me.
@user-ye1go6hw9r
Ай бұрын
"you just need to get out more."
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
One of the worst.. 😒🙄🙄🙄 (......my eyeballs can't roll back any further.) ...It might be the only one that lights me on fire as fast.
@ilFactotum
Ай бұрын
Putting myself out there is what has caused me the most trauma 😀
@kathrynparker9790
Ай бұрын
yeah that's the problem 😂
@allesdurchprobiert
Ай бұрын
Sounds like therapist advice
@thurisas8438
Ай бұрын
"How are you?" - "Alexithymic..." "You gotta try harder!" - "How 'bout you trying to accommodate to me just a tiny bit?" - 😦 "You gotta be more open!" - If you stopped talking long enough for me to process what you said and compile a thorough answer, that might actually happen... "Why don't you have a partner yet?" - "Do y..." - "NO!" "Just call [insert random stranger]"
@dande_lion
Ай бұрын
"How are you?" - "Alexithymic..." 😂
@gwenhwyfarsdottir
Ай бұрын
"But I haven't noticed you having any [social] difficulties!" ...thanks. I've gotten really good at hiding them. Also why do my struggles need to be visible to YOU specifically? Do YOU need to witness them for them to exist or be valid?
@MsLizziebeth1
Ай бұрын
Because people assess the world and you based on what is visible. The more you hide, the more false beliefs they will keep about your abilities. Stands to reason, why are you complaining? 😅
@fabiosonhandogrande1697
Ай бұрын
@@MsLizziebeth1Because they were basically forced to mask, so no one'd treat them unreasonably. It's frustrating, even if it's obvious that hidden things don't exist to majority of people. Emotional "object permanence" just ain't a thing, eh? Easy to get manipulated
@kenthuang436
Ай бұрын
A former caregiver of mine was very abusive towards me and loved using my autism as an excuse to make me so reliant on her and to keep me under her control. The really messed up part is that she also was helping a mom take care of her severely autistic son during the day in the summer and she made me meet him to force me to “appreciate” my life. That is such a horrible thing to do and I immediately recognized it as soon as she admitted it to me. It was truly both insulting and dehumanizing towards me and the kid especially since he was nonverbal and probably didn’t understand what was happening. The woman would frequently bring up the kid whenever I did something she didn’t like even when it was completely unrelated. That was 14 years ago and I’m still disgusted that she didn’t even value an autistic boy’s existence and used him as some teaching tool to try to force me to behave exactly how she wanted me to behave. She also kept pointing out physically handicapped kids in public and telling me that I didn’t have it so bad” which I knew was horribly wrong because she literally pointed at them while they weren’t looking or had their backs turned away from us. Also a school psychologist suggested that I might have been autistic but never suggested that I’d be tested to make sure even though she was supervising testing me to see if I needed extra help doing school work and learning. This lady didn’t even know me and she blamed me for being bullied and sexually assaulted and said it was “all of [his] own doing” even though I had specifically said that I didn’t feel safe in school and gave several examples of when I felt unsafe and I actually used the word unsafe and called me “lazy” when I stopped in the middle of being tested because I became extremely overwhelmed s as no my brain was shutting down from all the stress and I couldn’t move for a long time because of this and it was the only thing keeping me from having a full blown screaming meltdown of anger and frustration.
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
I am so sorry... 😞 💖💕💕💕💖
@allesdurchprobiert
Ай бұрын
"I don't know shit about autism, but I'm 200% sure you don't have it. And stop victimizing yourself."
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
Horrible. 😞
@rongravelle603
Ай бұрын
People who say things like that sound hostile, belittling and abusive.
@RPruett78
Ай бұрын
So much this!
@davidlafleche1142
Ай бұрын
What do you say when the autistic person is himself abusive?
@turtleanton6539
Ай бұрын
Ahahahsha yeh😮
@QwerAsdf-dx4rd
Ай бұрын
"don't let yourself down for this"
@Tilly850
Ай бұрын
Yeah...the sympathy...like you got a cancer diagnosis.
@QwerAsdf-dx4rd
Ай бұрын
@@Tilly850 yep.... finally all my life starts to make sense... but... lol XD
@jakke1975
Ай бұрын
The absolute worst for me is people telling me I'm throwing a tantrum, even worse when the people who are saying it are the cause of me getting a meltdown by not letting me leave to a quiet place. It feels like a 1000 shortcuts in my head making me lose complete control which mostly leads to self harm from which I'll carry the literal scars for life. And they just get to walk away and forget it ever happened.
