They inflict pain then provide “relief”. Rinse. Repeat. Daily, hourly, etc.
@AlwaysStampinVideos
Жыл бұрын
Well said. Villain and hero all wrapped up in one. Which is actually just a villain.
@1286cassandra
Жыл бұрын
Agree on this. Just did not see it til now. Provoke pain and then get to swoop in to rescue.
@kristenmarie9248
Жыл бұрын
I call it the Ease, and Squeeze. Politicians are also really good at it too.
@annking8633
Жыл бұрын
Well said.
@annking8633
Жыл бұрын
@@kristenmarie9248 that's perfect. 💯
@NancyNNash
Жыл бұрын
It's so humiliating when you were so strong and Independent and then you find yourself fighting for the strength to escape the Narcissistic Abuse. You look in the mirror Nad say How did I get here ? 😪
@fredfischer9359
Жыл бұрын
Made it out. Good luck
@sage9836
Жыл бұрын
There are good videos about how it's like leaving a cult.
@MelissaDaughterOfTheKing
Жыл бұрын
That's me, sadly. I don't even recognize the joyful, confident, exuberant, independent person I used to be.
@KoolT
Жыл бұрын
Because THEY TRICKED US.
@wordswordswords8203
Жыл бұрын
Yeah. It's kind of insidious, isn't it?
@siriastridkristensen4272
Жыл бұрын
Feels like owning, erasing, depriving, punishing, pushing pushing pushing, neglecting, blackmailing, painful hurtful unsafe and damaging. S🌟
@bobtaylor170
Жыл бұрын
Punishing is the key to it, if my experience is any measure.
@panoplia5167
Жыл бұрын
Every word is True!
@natinamack5123
Жыл бұрын
That's exactly what it is and it is just that painful.
@wordswordswords8203
Жыл бұрын
very good summary.
@bobtaylor170
Жыл бұрын
I think maybe "owning" is the most pertinent word. If a narc owns someone, he can do everything from socially humiliate to murder the victim. Ted Bundy said that when he killed a woman, he felt like God.
@bhhNC
Жыл бұрын
Hi, Dr Les. Last week, after 60 years of listening to my 91 year old father berate me about what a troublesome child/teen I was, I told him that he needed "to find a way to forgive that abused child of a mean alcoholic before it's too late", and that I was done with his trashing; before hanging up. I expected to feel shame, but I don't. Maybe the next few decades won't hurt so much.
@faa1412
Жыл бұрын
"to find a way to forgive that abused child of a mean alcoholic before it's too late"" Were you referring to how your father was treated as a child? If that's the case, then yeah he basically projected his whole childhood onto you.
@Ruby-if4jf
Жыл бұрын
Well done.I'm 61 and that takes courage- so very painful when it's been your life.
@bhhNC
Жыл бұрын
@@MCat-yv3hl Thanks.
@bhhNC
Жыл бұрын
@@faa1412 Could be. 'Family Duty' keeps the previous generation guarded about honest remembering stuff that did happen. My grandfather was wonderful to me, but may have been a self-absorbed brute to his kids back in the 1940's. Who knows. It's hard to be in a play when no one else will look at the script.
@bhhNC
Жыл бұрын
@@Ruby-if4jf Thanks.
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
In my case. They told me something about themselves in order for me to spill the beans about myself. The gaslighting caused me to over share which was collected as data and used against me at regular intervals in order to weaken the spirit and confuse reality. Then, it took me longer to realise that enough was enough. Then, any moral support they had given me kept me bonded and every time I tried to end the relationship I was guilt tripped. At the time it was exhausting!
@istateyourname4710
Жыл бұрын
It's such insidious behavior that a normal person cannot see until they're on the outside looking in. I learned the hard way to suspend my tendency to do this, so I suspended who I was, essentially.
@tbunnyshy1
Жыл бұрын
I hear you. It has been a long battle since 5 years old. I’m glad you see things for what they really are. ❤
@sage9836
Жыл бұрын
Congrats on spotting it!
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
@@sage9836 I wish I didn't have to!
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
@@tbunnyshy1 It's a lifetime!
@colleenshea2293
Жыл бұрын
A narcissist is incapable of friendship.
@Cowface
Жыл бұрын
It’s so upsetting to find out your partner needs fighting in order to bond. It’s how they feel safe, they know their partner is “willing to fight for the relationship”. They will pick fights to be reassured that this is true.
@ohaiyoashchan
Жыл бұрын
1000% this, it's absolute insanity to live through every day
@brittanyalonge
Жыл бұрын
I second this.
@DesertlizzyThe
Жыл бұрын
SAD. DON'T FIGHT. WALK AWAY
@Barb-iu3el
Жыл бұрын
The scales started to fall from my eyes after 15 years of marriage. He told me " I never promised you anything when we got married " And you know what, he was right, that statement was the most truthful thing he ever uttered. I was the only one working on a relationship that was never ever going to be "normal" He promised me nothing, and 15 years later that's exactly what I had. Anything I did have going into the relationship was gone, used up, including who I was; my time; my energy; my resources; my credit; my sense of right and wrong; my health; There was not a part of me that he had not exploited.
@makesnodifference
Жыл бұрын
He had his finger behind his back when he said his vows. These people are such garbage.
@jmj5388
Жыл бұрын
“Nothing” sounds like a great alternative to the bill of goods I have been sold by the narcs in my life.
@wordswordswords8203
Жыл бұрын
One of the easiest ways to spot a narcissist or a toxic person is if they show very little to no interest in you. They might start out acting somewhat interested but it's superficial or they only do it when other people are around to make themselves look good. But if you start to spend any amount of significant time with someone and they don't ask how you are or show interest in your life or how you feel, etc. you are probably dealing with a narcissist. Sometimes this is glaringly obvious right away but sometimes it takes some time to see this trait in them. For God's sake, don't get involved with these people. It will only bring you pain and suffering. Stay safe out there. W
@Elizabeth-yg2mg
Жыл бұрын
That's right--they aren't interested. They're also emotionally immature, like third grade level, don't self reflect, have a hard time learning and always have to be superior. I need to weed them out sooner.
