I recently learned my attachment style (FA) and watching this video made me cry and feel a little helpless, if I'm being honest, because I feel like I'm a broken person. I don't sabotage my relationships on purpose. I just get this overwhelming sense of anxiety in my gut that causes me to want to leave and find peace by myself. I feel safest with myself. But I also crave deep connection and understanding. I pray that there's hope to become more secure. Sending love and hugs to anyone who shares these feelings ❤🤗
@Kristynas706
3 ай бұрын
I feel the same ❤way
@alexleung842
20 күн бұрын
We'll make it. The fact that we are watching this shows we will. We're gonna show up better for others and ourselves
@GodiscomingBhappy
3 ай бұрын
+if trust is broken +if someone doesnt respect FA boundaries, not being seen, their independence not being respected +if FA feels there are too many expectations put on them + if they feel trapped + if FA dont speak up for their own needs they get burn out
@Heyu7her3
3 ай бұрын
I get burnout despite having loud & upfront self-advocacy. People suck.
@ThereseDavidson
3 ай бұрын
My partner left after 1 year togheter of total bliss. It was the first conflict we had and he just shut down from one day to the next. I never knew what happend, this was 3 years ago. The only thing he mentioned was ”we’re probably not compatible/too different”. I’ve made the best of the situation since, worked on my own healing and how i can express needs in a healthy way. But it was a very difficult time for very long and i’ve finally feel balanced again.
@taylorbee4010
3 ай бұрын
They’re perfectionists Any criticism Boom Gone
@remi6411
2 ай бұрын
if you would, was there any chance to get back together? I feel I have the same case like yours
@beasmarty
3 ай бұрын
if you're close friends with someone like this, they will with much difficulty cut you off with a long heartfelt explanation and feel very bad about it, and also they will get very very sad when someone brings up your favorite movie or the city you live in silence doesn't mean someone doesn't care about you ect, but rather that they love you from a distance and it might not be healthy for them to continue communicating
@Gbb93
2 ай бұрын
Hmm this sounds exactly like my ex. She said we should not talk anymore, back in December. She still watched all my stories and followed me. In Feb I wished her happy birthday even though I thought I shouldn’t. We started talking again and I could tell she genuinely wanted to reconnect. Over a few months she would say the same thing: we need to move on/we should not talk anymore/etc. Even after she would say that, a month or so would go by and I’d reach out (I just couldn’t give up) and she and I would talk. Well, I noticed that she changed our IG chat to Vanishing Mode, and I asked her about it. I 100% know what I saw, and it was either on purpose or accident when she was in there. She claimed to have no idea how that happened and thought I did it. I kinda played it off and jokingly implied it must have been a bug or something. Over a few days I had tried to reach out because I couldn’t tell if she was just deactivating or genuinely not interested. Well, I also found out she lied to me about a few things and my feelings completely vanished. I got angry with her and said something I regret, only because it was offensive. But either way, I hope that helped her (avoidant, idk if DA or FA) fully get over me, because I know I’m over her and we decided to block each other on everything and never speak again. It’s for the best and though I still love her in a way, I have no desire or reason to get in touch. Idc if she’s in the hospital, she’s already dead to me.
@taylorbee4010
3 ай бұрын
We need to stop tiptoeing around these people at the same time Unspoken rules lack of communication expecting mind reading etc etc. At some point you HAVE to own up and communicate. And not disappear for weeks on end. That’ll trigger anyone.
@pelqel9893
3 ай бұрын
I'm an FA. If I go silent and disappear, it's because I'm highly-disturbed by something. I've learned over the years to communicate my reasons, but if you get ghosted by a younger FA you should definitely back off.
@taylorbee4010
3 ай бұрын
@@pelqel9893 I figured Still Say it.
@koosmangat
3 ай бұрын
the only way to teach an FA is to do the same unto them. Same goes for AP
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
@@pelqel9893 yes. I've never just disappeared for no reason. You would have to seriously cross a boundary. The worst part is, I have explained what the reasoning was to the person I was dating and unfortunately some only seem to hear and process it from their perspective and I'm completely misunderstood. I can tell by their response. There are situations where I understand why a person just dipped out. Someone responded to a comment I made under another relationship coach's video telling me that even if you are fighting a lot with your partner, you can't decide to break up and it has to be a mutual decision and I was floored. The conversation went on for a while, but it just shows that some people aren't even satisfied with an explanation before someone leaves or it's considered a "discard". Maybe because I grew up seeing people I love come and go that I've always had the mindset that sometimes people leave so when they do I don't unravel and just accept it. Obviously a defense mechanism, but it has definitely helped when someone seemingly leaves out of the blue.
@Kyle-qm4zw
3 ай бұрын
@@koosmangat Word. They slowly gain more respect towards you when they realize you're not scared of them, and you can disappear too if you want
@kevins5498
3 ай бұрын
I'm a fearful avoidant. Every woman I've dated has cheated on me and I immediately ended the relationships, with no negotiation, no attempt to preserve them. They betrayed me, trust was irrevocably broken, I was done. They proved that they can never be trusted and are immensely selfish and uncaring. I don't think my reaction was even remotely negative. It shows that I have self respect.
@creatureofstyle
3 ай бұрын
I don't care what attachment style you are, if someone cheats on you that's the correct response! Bravo for having self respect!
@fszyshrm2821
3 ай бұрын
I think u r the problem
@mmmkay2457
3 ай бұрын
Ignore this obvious troll. You made the best decision.
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
@@fszyshrm2821 Anyone who thinks it's okay to cheat on someone is the problem. Period, the end.
