I'm rebuilding myself from the ashes, I will rise like the Phoenix.
@secretsauceskateboarding4337
5 ай бұрын
How you doing these days? Crushing?!!
@glasshousefuture6836
5 ай бұрын
@@secretsauceskateboarding4337 hmmm... I am no longer a pile of ashes. I am a fully formed Phoenix, but it seems I have forgotten how to fly. The spark is still within me, internally. Really, I have gotten this far with the help of my mental health therapist, and so, have learned quite a bit about myself and those around me and how to interact in a better and more productive way. 🎉I, like the Phoenix, shall rise and fly in glorious flames in time!!!🎉 Thanks for checking in!!
@secretsauceskateboarding4337
5 ай бұрын
@@glasshousefuture6836 rock n roll 🎸 🤟🏽
@new__guy
2 ай бұрын
@@glasshousefuture6836fly high, friend. take the gusts, storms, and windfalls as they come :)
@glasshousefuture6836
2 ай бұрын
@@new__guy thank you for your encouragement. I'm definitely learning this pattern of 2 steps forward- 1 step back. As a newly formed Phoenix, I'm certainly attaining new heights by riding the gusts that accompany the storms, and keeping an eye out for and being appreciative of the figurative windfalls that I encounter during my rise to a higher altitude. I'm learning how to not quit entirely when things get tough, but instead, to take time for a recuperation break and then grit my teeth and keep climbing upward.
@H01143
8 ай бұрын
Working on ALL of this at 42. Very humbled.
@patcowley6378
5 ай бұрын
im 55...
@andreatorluemke4982
5 ай бұрын
Oh honey. Better now than never angel. Hugs and love ok. Ooahh❤
@bohdankaUSA
4 ай бұрын
48!!
@kris_ty685
4 ай бұрын
Also 42. Didn't realize what was going on for sooo many years. I read every self help book on the shelf. Once I figured out my attachment style and core content it was a game changer for me.
@marykavanagh9792
3 ай бұрын
65 Never too late
@Alazsel
2 жыл бұрын
Emotional regulation, humility, accountability, self esteem and a Pervasive sense of self!
@alexandrialaveaux
11 ай бұрын
This is it
@ACE1JONB
10 күн бұрын
The combination of these words have serious power. Thank you! 😊
@rominac1389
Жыл бұрын
Being an adult on the autistic spectrum makes it even harder. You feel threatened, a car honks loudly nearby and that's it. I think the goal is removing yourself from the situation when you feel the meltdown coming, but that's not always possible, so it's better to educate the people you have a relationship with so they don't take it as an offense.
@ciaraskeleton
Жыл бұрын
I'm an autistic adult too! I grew up undiagnosed, so I built up a world of unhealthy views and coping mechanisms. Now I know I'm Autistic its like you said, figuring out how to navigate the unavoidable meltdowns. We can do all the emotional work in the world, but we have those extra parts that aren't 'fixable' so we have to accept them and communicate our needs. Which takes strength! I really didn't understand any of my feelings growing up, so knowing now that I'm a 'normal' autistic person has enabled me to self actualise for the first time. My meltdown coping mechanisms are: isolate. If I can't then I shutdown completely. Can't function and often get physically sick. If I can't express what needs to be expressed, my body expresses it for me. It's shit having meltdowns but being around people who understand helps a lot. A lot!!
@alexandrialaveaux
11 ай бұрын
At some point that’s not fair to others and you are always able to blame others for how you feel.Being autistic doesn’t mean you won’t ever be able to self regulate it means it will be harder. Those are the cards we were dealt. Expecting everyone to cater to and understand you is not realistic. If awareness spreads great but you can’t just not live until that happens. I’m on the spectrum btw. We’re adults and if we want to be treated/seen as capable valuable members of society we’ll need to prove that like everyone else.
@TesriaT
11 ай бұрын
@@alexandrialaveaux You reached a very long way here from a comment saying "I'm trying to manage autistic struggles but it's not always possible in every circumstance" to you deciding that meant "I'm blaming others and am not trying to self-regulate at all." That isn't what they said. Maybe re-watch that part of the video about how we're all going to make mistakes sometimes, and then apply that to someone doing their best but still occasionally being unable to prevent a meltdown, and wanting their loved ones to understand what's happening and not think it's personal or some deliberate attempt to "get their own way."
@kellyoneill189
10 ай бұрын
I wonder if commenters had different types of meltdowns in mind. Meltdowns are not all the same. Combining ASD with insecure attachment can mean that meltdowns are actually abusive to others (swearing, name calling, throwing things, threatening,...)
