Thanks Kati! Your workshop with boundaries has been so helpful.
@Katimorton
Жыл бұрын
Yay! I am so glad :) xoxo
@Sososoosossi
Жыл бұрын
*Appreciate your comment 🤞send me a direct msg~got some special for you🎉
@manher4335
Жыл бұрын
Hi it's me "solution"....Am I late? Lmao
@robertverduzco4351
Жыл бұрын
😂😂😂😂😂
@Aftermath-o4f
7 ай бұрын
@@Katimortonhow can I sign up for this workshop please?
@bellegraves
Жыл бұрын
Takes an enormous amount of courage to admit to yourself that even if they obviously did hurt you, you also were a problem.
@tia82706
Жыл бұрын
I love this cause it's true. Everytime I think back to my past relationships - I see how both of us were just triggering eachother . Ik it was them aswell as it was me
@alvaroballon7133
Жыл бұрын
Hello, it’s me. I’m the problem. It’s me.
@tedseb7726
Жыл бұрын
Hello, the problem. I’m dad. Sometimes I’m the problem senior.
@Katimorton
Жыл бұрын
haha! Right?!?
@oftenwrong.
Жыл бұрын
A fly in the ointment a monkey in the wrench Hans
@anianii
Жыл бұрын
At teatime, everybody agrees
@kickingleaves5122
Жыл бұрын
COMPLETELY THIS
@Baconlazer
Жыл бұрын
As Autistic'ADHD and possibly BPD due to past trauma, communication and setting boundaries is very difficult and being in a relationship never lasts more than a year. I used to be shamed for setting boundaries and asking for help ( shamed for crying too )
@wittydaysnow
Жыл бұрын
i was about to talk about autism ! i think we shouldn't take this video as a Truth and bring nuances. like the "childish behaviors", communication struggles and all. you MIGHT be the problem wouldv'e been a better tittle for this video
@thomaseskelsen1362
Жыл бұрын
❤
@BlakeytheG
Жыл бұрын
Felt
@leahw2392
Жыл бұрын
❤ I can totally relate 😢
@Feltcutemightchangelater
Жыл бұрын
You were able to write a cliff notes version of my mental struggles & dating life that fit into 2 damn sentences.
@stoffls
Жыл бұрын
The tricky part is admitting to ourselves that we are "the problem" (usually it is more than one cause) without guilt shaming ourselves. Especially if you have a religious upbringing, where guilt is a major topic, this can create a spiral towards self destructive thoughts. I guess it is important not to be judgemental about ourselves as well as about others.
@Katimorton
Жыл бұрын
Couldn't agree more Christoph!! It's admitting our own role and working to improve that without blaming or shaming.. we all have things we need to work on :) xoxo
@pyrosfyre789
Жыл бұрын
This is unfortunately where I am. Being neurodivergent (not diagnosed so not sure specifically what type) and being raised by a somewhat narcissistic and highly religious mother, I've had to develope a significant amount of mindfulness and self awareness. This is a double edged sword as I am knowledgeable of my mistakes, but severely criticize myself over every little mistake. It is so innate in me that it is Instinct. I was labeled as "broken" early on in life, and it's hard to find positives in life... to the point where often the thought "why do I even try" surfaces whenever faced with the slightest mistake or weakness I perceive in my own character...
@simonebernacchia5724
Жыл бұрын
[insert a segment how sometimes God dynamics would be called narcissistics if same behavior was taken by humans]
@hautecouture2228
Жыл бұрын
You are much more likely to be self destructive without any moral compass and if you fall into the judeo masonic new age religion which is promoted by most psychologists. Yoga, meditation , self worship are all destructive to your soul
@deathtouchltd
Жыл бұрын
I think one thing that most people lack is the ability to take accountability for their actions. Taking accountability for your actions and admitting you were wrong, and understanding why you were wrong is something everyone needs to work on.
@robertdeanwillea5087
Жыл бұрын
I've lived it in 2 marriages, but the good thing is I've learned from my mistakes and lived 10 years alone and worked on myself. Now, 6 years in my 3rd marriage, I think I've got it. Thank you for helping us...
@Katimorton
Жыл бұрын
Yay! So glad you were able to work on yourself and give it another chance!! And of course :) Always happy to help! xoxo
@jmfs3497
Жыл бұрын
Never married, but spent the last decade romantically isolating. I tried dating someone recently, but became irrationally limerent trying to make the wrong person the right person, and eventually broke my own heart realizing they weren't a match for me. The good news is that I feel more aware of the limerence and what I want out of a partner. And I started EMDR and started cleaning up my own act a bit. The good parts of the dating were really good, but the bad part was toxic enough that I knew it would be a horribly dissatisfying long-term thing.
@pedclarkemobile
Жыл бұрын
3rd time's the charm.
@mariposamoreno
Жыл бұрын
i can be toxic too but in my experience the real issue are the people i’ve let into my life
@alladreamwedreamed
Жыл бұрын
I feel this is my issue too, in retrospect ... I am easily love bombed bc I am so insecure and think no one likes me. Narcissists love me :/
@futureshocked
Жыл бұрын
I suffer from CPTSD and this was exactly the case for me. I was everything in the video but what I can say is that because of my CPTSD, it was like my 'alarm bell' for who to let in and who not to was just broken. I'd get with women but low-key really dislike them and they low-key wouldn't really like me. Years ago I'd have felt ashamed for saying that, but good lord, since the Pandemic, the number of conversations I've had with friends and family admitting to doing exactly the same. We really are coming to grips with a deep understanding of trauma and abuse these days.
