In conflict my DA gets angry, blows up, leaves and then comes back like nothing happened acting nice.
@Mermaid03_03
8 ай бұрын
So accurate. I’m an FA so it’s been both of us doing this for the last 2/3 years. The trust breaks down from this over time.
@roshalllambert
8 ай бұрын
I would love a video describing the difference between DA and FA distancing!! Thais has explained this very accurately!!
@ntqueen718
8 ай бұрын
yes, please! and thank you for the work you do and share, Thais!
@lea.r4167
8 ай бұрын
But doesn’t seem like because they are always read and willing to pull away that they have all the power in the relationship? Even if it’s not done with ill intent, that kind of power dynamic can’t be good. I often hear this word of ‘unsafe conflict’ but pulling away for extended periods of time (ex a week) and not stating boundaries as a reaction to conflict makes it unsafe for the other party does it not? It’s showing that their ‘discomfort’ is more important than their partners. Does anyone else agree? It’s like how being labeled as needy seems to carry a huge stigma while neglectful is almost laughable?
@imanijx
8 ай бұрын
Fully agree, there's usually a power imbalance esp if the other person is AP! So we have to take our power back and self-soothe to rebalance the dynamic.
@Musicheadmantha
8 ай бұрын
I agree
@ntqueen718
8 ай бұрын
i agree that the power dynamic is imbalanced, if they’re ready to run at any moment. my current situation reflects this perfectly… i have a DA(primary style)/FA(secondary style) who decided she no longer wanted me in her life as she was frustrated with me wanting us to discuss the gray space we had been navigating. so she broke up with me, and pretty harshly i might add. we went no contact, and now 5 months later she is texting me casually and has suggested we meet up for brunch to catch up. i’m really nervous about this whole reconnection because i feel like i’m going to be walking on eggshells to not trigger her into dismissing me from her life again. especially as it feels inauthentic to pretend that she didn’t hurt me in the way she broke up with me five months ago. as well as pretending like i’m honky dory with building a friendship when i don’t know if she should have access to me anymore after the hurtful way i feel i was treated. i would at least need an apology. which would warrant a dialogue that may shut her down again. where’s my power in any of this?
@UnacceptableTee
8 ай бұрын
@@ntqueen718not meeting up with her.
@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme
8 ай бұрын
You have to focus less on them and more on your own attachment style and healing. That's the key. Once you start the process, unhealthy behaviors are going to be less and less attractive/acceptable to you. You will better learn to navigate through conflict and show up better in the relationship. I mean, the only way people have power over us is if we give them that power. Don't. Figure out your boundaries and non-negotiables and see if they align with the dynamic currently. If you feel it's worth saving then have the conversation. Your newfound confidence will shine through and and you will be able to sit upright and speak your mind in a healthy way. Bottom line, heal yourself. Yes there are some truths to what you're saying, but if you feel like they are making it all about them, then stop making it all about them. Make it about you too. ❤
@JacobCarlson-uq1my
8 ай бұрын
I like how you catch yourself using a word like violating & correct it in a way, describing it softly, that's not a surprise coming from you but I just enjoy so much listening to people that are positive and thoughtful like that.
@LaurensLifePhotoJournal
8 ай бұрын
I agree 💯!! I trust Thais as my teacher and pray I can have the insight and compassion she has for people.
@JacobCarlson-uq1my
8 ай бұрын
@@LaurensLifePhotoJournal Nice, I agree with you as well! Great teacher
@PeterRabbit53
8 ай бұрын
Very helpful, as always, as my wife of 6 years is DA. The word you were searching for in point #2 rather than of "violation" might be 'encroachment.'
@ashton1952
7 ай бұрын
Or invasive
@mariedropkin59
8 ай бұрын
How about explaining how a Secure person feels when dealing with a DA? It’s NOT easy for us to understand why they act like this! Or do all Secures become anxiously attached if involved with DAs?