@kellyoneill189
10 ай бұрын
@@alexandrialaveaux Your perspective reminds me of the author Dave Finch. 👍👍
@aruushijain8338
2 жыл бұрын
You and your content are like counselling sessions. Thank you loads for everything that you've come up with 😊
@The7thLove
2 жыл бұрын
Loads
@peters8080
Жыл бұрын
1:34 "...secure people know how to keep themselves calm regulated and present during emotional discomfort " Listening to Stephen Porges i would tend to rephrase it this way. Its not that we don't get unregulated, its that we learn to notice our state changes. If we notice that we have become unregulated, then we can seek help, self manage etc.
@banziimavusotv
Жыл бұрын
It's impossible to always be calm, especially when dealing with people who cross your boundaries. Normalize a healthy expression of anger.
@JaysonT1
6 ай бұрын
"Secure" people often can self regulate without any external help. Sounds like what you are referring to is a bridge of awareness that leads to self regulation.
@lilyfreem
4 ай бұрын
Does anyone else have so much trouble watching these videos because you feel you’ll never be able to accomplish any of this? The whole self esteem because once I know better I’ll do better part just broke me because I know better and I’m not doing better. I don’t have any hope in myself to be this kinda person :(
@Residentevil1.5
4 ай бұрын
You’re doing the best that you can right now. It’s a journey, not something you can immediately brute force through willpower. It’s good that you know because that’s one step further along. Doing better is a process, and you have to know first before you can get there.
@malky3714
2 ай бұрын
Practice self compassipn
@tuftela
2 ай бұрын
She has an entire video on how to build trust in yourself. Something we usually don't have much of when we see such a huge difference between what we know we "should" do and what we actually do.
@marshallbrown2072
2 жыл бұрын
For me, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, responding as opposed to reacting, reading Buddhists like Pema Chodron, have all contributed to the cultivation of humbleness, standing in ones truth, and the desire to grow further.
@JaysonT1
6 ай бұрын
"A warrior acts, only a fool reacts."
@thecommonsensecapricorn
Жыл бұрын
wow the "identity being threatened" part was big for me. I feel like I'm constantly trying to prove and defend my identity. it's exhausting.
@SRHisntSilent
7 ай бұрын
I feel this deeply
@mAthXjAzz
7 ай бұрын
Identity is a hoax
@Padraigp
6 ай бұрын
Thats the ego for you. Its a very fearful defensive thing. You need an awareness of your idnetity beyond the constructed ego ....beyond the fearful animal part of us and an awareness of what some people call the spiritual being
@Padraigp
6 ай бұрын
Thats the ego for you. Its a very fearful defensive thing. You need an awareness of your idnetity beyond the constructed ego ....beyond the fearful animal part of us and an awareness of what some people call the spiritual being
@patcowley6378
4 ай бұрын
@@Padraigp I named my ego "the thing... ;/ or that thing"\ It helps me diffuse the pain it creates... I say : OH that thing is acting up again... it gives me a second of conceptual space and takes the intensity out of its eminations...its emotional feelings...
@laurafortin5568
11 ай бұрын
When you spoke about the function of community to hold us accountable in our relationships etc (approx minute 11) I realized that this is portrayed very well in the TV show “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”. My kids like to watch it, and I have found myself appreciating the way the characters do exactly what you describe; how even the ones who are known for being more selfish or rude are still held within the community and they are not rejected or ostracized or exiled or cancelled! They are held to a higher standard and that causes them to (not necessarily easily, but eventually) admit error, apologize, and reconcile. There are also excellent examples of characters (i.e. Dr. Quinn, herself) who have both high self-esteem and humility to admit when they are wrong. I recommend that show for anyone who would like to see an example of exactly what Heidi described.
@LoveIsAll88
3 ай бұрын
Love this. Reminds me of the story I heard of a culture in Africa (I need to look up where) where if someone does something considered wrong by the community, they have them sit in a circle surrounded by community and everyone goes around sharing good things about them.
@azmomconnection
3 ай бұрын
Wow. I will seriously look this up for me, and my kids. Thank you for commenting!!!
@azmomconnection
3 ай бұрын
@LoveIsAll88 Wow!
@darinsmith2458
Жыл бұрын
I would say that sometimes it is ok to tolerate emotional discomfort but if it is all the time then it is not worth it..
@Zar2244
6 ай бұрын
Yes your right. I tolerated emotional discomfort for a long time, could be why I now have Ulcerative Colitis, and anxiety.
@darinsmith2458
6 ай бұрын
@@Zar2244 I do think that the body keeps the score..
@CTHD13
2 ай бұрын
Sometimes tolerating emotional discomfort is HOW you change a situation, when you’re able to speak up for yourself, and be vulnerable. Sometimes avoiding emotional discomfort means just doing what others want, or avoiding connections.