@jenniferdavis5929
Жыл бұрын
But I am already in quick sand
@wordswordswords8203
Жыл бұрын
@@jenniferdavis5929 Well it's good you know what you are dealing with. I'm not sure in your particular situation how to deal with it. I have always done cut off if possible, and if not that, as low contact as possible. If you have to interact with them, try not to take their bait. They live in a different world than we do so you can never expect them to be "normal". One thing that's helped me is to see them as a toddler or a baby and interact with them with that in mind. That's about the level they're at. Be very firm and calm and keep it very short and factual. They are really very weak and confused people although they like to pretend that they're not. You can never really "win" a fight with a narcissist but you can manage your own response to their behavior, and you don't have to respond to them right away if they come at you with something. You can say, I need some time to think about that or just walk away if you can. They feed off your reaction and your emotion. Try not to give it to them and make a long-term exit plan. You are in control. Not them. Good luck.
@dianaverano7878
Жыл бұрын
They are not CONCERNED with you in a DEEPER way. Narcissist nowadays can LEARN to ask a question " how are you" But they are not TRULY there in a deeper way to relate to you or anybody. They only love themselves. Only thru youtube videos that I am educated. I am surprised by the day, the types of people I WAS DEALING WITH And WHY I CLASHED with them.
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
@@dianaverano7878 very true 👍
@tmo.48
Жыл бұрын
The sweet little dog curled up wondering why all these humans have such troubles and sorrow. He is trying to show us the thing to do.....just chill and take it easy. I love the little Gus.
@secondhorizon
Жыл бұрын
Undercover Psychological Sadism
@tbunnyshy1
Жыл бұрын
Absolutely
@morningglory3681
Жыл бұрын
I agree
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
Yep!
@Armygirl4Christ
Жыл бұрын
Well said! And so very frightening!
@amandaroberts5111
Жыл бұрын
But once you have them sussed it is game over, they are cowards and bullys
@BarbDixon3545
Жыл бұрын
Well, we’re on to them now. So be happy alone. All is Lost but our peace and quiet.
@KoolT
Жыл бұрын
You shouldn't be embarrassed for being TRICKED. 🤯😱😬
@cowan2881
Жыл бұрын
What I have come to understand is that the narcissist want you to take on there demons.
@marieldavison5121
Жыл бұрын
Yes and without consent given.
@skinnyway
Жыл бұрын
trying to be the hero... I can remember doing this for everyone I know after becoming an adult. My empathy got me into so much drama that wasnt even mine when I was younger. people will use a caring person until there's nothing left. You have to learn how and when to shut it down - your empathy - and who to allow your feels to hurt for.
@denicehaley9902
Жыл бұрын
So true, so hard, so necessary for Empaths!
@tbunnyshy1
Жыл бұрын
Exactly. Very well said. ❤️
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
❤🙏
@angelamwatts
Жыл бұрын
Excellent presentation. The word that says it all on what a relationship with a narcissist is, it's a "transaction". Once you have no use to a narcissist, you're discarded.
@charmee4045
Жыл бұрын
Two years out still feeling the aftershocks but every day of silence brings me closer to myself. Lots of lessons learned. When someone plays the victim and never takes accountability for anything, huge red flag.
@Nancy-yw1rr
Жыл бұрын
True bonding with a narcissist is impossible, and bonding with others after decades of narcissistic abuse is difficult.
@SteeleMagnolia
Жыл бұрын
Trust in others is a huge thing to regain, and not just in a future partner. I wished that I would have listened to my gut, and the red flags, when I went into the second narcissistic relationship.
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
True 👍
@LightBeing369
Жыл бұрын
Sad but so very true
@Elizabeth-yg2mg
Жыл бұрын
This perfectly describes the dynamics. It's taking me a long time to get over having been duped, though. It's hard to accept that people do these things to people they should care about.
@christanatwork
Жыл бұрын
When I was young I was told this story of a cruel experiment done on certain unfortunate people to see their behaviour in cold room. Apparently, these folks were stripped and left in a room where all the surfaces were freezing cold. Left long enough, apparently the victims would all adopt the same posture in response to the cold surfaces - they would be found very uncomfortably balanced on three points - two fists and the forehead. It was said that this minimized the effects of the cold because these three body parts were the least sensitive to the cold. Many years into a marriage with a narcissist, I realized I was that same person, in the emotionally cold and tormenting room, finding my equilibrium balanced in an utmost uncomfortable psychological posture to minimize the pain being brought on by her. I just could not be myself, could not relax or adopt any comfortable posture and had to contort my life in very abnormal and difficult ways in order to continue to sustain being “in this room”, this relationship with the narcissist, with the least pain possible. I wasn’t just walking on eggshells. I was a twisted, tortured soul that had adapted around a controlling and manipulative person. It wasn’t about finding pleasure in a relationship, but trying to keep pain to the least by living a very limited, distorted and controlled life. How many of you share similar experiences?
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
Wow. Never thought of it this way but it makes so much sense. Thank you for this ans take care 🙏
@ohaiyoashchan
Жыл бұрын
this is eye-opening! i know exactly what you mean
@makesnodifference
Жыл бұрын
I hugged another man to get warm. FANTASTIC post.
@Hatbox948
Жыл бұрын
I'm there now. Hopefully I can move out next week. I just can't handle anymore.
@aaronkwolfe
Жыл бұрын
I’m still in understanding mode. I thought the bonding was positive & bi-directional all along, until the devaluing/discard began (and finally ended). Maybe it was just a covert thing: keeping up appearances, mirroring, etc., it certainly didn’t end up that way. Hoping that the positive bonding (from my side) actually prevented the devalue/discard for as long as it did. But narcissistic entropy reigned. My “list of wrongs” real or imagined , grew to be a burden neither of us could fully bear. And therein lies the toxicity.
