People tell me GROW UP and STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. No one "felt" for me as a child and now as an adult I'm told I can't feel sorry or sad for me either.
@007Fusiion
4 жыл бұрын
Felt like I skipped the ‘growing’ stage and went straight into adult/responsible mode.
@audriiiiroberts3030
3 жыл бұрын
@@007Fusiion right. Like what about being 15, 16, 17 and having some guidance and room to grow? 25 and I’m just now realizing I’ve been lost for a while now.
@hannahi9355
3 жыл бұрын
I know what you mean. My aunts and uncles blame me for what my caregivers don't do. Its so crap.
@MaSTerKNivEE
3 жыл бұрын
Some People just have no idea about how they were blessed compared to others suffering. Cry it out if you need to. But remember you can also create something positive from bad experiences. Don't give up. Brofist
@marina2150
3 жыл бұрын
Exactly. That's so hurtful.
@ASLAnissaOfficial
6 жыл бұрын
I’ve find that often people justify parentification due to necessity. But separating what had to happen from what should happen for a healthy mind and self is the fine line that can take time to accept.
@Katimorton
6 жыл бұрын
I agree :) Thanks for sharing! xox
@PRoseLegendary
6 жыл бұрын
ASL Anissa are you a CODA? My parents are both Deaf and I've realised how much they depended on me to interpret for everything, and how much they expected me, as a "hearing" person (even though I was still a kid), to explain the world to them. Even though interpreting for my parents was necessary. But it sucks that I didn't get to be a kid.
@hannalyzethis
6 жыл бұрын
PRoseLegendary have you seen the film Family Belier? Cried so hard to that film.
@rory3155
6 жыл бұрын
I had no idea this term existed and I genuinely feel my life has changed.
@hilol9358
3 жыл бұрын
I am so happy to find this term It explains exactly how I feel
@robinsky139
3 жыл бұрын
I feel the same way.
@danriverso1053
3 жыл бұрын
I came across this a few months ago and it explains everything for me!
@Pamven
2 жыл бұрын
I found out about it and everything in my life suddenly makes sense..
@urltima
6 жыл бұрын
I've been wondering for years what's been wrong with me and finally discovered it in this video. I was parentified. I was the emotional support of my mother and sister which meant that my emotions regardless of severity was pushed to the side for 18 years. Once I moved out and was allowed to actually started experiencing my own emotions, I went overboard and just exploded with all the emotions I never showed as a kid. This was so hard on my boyfriend becayse he couldn't understand but I'm so glad he did his best to help through that time. I'm in the grieving process right now where I long to have the childhood I never got. My emotional growth stopped at about 5 or 6 I would imagine. So I cry about child like things. Like when I can't tie my shoe as tight as I want or my clothes are bothering me or my stuffed animal gets lost. Those are my childlike anxieties that I should have already experienced but since I didn't I'm experiencing them now as a 21 year old. It's embarrassing for me to expose that to other people but I'm glad my close friends understand. It's a lengthy process. I've only been recovering for 4 years but it's worth it becayse there's a point where you can sort of regress in private and play with toys or experience that childhood for a few minutes and it feels like a breath of fresh air to do so I encourage anyone who goes through this to act on those childlike behaviors as long as they aren't unhealthy. Go watch Clifford. I do. Go treat yourself to that you you wanted as a kid but never got. Buy yourself a blankie. Indulge and treat yourself to the childhood you always deserved.
@emilyelk9372
5 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this!
@evanjones5790
5 жыл бұрын
Chunky But Funky 😎 that’s crazy I was thinking about my mom and sister watching this video
@rememberhilde
4 жыл бұрын
Thanks I really needed this and it does so well to know someone else is experiencing sth similar. Wish you all the best 🌷
@katv530
4 жыл бұрын
I completely relate to this - if you don't mind my asking, how are you doing now in your healing process?
@sandrinelaberge8136
4 жыл бұрын
I relate so much with you. I am happy you are finding ways to heal and to let yourself grow emotionally. I was also a parentified child but I have so much difficulty connecting with my emotions, even thought I am not with my parents anymore. I feel stucked within my defense mechanism, I can't let myself be :'). But your story gives me a sense of reality, because you've been recovering for 6 years (now) showing it takes a lot of time. I hope you still do well. And, as Kat V asked, I would also be interested in your healing process if you are confortable with sharing it :).
@milfsfilms
6 жыл бұрын
im emotionally a parentified child. i was fully aware and even involved with my parents' marriage drama. i mean i was with my mother when she literally _stalked_ my father to catch him cheating and she told me how the other woman looked like compared to her and all that. i was so conflicted as to if it was really necessary for me to know this
@madisongrace4851
6 жыл бұрын
Isabela Louise wow that’s striking chords with me. Very relatable. Definitely unnecessary for a kid to be involved with, I’m sorry that happened to you.
@ka-im5nd
6 жыл бұрын
My mum constantly relies on me for emotional support, but I can't rely on her for the same thing. So she'll come bursting in crying talking about how stressful everything is and how awful it is looking after kids and how it's everyone else's fault, but if I need supporting or if I'm not around to support her she flips out. Like the night before my first exams, she yelled about how she wanted to get a divorce with my dad and how we'd lose the house. This wasn't even true: 7 months later and they're completely fine. She got angry and was lying to me because she feels she needs control. Obviously, I did terrible in my exams because of this. I ended up having a panic attack mid exam the next day because all I could think about was what would happen if we lost the house. BleH. So yeah, it can suck being constant emotional support. Sorry you've had to go through that, both of you +Isabela, + Madison.
@naarac.5046
4 жыл бұрын
@@ka-im5nd same w me. And my mom used to take me everywhere so my dad wouldn't think she was cheating cause he used to be paranlic. Now my mom is getting paranoic after all of. These years. Everything sucks
@jediknightnamek
3 жыл бұрын
Damn! This hits a bit too close for comfort. The details might vary but the essence is scary accurate for me. I wish you the best Isabella and the other commenters.
@MsLaurithaa
6 жыл бұрын
Great video! I think most people don't realize how detrimental this can be to a child! What hurts me the most is that my parents will never acknowledge how much I did for them or how much of my youth was lost over that.
