1. They will do acts of service. 2. They will initiate some plans. 3. They will communicate consistently. 4. They will affirm the relationship by acknowledgment or appreciation. 5. They will bring you into their lives.
@r_and_a
28 күн бұрын
these are already listed as chapters with timestamps in the description fwiw
@NovaSky333
28 күн бұрын
All of these were shown with my avoidant partner, yet I was still discarded harshly recently 😢
@beIETian
28 күн бұрын
@@NovaSky333 Same here, the DA (not gonna call him mine anymore 😔) went silent on me after doing all of the above. The greatest mystery of my life.
@NovaSky333
28 күн бұрын
@@beIETian I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s excruciatingly painful and I do not wish this hurt on anyone. I hope we heal in a gentle and graceful way 💘
@user-iz2je3zi2v
28 күн бұрын
@@NovaSky333 So so sorry.
@jessiesemer8194
28 күн бұрын
When I asked my DA bf if he was keen on moving in together his guard immediately went up and he said he was nervous about losing his space, my dog barking, and our sleep schedules being so different. BUT over the summer he’s asking me to sleep over more, he asks if he can come over to chill while I make us dinner, he wakes up early now to workout. I’ve also been way more easy going if he needs the night off. So there is hope!
@SunshineAndSnowflakes
28 күн бұрын
It sounds like you validated his concerns by not pressing him which gave him room to slowly come around at a comfortable pace. Well done. ❤
@sshuteandrew
28 күн бұрын
I love that you are dispelling the avoidant myths here! So many people versed in attachment styles make excuses for partners who are not showing up, and call them avoidant, and the truth is the avoidant acting person doesn’t want to be in a relationship and they are really not that into you. An avoidant will text consistently, show up and perform acts of service when they are into you. It will be very obvious.
@Natalie-td2mq
28 күн бұрын
They can also really like you and pull away ...that's the point
@ashton1952
28 күн бұрын
@@Natalie-td2mqagree but there are also confused peeps who are using the label "avoidant" when they can't see that their crush doesn't feel the same. I believe that's the point sshutandrew was making.
@wendydaniel1110
26 күн бұрын
Being with a DA is like constantly walking on eggshells which creates alot of anxiety for the other party.. They are too much work since they're highly unpredictable, inconsistent and unrealible. Move on you if you want to relax in your connection. You aren't their therapist in the same manner they're not your client..❤
@nellautumngirl
28 күн бұрын
My partner does all of these 😊 I know he loves me, but like you say, he doesn't do words of affirmation so much. But it's ok. I can tell all he does for me is out of love, that's enough ❤
@sifublack192
28 күн бұрын
I can attest to this having DA leaning traits. They're typically slower to warm up and hard to read being so stoic, but once DAs are in love they'll start doing more for their partners.
@SunshineAndSnowflakes
28 күн бұрын
💯
@fabiane7399
25 күн бұрын
True. I've been through all that with a DA. It was love, presence, words...then something went wrong and he vanished for months, then returned months ago wanting to go slowly, with no expectations, but there's nothing of those things he used to do in the beginning. He only talks when he feels like it. It's annoying
@sifublack192
24 күн бұрын
@@fabiane7399 keep in mind not to mistake a DA for someone who's just not interested. People are going WAY too far the rabbit hole these days with attachment style labels.
@kiruxu
28 күн бұрын
This @10:40 - the fear of someone coming to their home, seeing where they live, seeing their personal spaces: I know this person. Hearing this was an actual epiphany.
@tmreaves1
28 күн бұрын
These are all great points but none of it means anything if they are NOT going to commit.
@beIETian
28 күн бұрын
I had a DA partner who said he cannot commit to my situation. Yet he did all of the above, and then went silent after 6 months. 😢
@wendydaniel1110
26 күн бұрын
So true.👍
@usersss100
24 күн бұрын
If they don't even reply, how can they even commit?
