I have always weirdly prided myself on being a calm, stoic, 'unphased' person in situations where others would freak out (even when it is warranted to react). I am now only realising that my calm response may be a result of emotional suppression because strong emotions (e.g. displays of hurt, weakness) were rejected/punished in childhood. I _ want_ to feel, but these strong emotions have been associated with rejection for so long, that I struggle to identify + feel them internally, as well as display them outwardly. I only hope I can learn to be more emotionally vulnerable with people.
@prettywhitney17
Жыл бұрын
This is so insightful. Cheers!:)
@sunbeam9222
Жыл бұрын
Same. I could also never understand how my relationship never hit the ground when I was such an unbothering chilled out self reliant cool girl 🤦😅 bloody hell I'm a DA
@Elliem32
Жыл бұрын
Totally agree. I’m amazingly calm in crisis situations, which is very helpful, but it’s definitely because I was shamed for displaying any emotion as a child. I was forced to learn how to override my emotional reactions and stay stoic because anything else was met with extremely negative backlash. This really is very helpful in life, though. I don’t ever lose my temper and I can think everything through before I display my emotional reaction, deciding who and what is safe and good for me. I would not suggest stuffing your emotions down or not letting yourself feel them, but it is nice to always be able to think my actions through before acting. @me turning my trauma into super powers 👌🏼
@maylynbayani
Жыл бұрын
Agreed. I also thought I was just pragmatic and calculating. Sometimes it does bother me because I should feel sad and I just don't.
@Junoj101
Жыл бұрын
@@sunbeam9222 "I could also never understand how my relationship never hit the ground when I was such an unbothering chilled out self reliant cool girl" here is a million $ question: would you find an emotional man attractive, a man that is more emotional than you?
@Elliem32
2 жыл бұрын
Kudos to Heidi for letting us know we’re not psychopaths for not being able to feel grief! I’ve watched lots of avoidant attachment videos on the path to healing but you’ve brought up many points I’ve never heard before! I now realize how flawed it is to think that everything is caused and needs to be fixed by me alone.
@annajahangiri4364
Жыл бұрын
I thought the exact same!
@HonoredMule
Жыл бұрын
Also resonates hugely with me, though ironically I _am_ able to feel immense grief whenever my relentless attempts at some creative pursuit fail to meet my own high standards and I'm _forced_ to accept defeat. But things just happening? No fault = no guilt. No guilt = no negative emotion.
@Elliem32
Жыл бұрын
@@HonoredMule totally agree. I imagine it’s because it’s a feeling between us and ourselves, if you know what I mean. It’s safe. No one might ever know about it.
@HonoredMule
Жыл бұрын
@@Elliem32 Good point, but I think of it slightly differently. When you learn to be so self-reliant, the only person you deem qualified to judge you is yourself. But that still leaves you with yourself, and those judgements can be both devastating and unassailable by outside opinions.
@nateo200
Жыл бұрын
I always feel grief in a very very delayed fashion. The worst feeling in the world has beenn on two occasions where I realized I was in love with a girl but my avoidant tendencies and stress at the time made it hard for me to be emotionally available so I pushed her away or let the passion die off. But yeah I always feel like its all on my shoulders and that it has to be that way for my own safety....reaching out for help is too risky....the person I love and trust might go batshit a t any moment.
@yellowboeing6030
Жыл бұрын
I’ve accepted I’ve been damaged. I’m proud of myself that I’ve broken the cycle by being a better parent to my child.
@tony7787
Жыл бұрын
This is so accurate. I have a repulsion to people pitying / feeling bad for me. For instance when my dad got diagnosed with cancer, I told 1 friend and she went ahead and told everyone we know, I was so pissed that she did that and felt like it was breach of privacy. When he died a year later, I forbid her from telling people and didn't invite her to the funeral because I didn't want to be the object of her pity. I hate it when people tell stories with the intention of me pitying them, it's different from a regular sad story. Hopefully you understand what I mean 😅
@jonrazo7912
3 ай бұрын
That sounds reasonable to me. That was crossing a boundry, not avoidance.
@estellahabal4214
2 жыл бұрын
Very well explained. I know I’m avoidant now. I repress my negative emotions to the point of dissociation
@maylynbayani
Жыл бұрын
This explains my utter disgust of people who seems to self-sabotage. My mother has always been very critical of me and others when they make mistakes. She especially hates it when you repeat a mistake that she has expected you to have learned. She has always been particular of public perception. I was always expected to be put together and to never appear as foolish but what teenager was never at some degree, foolish? As an adult, it makes sense that I dislike people who seems to keep on repeating their mistakes and those who act impulsively.
@YouilAushana
Жыл бұрын
That's just textbook narcissism. Grey rock, run, hide lol
@LYoung-et2sg
2 жыл бұрын
I feel so sad for my little childhood self 😥
@jodisherland5335
2 жыл бұрын
Same.