@terenzo50
Жыл бұрын
I remember a line from Justified: "If you meet an asshole in the morning, you've met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you're the asshole."
@5alazar
Жыл бұрын
Literally the problem in every way, in every relationship. I've recently become aware of essentially being a 10yo trapped in a man's body, so now I'm trying to figure out how to establish my first healthy relationship. It's scary to try because it's just so damn embarrassing to admit this to people, but it'll be worth it. Thanks for the info 🙏
@christys.3912
3 ай бұрын
You're not the only one... we are all just children in adult bodies, until we start to take responsibility for the things we do wrong.. instead of blaming everyone else. I was stuck in my teens for a decade and a half lol
@ravenonthewindow
Жыл бұрын
Most of the problematic relationships I formed were before I learned that I had boundary issues. It’s interesting to see how they are dissolving one by one, but thank god for boundaries.
@TP-nx7uf
Жыл бұрын
I have BPD and I know I am the problem. I´ve had so much therapy, but at some point relationships just started to get so exhausting I found myself more and more self-reliant. I used to have many toxic friendships in the past where I had no boundaries and people just walked over me or I had these weird delusions where I believed we are closer than we actually were. Many people I believed to be my closest friends slow faded me or didn´t show up when I was going through really dark times. And I know it´s my fault for choosing people who were just not interested in a deeper relationship, or needed someone to use for a constant supply of emotional support. I am 25 and I am just so tired of this cycle that I don´t know how to overcome because I am just delusional about so many things...it´s like trying to cross a busy road when you´re blind and there is no one to help you.
@Kampfrattex3
Жыл бұрын
Do you had “good” therapist? I had 4 and only the last one got and understood me and I never grew so much as in this therapeutic relationship.
@derda1304
Жыл бұрын
you sound like an infj... (more specifically the infj-t type) (by the way, found this out about myself when i was as old as you)
@nancysavard4322
Жыл бұрын
You're 25 and already figuring out this stuff. Be kind to yourself and keep forging ahead, work on yourself and enjoy the beautiful life that awaits you
@TP-nx7uf
Жыл бұрын
@@Kampfrattex3 I had 6 therapists, and there was one that really helped me, but she couldn´t keep me in her practice because there was a rule you cannot keep patients who you work with in DBT. After DBT ended, I had to say goodbye to her. I think I am at the point I need a break from therapy, because I´ve been doing it fo 6 years and it took a tool on me. It helped very much of course, but at the same time, it left me with little energy to focus on anything else than my mental health. I would really like to start living a normal life and just get a proper job, my own place and stop reminding myself how traumatized I am every week in therapy.
@TP-nx7uf
Жыл бұрын
@@derda1304 I did the test and I am enfj, but I don´t think it has much to do with my life situation...at least not as much as my BPD.
@theologytherapist
Жыл бұрын
Difficulty with emotions is tough! It can be easy to let that build resentment too, because not knowing how to deal with your emotions can have a lot to do with not knowing how to set healthy boundaries.
@wetakeno4408
Жыл бұрын
u nailed the video lol
@skinnypete3104
Жыл бұрын
This was an excellent video. Once I realized I was the problem and stopped focusing on them and just on healing me and working on my toxic traits I was able to start having much healthier calmer relationships with everyone in my life, not just romantic ones. Totally worth calling my own shit out n putting in the work to change
@VanCamelCat
Жыл бұрын
"You seem to do this more often than I can handle" is one that I really want to manage to implement in my own speech. I feel it communicates much better, but in the moment the "you always" jumps up out of my mouth and I find myself correcting myself "no, not always that was a bit harsh. But a lot" And then the bitter taste is taken away a bit, but still leaves a mark. Better if I can manage to say the phrase I started this comment with. I'm hoping I'll get there.
@carlostavarez153
Жыл бұрын
I love this! 🎉
@christys.3912
3 ай бұрын
Yea we all have to learn to use our words wisely... so hard in the heat of a moment though.
@Katimorton
Жыл бұрын
Maybe you’re not actually the problem and you’re just in a toxic relationship or friendship. Watch the 10 signs of a toxic friendship or relationship here: kzitem.info/news/bejne/q4J-loaYhpV5gpw
@nikkimckay860
Жыл бұрын
Kati Morton. I have always had my friendship and relationships end with arguments and fights also disappointment and disagreement s iv never ended any of my friendships or relationships as they have always left and abandoned me left me with sadness and hurt with a broken heart that's why I'm so lonely now I'm still trying to find myself and get back my feelings and trust in finding and getting into new friendships and relationships thanks Kati ❤❤
@din-b6420
Жыл бұрын
None of my previous relationships were like this one and each ended differently and for diffrent reasons. This one is the one who brought up all my traumas and I am working on myself in the last 2 years but I still can’t handle myself or the situation. I will watch more of your videos as I’m about to break up and I’m scared if is the right thing due to my traumas? Thanks
@misslee7310
Жыл бұрын
I just found out I’m not the problem when I was absolutely sure I was. I’m just gonna go cry a bit now..