@alanabear2736
6 жыл бұрын
THANK YOU! They literally just can't see it. I was forced to raise my siblings from the age of 8. I have 4 of them ranging from an infant to 6. I had to cook, clean, make sure my siblings were up for school, and got to sleep on time, help with homework, ect. But was still called an ungrateful good for nothing when I had the audacity to forget to put my dad's clothes in the dryer.
@selineboland8262
5 жыл бұрын
Alana Hilliard I think we are the same people. I went through the same thing but I have five younger siblings. And an older one but she is treated like a princess and can never do any wrong. No 6 year old should know how to use or have to use a washing machine
@evanjones5790
5 жыл бұрын
LeylaLMP I feel you I get blamed for stuff that happened when I was under 18 and I’m 19 rn still trying to figure shit out
@crystalz1930
6 жыл бұрын
My mom used me as emotional support. When I was growing up, I remember her telling me she was very depressed and wanted to kill herself. It happened all the time. It made me feel like it was my fault somehow. Or that I should try harder so my mother doesn't want to die.
@jesseward568
4 жыл бұрын
My parents would do this to my sister. Now, in adulthood, she runs the family business while dad plots revenge on former companies. Mum said to me "she's finally paying us back forvthe pain she caused us when she was a teenager"
@evah6308
3 жыл бұрын
Same.
@spanditapanda
3 жыл бұрын
Same.
@PlayerTenji95
3 жыл бұрын
@@jesseward568 that’s so bizarre, wow.
@katejohns3284
2 жыл бұрын
Oh I'm so sorry, yes mum mum had the same conversation with me... she's bipolar I find it hard even now to work out how much I should excuse. I've recently told her about what she said to me and all I got was "I don't remember that".... not sure what to do next.
@mllerosediamant
4 жыл бұрын
My parents are always bickering and trying to make me pick sides. I literally feel like a nanny dealing with two bratty kids.
@walayssaart
6 жыл бұрын
Wow, this video was made for me. I am 19 and my sister is 10, and I've been taking care of her since I can remember. My mom had to leave the house really early to work and had to stay away all day. I was the one to cook, clean, do laundry, walk my sister to school, everything. Currently it's pretty much the same and it's has been killing me from a very young age, but, to everyone, it's fine, because I am a "perfect daughter". To play the role of a mother for my sister has actually developed in me a fear of getting pregnant and having my own kids, this idea terrifies me, and I dont wish to be a mother because, in a way, I already had this experience. Kati, thank you so much for this video, I felt deeply understood.
@Shabtisinger
6 жыл бұрын
It's so good you recognize this now and I hope it makes healing easier! It's absolutely okay to not want to have kids, for whatever reason. Society often is harsh to those that make that choice but if you are interested in a community that would support that decision, explore "childfree" forums.
@Katimorton
6 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am so sorry that you had to go through that, and I am glad that this video validated your experience. xoxo
@pyropixie6633
6 жыл бұрын
I've been in the same place as you, although i had to take care of my mother as well. Just know that you don't have to have children and your not alone in this fear. The best thing that will come from this is that you will have a very deep relationship with your sister. If you'd like to chat more, message me, I'll be glad to give you insight.
@sammie9177
6 жыл бұрын
I had a very similar experience. My sisters are 8 and I'm 18. I also don't want to have children because I feel like I've already been a mom.
@walayssaart
6 жыл бұрын
I totally understand you, Sammie. You are not alone. I wish you lots and lots of strenght and hope for less harsh days
@Christian-ir2mb
6 жыл бұрын
I used to be a people pleaser on a maniac level, now I see why. I don't remember much from my childhood, but I find myself wanting to talk about it to understand how much of what happened was my fault
@Katimorton
6 жыл бұрын
I am so glad that you are talking about it.. that's how we figure out what really happened and how we felt and currently feel about it. xoxo
@Christian-ir2mb
6 жыл бұрын
Kati Morton thank you ^^, not having the finance to afford therapy your channel is really helping me grow.
@sumsumb4004
6 жыл бұрын
Why do I feel guilty for saying that this happened to me? Ive always been told that it's just "doing my part". I have seen multiple therapists and the only thing I've been told is that it will end when I finish school. I finished a week ago and now I'm absolutely miserable because I am tired of waiting for it to happen. Even though I know it won't just happen in one day I still fear that it won't end.
@audriiiiroberts3030
3 жыл бұрын
You’re the light you’ve been waiting for at the end of the tunnel. If you see this, write it down on a sticky note and put it on a mirror or somewhere else you will see it often.
@jclyntoledo
3 жыл бұрын
@@audriiiiroberts3030 Damn 😳 I have never heard this saying before
@strangeaslife
2 жыл бұрын
Have you seen an emotionally focused therapist? My therapist is emotionally focused and she has talked to me about being a parentified child and has helped me a lot. She also talks to me a lot about noticing how my body is reacting to emotions.. Maybe you need to find the right person to help you. Best luck.
@madeinussr7551
2 жыл бұрын
Give yourself time and take it easy. Be responsible but one day move out and experience life
@scottburton4479
Жыл бұрын
No one wants to think ill of their parents and you’re going to feel bad potentially due to the fact you had to take care of them as a child. I feel like the most mature in my family due to me having to do this myself. I never really fully felt like a kid growing up and almost feel like I’m the parent to them. My dad’s incapable of admitting when he’s done something wrong so I try to explain it and he starts screaming and getting in my face, while I try to deescalate the situation but he didn’t like the question I presented so now I’m the problem. It’s rough feeling like I have to tolerate because they’re my parents but they’re doing that same emotional game to me again, stating that these were our best memories, and some were but what about me feeling like the emotionally sound individual within the household and I’m forced to be the therapist. I hadn’t talked to them really in months until yesterday. It’s almost like they can’t stand that I don’t need them really, but that’s where my guilt lies. Sorry for the long response just it does make a person feel guilty.
@dawngreenwood6034
6 жыл бұрын
I have bipolar 1 and my depression gets severe but I force myself to get up and take care of my kids. If I have to fake it so they are taken care of I will. I never want my kids to feel the way I did. I want them to enjoy their childhoods not have to worry about me.