@ALoverAndAFighter-wb8ut
3 ай бұрын
@kevins 5498: 1) Props to U for asserting Ur self-respect. 2) Cheating is repulsive!!!!! 3) Possibly, Just possibly, could it be that since more than 1 cheated on U (I've been there, it's painful), that when something a new sig. other did unintentionally & unknowingly triggered U & brought up overwhelming fear of going through that pain again so U broke up immediately, no questions asked to avoid a confrontation? Because some action or something spoken on their part reminded U of something Ur cheating exes done so U cut ties & disappeared. The fear & memory of legit wrong done by someone before was overwhelming so instead of cooling down apart then having a convo, U up with latter gfs cuz U were afraid they would or had already broken up with U (but didn't tell U)? 4) I'm by No means justifying cheating. 5) I know fear of history repeating itself with someone else can be as overwhelming & intense as intuition or gut feeling. Emotional pain triggers same area of the brain as physical pain. That's how extreme stress can be psycho-somatic (physical symptoms as a result of emotional pain). 6) I also know fear of being cheated on again, even anger, can hijack our perception or understanding of a situation in the heat of the moment. Then when we've calmed down, realized we over-reacted to a trigger. And made a snap judgement to protect ourselves that we can't take back cuz we put an end to our own relationship by leaving in the heat of the moment & don't want to risk rejection if we apologized for it. 7) Some people been hurt so badly (either cheated on or betrayed by more than one partners) or been triggered by a partner that unknowingly/unintentionally a childhood or teenage rejection, that they fear being rejected or hurt again so they break up with their sig. other, Believing they're preventing the sig other from breaking up with them/ breaking up with sig. other Before the sig. other breaks up with them (cuz they believe sig. other was going to do that anyway). But sig. other didn't realize there was a misunderstanding that was not addressed, thinking the relationship is good, but has rug pulled from under them when avoidant breaks up unexpectedly & ghosts. 8) Both parties need therapy (even alone) to heal, understand what went wrong, their blind spots & what needs to be addressed within themselves Before dragging old baggage into new relationship & jeopardizing that relationship also. Hurting people, hurt other people. 9) If either or both refuse to seek professional help & do the internal work needed, they continue to leave wreckage until they work on themselves. 10) People can only meet U as far as they've met themselves. Again, I Despise cheating, it's Never an excuse, I'm Not blaming or judging U, & I've been cheated on more than once before, myself. What I typed here is what I've experienced.
@anzelaiv
3 ай бұрын
Another great video. I would add that often people really don't hear you speaking up for yourself unless you lose your cool and make a big deal out of it. I shouldn't have to shout my needs at people. If they don't pay attention or take my words seriously when I ask about it gently, they don't care enough. The more I heal, the more I see how my words were ignored over and over in past relationships and how I should have left sooner. FAs have a problem with speaking up and must work on it, yes. Still, I don't believe for a moment when people say it was bliss and the FA just left for no reason. You were focusing too much on the bliss and not enough on your partner. All of this to say, that FAs shouldn't blame themselves for leaving a relationship where you felt like you didn't matter. There's a reason we get stuck with one-sided connections. Learn from it and move on.
@andziagreen4922
3 ай бұрын
I was on receiving end from an avoidant and this was me not being heard and no issues were communicated before sudden departure. But now I know we both were unhealed people but still he treated me like a temporary entertainment/disposable toy so never again. Now I know all the patterns, love bombing, hot & cold treatment and rebound to a woman who was saying was my friend. It says everything about him and his character and values not about my value. I don't like to put all people into one bucket but Gosh what I have learned in the last year about avoidants blowed my mind... Negativelly off course. Not playing victim anymore. Best of luck on your journey🙏
@CeeP211
3 ай бұрын
Yeah, mine wasn't bliss, but he would only bring up issues when I did as a sort of "tit for tat." To help address these issues, we set up monthly check-ins. During every single check-in, he would say he was happy and satisfied, and he truly felt like I was thr best girlfriend he ever had. He even sent me texts from his family members saying the same. One day, he broke up with me over "political differences" when he wasn't even honest about political affiliation initially. Didn't even talk to me about his concerns that we were misaligned, he just broke things off, and I haven't heard a word from him in 4 months. So yes, while it wasn't bliss, he still had ample opportunity to share his needs, and he only did when I brought up concerns and again as a way to deflect.
@javierechezarreta4623
3 ай бұрын
Yo got it totally wrong.. probably because you are a FA. Your problem is your terror to commitment. That's all. You rather destroy a good in potential relationship just because you didn't grow up enough to take the responsibility to be in a mature relationship
@MadisonEstes
2 ай бұрын
You can mention your needs gently, but it helps to make a big deal about it so the person can remember it. Like say, "Hey, this important to me, and I'd like us to have a conversation about it." If you just offhandedly say, "Yeah, I don't like talking on the phone after 10 pm because I'm tired." And that's it, people will forget that. Also, every situation is different. Yes, there are some FA relationships where the FA's needs were probably ignored, but there are also many where the FA just bolted because they were afraid of their needs were not getting met without even expressing their needs. In some cases, they may not even know what their needs are, much less how to express them.
@cledosliop4175
3 ай бұрын
Only the first reason can cause me to end a relationship, while the rest might cause me to shut down for a few hours and come back to explain what’s going on with me.
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
That sounds like a pretty healthy response to me!
@taylorbee4010
3 ай бұрын
Avoidants create one sided relationships by not communicating what they want or asking and expecting you to just know.
@andziagreen4922
3 ай бұрын
That's my ex and if I didn't guessed he was getting annoyed
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
And also not contributing to their side of it.
@ALoverAndAFighter-wb8ut
3 ай бұрын
I wouldn't doubt that there are avoidants (fearful & dismissive) who honestly don't know how to adequately communicate what they want or what bothers them.