@Froggywitchmama
Жыл бұрын
The problem with being dismissive avoidant is thinking that you had a normal, happy childhood because you minimise the bad things. I only realised I was dismissive because of the high disgust level and the shockingly low level of emotional awareness that I have.
@chrismcevoy2503
Жыл бұрын
Don’t blame yourself for how you feel.
@KaMi-gz1il
Жыл бұрын
I’m sorry for my current self. I only have good memories from my childhood, and now I’m like what the heck happened?! 😂
@LisaSmith-yb2uz
Жыл бұрын
🥹🫂💖 i hear this
@twinklepug
Жыл бұрын
Pointing out that the disgust of certain behaviors can indicate which behaviors were discouraged in childhood.... really spoke volumes to me. I remember that when I was young and asked my parents for help with something, I was often told that they couldn’t because they were doing something else, or be scolded for asking at an inconvenient time. I think they wanted to encourage independence and self-sufficiency...but as an adult I am repulsed by “needy” behavior and I have a very difficult time asking for help or expressing my needs because I feel they are not valid or are inconvenient for others. Thank you for shedding some light on an area that needs some attention.
@Adam444Tv
Жыл бұрын
I’m sorry man… one day at time
@maylynbayani
Жыл бұрын
I feel the same. As a child, my Asian mother is very critical of me when I come off as 'childish' even as a child. It seems she has always expected me to act like an adult and would chastise me for being overly emotional. 'Saving face' was highly stressed. She also hate impulsivity and believes that one should only act if it benefits oneself. Hence, as an adult I am disgusted by people who self-sabotage and who never seems to learn from their mistakes. I am particularly aghast when people cry in public. My bestfriend one time cried in public and I felt like I wanted to run from the vicinity.
@scheitahnberg
Жыл бұрын
I get so disoriented when people complain about health, for example. "uuugh, my head hurts. I think I have a fever". And I'm just trying not to run away and not scream "what do you want *me* to do about that?!"
@Charlotte-Willow
9 ай бұрын
No empathy
@flowerbloom5782
8 ай бұрын
It’s strange cause I’m very needy but I think that’s only recently after being independent for so long. Being needy is seen as suffocating to me. Idk why but I would like having some guy wanting me but there is that ick that I didn’t know I had.
@Rich-wi7dn
2 жыл бұрын
This video is very helpful. Thank you! Not only did negative emotions have no value when I was growing up, they had negative value. Crying and anger usually resulted in receiving anger in return. It was very confusing, and what makes it worse is that I find myself repeating that pattern at times now as an adult and then feeling great shame about it. I am very uncomfortable when others express strong negative emotions. For example, I can deal with quiet sorrow or reserved tears from others at a funeral (sorry to be morbid), but loud wailing, over the top crying, and dramatic displays along those lines get me very agitated. I also overtake responsibility for everything. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and take the hits for things I am not actually responsible for. It is all very draining!
@almondmilksoda
Жыл бұрын
I totally relate to this. You aren't alone. ❤️ Sending you so much love and compassion.
@Bidenislying
Жыл бұрын
All those parents who say I will give you a reason to cry if you don't stop crying didn't help. When I fell and was told to get up and be tough. All the times I was pushed aside when I needed help.
@R0CK0Nbaby
Жыл бұрын
I've been on my self-healing journey for 3 years now and I think this may be the first time I listened to an explanation about the avoidant attachment style. I was prepping dinner as I listened and rather quickly felt angry tears rise up. As soon as the video finished, I stopped whatever I was doing and went into my bedroom and cried for half an hour. Damn, I had so much pain inside of me I had been avoiding. I definitely have always felt disgust when others showed weakness or neediness, and have never ever been able to ask others for help or share whatever hardships I'd been going through. So much pain came up in how alone and unsupported I've always felt for as long as I can remember. Thank you so much for explaining about the avoidant attachment style. I see that avoidants get a lot of hate and have seen anxious style people call them "useless, unheal-able narcissists." Ouch. I hope more and more people learn to be compassionate and patient with us avoidants. All my love and gratitude to you Heidi
@miyane447
Жыл бұрын
Yeah omg i always felt i was a psychopath for not feeling emotional or crying at super serious things but then other stuff i see on social media eg i can cry abt Its so weird
@FaithfulDreamy
Жыл бұрын
This hit home.. i just now realized I have this attachment-style and why it happened and it also stirs something up in me anytime I read or listen to anything about it but makes me cry every time because i know now how it really went down for younger me. I don’t cry at all almost never but this is so different.