@SurvivingNarcissism
Жыл бұрын
You get it, Aaron.
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
It shows how they can shatter your illusions 🙏
@getyourpaper6sdown37
Жыл бұрын
Be strong brother 💪 🙏
@KoolT
Жыл бұрын
Just tell them to bite it. Oops. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
@Armygirl4Christ
Жыл бұрын
So painful and I’m so glad you are free of that circus/nightmare.
@Z3ROTH3RT33N
Жыл бұрын
My experience has been narcissists collect utilities. They will be nice as pie as long as you provide a service in their life. i.e. you are a good worker, provide health insurance, cook for them, make them look good by association... they can be absolutely diabolical this way.
@jenniferdavis5929
Жыл бұрын
I so feel that nice as pie explanation :(
@dianaverano7878
Жыл бұрын
Yes. True that. And also: they will be nice to you when they can manipulate you. Narcissist control people. Own people. Manipulate people to be on their side. Angry people There is always manipulation with narcissist. How to they control? 1.control your time. ( they want to hang out with you all the time that is no longer healthy) 2.control your opinions/choices. You should always say yes If you have a SLIGHT DIFFERENCE with their opinion or choice, they will fight you Because they want to feel superior to you 3. Feel they OWN you They are willing to pay + treat you materially & financially as long as you are " following their conditions 4. Fake generosity & can not accept help. They hate it if you help them with advice because it means they are inferior & weak. They help you out because they feel superior to you. You are a person that should always say yes to them because they have been generous to you. I wish I have learned these narcissistic traits long before. Only youtube educates me now so I could stay away from these people now.
@jacquelinefroehle5868
Жыл бұрын
Be their slave, maid, fix all the mistakes and bad decisions they make, have a large bank account so you can buy them cars and houses. Be willing to baby sit any time. When they take on a big project....your job is to do the dirt work. After you do all those things for them....they take credit and make up lies to degrade you.
@bkpsly1
Жыл бұрын
This is a great way to explain their struggles (or complete inability) with healthy attachment! It so sad, because they hurt so many people with this style of bonding, and it just ends up hurting them too, as they often end up alone. Thanks Dr. C!!
@TVindustries5000
Жыл бұрын
its a vicious cycle. I would often try to figure out what made my npd step mom act the way she did. I would explain it to myself as "she loves her family so much that she hates them". I would see her yell and have fights with her daughter (her son and me were the same age) and wonder why they thought it was normal to be that way and trear people you supposedly love so awfully over the most mundane of problems. I wondered why she would tell me she loved me and then would treat me so badly and make me feel so bad about myself when I wanted so hard to love her and be accepted by her and tried my best to avoid getting in trouble with her. I never yelled or spoke against her and it did nothing to quell her frustrations with me. I felt she treated me worse even
@oceanaoushn8803
Жыл бұрын
@@TVindustries5000 this videos finally sums it up for all of us; It is not about us...because of something we do or do not. Those people have their basic settings:/
@DesertlizzyThe
Жыл бұрын
Yep. They just don't SEE IT. Don't GET IT. I often wonder ( no more), Are they blind & stupid or just acting naive. I think one I know is a complete idiot
@mday3821
Жыл бұрын
I never knew I was my mother's scapegoat until I moved in with her to care for her. The last two years of her life; plus everything I found out after she passed, I have come to figure out she blamed me for being borne. Now, I have no idea what to do with it or the anger. I don't want to be a hateful & resentful person because I wasn't that way before. I'm just trying to figure out how to be me again...I remind myself "Dr. C says, "It has nothing to do with you. You're just the person who was on the stage with them." This helps a lot. But I'm still angry. But it's so hard. Thank you, Dr. C.
@rahrahrobbbieee
Жыл бұрын
So with you on this. Peace.
@Theowlhawk
Жыл бұрын
It's righteous anger! How you were played, mistreated, unaware! I found self forgiveness helps, acceptance and the more I know myself all my parts of me, it's an ongoing process, journey. Jounaling helps me. Much love ❤
@mday3821
Жыл бұрын
@@Theowlhawk Thank you. I do journal, but having a hard time with the self forgiveness. Much love back.🩵
@lindsayp9691
Жыл бұрын
I literally don’t know what I would do without your videos. The narcissists in my life text and call me and I run to the video that keeps me from going off the edge. You need to know how much you help.
@theyellowshoe
Жыл бұрын
Like I've said, (many times) everybody has their sad sob story. I don't/didn't want to put my crap on someone else's plate. But even though I have my issues I don't want anyone to "fix" me, that's for myself to work on. So even though I'm broken I still want to be able to connect, I'm willing to listen to the venting of someone, not to fix them, just to be there for that person, just like I want someone to listen to me vent. Thanks everyone. 😁
@SteeleMagnolia
Жыл бұрын
Exactly! Your words mirror my own, in that I don't want to be seen as a victim, even though I am. I've limited my contact with so many, because I don't want to "put my crap" on their plates. I'm a survivor, and I refuse to be rescued or pitied. Self-respect is something I've managed to hang onto, despite the pure hell that I've experienced at the hands of two narcissistic husbands.
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
Well said 🙏
@ohaiyoashchan
Жыл бұрын
1000% this!
@heathermixson1265
Жыл бұрын
Like I was told by the narc husband: "if you'd just give me sex when I want, you could have anything YOU ask for...." **including groceries and healthcare for me and the kids** This video was a trigger . The husband is what I believe to be malignant. Thank you Dr. Carter......you're opening eyes and changing lives!
@kimberlys.7097
Жыл бұрын
Same. Been there and done that but even the sex doesn’t satisfy them and they never come through on promises.