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
@@ALoverAndAFighter-wb8ut Many don't, and it's actually a C-PTSD response where they literally can't identify their needs because they don't have access to that part of their brain. Once I learned that, it made a lot more sense.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
@@cornwallismorgan874 interesting. I never knew this.
@worldadventuretravel
3 ай бұрын
I feel seen. Thanks to PDS, Heidi Priebe, and Patrick Teahan (and my own work) I've healed a lot of my FA attachment and am well on my way to security, but you nailed those 5 reasons. They're still true for me. The difference now is that I'm better identifying and stating my boundaries up front and seeing when people simply don't respect me before I invest in them. I am fully allergic to one-sided relationships and I finally know how to stay out of them!
@koosmangat
3 ай бұрын
If are a fearful avoidant and u dont speak up when someone crosses your line, then its not that person’s fault.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
As long as the environment feels safe enough to do so, we will. My experience has been if it's with an AP partner, they tend to start an argument over me speaking my mind and with a DA they shut down and wait until the issue goes away on it's own and nothing gets resolved. Obviously it's not the same with everyone, but FA's don't want to not speak up. Generally I will at the beginning of the relationship, but as soon as I see a negative response it makes me not want to say anything moving forward. I'm a SA now and will speak up regardless now, but a FA is not healed and in a good enough head space to navigate through uncomfortable situations.
@Heyu7her3
3 ай бұрын
My counterpoint is that MOST do speak up, or at least respond. But there's a lot of dismissiveness in this world that makes it difficult to continue doing so. That's the definition of insanity
@smileyglitter852
3 ай бұрын
I had to end mine, i don't like liars....I can never trust you if you keep lying to me..
@makitty_makeupxo
3 ай бұрын
This is so true! Can you give some tips on signs of becoming more secure as an FA?😊
@gregoryritchie7852
3 ай бұрын
Thank you for telling me, an FA, I need to speak up and communicate my needs for alone time. I didn't and got run over by a demanding AP. I didn't have to happen.
@RisanaZaxus
3 ай бұрын
ya getting run over by an AP can definitely happen
@MadisonEstes
2 ай бұрын
Were they demanding or were they just doing what they thought would lead to the best outcome for the relationship? Without you speaking up, how could they know? Lots of closeness and togetherness time is normal for 75 percent of the population. You are right that you must communicate needs for alone time or your partner will not know what to do for you and the relationship. Best of luck to you.
@gregoryritchie7852
2 ай бұрын
She was all over me, a lone wolf.@@MadisonEstes
@sjgrall
3 ай бұрын
Trust is absolutely an issue in any relationship, but if one makes assumptions without properly communicating concerns, trust cannot be maintained
@Gbb93
2 ай бұрын
I asked my ex about this guy she was friends with. She told me every time that they’re JUST friends. No romantic connection. Well, when things seemed fishy and I could tell she was being different, I asked for a 1-week break. Well, I found out later that her and that friend got drunk at her place and fucked. So yeah, trust broken. Idk about you, I don’t fuck my friends. And it was a matter of time before she did. When she heard I found out, she made the excuse “I just felt SO rejected by you.” Yeah? So? What’s that have to do with you going and fucking some guy you told me was just a friend? Why didn’t you talk to me? Edit: anyways. It’s a good thing that didn’t work out. She’s the type who needs constant attention from every guy. One isn’t enough.
@RisanaZaxus
3 ай бұрын
the trust is really important my ex told me (i don't know how long after it happened) that her best friend was telling her how i wasn't good for her, and conveying that with discussions with other friends in the group this best friend is a well recognized narcissist in the community and managed to turn everyone against me my ex basically continued to be friends with her and the other flying monkeys even after i expressed how betrayed i felt i guess as an AP my ex was not able to cut them off it was the most hurtful thing i have ever experienced
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
It sounds like your ex has a full-blown trauma bond with her best friend. Not excusing anything, but I know from being born into a dark-triad family that these roles (flying monkey, etc) are learned and heavily entrenched in childhood. Depending on the person, it can take years to break these bonds. That said, I'm sorry that happened to you. I can absolutely see why you felt betrayed. You were betrayed, and it's not okay. I hope that you're able to heal and find someone who respects you the way you deserve to be respected.
@RisanaZaxus
3 ай бұрын
that is very kind of you; thank you for understanding and offering support best to you
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
@@RisanaZaxus You're welcome! Best to you as well!
@sifublack192
3 ай бұрын
Watching this video confirms I've been doing EVERYTHING right with my FA. Giving her the space to choose me while I continue exploring my other options makes her feel safe, but also lets her know I'm not waiting around either.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
It's a good strategy on your end because we should never wait around for anyone. On the FA end, I am rarely attracted to anyone and if the person I was into was dating other women, that would instantly turn me away or at the very least make me hesitant towards wanting to commit. I know we've talked about your FA before so you may have already mentioned this, but does she know you're open to a relationship with her and that you're waiting on her to make that move? I ask because if I knew someone I was casually dating was seeing other women, I'd assume they didn't want a commitment so I wouldn't bring it up and they would likely be put in the fwb category indefinitely.
@sifublack192
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life yep, she knows all about it. She knows I'm open to a relationship with her, but that I'm not going to wait around for her either. She also knows that I see other women whilst seeing her. In fact, I told her that if I was dating someone as amazing as she is, I'd choose that woman if she brought up becoming exclusive before she did. That said, if it wasn't for our history as friends she wouldn't even know any of those things. I'd be taking her on dates once per week and let her do 70-80% of the calling, texting, and pursuing. I wouldn't even disclose that I was seeing other women unless she asked me directly. In addition, I wouldn't even bring up becoming exclusive unless she brought it up first. In essence, I'd be a mystery to her for the most part.