@almondmilksoda
Жыл бұрын
I think I was shamed (or maybe even attacked?) for expressing negative emotions growing up, because as early as being a child/pre-teen I distinctly remember being terrified of my OWN negative emotions. Like I wasn't allowed or supposed to feel them, or that I "shouldn't" feel them because "everything in my life (currently) is OK" or that, "all my material needs are met, so I shouldn't be complaining." I knew I had deep reservoirs of rage inside me at any given time, and it scared me - enough to avoid establishing any true intimate relationships. I kept things superficial. I have always been emotionally hyper-independent, and never felt comfortable sharing my true thoughts and feelings (until very recently!). It was a very lonely, isolating existence, but I'm learning and healing now. Thank you for this excellent content.
@SpectrumOfChange
Жыл бұрын
You're awesome for working with this stuff. It is not easy.
@almondmilksoda
Жыл бұрын
@@SpectrumOfChange Thank you. I just want to be happy and to enjoy emotionally intimate, fulfilling relationships- like we were always meant to here on Earth! It's been a rough ride, and I have definitely hurt a few people along the way (unintentionally, of course, but still..), but it's getting better now. 😊✨ Awareness is key!
@FaithfulDreamy
Жыл бұрын
YES YES YES. I cried reading this because I felt every word. I actually grew up with a debilitating anxiety disorder that my parents knew nothing about and they shamed me for it and called me crazy so I suppressed it for years afraid until I grew up and found out everything. I was shamed of my thoughts and feelings .. I was always belittled and made the joke of our family as being the “sensitive and crybaby” one. Being the youngest I took all the punches. After my dad died i became so detached so Ice cold and completely numb to emotions. After my dad died my mother forced me to go live in a foreign country for 3 years (she lied about our plane ticket being 3 months) where i met the most evil man she decided to marry after being married to my dad 20+ years and endured abuse, poverty and isolation every single day … that further damaged me far beyond. Any closeness possible I sabotage it or runaway and that’s in every way. I want.. no i yearn for closeness and being intimate in every way with people and just the warmth because I have never allowed that to happen or never had it in my life. Just like you said it’s a dark lonely place.
@SpectrumOfChange
Жыл бұрын
I am so sorry@@FaithfulDreamy , noone deserves to be treated that way, at any age. That's an intense childhood to come from, with loss of a parent's life AND loss of trust or any kind of normalcy - such as it was. Wishing you the best with your journey toward warmth and closeness, with yourself and with others. I imagine you have some exceptional skills as well as exceptional wounds - not that they make up for anything! but may they serve you well nonetheless.
@FaithfulDreamy
Жыл бұрын
@@SpectrumOfChange Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot
@matthewstreacker7402
7 ай бұрын
I can’t even tell my instant emotions most of the time. I end up reading the room while I feel numb.
@katiebishop7773
Жыл бұрын
I wasn't brought up in an abusive home, but my dad was pretty gruff. I have a distict memory of being upset about something, then holding my tears in until i made it to my room so I could cry privately. My dad (who had been watching tv when I walked by and want involved) stormed into my room and yelled at me for crying. So....things make sense.
@flynnoflenniken7402
Жыл бұрын
I definitely used to have the rose-colored view of my childhood. One day I realized I'm a 34 year old socially awkward shut-in who's never been in a single romantic relationship, never been on a single date, don't really have friends anymore, and I spent some years reflecting on how I ended up here. I think it all goes back to my childhood. Didn't know at the time, but my dad had a boss who was making his life at work miserable, and he was bringing that misery back to the home and venting most of it on me. Most of my memories of back then are me sort of walking on eggshells trying to avoid being around him and avoid doing anything that might upset him. One time before I'd learned better, I got in front of him and tried to playfully and probably clumsily invite him to roughhouse with me, I would've been 8 or 9 years old maybe at the time, and he just snapped and slammed me into the wall using the full force of his strength. I went into fight or flight mode and scrambled to my bedroom and locked the door. My mom chewed him out and told him to apologize to me. He knocked on my door, I let him in, and he explained to me that I had attacked him, and he was defending himself. I apologized to him. Probably snapped at me like that because of his own childhood trauma, but I wouldn't have known that at the time (his dad and grandad used to physically abuse him in ways he never did to me thankfully). But anyway, even today I'm terrified of upsetting people, and I go out of my way to be innocuous and inoffensive as much as possible.
@fabioarruda3184
11 ай бұрын
Hello Flynn, there is a technique for letting go of past trauma that worked perfectly for me. The complete process is explained in this video: kzitem.info/news/bejne/2Zpv3KWEknhzhmUsi=xo0T6pGKYKghpRXJ I cannot stress enough how much I recommend it. This content Julien brings is so complementary to Heidi's channel I am impressed I haven't seen Julien being mentioned in the comments... Have a great healing journey! PS: Julien has other videos where he goes through the process with real people on stage. That helps to understand the process by having an instance of the process.
@artistarchives4747
9 ай бұрын
i'm so sorry
@arianaxo2905
6 ай бұрын
im very sorry that happened to you. you’re comment is already some months old, but i think what could really help you is doing nervous system regulation exercises. your body can learn through somatic experiencing to get out of fight/flight/freeze mode!