@darinsmith2458
2 ай бұрын
@@CTHD13 It sounds like either way the emotional discomfort is what is motivating us..
@nadiashanel5015
Жыл бұрын
this sounds so hard :( the trait that really stuck out to me was humility, knowing that my opinions arent superior and that my loved ones can disagree with me on some things but still be good people. I think I look for people to agree with my core values to protect myself from those who don't think the same as me. I don't want people with certain opinions around me because I think a lot of the views I don't agree with are those of abusive people and people who don't respect boundaries. I'm kind of avoiding saying exactly what I'm talking about but idk this is something I'll have to keep thinking about. I liked this video
@azmomconnection
3 ай бұрын
Wow that was really deep, especially the line about: I believe certain kinds of people disagree with my views
@shimmeringchimps3842
3 ай бұрын
Interesting. The problem with a lot of discourse today may be that we view anyone with a different opinion as inferior, evil, and abusive. We believe our demand for conformity is righteous.
@kate4781
2 жыл бұрын
Something that helped me feel less defensive/triggered when someone was displeased with my behavior: I switch my inner dialogue around my sense of self from, "I am a person who_____" to "I am a person who tries to be _____." For example, since I identified as someone who is kind (among other things), if someone brought up something that even implied I was unkind, I really struggled to own it. I can much more easily own an unkind action and learn from it after identifying as someone who tries to be kind. This is very different than when someone gets angry at an action I identify as positive, which is much easier for me to accept as a difference of opinion and, perhaps, discuss. This is just one strategy to accept that no one, including yourself, is perfect. Also, very helpful video; thank you for posting and simplifying these complex topics for us!
@helenchurch6546
2 жыл бұрын
What a brilliant piece of advice. Thank you. X
@Trying_very
Жыл бұрын
Good idea - thanks!!
@bengeophoto
Жыл бұрын
I would suggest that instead of using the language of "try to be" I would say "I practice..." I like to say that I "practice" a thing instead of identifying myself as being something or not. For example, saying "I practice compassion" allows me to be human by not always needing to be compassionate. And saying this still draws focus to compassion rather than doing so by saying "I am a compassionate person" and suffering the shame of not feeling like I'm holding up to how I identify myself when I have other emotions.
@kate4781
Жыл бұрын
@@bengeophoto That certainly is kinder wording; thanks for sharing.
@alanklm
Жыл бұрын
Are you sure this is not lying to yourself? "Kind person" and "Trying to be kind person" is two very different things. And you can't much rely on the process (of trying), to rely on yourself (and having others to rely on you, have close meaningfull interactions with you) you need some result, something of "I'm". And since you need to, I'm sure you do this, even without acknowledging it. Also it's important to acknowledge, that kind person can do unkind things from time to time, and to look unkind from others subjective point of view. Otherwise you will never became "kind person", otherwise "kindness" is just an abstract idealistic idea, not a real quality. And that's a shame, kindness is a great quality, there are real kind people.
@trishamillar
3 ай бұрын
I find it really hard to be with people that owe me an apology
@killerb255
Ай бұрын
As long as you continue to feel like a person owes you something, these steps will continue to be out of your reach. What happens when those people who owe you an apology pass away? Will that exonerate your feelings? Will it make you feel like these people "robbed" you of an apology by dying? I felt a little bit of both of these things myself depending on the situation: both exonerated and robbed, but neither of those were healthy because I realized that now I have dead people living rent-free in my head like they're zombies or something.
@universaltruth2025
Жыл бұрын
A problem is feeling safe enough to express anger or even calmly request a boundary (need/personal preference?) be respected. As a child that was probably punished in some form so we learnt to repress it and then adopted learned helplessness & become depressed. As an adult we attach to other insecurely attached people who also won’t respond in a mature way. My husband is likely avoidant (dismissive?) who rarely expresses his needs /preferences/opinions. He just stores up resentment until he overreacts. It means if I start making requests for him to respect my boundaries - he’ll immediately respond with a list of how his boundaries have not been respected (which he hasn’t verbalised) which makes me reluctant to bring up anything as I don’t want to be confronted with his list! So we both stay silent don’t say anything and just deal with the irritation as it comes up.
@azmomconnection
3 ай бұрын
Girl, yes! Why wait until I want to talk about an issue to bring up your issues? That is so selfish. Haha! It cam change but that was a pattern for years for my husband
@braxtongilbert
9 ай бұрын
Again, all of your content is so damn brilliant. Thank you for honoring your path and pursuing clarity on these topics. I heard a quote that comes to mind now. "The purpose of life is to get as close to divinity as you can, and then turn to share that with others". You are doing that! Thank you, Heidi.