@adrianbrogan1061
6 жыл бұрын
Donnettia Mayer you're a trooper and an inspiration! 💕 keep fighting and doing the right thing! You won't regret it
@dawngreenwood6034
6 жыл бұрын
Adrian Brogan thank you.
@sapphire8644
3 жыл бұрын
Maybe you could Take a day off for yourself and your kids. It will give you time to do something for yourself and take your kids out somewhere they like to go that’s fun with a trusted adult.
@vanessathompson7468
5 жыл бұрын
I literally prayed 30 minutes before finding this video. Knowing this will help me help myself. I'm currently experiencing it, parentification, big time right now with one of my younger brothers and a situation he is dealing with. I told my mom that how I'm feeling is more like he's my son and not my brother. It affected my sleep, my eating, headaches, and I finally had to take off from work yesterday. I was talking to my other younger brother and he claimed I'm making myself feel the way I feel. I told him no I'm not, it's something driving me to feel this way and feel like it's my job to help like I'm his mom not sister. I found my answer. My heart is full, and my soul is beginning to feel free and not weighted down. I thank you for this video from the bottom of my soul. You have no idea how much you have helped me. The comments are also very encouraging and eye opening. I'm also a highly sensitive person so I feel things way deeper than the average person which makes me affected by things way deeper too. It's a blessing and a curse, but God saw I couldn't take it anymore. God helped me find this video so I begin the journey to help myself so I can be even a better mother for my daughter.
@OlympiaSophie
3 жыл бұрын
Nothing is more important than learning from our mistakes. Listen to your heart and understand its not our job to make everyone happy or their lives perfect.
@sheap3871
5 жыл бұрын
I’m almost 30 and my mother still tells me about my parents relationship. I tell her all the time that’s not my business and to know her boundaries. I’m so tired and angry! When I show how annoyed I am she tries to make me seem like I’m the one whose too sensitive. I can’t!
@juliag4436
5 жыл бұрын
This was a touching video that hit very close to home. I am 14 years old and a parentified daughter to my parents. I do far more of the chores around the house than I should, in addition to around 25 hours of volunteer work every week, to the point of complete exhaustion. My father is explosive in his anger, bursting out without regard for how deeply he might be hurting me; my mother is critical and emotionally unstable, using me as a landfill for her feelings, especially around her marriage with my father. I resorted to burying myself in a “humanitarian path”, compliant and visionary, doing whatever I could to please them, to no avail. It is painful and humiliating to be a parentified child, to be stripped of one’s childhood. Please, to any parents reading this, even if your child seems a capable and mature leader, even if they find passion in helping others, don’t pressure them excessively to excel and take care of everything. We children put on a brave face to please you, to make you proud-but the experience is traumatizing and debilitating nevertheless. Give us the safe haven we long to return to; sometimes, it is the only place we have left. ❤️
@sonagold9145
3 жыл бұрын
I am amazed u being a 14 year old has put this into words so appropriately like i m 23 and resonate with every word u mentioned just wow its been two years how r u noww i hope u r living and will live a very fulfilling life
@Ninja-ty4lw
3 жыл бұрын
Someone telling me I'm allowed to feel anger and not dismissing the effects of being parentified made me cry the hardest I've cried in a while.
@emiliewillow4894
6 жыл бұрын
This is something I'd never really thought about before actually but I think I'll definitely bring it up in therapy! My mum would always look to me to vent about issues with her and I remember feeling super uncomfortable about it all but I also remember thinking she didn't really have anyone else to talk to about it so it was okay. I spent so much time worrying about the issues and that my parents could be splitting up that, yes, I did loses chunks of my childhood putting on that brave face, pushing my issues aside because I didn't want to add to the 'burden' and making sure that my sister wasn't affected. Thank you for this, Kati! ♥
@laurenh9678
3 жыл бұрын
I resonate so hard with what you shared. I always felt like if she was talking to me about things then at least I was shielding my 7 year younger sister.
@laurenh9678
3 жыл бұрын
Hope you’ve healed and have moved forward with new light now.
@stellannie86
6 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much! That was exactly my childhood. I'm 31 and i'm still having tons of issues regarding my childhood. I'm going to take your advice and write those letters. :)
@HIEEE2112
6 жыл бұрын
I love this video and love that there is a term for what happened to me.
@Felicity1247
6 жыл бұрын
Thanks for this video, Kati! I realized a few months ago in therapy that I was sort of put in difficult places as a child. I used to hear my parents arguing a lot. Sometimes they would fight in the car and I'd feel trapped. My mom would tell me how frustrated she was with my dad, how they'd already talked, etc. Occasionally they would use me as a carrier pigeon or a pawn, like "Your dad loves you; he'll do X if you're the one asking for it. He never does X if I ask." My mom also used to talk to me a lot in the car about everything that was going on with her family and girlfriends, almost like I was her peer even though I was 13 or 14. I never quite knew what to say and was mostly silent. To be clear, they really loved each other and loved me, and in general I have a good relationship with my parents. I don't consider my family dysfunctional at all. They don't fight nearly as much anymore and they love each other, but now it's hard to tell them how I'm struggling with trauma or my eating disorder. I think my parents have this image of me having my shit together, and in general being very poised and stoic. I have a hard time being the child seeking support.
@MikeWazowski680
2 жыл бұрын
Watching this video and reading through the comments, makes me feel not so alone, what happened to us was not ok, but knowing there’s people who understand my emotions and what I’m going through, makes me feel better. Hang in there, everyone, I have faith that we can heal from this.
@martacarvalho5260
6 жыл бұрын
oh god, i experienced this and have been talking about it with my therapist but I didn't realise that it had a name!
@martacarvalho5260
6 жыл бұрын
Marcella Ward thank you! I wish you the best of lucks on your recovery as well
@The.Smoker_Section
5 жыл бұрын
Same here. My therapist brought this to my attention and u couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and here I am.
@luticia
6 жыл бұрын
I'm the complete opposite: I'm physical a grown old woman but inside me still this baby that needs their parents so desperately very much but still doesn't get their love, appreciation and respect. I'm dying because of this lack and inner pain, literally killing myself w my eating disorders. I just can't get over this pain.