@winnerwolf9546
Жыл бұрын
Withholding of sex in a relationship to punish is a sign of abuse .... So when you didn't get what you wanted you withheld affection which in turn might have caused him to with hold finances Creating the perfect storm and nobody won What I did in the same situation was I communicated When the behavior didn't stop I planned Then I left .... Now I have a women that shows empathy and doesn't put strings on sex And she wants for nothing because I feel appreciated ... And she feels appreciated A sexless marriage is a dead one
@winnerwolf9546
Жыл бұрын
@@kimberlys.7097 if you were making an effort sexually and the other didn't appreciate you .... They lacked empathy If your out congrats 🎉 All the best of luck
@belindariojasjones2540
Жыл бұрын
Same here. If he doesn’t get sex when he “ demands” He goes into full rage and becomes mean spirited for days. He has disappeared for weeks at a time. I need Dr. C’ help to let go!
@michellehill718
Жыл бұрын
Narcissistsl are absolutely passing on to others what they could never come to terms with!
@francesbernard2445
Жыл бұрын
Thanks for offering such a detailed and clear description on what happens when a person is hoping to be friend and maybe a romantic interest to someone who is a narcissist. Because until we become educated about the existence of narcissists doing so is so confusing and disruptive to our mental health and well being.
@Armygirl4Christ
Жыл бұрын
“Dejection, sorrow and grief.” I looked up dejection and it’s synonyms and antonyms and almost fell over. Exactly describes my state!
@KaiZen...
Жыл бұрын
Another useful video thanks - It made me think of this.... Bonding with a Narc is like a role of sticky tape, thin, transparent and one side does all the work. ! At least the tape has potential to serve an actual purpose.
@denicehaley9902
Жыл бұрын
Excellent analogy!
@babyblue_-of3eb
Жыл бұрын
I'm afraid that I am the narcissist. I am a 24 female and I'm slowly realizing all my toxic behaviors and tendency towards neuroticism. I searched how to get better if I was the narcissist, but most of these kind of videos on youtube are only telling people how to detect a narcissist and how to leave a toxic relationship with a narcissist. Gotta say this is kind of discouraging to me. But I will never say I am too broken to ever form a healthy bond with the person I like, although all my past friendships and relationships make me feel like I will keep screwing thing up and drive people away. I am going to take responsibilities to be mindful and be responsible for my jealousy and controlling behavior and all of my other resentment towards friends and romantic interests. By the way, if there is anybody who is like me, I do recommend Jordan Peterson's youtube channel. So far this is the only channel I found to be extremely helpful for a narcissist who truly want to become a better version of themselves.
@NancyNNash
Жыл бұрын
GOD Bless You Dr . Carter, I'm feeling a little stronger than I did yesterday.
@Joanna-np6fx
Жыл бұрын
Dr. C you’ve described my situation 💯. After discard 3 years ago I have gone no contact, no longer have any remorse, my father incapable of normal bonding and love. I’m working on the trauma bonding for past 3 years. Getting stronger and discovering my true identity and freedom to be me every day!!
@tbunnyshy1
Жыл бұрын
I cannot wait for the day to accomplish what you have. Very well done. ❤️👏
@awakened9906
Жыл бұрын
"Bonding" to them is owning and controlling someone.
@SendItForward
Жыл бұрын
Yep, My Mother and brother too. Last I heard she moved in w him and they should be doing very well together over in Louisiana. I had to quit her. Looking back I'm so glad I did cuz one N in my life is too many and she would have wanted to move in here. Thank You Lord!!!
@tbunnyshy1
Жыл бұрын
I truly and deeply aspire to be like you one day. I want to be free but I am somewhat financially dependent on them. I am nervous about living alone. There’s issues I have to figure out. One day. 🙏
@SendItForward
Жыл бұрын
@@tbunnyshy1 when a person is young and oppressed, he/she is like a lost soul without a body bc they don't really know yet who they are; they haven't been allowed to even discover all the little facets of their likes/dislikes nor WHY. I learned YEARS later that I was an unwanted pregnancy, a major burden on my mother who was already heavily oppressed herself. She coped the best way she could, to survive, I can understand and accept that. We all have to adapt some how to our environment with a mindset that it is only temporary knowing that we will be irrevocably harmed if we continue in it. There comes a time when we can truly look and say "I'm dying. I don't want to loose myself and be like this person". That was when I began looking, and praying, for the right time to SAVE myself. Other healthy people helped me until I was able to stand on my own. Death by a thousand cuts is the best way I can describe it. I am hoping you have some healthy people in your life who are safe and who you can rely on as I had. Without them I don't know where I would be now. People who were older than me and did not expect anything in return; only my well being. I won't lie, it was hard for me and my children. Have faith in YOURSELF that you CAN and in God that He will open doors for you.
@cynthiabauer5763
Жыл бұрын
Yes! The control, the making you responsible for their emotions... it's so sad how dysfunctional they make the relationship. It either ends or you end up destroyed by them. The earlier you leave the less scars you escape with! No matter how much you hope, try and pray, they don't want to improve because they can't see themselves as needing to improve, so it's useless. You can't save them.
@deeannaprice
Жыл бұрын
If listened to many of your videos but somehow the way you described the narcissists notion of “bonding” was my lived experience day in day out moment to moment. It was depleting. If I didn’t have a strong testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ I would have lost myself entirely in the warped psychologically oppressive relationship that I stayed in. As I reflect on the many “transactions” that constituted our relationship I am still struck by the inhumanity of it all. One-sided cruelty was pervasive. I owe it to Jesus for helping me stay level-headed and heal and forgive and ultimately, walk away. Truly, it’s a process to give up on trying to make a relationship functional and I find myself turning to your videos from time to time for validation. Plus, I get a chuckle at some of your pristinely perfect descriptions! You know relational dynamics vividly well and express yourself with funny straightforward language. I love it! “Team Healthy” is one of my favorites! That’s where I want to be is with “Team Healthy!”
@bellag2864
Жыл бұрын
yes, me too. Thank you Jesus!
