Mike: Doug Stanhope. Careful What You Wish For (This Is Not Happening). If ya know, ya know. 10/10 Drugdealer. Hiding In Plain Sight. Am I listening to the right thing? LOL This is wildly unexpected. It sounds fifty years old. Not two. Soulful and funked up beach rock? All right, all right, all right. I might even listen to it again. In the rarest of my many moods, this would be perfect. 6/10 Straight To Hell. Demo 2024. Hilarious album art for the win. Machine gun riffs broken up by moshcalls for the win. Hardcore big dog barkin for the win. Charging £141 on bandcamp for a four-song demo for the hilarious win. 4.5/10 Marc: Victory Style 4. Earth Crisis: Nope. Shelter: Noper. Hatebreed: Absolutely, but probably just for nostalgia's sake. Greyarea: All right, sure. Integrity 2000: A’ight. Buried Alive: Yup. Grade: LOL Whut? Snapcase: Nope. Electric Frankenstein: Noper. Shutdown: All right, sure. Cause For Alarm: Meh. Skarhead: Nope. Catch 22: OMFG ABSOLUTELY NOT. Blood For Blood: LOL I dunno... maybe? All Out War: Uh, sure. OS101: Nope. Strife: Fuck yeah. boysetsfire: Fuck nah. The Strike: Nope. Warzone: Nope. River City Rebels: Meh. Reach the Sky: Nah. No Innocent Victim: All right, sure. 3/10 Z.O.N.E. Zero Option Nuclear Ending. So that was just an intro track, right? Okay, wait... Track two is yet aNOTHer intro tra--oh, here we go. Decent. I'm not gonna pay $15 for the cassette, though. Let's get a full-length, this is good stuff. 6.5/10 Phil: Sully. S/T. (Four of these tracks are lifted straight from last year's demo, but that's kinda SOP.) HPGD is usually a solid bet, and this is a shining example of why. Perfect grind with a lot of extreme death metal in its DNA. Even some thrash here and there. Zero complaints, even the hardcore gorilla lyrics are fine. 9/10 Dennis: Andy Haynes. The Suggested Comedy Special. Haynes is usually safe to bet on because he's a great joke writer. What is not safe to bet on is his being a great crowd work/improv performer. This was rough. Since he never went back and asked the audience member if she thought of a joke... "What do the colors white, green, brown, and black all have in common besides being very common American last names and having only five letters? They're not the least bit funny... They're also all colors that can be found in some rather nasty wounds. Everyone here knows that though, because we're watching you take a pretty severe beating up there, Andrew." It's curious that the BTS footage shows him acknowledging that everyone is doing crowd work specials and that's why he didn't call it such. The thing to do would've been acknowledge that everyone is doing them and don't fucking do one. Stick to what you're better at, write killers, and give us a special next year. You don't have to conform to the norm. Disaster, indeed, m'guy. 3/10 Instruction. God Doesn't Care. He's actually quite a vocalist. Only rarely is he really sing-songy, but he obviously always could be. Instead, he's much more consistently scream-songy. Some interesting dynamics behind him too. I might get beat up for this, but... a couple of times (on "I'm Dead", for one example) I was reminded a lot of 30 Seconds to Mars... and I LIKED it. (Maybe it's just been long enough since the grunge-metal rock radio kings like Buckcherry, Chevelle, and 10 Years reigned the Noughties.) "Feed the Culture" felt like a different band (in a great way), and "death to the four-car garage band" is a bumper sticker if ever. Probably won't ever listen again, but still, 6.5/10. Tommy: JP McDade. In Brooklyn. His immaculate scruff, calling cruises "slip and fall settlement celebrations", "You ever fuck up so bad you create Hell?", "Ugh, I get it--you have money." "Books are dumb... I'm a very edgy comedian." "I was at the tailor the other day, getting some condoms taken in..." "'Herpes' autocorrects to 'heroes'." are all pretty perfect, but for no good reason, the lights randomly dimming was my favorite moment. 8/10 Kickback. No Surrender. With names like these, I was expecting it to be cookie-cutter hardcore (and maybe lyrically it is, as exemplified in "The Audience is the Target"), but even though I'm fairly certain I've heard all of these parts before, how they added them up sounds like a new sum. Familiar numbers in a new equation. That's pretty fuckin' cool. Maybe it's just because they're French, and there are some serious parallels in tone, but I will definitely listen to some Celeste after this. 9/10
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