@codywilliams2960
6 жыл бұрын
have you looked into ED treatment centres in your area? they typically provide you with a therapist, nutritionist and so much more to help you realize what's causing your ed behaviours and how to deal with, and move on from them and help you lead a healthier lifestyle. i highly suggest you look in to it, if you are ready to recover (because i know that making the decision to commit to recovery is really tough). i support you 100% because i've been there myself. trust me, life doesn't get better until you realize that you need to devote your life to yourself until you're ready to be there for others.
@justcallmeziii3175
6 жыл бұрын
omg i'm so happy you made this video. I am struggling with this so much and am working on it with my therapist. Thanks so much, you are doing so much to help others, love your channel! :)
@Katimorton
6 жыл бұрын
Of course! I am so glad this video was helpful :) xoxo
@judyferguson1488
6 жыл бұрын
I got to do both sides of that coin, practical and emotional!! Setting boundaries with my mum as an adult was one of the hardest things I have done, she still fights them too and tries to break my boundaries. But thanks to therapy Im getting stronger and stronger and standing my ground! And I have just starting writing letters again this week after having a really rough time at home and am remembering how much it helped! I used to do it when I first starting working on it with my psychologist, and then just didn't see a need for it! but now I'm using it as a tool to write a letter to mum overtime i feel betrayed or hurt by her current actions aswell, and its doing wonders! one of my favourite tools to use for sure! Thanks for everything Kati
@filmfury743
6 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this video. I grew up the oldest of 9 children. My dad was a janitor and my mom was a stay at home mom. I cooked, cleaned, helped with homework etc. If I wasn't at school, I was at home helping her. I didn't have a childhood. I didn't have fun memories or friends. My parents told me about all of their problems when I was way too young. I knew about my father's gambling and cocaine addiction. I knew about my mom's abusive boyfriends. I knew why were moved from house to house. We kept getting evicted. I still deal with all of these thoughts and feeling well into my adulthood
@TheLittlealice16
6 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this Kati, I feel like this is so little talked about- I didnt even realise it wasnt normal or ok UNTIL someone spoke to me about it and that it just one of the many many reasons why this video is so important!
@Katimorton
6 жыл бұрын
I agree!! We definitely need to talk about it more!! xoxo
@Atlazuko
5 жыл бұрын
this helped alot i'm seeing a therapist and this is what she told me i was. she didn't call me selfish for wanting to take care of my own needs when that happened alot when i tried in my own home! this helped and it does take a lot. i've been telling myself for years that it's okay to take care of my own needs and i still have trouble doing so because i still feel it's selfish cause I feel i need to take care of everyone else first.
@cupidb0nes
3 жыл бұрын
I feel so horrible. And tainted. Thank you for this video it’s very informative. It’s just put into words now
@Jelleybean18
3 жыл бұрын
Much love ❤️ It’s difficult to realize but I can promise, with therapy, you can do this and can get past these feelings ❤️
@saxongreen78
3 жыл бұрын
Burned all my photographs...went no contact...just spent Christmas fully alone: it was _wonderful!_ (I am 42, male and childless, though...makes it a bit easier.)
@God.sDaughter
3 жыл бұрын
That’s nice. You have your me time and time to meditate.
@rory3155
6 жыл бұрын
Thank you so so much for making this video. I was a parentified child and still am, only I’m 18 so it’s all legal now, which ironically has just made it far worse! Just because it’s so easy for people to justify the situation. I really appreciate this cyber support Kati x
@adrianbrogan1061
6 жыл бұрын
Madeleine Benson hey I'm in the same boat as you... Just turned 19 and it's only gotten worse for me as well but we'll make it through and with proper help we'll recover! Keep your head up you're not alone in this fight! 💕
@rory3155
6 жыл бұрын
Adrian Brogan wow!! Thank you, how nice to get a reply haha. Stay strong, one good thing about this is how strong we are and will be. ❤️
@mayah4468
4 жыл бұрын
hope youve gotten out of your situation now
@EdsFlyingPanda
6 жыл бұрын
This is extremely helpful! Grieving the loss and overcoming resentment are some of the most difficult processes, there can be so much guilt attached to accepting and trying to move forward.
@MadCupcake38
6 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this video. I really appreciate this. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I was a young carer of my brother who is autistic. I'm 21 now and if anyone can relate it would be so comforting to hear from you. Growing up I didn't know anyone who had autistic siblings and felt so conflicted and lonely in my experience . I still have an intense fear of being angry because of the meltdowns and my brother and dad lashing out and fighting constantly. Even when my brother hurt me during meltdowns I couldn't express anger towards him because it wasn't his fault it was the autism, and I had to be responsible and not make things worse by having 'ugly angry' emotions. Even though I was 12 I felt so confused that I could take care of my brother and do what was needed, yet my dad who'd been on autism training and was the parent, was acting like a child and I didn't feel safe. I really appreciate this video Kati, I need to commit to doing inner child work, think the guilt and strong feelings that come up scares me. I always felt I had to be the parent because I was more patient and aware of how to help my brother do tasks and communicate and I would de-escalate fighting, whilst my dad lost his temper and would deliberately wind him up.
@veronniep
6 жыл бұрын
I really appreciate this video. None of my actual therapists have ever taken the time to explain this concept to me and when you did, I gained a whole new insight into myself and why I do certain things the way I do. I write a lot of poetry, so I took your advice and wrote a poem to my younger self. It was probably the hardest poem I've ever written, but it really helped me validate myself and also see how far I've come in my journey. Thank you so much for explaining this and being a part of my recovery :)
@mosaic2476
6 жыл бұрын
thank you so much for this, kati! maybe a few months ago, my mother told me that, from the moment she realised she was pregnant with me, she gave me the role of being the one to pull her up and out of her depression. this, amongst other things, has been very harmful for me, so i find it reassuring to know that there's a term for it and that i'm not alone.
@imnotagoodboy2319
6 жыл бұрын
I relate to this on a personal level...being the oldest and my father who is bipolar and has ptsd I was always scared and basically took care of my sister constantly because he forced us to do things while he did nothing but play video games, and it's always my fault if I didn't take care of my sister in private or public.I spent many years doing things for her and still I'm expected to drive my mother and sister to work or school while I work too. I clean all day for my mother while my dad still does nothing even thanksgiving I had to cook and clean while my mother went to work, and dropped my sister off at our grandparents...it's hard to be raised as an adult because I still want to be a kid.
