As a retired therapist, I can tell you you would pay $k’s for psychodynamic training by other institutions which Dr. Vaknin has freely offered us! Thank you! Btw, I trained at a highly regarded university so I know what I’m talking about here.
@kellyb1420
2 жыл бұрын
Yes I agree. 👍 Being able to tap into these videos at an given time have truly helped me.
@dzanasaynes4782
2 жыл бұрын
I trained in psychodynamics in Europe...its super pricy courses
@TheMattjudo26
2 жыл бұрын
@@onemightyandstrong8293 I don't think you're that dumb. So why is it that you don't want to think that Sam Vaknin is sharing wisdom in his videos? To me, it looks like you're trying to devalue him? He's got a lot of viewers to that's value in the real world. What's up you?
@5thdimension954
2 жыл бұрын
@@TheMattjudo26 Matt, I appreciate you, but I don’t even respond to ppl like this angry, embittered person above since I’m now retired. Lol. I was making a valid point of reference regarding my comment as I trained at The University of Michigan and it has been rated the #1 School of Social Work since before I graduated in 1989. My training also happens to be heavily weighted in psychodynamic theory as I have additional Post Graduate Psychodynamic certification, so I know more than most psychiatric social workers. I’m confident in my comments because I was offered the best education and field internships under the best providers in Ann Arbor and NYC, couple that with 35 years experience in acute care hospitals, I know what the hell I’m saying when I comment about Dr. Vaknin. Wish I could join him in Europe next week for his guaranteed phenomenal free conference. Who else offers this quality of presentation with his kind of qualifications? I know the answer to this too: no one! Lol.
@TheMattjudo26
2 жыл бұрын
@@5thdimension954 I know you are basically above that. I'm not though. I wish I was and in fact I need to be more wise in how I spend my time and energy, but mud wresting pigs has been a vice of mine. I'm 48 yrs old and considering going back to school for a psychology degree, and basically for the sole reason that I found Sam Vaknin's videos. I was dating a covert Narc at the time, so it has been very salient to suffer and then to have all my questions about why and how answer and then to go on to experience knowing what she would do and why before she even did it. Who would have thought two Narcissists would team up and make that happen for someone they don't even know! Hey I should mention to that hearing you talk about your qualifications and talking about the real world value of Prof Vaknin's videos has also helped me and I want to thank you for that.
@Blonde111
Жыл бұрын
My marriage in a nutshell And don’t forget during the discard, he tells everyone how evil and crazy you are
@Blonde111
Жыл бұрын
@@protectthebillofrights93 they live in their own universe… I was replaced 3 yrs after he abandoned me after 30 yrs of marriage and 3 kids. He has NEVER spoken to me since. I don’t exist for him anymore. And his kids are adults and all live out of state so he’s free. He blamed me for everything but all behind my back. I thought we were happy for 25 yrs, now I think it was all BS. I raised his kids, helped him with his career moves and was his social director. He was cheating on me, which I found out years later. It was all a big sham. I’m doing ok, but I will never be the same. And I will never trust anyone with my life again.
@TheVaultwest
10 ай бұрын
This framework perfectly explains my experience. The cognitive dissonance created in the shift from being idealized and treasured to being ugly and despised is sheer torture. After sharing the most intimate details of our lives, I’m now dead to him. Discard has left me feeling depressed and worthless. The void he left after ripping himself entirely from my world will take some time to heal and refill. But heal i will. Your videos help me understand that this relationship was always meant to be doomed and i couldn’t have saved it. I can only save me.
@joannastanden5816
10 ай бұрын
Me 2 the same ...trying to keep him away from me .he's hovving stage but I know it won't last. Good luck and hugs
@TheVaultwest
8 ай бұрын
@@joannastanden5816 Hugs to you. We’re going to be okay 🩵
@DailyGrindRedefined
7 ай бұрын
My natc ex did literally the same thing to me. In fact the last text I received from him was “you’re dead to me”. Why? Bc I went to dinner and drinks with a female friend of mine and that’s makes me a ho wanting attention from men. It’s sick and it’s twisted.
@TheVaultwest
7 ай бұрын
@@DailyGrindRedefined They blame us even for making them hate us. And they hate us because they changed who we were. It’s an absolute no-win situation for us. Good luck, I’m rooting for you. We’re stronger than the narcissist. 🩵
@estefanymurillo22
Ай бұрын
You will heal, believe me. I thought I was dying after the discard phase, but now I can see back and laugh about it...
@teresabernhardt807
5 ай бұрын
I love this guy, he wants us all to learn.
@thusharividanagamachchi9779
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this explanation Professor Vaknin. Brilliant! Every word makes sense. This is exactly my experience from start to finish. He couldn’t hoover me back so he rushed into a new marriage to play the game all over. We have work to do on ourselves for falling victim to narcissism but it is indeed sad to think of the mind prison they are caught up in, with no real escape. I can’t begin to imagine the level of trauma that causes this condition. For me it is a serious worry that I would attract a similar partner in case I entered a new relationship. This is mind and life destroying stuff. Thank you from my heart for educating us. You are indeed a gift.
@Therouitall
Жыл бұрын
I feel so much power that I know him better than he knows himself. I am free but he it not. We are the winners ❤❤❤
@AllergictoIdiots-gd9ev
6 ай бұрын
❤
@Mia15239
3 ай бұрын
the best thing is still to hope he can get through all the delusion so he can also be truly happy. thats the real winning. when everyone wins.