@user-ye1go6hw9r
Ай бұрын
❤
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
♥ ...yep. 😞
@addiejacobs
Ай бұрын
This 100%! And during a meltdown and my tantrums, they tell me to "calm down, it's not that big of deal". Or it gets worse when they try to calm me down by talking to me or touching me. No, just let me have my moment to myself please. I'll get it worked out in my head myself.
@elaineb7065
Ай бұрын
My needing to chill out a bit before facing a situation was called "sulking" by my father for so long. Now I understand it's a perfectly healthy thing to take a time-out to calm down
@MrStyles784
Ай бұрын
@@elaineb7065 my step dad used to tell me that, if I needed a moment to compose myself during an argument, to say so and we could take a short break... then when I really needed it, he wouldn't let me so much as use the bathroom. I had to stay still, look him in the eye, and was expected to hear everything he said, understand what he meant, and respond only when the nonverbal cues indicated that a response was expected... I was frequently screamed at for not answering, or for trying to answer a rhetorical question...
@willowtree9291
Ай бұрын
Just be yourself.
@SuperGingerBickies
Ай бұрын
Just be yourself. Yes. The minute an Autistic person follows this advice, the person saying this changes their tune to a discordant one
@truman3.0
Ай бұрын
🙃
@kieranwhitford
Ай бұрын
"Just be yourself!" *unmasks* "NOT LIKE THAT!"
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
@@kieranwhitford Yup.
@thomashallstenpaine9727
Ай бұрын
"Just be yourself." And that's when the trouble begins.
@charissa8252
Ай бұрын
The worst thing I’ve had (repeatedly) is the public dressing down/telling off, while also being forbidden from speaking, for either not doing what was expected or for winging it during a public assessment/presentation (because I only worked out what was expected during the other peoples turns) when no-one told you what was expected, even when you asked, and when you were the only new person or only person new to the topic/task. Or in other words being held responsible for not doing something, they didn’t tell you to do. And then being publicly and loudly told off in front of your colleagues. And then being told off for being emotional.
@agataratajczak6374
Ай бұрын
It's bad to hear it from other people, but now I keep telling this load of crap to myself. I deserve better, we all do. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, can't wait for next video!
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
You tell those thoughts to "Get Outta Here!!" 💖💞💖
@agataratajczak6374
Ай бұрын
@@felifae80 I will, I'm so done with them! Thank you for encouragement💜
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
@@agataratajczak6374 Good! And you're very welcome. 🤗💖💕🫂💕💖☺
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
Yes, that's when it really become damaging and insidious: when these sorts of things invade our self talk and we start invalidating ourselves.
@isomeme
Ай бұрын
One of the most surprising "Why don't you just do X?" questions i ever got was from my therapist. She usually has a really good understanding of how my brain works. But not always, it turns out. 🙂 One of my more common patterns, especially if I'm stressed or tired, is mentally locking up when asked a question that's phrased in a way I can't answer logically. A typical example is someone asking me "Are you going to do A or B?" when I'm actually going to do C. It feels kind of like my brain sits there waiting impatiently for the person asking the question to add "C" or "neither" to the list of response options. One morning i was telling my therapist about a recent awkward social experience arising from this pattern, and she nonchalantly asked "Couldn't you have just asked for clarification?" I paused in mild shock for a moment, then managed to reply in a light, non-accusatory tone "You do realize that you just suggested that maybe I should try not being autistic, right?" She was mortified, and apologized very sincerely, and of course i completely forgave her. Even NT people who have lots of training and experience with autistic people sometimes have lapses like this, because it's impossible for an NT person to imagine the experience of being in an autistic brain -- and vice versa, of course. All we can hope is that everyone does their best to understand, accept, and support each other.
@janewarnock8855
Ай бұрын
I can identify with that. I've been trying to find strategies to help communication when I get overwhelmed. Some of the suggestions seem so sensible "just let me know you need processing time". Uugh! If I could, I would, but my brain cogs just seized up 🤣
@isomeme
Ай бұрын
@@janewarnock8855 , yep. And no NT person will ever understand what that is like. At best, they will know what it looks like from outside, and how to help.