@MsLaurithaa
6 жыл бұрын
Angé Y wow the last sentence resonates so much with me! thanks for sharing, I'm sorry you had/have to go trough this. Hugs to you xo
@shesdigital
6 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this. I am 33 years old and recovering from being a parentified child each day.
@NikkiSchumacherOfficial
6 жыл бұрын
Great video. ❤️ I was parentified and some of it actually helped me out in life (needing to cook and help sibling with homework etc gave me life skills. Other things didn't help so much-- hearing one parent bad mouth the other or share details of their sex life for instance didn't help in the least! 🤮
@GemGames3
4 жыл бұрын
I had this constantly from my own mother for 20+ years because my mother would vent about problems with my ex-stepfather who she had finally left, and now I have resentment for my mother because I feel she has hurt me for nothing. I'm so glad there's a term for this.
@ellebee3998
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for your encouragement. Dr. Sam Vaknin says that this type of abuse is severe. We have to be compassionate with ourselves.
@DBSG1976
6 жыл бұрын
Great video! I'm actually in the process of working out my issues from when I was a child and expected to be an equal emotional partner to one of my parents. At the time I was confused and anxious. I grew up and spent my early adulthood as a people pleaser and I was a huge liar. Even though I'm aware that I used lying as a defense mechanism, I still have a tendency to go in that direction when situations get tough, which is unacceptable. My therapist is helping me unpack the anger and had me write a letter to my 14 year old self. 8 pages later, I saw that I was remembering incidents that I had buried emotionally a long time ago. My therapist thinks that I took a big step by remembering, but I am not so sure that I've made any progress, yet. I know it's a long process. I love your content and I appreciate that you are covering this rarely discussed issue!
@Katimorton
6 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for sharing your work on this!! It is a long process, and remembering can often take my clients months and months.. that's probably why your therapist felt you are doing so well. So give yourself some credit for that hard work, and as you keep working on it you will begin to feel like you are making some progress. xox
@terridd6265
6 жыл бұрын
You hit the nail on the head! I have to keep my distance from my parents in order to stay sane.
@dawngreenwood6034
6 жыл бұрын
This was me. My step mom had cancer and I had to help take care of her. I didn't get to go out and play like a normal kid. I had to clean, cook and make sure my mom was ok. My Dad had to work so we had no choice. I'm not resentful because of it but it makes me a little sad.
@johnnafisher3123
4 жыл бұрын
When my parents had me they were up there and their years And I had to take care of them because my older siblings have their own life to worry about I always described it as raising my parents Thank kati for giving it a name 💝👨👩👧👍🏻
@OlympiaSophie
3 жыл бұрын
Such a true concept Johnna. But being true to ourselves is the most important and learning that others happiness is not dependent upon us.
@AStaff-gh4vo
6 жыл бұрын
I'm just happy that more and more people are learning about parentified children. I wish I could remember more of my childhood to properly justify myself saying that I have been parentified, but I feel that I could only call myself that if I remember things more clearly. Problem is, I got a poor memory which is a symptom of anxiety and depression which I feel are caused by my home circumstances and half-raising my siblings
@colonelweird
4 жыл бұрын
I was raised by a single borderline/narcissist mother. She learned the language of psychotherapy when I was little, and she used it to abuse me throughout my childhood and adolescence, and even my early adulthood. She decided when I was very young that I would be her full-time therapist. She talked to me about all her problems for many hours at a time, late into the night. She was always enraged at the men in her life - she always told me ALL the details - and somehow as I grew up that became deep shame and self-hatred in my own mind. As I began trying to set boundaries in my teens, she became more and more enraged at me. But she never wanted me to stop being her therapist. She had zero interest in my life - unless she could use something to manipulate or shame me. She lied to me and gaslit me constantly. She was an absolute emotional vampire. Thank God she's dead, but what she did to me will never go away completely.
@Kiyometa
6 жыл бұрын
Just wanted to say thank you for making this video. I had no idea there was a name to this particular issue. I had to take care of my two older sisters, one who has severe anxiety (didn't do as much as I wish I did) and the other an extreme case of paranoid schizophrenia when I was a small child with increasing responsibility through my teens. My mother went to nursing school and my father was kicked out when I was like 13 so it was basically just my two sisters and I. I remember us running out of food a few times because my mother got too caught up in school, forgot to get some, and didn't leave any money. I will try writing a letter to my younger self like you suggested, I KNOW I have some unresolved issues relating to my childhood, but have difficulty talking about it. Again, thank you.
@katdavies8137
6 жыл бұрын
Is this the same as having parents that are too busy with their own lives, forcing you to be your own parent?
@adrianbrogan1061
6 жыл бұрын
Kat Davies yes
@naarac.5046
4 жыл бұрын
Same here
@rebecca.g.lastsforever4084
6 жыл бұрын
I am a parentified child and having art therapy has helped put my situation and my childhood wants in perspective but I will also try the letter writing suggested in this video.
@MotherRuss1a
6 жыл бұрын
Never knew there was an actual term for this, thank you so much for making this video Katie! This was a huge problem for me growing up, at times I was allowed to be a bit of a child, but 90% of my childhood was me being taught to be an adult.
@kelkate7095
6 жыл бұрын
I had no idea this had a term... I also didn’t know this was so common. I honestly felt alone in a way. Thank you for opening up about things and not sweeping it under the rug
@rebeccam5830
6 жыл бұрын
I had to deal with all of the above in my childhood, I had to keep the house running (doing dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning) and it started around 8 I also had to take care of my younger brother, as well as have to be my parents therapist for both of them individually, and heard way to much about everything. And to top it all off I was emotionally, sexually, physically and mentally abused in different ways. I used to tell myself that it wasn't so bad that it could be worse. It's only been the last year or so that I have finally looked back at it all and see how messed up it all was. So now it's my struggle to get past it all and make sure I don't do the same thing to my children.
@LC-vx9dl
6 жыл бұрын
My mom suffers from MS and depression and used to talk to me about her struggles. I don't think she's a bad person at all and I'm not angry at her. She supports me when I'm feeling upset so I feel it's fair because we take care of one another. She's my mom and my friend.