@blinkyy1088
2 ай бұрын
Victims tend to copy certain behaviors from their narcissistic partners, believing that they know others better than themselves is one of them. You likely have more healing to do
@YogidancingBear
Ай бұрын
You nailed that, it makes it so much easier to “handle “ these persons
@daquainoo2126
Ай бұрын
@@blinkyy1088 or, we bury ourselves in NPD knowledge to the point where we actually do know them inside out. They’re predictable once you know the psychodynamics of the disorder
@fulloffiresagittarius2944
2 жыл бұрын
Dear Professor Vaknin, I am so thankful I fell upon your channel. You have given me the inspiration, courage and strength to take my ex husband who is an extreme covert narcissist and also a divorce attorney back to court to fight for my freedom, justice and children after 6 years of being very afraid of him. He has manipulated, deceived, preyed upon my vulnerabilities and abused his powers not only regarding my children and I, but the judicial system as well. I am so thankful for your knowledge and educating women such as myself.
@fulloffiresagittarius2944
2 жыл бұрын
@@smithhamilton3024 Thank you this is not going to be an easy battle but one that is purely based on facts. I’ve Learned so much from Prof Vaknin, Im extremely grateful ❤️ I wish I knew this 20 years ago when I first met him and he represented me as a rape victim
@fulloffiresagittarius2944
2 жыл бұрын
@@rahmasamir909 Thank you, I am representing myself after dealing with 3 useless attorney in the state I reside in. I've learned they all swim in the same pond, drain you financially and no one wants to fight with him. So I will take all the support and courage you are sending 🥰
@fulloffiresagittarius2944
2 жыл бұрын
@@rahmasamir909 thank you I will certainly reach out if I feel I need to be more educated in certain areas. I’m a scientist so I’m pretty calculated, methodical and factual I just need to keep taking deep breaths so my anxiety doesn’t take over me. Sending love and positive thoughts your way thank you again
@fulloffiresagittarius2944
2 жыл бұрын
@@MissAmazings I’m not I’m in Boston. Ugh, i’m sorry for what you’re going through. I hope things turn around for you :) you’re in my thoughts and prayers sending positive vibes your way love
@ImpulsoCreativo9322
Жыл бұрын
@@MissAmazings this is what I mostly fear upon starting a divorce
@sazonada
2 жыл бұрын
Sam Vaknin has helped me TREMENDOUSLY since I found him two years ago. Because of him I feel not immune, but in control when encountered by love bombing. But I learned two very important things in the process... 1) Not all of the people who share some of these pattern are narcissists. An example of this would be people with "Fearful Avoidant" insecure attachment style. This comes from similar traumas as NPD such as physical and sexual abuse and enmeshment. A lot of the people who share these patterns could be effectively treated with a therapy such as EMDR which works much more quickly than Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and is helpful around trauma where CBT can sometimes fall short. 2) The second, more painful reality is that even with people whose hurtful behavior can be reversed by therapy we really have to keep ourselves safe. In some cases we can draw a line in the sand that they continually work hard with both of you in therapy or you leave. But for this to be effective they have to really WANT TO try and frankly, we do too. We have to change ourselves just as much. We are part of the dynamics in both cases. The cases in which this happens, that both people put in the work is smaller than we would hope. So often breaking up is the only good answer. The upside to the reality that some people who share the patterns of people with NPD but can change is that you can effectively co-parent with them. Learn a lot about the patterns, however so you don't end up confusing the two when you should be going "No contact" with a Narcissist. Im wishing you all success in learning the patterns in unhealthy relationships, but more importantly, learning the patterns IN YOURSELF. My healing didnt happen from looking at other people. Its happening by doing the harder stuff. Looking at me.
@mommakimmins5554
2 жыл бұрын
This makes a lot of sense. It explains many behaviors I've seen. I can particularly recall a certain friendship ending over a small misunderstanding that got blown far out of proportion that I took the night to cool off before responding to. I was tuned into her reactions by then, so I was expecting what I got. I was hoping not to receive the vile projection, name calling accusations, and lashing out, but - at least - this time I was prepared (no, this wasn't the first instance). I walked away that time. It's been 2 years. Educating myself on narcissism and narcissistic abuse has helped me not get the desire to try again like I usually do by now.
@harryzoe
2 жыл бұрын
I had the same experience a couple of years ago. The falling out was deliberate (I think) and there was horrible defaming stuff on Facebook and an attempt to break up the relationship I had begun with a friend of hers (with jealousy at the heart of the behaviour, I am sure).
@annbritanilsson
Жыл бұрын
Yes the urge to keep trying again is the death knell. There is no true reconciliation. Being able to accept that is like breaking free of an addiction.
@alfredajohnson5587
3 ай бұрын
Thank you for insights on the shared fantasies of a narcissists and how they attempt to project their desires upon other individuals. Very enlightening. I am a student of psychology.
@jelenajelicic9713
6 ай бұрын
Wow I m trying to understand this complex situation in narcissist head… mind blowing, yet now I feel sorry for a person who has to deal with this whole life. Thank you professor ❤
@joniangelsrreal6262
2 жыл бұрын
I’ve followed you for years… you are the founder-First to expose and educate All on Narcissism…👏👏
@EmGee49
Жыл бұрын
Sharing his videos with my psycholgy class at SNHU. Thank you Sam.
@findingfreedom9674
Жыл бұрын
Thank You!!!!! This is incredible. It took all the bits and pieces and unified them for me. This takes all the emotion out and helps me enter a cognitive realm to better understand and put less personalization on how I have been treated for almost 3 decades.
@annelyndorff8381
2 жыл бұрын
It really clarifyes it all, and why the keep comming back, even when they , in the meantime, has had a New intimate partner whom they also have discarded. But its makes it at lot easyier to ignore their hoovering once you understand that your NOT the object og their love and affection, but mearly a way to attemt to heal.