@cupcake0480
8 ай бұрын
I definitely became more anxiously attached (I’d never had this happen in any other relationship, I think I’m secure maybe leaning towards avoidant) after being with him for 10 years. I ended up feeling responsible for every single time he stonewalled or went silent on me. For a while, I’d apologise and he’d suggest I explained why I was wrong, he liked that. It fed into his need for taking no responsibility for any of it. This was over incidents like me asking him to let me know if he couldn’t make a pre-arranged date. He would reply with ‘Oh, it sounds like you have an expectation of me’, he wasn’t happy about that. I felt he managed down all my simple requests. In the end i found he’d been cheating for years and lying and being horribly deceptive. He was like a petulant kidult, with some times when he could be quite nice and fun. I was career minded and had lots of hobbies so I always filled my own cup without needing him as such. But, yeah… I definitely became anxious and strived to make it work as he was subtly telling me it was my fault and I was being diligent about my own behaviour to fix anything that might be seen as wrong. None of that was enough. He constantly moved the goal posts. I should add that this anxiety caused an autoimmune disease to become worse. Since leaving him, it’s gone into remission and for now, I’m well again.
@AmericanDreamer
7 ай бұрын
I second this inquiry!!! It would be super useful! 🙌💯❗
@ashton1952
7 ай бұрын
Because we don't want to scream in our partner's face in the moment; so it's better to calm down first, so we do this to get a grip. A secure attached person would probably only involved with a DA who is part secure. But I don't know enough to say for sure.
@SlapBattlesOfficial1
6 ай бұрын
I'm secure but was initially pulled very anxious until I educated myself on him being a DA. Currently, if something is bothering me, I bring it up in a neutral way, telling him how I feel and also understand where he may be coming from. But since he gets quiet when he's stressed, I remind him that I just need clarification on whatever is going on, etc. I'm gentle I guess with him like that. He is quite good at reassuring me now but that wasn't always the case. I think with a DA you need to build up trust so they don't get scared. They need to know that conflict isn't scary but actually healthy in loving relationships. I've tried to model healthy relationship habits and little by little he's mirroring these habits. But boy oh boy it took me a lot of work and trial and tribulation to get there!! However, he's the most wonderful and loving man I've ever met. I think under all this "stuff," DA's have an incredible amount of love to give. But even with secures, it can be a roller coaster ride!
@SlapBattlesOfficial1
6 ай бұрын
I want to add that when he was pushing me into anxiety, I was afraid of pushing the envelope with him. I learned if I spoke about an emotion or had an issue with something he'd stonewall me. Then I finally had enough and told him if he did that to me one more time, I was going to walk away from him.
@dustincarter8959
8 ай бұрын
Instead of space being “violated” maybe you mean “encroached”. I feel alignment with a lot of your videos in regards to a D.A.
@staceydickey1318
8 ай бұрын
I’m really enjoying all the DA content. As someone who leans more anxious I find myself with those partners a lot and this is really helpful in navigating those relationships.
@sifublack192
8 ай бұрын
I always thought the shut down/stonewalling had more to do with not wanting to be reactive more than it was about not wanting to feel feelings. I always took time to breathe, particularly when dealing with APs who have a tendency to be reactive and pick fights. 🤷🏿♂️
@Musicheadmantha
8 ай бұрын
Not wanting to react to certain feelings causes you to try to avoid feeling them
@sifublack192
8 ай бұрын
@@Musicheadmantha being reactive and not reacting are two different things. It's the difference between lashing out irrationally vs addressing the issue in a calm manner.
@Musicheadmantha
8 ай бұрын
Absolutely. But did you understand what I was trying to say?
@sifublack192
8 ай бұрын
@@Musicheadmantha yes I did. My point was that was talking about something else entirely.
@Musicheadmantha
8 ай бұрын
Gotcha
@adinubila
8 ай бұрын
this has helped tremendously
@nicolep-m9y
8 ай бұрын
Thank you for such a helpful content.
@keishahawkins9694
7 ай бұрын
What's the timeline for the 4 different stages they go through? I'm anxiously attached and learning....
