One of my favorite things to say as an Agender person is “Gender is a performance and I never took theater classes”
@Rain-np7tk
2 жыл бұрын
"gender is a performance and I cant find the stage"
@tammymac6067
2 жыл бұрын
@@Rain-np7tk oh fuck the show's today???
@annaphallactic
2 жыл бұрын
This is the most relatable comment that I've ever read.
@orsolyafekete7485
2 жыл бұрын
"gender is a performance, and I plan to get booed off the stage"
@bobjonas2574
2 жыл бұрын
Maybe a more technically accurate analogy would be, you absolutely hate being interpreted as performing one way or another when you aren't acting at all, and a bunch of assholes are insisting you are acting, and any time you explain you're not they deny it and say you are... And after I have written this far I have awkwardly realised this feels like a code worded description of what is likely to happen eventually even if only from just one person.
@fable3625
2 жыл бұрын
I'm not trans, but this still spoke to me. Being raised in a religious extremist cult of Christianity. Being married off so young and being abused by him for so long...running away and coming out was the most joyous time in my life. Being myself. Loving who I wanted. Presenting the way I wanted. It did feel like I was playing a role my whole life...and now, finally, I can be ME.
@keirfarnum6811
2 жыл бұрын
Nice. That’s amazing!
@1Hawkears1
2 жыл бұрын
That's an intense amount of work to get to this point. Hope you're doing well :)
@kinesin8221
2 жыл бұрын
as a fat cis woman, traditional femininity has always felt somewhat out of my grasp. i've only started to think of myself as a Woman, with a capital W, when i started feeling comfortable with the kind of woman i WAS, not the kind of woman i OUGHT TO BE. your discussion about the performance of gender is particularly relatable.
@Molscheira
2 жыл бұрын
Oooooh how I feel you! Last week I allowed myself to shave my hair - sth I thought about for a long time and felt I wasn't somehow allowed because hair is sth so gendered. I still don't feel like I am the woman others want me to be, but yeah... It get's better with every autonomous decision. Wising you the best on your journey, I'm rooting for you.
@jessjohnson998
2 жыл бұрын
Came here to make a similar comment but this covers it. Thanks for making videos like this Jessie!
@BreakingStubad
2 жыл бұрын
This is exactly what I wanted to say! I mean, this spoke to me so much as a fat tomboy that never really found her place in traditional womanhood growing up!!
@rachaelbao
2 жыл бұрын
I also identify with the Hannah Gadsby type. As she said, "Waiting for the breast fairy, but getting double from the thigh fairy instead." It's liberating to have a community that accepts team Thigh-lacine, and all body types as valid. Back in my day, I remember being bullied by other girls for having small breasts. It does help to think of them as Tommy Wiseaus now--still fun, but very different.
@sabreniamorgan9939
2 жыл бұрын
As a disabled cis woman ... same
@lorenzwinterhoff8049
2 жыл бұрын
I was born intersex. The doctors literally couldn't make a medical determination on my sex or gender. It was a choice to assigned me female or male, and it was completely up to my parents. Because of my personality and other sensory factors, I wasn't the kind to rock the boat for many years, so I went along with the female assignment fairly affably. However, I had a constant internal litany of questions about why I couldn't feel or identify with MANY things considered feminine. I was already in my mid 20s before someone was able to break throughand literally teach me how to be femme presenting, as I had previously vowed not to wear another skirt on leaving high school. I had gone to a Catholic school and never wore the girls' kilt if I could avoid it (there were rules for pants in winter etc.) My friend taught me a way I could do it and feel relatively comfortable because there were masculine coded styles that were still considered feminine enough to pass (Hooray for powersuits!). After 30 years living under the assumption that I was female, in my early 30s I got introduced to more information about my medical history, and had some hard questions to answer of myself personally and psychologically. All the questions and self-doubts about feelings and hormones or lack of, etc. are gone since I started taking testosterone and coding myself completely as male. I doubt that my high school classmates would even recognize me now, they certainly wouldn't have guessed I'd be sporting a beard!