@therealbronxilla
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for this. It explains so much of what was going on in my "relationship," both the role of the narc and my own part. It also lifts the burden of giving the narcs devaluation significance. It was not me; it was her dealing with my introject. I also now see clearly that there is absolutely no point in attempting any kind of reconciliation because the reconciliation would be not with me but with her introject of me, and it would be resting on sand. I can also now begin to understand the sudden, inexplicable discard. I assume a lot of us have the same reaction: at the point of discard: how could you treat me like this after everything I've done for you, all the love I gave you?
@Ysmfotografie
Жыл бұрын
Exactly
@volk3644
Жыл бұрын
Yes! Asking the same question!
@theUmovement
Жыл бұрын
This makes so much sense. I was responsible for my narcissistic mothers emotions and then participated in this with my exhusband. Both of us so badly wounded by our mothers, I could see as I was so confused how he could be both do comforting and so abusive. Now it makes perfect sense. Thank you 🙏
@rachelcronin766
5 ай бұрын
Flawless explanation of the rendition I was put through. OMG! Incredible insight!
@NT-ih7ex
Жыл бұрын
Crazy how this really describes my vulnerable narcissistic "friend"'s relationship with her grandiose narcissistic husband... Both have been generating so much chaos and drama in each other and their poor children have to witness all that.
@marisolvalez4719
2 жыл бұрын
This is so sad thank you for doing this video and letting us see inside a narcs mind...
@asmahassan909
Жыл бұрын
This is the interesting videos, now I know why the Hoover came even tho I could feel the love wasn’t genuine
@heleenschaaphok5521
4 ай бұрын
Thank you very much, I finely understand why the narcist does what he does. That helps me too except and move on with my life without the narcistic partner.
@mr6sg
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for your work . Hope that Brussels may be in your agenda as to raise awareness to this topic in particular. Brussels, for many reasons, is plagued with Cluster B personalities unchecked untreated and, often times, under the radar of a lazy and unprepared judicial system.
@michele.Saliba
2 жыл бұрын
As you said Professor Vaknin first thing when you launched the video, this is the best video gathering all the complex information about the shared fantasy. Thank you for this organized explicit and integral video .
@Shams_Hussam99
2 жыл бұрын
thank you Professor Sam vaknin
@soperreaultcreations6655
Жыл бұрын
Now I understand why he is idealizing me again, despite the fact I saw and see his game... and told him. He is in denial. For a second I had hope that I could help him when you said it was healthy for him to put me down, I consider for a second to accept to be devalued, and tell him I am all bad and worse... just to let him get rid of his mother... but okay, lol it will not be the solution neither. Very interesting subject, object, introject, etc. Thank you so much!
@gstar1229
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you Professor. Brilliant explanation.
@barbara1644
10 ай бұрын
Wow.. describes what I experienced with him. Every phase. Also mortification. 2.5 years. Incredibly well explained.
@Rothinger
4 ай бұрын
Great lecture. I have never learned so much about NPD than from You Mr Proffesor.
@LawrenceSTaylor
Жыл бұрын
I pictured an accountant simultaneously , trying to find an error (acceptable human flaw)then refusing to see it once it is found (insisting on perfection)
@Rahel
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you, Prof. Vaknin. Nice play on words at the end there, too.
@ChildofGod2890
2 жыл бұрын
Very well summarised. Many thanks Prof Vaknin. Thanks.
@narzissmushilfe
Жыл бұрын
Mindblowing! Thank you professor.
@doonyfam8431
2 жыл бұрын
Thanks for this professor, this has been so informative and such an eye opener
@semperdecorus37
11 ай бұрын
I appreciate all your work on this topic, Dr Vaknin! I ordered your book and I can’t wait to read it.
@alegna242
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for this information. It has resonated with me deeply.
@dobrza_anka5986
2 жыл бұрын
Perfect explanation ! thank you Professor 🙏
@michelletrill2870
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for your knowledge
@SMA57880
2 жыл бұрын
Another superb analysis of the narcissist.
@laurelmarshall6903
Жыл бұрын
Thank you, Professor Vaknin for your valuable insights.
@koda0388
2 жыл бұрын
Prof. Vaknin, how does this apply to the cerebral narcissist who lives all his life with his mother and gets his supply; service and adulation from his mother. He "loves" his mother so how does this theory apply when the narcissist sees his mother as "good enough" someone who protected him from the harsh world not as someone who actualy abused him. It seems he is trapped willingly in a shared fantasy relationship with his mother until she dies because she won't let him go. Thank you for the content.
@samvaknin
2 жыл бұрын
This is emotional incest and it suspends all these dynamics.
@koda0388
2 жыл бұрын
@@samvaknin thank you
@hasanpacha4979
2 жыл бұрын
Mind blowing thank you.
@louiseelliott6404
10 ай бұрын
Absolutely fascinating. I get it. However, what about if you discard the narcissist. The narcissists hoovers you and you engage and then you rediscard? This is what I’ve done. I imagine there’s been mortification and I never hear from him again.
@samvaknin
10 ай бұрын
Search the channel.
@lenaduggan4697
2 жыл бұрын
My narc claims his mother was a wonderful person. He claims his childhood was wonderful.
@ImpulsoCreativo9322
Жыл бұрын
This is my situation too. Wondering on the professor's opinion
@flyingmonkeys2145
2 жыл бұрын
Professor Vaknin, What happens to the Narcissist when you read through them and discard them first? Thank you,Natalie
@iu.5146
2 жыл бұрын
They become very vindictive. Often they will try to get back together, love bomb you with one objective, only. To dump you. They can’t handle being left as it renders them insignificant and out of control. In order to reestablish the superiority, they have to get back together with you in order to dump you and regain control. It’s important to stay complete no contact and not fall for their fake love bombing. This is only possible if you don’t have children. When you have children, they will make coparenting a total nightmare. The same applies for the divorce procedures
@felixkeppy9849
Жыл бұрын
It depends on how you discard them, if you start a new relationship immediately afterwards and humiliate them publicly they will forever want you. If you don’t you might be friends or nothing. If it’s a psychopath he will not care.