@daniellebalouise9596
Жыл бұрын
I have a hard tirme telling whether I'm the problem or others are. I mean, I know "I am the problem" in ways like, I have anxiety, trauma, and have a fairly toxic family that historically has refused to get help or acknowledge their shortcomings or wrong doings and that has made things more complicated for me to even understand what is "healthy" or "normal". I know my mental and developmental issues complicate things, and that things like being "triggered" are a "me" problem. But....ok, I left my mother's house because of how toxic it got living with her (wasn't allowed to have feelings, she'd get mad at me for being disabled and having a "victim" mentality, when I was actively dealing w/"victim" problems, and never was willing to budge to meet both our needs. I lived in a shelter for over a year until they got a new contract that required them to kick out all long term residents, including me, and I had found no housing. So I had to move back with my mom. I've been trying to be what she expects of me, and to create a "persona", kind of like a work persona, in order to do the things that make her feel comfortable and not sour on me. But some things are out of my control, and when big triggers happen or her "nice" face slips (I did not contact her as much as possible while I was in the shelter because of how bad our relationship got - so I feel like she's in a "honeymoon" phase because she has me back now), I slip into a fugue state - just major trauma and the only way I know how to handle it is to leave, like, just leave, even though there is nowhere to go. So I can't tell - I know it's "ME" in the fact that it's my trauma and the healing I tried to do did not revolve around me being able to survive living w/family again, but to heal from the dysfunction of living under their paradigms, and I do not have a good skillset on how to handle all the things I left behind because i couldn't find a way to heal those issues w/my family w/them, but without things really descending into how bad they were when I left, I wonder, am I the issue? Have I always been the issue? Did I make those things up (no, I did not make the bad things up, btw - I remember how bad it was, and I wasn't wrong. I just FEEL like maybe I made it up because it isn't quite visible yet, and I always eternally hope and believe that people can change)? And what if they did magically heal all their problems, without therapy, and now i really am the only problem? Never been good at telling these things. I just feel like, now that I can't ever live outside my family's beliefs, that everything is a "me" problem and i'm immature and incapable and stupid and....idk....
@rachelosiria7865
Жыл бұрын
#2. I don't always have problems in relationships, but it would appear I have problems with them ending. And it is probably because I didn't set better boundaries in the beginning.
@carmelafernando7823
Жыл бұрын
It's mostly about patterns and accountability. The first red flag is when people paint most or all of their exes, former friends, or former associates as the villain and they're always the victim. Some people are sneaky about this, too. At first they say the former partner/friend/colleague is "a good person, BUT..." then paint themselves as the villain who acted on something that the former partner did, that's also a danger sign. They're trying to condition you into thinking. "Oh, you're not so bad" so you'll try to prove that while they get away with misbehavior. And in the end, their actions will be all your fault because they did warn you, even if they were manipulative about it. Finally, another red flag is when a person constantly advertises how they're a) an empath b)who was often victimized by people around them. That's a guarantee you'll eventually become the victim in their narrative, if you don't enable them.
@nolesy34
Жыл бұрын
I painted my ex, a nice shade of blue it was one of those healing art classes but instead of water based i used concrete sealant, rated to last and last.... whoops
@amys0482
Жыл бұрын
I don't have a problem with boundaries. I have low expectations for how people show up in my life. I was neglected. I believe a relationship with me is a burden and that showing emotion (esp anger) or emotional neediness will send people who are only tentatively interested running. I think I am the problem but setting boundaries doesn't work when no one is engaging at all. I sometimes wish someone cared enough to yell at me.
@stingylizard
Жыл бұрын
I hear you on that
@lorireed8046
Жыл бұрын
Till you have someone in your life that will yell at you. LOL That person becomes the labeled "narcissist" in your life. TRUTH.
@amys0482
Жыл бұрын
@@lorireed8046 I don't think I would actually enjoy it. Narcissists come in both abusive and neglectful flavors.
@lorireed8046
Жыл бұрын
@@amys0482 The point is too many people are labeling everyone as a Narcissist. Especially truth tellers. Have you ever been into the comments section of all these "narc abuse" videos? It's absolutely a toxic area. Trying to point out facts there will get you called names and hundreds of people screaming. LOL. Fact is less than 1% are Narcissistic, 74% of them are males. Yet? EVERYONE'S MOM is a "true narc". Therapists have been brainwashing the young since forever ! They are throwing pills out like candy and having people believe their "feels" and "their truths" is all that matters. Facts aren't allowed and everyone needs to cater to the weak. It's just as sick as the emotional damage this same mental health field did when they (on purpose) didn't allow one control group of children to have any human touch or when they used children like caged animals/ a sideshow. They've torn apart families and twins. Mutilated the very brain they want to examine. History proves these people aren't your friend nor are they here to help you. They have only destroyed. Every single time! Facts!!