@beIETian
24 күн бұрын
@@usersss100 exactly, that's a great wake up shaker. My no contact stays as is,and I just started to move on, slow steps. No matter how bloody painful this is.
@TheUnkindness
25 күн бұрын
Nice, now I know she doesn't give a flying F about me 👍🏾
@williewonka6694
28 күн бұрын
Can only speak for myself, as someone with avoidant characteristics. I look out for my partners interests, including most of the planning and execution of the family's business. I would like to communicate my plans, but Im dealing with someone subjuct to frequent emotional outbursts when anything needs to change, or has changed. I just take care of things as best as Im able, otherwise, nothing will happen.
@r_and_a
28 күн бұрын
thanks for sharing 💜 fwiw, i've heard my DA say similar things about their relatives & employees
@carolynschwalm4512
28 күн бұрын
This is soooo very true! ALL of it! I wish I had learned all the signs and needs of an avoidant person before my last relationship ended, because of these very things.
@r_and_a
28 күн бұрын
agree & so grateful i discovered this channel when i did as it saved my sanity & relationship 💜
@asafselevanay1330
28 күн бұрын
My DA girlfriend did all those 5 qualities with me and even more wanted to have a romantic valentine day with me at home. This is why I fall in love with her after 1.5 years together and then she cheated me with her phantom ex at her job parking lot where caught both of them together. She traumatized me for life. Don't trust avoidant in relationships bc they will leave you out of blue or cheated on you. 40% of avoidant are addicted sex bc it heals them from recent breakup and anxiety. As well addictive brain and body chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. This is why avoidant seek for those two chemicals of pleasure and love something they never received in their childhood. Sometimes they get addicted to other stuff like alcohol, video games, shopping and changing their appearances.
@dennisassini-pw2ic
28 күн бұрын
You’re courageous for speaking out on topic! It’s uncomfortable for many but it is truthful as well. Thanks for sharing your courage!
@Backpack.odyssey
27 күн бұрын
The one thing they never talk about, no matter how well it goes or how they show up, a female dismissive avoidant will always betray you in the end. Rather walk away early even if you have feelings for them.
@sthembiso2nkosi697
26 күн бұрын
If i may ask was she self aware that she has this attach ment style ?
@asafselevanay1330
26 күн бұрын
@@sthembiso2nkosi697 good question. Honestly I don’t know but she mentioned lot of stuff to me that walking in egg shells, overthinking, major depression, can’t sleep very well, and blamed ex husband and ex husband never said anything about herself wrongdoing. She never showed that she’s really struggling with those mental illnesses. Worked two jobs, raised a daughter, two elderly parents and me. I offered to help her mental health, but she never got too serious about it. Bc I work in behavioral health and have lot of trauma therapist friends. Asked her to bring simple things like a notebook she never did. So I thought she probably knows how to manage it good. She was Asian so thought some of the stuff might be related to her culture didn’t question her much, about being quiet or working hard, and not opening up emotionally!
@asafselevanay1330
26 күн бұрын
@@dennisassini-pw2ic appreciate you, it’s just my personality I don’t hold back or hide anything from nobody. Care less if people disagree or make fun of me. No shame in my game. I also work in behavioral health care so I know the power of vulnerability and making connections with people by helping them change is possible and they can go better. I don’t mind to express my situation in social media never know might help someone else struggling to understand avoidant behavior how it impacts healthy individuals.
@tmreaves1
28 күн бұрын
I am sorry to those I have offended with my comments about DAs. Honestly I am new to learning about attachment styles and I am grateful I have found this channel. It is. Ot my intention to hurt or insult anyone. I guess by learning our attachment styles some of this can be triggering in the fact that it was developed during our childhood so in getting over romantic relationships some of us are now dealing with issues from childhood we never knew or understood until now. I feel like it's all a grieving process and a learning one.