@nejkas9577
3 ай бұрын
Your content is absolutely brilliant, so concise and spot on. Thank you for sharing 🌻
@masuhasu7990
3 ай бұрын
I kept telling him what my needs are, consistently working for my marriage but my partner who is an AP, always turns the table and makes it about them, how he was not loved and respected. Always criticizing and complaining when i told them not to do so, and not giving me enough space when I needed it. After constantly breaking my boundary, u cant respect no one. He tried to sell some other version of our relationship to get their point across made me perplexed! Im Never dating another AP in this life
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
I feel that. I never date AP's for this reason. If he took the time to heal his anxious wounds and triggers, which started way before the two of you were even a thing, then he wouldn't feel so unloved and needy. People should be able to ask for space in a relationship without there being some big thing around it. I'd rather stay single than tip toe so my partner doesn't turn into a puddle of emotions over something as easy and simple as enjoying doing things by myself.
@CeeP211
3 ай бұрын
Interesting. My ex who was an FA did this to me. He would communicate issues with me (AA/SA) when I did. And it always things like "he felt I wasn't vunerable" he was upset I didn't post him on social media (even early on), etc. But again only when I brought up an issue as a way to deflect. To mitigate this, we setup monthly check-ins. During the check ins he always said he was very happy, satisfied and felt lucky to be with me. Then one night, BOOM everything changed. He said he was concerned we weren't politically aligned (he lied about his political affiliation initially) and said he didnt see a future with me. That was 4 months ago and I never heard from him again. So I did everything I could to provide a space for him to communicate any issues and he did maybe once or twice and we addressed them. Other than that he only did to deflect from my concerns.
@javierechezarreta4623
3 ай бұрын
How about instead of blaming AP you fix yourselves.. don't you realize the terror you have to commitment? You make al secure people become anxious. Your demands and being in a healthy relationship are mutually exclusive. Grow up.
@matejahorvat3971
3 ай бұрын
Good explanation 😊 still if FA is not capable, doesnt know how to exspress needs, and wants...its on them to heal. A lot of content on this topic us how to understand them, suport them....in the reality, if there is no work, self reflection involved, just leave them, block in necesary and move one.
@russellcameronthomas2116
3 ай бұрын
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool -- the KZitem channel @Philosphywisdom has just posted a video with essentially the same script. They clearly copied it. They have a "copyright disclaimer" in the description, so they probably do this systematically and are frequently subject to copyright take-down notices. Their video is titled "5 Reasons Fearful Avoidants SUDDENLY Lose Feelings & Leave Relationship" and was posted July 8, 2024.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
Trust is MAJOR with me. It doesn't have to have anything to do with infidelity either. Any type of lying, omitting truth or even seemingly small manipulations will break my trust. For example, if you come in hot and fast aka love bomb and then start fading, then restart the bombing then start fading... I'm good. Consistency is way more important to me now that I've healed my FA style. I got off that rollercoaster ride and not interested in getting back on. 👍 Also, if you seem cool with my way of living at the beginning only to either demand more of me or get angry that I'm not morphing into the perfect gf for you, that's breaking my trust as well because you put on a facade and pretended we were good, until we weren't. 🙄
@gatorssbm
3 ай бұрын
Honestly this, if you have the nerve to lie about even small things Id not be surprised if theyd pull something out on you later. Truth is a huge standard Ill try and uphold for myself and more especially others.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
@@gatorssbm yes! I have had friend breakups over this as well. One friend didn't even lie to me directly, she was lying to her fiance and cheated on him. I don't want friends like that. White lies suck as well. I know some are harmless, but if you're not comfortable enough just being honest over something small then don't bother with me.
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
As a fellow FA, consistency is one of my biggest needs. My attachment style came from an unpredictable, narcissistic mother, so if there's not an up-front explanation of why someone can't talk to me today or just informing me of what's going on in their lives, I will get overwhelmingly anxious because for me, there is danger in unpredictability and inconsistency. Actively working on the anxious side of things and have healed much of the narcissistic abuse, and have plenty of ways to entertain myself... but I need to be honestly told what's going on. And I think a lot of people stay safe by lying, so if that's their coping strategy, I won't get along with them and will probably drop them, especially if it's a pattern of behavior.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
@@cornwallismorgan874 yes. I just want calm and normalcy. No more rollercoaster rides.
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life Same! Rollercoaster rides are for Six Flags, not relationships.
@cheeseoneverythingplease
3 ай бұрын
I think there’s an important one that wasn’t mentioned: the need for chaos can make Fas leave a safe and consistent relationship
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
Yes, which is why we need to heal the underlying wounds to turn that need for chaos into a need for variety and novelty instead. This is where hobbies and projects come in alongside healing.
@kerrymillar1267
3 ай бұрын
I’m a FA and I’ve never been in a stable relationship. Most FAs wouldn’t be attracted to secure people in the first place.
@cheeseoneverythingplease
3 ай бұрын
@@kerrymillar1267it depends on where you are on your healing process. There is a video from Thais where she explains specifically that. FAs who haven’t done the work are likely to get bored with the safety and consistency of a secure relationship. They may enjoy it for a while, but then go back to that need of agitation/drama. FAs would need to work on emotional regulation so they feel comfortable and safe in secure relationships
@Twisterbeast
3 ай бұрын
My ex said that they needed time but they had feeling for me, couple of weeks after, they said they had no feelings at all and shut me down with different excuses. If they are extremely avoidants, these reasons might or not apply… it feels more like a crazy thing to me.