@Smalltummywonderful
6 ай бұрын
Golly, I am so terribly sorry that ever happened to you. I can relate, because I have gone through that something very similar.
@muiscnight
2 жыл бұрын
Wow a trait I hate the most in people is when they expect people to help and acknowledge them. My childhood was great in a psychical need sense but I guess it was lacking in a emotional sense. Now I know why I am such a weirdly calm person
@elsewherehouse
2 жыл бұрын
She has a gift with words. I dont know how she does it. To use an exhausted cliche, Its not just "on target", but it hits the bullseye ! while listening to her video, my eyes just started randomly leaking!
@newaccount8022
Жыл бұрын
She does it by learning and reading books and reflecting and thinking about the topics that fascinate her.😏
@Lia-jk1oj
6 ай бұрын
Literally cried through the whole video. Just learned I was a DA today after hurting a lot of peoples feelings my whole life
@malakameer6918
8 ай бұрын
I am 21 and have never had a true, ongoing friendship or relationship, and I always feel the need for these relationships is a weakness
@bobby89bobbyAb
Жыл бұрын
OMG Not only do I have an avoidant attachment style, but the example you gave with "your money is not accepted" is what has happened to me so often it really fucked me up and how I position myself in the world. I feel thats even more damaging than the attachment syle.
@helenabrojirova8067
11 ай бұрын
This is eye opening!! Now i understand why i didnt feel sad when my grandpa died and my family was in circle crying hugging and i had to force myself to cry. It didnt register that i was sad and even now when i write about it i feel sad but the moment i feel it i can see that i am activly suppressing that emotion
@flowerbloom5782
8 ай бұрын
Omg you are right. I was forcing myself to cry too cause I was afraid I didn’t care either. Lil did my child self know I was too good at suppression.
@dianaalvarado1451
Жыл бұрын
As a fearful avoidant, thank you for this video! Going through major changes and feeling like I had no one to rely or confide in pushed me to become hyper-independent. When I was younger there were some that made fun of my vulnerability and emotions, which led to feelings of shame, perfectionism and telling myself not not show emotions to protect myself from further pain. Now that I am older and have done a lot of work, I can see that there is nothing wrong with having emotions and expressing them in a healthy way. I can't control others but I can control how I feel about my emotions and I choose to honor them. If others choose to make fun, I don't have to cower in silence and retreat. I can now communicate and say "Hey that is not ok, that is hurtful."
@JoseRRodriguez
Жыл бұрын
When other make fun of our emotions tells more than they are than we are... It is a great sensor of asshole and toxic people
@kydoification
2 жыл бұрын
Brilliant video Heidi! The link between feeling overly responsible and avoidance resonates with me. Thank you for making these. :)
@sunbeam9222
Жыл бұрын
This sure is my biggest trigger, when I perceive that someone plays the victim. I have low tolerance for victim mentality mindset and now I i know why. Going to work on that. Thank you
@sarahmaisarah7076
20 күн бұрын
The whole time I watched this video, I was like 'Woah this hit too close to home'. Thank you Heidi for this video. It was very educational and is helping me grow and understand myself better. Thank you
@edward3dofficial
2 жыл бұрын
I have watched many videos about APD over the past year, but I learned so much from this one. Thank you.
@steena3955
2 жыл бұрын
I love all your videos! I came here as an INFP looking for advice. But I love all your insight on the attachment styles! Thank you for all your hard work! I always look forward to your videos, they are very healing for me ❤️ ❤️
@coffeefordinner
2 жыл бұрын
Realising I keep typing as an INTJ with an avoidant attachment style has been one hell of a motivation to try get my shit together and improve myself.
@baarbaramac
10 ай бұрын
How are u doing? ❤
@tiarachiffon8131
5 ай бұрын
I’m an INTJ as well with an avoidant attachment style! How has your journey being going for you?
@cherryonion
3 ай бұрын
I'm infp with avoidant attachment. My feelings really got buried. Explains why I thought I was intj for so long tho~
@NadaAlawadhi
2 жыл бұрын
Wow this was really insightful! Thank you so much for making this video it truly resonated with me. I have always struggled with guilt and self blame. One of my friendships blew up because when they hurt me, I immediately started to blame myself in an attempt to diffuse the situation. Which worked, but eventually I started growing resentful because they still hurt me, and they never took accountability for their actions, instead they agreed that it was all me. Anyways that friendship is rotting at the bottom of ocean and I’m glad to be over it but it helped me find my attachment style and start to reflect on my behavior and my internal world and why things are the way they are, so this truly resonated with how the situation went out of proportions. Thank you!
@shafaitahir4728
6 ай бұрын
I will definitely rewatch and take more notes. This is amazing. Best explanation and reasoning.
@JoseRRodriguez
Жыл бұрын
Fawning response I think is formed like that: "Negative emotions are forbidden but positives are buyed"...