@SunshineAndSnowflakes
28 күн бұрын
🫶
@coreygeiger81
28 күн бұрын
@@tmreaves1 It takes a lot to be vulnerable and admit mistakes, especially on an unforgiving platform as social media comment sections. Much much respect to you
@tmreaves1
27 күн бұрын
@coreygeiger81 thank you, I appreciate this so much. Just learning to support one another.
@MilesIncognito
27 күн бұрын
@@tmreaves1 Totally relate, and truth is I started commenting on these videos as someone from the other side, still carrying anger for an Anxious ex and defending myself as a DA. Couldn't agree more with "I feel like it's all a grieving process and a learning one." Carrying blame can be easier and more self-protective than doing the work of learning and understanding. It was simpler when I just remembered her as controlling and unreasonable.
@luketimewalker
27 күн бұрын
"I feel like it's all a grieving process and a learning one." Excellent
@melvenlabitad6233
7 күн бұрын
This is soooooo true. Love their way of showing act of service. Though she was really private with her family and friends and I never got to meet them.
@r_and_a
28 күн бұрын
so many reasons grateful for this channel & a major one is it helping me change how i ieceive my DA saying they appreciate me 🥰 texts saying that felt kind of cold & impersonal, leading me (FA) to want to flee but also felt over-reactive & guilty as it's still a positive sentiment literally spent years in a confusing, long distance, non-exclusive situationship then pds helped me both better understand my DA & grow myself i'm still amazed how much our relationship has blossomed in such a relatively short time & now i read "appreciate" as "love" 💜
@SunshineAndSnowflakes
28 күн бұрын
I'm wondering what those who keep using words like "bare minimum" are expecting? Everyone shows their love in their own way and we shouldn't be keeping tabs on how much more we do for someone than they do for us. Relationships aren't transactional. I used to be guilty of this, but I definitely learned. I used to get so annoyed at my DA when I spent more money on dinner most of the time. But he makes less money than me and I can afford it. He would in turn have coffee by my bedside and make me breakfast in bed. To me, that's worth way more than any money spent. So maybe instead of focusing on what they don't do, focus more on what they actually do however big or small.
@r_and_a
28 күн бұрын
ALL OF THIS!!!
@MilesIncognito
27 күн бұрын
I worry saying "the bare minimum" just deepens the problem of people not communicating their needs and boundaries. It sounds like implicit expectations to me, like "I shouldn't even have to say it because that's just bare minimum". But that doesn't work because we are all different.
@SunshineAndSnowflakes
27 күн бұрын
@@MilesIncognito people with the mindset that "they should just know" or "it's common sense" have a lot of healing to do. I'm proof of that. After doing the healing work, I feel the opposite of what I once felt. I just hope others can put their ego down for a sec, take some accountability and do the healing too.
@FairyGirlMagic
21 күн бұрын
Female DA here: Yes, I definitly do all of this things, when I care about them. Especially when there are romantic feelings.
@BAlston-un2hr
27 күн бұрын
Your videos are EXTREMELY helpful & insightful.......THANK YOU!
@KM-mr5xp
26 күн бұрын
All the things that I’ve run from are the things that completeness could come from. It’s a viscous cycle that I hate and can’t control.
@tash14-s7e
24 күн бұрын
my avoidant ex definitely did all of these things..it was really great until they were triggered and pushed away and said they couldn't give me what I deserve and tried to be friends because they didn't want to lose me but that didn't work so now were in no contact for 2 months..my first time doing this so idk if they'll come back but I've been working on myself and trying to move on.
@nannyboo9832
24 күн бұрын
So true. What did your avoidant ex get triggered by? It seems like it can come out of nowhere…
@tash14-s7e
22 күн бұрын
@@nannyboo9832 after a vacation we took and they had too much to drink so lots of feelings came out and think it freaked them out because I know they really did have strong feelings which scared them I guess..now their self soothing is really strong like no drinking, only working and focusing on fitness from what I see so that's taking them longer to reach back out to me or idk..
@JenGrice
28 күн бұрын
Do you have any videos about two fearful avoidants dating!