@Onyro
11 ай бұрын
this has made me feel like i am a Nacissist and its devastating and I need to heal from it . I am sorry.
@helinatomeh9571
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you dr. Vaknin
@Jethie8
2 жыл бұрын
Dear Sam, thank you for your wonderful videos (and hair cut). One of your comments in this video made me wonder whether if the father plays a role in socialisation later in the child’s life, could behaviours from the father influence the type ( eg overt/covert) of the narcissist?
@samvaknin
2 жыл бұрын
No.
@latikabenz6289
2 жыл бұрын
Hi Professor Vaknin, when are you coming to Portugal? Thank you.
@samvaknin
2 жыл бұрын
When you organize an event and invite me.
@cybercyber4619
6 ай бұрын
G*d.. tks for putting a structure round the chaos of it, rather cleverly. .. an immense challenge Makes sense. Tks for sharing. INTERESTING. (nz)
@Iamnosey
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this very valuable information 👍
@SamR385
Жыл бұрын
I'm seeing this a year late, but hoping someone will be able to help me understand. I'm hearing that in this framework, the narcissist's mother is always a narcissist, but that is not always the case. How does one explain a narcissist whose mother may have been emotionally unavailable but was not a narcissist herself, in this model? His father was an abusive alcoholic.
@billgardiner8396
Жыл бұрын
This is a good recap-narrstive of rhe Book of Exodus. with Pharoah v Moses as archetype narcisiststs and their respective god-deities as introjects. The journey into Sinai represents the process of reconciliation and maturation, allowing an entire, unified people-personality to enter into the adult New Land.
@dobrza_anka5986
2 жыл бұрын
One question Professor - why the narcissists actually can’t Devalue and discard his mother of origin in real life ( if she still alive) in order to separate and individuate and complete the process?
@dobrza_anka5986
2 жыл бұрын
@@eb7863 I have experienced pretty much same as you and now I am in the same stage of my life . We will make it and get over it some how . I believe I will be unconditionally happy one day . Keep the faith! Your not alone 😘🙏❤️
@TheLisajoyce
Жыл бұрын
Mine discarded his mother
@murielfreitas5353
3 ай бұрын
You are a genius!!!
@spiralcat6376
2 жыл бұрын
What happens to the internal object when the narcissist starts the process over with someone new?
@soulsurvivor2730
Жыл бұрын
Amazing. Thank you !
@dingo9637
2 жыл бұрын
You are very clear...
@embraceslowlivingnow
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for your clarification of a terribly confusing period of my life. You explained that further in the process the father figure comes into play. Could you please elaborate on that? Or do you perhaps already have a video in which you do?
@nursesrock4264
Ай бұрын
mortification sounds like the better result after all of this... whew!!
@valentinasof
9 ай бұрын
Dr. Vaknin, would you say that the mental discard is involuntary? Meaning that the N simply experiences the mental discard (just like a baby would, as an instinctive push to individuate) and then needs to justify it to himself through an external devaluation and splitting (just like a baby would). It seems to me that the narcisisst has no say in the mental discard...
@samvaknin
9 ай бұрын
Time to watch the video.
@carolynameliawlosinski9802
3 ай бұрын
Sounds exhausting! What is the timescale for this typically, months, years? Also what happens with all these introjects, it has the appearance of a pack of unpleasant tarot cards!
@samvaknin
3 ай бұрын
Search the shared fantasy playlist.
@SMA57880
Жыл бұрын
Hi Sam. I’ve got a question for you. In a previous video you mentioned that the narcissist has to have a steady aspect to their life. So when a narc retires and the pickings get slim, and they have established security through a steady relationship, how does he work out the mother wound if discarding is not an option? Do they perpetually devalue and grow more miserable? Very curious to hear your answer. Thank you!
@samvaknin
Жыл бұрын
They convert the partner from a mother to a service provider.
@SMA57880
Жыл бұрын
@@samvaknin Thank you for your reply. It is much appreciated! So, I don’t want to pick your brain( actually I do lol) do they devalue the service provider or do they look for someone else to devalue? ( ie. friends, family, associates, etc) In other words since they are seeking separation from the mother ( unconsciously) and it is an energetic within them, how does the narcissist go about resolving the mother wound if the service provider is exempt? Or is the SP the target to devalue w/o the discard?
@LaMesaC
6 ай бұрын
@samvaknin haha, ain't way I am going to be my narc abusive husband service provider/caregiver 😂. Glad I am divorcing.
@cherissataylor1625
Жыл бұрын
“Trauma bond”
@FantomwithanEff
Жыл бұрын
I going through a separation from a narcissist right now and a big part of the torment was the constant wondering of what went wrong that he is now like this and endless crying from the memories of the love bombing case and God bless you and thanks to god that i saw this video... It's just not about me.. anyway a question may be for you @prof, i am not sure if may be i am not the total borderline or a bit aware borderline or a bit experienced borderline or whatever but i have decided to move out... I have been degraded like damn i am almost losing my job coz i be so anxious, self doubting, suicidal sometimes... Anyway i was still kinda trying to please them but at some point i saw the lies and behaviours weren't just adding up and i am sick of this mental state so i found a separate place and told him about it.. he tried throw me like some love breadcrumbs that i dint bite into ... What's next, could he harm me in anyway, i watched in some videos that narcissist if abandoned can harm too
@custardballs
9 ай бұрын
how can he sucessfully hoover you when he's already moved on with a new supply ??
@iu.5146
2 жыл бұрын
Now I understand why my ex narc made me feel like I was his mother. Our union wasn’t love either. It was a shared fantasy. Wow. Once you can put words to what you have experienced, it’s so much easier to move on. Thank you for explaining, Sam. Your video has provided so much closure.