@kreyaSun
3 ай бұрын
Going through exactly the same rn. It's been 2 weeks and everything seems so unreal. I feel like a widow who've lost her beloved husband, we weren't married and the guy is safe and sound. But I can only imagine it's how it feels to lose someone so suddenly. There's no one to blame, it just happened, but you still have the feelings for the person who's just ain't there anymore.
@gatorssbm
3 ай бұрын
@@kreyaSunIt might be even harder than them being dead because at least for me that grief did eventually manifest into anger and it really signaled I wasnt done healing and the last thing I wanted to do was project that on to someone I cared so deeply about, but at the very least being empathetic does win out those intense emotions in spite of how sudden the discard was I still felt bad that it was because of trauma. It becomes easier to accept once you realize its not your fault, but yes as ugly as grief can get it is very necessary to process those thoughts to fully heal from something like that but also be careful to be responsible with your actions and not let it consume you.
@kreyaSun
3 ай бұрын
@@gatorssbm if they were dead (what of course i don't wish for) these feelings I have at least would've made sense. I'm kinda aware it's not my fault, it's just the choice they made. But I still can't help but feel like I didn't do enough. I'm not angry, I'm just hurt rn. And this feeling won't go anytime soon. They had all the time in the world to give it all a thought and come up with a conclusion that worked for them, but we on the other hand just need to accept it as it is.
@keithbrockway5759
3 ай бұрын
These ppl r broken. They r toxic. I was left abruptly with no warning from a FA. There was NO signs of her leaving, she just did it over txt and then acted like I never existed. Don't fawn over them. Don't feel sorry for them. They r broken. No one should be with them
@kreyaSun
3 ай бұрын
@@keithbrockway5759 It's harder for me bc me and my ex were really close friends before dating, we've known each other for 16 years, 3 out of which we've been together as a couple. And while we were dating he was the sweetest person and a whole walking green flag. But he suddenly cut all ties without even a chance for us to go back to being friends. It would've still hurt and would've been hard, but things wouldn't have been this ugly if he at least tried to talk to me and explain what's going on in his mind.
@Vibez_With_Meh
3 ай бұрын
Thais- I haven't seen an address to this... So my ex is incredibly FA. Broke up with me, didn't see me for THREE years. the last 1.5 years was him flirting, teasing to meet up. HE finally decided to meet up with me a month ago. Two days in a row. We had talked about, he asked what I needed from him, I asked to please try to communicate.... He ghosted me after meeting. Was meeting up really that much of emotional turmoil? I could tell when we met he was not... "all there" seemed tired, stressed... but I was happy he met up with me. I did tell him "hey we talked about communication, but I am happy you were able to come see me"... This is a topic I haven't really seen discussed... after the reconciliation... I understand he's also not healed, and seems there's a lot going on in his life that I don't know about.
@josvel2344
3 ай бұрын
That was your sign to move on and forget him.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
It sounds like he is testing to see if you're still waiting for him and making sure you haven't gone anywhere. I'm a healed FA/SA and I would never do that when I was unhealed, but I know FA men who have. They might have love for you, but it's not enough for them to make any type of solid, serious move towards you. This is a situation where I would go no contact... possibly indefinitely. They get anxious when they think they might lose you for good and that's enough for them to try and come back, but then they see you're still there and feel comfortable enough disappearing knowing you will probably be there if/when they decide to try again. You don't deserve this.
@zacpdx
3 ай бұрын
Doesn’t sound like an FA to me. Sounds like he’s just an asshole that likes to keep you in the wings just in case. Either way you deserve more and absolutely shouldn’t be treated like this.
@linnie14
3 ай бұрын
@@zacpdx Sounds like a DA to me.
@Kristynas706
3 ай бұрын
Autistic probably
@aristark559
3 ай бұрын
related to the intro - yes i did, - it was a borderline =)))))))) the avoidant part is often just a part of a bigger trauma
@DaveE99
18 сағат бұрын
The “if trust gets broken, for some it’s hard for them to ever reconnect and come back”. Self esteem/ attatchment relationships/ and political-economic-social worldviews are all death anxiety buffers in terror managment theory. If you ever have read that FA’s often appreciate nature and animals a lot. Between family betraying you, and no matter how you research and analyze it, the world is def not something to blindly just trust. And it’s no wonder we end up just wanting to garden and have a dog or cat. Cuz I felt that “may never even come back for some” in regards to any sort of patriotism etc. Cuz when you realize that betrays you as well and through out history has pretty much always in some way done so, you kinda just don’t trust it.
@Mermaid03_03
3 ай бұрын
Definitely the expectations for me. When men start talking about me cooking or asking questions like that…ghost lol. Non reciprocal is big too. It feels like I’m being taken advantage of actually which goes back to trust.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
I've lucked out in that department. Most men I date love to cook so no one expected me to do all that. I'd probably laugh if it was brought up. 😂 I mean, I love to cook, but only when I want to. If it's an expectation, nah.
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life You must infuse your dishes with love. And if cooking becomes an expectation, you can't infuse your dishes with love and they will therefore come out sub-par!
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
@@cornwallismorgan874 haha this is great and well said!
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life Anytime!
@Mermaid03_03
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life I’ve lucked out there too. That’s why I ghost. I’m the one being catered to.
@markcafebrown2883
3 ай бұрын
Nice job Thais! I appreciate ❤u
@RisanaZaxus
3 ай бұрын
can y'all NOT call people monsters etc because you've been hurt by an avoidant????? we're tired and hurt by it
@CorbinB-Rax
3 ай бұрын
You're monsters
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
Avoidants are pigeon-holed a lot in these threads which is strange because there are different levels of avoidant behaviors similar to anxious attachments. If one isn't capable of separating each individual without throwing them all in one basket they're either unhealed or extremely immature. That's like the ones who say "ALL women/men are the same!!" Lol Clearly that's not accurate.