@tcrijwanachoudhury
Жыл бұрын
I relate to 90% of this but I don't wanna be yelled at lol
@sadie1606
Жыл бұрын
Both my parents apologizing to me for no showing up in the ways I needed and explaining why, really helped my inner child heal. I'm luck I have empathic parents, they just had me too young and didn't know how they should of been till recently. It's ok, I understand
@TheCematrixX
Жыл бұрын
Listen to her guys. I'm in thearpy for 1,5 years now and it has helped me soooo much. Thank you Kati for your awesome work
@Katimorton
Жыл бұрын
I am so glad therapy has been so helpful!! xoxo And of course! Happy to help :) xoxo
@mickeymousey1239
9 ай бұрын
Taking a look at ourselves is hard and this video was so enlightening you made it easy to get some idea's for self improvement and healing. I had a lot of bad friendships/relationships and finally met a man i am seeing now. I didnt trust him at first, i was blah blah blah and then one day i decided to grow up and stop blaming him for my shitty past. He was more than patient and put up with me. I now am journaling, accepting my past and moving forward learning to be my own best friend first. I am more relaxed, happier and letting go. We are still together and he is so happy with me now. Bravo for a well done look into "who dunnit it" perspective.
@ollypebble
Жыл бұрын
*taylor swift has entered the chat*
@nolesy34
Жыл бұрын
Swiftly does the thing
@EmbraceTheStruggle24
Жыл бұрын
As complicated of a subject as this is; there are times I do feel like I'm the problem...but I think a lot of it could be subconscious in regard to my relationships with my peers and family members. In the past, I've had a lot of traumatic experiences...but I also believe I have been a spoiled brat (for lack of a better term). And I always try to be 1% better everyday, and 130% in regard to the genuine effort I give within my social circle. However, I have also been one to have never taken criticism well and often criticize myself over dumb and trivial occurances and I have the notion that everything has a cause and effect along with every action - there is an equal and opposite reaction.
@nala3038
9 күн бұрын
You fight, you see the problem, you solve the problem and everything is normal. This is how it should be, if you can't live without each other. You are not the problem, the problem is the problem.
@lm17382
Жыл бұрын
I have a hard time believing people have good intentions. I’ve been cheated on too many times. Now I think no one is true to their word
@yrite
Жыл бұрын
What's funny is a lot of their expert advice is already in the Bible. Like she said she walks away. Proverbs says Before the quarrel burst forth, take your leave
@ceceyangg
Жыл бұрын
Can you talk about the coming out of victim-blamed to taking control of my story and boundaries? It is such a scary, new, confusing, anxious but empowering feeling. I guess what is a right and healthy direction to go from here that doesn't make me accidentally ruin my relationships? but just set boundaries when I confront someone/people about it and that I finally am ready to advocate for myself. I mean i can't control their reaction to it... but just what I can do in my position/my side?
@jenniferbarboza5864
Жыл бұрын
THIS!! 1000% THIS!
@JulieM11
Жыл бұрын
This is important! I went into this from the perspective of currently trying to leave my toxic boss. It's been difficult dealing with his manipulation, and as a result of what I would call gaslighting, I've often I've caught myself unsure if it's me that's the terrible employee or if it's him that's the terrible boss. But knowing that he has a long history of people being made to feel terrible and quitting due to his treatment is certainly reassuring 😅
@tanyaerickson612
Жыл бұрын
Thank you Holy moly this was so helpful I've actually started seeing everyone as their inner child lately so I can stop judging others. Even the worst ppl were tiny sweet babies until something happened 😢❤
@wildrice1971
11 ай бұрын
3:32 - "... but the boundary is actually what we do when they do 'that thing' ..." I realize that this, for some, is probably so obvious, but I've been in therapy for part of 2022, and all of 2023 (diff therapist this year), and I've never heard this explained so succinctly, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. This will help me so much in my work! You really never know where you'll pick up a wisdom nugget ... thank you, Kati.
@FriskyTendervittles
Жыл бұрын
What about when the actual abuser causes reactionary abuse from the true victim These things get FLIPPED and it happens a lot OR when someone has a complete victim mentality you’ll of course look like the toxic one
@robotnixie
Жыл бұрын
Hi Kati . I find that I can’t even get this far in my relationships. They all end after a few months or if they are friendships by situation (school, work), once those situations are gone, I get ghosted. I never pick arguments and I always act like myself. In one romantic relationship I wanted to discuss how we should talk about a few things, but they had already moved on and were secretly seeing other people and they took months to tell me or reveal to me that it was over. I’m unsure what I keep doing that makes people avoid and ghost me. If anything I avoid conflict as much as possible because I don’t want to ruin anything. But I don’t think it’s just bad luck, I’m the common factor.
@anxiouscutie
Жыл бұрын
Hi, I think something I also do is that I isolate myself because I don't want to be around people who might hurt me.
@madisonburke3588
Жыл бұрын
This was so helpful Katy! I really love the way you list things out and put it on the screen, it makes following along and even taking some notes so easy! Great idea.
@dgxdcoder8791
Жыл бұрын
Just hurt a friend to the point it might not be salvageable. So I decided to watch KZitem and this video popped up lol. I’m determined to work on myself and understand myself. If we can be friends again that will be great, but if not, I have to learn from it so it’s not in vain.