@user-iz2je3zi2v
28 күн бұрын
In my distance relationship my DA is extremely consistent in his communication. Both in the morning and evening plus occasional check ins during the day. We have been “friends” for years but in the last few months it has leveled up. He will also do acts of service. He talks about his family, even the painful parts. I wish I understood where this was going. He says he doesn’t want a “committed” relationship but seems to be committed. This confuses me so. I am crazy about him.
@tmreaves1
28 күн бұрын
Dealing with DAs is literally looking for bread crumb trails that lead to NOWHERE!!!
@ashton1952
28 күн бұрын
Depends on the individual, some of them would say having to deal with anxious people is totally draining, too much criticizing and emotional dumping. There's two sides to a story the difference is anxious speak and comment a lot, while avoidants stuff it all down.
@r_and_a
28 күн бұрын
thais has noted DAs often respond *incredibly* well to actually being understood & my relationship with a DA has blossomed since i started learning more about how they *do* express their care (as the video notes what might seem like not a big deal to others can be huge for a DA), what *they* need & working on myself idk why so many leave negative comments about DAs on videos about DAs 🤯 if they're so triggering for you then why waste your time on them? seems working on *your* "personal development" would be a far more effective use of your time but seems most who do this hypocritically refuse to consider their part
@tmreaves1
28 күн бұрын
@r_and_a the fact that you are here indicates that you are aware and seem to care. So with that being said I am and have been working on me. Glad you are doing the same.
@r_and_a
28 күн бұрын
@@tmreaves1 sincerely curious: why are all of your recent comments bashing DAs on videos about DAs? do you even care how those could impact others? how does that relate to working on yourself? why do you assume people simply being here "are aware & seem to care"? are you going to reply to the other response?
@tmreaves1
28 күн бұрын
@@r_and_a how am I bashing?
@oilyskinguru
23 күн бұрын
Mine says I love you every after call.
@KateStocks
23 күн бұрын
I wish I had known about the difference for words of affirmation with my ex who is a DA (possibly FA leaning DA). Instead of saying what he wasn’t doing, I focused on asking for the positive, so I asked for more words of affirmation, and he was so positive about me asking and said he’d happily try. But then he would only say things of appreciation and positive things he saw that I was doing. And I really appreciated it, but I was needing affirmations of his love for me and affirming what I meant to him. So when I tried to clarify what I meant, he felt that I was saying that he failed and that what he gave wasn’t good enough.😔 I didn’t realize how different we saw what words of affirmation were.
@oilyskinguru
23 күн бұрын
My bf can be consistent in calling but in texting he sucks. He doesn't reaffirm and appreciate me.
@quietmind33
28 күн бұрын
In my opinion, these are not behaviors that can be framed as signs of “caring.” They are based on the axiom of insecurity and are so minimal that they have no real investment into the other person.
@ashton1952
28 күн бұрын
Do you feel that avoidants don't care then? Would that also be an axiom of insecurity 🤔 What do you feel they should they rather do to show that they care?
@quietmind33
28 күн бұрын
The whole point is “avoidance of love”. True Care would likely trigger a deactivation. Little niceties are more like components of seduction and love bombing rather than coming from love and care. Its about maintaining and controlling the status quo of the supply while getting wholesale prices.
@SusanLanier-fz3vn
28 күн бұрын
@@ashton1952 I agree. My guy did so much when I moved home and bought a new house. He would check on it every night before my son and I moved back to town; he installed my new washer and dryer, which took hours each night for three nights. Brought meals for my son, me, and him. He brought over his inflatable mattress and insisted on helping me make it up; he would clean my car, drive a U-Haul back and forth over two hundred miles, and help unload it. He's helped with countless projects around the house, given me his passcode, and trusted me in his home by myself, but I wouldn't take him up on that until I had PROOF he valued and wanted me. I could go on. Now I feel like an ass for overreacting or simply reacting when he took space. And I assumed he was looking for someone else because that has happened several times in the past. He has difficulty with physical affection, which I translated as his not being attracted to me. Sooo, I ended it, I think, recently after he didn't do what I felt was enough over the past several weeks. I say "I think" because I can't communicate my needs, so instead, I sent him a text saying I felt like he was looking for attention when he reached out after taking time away. Because we only went a day with consistent texting and mainly PHONE CALLS from him, I freaked out the first few times we went more than a day or two without talking. Regardless, I need clarity and can't beat myself up for standing up for myself.