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
Well said!
@WandaO.Wilson
Ай бұрын
A nurse who attends the same church I do says every week: I like to hug people when I see them. I know you have told me you don't like to be hugged, but that's not normal. It's my RIGHT to hug you if I want to, so I am going to. You need to get over it.
@nate2838
Ай бұрын
WTF!!!!! and shes a nurse!?? Tell her next time she tries to hug you you are charger her with assault. Bet she finds out real quick that you legally cannot touch someone that has told you not to.
@susanhoneycutt5610
Ай бұрын
That is awful. NT or ND, it is both polite and respectful to ask someone before touching.
@rachelann9362
Ай бұрын
“I have a right to autonomy over my body. If you touch me without my permission and against my will, ASSAULT.” My MIL and her family (along with my sisters in-laws) are all gabby, gossipy, huggy emotionally driven people. Even before I got diagnosed, my mil already learned and respected that a) I don’t like being touched, but you can ask as long as you are ok with me saying NO, b) that if I’m zoning out from the conversation and fidgeting or stimming on my phone, I’m either not interested, have nothing to say, or aam overwhelmed, so just leave me alone and I’ll join up, but pushing me just makes it harder to “come back”, c) I need down time, usually a day by myself after a holiday dinner, parallel activities are fine given enough space and no depends. I just don’t understand why people can’t understand, a nurse should know to not touch people without their consent. Even as a nurse, they cannot treat and thus touch someone if they say or gesture NO, no matter what the orders, and going against that is legally assault.
@rachelann9362
Ай бұрын
My favorite line to use for those MY RIGHT people: Your rights END when it infringes on MY RIGHTS. I have the RIGHT to decide IF I consent to touch.
@allesdurchprobiert
Ай бұрын
Seems she needs reeducation on respecting boundaries in general. And that she isn't the reference of what every human wants.
@dave_goldcrest
Ай бұрын
I was accused of wanting to be a victim because I said I have autism. I answered firmly that I am not a victim. Another person asked me about my autism symptoms and then ignoranly opined, 'That's nothing to do with autism'. I said well you should talk to the psychiatrist who diagnosed me because I think she and I know more about this condition than you do.
@toroidaldevil9303
Ай бұрын
I watch this channel, because it's nice to see a reinforcing message that YES. I am "Ok". My needs are "Ok." Other people are being rude and callous by dismissing them. Yes, I'm REALLY good at a bunch of things that make living in this society easier, but that doesn't mean that I have a lot of very serious challenges that are very different from others, and in those ways, I regularly suffer. Quite a lot in fact. So it's nice that there is someone saying it's ok for me to be who I am. Most of the rest of society provides a very different and isolating opinion.
@Smanco-em
Ай бұрын
This made me tear up. I’ve heard a lot of these. I’m 56 and just realized I’m autistic. I was watching the movie The Accountant and it comforted me for some reason. So I started digging and found your videos. They helped me realize what was going on. I’m good with just a self diagnosis. Just so happy that I know why I don’t fit in. I used to describe myself as broken. I don’t anymore. 😊
@rebeccamay6420
Ай бұрын
I am not familiar with that movie. Based on your comment and the fact that I've been doing bookkeeping jobs my entire adult life and recently late-self-diagnosed ASD+ADHD, I think I'll "have to" see it. 🤗 Thanks!
@wmdkitty
Ай бұрын
"You wouldn't tell a wheelchair user to just get over it..." Oh YES THEY WOULD. Take it from someone who has heard it first hand.
@ninaleach6350
Ай бұрын
I, like many wheelchair users, can walk short distances and my condition fluctuates, so people have questioned me about the authenticity of my disability, which I think is unacceptably rude. However, most people are definitely more likely to accept a visible disability than an invisible one......I think that's the point but I agree that doesn't stop people being judgemental, does it?
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
I had a best friend when I was a kid who lost the use of his legs in an auto accident. He worked out almost daily to make his back, arms etc. as strong as he could so he could use his manual wheelchair so well (couldn't afford an electric one back then). People had the audacity to tell him that he just needed to do more leg exercises. I suppose they thought they were being encouraging, but it really hurt him because he was trying so hard already, but there was nothing he could do to make his paralyzed legs move.