@ct6852
Жыл бұрын
Just a little bit of acknowledgement can go a long way, I think. Just something as simple as 'oh I see your point...I might feel the same if that happened to me'...can literally save a relationship. And even make it strong. Sometimes things simpler than we make it out to be.
@Quasihamster
Жыл бұрын
No relationship, no problem!
@enricomiceli8704
Жыл бұрын
Truest statement
@jessegrover2171
11 ай бұрын
So funny keep seeing comment like these so why are you watching this
@evelu7659
10 ай бұрын
👌👌
@jujubrigis
Жыл бұрын
Yesterday I was journaling and noticed that I wrote "always" and "never" a couple of times. I think I only noticed this time because of your videos. I am sure that I am the problem, I'm just having a hard time figuring out why, and your videos are helping me.
@123Iamawesome321
Жыл бұрын
This is definitely something I've been wondering since listening to "Anti-Hero."
@kiterafrey
11 ай бұрын
The fact that this feels like a personal attack tells me I really needed to hear this video.
@bobbysmith1956
Жыл бұрын
Thanks Kati for always being here for us and to answer our questions. You inspired me to go back to school and start my journey to become a LMFT!💜
@TheLastEgg08
Жыл бұрын
I also felt like I was doing all of these especially attachment and felt guilty until I learned that he love bombed me and we started to see each other once every three weeks or even a month and I understood that my attachement is real because I was being completely neglected and gaslit.
@naddyn685
Жыл бұрын
Been watching your videos past 3 years now. Topics always so relevant to my life. Currently in a new relationship with a lovely man but I tend to self-sabotage. Was cheated on 20 years ago and only just started to feel love again. Thanks for always being that kind voice of support.
@2wheelsarefun73
Жыл бұрын
How’s it going?
@Killua_Zoldyck3407
Жыл бұрын
I always think I'm the problem for everything that happens to me and everywhere i go i feel unloved by everyone. Everywhere i go people blame me for everything it's not just my parents. Everywhere i go i always get yelled at not just by my parents. Everytime i get in trouble my mom has always told me it's my fault I'm the problem I'm the one who did it she still does it to this day and her voice always plays in my head on loop...when i lash out i can't feel my emotions rising up but deep down i feel bad and rude and have a break down in the end and ask myself why I'm like this 💀 i literally feel like I'm drowning in my emotions
@ClementineShmementine
Жыл бұрын
I am the one who has all the problems, I have been ghosted or the “let’s get dinner in 25 years from today because I am super busy(while making plans to go out with friends or parties), I will not cancel this time. I promise” 2:45 no intense conflict- no communication and everyone just smooths it over and makes dinner plans. I am the once in the never friend.
@davidskues7153
Жыл бұрын
Thanks Kati! This validates both when I have been and am the problem as well as when the other person has been and is the problem. I can relate to these in myself and in the other person in various relationships.
@kenrickbautista6141
Жыл бұрын
This is the video I really need now. I can relate so much to what was said.
@Katimorton
Жыл бұрын
xox
@BlakeytheG
Жыл бұрын
This video hit me really hard. Thank you. I feel so lost when it comes to trying to maintain healthy relationships of all shapes and sizes, especially when I have never seen what one looks like. Since I was gaslit a lot in childhood I have a hard time with feeling secure in my truth and how to reflect on what the true problem really is. I would love to see a video on “blame “mindsets and techniques to be mindful when we are placing blame to excuse problems because that’s something I struggle with and see it being such a huge problem in my parents relationship. I would like to learn more about it/ hear your take
@whatsupw9017
11 ай бұрын
My advice is keep your toxic friends and just distance yourself when you need your peace, because being lonely sucks
@thecommonsensecapricorn
Жыл бұрын
my current boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. over the past couple months things have gotten really bad. I have started losing my temper quickly and often and saying things I never thought I could say to someone. My last relationship was toxic but I never raised my voice with him, he was the yeller and I was submissive. But my current boyfriend is a passive aggressive submissive person. But I realize from this video is that my anger is from him never respecting my boundaries, never ever listening to me, and consistently arguing with me when I try to communicate my needs. And so I do have major resentment that is built up inside of me, and it's not going to get better, because he refuses to take me serious when I try to tell him how I feel. We just need to break up. He doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve this. It's not one of us is bad and the other is good. He's severely emotionally immature, but he's not a bad person. I've been so depressed lately thinking Im a terrible person for the way I yell at him, and wondering if this is how I am and how I'll be with the next person. But it's not, because I've never been this way to anyone before. I've never had people in my life who disrespect me and ignore my boundaries so consistently.
@Jessicahurst1
Жыл бұрын
Own your own stuff. But don’t own theirs. Easier said than done, but it’s doable.
@Katimorton
Жыл бұрын
Exactly!! And, yes it can be tricky.. xoxo
@carlodonnell146
4 ай бұрын
I wish that my wife were to be more aware of the triggers...because she doesnt seem to realize that words matter....she always makes minimizing remarks and then blames me when I get upset and ask what she really mean by them,,,,,
@123cp8
Жыл бұрын
Every. Single. One. Clearly, I have a lot of work to do…
@presntnow
Жыл бұрын
No, we all have problems You are not to blame.