@vfaulkon
6 жыл бұрын
I teared up a bit watching this. My mom, who's generally been very supportive and caring, has done this kind of thing to me my whole life - talking about how much she hated my dad after they divorced, constantly coming to me to vent about her money problems and stress at work...what kind of five-year-old knows how to process that? Why should a five-year-old HAVE to process that? One of the hardest parts of my therapy the past couple of years has been learning to follow the same advice in this video without being incredibly resentful to my mom, and that's probably the hardest part of the whole process.
@kavleenmarwah4373
4 жыл бұрын
I'm in tears watching this because it makes me reflect... And it's overwhelming
@SLACArt1983
6 жыл бұрын
I've never heard of this before. But it makes so much sense! After my dad's double lung transplant when I was 9, my older brother would "take care" of us younger siblings and he would be super abusive to us. My mum would vent out her day to my sister. Cool video, thanks for the insight and all you do. 💛
@malu.bb.
6 жыл бұрын
thank you thank you thank you for this. i’ve been diagnosed with c-ptsd and parentification had a lot to do with it. realizing and accepting that those things were not okay is so hard but so important to heal! i really liked the letter to/from the past idea, i’m going to bring it up to my therapist to see if i’m ready for that “exposure” phase!! ♥️
@Jelleybean18
3 жыл бұрын
Oh my goodness it’s me!! I commented on a different video about child-like behaviours in adults with childhood trauma and KZitem outed me and suggested this video xD Much love to us “model children,” taking care of our siblings (who may now basically be our kids) and being the support for our parents ❤️
@jessicapeebles
4 жыл бұрын
I have been watching your videos for a couple months now. Thank you for taking the time to create these for everyone. I have been fighting for years for counselling where I live. I finally went today and it showed me how strong I have actually become after discovering this channel. I don’t think I would have had it figured out as much as I did without you. 🧡
@jessicapeebles
4 жыл бұрын
I just realized I wasn’t subscribed! I am now. You were everywhere in my newsfeed haha. That’s the KZitem Universe telling me I needed your videos lol.
@rachelmejia753
Жыл бұрын
I was that kid, it’s so nice to see and understand how this has affected my life. My Mom has NOT changed over the years. Just yesterday she was guilting me with how my Aunts kids moved back because they were worried about her being alone after her husband died. But first of all, her husband died, and second of all I know my Aunt was a good mother. A mother who put her kids needs first,. Not a parent who’s oldest (me) had to protect her younger siblings from her mothers random flip outs when things weren’t going her way. Who took the hits to protect the 2year olds from getting it. Not a mother who abandoned her kids and tried to parent over the phone through her oldest from another state after she said she couldn’t keep her youngest with her because she caused friction between her and her new husband. Wow TMI but I think I needed that reminder. My goal is not to whine but seriously! It annoys me when people act like just because she held you in her womb she should be cherished and that if you don’t bow to her emotional whims anymore you’re a bad person. C’mon that’s just continuing the abuse of the victim. I want to get to a detached place when I think of this but man it angers me every time she tries to guilt me. It’s like sorry, you messed up your opportunity for that lovey relationship.
@alexmagalhaesdeandrade4249
3 жыл бұрын
Hi Kati! your videos have been helping me a lot! thank you so much!!!
@sammie9177
6 жыл бұрын
I've recently been talking to my therapist about this topic. I was 10 when my younger sisters were born (twins). My mom became depressed shortly afterward and my dad was working overtime every week. From then until I left for university this fall I had to be a mother type figure for them and make sure they got the things they need. Now it's hard for me to be with people my own age and just have fun and be a young adult because all I know is how to be a caregiver. I also get very clingy in relationships and even close friendships and find myself constantly wanting my good friend or significant other to take care of me. I really appreciate this video because I feel like not a lot of people talk about this kind of thing.
@1396animefreak
6 жыл бұрын
I relate to this, even though I can't remember being parentified, I always acted like an adult as a child but I think that was more to do with not having any other children around me rather than being forced into being an adult. That being said I would often get dragged into arguments about money/bills etc and have to listen to both of my parents problems with the other, even if they were just small things that we're annoying them. Thank you for the video as always
@CherylMuir
4 жыл бұрын
Really well explained - I had a couple of realizations myself! It's so damaging when our parents take themselves out of the parental role and placed us in it. May we all continue to heal and rise ❤️❤️❤️
@kayleea8358
6 жыл бұрын
Incredibly informative and something that I’ve really needed lately. Sometimes once we’ve found the issue dealing and coping with it is the hardest part. I really appreciate this video!❤️
@mariakahkaack9888
3 жыл бұрын
The colour black suits Kati's complexion so much !
@shyb7847
6 жыл бұрын
This was me before we were adopted. It's too late I'm 23 and my sisters will always have a 3rd parent. It bothers them more than it bothers me to be honest.
@Samantha-zi4to
4 жыл бұрын
Cried so hard watching this video. Iv never heard someone acknowledge what my childhood was. Or that there was a name for it. Iv never ever related to a video of yours so closely. Ty for what you do
@cadaverous6
2 жыл бұрын
I never really thought about all this until a few years ago. I’m definitely an emotional parent to my mother. Have been since I was in preschool. Recently I’ve been experiencing what I believe is burnout. I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of breaking. I don’t know what to do anymore.
@katielarisa
6 жыл бұрын
I’m so glad you touch upon this regularly, before I saw your first video about it I had no idea how much it has effected me and it makes things sort of click into place. My mum has had severe depression and anxiety on and off since I was 6 years old, I’m 22 now, and my brother was diagnosed with OCD when I was about 14, there have been times when I have had to physically hold them up when they’ve been at their lowest, or calm my brother down because it’s too much for my mum to handle (he’s 5 years older than me). My question is, is it ok to NOT want to make reparations in the relationships that have been affected by this? A lot of people’s first instinct when I try explain my feelings to them is telling me to be more open with my mum, but I know the repercussions will just be worse for me, is it ok to not want to make my relationship with her ‘better’ for the sake of my own mental health? I still often feel it’s my responsibility as she guilt trips me into thinking I’ve made her believe she’s a bad parent...
@odetteaful
5 жыл бұрын
Katie Burton I feel the same way.