@thelandkraken_rawr
Жыл бұрын
This whole video was absolutely mind boggling. Thankyou for sharing your content! It's helping me while I figure myself out ❤❤❤
@misstigerful
Жыл бұрын
Woah I found your video just now and if I could give it a hundred likes I would do it. I probably learned more about my ex partner in these 20 minutes than I ever did in the 8 years of the relationship. My mind is blown, thank you!
@MegasXaos
Жыл бұрын
Hmm, my mother has told me "When you got like this (I presume negatively emotional) and I child I would just hold you". I would say I am very much avoidant attachment in style. Even now, not expressing frustration as an adult is more effect than showing it. If I show it (i.e. walk away), now I'm the focus and how do we solve the frustration: you solve it by doing what I told you to do 20 times over already and have been telling you for the last 2 hours since you asked for my help. All emotions add little to no value. What possible value could I gain getting pissed off at an idiot that couldn't do something most 5th graders can do in their sleep? None... There is no value to being sad, there is no value to being happy. You just are, accept it and move one. Emotions for me, are like a city changing the banners on their street lights every week. The street works the same, the light works the same, so what it today the flags are blue and tomorrow they are red? What difference does that make? Work doesn't stop just because I'm sad, I don't get more work just because I'm happy... work just is, and I either show up to do the job or I don't.
@lindsayboss7522
2 жыл бұрын
Heidi...did find my journal!? 😆 Wow! This video is so insightful. Hard relate to so much you described. Thank you for your clear & valuable explanation!
@oboemoboe
Жыл бұрын
This vid is my childhood in a nutshell. I wasn't allowed to be tired, annoyed, sad, or angry. The only 2 emotions I was allowed to have were "neutral" or "happy".
@NomsLoots
4 ай бұрын
I know our attachment styles develop in infancy from our primary caregiver but I think mine was hardwired into my brain through rejection in relationship and friendship. I don’t think I’ve ever truly felt loved, accepted and understood - by anyone. Although I would love to be connected to people, I think it’s only at a superficial level because I’ve learnt to protect myself. A guy at church who likes me said I’m rigid. He also said he’s actually scared to approach me sometimes and I give off a vibe of a CEO. At first I thought he’s insecure and then I began to really reflect and realised he was trying to ask me to be a little nicer to him and let him in. He too could have communicated that better but I respect it in the way it was presented. It’s actually true. He’s a really kind human and I’ve seen him relate very beautifully with other people from our church so I have a level of trust for him.
@anniek6034
Жыл бұрын
Heidi your videos made me realize how much I am on the avoidant spectrum, but now I find myself in this intellectual excitement about the knowledge and again avoid feeling my feelings... 😂 I wanted to say though that the way you explain things is excellent and so eye opening. Thank you ❤
@vakarimasen
Жыл бұрын
Man, I'm so glad I've found this. It all comes together like a puzzle.
@nabysarr
8 ай бұрын
It has been helpful for me to analyze certain of my actions and decisions in relation to my avoidant attachment to gain a deeper understanding of myself and to help me recover from my trauma.
@RobbieRobinson-m9o
8 ай бұрын
Hi Heidi. Just found this presentation. I've been on a long long journey of self discovery and healing and helping others. I've recently qualified as a NLP Practitiiner and studies Neuro Science and brain functionality etc as a hobby and interest for some time. My latest passion has taken me back into Attachment Theory. I've watched a fare few youtube videos and your word choice and delivery has really struck a chord with my new understandment and incite into the subject. I can quite process all the facts as you talk quite fast with so much relevant information coming at me all at once that I have to keep stopping, rewindinging and replaying it to fully grasp every word. Please do not take this as negative reflection of you delivery. Quite the opsite. I am not quick enough to process every bit of information as a whole so quickly. I think what I am trying to say is that I do not want to miss a word you say as and fully understand it as you are soooooo on the money and inspirational. I suppose I could have just Saif...Thank you. I've subscribed for more videos but that would not have done you justice ha! Cheers.
@garyanger3141
7 ай бұрын
Thank you for such great content, and its great how you break it all down. I'm learning that it is likely that "we don't know, what we don't know" for a lot of our interpersonal challenges. Thanks again for shining some well defined light on these topics.
@JevonMyles
Ай бұрын
This video explains a years worth of what my therapist missed. She couldn't find the trauma leading to my behaviors and choices. But it's because as you put it, I couldn't see the things in my past that created the now me
@bettyluvs211
2 жыл бұрын
Another amazing explanation of attachment theory. Thank you. I love you too Heidi! I hope you're taking of of yourself.
@Monicalia
Жыл бұрын
Not only do I definitely have attachment issues, but I also am a quiet type of bpd. Negative emotions were unacceptable in my family. It was exactly the way you described it, I learned that if I expressed negative emotion, I got yelled up or punished. No one taught me how to deal with anger, so I learned to direct the anger towards myself through self-harm. I'm doing much better now BPD-wise, but I am sad that my own emotions are such enigma to me even to this day.