@Ennpey
2 жыл бұрын
Another brilliant video! I was thinking about the topic of this video but in another context: tolerating emotional discomfort when I procrastinate. What you said about what we fear not being our identity helped me. I've analyzed some of the unregulated emotions that make me procrastinate, one of which being fear of failure. And if I stop believing that my work and its success is my identity, then I'm going to be less stressed about doing it. Loved the rest of the video and how it relates to relationships, too! ♥ Thank you!!
@restlessmosaic
Жыл бұрын
! It's Ennpey! AHHHH Ennpey is the greatest!
@Alphacentauri819
Жыл бұрын
I've also heard that procrastination is linked to the freeze (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) response. The frozen indecision due to complete overwhelm...sometimes learned helplessness and more, fueling this. This was a big "ah-ha" for me.
@edwardgreacen1833
Жыл бұрын
I've been ruminating staying with my emotions and lasting through triggers in personal relationships since listening to your youtube yesterday. The example of an upset baby's encounter with a parent focused on him or herself has been a great comfort. Finally I can recognize that feeling of helpless anger, of being deliberately misunderstood, when it occurs. But mostly I recall former times - earlier relationships - and particularly my mistakes. And - presto - today's youtube explains that NO ONE IS PERFECT. No matter how much we want to glide above the turbulence, it seems to creep up when we are focusing somewhere else. And, I start retelling the old stories - this time I allow myself a little margin for error. And guess what - if I allow myself to be imperfect - suddenly I can empathize with the other person's imperfection. Now an equitable relationship seems like a possibility.
@diamondedevil
Жыл бұрын
all of this sounds terrifying to me, im a deeply shameful person n ik its gonna take a lot of work for me to get better, n tbh im at a place where i dont even have the motivation/energy
@yveqeshy
Жыл бұрын
Ma'am you hit the nail on the head with this one. I always knew that I struggled with feeling dysregulated and afraid of confrontation within close relationships but didn't know exactly why until I started dealing with my insecure attachment (FA), and even now with all the awareness I have about emotional and nervous system dysregulation, being in fight or flight mode, hyervigilance and the subconscious comfort zone and how thoughts and beliefs affect my behaviour, I still haven't learnt how to actually pull myself out of being in my emotional brain and activating my thinking brain when in conflict to just take more control of my reaction. This work is hard, it's like as soon as I'm in conflict, my thinking brain switches off, I can't get out of that emotional reaction in a timely manner to make better choices and more gracefully
@suegoldfild8990
Жыл бұрын
Curtis Kessler. He shares how he "welcomes" the scariest things in the safety of this own space, leading to a major dissipation of the strong emotional reaction. Try it. Will make everything easier.
@sunbeam9222
Жыл бұрын
You can also look at EFT tapping, the Sedona method or how to switch from sympathetic nervous system mode ( fight or flight mode) to parasympathetic nervous system mode ( that's when your heart and blood pressure slows down and you enter a state of relaxation). All the best xx
@AnaA-ku2yt
Жыл бұрын
If you keep practicing, meditate on your calmness in any situation you can imagine, it eventually will get smoother, easier, quicker to go from reactionary (emotional brain) to calmness that YOU create (thinking brain). It can take years, decades even. This is NOT a once and done behavior to learn. Most people are reactive. Rare are those who truly keep their emotions in check but that is the goal or should be for every human, otherwise we are just acting as animals. (Which is what we all really are and why all of this controlling of emotions is so difficult.)
@pearlsb45wine
2 жыл бұрын
Awesome! I have been thinking about this in an attempt to heal people pleasing. Thank you for elaborating.
@artistlegends1728
8 ай бұрын
Heidi- I listen to you every day. You’re amazing. You’re sessions delve into the core of what I’m going through. So profoundly thankful for you🎩
@Star-dj1kw
Жыл бұрын
❤❤ excellent 5:00 love this part of a strong 💪 sense of self & how it helps one deal with being misunderstood by somebody
@shockingheaven
2 ай бұрын
I'm trying to improve myself. So tired of feeling the need of proving myself to people who won't even remember my name.
@Techyyyy
2 жыл бұрын
This is really interesting, because my friends have Fi, like me,(Introverted Feeling) and we use a name for the being grumpy or defensive behaviour, we call it Fi-offended-mode. It is just I struggle with it a lot. For me it feels like people want to change me as person and not just want to exchange my information and improve it. I'm getting better, it is also better since I'm aware, but ugh it is still hard to be not offended or upset about something you shouldn't be. Very good video! I def can take some points out of it!