@taradean8504
Жыл бұрын
Having the precise language to understand is the key to the door for our escape :)
@wendyperalta3300
Жыл бұрын
I feel your comment so much! Mine too makes me feel like I am his caretaker. He cheated on me with two hookers spent 100k at the casino and he has been out of the house for a year. I plan to submit divorce papers March but he wants to move back in. He literally pays 0 where he lives and they want him out! I refuse to take him back! I’m not his mommy and I don’t need another child to raise!!!
@rosethornil
Жыл бұрын
This is so helpful. I knew something was wrong with the relationship, but I didn't know what. I would often tell my ex (before he was my ex), "I'm not your mother! I'm your romantic partner. Please stop acting like you're my child." It was crazy. Now I understand how this came to pass. So very helpful.
@anamartafaial1916
Жыл бұрын
Só TRUE
@lisafoster9190
Жыл бұрын
Mine used to joke I was his carer. We had a lot of shared fantasy. I think that is what hooked me. But it's hard to keep contact with him when he goes on and on about false self, deception and lies which I'm not all about. Currently going no contact
@minikorsi
2 жыл бұрын
I thought for 24 years that I was in a relationship, now It sounds more like taking part in a sick virtual reality game…
@NN-re7cy
Жыл бұрын
🎯
@jacksavage279
Жыл бұрын
💯
@neomaredi5922
11 ай бұрын
A VR game with an audience of one.
@birgittspears9866
7 ай бұрын
It was 21 years for me. I ❤ Prof Sam Varkins so helpful information.
@MultiIsing
6 ай бұрын
30 years here 😢
@gre.m9044
2 жыл бұрын
I'm going through this right now, 3 yrs later and SEVERAL hoovers and discards. He can't seem to let me go and has treated me worse and worse everytime he has got me back. This all makes sense he sees the snap shot of me in his mind when im gone, i am the introject. He hates himself that he can't let go and projects that hatred onto me. I've finally moved on with someone new, no more abuse. He's currently crumbling in narcissist injury with the realisation I'm never going back, he has finally lost control!!
@gstar1229
2 жыл бұрын
They unravel eventually.
@iu.5146
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for explaining. Now I understand why my ex husband still hates me so much, 10 years after our divorce. I left and refused to reconcile after our divorce. Hell broke loose after that and he displayed a cruelty and vindictiveness that I wasn’t subjected to while married, nor thought humanly possible. He has been on a consistent downward spiral since I left. He used to tell me that I’d never make it without him. He was very wrong about that.
@tessellatiaartilery8197
2 жыл бұрын
Well done on getting out. Take good self care of yourself. All best wishes with your new life and knowledge.
@olgaa8441
Жыл бұрын
I wonder how fast after break-up did he hoover? I broke up in April 2022 (this year) and no sign of hoovering. He was a textbook narcissist clinically diagnozed. But I wonder why he didnt hoover, did he realize stuff?
@gre.m9044
Жыл бұрын
@@olgaa8441 not all Narcissist hoover. He may have realised that you are not so easily manipulated or you remind him of deep rooted shame he wants to bury. He undoubtedly has a new supply or several new supplys that's giving him the attention he thinks he deserves. Your definitely not out of the woods yet, Narcs can hoover years later.. Thank your lucky stars he hasn't done so yet. Hopefully by then you'll be strong enough to ignore. Best of luck don't go back!!
@mimi-gw2yy
Жыл бұрын
This makes sense if you were abandoned by your mother or abused by your mother. The idealisation phase is like getting that unconditional love fix that you never received from the mother.
@marinettecachin5931
Жыл бұрын
My mother died when I was 17 months and a half. Now I understand why The love bombing phase is very addictive. Even when it feels to good to be true I felt into it big time . I realised now after what I have achieved in my life despite the lack of unconditional love and despite a narcissistic husband whom I divorced I managed to build my house, have a job, studied, and look after my kids and have a good relationship with them and keep my finances in good shape despite my struggles. And I have great friends and I am healthy physically and mentally. I am coming a long way and so eager to learn more Those videos are god send. It all makes sense . Time to process and enjoy life.
@patriciapinales8249
9 ай бұрын
@@marinettecachin5931❤
@janedoe5229
5 ай бұрын
I can TOTALLY relate to that.
@michelleschulman914
2 жыл бұрын
Framework of "Shared Fantasy" concept of Nacissist within intimate and interpersonal relationships - to reexperience his childhood trauma "safely" - makes sense perfectly in his mind. Stages: 1. Coidealization - "Love bomb," "idealization": The narcissist gets you addicted to an idealized image of yourself (hall of mirrors), and in idealizing you, he idealizes himself whereby he "owns" a perfect object, you, in a form of a perfect snapshot, which he internalized, which makes him perfect. He interacts with this perfect "snapshot" of you, all good and perfect, never the real you. 2. Dual Mothership - You become a Substitute Mother in his mind - and in turn, he mothers you. He tests you with abuse and will you still idealize him? He idealizes you in turn and loves you unconditionally. Why? His own mother was bad, and he never got to separate from his own mother or individuate so he could not become an adult. This is his opportunity to get and give the good mothering he never got and to separate from you and realize his potential. 3. Undoubtedly he will begin to find fault with you, and fail you. The "Mental discard" comes first, which creates abandonment anxiety and narcissistic injury that he made a mistake choosing you!! His judgement was less than perfect. 4. In order to restore his sense of grandiosity and self worth, "Devaluation of the external object" occurs - you in real life - he looks at you in a new negative way - this restores his confidence in himself. 5. The problem remains that the Gap between the "snapshot" perfect image of you and the real devalued you - this divergence creates anxiety in the narcissist. So what does he do to rectify? He splits you. (Splitting defense good/bad, black/white, right/wrong, with me/ against me - "Dichotomous thinking"). To reconcile, He devalues your "snapshot" and as a result he can now see himself as all good. You are now the Enemy with no redeeming feature. He is grandiose and perfect now!! You are all bad, stupid, ugly etc... 6. The Discard - he still holds your devalued snapshot in his mind, only now he wants to give it back to you, a constant reminder of negative things. He wants you to agree to the terms of your devaluation as he sees it, and wants YOU to own it as bad and unworthy. "Codevaluation." He usually fails. Introject constancy. He is emotionally invested in the introject. Desperate attempt to separate from you. This ulcer torments him. A negative internal object constantly reminds him of his imperfection. 7. Hoovering: reduces his anxiety, reidealizing you and reidealizing your snapshot....and now everything is perfect so he is perfect! But now separation has failed! 8. Next Partner - repetition compulsion - 9. Mortification breakdown - suicidal thoughts - restoration of all new identity
@sabinedouble07
Жыл бұрын
Thank you🙏🏼
@etandrepont
Жыл бұрын
Thank you very much!