@Greeneyes77773
8 ай бұрын
If only you seen this John 🙄
@thihuynh5771
2 ай бұрын
Hope you sort it out with your John
@rachhhh9722
8 ай бұрын
Can they do this with things that arent fights ? When i told my ex i was pregnant ( planned ) he didnt say a word and would barely speak about it and it felt like he was just ignoring the while situation hoping it would go away. I always thought he was unhappy and didnt really want us around but sometimes i wondet if it was a fear thing.
@PaigeYesLee
8 ай бұрын
Thank You Thais 😊🙏
@tucky3191
8 ай бұрын
Sooooo helpful
@rma2277
8 ай бұрын
Please help. What if I accidentally violated the DA during their Distancing phase by trying to reach out too soon? Is this still salveragable, will the DA be able to go into Recovery & Connection or have I sabotaged this unintentionally? How long would it take for them to reconnect, if this is still possible?
@LaurensLifePhotoJournal
8 ай бұрын
Good question. I have fretted about the same. After a year and a half of being broken up and small connections here and there I’ve accepted who I am. Through taking classes at PDS and recognizing my worth and love that God says I have from HIM my heartbreak has been healed and I will trust now. Trust that if it’s meant to be it will be. And now I go forward with my life in peace still loving him but loving myself more and loving God most.. If he gets help and recognizes what his life is like then and wants to try again I’ll be waiting. If not, then I still have the life God gave me which I love. I have compassion for hjm.
@sharonsherry7554
7 ай бұрын
Iv always been the obe to contact him its a total waste of time unless their willing to work on themselves im a very kind patient person but eventually you can olny take so much of this selfish self centered behaviour
@ShaunaBass
8 ай бұрын
Another question, in the distancing phase do they often leave the other person feeling unimportant to the DA?
@nipitinthebud4343
8 ай бұрын
My unconscient DA friend (or kind of crush, though he will downplay and never admit that in words, but his actions speak of commitment and worry to lose me, and such - and I am the girl everyone said that he is like fire and ice with. We annoyed us to the blood that many people told us why we even keep fighting for this. Yet funnily, he and me became wonderful friends, not harmonious maybe, but reliable to each other, while all those telling us to give up on each other vanished from our lives. Anyway in the first years when we had big conflicts he would block me for nearly an entire year. And I mean freeze me out, by removing all contact. I admit I made the error to reach out too much back then. I did not realize he was DA back then, this realization only came a year ago, since I knew his SO and her descriptions (Sociopath, border line,..) just did not match at all the way I knew him in the detail. They were just not congruent. While DA is a 100% hit in his whole behaviour towards me. That's why I also assumed there was a crush existent, as it is a recurrent topic, and his emotionality and deactivation patterns hint the struggle to "watch from afar" while cursing reality of our lifes. The closer we got though the less hurtful he became. He also worked harder to make me feel safe and mend my scars, which his silence had left. Recently we fought again. Now we are at day 10 of him blocking me. He has neither read my message on the channel I can write him (I kept it limited, knowing how much he goes crazy over my books by now), but I see him checking my status updates this time. And he does that knowing that I know he checked them. Means we both were always hypervigilant about each other. Saw changes of patterns and all. And if he does that, I know that he sends me a virtual hug that way. To give me comfort, while he can't talk yet about what happened. And he also before blocking promised to be back and talk. So in my friend's case it made a big difference how important I was to him, how he would treat me.
@ShaunaBass
8 ай бұрын
@@nipitinthebud4343 I'm so sorry that your friend put you through that. You did the right thing, doing what's best for you takes a lot of strength. Proud of you.
@suzannehosein1959
8 ай бұрын
How would you know when its the right time to speak to the DA after they pull away. Its been 4 mths now but he is slowly coming back to speak with me. I havent brought up the relationship at all we just talk about general things for now. I am wondering if I should approach things now. Pls advise
@Xtine72
8 ай бұрын
Following to hear advice. I feel the same way. Don’t want to accidentally violate the boundaries but also want to open a dialogue. So confusing.
@UnacceptableTee
8 ай бұрын
Sounds like walking on eggshells. There’s boundaries and respect but 4 months???