@imaginationturtle5447
Жыл бұрын
Haha sounds more like you have masculine Fe
@priyankamohanty6206
2 жыл бұрын
I just wanted to thank you for uploading these videos, you can't even imagine how much my life has changed after this. Finally someone logically explaining the information in a way that my brain can actually process it rather than just giving random advices. You are really amazing ❤️
@RayW0791
Жыл бұрын
Do you want some of my loving
@Fraser777
8 ай бұрын
thank you, realising its okay to feel bad is helping me heal and grow
@evrytingelsewastaken
Жыл бұрын
All praises to the most high for working through you! You are literally saving lives. May peace and blessings and happiness be with you my sister ❤
@johnaslanides
24 күн бұрын
Thanks Heidi - all of your videos have been really insightful and valuable to me. Please keep it up !
@dbronco2032
2 жыл бұрын
Heidi - your ability to explain complex situations, behaviors, traits and how they display themselves WHILE giving advice on how to be aware and address can not be described in words. It’s simply inspiring. I am so glad I found you now, so I can say “I remember when” as you continue to gain viewership. Just outstanding. One challenge I have is the desire to send these videos to my ex GF as a way to best explain my behavior. Not to get her back per se, but as a way to say “I’m sorry” and “I am aware” and “I am committed to improving”. It wouldn’t get her back, but it may provide some closure to her, and me in sense. Your amazing - look forward to every video as a way to say on my journey.
@kimlarso
Жыл бұрын
I think that’s a great idea; She May long to know wth whilst projecting she’s moved on without care!
@amberfaille394
Жыл бұрын
I feel like the depth of this insight is so profound, especially in the field of addiction in terms of accepting sense of self that includes moments of emotional discomfort. Like to accept rather then sedate and escape the discomfort through the use of drugs and alcohol. Thank you for the excellent video as usual. I love the depth of thoughts and organization of expressing them. Incredible work!
@EsseQuamVideriSe7en
Жыл бұрын
This is a great message, but it sure shows me how far I am from not feeling crushed when the person I love most says negative statements to me. This is certainly something to aspire to, and it's not hard to see how beneficial this would be in life.
@highlysensitivepower3182
2 жыл бұрын
Brilliant, Heidi. Thank you ♥️
@fiveminnow
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this. It is so important to sit on discomfort. Topics that we face but never really know how to vocalize until seeing your videos.
@sunriseoftheheart
7 ай бұрын
Wow!! SO WELL EXPLAINED! Thank you so much! I think you hit the points so well here. It helped me a lot to grab this on a deeper level. Thank you so much and lots of regards from Germany, Isabelle
@somav8
8 ай бұрын
You say the truth like everyone else. But I love the way you say it it calms me down, instead of activating my flight senses.
@SoulfulQueerIntimacy
Ай бұрын
ALl of these are amazing. I definitely need to work on all of them. Thank you Heidi
@evergirl1231
6 ай бұрын
I want to live in a closer knit community :(
@blakemoore8063
Ай бұрын
Growing up with a very emotionally damaged single mother, she would break off communication with my sibling and I for what felt like weeks when she was reacting to some upset. For me as an 8yr to 10yr old it was tortuous for my mother to ignore me/us for days on end. The ignoring phase was normally preceeded by an intense session of corporal punishment; so intense she would have to treat our wounds with medicinal salves! The dysfunction definitely begins in the nest for some of us!
@MDanimations44
2 жыл бұрын
You really have nailed this video on the head, my sense of self in conversations is always present and I wish it wasn't, thankyou so much for the insight, I'm definitely going to implement it into my conversations a lot more! Thankyou!!
@sarahmeyers1773
8 ай бұрын
I’m fine on my own, with acquaintances, and with strangers. It’s when people who *should* know me (based on length of relationship or intimacy level) say things, get defensive, or DARVO that I lose all sense of self and reality and start just making myself crazy trying to figure out if I’m the problem and if I have to fix myself. I find it so hard to grasp my identity when people I love are telling me I’m a bad person, without any evidence of how I have caused problems.
@Oystermato
8 ай бұрын
I feel this. It’s so painful and makes you crazy, and then they use your reaction and pain to then ostracize you as unhinged
@shallnoTfear
3 ай бұрын
I learned so much from my past and how I treated my partner. I have a lot of guilt and shame and I am just trying to be better. I practice emotional regulation in all relationships now ❤
@eriku571
Жыл бұрын
I just listened to this twice, back to back and took notes. It's Brilliant! I've been working on all of these. Having a developed level of Humility definitely makes it easier and is helping me the most over all.
@nbk12nv
6 ай бұрын
Your videos always come up when I’m going through the things you mention. Thank you for the knowledge to change.
@ariekem8088
Жыл бұрын
I have difficulty with the phrase "ones I know better, I do better", because I have gained a lot of information in my live about sustainable healthy living, but this puts a lot of pressure on me to do my best. I struggle with climate change problems and it influences my live, because everything we materially consume has an impact, so you could always consume less.