@joyregueira2536
3 ай бұрын
L@CorbinB-Rax no need for this. I too was hurt by an avoidant but referring to them as monsters is uncalled for.
@Maggie-b3n
2 ай бұрын
@@CorbinB-Raxbaby
@CorbinB-Rax
2 ай бұрын
@@joyregueira2536 agree to disagree
@heathercerridwen7194
3 ай бұрын
Excellent information! Thank you 🙏
@sammymakeitmakecents
3 ай бұрын
All true. But, really….if someone breaks trust through their actions (or lack thereof) wouldn’t most healthy people choose that a romantic partnership with the person isn’t right, unless the person chooses to change.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
I'd say most people aren't as healthy and secure as they think they are. Before I knew about attachment theory, I used to consider myself secure. I thought I just didn't make the best choices in dating as I mostly seemed to date unhealthy men. Once I realized I was a FA, it all made sense. I craved that rollercoaster ride of emotions and confused it with love. I thought that was how relationships were supposed to feel and if they didn't, one of the two partners was not that interested. Now that I am more secure, anything other than calm, consistent behavior doesn't feel comfortable and I won't entertain it.
@sammymakeitmakecents
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life that isn’t really a response to what I was saying, so I’m not really sure if your response was a response to what I wrote or just a talking point. That’s great you have decided you prefer a constant calm state for your relationships. However, relationship experts, like John Gottman, would say that a relationship doesn’t have to be calm to be loving, healthy, or successful long-term. Good for you though.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
@@sammymakeitmakecents maybe I misunderstood. You mentioned what a "healthy" person would do and healthy people are generally a secure attachment and a lot of people are unknowingly insecure. That's why I shared my story. Without knowing the circumstance then it's hard knowing if what an FA did is justified. FA's tend to overthink and sometimes create false stories in our heads (Thais talks about this). If we jump ship based on a hunch or a feeling without having clear communication to the person, then I would say it's probably not justified. If we did have a discussion with our partner and they outright did something that you are specifically bothered by and they know this, then I would say it is a healthy move to get out of the situation after letting them know why you're leaving. I was just giving my opinion based on the question you asked. As for the calm comment at the end, I respectfully disagree. I had a tumultuous childhood and relationships. Peace and calm is my new world and I'd rather be by myself than settle for anything less. Of course it's natural for waves to come and go, but if I don't feel at peace with someone, I'll gladly remove myself. Love is not enough.
@MariahMarie1111
3 ай бұрын
Just so happy this anxious attached man walked away from me because I am a fearful avoidant and I could not love him harder stronger and as much as he needed me to ugh 😩 just typing 💬 this makes me feel so overwhelmed and I pour so much smh … I started to be turn off
@ladyenfamouz
3 ай бұрын
It’s interesting that I am watching this now. I’m due to have a conversation with my therapist in 30 minutes about my workplace and the fact that I want to leave/move. I feel like my line manager has done all of these things over time, I tried to advocate for myself - they didn’t listen. Now, I am done.
@sg9758
3 ай бұрын
How can an FA specify their needs with out feeling needy? How can one become okay with taking up space and not feel like a burden when doing so?
@MadisonEstes
2 ай бұрын
Write it down and give it to them (obviously tell them ahead of time you are choosing to express yourself in a letter) and ask them when a good time to talk about it would be. Or write it down and read it to them. Make a list. Or if more comfortable, ask them to make a list of things they would like/need and when your partner tells you one, then you tell them one. Also, therapy and getting comfortable enough with loving yourself and knowing that you deserve to have needs and ask for things is also helpful. Good luck.
@JadeWilliams-gb7rb
3 ай бұрын
Hi Thais, you mentioned that FA’s tend to like a challenge early on in a relationship. Could you provide some more insight into this? Is there a course that goes into it a little more? Thanks so much for your content. It’s been such a game changer in my life.
@nishanttn
3 ай бұрын
I was not into my FA ex initially. After the first date I was not going to ask her out again. But she kept asking me out. I was a challenge for her initially so she was quite open/anxious/love bombed because I was not reciprocating her feelings. In fact kissing and sex were initiated by her.
@beasmarty
2 ай бұрын
but basically like, never ever allow yourself to view another human being as a problem or some kind of device/appliance that you need for some purpose, but its 'broken/in need of repair' the minute you start complaining about another individual and how they won't do/won't be this or that, you've already dehumanized them seeing this a lot in these comments and its a slippery slope and obviously unintentional, but it's something to be careful of the minute you put something like that on someone and legitimately believe it, the self-fulfilling prophecy and subsequent patterns are 100% your own doing...meaning that your energy towards them is the issue, rather than them being inherently flawed, a problem, or at fault/deserving of guilt for anything know thats an incredibly hard thing to hear
@sshuteandrew
3 ай бұрын
Now, what to do if the FA partner already made mistakes by applying pressure about wanting more before they were ready and they shut down and left? He came back twice before after stepping back for 2-3 weeks. It’s now been a month since the latest break up and he’s just now opening up to light contact. I think he recognizes he may never be ready.
@ANME1rocker
3 ай бұрын
How many times do you want to go through that? Is that what you want in a relationship? They need to heal. You don't have to be there for that.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
@@ANME1rocker as a former FA, I wholeheartedly agree. I don't expect anyone to stay around when I'm feeling confused. That's for me to figure out and it's not fair to put that on anyone else. Some people will just want to stay, esp when they have their own healing to do. Now that I am more secure, confusion or mixed messages from anyone is no longer an option.