@lindaT82
Ай бұрын
"when have you ever had a meltdown?"
@TheRealTMar
Ай бұрын
That last one has definitely affected my career. I´m a civil servant now with an organisation which actually does quite a lot to be inclusive. But the work I do is not exactly what I went to university for. But on the other hand, I´m generally too tired to try that again. So I´m staying and I´m working with really nice people. And there are still steps I could take in this organisation. It also pays decently so I can do what I like in my free time and have some money to spend on that. As for several others in the list: I grew up in the '80ies. That generally meant don't act out because living in a country like The Netherlands is so much better than the 3rd world, etc. etc. So behave and you have no reasons to be irritated or unhappy or etc. Being overwhelmed, stressed, anxious most of the time was not understood. So you stop addressing it because it's always your fault. And I've had my special interests, like Star Trek, ridiculed.
@davidhill5684
Ай бұрын
Im glad your first hit was the "everyone's a bit autistic" remark. I'd love to be able to respond with a cutting and insightful comment, but i usually get so irate i can't think clearly enough. The problem is that the people who come out with this don't usually want to learn anything that will question their opinions. You can't argue with stupid, some would say. Insulting and invalidating.
@LeftLeaningPinko
Ай бұрын
"We just want to see you smile!"
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
"...Then listen." is my response.
@amandag5072
Ай бұрын
Apparently I smile "too much".
@dande_lion
Ай бұрын
@@amandag5072 Same for me. I smiled so often when peoples behaviour was off because of overwhelm.
@chrisjeffrey4212
Ай бұрын
Great video as always! Yes, as a newly diagnosed AuDHDer, trying to share that with people, I've heard most of those.
@theJellyjoker
Ай бұрын
"look at me when I'm taking to you" I hate this one so much! 😡 I remember I told my 3rd grade teacher; I listen with my ears not with my eyes. She was unimpressed and with my witty response.😂
@elaineb7065
Ай бұрын
I must have been told this so much I became the stare-mistress. I got told to "stop staring" by everybody as a child... so I learnt to flick every now & then
@collettesaxe9718
Ай бұрын
My husband says that all the time to our grandson, I feel so bad for him.
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
It is a good response. Our ears are our hearing organs. I also can concentrate on what a person is saying better if I don't look at them. I get distracted by the person's facial features, what they are wearing, habits like scratching their ear while they talk etc. Next thing I know, I haven't actually concentrated on what they said and I have to ask them to repeat it later on. This is especially a problem when they are trying to teach me how to do something.
@annehuber5148
Ай бұрын
Regarding self-diagnosis (the only option for so many adults) the dismissive "Oh, well, Dr. Google."
@marisa5359
Ай бұрын
YES. Thank you!
@timidartst
Ай бұрын
A ltiile off topic, but this is why I'm so grateful for my teacher/ coworker 😊 Like without having to tell her i have autism, she knew exactly how to clarify instructions in a way that I can comprehend, always takes the time to show (not just tell!) me step-by-step whichever task I'm having a hard time with, trusts my process for getting work done and vouches for me when I need to work at my own pace. It's such a night and day difference when having actually supportive people around you!
@rebeccamay6420
Ай бұрын
I've been watching Paul's videos for a couple years by now, and those of other ASD content makers, and I feel so understood! Now, finally recognizing what makes my brain "tick" differently, I recognize the ASD traits in nearly every other family member. After a couple years of learning about myself through the experiences of others like me, I recently got reacquainted with my niece who also felt out-of-place her whole life. When I described to her what I've learned about Autism, she finally feels understood and can feel comfortable being her natural goofy (AuDHD) self in my company. ❤️🩹
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
It's a very closely related topic for sure. Sometimes, contrasting unsupportive and hurtful behavior with behavior that is supportive is a great way to discuss it. Thanks!
@mythias
Ай бұрын
The worst I remember was something like, "you are not autistic, stop being ridiculous". It was one of the few people and last person in my personal life I have ever told. Hard to imagine why, eh?
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
Terrible. It is so hurtful. So damaging. Like you are REALLY. putting yourself out there, and just get completely SHUT DOWN. Freakin RUDE. ..."Bye, Felicia to you too!" is what I say... (...sometimes outloud...👀) 😆
@Tilly850
Ай бұрын
It's just a label. Implication: doesn't matter, isn't true, or just an excuse. It is hugely dismissive of a huge late life discovery that finally explained so much of what I had been through all those years. The tricky part is that this is TRUE. It IS just a label, but we humans NEED and use labels to help us define ourselves and give our lives meaning. We all have many labels.