@elizabethmarie171
Жыл бұрын
Very well described! It's strange feeling not understanding or knowing how to cope with your own emotions. It feels very unstable. My relationship with God and knowing my true worth, combined with videos like this, are slowly making me whole.
@steliosmil6167
2 ай бұрын
This is mind-blowing emotional feedback, you offer great insights.
@sunbeam9222
Жыл бұрын
I remember very well as a child thinking if I 'm doing everything I can to be good, I will get my needs met ( is that the narrative of an anxious?), which was to feel safe and not get beaten up. I then realised no matter how " good" I am this seems to make no difference I am still feeling unsafe and get beaten up. And I guess that's when I gave up on interconnections and developped a dismissive attachment style
@Cherrykins
Жыл бұрын
I think it would depend on your dependency on people when it comes to anxious vs avoidant, if your emotions all depend on your partners & close in on the person when they're upset (anxious), VS depending on yourself & pulling away when they're upset (avoidant)
@malakameer6918
8 ай бұрын
The explanation of this character represents me perfectly. I am very cold. I find emotional girls who cling to their relationships with young men disgusting. I cannot console anyone who cries, and I feel a desire to laugh when I face this situation . I despise people who cry or complain a lot and I feel like I don't want to hear them
@EngineeringChampion
Жыл бұрын
WOW! I love your money example! That was so smart!
@lelandbobpalmer
9 ай бұрын
All of this is so spot on! You haver just described a big part of me that I have never been able to put into words - thank you! I always thought of it as me being "clever" with my emotions. Heat, but NOT heart. Almost as if my heart had to push it's way forward and fight for it's right to be there... because it IS there :) very much...just...delayed.
@karensorto5515
3 ай бұрын
Woow this really hit me. I do feel disgusted a lot of times when people complain or need a lot of support , reassurance or validation , and yes, I was never allowed to complain or cry. I don't know what being validated or reassured feels like and never thought I needed it. I'm terrified of complaining or communicating that I need something or that I'm not happy with something. I have done a lot of work and I can communicate more now but I'm still terrified when I have to do it. Also, I do blame myself for everything. I take responsibility for how people treat me and how they feel. I'm working on it but still need a lot more work to do.
@ursalaoutrageous9249
8 ай бұрын
Good grief, you described me perfectly. I had a wonderful mother, but by the time I was born she was dealing with a bipolar husband and three active older brothers. I absolutely had to be a good little girl and I can even remember trying to be a comfort to my mother. She had health problems and dealing with the chaos around her (which she did extremely well) was overwhelming to her at times. No wonder I could not stay married. My husband probably thought I was a Stepford wife.
@raekittenstiches251
2 ай бұрын
It's all so hard to listen too because it's painfully relatable 😢
@sandradonovan5991
3 ай бұрын
Heidi, you are awesome! Thank you for this.
@salivadriven
Жыл бұрын
I would frequently withdraw from a family situation or in a classroom when I felt like I wasn’t being heard, seen or validated. I was labelled a “sulker” but I didn’t know how else to manage my emotions. So nobody saw them. I still find myself shutting down in a conflict situation, although I have developed authority injustice anger issues due to my poor Relationship dynamic with my father. He was depressed, avoidant, narcissistic, and cruel.
@chrismcevoy2503
Жыл бұрын
I was never allowed to play the victim.
@angelamossucco2190
Жыл бұрын
The distinction that you make between repressing (our own) feelings versus having no feelings is so exceptionally valuable. Additionally, the distinction that you make between intentional neglect and unintentional neglect but both having the same consequence for the child when his or her perception is simply ‘neglect exists ’ is also extraordinarily valuable. Put another way, parents don’t need to attempt to harm their child through neglect in order to do so. In fact so many parents neglect their children because in order to survive in the society they cannot attend to them while making ends meet.
@michelleaguilar9612
9 ай бұрын
I know this is exactly what I have and I realize I have had a habit of putting myself in dangerous positions to see if I could get a reaction from the people around me to see if they loved me.
@TadanoCandy
Жыл бұрын
Tbh I feel like a lot of blame tends to be placed on parents, but kids spend pretty much as much time in school as they do awake at home, so these attachment styles can develop through interactions in school as well. I’m a dismissive-avoidantly attached person because: 1. I was sickly-ish with stomachaches happening out of the blue every couple of months. My mom got tired of me having health problems and blamed it on me (for wanting to eat fried food, for example). I learned to withstand the pain alone, as much as possible, until my mom found out (because the pains would make me unable to move properly and for hours). 2. In school, we were indoctrinated to look after ourselves and take care of those younger than us, while trying to cause as little trouble for the elder kids / teachers. I was painfully aware of how much trouble I caused people when I had stomach problems in school, so I also tried to calm them down alone in the bathrooms (but I’d eventually be found out because I was late to class or taking too long of a bathroom break). Yeah my bad health record pretty much single-handedly developed my avoidant attachment, ig lol I wouldn’t be surprised if other chronically ill peeps had a similar development. I still don’t tell anyone when I’m in pain, though I’m considering relying on my bf because he’s told me he’d like to be a support to me. I’m just afraid that I’ll be sick “too often” and tire him out too…
@biinniit
9 ай бұрын
It kind of hurt listening to all these possible causes and relating to more than one of them. I need to heal because I do often need a lot of things but everyone around me just assumes I'm very independent and self-reliant. And I admittedly enjoy being viewed that way.