@xilohrdz7728
2 жыл бұрын
This spoke volumes to me. As a non-binary person, assigned female at birth, I always thought about femininity as a performance. I tried everything. I tried being a tomboy, fake. I tried being super feminine, fake. The only time I felt euphoria as a young teen was that time when I was a weird genderless emo and a secretary in my school asked me, bothered and angry, “BUT WHAT ARE YOU??”. I felt attacked but also happy. Yes, I’m neither. Thank you so much for this. I think I really needed this.
@onijester56
2 жыл бұрын
I was gonna come in and steal your pronouns, but sounds like some other fae/cat had come by and snatched them long ago. Ergo, have a snack. *gives pizza*
@kaleidoscopickait
2 жыл бұрын
Relate to this so much!
@steph5630
2 жыл бұрын
Right there with you!
@ellalella1
2 жыл бұрын
Yeah, true for me as well. I am also non-binary but I am happiest somewhere between androgynous to masculine though. I can do feminine but it needs to be over the top, more like drag rather than "real" femininity.
@keirfarnum6811
2 жыл бұрын
That’s hilarious! There’s something distinctly and wonderfully subversive to confusing some old lady to that degree.
@ForeignManinaForeignLand
2 жыл бұрын
Lawd, Jessie don’t let up. Just closed out last year with a banger and I can tell already that this bout to be crazy 😮💨
@myrtleantioquia5838
2 жыл бұрын
Hi, Foreign! It's always great seeing you in the comments section. Can't wait for your next vid
@ForeignManinaForeignLand
2 жыл бұрын
@@myrtleantioquia5838 aye whatcha saying! Thank you so much. I'm coming out with a long awaited video this week hopefully lol but I'll be going live tomorrow
@ladyhoratia1709
2 жыл бұрын
finally a video about trans sexuality without it being just fear mongering or autogynephelia bullshit. we are just as sexy as cis people. we deserve to be happy in our bodies
@FrozEnbyWolf150
2 жыл бұрын
It also speaks to how normal sexuality and body positivity are frequently pathologized only when it comes to trans people. Plenty of cis women love to talk and write about their bodies, and plenty of cis men love to show off their bodies, even going so far as to take pictures and send them unsolicited. If one were using the same standards, over 90% of cis people would be autophilic. Either it's okay for everyone, or it's not okay for anyone. Besides, the way people see themselves or think about their bodies is really nobody else's business, as long as it's not hurting anyone.
@devinbarclay7497
2 жыл бұрын
Can't change your gender
@nonexistingvoid
2 жыл бұрын
@@FrozEnbyWolf150 all of this. Being trans doesn't make you any less of a person, it doesn't make you more of less sexual, and it doesn't make your body more a less appropriate to fetishize or sexualize.
@bananewane1402
2 жыл бұрын
@@devinbarclay7497 well yeah its innate, Jessie was always a girl.
@keirfarnum6811
2 жыл бұрын
@@devinbarclay7497 Of course you can change your gender. I believe in you; you’ll get there honey.
@SkuddeOuo
2 жыл бұрын
After 6 years in marriage I realized I was not a cis woman, and it all came from that joke ContraPoints made about Rowling who claimed some trans women were just confused feminine men. "I'm a woman though. Why don't you be a feminine man, Joanne??" Feminine man, masculine woman - something clicked. Always thought of myself as a masculine girl. I wore army camo pants, never wore makeup and having grown up with my two older brothers I was also not very feminine in my speech or body language either. Yet when I found myself in a group of guys, they never treated me as one of them. I must have been a girl then, I figured. Not a traditional one for sure but that never bothered me too much. I didn't enjoy my feminine aspects complimented, and to me that was just because femininity had always been the thing that separates me from my friends. It's the reason I was an outsider. So I blamed it on internalized misogyny that I just didn't like being told I was beautiful or anything. Realized I was asexual. Helped with interacting with my partner, but not with how I felt about my own body. It took a silly joke encouraging the terf princess herself to question the nature of gender for me to finally as myself: Why do I keep thinking of myself as a masculine woman, despite hating everything about me that is feminine? What if I just allowed myself to dislike my femininity, instead of seeing it as something inherent I have to live with? Why don't I be a nonbinary, JOANNE?? Idk why I typed this here but it's been a journey. My partner is super supportive, he deserves the world.