@laurenwilgus9910
Жыл бұрын
No one should ever feel that they are the problem but one thing it’s important to recognize is that there is a difference between responsibility and blaming themselves. The hardest thing is to admit when you are wrong but when you do I think it can be beautiful. Let’s face it no one is perfect but the more we recognize are imperfections the more attractive we become
@Ash-gj2lf
Жыл бұрын
No. Some people are abusive, selfish, incredibly immature, or even narcissistic and they are the problem. No matter how perfect you are, you can’t change their bad behavior and toxic mindset.
@merlizesauls1224
Жыл бұрын
Damn .. I'm the problem. thank you for this video though. It's very helpful
@vitohoney5911
Жыл бұрын
Thanks Kati. This one hit hard for me, but is making me accepting some uncomfortable truths about myself. Now I need to work on changing them so I can find and hopefully keep my dream girl.
@christys.3912
3 ай бұрын
Need to find one that proves she can do the same though or you go from being the problem to her being the problem while being told you are the problem. Don't let the woman put all blame on you... many tend to do that. Usually there are two problems in a relationship because there are two flawed humans trying to build a life.
@lm17382
Жыл бұрын
1. There are problems…..yes there are problems in every relationship
@e.thereal
Жыл бұрын
Thank you Katie for sharing your knowledge, I know I am the problem yet still not able to fix it. Moved back home a while ago and that really opened insight to a lot of my issues. Especially in the attachment department. As for boundaries, when family talk/scream bad things at me I am not allowed to go "you stay and listen" while they scream their things and slam the door and leave. How can I de-escalate things like this? Curiosity doesn't work with any of them, well maybe one but on rare occasions. My contact person at psychiatry shays I should move out but I'm worried there will be neglect to our newest family member whom already has developed traits of anxiety and confusion. We got some "stuffers" that keep their feelings in and then latch out on me or him when their cups are full. Yes I'm clumsy when expressing feelings or observations and that probably worsens our toxic family dynamic. I'm the only one that's been to therapy, a sibling acknowledges their issues yet parents and other relatives don't. Being quiet doesn't work, speaking modestly doesn't work, being blunt definitely don't work but that is seemingly my nature. I prefer to be honest especially nowadays (had an era where I lied without consideration), yet I am to tired or perhaps confused to express myself clear without stepping on any toes. Tbh, it is like my existence bothers people, what am I to do about that? I know I can be annoying but having people screaming shut up and being mad, negative or stepping over boundaries is draining. They consider all form as feedback as complaining and they don't absorb positive feedback, only sees negative as nagging. What to do? Considered suicide at many points in life but I have a fighter spirit so must I be here for some reason. Feeling I got so much inside that never gets properly expressed or done, at most misunderstood or never initiated. Not playing the victim card but I am really tired of the ignorance, sadness and anger most of us holds. Sorry for long text, any tips on how to be direct and clear without overusing language? God bless you all!
@trinacondie4372
Жыл бұрын
If you are at all able to move out, please do that! You don’t have the power to help people who only use you to blame their problems on. You are NOT responsible for anyone else’s reactions, only your own.
@ALulzyApprentice
Жыл бұрын
We can always be better. Always!
@deborahklinkner1730
Жыл бұрын
Pretty cool, reinforces that my ending the few friendships & my marriage was the functional thing to do. Didn't see the big picture until after I left & had good therapy to gain good skills to be able to understand the emotions those people created in me
@thelouisfanclub
Жыл бұрын
I think I do have a laundry list sometimes, but it's more like... I don't really mind when they do those things, but then when they complain about me doing it, I always want to say that they do it as well! Maybe it's not very constructive... but in my relationship, I always feel like I'm the one being criticised, because I'm pretty laid back, and I don't really get annoyed by the other person at all, except for the fact they keep criticising me. I find it really hard to tell if I'm the problem or not, as I have never had another romantic relationship, and my friends and family are never critical of me.
@trinaq
Жыл бұрын
Thanks for the tips, Kati, it takes two to tango, and it's always helpful to evaluate your own behaviour prior to blaming the other party.
@UnFUG_Your_Life
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing this video on the 6 signs that you might be the problem in your relationships. It's important to reflect on our own behavior and take responsibility for our actions, especially when it comes to our interactions with others. It can be difficult to admit when we are at fault, but by recognizing these signs and making changes, we can improve our relationships and become better versions of ourselves. The tips and insights provided in this video can help us become more self-aware and mindful of our behavior, ultimately leading to healthier and more fulfilling relation.
@kellythompson25
Жыл бұрын
I've noticed a pattern I do with my partner. It happens when I'm getting impatient with him. We've talked about it. Over time both of is have gotten better. He used to never express his emotions. Being around me where I talk about emotions very freely and calmly. I think it the past he was dealing with emotions in a negative way. Rather then talking. My Mother was very open and showed me and my sisters good ways to communicate. Sometimes I still have issues. No everyone always understands everything. If you don't understand your partner you should tell them.
@elainehyatt9317
Жыл бұрын
I would definitely be the problem. I have only been watching your videos for about 2 weeks now and I am attached. Been attached since watching the first few videos. I have BPD can't you tell. I am used to a therapist with a very psychodynamic way of working. It has been refreshing to see the world from your perspective. Already bought your trauma book and DBT workbook. I am 69 and still have major attachment issues.