@Yoandrys23
2 ай бұрын
I clearly remember being around 3 or 4 years old and throwing some sort of tantrum over some food I didn't want to eat. My father simply stood up and threw the ice water he was drinking in my face. I'm 39 years old and the details are fuzzy but that feeling is still clear. Neither my dad nor my mom have ever hit me but that did something if a still remember it 35 years later. No need to said but I dont tell nobody nothing. I broke with my wife because it feeled wrong that she love me more than I loved her. I know I'm gonna die alone and that looks fine to me. I feel not need to change and maybe thats the problem. Probably nobody care about this post but maybe some else learn something.
@im19ice3
Жыл бұрын
i find a lot of truth to this, i've been known to jokingly say i'm allergic to asking for help, i'm healed enough to mostly tolerate other people reaching out (though ideally i or someone else would be attentive enough to offer help to begin with) anyone suggesting i not only require help but should actively go seeking it???? urgh blehff eww no brr i just hate the thought
@Ken19700
5 ай бұрын
It's difficult to find the right videos without specific playlists
@artistarchives4747
9 ай бұрын
Hey! :') A couple of questions: 1. I have most of the avoidant attachment style symptoms (big on the disgust, etc) & relate to that waaay more than the anxious/secure/disorganised. HOWEVER, very attentive parents in my early caregiver years. Are there other ways this can develop? (Had a very blissful 0-11 years life. Teens were a bit more rocky, but everything I come across says this develops in early childhood so...what gives? 2. I see How to Do the Work in the background! Have you finished it? Would you recommend? 3. PLEASE do a video on how to heal from avoidant attachment ps. Loved your recent vid on shame, sooo good! Your videos are the ABSOLUTE BEST when it comes to attachment theory and the most amazing resource I've found. It's helped me reflect and apply and change so much. THANK YOU. I even sent your videos to my therapist. Your knowledge and breakdown is SO clear, and so in-depth. I'd be curious to know what you read/study/etc, that gives you such an amazing insight? I find it 90% better than any other psychologist I've watched on YT (even ones you've mentioned yourself) Keep doing this, it's seriously so good xx
@anthonycarbonaro7890
Жыл бұрын
You’re Brilliant.. very excellent presentation!! ❤
@anthonyterrell4952
Ай бұрын
I always knew something was different or wrong w me my whole life and finding out this is what it is makes me sad for little me but happy for future me
@RBB8S
6 ай бұрын
My parents say I had bad tantrums as a toddler which they couldn't deal with and if it was too bad they would let me calm down in my room. Then they couldn't understand why I kept everything bottled up as a teenager.
@RBB8S
6 ай бұрын
12:00 I don't exist in relation to other people.
@MB-vi8zp
Жыл бұрын
My problem is I can't remember very much of my childhood so I have no idea where any of this came from but I definitely think I have avoidant attachment style.
@Star-dj1kw
Жыл бұрын
❤ 20:17 i love this ending statement.
@jedtulman46
2 ай бұрын
Stuck the Landing. Good vidio
@AvgJane19
2 жыл бұрын
Could you sort your videos into topic based playlists? Ty 🥰
@heidipriebe1
2 жыл бұрын
Done!
@AvgJane19
2 жыл бұрын
@@heidipriebe1 tysm!!
@aceshigh5157
11 ай бұрын
do you have a video on the spectrum of avoidant attachment style? i wasn't allowed to display any kind of emotions - positive or negative. i was rejected for showing them. i actually had no idea that emotions were important (and real) until my late 30's. my emotional needs were never met, so i learned to give up, not ask, not acknowledge problems. the only way that i didn't get yelled at/criticized was when i was passive. this impacted my ability to have interests and likes. i wasn't allowed to have those either.
@mattng4707
Жыл бұрын
Dam your stuff is spot on
@Ken19700
5 ай бұрын
I barely even remember my childhood.
@Goldielcks
Жыл бұрын
Super insightful information, thank you for the video!
@batman_outoftown
4 ай бұрын
Thank you so much for this video, it is super helpful
@shaf_99
8 ай бұрын
speechless🙂 very much describes my life and myself so far
@steveymoon
Жыл бұрын
This is a fabulous video. Thank you.