@sophiebazgier9596
Жыл бұрын
This us really really great description!!! Thank you
@ccchefccheffchefff
Жыл бұрын
@@schadelharry4048 No. No normal person would act in that way. Maybe reconsider your relationship with this "weird, self absorbed woman" that you believed in anyhow
@rosethornil
Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for typing this out! I have been feeling sad for a time, trying to figure out what happened to this relationship (with my ex). Now I understand that he was a narcissist and all the rest of the craziness is suddenly making a lot of sense. How liberating!
@Reese.speaks
5 ай бұрын
I went through all of this, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. The push pull devaluations stressed me so badly, I began having health issues with my nervous system. The put downs were so hurtful. I finally told him I do not agree with what he says about me and I left him. I am now working to rebuild my life but it has been hard. I cried today thinking how far I’ve come, it’s been 7 months and I feel strong enough to file for my divorce now. My goal has been working on the woman in the mirror so I don’t make this mistake ever again. My biggest lesson is learning to listen to my inner knowing and taking things slow enough to discern what’s happening around me.
@allyettiene1730
2 ай бұрын
This is exactly where I am 7 months on. I have filed for a divorce and I am rebuilding the girl in the mirror thanks to Professor Vaknin's talks😊. Onwards and upwards 🙌
@roberttrinca3868
Ай бұрын
When you get away from a narc you find that they are so enmeshed in your sense of self that when you attempt removing their voice and influence from your head that you are left with a vast empty space to fill. Congratulations on your emancipation and growth.
@veronicaestrada4100
Жыл бұрын
He is so generous with sharing his work. No doubt he is the leading expert on this subject. Learning so much. I wish I knew this before I married a narcissist as I have gone through all of this with my husband whom I’ve given most is my life to. I am getting a divorce.
@juliejames7507
Жыл бұрын
As a layperson, I only had to look up a few words to receive a full understanding of what you were sharing. Overall you have wrapped up my 40 years of trying to understand the Jekyll & Hyde person I had been living with. At the moment my mind is overwhelmed but I have clarity. It truly was a circle existence of a living hell. Thank you for putting puzzle pieces of my understanding together & this will help me move on.
@MeowMeow-yw5xt
2 жыл бұрын
Professor Vaknin, is it possible that discard starts at the very beginning of the relationship meaning in narcissist mind he entered the relationship deeply knowing how it's going to end?
@samvaknin
2 жыл бұрын
Yes.
@colinmitchell6321
2 жыл бұрын
An interesting observation, the narc I was with, said at the very beginning "Are you sure you can cope with me?" I had no idea what I was embarking on!!
@ivana5240
2 жыл бұрын
@@colinmitchell6321 yes, there's always a warning at the beginning. The only honest moment in the coming relationship. You only realize you heard this when it's over. I was already "head over heels" when this was said to me. Ehhhh....
@carolinekamya2339
2 жыл бұрын
@@colinmitchell6321 yep, they tell on themselves ....
@majalovric6920
2 жыл бұрын
Yes they never feel as we do from the start ....
@latikabenz6289
11 ай бұрын
When I was resisting discard, the narcissist said “you re getting difficult, but you re going to trash just as all the others” I think that at some point narcissists are conscious of their disorder.
@perfildemujer3452
6 ай бұрын
Yes, they’re conscious they have chosen distrust and hidden hate. It’s a practiced choice learned from their adults (usually mother or mother’s father) at a very young age.
@redwarrior2424
2 ай бұрын
Yes, they're conscious of their behavior. Because they can turn off Mr. Hyde when they want to make a good impression on someone else besides you.
@stefanbacon5805
Ай бұрын
They know that what they do is wrong, but the why will always elude them. That is why the first two lines of defense are denial then projection.
@jacquelinealvarez3676
2 жыл бұрын
As someone who had a relationship with a narcissist. why some of us tend to forget what they have done and even at times see him as all good again? He has hurt me deeply, I know he has done things I could never forget, I might forgive him but not forget. I know I can't live and share a normal life with someone that has betrayed me and will never trust again. however why do I tend to be polite, don't hate him or have ill feelings towards him. Is like at times I forget what he has done. In order for me to keep him away, I have to consciously remind myself of what he did. Not sure if I'm explaining myself well enough. Why can I just hate him? I wouldn't allow this behavior with anybody else why do I put up with his? The only thing that comes to my mind is that I'm insane as well. I feel stuck because I can't separate myself completely because I always go back thinking that he is nice. Of course he behaves like the most wonderful person in the world, the perfect partner. But I know he can not be trusted as a partner.