@hathlete4ever916
Жыл бұрын
In retrospect, it took me 2 decades to finally find out the pattern of these behaviors everywhere I go, and then once I made efforts to speak to the individuals in private about this/these matters, I got all sorts of chaotic responses, accusations, allegations, punishments, and just got the ever living daylights gaslit out of me. Once I come across it, I decided to either walk away calmly, patiently, and collective, or I will run. It is not worth the troubles anymore. I made the conscious decision to be in the presence of dignity, respect, and civility. And if those are not offered or accepted, either they will go, or I will go.
@OccupationalThpy
Жыл бұрын
Feeling duped! I thought my ex-friend was building mutual connection with our long chats about deep issues and relationship problems. Turns out I was just an emotional toilet for her. When her life finally “got better” my friendship was no longer needed. Super sucks.
@Armygirl4Christ
Жыл бұрын
Thanks for putting into words what I experienced a couple of years ago. I felt so stupid and hurt for trusting her and got dumped suddenly without explanation like a bag of trash. It still stings some.
@tbunnyshy1
Жыл бұрын
I believe this happens more than we realize. I’m so sorry.
@brucefrasier1475
Жыл бұрын
Definitely understand on the friendship tip!...Ya' end up w/betrayal trauma🤔!
@llkellenba
Жыл бұрын
I’ve been in that pattern … always the empathetic listener, soother, understanding helper on speed dial. When it became clear that was ALL there was to our “relationship” I was surprised then dejected. But I learned to recognize the pattern.
@brucefrasier1475
Жыл бұрын
@@llkellenba It's so bewildering just how broad the 'supply' actually is. You're givin' it and have no idea that your listening ear and helpful advice is feeding these disordered individuals w/selfish 'I'm worthy' validation!...
@katiedid9601
Жыл бұрын
Dr. C, this is another fabulous and very helpful video. In attempts over the years to “bond“ with my narcissistic mother, I have had several conversations that have more or less gone like this: mom says “ A relationship should be reciprocal.“. I say “ yes, exactly, that’s what I’ve been trying to say. I feel like I am giving and giving, but it feels very one-sided to me.” Or “ I turned to you with something that was on my mind or concerning me about family/whatever and you brushed it off and turned the conversation to your needs. That does not feel reciprocal.“. Mom then replies with something like “well, our relationship would be reciprocal if you would always be the one to (fill in the blank) :come to my house to help me when I need it regardless of what you are doing, allow me to host all the holidays whether or not you want to or can be there or not because your husband‘s side of the family doesn’t really matter to me and I’m your mother , and/or you need to listen to me complain constantly and if you don’t like listening, just close your ears because it’s your job to let me vent to you whenever I want.” So now she’s in her late 80s and “alone” in a retirement community we’re all she does is criticize people, and I have gone no contact, finally. I used to feel like I was giving up but now I know it is the healthy thing for me to do.
@tbunnyshy1
Жыл бұрын
I hope to accomplish what you have one day. You’re right…you didn’t “give up”, it is self care, protection and peace. ❤️
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
@@tbunnyshy1 agreed! 👍
@LindaLouise625
Жыл бұрын
Evil :( .. And > I NEED to Remember to NOT let them back in!
@LindaLouise625
Жыл бұрын
I was CONNED into thinking we had a connection. My ""Friend"" used the ""me Too!!" thing to draw more info from me > There never was a "me too".. Therein lies MY embarassment / shame AND inability to meet and create New Friendships. Coupled with being a senior in a world full of cons .. That said > I am Still > Freer than I've ever been and while it can be .. isolating and very lonely at times .. I am Much Happier.
@luffypupperstien2706
Жыл бұрын
I was only 23 and trying to sort out a childhood of chaos and abuse. The narcissist was very willing to listen and I found the role of “poor damaged me” an easy comfortable fit. Then years went by marriage a child and my persona of “poor damaged me” didn’t fit. I didn’t want to be damaged I don’t think they liked that still doesn’t. I hear I’m crazy I’m mean I’m awful but it falls to the floor and I think no I’m none of those things but I am tired and fed up and old now
@denicehaley9902
Жыл бұрын
Gus is cutely curled up against his couch mat in this chilly Texas weather. Fortunately, we’ll have a few warm days before the next cold front comes. Stay warm, Gus. So cute! Love your dad since his love for Team Healthy is immeasurably and immensely helpful and a godsend. ❤🐕❤🐕
@roxymovie3938
Жыл бұрын
Narcissists want to bond with you but their way of bonding is not a healthy mutual love bonding (where both can grow) but a toxic trauma-bonding which starts with (intense) love-bombing in order to hook you in, so that you will not see all of the upcoming abuse, which will surely come and will often be created in very subtle ways and different forms of emotional, spiritual, psychological and physical abuse. During the love-bombing Narcissists might be very open and vulnerable, but this is just to put your guards down and to create trust on your side. Narcissists need to connect to people in order to get their daily supply and therefore they have lots of trained strategies to engage and bond with you. But the "bonding" with Narcissists will only be a transaction, because they have no sense of reciprocity. Narcissists are not able to bond with you in a healthy way, because they are damaged from the inside and have very low insight. They do not have the tools for a "normal" relationship and their mindset of social structures is equal to a competition. Narcissists need to be in control and in power over you. They will command to you like this: "Make me feel good!" "Make me look good!" "All your thoughts and feelings have to go through my filter!" "You have to agree with me!" "You are not allowed to challenge me!" "You are not allowed to have an independent mind!" "You are supposed to overlook my dysfunctions!" "You have to idealize me!" "You will always have to follow my commands (even though it makes no sense to you) - otherwise you will be punished!" "I will never accept a 'no'!" After leaving a relationship with a Narcissist, you will feel broken, exhausted, confused etc. because you are left with a trauma (abuse/exploitation/harsh treatment), which needs to be healed. What kind of bonding would you like to have? 》a foundation of personal integrity? 》a sense of inner peace? 》grounded in love, trust and honesty? Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
🙏
@bas9871
Жыл бұрын
Such an insightful response. Thank you.
@roxymovie3938
Жыл бұрын
@@bas9871 you are very welcome. These were my notes. Hope they are helpful.