@jenniferklopman2557
2 ай бұрын
Boundaries are difficult because it means letting go of people who you care about, or at least radically adjusting what the relationship is. I don't mean to be a victim, but it's been kinda sad how badly men have treated me sometimes. I don't know what to do except hold my boundaries and self love and walk away. Just so much triangulation and cruelty...unprovoked. I just keep praying and remembering that the Holy Spirit is inside of my heart. It's still really sad.
@fishbuffalo18
Жыл бұрын
Thank you Kati. Your videos are helpful for me. Sometimes, yes, sometimes I am the problem. Sometimes not.
@lcampbell9837
11 ай бұрын
I thought I was the only person who could not identify my feelings, you've helped me understand I'm not the only person like this, which is important.
@SketchybrainD
Жыл бұрын
She chased me for years and I kept telling her I’m not good in relationships, I change and have trust issues. Six years she chased me. Before we got together, I told her my issues, what triggers them, how to help not let the trust issues be a problem. Told her if she changes her mind or wants to break up yo just be honest and it would be fine. But I can not handle the silent treatment at all. Tell me u need some time. Anything you need but tell me. Don’t ghost. Guess what happened
@adudeontheinternet8658
Жыл бұрын
#4 is a big one for me. Growing up with a Korean war vet who dealt with his combat PTSD with alcohol has left me with issues I still have not been able to deal with. Someone walking down the hallway to the room I'm in, even if its my daughter, can trigger a response in me that I have to hide myself. Or I become so scared that I can't stop shaking. In these cases I go to bed and sleep it off. If I sleep well that I'm over it for the time being.
@baizhuwaitingroom7057
Жыл бұрын
I recognise I am a problem too, I do many things mentioned in this video, though some of them I mask well (like the all or nothing attachment issues attitude, I know I don't want to leave and I don't want to ruin a relationship that is growing into something good, but I do have those intrusive thoughts at times. It's worse when we're together and I wake up next to him and I spiral into negativity, it did affect him in the past too tbh). If it wasn't for my partner helping me open up and encouraging me to give him feedback on how to do better, I'd just keep it to myself and grow resentful, because as much as I wished to tell him some things, I was afraid it'd also make him sad, or that I'd look selfish complaining about them. I guess we just both are trying to improve for each other.
@MsWiggly
9 ай бұрын
4, 5 and 6 for me and I feel awful :( Going to work on getting better and becoming a better me for my relationships and myself. Thank you, Kati 💜
@garyzornow9084
Жыл бұрын
Hello Yes, I have problems with communication, all of my life. I have always had trouble reading which lead to my lack of confidence of word usage and articulation. I read at the speed of a third grader and my memory is an issue as well. I believe this also is some how tied to very little emotional intelligence. So yes, I believe that I am the problem in most of my relationships.
@davidsisson2026
Жыл бұрын
I know it's easy to see the problem with others, I know from my background I've had so much to work on. As children and adolescents we don't see it until we've lived it. Now I'm still struggling, knowing what I need to work on still. What a roller-coaster.
@MultiApansson
Жыл бұрын
My woman wanted to start using the "I feel " line. It felt kind of passive agressive
@zariahlafleurpowell7028
8 ай бұрын
No, attachment problems can also result not from parents. Being inconsistent but also loved ones passing away. In your early childhood.
@ScotttheCyborg
9 ай бұрын
Liz Taylor was married 8 times. I don't need to know anything else to know where the problem lies. If we keep repeating the same adverse event, it's time to look inward to see if we are doing something. However, it's also important to realize abusers will blame the victim and get the victim to believe that it is indeed the victim's fault. So blaming ourselves is not THE cause, but admitting it may be A cause is the first road to changing the cycle.
@jenni4claire
7 ай бұрын
Hmmm. Maybe but also being both rich and very attractive can attract men who care about nothing else, & pretend to be great guys till after they are married.
@josh1345d
8 ай бұрын
Been so hell bent on only pointing out my girls problems, came across this video to find out I'm apart of the problem too.
@robertfootball1
Жыл бұрын
I’m ALWAYS the one getting dumped in relationships or if we’ve been dating for a brief time, even had friends end friendships with me recently. I’m definitely the problem and it hurts because I don’t know why I’m so easy to throw away like I don’t matter.
@rja9784
13 күн бұрын
Pride and selfishness keep most people from even being capable of seeing their own problems in relationships
@jessolmstead6294
7 ай бұрын
I can be passive aggressive. I can be judgemental. I can be the bad guy. But that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person overall. And I’m not sure if I’m a problematic person in general. All I know is that one of my oldest friends is gone and I’m not sure how much of it is my fault
@do9138
Жыл бұрын
I've started just avoiding people. I'm 67 years old. I've been in therapy off and on since 1974. I assume people won't like me, so I go out of my way to compliment them and "loan" (give) them money. It doesn't seem to matter. I give up. I can read books and watch TV alone.
@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh
6 ай бұрын
If I can offer my opinion, maybe starting off under the assumption that you won’t be liked is a problem that can lead to a self fulfilling prophecy. So then you have a hard time being yourself.