@indanhe
Жыл бұрын
This is my experience too
@MissModernprincess
Жыл бұрын
Stockholm syndrome? Loving your abuser, because you loved your mother who also abused you
@kimkaans1072
Жыл бұрын
It's called a trauma bond 😢
@magdalenasuszek7519
7 ай бұрын
I feel exactly the same like you..
@Romg777
6 ай бұрын
La même chose ici
@KristiHolmes-pi9vx
10 ай бұрын
this is why he eventually discarded me because he idolized me as mother then discarded me to be rid of his original bad mother....
@joannaheart8167
5 ай бұрын
My nickname was "nanny". He once admired so much that I was so caring and tender. All of a sudden there came the discard. I didn't expect it. I was devastated. Of course he has mother issues which he didn't mention in the beginning. I don't know what I did wrong. I am trying to deal with the discard.
@Sam-tz7cd
2 жыл бұрын
My bf said I’m exactly like his mother the other day 😂 guess that’s why he doesn’t show me intimacy anymore. This is a great video.
@ivana5240
2 жыл бұрын
Ewwww, that sounds horrible! I hope he's already ex by now.
@auaticamazon
2 жыл бұрын
He told me I was just like his mother. He didnt know me beyond the avatar he created in his head
@Sam-tz7cd
2 жыл бұрын
I’m still with him because I love him. He was my best friend too. He cuddled me, kissed me, slept with me, complimented me and wanted to spend so much time together. Now he won’t even hold my hand. It’s so hard to leave because the beginning is so perfect. Now it’s been 10 months of torture. I’ve told him 20 times I need the affection back because my needs aren’t being met. He does the word salad dance, says it’s my fault and said I hurt him just like his mother did and he doesn’t trust me. Straight out of the narc playbook. I just can’t explain the weakness you feel after they do this to you… thats why it’s so hard to leave. We’re all paying for their mommy issues.
@carolinekamya2339
2 жыл бұрын
@@Sam-tz7cd run!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@ellerock
2 жыл бұрын
Yeah, he said that to me twice... 8 freaking years I've put up with this bullshit, I was too busy working on "our dreams". When we finally got to it, he started getting violent. Not towards me but slamming doors and throwing fists around. He always called me crazy and would explode out of nothing. Thank God there are no kids involved but the business and the house. He'll throw you out the minute he gets all the confort to move on. Last thing he said to me after we build our house on his land was that he felt I wasn't his partner for the last two years. Very convenient!
@Melasande
2 жыл бұрын
The Narcissist is like Peter Pan and every "intimate partner" is his Wendy in Nevernever Land.
@monicasanchez372
2 жыл бұрын
That is a perfect description. That is exactly what it feels like to be in a relationship with them.
@jenniferlast76
Жыл бұрын
That and Tinkerbell she is a false reality like porn and that because Peter pan didn't want to grow up he chose to chase and follow a fairy , instead of having a true relationship with Wendy.
@wendyyielding8826
7 ай бұрын
that is such an amazing way to describe it.
@LaMesaC
6 ай бұрын
I KNEW IT!! " PETER PAN SYNDROME".
@LaMesaC
6 ай бұрын
I KNEW IT!! " PETER PAN SYNDROME".
@haleykuhar5111
2 жыл бұрын
Makes sense. He’s said i wasn’t who he thought i was 😳 I’ve never changed a bit. I just didn’t add up to his “snapshot”
@DarthViper
4 ай бұрын
Yup she said I "changed" when all I did was try to be more loving and understanding
@kerrywheatley295
10 ай бұрын
Thank you Sam. I feel I understand myself now like never before in my lifetime so far seemingly surrounded by narcissists. I'm not broken, I simply needed to understand and heal. Only through such understanding / education can healing begin. Sam you are my greatest teacher so far and I thank you with everything I am and continue to be.
@chrissyuy
Жыл бұрын
In every relationship, my ex had a substitute readily available to replace me. A best friend, a business partner/mentor, a lover, etc. It always felt like I was relegated to the back burner with someone else taking first place. Now I’m beginning to understand why.
@mygirldarby
Жыл бұрын
A lot of selfish people do that, not just narcissists. They become unhappy in a relationship but don't want to be alone or to suffer through a break-up all by themselves, so they get a new lover first and then they leave you with the shock and heartbreak. It's extremely cruel, but very common.
@StellarHeron
Жыл бұрын
So true!!!! Thank you. My ex-narcissist has repeatedly said "I didn't make a mistake when I married you." And then he infers with that that the reason we had to divorce was because of me, definitely not due to any flaws in his ability to choose a partner and certainly not due to any actions on his part that would have contributed to divorce. He must uphold his sense of his eternal inculpability for anything.
@enoch6977
11 ай бұрын
Why is that not part of the core curriculum in every school worldwide. So very much suffering could be avoided with this knowledge prior to getting involved with these sick predators.
@yyc246
6 ай бұрын
Schools and world wants you to be a slave.
@CMG1210900
8 ай бұрын
THANK YOU!!! Your video actually put me at ease and I couldn feel the physical and mental tension lessening. I actually smiled. It's not ME. And I am currently about 5 days into no contact. I have value. I am flawed like everyone else but I love MYSELF. I can't fix someone's broken brain. I can only resolve to walk away and learn from the experience while taking solace in the fact I am the one who caught on to the shared fantasy and discarded him. Once again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I'm going to live my best life now.
@Danger_mouse12
2 жыл бұрын
Wow. I’ve listened to more videos than I would like to admit to about narcissism. Thank you!! This video made me see things so much clearer.
@unamel4282
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us mr.Vaknin ! I was abused since childhood and then i have been married for 7 years with a veryyy abusive person . I was destroyed on so many levels that it felt like slow dying , i didn't even have strength for talking anymore . Now i'm divorced for almost 2 years and i haven't been able to afford medical help for me but then i found out for your chanel , you are helping me a lot , THANK YOU ! Greetings from Bosnia 💙
@unamel4282
2 жыл бұрын
@@SM-gx3ho thanks for support , stay strong !