@austinluther5825
2 жыл бұрын
Congratulations! I came out as a trans man after 10 years of marriage, and my husband has been there all the way. We're so much happier! All hail supportive partners!
@austinluther5825
2 жыл бұрын
And I love that Contrapoints video. "Joanne." "Jo." "*sigh* Mother."
@keegszzz8356
2 жыл бұрын
The problem created here is that society has forced the idea on us that there is only one way to exist especially when it comes to sex and romance and it sees any deviance from this as wrong. But really we should just respect each other’s decisions even if it’s outside our understanding. I for one welcome you to the ace community, we have garlic bread.
@taeheepowers2537
2 жыл бұрын
A fellow trans masc asexual here- I went through the exact game struggle. I thought I had internalized misogyny, too. And admittedly I did. But even after working through that, I still hated being perceived as feminine. I'm glad you were able to have this realization, too c:
@kekmountain2882
2 жыл бұрын
Your life is a lie that you absorbed from a youtuber
@CorwinFound
2 жыл бұрын
The performance of femininity, as a trans guy, was super confusing. Femininity always felt highly and even exclusively performative for me but I could also see that it felt that way also for women much more naturally feminine than me. That it's so often performative I think can make it more difficult for trans men and non-binary people to separate from. Cis women can justly say, "Yeah, it's a performance, even one I often don't like. It's normal to feel that way as a woman. You aren't actually trans. You just don't like the performance." Family members basically said that to me. It took a long time for me to accept that almost no level of feminine performance was acceptable to me.
@CrumCringle
2 жыл бұрын
Its the exact same for masculinity in cis men. Cis men are often preoccupied about being seen as a man, what it means to "be a man", and hoe well they come off as ideally masculine, or their idea of ideal masculinity, which is different from person to person. Its just cis men accept that role and feel mostly comfortable playing that role, as cis women do. I was told by some guy that the reason i transitioned to a woman was because I felt inadequate as a man, but he said i should have tried being more manly instead. I transitioned Man to Woman and found that the performance of being feminine was just as challenging as the performance of being masculine, just in different ways. Since then, I've sort of stopped trying, i perform both masculine and feminine traits naturally, and don't really care as much how people see me anymore. It's just easier to let people see me as a man if they want, i don't really care because i don't identify with "man or woman". I just am... me. We all have masculine and feminine energy. It really is like a role playing game.
@bananewane1402
2 жыл бұрын
im a cis woman who doesnt actively perform femininity for me femininity is stored in the tittys
@CorwinFound
2 жыл бұрын
@@CrumCringle Interesting that you found masculinity very performative. I'm finding it very much not. Or maybe it's that the performative aspects come so much more naturally to me than when I was a woman. It could also be that I'm just not performing a lot of what is considered masculine but which is toxic. Whatever the reason I know I'd just laugh in the face of anyone who said I wasn't "Man enough." Btw, love your handle. Way to own the androgynous vibe! Do you identify as non-binary, or just done away with gender labels?
@CrumCringle
2 жыл бұрын
@@CorwinFound the latter, sorta, but i call myself a guy for the sake convenience. Not a man, not woman, not even really nonbinary, maybe genderfluid/genderqueer, but I'm just a guy, not a man, just a guy lol.
@keirfarnum6811
2 жыл бұрын
So nice of your family to define your experience for yourself. 😒. I’m so glad my rents are so open minded.
@lulairenoroub3869
2 жыл бұрын
"I didn't wanna have sex because my body and how I felt was unsexy" :'( I cannot tell you just how much that hits me. I'm very much attracted to people. I want to have sex. I just, don't want me to be there. I don't want my body to be a part of it. Pretty hard to have sex without your body being involved. I'm enby. And endy. I don't ever feel sexy. It would almost be a relief if I could put on a dress and feel that feeling. Maybe one day I'll figure it out. But for now, I've made some peace with it. It is what it is.