@Dr.Jekyll_
19 күн бұрын
Fearful avoidant make it really easy to get cheated on which is extremely ironic because is something they fear so much.
@taylorbee4010
3 ай бұрын
I broke trust… Talking with a friend about issues we had was apparently a big thing
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
I can see both sides here. I've had relationships end because she brought issues up to everyone except me. Not only did I feel violated for being talked about without my permission, I felt like I wasn't important enough to have these issues brought to me so we could work them out. But I can also see asking other people how to approach issues because you want to do it effectively while still maintaining the relationship. Ultimately though, if your ex didn't set the expectation for open communication early on, that's on them.
@Dana15cool
3 ай бұрын
Advice please: I’ve communicated with my husband multiple times that I need him to help around the house without me having to ask and then wait days for it to get done, often poorly. Despite having this discussion many times and expressing my needs and feelings, there has been no lasting effort or improvement. I’m feeling discouraged and am starting to shut down because it seems pointless to communicate my needs if nothing changes. What should I do next?
@javierechezarreta4623
3 ай бұрын
Why did you married a man who does not like to have the same clean standards in a first place? If you married him, o supposed you knew him.. why by this time was it acceptable and now has became unbearable? Even to the point of you turning cold and probably as always with women.. cutting sex.. You poor man will not understand you. I bet everything he doesn't complain to you in any.. Love him the way he is and he always have been and stop sabotage you marriage and life
@ksref
3 ай бұрын
Thais, i miss your normal fast talking speed😂 i can tell you're deliberately speaking slower and my brain is chomping at the bit to get it to what Im used to😂 ❤
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
There were people in the comments complaining she was talking too fast. Lol I like fast talkers. My brain gets bored easily.
@Kyle-qm4zw
3 ай бұрын
I always watch her on 1.5x. just adjust the speed to your liking
@ksref
3 ай бұрын
@Kyle-qm4zw I was just teasing... her promo is slow, then it went her usual pace:)
@ksref
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life me too!
@therealkeinemoniker
2 ай бұрын
well i guess i pushed my FA all the way away then...sad because giving her space would have been no problem had she not dismissed my feelings and let her ex cause so many problems between us. loved her verty much and want her back but shes totally shut down and ignoring me
@branjc
2 ай бұрын
Yeasssss
@lilove6560
3 ай бұрын
Similar to DA?
@a.d.b535
3 ай бұрын
My situation is complex, my frustration with 2 years and still just BF/GF (no ring) and him continuing a (alleged 'friendship') relationship with his ex GF. We're in breakup mode currently.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
Hmm. 2 years is still early for an engagement. I wouldn't even have the discussion with someone until we at least made it past year 3. It seems you have differences about being friends with exes so maybe that's a good thing. I'm friendly with a few exes so I don't personally see the issue with it unless you feel there's something nefarious happening? Most men I've dated were at least friendly acquaintances with at least one ex and I never felt funny because I trusted them. All that matters is how you feel though. If you're uncomfortable with something and your boundaries are being crossed and he doesn't seem to be willing to compromise then it's a one-sided relationship and no one deserves that.
@a.d.b535
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life I was hoping for a promise ring. Something to show forward movement. As for his ex GF, her car was parked at his place when I knocked on the door at 7 am one morning. He wouldn't let me in (she was likely sleeping in his bed). A year earlier he broke up with me and went to Costa Rica with her. Then got back with me. Friends saw their photos on FB (I didn't have FB) and I told him I knew. He claimed she invited him to go with her to get some dental work (why him?), they slept in the same room but no s3x. Two examples - there's more. Would you trust his ex GF relationship? Out of respect I believe those connections should end.
@linnie14
3 ай бұрын
@@a.d.b535 You are right to leave him. He is not showing respect for you and needs to go.
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
@a.d.b535 oh no doubt. In those situations you have every right to ditch that man. Her being there overnight and then him going to Costs Rica with her? F that. This may sound mean, but I'm glad you didn't get a promise ring from him. He isn't trustworthy and you are dodging a bullet with that one. Even though I'm friends with a couple of exes, when we are in relationships, we are respectful to the other one's partner and step way back as to not cross any boundaries and make anyone uncomfortable. Your guy and his "friend" clearly have no shame and could care less how it makes you feel. Very sad.
@NemeanJG
3 ай бұрын
2 years is incredibly early for engagement and yes, even a promise ring… people put on a facade for the first year you know them, even if they don’t intend to. I would be a lot less concerned with that, and more concerned with the ex gf friendliness.
@reikiorgone
3 ай бұрын
Hey this isn't fair to fearful avoidance just because they don't know that's what they think in their minds isn't what they communicate doesn't make it their fault it's everyone else's fault for not being psychic come on guys let's stop being so self-centered 😉
@CeeP211
3 ай бұрын
😂😂😂
@ejag7375
3 ай бұрын
Is she an FA….? The girl who I thought was the one ended things and I still don’t understand…. We’d arranged our first weekend away with her young daughter… a sign of next steps for us I thought. I was super attentive and sweet to her daughter so I know I acted as someone who valued her and her daughter so I’m at a loss really. On the way to the cabin at a supermarket when I went to pay for our supplies she said she wanted to pay, I insisted on paying as the weekend was my invite. She became upset so I said hey let’s pay half each. She said that was too difficult… anyway she completely avoided me after that weekend for 3 weeks until I eventually got a message she didn’t feel listened to and can’t see a future for us ‘at this time’. I would have thought her feelings couldn’t be that paper thin.. to agree to spend time as a future ‘family’ only for chivalry to be the deal breaker. On the way home from the cabin she played a video saying if you’re not prepared to date an independent woman, don’t even try. It was sent to her by a friend. I’d see such a video as toxic femininity from a bitter and jealous friend. Does anyone have any thoughts? Thanks in advance. Emmanuel
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
She might be a FA, but I would have just let her pay. As a woman who grew up and forcibly had to fend for myself and have an independent mindset, we can't just shut this off. In my experience, taking too much from men that offered to pay for everything always felt like it came at a price. This weekend was about exploration to the next level to see if you vibe and she expressed wanting to contribute and you not letting her might feel like you were trying to bypass a big part of who she is as a person. It has nothing to do with anything feminist related. There's usually a much bigger story behind it. It would have been nice for her to have a discussion with you about it rather than just shut you out and end it.