@loekiekanters4295
Жыл бұрын
'You're the player on the stage', indeed!
@Alice-fr1ef
Жыл бұрын
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. So true, so true Dr. Carter, we are just a part of the game because they are the star of the show and they bring nothing to the table. This reminds me of something you said long ago Dr. Carter, "When pleasing you is killing me" and you were so right on that. I wish I had known you or of your channel in 1985 when I decided to divorce this jerk loser narcissist. I had never heard the word Narcissist and had no name for the problems I was seeing and wanted no part of in my life. Thank you for a very good video Dr. Carter. I just hope those viewing this video will understand that they never change and only get worse the older they get. Get out now! Not everyone we let into our lives is sent by God, some are sent by the devil and you will notice they are not religious.
@SurvivingNarcissism
Жыл бұрын
Thanks, Alice!
@RoseThePhoenix
Жыл бұрын
Interestingly, I'm pretty sure the narcissist I dated for six months would say that I'm "too neurotic, anxiety-driven, and broken" to be with anyone because I refused to take the blame for all the fights he picked, and eventually refused to rise to his bait until he really lost his temper and made me cry and I said I never wanted to see him again. He literally said I needed therapy to address my anger and anxiety issues. Funny how much less anxiety I feel when I'm not constantly being told how wrong I am about everything. Just goes to show they really live by the rule of accusing others of that which they're guilty.
@windysmith7367
Жыл бұрын
That is very true.
@sissi8610
Жыл бұрын
Makes me sad. My younger brother took after our father. Angry, blaming everybody but himself, my shrink said, it's good I'm in Australia, he's in Europe, because you don't want the elongated arm of your father touching you in any way. You're doing so well, I'm glad for you. Also reminds me of a trip to visit a prison inmate. An acquaintenace I took pity on. Horrible in there. We sat in a yard, on tables, him and me had one table. A child comes over, innocent, I'm nice to it, smile, say something that I can't remember, just something sweet. He got so scared. Please, don't look at anybody, don't engage. His other prison inmates saw reality through a different lens: An innocent smile, a comment, would be misinterpreted. These people are so sick, that not even an angel could show them love. Honestly. I mean it. They could have an angel next to them, beaming out love, and they would miss it, or attack it. Take care!
@amandaliverpool3374
Жыл бұрын
Spot on. I've had this. Actually it usually 90% their fault and 10% retaliation from you. But, in their eyes, retaliation = 'you're being aggressive' Peace to you 🙏
@daddymoon666
Жыл бұрын
These type of people should not be allowed to raise children... They ruin lives with those they come in contact with... Sad and mean people they are...
@windysmith7367
Жыл бұрын
I agree. My ex husband almost shattered our son.
@thadmatson4754
Жыл бұрын
I had five kids with a woman who i feel was a narcissist and she twisted turned tried to guide and change me so much that i have zero clue what is up and down inside. Totally baffling and i never even realised it until i did a detoxing cleanse a year after I moved out. It was like the food and body mass held the trauma and when i lost 30 lbs. the floodgates opened!!! Kind of a delayed reaction and INTENSE. I am starting to see some clear sky ahead. What a trip.
@truthwarrior122
Жыл бұрын
I was duped for decades by my so called "friend", but I am not embarrassed at all. It is HIM who got humiliated after I did a deep dive on narcissists and called him out on every evil. But I'm a karate master and a pool pro, so I know about reality.
@lourieesparza2715
Жыл бұрын
I agree, very humiliating because you don't know what's happening to you, once you learn what you are with, you have been destroyed
@lynntoytrainmuseum8973
Жыл бұрын
Yup. 🎯. Thanks for this reminder. Staying the course. ⛵️🌪️. “Don’t quit before the miracle happens!” 🙏🏻💆♂️😇
@SandraMuller-vs8ck
4 ай бұрын
Narcissism is challenging at all levels. I rather remain focused on a healthy lifestyle rather than navigate a stressful situation. My trust and integrity was in jeopardy and I was searching for answers. I am very thankful for your ongoing podcast educating me on this subject. I am at peace. God bless❤
@julienatoli8561
Жыл бұрын
Excellent video Dr Carter, Thank you so much. Yes Sir the narc is unhealthy at their core, .. highly insecure .. they need to pick on someone their own size, but instead they are cowards and bullies. Shame based all the way. Abuse is the game changer, these individuals want to live in a world where abuse is okay! 🤦 ... the law of association is real, I say proceed with much caution with these toxic relationships.
@SewDiva5691
Жыл бұрын
Dr C THANK YOU!!! I finished watching your webinar “Covert narcissism and post traumatic stress disorder”. Your PowerPoint slides are Powerful and Outstanding! I actually felt teary-eyed towards the end but More Empowered all the More!! With my Deepest appreciation Dr C!! Go Team Healthy!!🙌👏👏👏🙌😅
@SurvivingNarcissism
Жыл бұрын
Thanks, SewDiva!! I know you are grinding it out, and I'm so appreciative to be on the path with you. Best wishes, and I'll see you Wednesday!
@SewDiva5691
Жыл бұрын
@@SurvivingNarcissism See ya Wednesday Dr C and Gus!😊
@maladictbilbiomort2778
Жыл бұрын
These remind me of that movie league of extraordinary gentlemen when Whilemina Harker said "I imagine, Mr. Qartermain, that you have quite the library. All those books you read just by looking at the covers."
@SidLamar
Жыл бұрын
Gus is so sweet all curled up taking a snoozer. 💕
@dahliafiend
Жыл бұрын
The worst is their complete inability to see they do this over and over again.
@gypsyfaded5907
Жыл бұрын
I'm unable to completely cut ties due to mutual relations Thank you, Dr. C for lessons in coping! Be well TeamHealthy! 💜
@tbunnyshy1
Жыл бұрын
I hear you! I live with them. 😂🤯 I wish you peace. ❤️
@gypsyfaded5907
Жыл бұрын
Thank you and peace to you too! This community rocks! ❤️
@lyndabrown1626
Жыл бұрын
Too much damage to have a sincere and meaningful bond...exactly, Dr. C. 🙏💝
@MsDeongi
Жыл бұрын
I love the way these videos give you another way to look at these ridiculous relationships… straight to the point and realistic. If you want to stop losing in your efforts…you must let the relationship go because it is a losing situation.