@individuationportal
11 ай бұрын
2:55 Having a strong sense of yourself -- do not have an identity dependent on others 5:07 Emotional regulation 7:00 Humility
@dashtheorytv
6 ай бұрын
I'm VERY glad I found your channel
@NA-ud6qm
Жыл бұрын
"People who have a strong sense of self-esteem don't have a strong sense of self-esteem because they are never wrong. That is showing a strong sense of narcissism. Self-esteem is a stable quality that allows you to >> Practice humility >> Share yourself vulnerably >> Allow yourself the ability to open yourself up to the possibility that you were wrong, that you hurt someone, >> Know that, at the end of the day, that does not make you a bad person."
@ambria9356
2 ай бұрын
Beautiful video. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm definitely working on cultivating a strong sense of self so I'm not let down by my very human tendencies.
@AshniGupta
2 жыл бұрын
SUCH PERFECT TIMING!
@AthenaIsabella
2 жыл бұрын
Seriously omg.
@trichomaxxx
Ай бұрын
you're a great teacher! thanks for all
@bloodeadblood
Жыл бұрын
every video watch inspires me to add to the list of things I need to talk about with my therapist. thank you
@chelini260
Жыл бұрын
I am working on accountability and accepting I’m not always right. Just because I’m triggered doesn’t mean there needs to be a conflict. Learning to self regulate.
@susansagun7077
Жыл бұрын
Well said and well done! I’m 65 years old and I learned plenty and am very impressed with your content and delivery. Though I do have an anxious attachment style, I can say that years of practice really does help bring us to a healthier place. Looking forward to your next video - I subscribed!
@AprilHart
7 ай бұрын
I've been looking at my isolation after having narcissistic and various other abuse as a horrible thing, but after hearing this I was able to re-frame it as building the self esteem muscle! thank you.
@shivakami9293
5 ай бұрын
I appreciate your content so much. Thank you🙏
@stevenygabbyperez695
11 ай бұрын
"Particularily" 😂 gets me every time.
@Deep-happiness-for-all
8 ай бұрын
YES! The way others want to think about us is their own business!!
@secretsauceskateboarding4337
5 ай бұрын
Super glad I came across your channel.
@sarahg3156
Жыл бұрын
Marriage and a deeply perceptive partner are what helped me address my defensiveness and low self esteem. I hope I have done the same for him. I mean, it took alot of work and understanding on both our parts, but thankfully I can take what I learned and apply it to other areas of my life.
@AkendoR_RodnekA
7 ай бұрын
The point made around 4:35 was beyond enlightening to me. If I’m ok when I’m alone or not in a relationship , than I’ll be ok if the conversation in the relationship goes bad. I don’t have myself or prices of myself to lose. I have me. I might lose them but that’s ok because I’m an a good well meaning person who knows I was ok before the relationship and I’ll be ok. The tension drop because I don’t have myself to lose 😯 I think this did a lot for me thank you 🙏
@gregvanpaassen
10 ай бұрын
I was the mistake. Third of four children, a five-year gap to my older sibling. My younger sibling was company for the mistake, and being the youngest, the favorite. Both parents distant, family isolated being immigrants, focus on academic achievement, emotions not allowed at home. I was a sickly child and away from school a lot. I have never had a sense of belonging. I have carefully crafted a life with almost no-one in it--I hardly ever speak to my siblings for example. I don't even have to talk to anyone at work if I don't want to. At the age of 62 I've started trying to make sense of it. Even watching this video makes me distressed. But, Heidi, you reach me in a way that no other female psych KZitemr does. Thank you.
@WalkingScriptureWithShanna
Жыл бұрын
Today my therapist told me it was OK to ask my severely introverted boyfriend to give me verbal validation that his low energy need for a little space is not about me. And that it's something I'm working on but not there yet. And that in a healthy relationship, my boyfriend probably had no idea I was feeling that way and would want to know. He was right, I'm so glad I am learning to take my emotional health and needs seriously.
@madlenj.4644
Жыл бұрын
this is exactly how i feel all the time. It feels almost life threathning to admit how i feel, to be vunerable. And its exhausting for me to explain people why i do have the problems i have..so exhausting that i hav to end discussions by going away..because i´ve already learned sb is going to blow up -> means it feels emotionally more than beeing discomfortable. what you say here is exactly what i mean 3:33 " i have to proof that i´m right, i have too proof that i´m a ceartain way, i have too proof that i wasn´t doing something bad" 100% spot on...this is fight or flight mode? I didnt even know. What does this mean? Am i an aviodant person? Do i have an avoidant attatchment Style or what am I? This is also how i feel with employer and colleagues. and this drives me nus because then i can´t focus on work anymore. Imagine you would need to proof your surrounding that you don´t do something bad..you get irritated then mad, and if they still don´t stop you get angry. Of course.Its not nice beeing treated like you have to proof something...you have to validate yourself, while every other person don´t. Whle every other person gets there freedom and the right to do everything. I´m so dissapointed, frustrated, and i feel helpless. If you have read this thank you and your more than welcome to share your thoughts.