@apis8020
Ай бұрын
My response to this: labels are everywhere. They are used to classify things. It is an essential part of language. …or some variation of this. For me, it changes based on the specific encounter
@KarlPaterson
Ай бұрын
Does anyone else experience other people using "On the Spectrum" as an insult about someone while talking to you, when they don't realise you are autistic? They even do the air quotation marks just to emphasise. You learn a lot when you high mask.
@newtuber4freedom43
Ай бұрын
When it comes to employment, they say it all and rephrase to make your head spin (not literally) - like gaslighting, back handed compliments and just plain hurtfulness
@mikko.g
Ай бұрын
At the workplace in front of others: "An autistic person wouldn't be able to do this job." Demonstrates an incredible amount of ignorance about autistic people while also attempting alter the mindset of other co-workers and invalidating the autistic person.
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
I'm really afraid to tell anyone I work with about autism for this very reason. It's exhausting to have to mask and at the same time try to learn how to do a job. If they only knew how hard we have to work to just get along in basic social situations without adding work expectations to them......
@1BreannaClaire
Ай бұрын
"Don't take it personally." %&$%!!!!
@wellsmd2000
Ай бұрын
I've had several people tell me I'm using my autism as a crutch. I just want people to understand my autism as much as possible, so interactions between them and myself will be easier for them and myself.
@elaineb7065
Ай бұрын
Of course you are, but you wouldn't need a literal crutch if your leg worked well, would you??? A crutch is a device which helps you accommodate a weakness. Autism has several weaknesses/differences you have to accommodate for.
@bago1959
Ай бұрын
As a non autistic person who tries to get information, this is both: informative and scaring. What can I say to be helpful and inclusive?
@apis8020
Ай бұрын
This doesn’t have a very simple answer. If you know the person, and they are a part of your social circle, that’s inclusive as is, and sufficient for some people. Hosting a party? Offer a room for them to retreat to for privacy/overstimulation. Listen to what they say about themselves, and take it at face value. Don’t try to give tips on how to act. Be a safe space. Provide a safe space. Enjoy yourself-this part is crucial while the person feels safe; having someone be worried about you for just existing is so unnerving. Different people are different minded. I won’t claim this as universal advice, but it is the advice I have-at least for now.
@arobinreads
Ай бұрын
How I would react: (am autistic myself) Okay cool. Is there anything I can do to help you with certain things? You can always talk about that with me later if you want.
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
One of the most inclusive things anyone has ever said to me after finding out that I was autistic was "That's really interesting! I'd love to hear more about it over lunch." and the person really seemed to mean it because he didn't change the subject or interrupt when I told him during our lunch break how difficult it was for me to deal with so many things such as in-person meetings. He thought about it a bit and then said that he'd have no problem with me joining meetings remotely via text and that he could set it up so that I would be able to hear the people in the room, but respond with texts that would appear on a screen. He said he'd also make sure the secretary gave me typed notes from the meetings so I could review what was said. I nearly cried with relief when I thanked him. Just the fact that he replied with what seemed like as much genuine interest as he might have if I had said that I had met and chatted with his favorite actor or something like that made me feel so much better.
@peterdalton200
Ай бұрын
Paul, I relate to what you are saying. I have also been socially excluded because I didn’t have as much money (economic snobbery). I have been in social situations where I have been completely ignored. The discussion around the dinner table has been fancy holidays, and lavish AirBNB retreats. I find that having a high IQ and EQ can be a very lonely experience. I am often subjected to false pity. I am often put down, and criticised for being cross cultural, by speaking a foreign language.