@brookec1317
4 жыл бұрын
I had no clue this was a thing or that it was toxic. This is crazy and it validates me anger. Thank you
@gentiballazhi2878
5 жыл бұрын
For so long I tried to understand why I was so resentful towards my parents, but this video explains it perfectly. Thank you so much Kati for creating this video, it was a big help!
@TheHuber26
6 жыл бұрын
I feel like I need a new tshirt that says, ‘Everything important in life I learnt from Kati Morton’ #wisdombeyondheryears
@dannywholuv
3 жыл бұрын
I always thought I had a great childhood. It's taken me a list of toxic relationships to realise that wasn't quite the case. I'm a people pleaser, a white Knight type. Seeking drama filled partners. I remember my mum needing alot of emotional support though various hardships in her life and I used to console her. Alot. It's impacted me more profoundly that I thought 😕
@debbiebrog8598
4 ай бұрын
Story of my life. I understand you completely.
@saradiaz5281
6 жыл бұрын
My mind is literally blown. You have no idea how relieving, for lack of a better word, it is to finally be able to label what I experienced as a child and continue to experience as a young adult. I had no idea that the term parentified child even existed, but now that I do, it’s so comforting to know that the feelings that have resulted from that trauma are valid. I have never heard a more accurate description of myself than that of a parentified child. My father is the definition of a narcissistic authoritarian and though he refrained from physically abusing us, to this day he regularly abuses us emotionally in ways such as threatening to withhold financial support from our family unless we do as he says, or by establishing rigid and often illogical rules my siblings, mother and I are expected to follow blindly. My mother on the other hand has done her best to be a good parent, however, having experienced this type of abuse as a child and now throughout her 25+year marriage she is emotionally drained and, to an extent, views the situation as “normal” and something we simply have to accept. She expects my siblings and I to be her emotional support system whenever she and my father have issues (which is on a regular basis) yet she refuses to stand by us or offer any sort of support when the roles are reversed and we’re the ones up against my father. Growing up I had to be her confidant as I’m the oldest child and she had no one else to unload her emotional turmoil onto. Now as an adult I feel tied to my current situation because I can’t bear the thought of leaving my siblings and mother behind in that toxic relationship. I understand needing to accept that the situation is wrong and that more often than not the abuser will not change his behavior or even acknowledge the pain they’ve inflicted, but I just can’t bring myself to leave that situation and try to heal/ make a life for myself knowing that I’d be abandoning my siblings and mother (again, exemplifying the characteristics of a parentified child).
@kdavies1565
6 жыл бұрын
I never knew there was a name for this, thank you for validating my experience and allowing me to acknowledge what happened to me as a child and how i can recover/move on from this x
@Kateypops
6 жыл бұрын
My brother passed away and I became this for my parents, I had to take care of myself on my own when my parents were in hospital with him and after they were dealing with their own grief and I became emotional support and the strongest one in the family (thanks for the video)
@megabeautyification
4 жыл бұрын
Thank you. Seriously thank you. This happened to me from the age of 12-19 when new born sisters to 7 years old. It was extreme due to my mom and step father were never home and ignored my sisters and I lived in a state where I had no family. I was taken away from my good years. I never knew this was a thing and my biological father tried to build a case about this to get custody of me but the judges said it wasn’t true. Then when I was 19 I was kicked out because my mother wanted to put her cheating husband before her kids. Took me away from my sisters and them for over 4 years. I still talk to her periodically but not a lot. I now never want kids and have not gone far in life due to me mentally not my age because I lost those years. I’m 26 now and doing much better with coping but thank you for shedding light to this.
@rosey4exclaim
6 жыл бұрын
*raises hand* Parentified child here! It's such a cliche to tell someone to get in touch with their inner child, but it's helped me SO MUCH! I just celebrated my 30th birthday, and I had a "10 Going on 30" party, giving my inner child all the kids food, snacks, and games she wanted (okay, Cards Against Humanity isn't a kids game, but it made me happy anyway). I had Power Rangers, TMNT, Disney princess, and Tinkerbell decorations, and I spent time coloring before anybody showed up. It's hard being your own parent, but I've found it's worth it to treat myself as a child that needs love, nourishment, and fun. Good luck to all the other parentified children out there!
@ciaramaejoyceburkhart1994
6 жыл бұрын
I instantly started to cry.
@izzyhoare6459
5 жыл бұрын
Thank you for making a video that makes me feel understood for once. I’m going to be seeing a therapist after learning about having this trauma.
@lauraelzey6371
6 жыл бұрын
This was powerful for me! Thank you
@Monyxk
6 жыл бұрын
I am 45 years now. I am a parentified child up to this age. I had to move back in with my mom as I separating, with a 5 year old. Up to this time my mom wants me to be the parent and even breadwinner for her and my 42 year old single brother. We get into arguments cause she is so used to have my support BUT now I am a mom and my priority is my daughter. Thigs have changed and she just does not get it. Im trying to look for my own place but I feel so overwhelmed. I am even afraid to see her cause I know she is going to ask me to take care of something and I will say no. How do I handle this situation. I told her that I am not her husband and things have changed now that I am a mother, I can not be my mother's mother.
@zoenolan7247
3 жыл бұрын
I've made breakfast lunch and dinner for my family for years now, and my parents don't cook unless it's for a holiday. What I make isn't simple, either. It can sometimes take over an hour and is usually a complicated meal. My sister and I are in charge of all household chores and all my parents do is go to work usually 10-5 but do literally nothing at home. I am the emotional support for my mom and the main caretaker of my 4-year-old brother. I have been changing diapers, bathing him, getting him dressed, making sure he eats, all by myself since he was born. If he gets hurt, my mom tries to comfort him but he doesn't feel attached in that way to her, he always comes to me. When I try to bring up how exhausted I am to my parents they always say that they work so hard and this is the least I can do. Normal parents can manage a day job AND take care of their own children. I'm only 15, and my sister is 13. I have to deal with all of this on top of school.