@LeeAdrian777
Жыл бұрын
These videos always come on the right time. It's like you're there watching my life. Thanks for all the help!
@sirtedricwalker2979
Жыл бұрын
Before watching video I say....It's called "transaction Bonding"
@jomartin6209
Жыл бұрын
This is spot on. It's like they want you to be an extension of themselves. It's awful really as we all need to be accepted for who we are and able to be ourselves and accept our differences.
@joshuaanzalone2060
Жыл бұрын
I'm not bonded to any narcs. God removed the trauma bond,the soul ties,God cut the cord completely
@thisisme1981
Жыл бұрын
TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!! Hallelujah!!!! 😊🙌🏼 HE’S still working on me!!! ❤️
@joshuaanzalone2060
Жыл бұрын
@@thisisme1981 this is me,being patient and waiting on the lord will get you there. You don't have to apologize for putting your needs first and loving yourself. If they can't accept you for who you are,then cut them off.
@denicehaley9902
Жыл бұрын
Amen! To God be all the glory!
@thisisme1981
Жыл бұрын
@@joshuaanzalone2060 I’m in the process of doing just that!! 🙌🏼🙏🏼❤️prayers to all of us!!! I pray for everyone hurting!!! God YAH will only let his people that seek HIM endure so much!! HE SET ME FREE!!! now…..waiting on things to be in place!! ❤️🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙏🏼
@thisisme1981
Жыл бұрын
@@denicehaley9902 YES SISTER!!! 😊❤️XOXOXO
@LoriSings65
Жыл бұрын
I trust you and Gus❤️
@akai.christo
Жыл бұрын
Thank you Dr. C🙏♥️🔥 Wish you and all here a positive and blessed week!! 🌻 💪🙂✌️
@panfried7566
Жыл бұрын
I had to repeat this video again. Thank you Dr. C for making it so incredibly clear on why I could never make a connection, a loving bond with her, no matter what I did or how hard i tried. it was detrimental to my well-being by slowly giving up parts of me to satisfy her, to no avail. Nothing worked, no vulnerability, no intimacy and hence no love. thank you again, Dr. C.
@SurvivingNarcissism
Жыл бұрын
Glad it was helpful!
@b.c.4902
Жыл бұрын
What works for me is writing and sharing and focusing on myself and others. Helps me remember who I am Also, knowing i am a child of God with inherent worth
@Armygirl4Christ
Жыл бұрын
👋 Adorable Gus! 🥩🦴🦴🦴 Thank you Dr C 🍫
@catherinebabisha6818
Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much I endured this for years trying so hard to please but receiving next to nothing and was left so disillusioned...thank you for making the details clear
@KoolT
Жыл бұрын
8:01 critiques and criticisms until you are nuts.
@RadicalZombieV
Жыл бұрын
I am sitting here just sighing and chuckling to myself over how I am replaying all the moments with my ex you described in this video. There are days, just like today, where I feel so down and shameful that I gave him trauma, but videos like this remind to not gaslight myself like he did to me. Healing is a process, even after therapy ❤
@mayk89
Жыл бұрын
Dear Dr. Carter - I, too, cannot thank you enough for your informed, sensitive, knowledgeable insights you're offering us. It's been six months since I seperated from my ex. From day one I knew he had a childhood trauma (he told me himself right at the start, albeit without ever using the word "trauma"). But I felt that our bond was genuine. The beginning of the relationship was heavenly. I know I'm healing, and I'm grateful for that, but again today I was ruminating so hard. To no avail trying to fathom where our connection went, how he let that precious bond between us evaporate! And thankfully I came, all tearful, to your video. Where you explain so thoroughly about humans being hardwired for connection; apart from those who have a disorder/trauma/I don't know how to call it. And thank you because you put words to my misery. This deep, almost bodily ACHE I feel is because I lost that connection to someone who I thought was as devoted as I was. Until the moment he started ignoring me and disrespecting me. Through your teaching, I know you're saving lives. For all this, thank you. ❤️
@SurvivingNarcissism
Жыл бұрын
Thanks for this feedback, Mary. You're why I do the videos.
@cherylnathanodette
Жыл бұрын
This is me too, and nay more bs, I have had it quite honestly. Walk beats anger every time. A nice 45 min fast march will do it. Crack on enjoy.
@barbarakelly1916
Жыл бұрын
Baking bread works too, and there is something good to eat at the end. Slapping dough around gets rid of anger, for me.
@amysinger2201
Жыл бұрын
Dr. C, can you talk more about anxiety getting in the way of bonding? Towards the end you mention that narcs are too anxiety driven to properly bond. I recently have been working on being more present with people and try to ground before I meet with people (my relational trauma background has me pretty afraid of everyone). OMG have things changed! By grounding I'm lowering my anxiety and yea, interactions are naturally more authentic! Everywhere I've played with it, EVEN THERAPY, things have improved. I know this is probably obvious to you, but I never realized how much my PTSD was preventing me from bonding and thus reinforcing itself! It's still a work in progress, but I'm betting I'm not the only survivor of narc abuse that has never put together how our anxiety around relationship is making it hard to relate... thank you again for your wonderful work that helps me grow just a bit each week
@mthomas3547
Жыл бұрын
Sometimes I worry that I lost the meaning of empathy. I want to love without having to feel obligated and guilted into it, then punished (silent treatment and talking behind my back), then discarded/ I question my own motives, wondering if I said or did something wrong and it's confirmed when they insult me and try to make it seem as though my not wanting to stop everything for them is rotted and speaks of my lack of integrity. what I feel is used. I feel as though whatever I do give is never enough and I'm emotionally exhuasted.