@edwardlulofs444
Ай бұрын
I am a senior and retired so I don't really recall any of these. The experience that was deeply impactful this year was this: I was a member of an online group for years that I had had a small participation in. Then I had an opportunity to engage more fully with the group. It didn't last very long. One day they just didn't allow me to enter the group. "Admittance denied." No discussion. No feedback allowed or possible. Thinking about this traumatic event, I realized that that had been happening all my life. And it had happened to all my family members that shared my genetic characteristics. I have learned to value my own opinion, keep mostly to myself, and cherish the few long term friends and groups that have accepted me. One aspect that was not mentioned in the video is groups, especially and even some large groups, and horribly, some states and countries where only ONE kind of "person type" is allowed! Some places can not tolerate minorities of any kind! I am grateful that the USA is reasonably tolerant and that there is space to escape. I am real happy that I can be a nomad and spent 22 hours a day parked in the mountains surrounded by trees and animals and weather.
@Jeremus717
Ай бұрын
"There's nothing wrong with you. You're being dramatic." Or my parent: "You're just like me, and I'm not autistic so neither are you." Also, that "You used to be able to..." In the video hit so hard.
@arobinreads
Ай бұрын
Parents... It is very likely we have it from one of you so... 😅
@helencampbell
Ай бұрын
all of these - I was diagnosed late in life at 58 - about 2 years ago and I have had to deal with all of this. As a result of my late diagnosis and severe burnout, I now have cPTSD - thank you for this great video
@ginasalinas927
Ай бұрын
‘I must explain when I’m jooking’…
@Enchantica1961
Ай бұрын
This video is spot on! A year ago today at the tender young age of 62 I finally discovered that I'm autistic. I've told very few people about my diagnosis because of the dismissive comments I got from the few I shared with. I've linked your video on my Facebook feed alongside a post telling folks I'm autistic - and if I get any stupid dismissive comments I'm taking the view that I don't need those folks in my life and they will be unfriended!
@marekgalteestaff7087
Ай бұрын
Forgive my curiosity, but how did you discover that you were autistic?
@rebeccamay6420
Ай бұрын
Thanks for the reminder. 🤗 I must add this video to my playlist of info that could help my friends, coworkers, whichever... recognize that I'm legitimately struggling with "trying harder" to "be more normal." ❤️🩹
@Enchantica1961
Ай бұрын
As a follow up to my comment about posting this to my Facebook feed - I've not had a single comment regarding my own diagnosis. I have had lots of those emojis supporting the post I made - acknowledging they've seen it. I think that's a result. Not a single person dared to question or dismiss what I said and I'm happy with that. I do hope they all took the time to watch the video and understand how very hard it is for us to live a life where we don't quite fit, and how exhausting it is to constantly mask who we are.
@opticalexcellence-wendytob862
Ай бұрын
One I got from a friend:” You better not go around saying that…”
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
My mom has told me that quite a few times throughout my life.
@muddyfox50
Ай бұрын
I'm not certain that friend's a keeper
@MsLizziebeth1
Ай бұрын
People, that depends on the meaning (import) of what our ASD friend here had actually said. I've had my autistic friends make insane, grandiose claims for their abilities, not even bluffingly, but seriously! Eg that they could affect the future for others just with their thoughts. He's an overqualified engineer not usually prone to magical reasoning. Claiming such things in public might get you into physical harm. (I can't recall how I responded to him - we were friends already but I would have been outraged - possibly like the above people.)
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
I hope someday we live in a society where we don't have to hide our mental differences and challenges from each other anymore.
@phoenixroseastrology769
Ай бұрын
Great video! Can you also do one on not being defeated or feeling stuck and a victim of your diagnosis? I'm autistic and have genuinely found that some things do help with some of the challenges we face, like somatic nervous system rewiring and breathwork to help to keep from being so overwhelmed for example. But when I mention it to others on the spectrum they get upset with me, like they don't even want to try anything that might make life a little easier. It is perplexing. One of the cool things about being able to band together as a group is finding the things that work for us and being able to share them with others. I also see us as being here to push the envelope of society and increase empathy so our challenge is to change the system for the better for everyone. We think and act differently by design. Our function within the system is to change that system. I hope this makes sense. ;) Thank you for your videos!
@arobinreads
Ай бұрын
I think a lot of autistic people have already tried a lot of things. So trying something else just seems too much. It might also just not work for someone. And having that experience over and over again is exhausting. It's also difficult if you like structure and routine to change things in that, how small it seems.
