Ever had that thing where you're making out or playing around with your partner, and you realise you're close to coming - but you're barely being touched?
Paul came to see me after struggling with premature ejaculation for quite a few years. Why was he seeking help now? Partly because he'd always been too embarrassed, but mainly after having this very experience.
He said he was on holiday, all relaxed and feeling good, and having holiday sex with his wife. What's not to like? He was giving her oral sex - going down - and laying flat on his front - for comfort and for the long haul.
But he started to panic, because just the stimulation of lying that way, and the minor movements of his head, was getting him close to ejaculation - right there, just like that. And he didn't want to ejaculate - this was supposed to be foreplay.
This freaked Paul out: on his own, he could lie on his front, even aroused, and make all kinds of movements, for ages, and it wouldn't get him off. It's not enough stimulation.
So what is it about going down on his wife that sends him from 0 to 100 so quickly? Is that what premature ejaculation is?
Well, the difference is the presence of his wife, his partner, of course. Her arousal, the sounds she's making, her breathing, the movements, the rising temperature, the anticipation of all that's to come - this is all very exciting.
But it's tipping him towards orgasm too quickly.
This is common for many men. Have you ever done that thing where you try to keep going but discreetly lift yourself off the bed to eliminate all friction down there? And it doesn't work, does it? It's the sensory excitement and anticipation that's ramping you up.
And ramping Paul up too. So we could be pretty confident that over-excitement was a factor in his PE. It usually is.
What did we do about this? We followed the plan, getting Paul used to physical relaxation first - his breath and all the way down through his body.
And doing some self-stimulation work to get more aware of how excitement feels in his body - being able to recognise the approach of the point of no return. Not being afraid of it or freaked out by it, but knowing how to wind it back, and when to wind it back.
And we used this scenario, this memory of being on holiday, getting it on with his wife, for a bit of mental rehearsal. He had an audio recording to follow, feeling fully relaxed, picturing the scene, feeling the arousal and excitement, and staying in control. Using his breath, his focus and zooming out, enjoying but not getting transfixed by his partner's pleasure.
And, of course, Paul should keep doing what he's doing. Giving pleasure in this way, as the main event and not just as a lead-in to intercourse, is good exposure to the excitement. And takes the pressure off his 'performance', of course.
So Paul had a few things to work on, and this didn't get changed overnight. But it didn't take long either - the physical relaxation work was all new for him and he really got into it. He has untapped potential here, even after years of struggling and putting up.
I hope this gives some insights into how to approach over-excitement; to learn to ride those waves of pleasure that come along before you've even taken your pants off sometimes.
Try my Lasting Longer self-help course - the essential skills for men: courses.jasond...
The information provided by Jason Dean is solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or sexual health conditions. Although Jason Dean is a psychotherapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your doctor before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
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