@aleciariddick7719
Жыл бұрын
Seeing my authentic self and my self-esteem and accountability.
@davidjacobs6344
8 ай бұрын
Superbly put Heidi… absolutely spot on. Much of this is not necessarily intuitive especially in the early part of life. More people need to hear the messages you have put so well. I have started doing this in the last few years ie the strength and confidence is within not in the hands of others. Keep up the excellent work. I shall look for yr future videos with interest.
@laurad1487
Жыл бұрын
No self esteem, dealing with c-ptsd and multiple instances relationship abuse
@vivvy_0
Жыл бұрын
and no friends
@vlatkaMP
Жыл бұрын
I love you “cancel culture’ explanation. Gave me whole another nuance to this issue.
@davidthomspson9771
6 ай бұрын
Outstanding video....thank you
@mbtisocialclub
2 жыл бұрын
I've been reading "attachment" and then I found your content so I ended up here to learn to be better with emotions lol
@trampersad1
2 жыл бұрын
This is so life changing and I know it’s going to be life saving when applied !!! Wow . Needed this
@jaywalks9918
2 жыл бұрын
That's helpful thanks. :-) I'll add here ias it might expand the conversation. In such situations I put my attention onto the problem rather than on my perception of my own ego. This helps to give my mind "something to do", which often occurs in those periods where I'm waiting on another or don't yet know what to do. It is the "what" can I do rather than the "why" is this happening. With my mind having a task to perform it gives it a sense of self control. Perhaps it is a distraction from feeling from the self at times idk
@helenchurch6546
2 жыл бұрын
I am with you on this. It was Heidi that helped me see that as an ESPN sitting in my own juices staring forlornly into the abyss was deeply unhelpful. Being proactive, using physical action, although it won't resolve an issue, it helps create a feeling of positive momentum that can act as a catalyst for addressing an issue in a more objective and productive way.
@charleskutner6346
5 ай бұрын
Thanks for an excellent video.
@thesoliloquist1940
8 ай бұрын
Probably it has to be thought of that a kid from like ages 0-10 is still meta-gestating inside of a parent's emotional capacity..
@nannysplace30
Жыл бұрын
You are filled with so much wisdom. Thank you for your insights!
@jenniferg6818
9 ай бұрын
Your hair is beautiful. Your content is gold.
@mapoony
Ай бұрын
Your hair color is beautiful. I like the highlight.❤
@KyriosHeptagrammaton
10 ай бұрын
My thoughts on humility is that it should regarding your understanding of the other person. This does not mean accept or tolerate unsolicted advice.
@beverlytaylor1745
11 ай бұрын
Curious if 'arriving' includes tolerating the company of a past abuser.
@thelightnessofbeing-asmr6505
4 ай бұрын
Sooooooo interesting!! Thank you!! ☺
@millievanillie9700
Жыл бұрын
amazing advice
@conkers5875
Жыл бұрын
Yes yes yes, bringing it back 💜 thanks again Heidi 🌄
@Alejandra-iv9es
Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this video! This is the first piece of content that I have watched on your channel and i'm so excited to watch your other videos 🤍 Personally I need to work on physical regulation and the first point you made about having a strong sense of self to ground you during difficult situations. Thank you again! 🥰
@philhob4317
11 ай бұрын
I was desperately alone as a child and felt separation on a daily basis. As I left home I stubbornly tried to prove myself otherwise. Emotional discomfort meant reliving that horrible feeling of separation. I try to give my emotional discomfort more space but its still very hard at times.
@jbienz
Жыл бұрын
Hey Heidi! I am really searching for more information right now on improving self-regulation. I've searched your channel and watched the one on Attunement, but I would really value additional info on specific skills that can be learned or steps that can be taken to strengthen regulation within the self. Thank you for everything that you've shared and continue to share!
@caseyfarrell5713
10 ай бұрын
Thank you , this topic isn't being talked about enough
@autumn_in_myheart
6 ай бұрын
Thank you.good job.
@Nuffsaid22
Жыл бұрын
It's been difficult for me to distinguish between a person's opinion of me and the truth however in the past year as I spent more time outside talking to people, and spending more time with kind, considerate people, I realized that negative things said about me are an opinion of me but don't mean I am a bad person. It's almost like a sudden split screen and it has really helped me navigate difficult family relationships and unkind people. Many words said are just a projection of another person's perspective and nothing implicit about you.