@kdeuler
Жыл бұрын
You had me at butt-ton.
@The_NutritionChef
Жыл бұрын
Is it possible to have all three anxious, fearful and avoidance? Or does that mean I am FA? I find that depending on the relationship or depending on the situation I relate to all three attachment styles. I also remember my grandma sharing with my mom and me how important it is of teaching the child not to cry by ignoring them when they do cry!
@rustyshimstock8653
Жыл бұрын
An oldie, but goodie!
@leadendeath
Ай бұрын
i’m just starting to look into avoidant attachment style, and this all sounds like me except my emotions were not invalidated or rejected by my caregiver- it feels like i just didn’t feel many emotions, and still don’t! i certainly didn’t/don’t feel the need to show them. it feels like they’re optional. i was undiagnosed autistic and have what i now know is called “flat affect”, i wonder if that can still be considered avoidant or if it’s something else.
@HonoredMule
Жыл бұрын
I am very clearly dismissive-avoidant - it's an unquestionable textbook match. Yet I haven't a shred of context to explain it. That's not so say there isn't any. I have shockingly poor memory of my own childhood, especially as it pertains to interactions with others, most of all my parents, good or bad. I can dig up some trauma of course, but it's all long after my attachment style was well established. So my question is this: is it worth the trouble for me to work with my parents to figure out an origin story, or should I just focus on learning and conditioning new mental habits, or other present-focused strategies? For some present-day context, I'm in my early 40's, estranged from one parent whose post-divorce bitterness became too much for me to handle, and in very infrequent contact with the other who was an absent workaholic (i.e. either working side jobs or at home but too exhausted to interact with children) The latter has now changed from inattentive into a verbally affirming and uncritical person toward me (which is really hard to square with a person who's also well in tune with the various dog whistles of racism, tribalism, and misogeny - and I hate uncritical praise because it just cheapens the source's opinion :P). Both are religious fundamentalists and made parenting choices based on that, which I've come to resent after finally breaking the indoctrination myself (something they don't know about). I'm also fairly confident they would see such a conversation as a personal attack while clinging to ideological justifications, and in general I just don't want to engage with them on even impersonal controversial social issues any more. Yeah, I'm coaxing for the answer I want, but that is all pretty factually accurate context as best I can tell.
@VeronicaWarlock
Жыл бұрын
I identify with your first paragraph a lot, as I feel like this attachment style explains all my questions about “what’s wrong with me,” but also I can’t answer my therapist’s questions about any specific traumatic events or neglect. I guess I don’t even know what emotional neglect is like, in regard to myself. But I think your description of your parents jumps out as a totally justifiable explanation on its face of the type of specific atmosphere of neglect that could lead to this attachment style. It has made me wonder if I could also type out a description of my parents, whom I consider normal, and someone else would tell me that that’s what neglect or rejection looks like.
@MrsAngloOrtho
10 ай бұрын
Where is the other video you mentioned? About avoidance and disgust?
@Thebestsalonandbarbershop
11 ай бұрын
My partner said I’m an avoidant. But I feel like I’m secure . I don’t get jealous either
@katherineb7761
11 ай бұрын
this is sooo accurate. thank you so much
@user-iy2ns8ok9l
7 ай бұрын
Is there Any way an avoidant attachment style could be present in someone who's parents did everything "right" for secure attachment development?
@NickoseLayne
2 жыл бұрын
First I thought I was secure then I was convinced that I had avoidant attachment. But all of these things don't apply.
@cardinal_thrill5
Жыл бұрын
How can we bring up that we are avoidant with our partners?
@paradoxinmotion
Жыл бұрын
another excellent video
@AvgJane19
2 жыл бұрын
Your channel + the crappy childhood fairy.... Hot girl healing summer ☀️
@IfraahAhmed-o3m
Жыл бұрын
Thnx that explaines why I never loved a partner or felt love more like they were necessary for my sexeull needs and get children I didn't know what else to do with them
@juans8474
Ай бұрын
I love you too...
@JC-ei3ci
2 жыл бұрын
Ah crud....... now I'm questioning everything....
@Pacifica74
Жыл бұрын
I just believe people are who they are from birth. Some people are born cold and prickly.
@kendallwillis9402
3 ай бұрын
Tings cause other tings to fall like dominos
@jslnttn
Жыл бұрын
I feel bad for my younger self, but i couldnt blame my parents as well. :((
@bruceprigge5212
Жыл бұрын
Thank you! :)
@XxBigZ23xX
11 ай бұрын
Ive literally been thinking, I don't need to see any professional help yet, ill just watch some videos and do my own research. Then we got to the prideful on being self reliant part, haha. Dang...
@SauceSlave
3 ай бұрын
The "solution" is to unpair emotional validity with cause and effect. That seems irrational? If there is no objextive reasoning for me to feel an emotion, it seems impossible to allow myself to subjectively validated.
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