@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme
8 ай бұрын
Honestly, yes. I know sometimes it's advised to wait until you guys are at a good place, but for me, that waiting became indefinite because when things we going great again, I didn't want to stir the pot and make it uncomfortable. No matter how I approached things, even sensitively, he would shut down. The last time my ex came around, I pretty much told him I want to get the hard stuff over with. We talked and realized we weren't on the same page and agreed to be friends. Had I not said anything, like before, we would have ended up in another 4 to 6 month situationship until the next thing happened. Yes I missed him and wanted him back, but with all the healing I'm doing thru PDS, I couldn't risk being set back because in his words "he likes himself just the way he is and he's not going to change". I can't be with someone who I can't communicate with. So personally before you get too deep back into it, I would have a conversation. Thais offers free 7 day courses. You can find some great scripts and practice with the other members in the live webinars if you need to. ❤
@letsgooooooo111
8 ай бұрын
You deserve better than to be stonewalled for 4 months.
@Laura_Ribas
8 ай бұрын
Don’t wait for them!! 4 months!! 🤯 After a fight i’d be expecting to talk the next day.
@rachhhh9722
8 ай бұрын
If it's used for power and control purposes stonewalling is a super effective tactic to get your way and avoid being held accountable for things . Id never even considered doing it because my default was always to discuss things or apologise if I'm wrong . Then I learned the hard way from having it done to me long term
@chrismaxwell1624
8 ай бұрын
Isn't that "If this doesn't work out, I'll be ok" more a secure attachments. So is that more of justification they don't believe that is used avoid the relationship and uncomfortable emotions. For me it's true, I wll be ok, and I'll go into the conversation with out fear and have the hard conversation, as best I can. Accepting my uncomfortable emotions.
@letsgooooooo111
8 ай бұрын
This is why DAs mostly think they are secure. They everything to sabotage the relationship then when the other person is finally fed up they then convince themselves that they'll be fine no matter what. By your own hands you destroy your connections then decide that you'll be fine after. Leaving yourself and the other person in extreme pain.
@ashton1952
7 ай бұрын
It's probably for secure too; here it's to highlight a key diffs between DA and FA. This is a typical DA, we stay calm and take some space to resolve the storm in our head, so we can return calmly. An FA, in my experience, flies off the handle.
@JustMeAndMyBoy
8 ай бұрын
Thais u make me feel sorry for them so I reached out, and I probably shouldn’t have! 27 days later they responded but not to a question about our relationship! How long do we wait?
@JustMeAndMyBoy
8 ай бұрын
Sorry to clarify, he responded three hours later same day to my text, but I had waited 27 days “no contact“ to reach out to him.
@mockavel213
8 ай бұрын
@@JustMeAndMyBoydont start talking about relationship, keep it light
@adamwood87
8 ай бұрын
that's not how no contact works; it's not 27 days, it's not 30 days or 31 days, it's however long it takes for them to reach out to you. whoever told you it's a waiting game, sold you a lie. i recommend Craig Kenneth's videos on how NC actually works.
@ashton1952
7 ай бұрын
If you're counting the days it's because you're trying to control the situation and it's not possible to do that. Just let go, don't wear yourself out with that. Allow them make their own effort to come back when they're ready and you live your life, work on your own healing in the meanwhile. DA's don't like to be controlled it makes it harder for our trust to grow. My ex husband used to control my entire life, like reading all my emails and following me to work meetings to prevent any male co-workers from talking to me. Takes some time for me to check a potential partner now that he's not gonna be like that too.
@JustMeAndMyBoy
7 ай бұрын
@@ashton1952 Makes sense however, I know for a fact that he would count the days before I reach out to him. He recited the numbers to me.
@ShaunaBass
8 ай бұрын
What happens when a DA meets someone and connects with them when it’s primal love/visceral love or that soul connection not a twin flame or karmic- but the regular one? Do they run away ?
@mockavel213
8 ай бұрын
Yea, they always find a reason to run away over and over unless they work on their trauma issues/reactions
@UnacceptableTee
8 ай бұрын
@@mockavel213agreed. Mine would bait me for an argument; so he could run.
@ShaunaBass
8 ай бұрын
@@mockavel213 got it so was that primal or visceral connection concept or just overall?
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