@Peaceinmytime
11 ай бұрын
That visualization of a split screen is helpful- thanks!
@amytv787
Жыл бұрын
This video is excellent. Thank you for these great words!
@Hipocratease
Жыл бұрын
You get it!! Thank you for teaching it!
@jessicalinger7689
6 ай бұрын
I have been following along with your videos and the path that it seems I need to go down is healing my self esteem. I am wondering if you have a playlist with the videos in order of how to heal your self esteem and anxious attachment in the order that it makes sense to do that. The reason I ended up here and in recovery in general is because of a big limerence that rocked my sense of identity. That's when I realized I don't know who I am anymore and I need help. But your videos have helped me so much in detangling the ball of yarn that I have become and I am starting to make sense of it. The ones where you lay out the steps of what to do, I write them in my journal and go back to them constantly. Thank you for sharing all of your hard work and wisdom. ❤
@terryrustad1800
10 ай бұрын
Excellent 💫
@Katrina-z1c
7 ай бұрын
This was something Guud can you do more on this topic. Is something really good to try and learn for me to get along with other people.
@bruceprigge5212
9 ай бұрын
Thank you! 😊
@kaybeejelly461
8 ай бұрын
I’ve just had a lightbulb moment. I’ve always been worried that an argument means the end of a relationship. My husband said to me every time we ever have a difference of opinion I worry he is going to leave me and he isn’t.
@conversationcorner1837
Жыл бұрын
Beautiful stuff ! ....You're very observant and have given some great ideas to avoidant people.
@sage2181
8 ай бұрын
While I agree with much of this, especially your comments on cancel culture, I also believe that when someone disrespects you either because they don't know how to be upfront or because they've changed their minds about their connection with you, it's best to block and leave the situation and person. The anxiety that mixed messages cause especially when you actually have invested in and care for someone is never ending. Taking yourself completely out of situations that no longer serve you, even when painful to do, ends up being such a mental relief and allows both you and your former partner to find what they truly want. Being devalued is a big no to me especially when the person started off so into me and present. When that consistency starts to break apart and they become inconsistent, and I know from conversation they aren't into the relationship in the way that I am, i take myself out. Sometimes I actually wish I did this the moment this is revealed instead of still subsisting with them in a push and pull where I'm being used as a placeholder. I was dating someone who had no dating experience, was on the spectrum and had I have known that from the get go I may not have even gone out with them. They were a short king I pumped up and made feel so good they developed the self esteem to then want to explore and find their fantasy unicorn women. They showed up for me through a major death and I showed great gratitude and then a few weeks later when they figured I was "healed", they made dinner and sleepover plans with me and then ignored them the day of. I blocked them from my social media and knew if they texted I would never again write back. They never texted me again so clearly they had wanted a break but did it in a disrespectful way. I was the one coming up with the cool hang out plans for burlesque shows and fondue nights. They never had anything to add to making things exciting. I was anxious up until I hit block and removed their photos from my phone after dating for months. Is that cancelling him? I think if someone starts to revoke you after being deeply intimate, it's time to block and move on. I'm all for working for relationships. I had asked to reconnect after disconnecting but he was on the spectrum and wasn't getting it. I finally had enough when he didn't follow through on our dinner plans and set myself free. I don't think people should allow themselves to be devalued by others regardless of what kind of struggles mentally the other person goes through. I have great empathy but when I start to see I'm being humiliated whether intentionally or not, I'm out.
@magdalenamieliwodzka4794
7 ай бұрын
Thank you.
@rachangel1951
7 ай бұрын
We love you too! 🩷 Thank you so much for your videos. They help me so much.
@Jean-xo3hl
Жыл бұрын
around 11:30 where you talk about the need for community and accountability... I think you're right. and here's the connection to the bigger picture... our societal issue: "Hold on to your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" - a book by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté. community is missing completely for some of us, and the problem hits a little too close to home. adolescents lack the guidance and reinforcement of a community. thus adolescent delinquency, drop out rates, even suicide and homicide rates are ever increasing... not in an even manner with the growth of the population, but increasing at an increasing rate. exponential. it doesn't JUST "take a village." I think the saying should be changed to "We require a village for our youth to acquire resilience factors that can combat against high ACE scores. if we want to combat high ACE scores (Adverse Childhood Experiences) (which are strongly correlated statistically with negative physical health outcomes for those with higher scores, even to the extent of premature death). one of the biggest resilience factors I think most of our kids lack is the support of their communities. you've hit the nail on the head, Heidi. thank you always for sharing your wisdom and learnings. You are appreciated ❤️!
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