@ChicagoWest-y2z
3 ай бұрын
The problems started when started putting boundaries . And i verbalized over and over . I take a accountability. But none else does and they act like I'm crazy . My mental health is so bad that my family all my life looks at me like I'm the problem i don't understand i have given my life to them helping in any way the moment i start saying no or i won't be treated bad or called names then the your the problem really started in .
@NobodyI991
Жыл бұрын
Me the problem... Na, I could never be the problem! 🙄
@sestrom
Жыл бұрын
I started this video knowing that I had a hand in my relationship issues and I was very afraid that I would learn that I’m the villain in the story. I pressed play anyway because I want the relationship to work. If I’m the villain, I need to know so I can change. I paused a few seconds in to watch the “things you should never say” video and found that I did maybe one or two. My spouse, on the other hand, checks basically every box. My inner voice makes sure to chime in “don’t pat yourself on the back yet. “Things you shouldn’t say” is just one part. There’s still an entire video to get through.” Well, now I have. And it went exactly the same: I exemplified one or two, my spouse hit them all…. I SHOULD feel vindicated but instead I feel hopeless and a bit envious of all of you who learned you were the problem. Because you know what to do to fix things and you have the power to do it….what the hell do I do though?
@sethtenrec
Жыл бұрын
Fix yourself, the rest will become clear.
@zohraabbiss2738
Жыл бұрын
Talk your spouse into going to therapy
@sethtenrec
Жыл бұрын
@@zohraabbiss2738 self first, then spouse/relationship
@Alex10daysago
Жыл бұрын
My man reminds me of that. I know know how to control it. I upset him to the point he has to hit me. And he hates to do that but I bring it on myself.
@justinslife727
Жыл бұрын
Reflecting on all my past relationships, I can say that I am part of the problem,
@Neptune_p_g
Жыл бұрын
Big fat finger at myself. I have long term friendships but we've had our ups and downs that could have ended where I just cut them off because I don't want to have those hard conversations.
@Neptune_p_g
Жыл бұрын
I'm dealing with a question about still having those caregivers i.e. parents that may still be causing that inner pain that also affected me as a child. Do I cut them off? I've talked to them and they don't seem to change. I guess they acknowledge they only did what they thought was right. Now I have a child and I'm scared I'm affecting him the way they affected me.
@amandarattray2845
Жыл бұрын
@@Neptune_p_g Hi Alex! I can't help but I can relate and wanted to make sure to tell you that. I go no contact with mine when I feel I need it for my own sanity. My heart or the universe usually brings us back together...and most times, the cycle repeats. I'd like to cut out the estrangements but as you said, if they can't change to make this a positive relationship for us then...what else can we do?
@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh
6 ай бұрын
Ouch…definitely emotional, boundary, and attachment issues!! I have a hard time knowing when to work on me, or when to stand up for myself. I think I have authority issues because my mother was narcissistic and abusive in every way except sexually and I have a dichotomous response to authority. Either I become defensive or I have a hard time speaking up for myself…I don’t know how to find the middle. And I guess sometimes I have communication issues too…ugh.
@alinapopet9290
13 күн бұрын
Best we stay apart from someone who dont respect us...Being away from them makes us grow and make us love ourself
@vulgartrendkill
Жыл бұрын
Thanks so much for this. 2023 I am going to work on me
@damonlatorella1108
8 ай бұрын
I've never been in a relationship and I know that it's my fault primarily for not choosing good potential partners and for misunderstanding and poorly communicating intentions
@oponomo
Жыл бұрын
Sometimes i wished some relationships ended with yelling and anger. Most ended without any soul out of thin air, leaving me feel empty and unecessary.
@oponomo
Жыл бұрын
@Margaret Stokes Single, Brazil. Not looking for a long distance though.
@ST-yc7uj
Жыл бұрын
@@oponomo good you're not into sociopaths
@roxxiecotton
Жыл бұрын
This video was an excellent reminder that I need to try doing trauma work again because your whole list of things is me 😵💫
@derda1304
Жыл бұрын
i'm constantly getting ghosted i don't think any relationship ever ended in a fight they just stop reacting to me / my existance so of course, i have severe attachment issues the only common thing in those relationships is me i dont know. is it healthier to say "okay i'm the problem, gonna isolate me even more and work even more on me" or is it healthier to say "i didn't meet a single healthy person for all of my life and i should put even more energy in finding new people"? or should i stop accepting the ghosting and stalk them as long as they need to tell me why they vanished?... well okay, don't have the time for that. basically noone has ever criticized me for my behaviour, they just vanished.
@ryugo7713
Жыл бұрын
No excuses from me, I am most definitely the problem.
@lanajansevanrensburg8364
10 ай бұрын
I have attachment issues and rigid behaviours like manipulation and becoming passive aggressive.
@jacquesmostert3942
11 ай бұрын
Sadness, disappointment, loneliness.
@Lr8_youtube
8 ай бұрын
1. Notice your relationships 2. How do you start, improve and end your relationships? 3. Healthy communication difficulties : YOU always and never statement 4. Attachment issues: insecure, avoidant, disorganized 5. Repeated patterns , and not changing your behavior and reaction How to be better? - emotional regulation - inner child work
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