@godsgotme5650
2 жыл бұрын
Stay strong! Keep learning and growing on this channel. You’ll be alright.
@unamel4282
Жыл бұрын
@@frostymossdivination thanks ☺️
@unamel4282
Жыл бұрын
@@godsgotme5650 ☺️
@geraldinereid642
Жыл бұрын
Td7
@rosethornil
Жыл бұрын
The worst part is knowing that I am being slandered to friends and his family. That has cost me some anguish. Especially in light of the immense amount of emotional and spiritual energy that I put into this relationship. And so many prayers.
@lorrenecoe2267
2 жыл бұрын
This explains the hoovering, the re-idealisation after a physical discard. I asked my narcissist partner to leave after having enough of the drama, gaslighting, selfish and emotional less interactions and constant disrespect in our relationship. Sam, you explained so well why I felt like his mother figure. She too was narcissistic and gaslight her son from a young age. He too was the scapegoat in the family. He is emotionally attached his mother and not in a good way. He made life difficult and I ended up having to discard him. After three months came the first hoover. It triggered my feelings which I know was the trauma bond I had with him. But, I realise now from your video, he tried to re-idealise me because of loneliness or lack of ideal intimate partners. The kicker is he tried to create a situation - a celebration event - whereby he would idealise me into reality so he could idealise himself. But, I didn’t buy into his game (we were over) and this in turn caused rage, narcissistic injury and so began the devaluation again. And, as you described, I believe he has mortified my avatar in his mind and projected and blamed me for his failings in his last message to me on social media blaming me for something that was his responsibility then calling me a bad person then he blocked me. The games they play are cowardly. I’m hoping this is the end and I never have to be triggered by this person ever again. I am giving myself all the love and empathy now that, once upon was feeding the narcissist, like feeding a baby, but no more…
@antoniovillani8692
Жыл бұрын
…i lived the same experience. World by world .
@izabudz2365
Жыл бұрын
Like many of us I'm from the same club....disgusted by how predictable they are....poor people....I still didn't complete my grieve...all this other's life stories help a bit to stop "dreaming" and wake up to reality WITHOUT narc.
@lisalawtonlyons
Жыл бұрын
Yeah, me too, after 18yrs of marriage but it’s a tough road to heal on.
@lorrenecoe2267
Жыл бұрын
@@lisalawtonlyons I’m happy that you are free. The path is a hard one but can’t be any worse than living with a narcissistic vampire ! Revive, strive and thrive that’s our next mission in life. I wish you all the very best 🙏🏻🌺
@elenamiklos7696
Жыл бұрын
Well explained,thank you
@aclaire4275
Жыл бұрын
No wonder they are such deeply troubled unhappy people. I would hate to live with that in my mind it must be complete torment. Feel sorry for them. Such a brilliant insight thank you.
@ZinziNhleko-vk9yj
Жыл бұрын
This kind of abuse creates such a mess mentally within me. Your videos help me clean-up. Clear the mess and put things in their place. Thank you for making sense of this very sick abuse
@pianoflamencoband6251
3 ай бұрын
Brilliant lecture! So in narcissist's mind should be a "cemetery" of discarded ex partners. The one thing I want to know deeper: why the narcissist can't separate, devaluate, get rid of his REAL mother? Very often they consider real mother all good, despite everything she had done to him. And they even refuse to accept that she had done all this things, it looks like they flee from this discussion or become agressive towards the partners, not towards the real monster.
@samvaknin
3 ай бұрын
They have failed with the real mother. Why would they try again?
@sonjakaszubowski1071
Жыл бұрын
Wow, this totally explains it. I have been living this nightmare and now I totally understand why it always felt like a rollercoaster. Makes perfect sense. I thought I was going crazy, finally getting out, but it’s difficult, because he doesn’t want to accept it.
@sivannatalie
2 жыл бұрын
Hi professor Vaknin, I’ve watched many of your videos, they’re quite addictive. I don’t think I’ve seen this addressed yet, maybe it’s not relevant, but I am curious: When the narcissist re-idealizes the partner, is the re-idealized image the same as the original idealized image, or does he make adjustments, possibly in an attempt to “get it right” this time around? For example, if the narcissist had learned the first time around that the partner spends too much on interior decor, and it was previously something that bothered him, can he adjust for that by reframing it, telling himself “she spends too much sometimes because she has a vision that she’s dedicated to realizing”? Side note: My mom is Israeli and her maiden name is Vaknin. Her father’s name was Marcos Vakinin. He’s was Moroccan/Jewish like you. Maybe we’re related.
@samvaknin
2 жыл бұрын
The partner is frozen and immutable in his mind, so he just replays the previous dynamics. Of course, he can make minor adjustments to the snapshot - but only very minor and inconsequential.
@Dan__S
5 ай бұрын
Thank you. This explains nearly everything I've gone through over the last twelve years and didn't understand what was going on.
@johan416
2 жыл бұрын
Hi Sam, can you make a video on what happens when a borderline and a narcissist divorce?
@xRaverxBabyx
2 жыл бұрын
I’m so grateful for you, your work and your commitment to sharing your expert knowledge on this topic. I don’t know where I’d be had I not discovered your channel. Thank you.
@claudiorosenberg4581
2 жыл бұрын
Every time i watch your videos i feel that my life experience is being X-ray, as a result i can see more and more details, sometimes is depressing
@greent1864
2 жыл бұрын
Super clear. I could even follow this along whilst thinking of my own situation and pinpoint exactly the stage it is now stuck at. Its amazing for me to see it so simply when for years have been in a state of utter confusion every day. Wow I really appreciate this video.
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