@phoenixroseastrology769
Ай бұрын
@@arobinreads Change is just a routine you haven't embedded yet. ;) But yes, joking aside, I do hear you, maybe it comes down to routine being a safe space and so to ask someone to do something outside of that safe space hits a core wound or essence. We are all at different points in our journeys. Thank you for your response! I am genuinely trying to understand. ❤
@arobinreads
Ай бұрын
@@phoenixroseastrology769 ❤️❤️❤️
@MEJHarrison
Ай бұрын
The one that annoyed me the most is after figuring out I was autistic and sharing that for the first time, I got told not to say that and to say that I'm "on the spectrum" instead. The other one I find annoying is "we all are a little bit".
@xiphocostal
Ай бұрын
"On the spectrum" conjures up images of a little stick figure on a Pink Floyd album cover.
@user-ux7yg2ch6i
Ай бұрын
Diagnosed at 42, and people irl and online started telling me that I was "taking things too literally", "didn't understand", "had got the wrong end of the stick", etc. All untrue because prior to my diagnosis, and if people are not aware of my diagnosis, they are required to come up with a reasonable argument, or a more intelligent response. It makes me so angry.
@megalotherium
Ай бұрын
"read between the lines" to which i wanna say, "be honest in the first place"; and from a psychiatrist, "I had to learn to make eye contact too" (saying I can't be autistic because I manage to do so, maybe he's autistic too and doesn't know it?)
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
Maybe he is.
@earthlingYT
Ай бұрын
I'd like to tag @nicabm because of your quote today. "Most trauma we see in our offices is interpersonal trauma."
@Segra13
Ай бұрын
Me: I'm Autistic. Them: "No. You're not Autistic".. Me: "I've been researching it for 4 years. it explains my life experiences" Them: "Have you had a formal diagnosis?" Me: "it costs $3,000 for an assessment.. I cant afford it..." Them: "So you haven't had a professional diagnose it.. yeah, you have something going on, but you're not Autistic". Me:... invalidated and wishing I hadn't told them..
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
Good point! The cost of diagnosis is significant for a lot of people, especially when insurance won't cover it so you have to keep paying for your insurance for other things plus pay totally out of pocket for a diagnosis. Then, there's also the process you have to go through to get diagnosed. Maybe there isn't any other way to do it, but I've looked into the process and found the prospect of going through that to sound like a harrowing experience. It ironically sounds like the very last thing an autistic person would want to have to go through.
@user-ye1go6hw9r
Ай бұрын
"oh you're fine, just ignore it."
@tinkeringtim7999
Ай бұрын
"You just need to {any effing advice whatever} "
@jenniferburchill3658
Ай бұрын
"Stop being so sensitive". Yeah, tell that to an autistic adolescent I know. It's like telling them to stop breathing!
@arandomzenitsufan
Ай бұрын
Anything along the lines of it not being a real disorder.
@tannerdonkey9939
Ай бұрын
I always hate when people use autistic as an insult, they aren’t trying to be mean but disabilities and disorders should never be used as insults
@necordektox879
Ай бұрын
If they're using it as an insult aren't they by definition trying to be mean?
@rongravelle603
Ай бұрын
It’s fashionable lately to use autists as a slur.
@josephmartin1540
Ай бұрын
The last one sounds like the last romantic encounter I tried… or the last many. Or the last “Therapist/Doctor/Counselor…” Thanks Paul!!! Carry on!
@bunnyboo6295
Ай бұрын
Yeah everyone smiles in your face acts like they are a nice genius for suggest you go elsewhere. On top of that when things get really bad since the world refuse to be of help everyone will comment why didn't you ask me, I would have helped. Most times the very people that turned you down telling you to go to someone else are the first to claim they would have helped if they know you needed it. They also brag to everyone all the ways they would have and how they all are such good people.
@aniruam
Ай бұрын
"You don't look autistic"
@jonelmes4460
Ай бұрын
I get this one
@allesdurchprobiert
Ай бұрын
I guess a lot of people confuse autism with down syndrome. Really!
@1917WorkingClass
Ай бұрын
Factually, you wouldn't look like yourself. That just a mad idea, obviously. 😅 Every person with autism looks like a person with autism. Gosh. 🤦🏼♂️😂
@NJP76
Ай бұрын
My standard reply to that is, "What does Autism look like?" Usually shuts them right down.
@turtleanton6539
Ай бұрын
@allesdurchprobiert literally 😊
@user-ye1go6hw9r
Ай бұрын
"...try harder."