@knitcrochettiger361
2 жыл бұрын
i can relate to all this, i may be a gay cis male, but i am morbidly obese....i have never felt sexy or as if others desired me, but my late boyfriend told me that i desereved to be happy and feel loved
@MK-ls3bu
2 жыл бұрын
I realize this is a luxury, but if you are in a position where it is possible, perhaps have a friend whom you trust with your enby identity take you shopping? I cannot relate to what you are going through as a cis woman, but I have always struggled with feeling attractive and having someone help me style my body helped a lot. They might put you in something you wouldn't have picked, but that you end up feeling good in.
@snowdreams18
2 жыл бұрын
@@bean8672 I've never heard the term endy before but because I know enby = NB or non binary I assume that endy = ND or neurodivergent? Hopefully Lulaire can clarify
@lulairenoroub3869
2 жыл бұрын
@@snowdreams18 Yeah, neurodivergent. ADHD. There's a lot of crossover with autism. Not exactly the same thing, but yeah. It makes things tough.
@lulairenoroub3869
2 жыл бұрын
@@MK-ls3bu Just wrote an enormous thing, but this isn't therapy, so I'll just say, thank you for the suggestion, but that doesn't really work for me.
@MainelyMandy
2 жыл бұрын
Damn, that comment about having big boobs can even be seen as intentional, really hit me. Can't tell you how many times my body has been policed or punished for having big tits that have literally been at least double d's my whole life. Spot on. Great video, Jessie!
@eshbena
2 жыл бұрын
Preach it! I was a totally flat skinny kid with super short hair as a preteen. I loved Star Trek, Star Wars, Doctor Who, and dolls, and never saw any problem with that. I got mugged by puberty and have struggled to get men to look me in the eye ever since. There is this weird belief that there's an inverse ratio between boob size and brain size. I am a very smart, well educated, articulate (Autistic) person and prior to the boob fairy going way overboard with me, I got respect for my intelligence and wit. After that... It was like people thought the boobs had sucked out my brains. Guys who'd treated me as 'one of them' suddenly were wolf-whistling and coming on to me. It was one of the most terrible periods in my life as I realized that I'd never be respected by men again until such time as I aged out of being 'sexy'. I learned over time how to smack down men who treated me poorly, or women who assumed I was a 'bimbo' because of my bra size. (The Autism didn't help there, it's true.) I came to terms with a lot of the expectation put on me and learned how to overturn them, but it was an uphill battle all the way. I'm in my 50's now and I still get hit on at the grocery store in the most disrespectful ways. Luckily, I'm naturally cheerful and let my sarcasm and sense of humor do the driving, but I do really wish that just once along the way I'd found even a single man who'd see who I am rather than only seeing a body. Wow.... this was longer than I meant it to be. Sorry for the therapy session. :/
@willschneider4616
2 жыл бұрын
As a teacher, I can't tell you how much I appreciate hearing your perspective. I'm not LGBTQ+ myself, but I have students who are, and I love them all and the last thing I would want to do is visit cisnormativity on a nonbinary and/or trans student or heteronormativity on a gay student. I want them to feel safe and seen as they have fun learning. I want them to get the most out of their fleeting time as young people and enter adulthood feeling good about who they are and ready to carpe diem. Or, if they become a vetrenarian, carpe canem or carpe felis. Your experiences were clearly incredibly challenging, but know that sharing your perspective is making other people's lives a little bit better. Thank you.
@Cdr2002
2 жыл бұрын
I’m not trans but something like this means so much to me as a tool that could potentially be helpful to my girlfriend, who sometimes struggles with her euphoria and feeling like she is attractive. So thank you. So much.
@Cdr2002
2 жыл бұрын
Dysphoria* Fuck you autocorrect
@iconic9780
2 жыл бұрын
@@Cdr2002 im pretty sure she's euphoric to have a bf as supportive as you though
@Cdr2002
2 жыл бұрын
AWWWWWWWWW TYSM
@Vermillion_Treezzz3113
2 жыл бұрын
Aww, well I'm sure it means a lot to your GF that you care so much about her wellbeing. As a trans dude who hopes to find a chill partner of my own at some point, I really appreciate the cis frens along the way who wanna help me out, so I hope my boyfriend ends up being as caring as you.