@evanjones5790
5 жыл бұрын
This video put everything into words I couldn’t thank you for making this video 💯
@purpleghost106
6 жыл бұрын
What's the best way to avoid repeating the pattern with your own kids, if you have no idea what "should" happen vs what "shouldn't"? Like, is there a list I can look at? My future kids won't have a 'normal' childhood, because of my disabilities. But I don't want them to have a ton of extra responsibilities and burdens, simply because I didn't know what was or wasn't 'okay' to expect of them.
@deborahciampa9285
6 ай бұрын
Well you just described my childhood into my adulthood,
@lornatw
6 жыл бұрын
Hi Kati, I was wondering if you could- would you cover the mental effect adoption can have on people through their life, especially those who were very young 0-4 years (which is when attachment is developed). I feel like people believe that you cannot be negatively affected by adoption if you were too young to remember it or did not have a bad experience. Therefore we should just be grateful, but the truth is we are affected whether we know it or not. I think this is also important for parents who consider adoption to also understand. X thank you X
@Hoops-wg7bp
6 жыл бұрын
Lorna Tw oh my gosh I've gone through that exact process and going through the process of leaning about myself and the effects on my adoption. A video about that would be Amazing!
@lornatw
6 жыл бұрын
Same, it would be nice to here a fair and broad perspective on this. I'm going 20 and I've only ever been told by my family to be grateful, along with the threats as a child of being put back where I came from.
@Lucykbee
6 жыл бұрын
I think I have a really minor form of this, when my parents were divorced I was only 7/8 my Mum would talk to me about things I really didn’t need to know. It has made me resent my father a lot
@melbsgoth3015
6 жыл бұрын
thank you for this video ❤️ wish I got to have a real childhood but at least I get to have control over my adulthood 🌻
@chantalpino
4 жыл бұрын
I am crying. Thank you.
@MarkThrive
11 ай бұрын
Also, had to regulate my parents emotions. I felt like I was to be seen and not heard... Instead, my parents should have modeled emotional integration for me as a child. I realize now they didn't have the capacity... I'm 56yrs old and started Somatic Therapy/ EMDR... over a year now and have experienced for the first time integrating my emotions and getting in touch with where I'm feeling things in my body. I hope society over time can be mindful/aware how important parents need to regulate and be present in order to foster secure attachment... for the next generation...kids sake. ❤
@creamsoda9334
6 жыл бұрын
I don't know if this counts but my older sister went through some tough times during... well since middle school, and in retrospect I think I was trying hard to seem alright and mature, being the emotional support for my mom especially and being the only one who can really communicate with my sister. It all caught up later when I realized I don't know much about myself. Great to know this is a thing! Thank you
@rachelheflin0584
6 жыл бұрын
Kati thank you so much for this. I had be the parent before I was a child. I have always had outburst because I had to learn about drug addiction. I learned about sex lives and things I wouldn't do to a child. Therapy helps with all that I am dealing with.
@conriconnell9004
3 жыл бұрын
I’m currently being parentified… I’m 17 and I’m literally more of a parent than either of my parents are. My dad works abroad and is also schizophrenic, and my mom won’t get out of bed ever. I have to take care of my mom more than she takes care of me. I have to go to our local CVS to get stuff, I have to pick groceries from Peapod, I have to clean the house. My mom calls it “teaching us independence” but I think it’s neglect more than anything else. I know that she’s hurting and coping with my dad’s mental illness, but I’m still a kid and I’ve been doing this stuff for years and it’s so exhausting. If I ever contest to it she’s like “you’re paying me back for all I’ve done for you”… sorry I didn’t know this was a co-parenting relationship. If I bring it up I’m “being selfish”. I love my mom but it’s so fucking tiring AND ON TOP OF THAT, even though she doesn’t parent me or discipline me when I actually need it, she still uses her parental authority to stop me from doing stuff I want… like are you my parent or aren’t you. It’s difficult processing all of this on top of my dad’s mental illness idfk.
@cstrongman
Жыл бұрын
The frustration of being parentified, the anger... It's unreal. If you know, you know.
@runemaster8656
Жыл бұрын
It's damn near uncontrollable, but that internal parent comes in to say, "What'll getting angry do if nothing changes?". We have every right to feel the way we do.
@kayannabyrnes2759
6 жыл бұрын
Can you do a video on coping with being a child of a parentified child? My mom grew up with a pretty rough life. She was basically the only reason her brothers didn't starve or her house fall apart, cause her mom had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and her dad was in the marines, so she had to do things from cleaning the house to filing taxes at a young age. She at first did almost everything for us but now is having me watch my younger brothers nearly everyday, to the point that they accidently call me mom. I'm going to graduate high school soon and I'm scared that once I leave my family will fall apart without me cause we already have problems as is
@tattedupelizabeth5268
3 жыл бұрын
I still deal with this issue. My parents to this day do not treated like a daughter. I’m 34, I’m treated like an outsider who takes care of every need. It gets old. I feel broken, I feel like my whole life I’ve been taking care of my parents. That I have let myself down, I’m embarrassed to speak to my child self. If that makes sense.
@aikifox85
6 жыл бұрын
This was me. This was my childhood. However, I also understand that this didn't happen intentionally. I looked after my brother because I was the oldest sibling and our mother had to work evenings to make ends meet. I honestly feel like much of that experience built character and prepared me for adulthood such that I was able to bypass some of the stumbling that my peers dealt with as we moved out on our own. What I *do* resent is that I am *still* in that position, years later, looking out for parents who don't have their own lives together. But how much of that is really their fault, when many of the issues are financial or medical in nature? Between work and luck, I managed to do just a little bit better for myself than my family did -- As much as I resent it, how can I turn my back? How can I not help where I can? Where is the balance between taking care of ourselves as individuals and taking care of ourselves as a communal unit?
@odetteaful
5 жыл бұрын
aikifox85 Wow. I feel the exact same way and going thru the same experience. I am sick of my parents , specifically my mom who always complains about my Dad. Enough is enough. But I also don’t know how to clearly draw the line. I am fed up too.
@melissashows7813
Жыл бұрын
I relate to this 100% i am tired and want to focus on my own adult life, instead I do everything for my very capable mother who is retired and has all the time in the world to be independent.
@jessicathomas9405
6 жыл бұрын
I go to psr a mental health day program we have group therapy classes all day and its very helpful I could be having a hard time and very helpful to know others are going through the same things or have.
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