@ejag7375
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life Hi. Thank you for such a well considered reply. I do see where you are coming from. It was such a quick moment that I didn’t have time to think other than offer a compromise. In hindsight I wish I’d just let her pay but as you say, a conversation about it would have been great. I really don’t know what to do at this point as I can’t seem to do enough for her to understand I wasn’t trying to undermine her independence, I just wanted to do something I thought was nice. She won’t return my messages….
@ejag7375
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life Hi again. I wanted to thank you again for your message. Although it would be understandable to assume paying for groceries shouldn’t be a deal breaker, your message also made me understand that another perspective, her perspective can also be very valid for its reflection on what she has gone through to be who she is and what she needs from me. She is definitely a warrior and has worked hard for a long time with relationships that have let her down immensely. I feel she may have been scared by me being the real deal for her but I get now that it’s not enough just to be loving and show kindness. You showed me kindness might be more about stepping back to give her space to not feel her independence is at risk. I still feel I acted appropriately and very sweet to her but I am also happy to pivot. I wrote a really beautiful message to her which I hope you may read for your perspective on it but for me, I think it wont make a difference but I’m glad to have taken another look at a situation that not have said just let her go because she doesn’t value my kindness, whereas you made me see I can be kind by just being flexible of mind. Thank you
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
@@ejag7375 of course no problem! I understand the place where you were coming from. It's very hard for women with an independent mindset to shift and be treated and taken care of. That requires a lot of letting our guards down which is generally a gradual process. I'd be surprised if that was the only incident for her to just throw it all away. A weekend away meeting the kid is a big deal. Maybe there were seemingly small things beforehand and that was the final straw? Although there was nothing wrong with what you did. In your eyes paying for things comes natural and you were being kind. If she is a fearful avoidant, there's a big chance that she is used to or prefers dating men who are more avoidant because the anxious push and pull is what she is comfortable with. Then someone who treats her right jumps in and she doesn't know what to do. It doesn't help if she's allowing friends to influence her and confirming her unhealed thoughts. I'd say just lay back and focus on yourself and if she wants to come back around you can talk then. It sounds like you did what you could to rectify it. At some point, with some space, she may want to circle back and explain things. Feel free to share any message and I can give you my perspective.
@ejag7375
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life Hi. Thanks so much. There were no other incidents except for a phone call following that weekend where she’d already starting distancing herself and I questioned it as in were we over because of the groceries? I assure you I was polite and caring in the phone call but maybe I could have seemed anxious too. She said it made her feel flat and she cites the phone call and the groceries as the reasons for ending things with no understanding once I’d explained myself about our weekend away that I was just trying to do a nice thing. I kind of feel she may have just met someone else
@Gbb93
2 ай бұрын
I’m glad they lost feelings. She won’t be back. And she’s not a healthy partner for ANYONE. 😊
@josephrodgers3671
3 ай бұрын
Okay here's my problem, she does videos justifying what fearful avoidance do to people But she never makes a video of showing what the fearful avoidant does the people who love them, the destruction in the mental chaos to feel for avoiding cause to the people who actually love them they never make a video about that, all she does is justified the destruction fearful avoidance due to other people who love them just saying
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
She's explaining the FA behaviors, not justifying them.
@Avoidantcoper
3 ай бұрын
Because her business depends on people learning how to deal with avoidants to make it work. The ugly truth is you simply can't do more of patience, more of love, more of whatever it is to make it work with avoidants. They are the ones who need to face their fears and confront them and commit to change. Unfortunately if she tells it like that she won't have any business.
@josephrodgers3671
3 ай бұрын
@@Avoidantcoper you're definitely right she would not have any business if she was to be honest about these people
@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
3 ай бұрын
@@Avoidantcoper that's not what her business is about. If you joined her personal development school, you'd see exactly what and why she teaches on each attachment style. Her KZitem videos, like any other attachment expert, are kind of a quick explanation about each attachment style. In her school there are actual courses and live webinars which focus more on healing yourself. The difference between the thousands of AP's, FA's and DA's in PDS opposed to the ones in these comments is we all talk about ourselves and our lives and our personal growth instead of being hyper focused on our exes. She promotes being a healthier version of you and once you become secure you will either know how to navigate situations with unhealed partners or will choose not to entertain them because you healed the parts of yourself that attracted you to them in the first place. It's far more complex than what is explained in the free videos.
@josephrodgers3671
3 ай бұрын
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life these people are harmful, and they're very destructive, but she seemed to put them on a pedestal and she justifies their toxic destructive behavior these people are very harmful and they don't mean nobody no good
@CobaltLobo
3 ай бұрын
I can’t take this seriously with those eyebrows lol
@ace7821
3 ай бұрын
A lot of this advice is superficial and none of it comes from licensed professionals. You can beat any of this negative advice which is pretty toxic itself. Stay positive and be human and you’ll get what you want; instead of this overthinking over-analysis
Пікірлер: 191