@SusanLanier-fz3vn
28 күн бұрын
He even invited me to a gathering with his brothers and sister-in-law! He has also tried to get my son out of the house by inviting us to his neighborhood pool, where I always think he's scoping girls. He loves his car, an old classic Mercedes, nothing crazy, but he has never let another woman drive it. But he let me!! He leaves his phone at my house while he runs errands...maybe I'm the avoidant?
@quietmind33
28 күн бұрын
There is a saying: “ never love a half lover” especially if you are the type to fall in love from your heart. Will likely get hurt. Many people have the capacity to separate their emotions from physical acts.
@coppersense999
26 күн бұрын
Thais: the DA translator
@nannyboo9832
24 күн бұрын
They do this then pull away… and you think they’re checked out… then they come back and are warm again. It’s so confusing lol
@peterwho9380
28 күн бұрын
My life is like a roller coaster ride. I thought things were getting better "slowly" and just because I was seeing what would happen if I didn't message her first jsince last Friday she lietrally sends me a message hours ago saying her goodbye's because she felt that I was starting to forget about her. and said that it would eventually happen.......We were messaging everyday, talked about 2-3 times a week and saw her 1-2 times a week and now this???........Hmmm :-(
@SunshineAndSnowflakes
28 күн бұрын
If she took the time to send that to you, I would think she was hoping that you would assure her that you want to work it out. I wouldn't send that to someone unless that was my thought process.
@ShaunaBass
27 күн бұрын
would an act of service for them almost be maybe them taking the risk to say how much you mean to them or being incredibly vulnerable etc
@citrinemartini
21 күн бұрын
Hi Thais, I’m starting to realise that he was somewhat trying in his own way after watching this video. We weren’t dating for very long though (2 months) but we’ve been friends for over 10 years. He was the one pursuing me at the start of this year. After I told him that I like him too and that I see us going somewhere with this, he pulled away and suddenly told me he doesn’t think this is what he’s looking for (checked a couple of boxes in the “6 Things Fearful Avoidants Are Thinking When They Pull Away”video). I eventually accepted his decision and we have been in no contact for 1-2 months now. I’m wondering if it all went downhill because I expected to receive love in a different way. Is it too late to change all this? Since FAs/DAs need more time, can I reach out again after say, 6 months? Would also be useful to understand if FAs/DAs can feel for a person deeply enough over a short amount of time to want to give it a proper chance. Would love a private consultation with you Thais! 🙏🏻
@elizabethdavis1696
28 күн бұрын
I am an avoidant
@SusanLanier-fz3vn
28 күн бұрын
And you are fine!
@elizabethdavis1696
27 күн бұрын
@@SusanLanier-fz3vn thank you
@Cre8Fire34
28 күн бұрын
Acts of service is one thing. And it seems like the bare minimum.
@Alixir1228
27 күн бұрын
1. They don't 2. They don't 3. They don't 4. They don't
@oilyskinguru
23 күн бұрын
My bf seems to be cheating.
@papangack
28 күн бұрын
That is a good live changing video. Personal Development is very important. I even made my own idea of making an personal development project 😊
@peacepantherproductions
27 күн бұрын
I can’t stand the word avoidant anymore. It should be replaced by “deranged lying self consuming person who casts others as one dimensional characters in their boring sagas of self sabotage”
@MatthewDowling
26 күн бұрын
She's wearing a wig and eye toupee's!?!?! Love the channel and the content though, cheers!
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