@fred.k9875
Жыл бұрын
Narcissistic bond rather than mutualistic!
@SurvivingNarcissism
Жыл бұрын
right!
@Mrsvragica666
6 ай бұрын
"Absurdly entitled?" I believe that's an understatement. I don't think I ever received, "How dare you criticize [enter nationality]?" for quietly calling out an individual for their exploitative behavior and drawing a boundary. They could be from Mars, but it doesn't excuse their demeanor. I'd call that I-was-brooded-in-heaven reality.
@angelakh4147
Жыл бұрын
You nailed it again, Dr. C!!! You summed up our experience so concisely and eloquently. I feel seen and heard and validated. Thank you again.
@oceanaoushn8803
Жыл бұрын
Finally watching this :) P S And this is my "favourite" 😅,! At 07:17 "Any you are responsible to make THEM feel good..."
@SurvivingNarcissism
Жыл бұрын
Thanks, Oceana!
@annieblooms
Жыл бұрын
Thank you Dr Leslie Carter, thank you for such insights as to why the narcissist is persistent in his bullish behaviours to prove who he is and making me a scapegoat for his own stuff.
@SurvivingNarcissism
Жыл бұрын
You're quite welcome.
@izawaniek2568
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for your incredible wisdom, help and support dr Carter. God bless you❤
@awfulknauffl
Жыл бұрын
Bravo, Dr. C! Absolutely outstanding and incredibly helpful. Thanks for everything you do. You've had such a positive impact on my life. A million thanks!
@biondna7984
Жыл бұрын
Mutuality. What a concept.
@samanthap1389
Жыл бұрын
You completely nailed it! The blame-shifting & trauma bonding neatly destroyed me, then he discarded me… & I quickly started to heal. I’m FREE & have found peoplle who love & appreciate me!
@sirtedricwalker2979
Жыл бұрын
Their "REJECTION" really is "GOD'S PROTECTION"
@HandleMT
Жыл бұрын
This completes the puzzle of a narcissist and their behavior. It's all about them
@inquisitive1911
Жыл бұрын
Thanks Dr. Carter. This describes exactly 'she' who rather than acknowledge and thank me for my get-well-soon gifts, instead complained to senior management that I was hitting on her. I got into so much big trouble in the workplace because of her, and her incorrect misunderstanding. This would be she who had a bond of sorts with me, but yet she displayed no trust, and so something was amiss. She did express one time that she 'cared about me', but on reflection, I think she was projecting a false persona all along, to get me to reciprocate her affection, so that for some twisted reason, she could then nail me when I returned my 'care', via the get-well-soon gifts. I will never ever trust another employer manager ever again, as I was left with nothing but horrendous pain and trauma. There is nothing quite like deep betrayal when one lets their guard down in the mistaken belief that there is a mutual connection ... I love your wonderful videos, thank you so much. Love from Scotland, X.
@sebastianklahr3499
Жыл бұрын
Most of my thoughts go to the Narcissists heart in listening. I mean what horror to be trapt in the circus of bad relationships over and over. Without any hope of realize where the problem is. The fact that they are victims, made makes it even more sad to me. Its not pity just hurts my mind thinking about it, and the tone many people with their own hurt put on them. As a victim myself I can see the pain clearly, and even though I never can heal the Narcessist I can choose to not add more hurt, to myself or anyone else. Thank you for a good and intructive video
@fredfischer9359
Жыл бұрын
They try to devalue, and break u down. Make u think u have mental problems,wanting u to watch videos on your problem
@jodahlbeck683
Жыл бұрын
This needs to be Shared. Not that the problem would go away 😕
@pinkposey8134
Жыл бұрын
Fantastic Presentation! It reminds of the "I never said that" , You must be mistaken", I don't recall", "That did not occur" common lines used. If things are/become missing (eye glasses, etc.) such as personal items, post denial ; the "Let's backtrack" line comes up. Drop it there..... it is fishing for you to give out more information to further gaslight the topic.
@mizanjensen8794
Жыл бұрын
Thanks so much for your videoes.. I have become much wiser...not so alone tackling things..helped me a lot...brought my integrity and strength back
@LordZombieZanetta
Жыл бұрын
a narc told me it's my position to take abuse because ive "learned to handle it better"
@michellehill718
Жыл бұрын
Yep! You said it all Dr. C and then some! Lol 🙃 And, I am absolutely glad and gratful to be WAY on the other side of such nonsensical "engagement" with absolutely "unavailable" individuals and groups, etc. Even if we aren't "traumatized" by our various narcisstic encounters (over a given lifetime, for example), many of us are not "traumatized" at the end of the day, but have definitely learned a lot along the way and absolutely enough (by now) to stop our own patterns in their tracks (as recognized and needed) and simply say or thinik to ourselves, something like: "Yep, I finally do get it now AND am done with all of those one-sided time wasters and know without a doubt that I am more than enough as I am right now, and on my own if it actually does come down to that. I am more than ok being me and on Team Healthy too, continuously growing and developing with like-minded mature adults who get it and love ourselves enough to let go and heal.😊
@nicolecarnevale3226
Жыл бұрын
Hi Dr Les, Thank you for your informative videos to help people identify the absolute hopelessness in trying to form an authentic bond with persons with narcissism. They are so self focused that true give and take and trust is not just impossible but emotional dangerous. Your authenticity and understanding of this complex personality disorder is so helpful. Thank you again Les.
@A.Dajlida
Жыл бұрын
Sooo true... Any "bonding" with those creatures is a one-way street.
@KoolT
Жыл бұрын
Dr. RAMANI did something about this this am. Love both you DOC'S. THANKS
@amclyne51
Жыл бұрын
Individual red flags, I ignored. Collectively I realized that the person was soooo toxic ( Humpty Dumpty) broken. Thankfully the relationship was mostly long distance. Time together was ok but I realized that what he considered closeness, was the Grand Canyon. I just went No Contact and that was it.
Пікірлер: 426