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
I take my prior comment back.. All of these are horrible.
@nate2838
Ай бұрын
This one nearly killed me. It drove me to the brink of suicide, because i kept trying harder.
@theJellyjoker
Ай бұрын
all through school 😭
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
@@nate2838 Same. 😞 💗💕💕💕💗
@mazz3736
Ай бұрын
My list 1: Read the room 2: You're weird 3: I can't believe you just said that! 4: You have no filter! Look I'm trying very hard but I've been like this all my life! For me, when I get the ' you don't have any friends' comment, I actually find some people who want to be friends are the most annoying!! 😊
@m0L3ify
Ай бұрын
1. I can't. 2. Yes. 3. I can't believe it's not butter. 4. Filter? I barely know her.
@collettesaxe9718
Ай бұрын
Thank you for sharing, I don’t know much about autism, I’m trying to learn
@georgiezocean
Ай бұрын
This one has been said by other commenters but "you're over thinking it" has been very common. Even though it may sometimes be meant to be a helpful comment. And also, in some ways, it HAS BEEN HELPFUL for me to "get it" that I do over think things (to sometimes a debilitating degree) However, the way hearing this comparison has helped me, is that it has alerted me to the fact that i have this problem... I'm actually practising ways to help myself function & keep my mental processes more simple. Like noticing the ways I trip myself up & wind myself up in knots, so I'm actively teaching myself ways to block out unhelpful thought patterns, see them in action, calm myself down, just pull in my focus in to one small step & saying, oh well it doesnt matter if it's the right first step, some kind of forward step & physical movement/action is helping unlock me from the tangle I can get in to in my head. It's a daily practice, but I'm having much more peace of mind, slowing it down, teaching myself to tell the dozen other options i think of at every step, a firm "no, be quiet" and it is working for me. I'm able to get on with things more effectively & keep myself calmer & more happy with my achievements, even if I'm still not achieving at the rate I wish I could!
@EMJ113
Ай бұрын
Like so many others, a lot of ''you don't look like you have aspergers'' and even worse ''how are you in a relationship, I thought you were autistic?'' Its just plain rude and shows how uneducated some people are. I've had doctors say both those things to me too
@user-ye1go6hw9r
Ай бұрын
.....wow.
@enfieldjohn101
25 күн бұрын
I've had people be shocked that I could possibly be autistic when I'm married. As if autistic people aren't capable of having a romantic relationship. The fact that my wife and I have been married for 18 years now is due in no small part to perseverance, determination and unconditional love on both my wife and my part. It's maybe harder for autistic people than for neurotypical people to have a lasting relationship, but not impossible.
@fooledman
Ай бұрын
I got lectured very extensively about how I need to grow up and change by a manager in a past job.
@anklesockson8134
Ай бұрын
My most recent experience job wise is for people to not really acknowledge it and never bring it up again. Previous interviews for other places were the same making me wonder if it ever went from HR to the hiring manager. I would only ask for small interview assistance, ie: low sensory input (no bright light) and not consistent eye contact but it made no difference, the interview would take place in a bright windowless room with eye contact throughout.
@arobinreads
Ай бұрын
And then they question why a lot of us don't have work...
@collettesaxe9718
Ай бұрын
I once got hired just because I had good eye contact…
@debbiegarden6306
Ай бұрын
One of my worst that wasn’t mentioned is ‘Calm Down’. Thanks Paul.
@cheryleldridge7965
Ай бұрын
"if you would just try harder" Or..."you can't be because___"
@CATISTIC70
Ай бұрын
You don’t look autistic, we are all on the spectrum
@Sibelladonna
Ай бұрын
Is it weird that the moment I saw this post, all I heard was, "Let's do it!" Followed by Wild Thing by Tone Loc? No one else? Just me? Lol ❤
@felifae80
Ай бұрын
😆 🤘💞💖💞🤘
@Tootz3374
Ай бұрын
Tone loc ❤❤❤❤
@-CA-Games-
Ай бұрын
In school, the worst part of having autism and ADHD was exclusively other people, mostly the teachers. Every single one of the SEN staff who were meant to be understanding was neurotypical and quite clearly didn’t understand what neurodivergence even really was. Throughout high school I would constantly be treated like a five year old who “isn’t good enough” and they would talk to me like I was a toddler.
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