Last year, my grandma passed away. She was over 90 years old, living in Guangzhou with my grandpa and around the corner from my youngest aunt, cousins, great aunts & uncles. There were still rules around covid then, so my dad and aunt Doris in the US couldn't go back to visit her even as they knew she was nearing the end.
My grandparents lived in Phoenix with my aunt Doris for most of my childhood. My earliest memories with them are of visiting over the holidays to escape the snow and hanging Christmas lights on the cacti. My grandma would pinch my arms and tell me to eat more and I would try to reassure her in broken Chinese that I was doing well in school. I always knew her as 奶奶 and to this day, I still don't know her full name.
A month after her passing, my aunt Doris shared a dream she had, where she was sitting at a long table eating with a younger 奶奶. In this dream, my grandma was calm, elegant, silent, and had a perm. This was interpreted as a sign not to worry, that she was at peace and 有吃有喝.
My parents and aunt Doris were only recently able to travel back to China after the restrictions were lifted, and it's hard to describe the weight of the emotions even so many months later. So I'll end with the prayer that my aunt shared after her dream, or at least WeChat's auto-translated version of it:
May my mother be happy in heaven without pain, watching our lives in deep comfort.
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