@Cdr2002
2 жыл бұрын
AWWWWWWWWWW THANK YOU!
@AshAshBaby
2 жыл бұрын
This might be one of the best video essays on gender performance I've ever seen. I'm not trans or nonbinary myself, but the things you say about gender as a performance are relevant to anyone, I think. I grew up in a family of entirely cis people, but my family was very gender weird for the time- my father was the stay at home parent, my mother the bread winner, and each performed their gender in ways that sometimes mimicked the opposite. my mother doesn't wear make up and can be very domineering, my dad is quite sensitive and much more nurturing. I had a my moments too as a cis girl growing up, not understanding why I should be a certain way as I got older- why should I want to wear make up when my mom doesn't? Why do people always give me fake jewelry and baby dolls when my brother gets way cooler video games? Why can't I (as a very young child) go topless in the summer when my brother can? Our chests looked the same at 6 years old, after all. Why is it weird if I want to play football but not weird when I want to dance ballet? It never made sense to me as a child. Looking back on it now, I never felt like I wasn't a girl- I liked being a girl, I liked being with other girls and being seen as one. But damn, wouldn't it have been nice to have felt like my way of being girl was still okay? That there wasn't something deficient about me and my way of performing of my gender? As I got older this all began intersecting with my experience of being a gay woman specifically, but that's a whole other story. The trans experience, I am sure, is quite different, but I think having been a more gender non-conforming child, it's so easy to see just how much of our gender is socially constructed- even for cis people. At the end of the day there's no right or wrong way of being a man, a woman, a nonbinary or agender person- it's just about what feels right for you. It's your gender, after all. You get to decide how you perform it.
@AM-ne4uo
2 жыл бұрын
So on the one hand, 'gender' is arbitrarily imposed onto us just because of our sex, limiting and oppressing us. On the other it's a defining feature of our 'identity'. Doesn't make logical sense. Have you ever heard of the women's movement by any chance?
@mielimedina3146
2 жыл бұрын
This is also an amazing video essay on performing gender by Shanspeare, if you haven’t seen it! kzitem.info/news/bejne/xKKqmYKgb5Z5qqA
@pdpUU
2 жыл бұрын
It’s so interesting to hear other women talk about how meaningful, and even joyful, wearing dresses and makeup can be. I’m a cis woman. None of those elements are how I express my gender. I saw a lot of that stuff as patriarchal growing up. Womanhood to me was about rebellion - taking off your bra, ditching the heels in the workplace, etc. But I take for granted the ways my body performs my gender for me. I take for granted the protection that gives me. I take for granted that dresses weren’t “off limits” or associated with shame for me. Now I can see how meaningful and necessary those expressions are for some of us. ‘Woman’ is a diverse experience. I want a future where we can express our femininity with short hair, or in a suit, or without makeup, or with small t its. I want a future where we’re safe to wear full glam and high heels when we want, too. I want us to get top surgery or breast augmentation without being told we’re doing it “for men”. Makeup isn’t just for the male gaze, it’s fun! I want being a woman, in any outfit, hairstyle, body shape to be safe and free. Bodily autonomy for all of us. I love us all so much. Dang I need to find someone to talk about this with bc I wrote a whole essay in the comments. Thankful for the vid!
@rainkidwell2467
2 жыл бұрын
Screenshotted this comment.. Helpful, needed to read this
@rebeccasam3434
Жыл бұрын
Yay to all of that!
@teapotsoup2851
2 жыл бұрын
Jessie, you have every right to feel joy in your femininity. I always felt trapped in it and went through my anti-pink girly-things-hating phase because I feel no joy in the female performance I was expected to portray. Meeting trans women cured me of my girly-things-hate because I saw people who actively embraced and loved the feminine world. I realised quickly after that I love girls, I just am not one, and trying to fit that mould would only continue to make me miserable. Your joy, the joy people like you are able to feel, has given me the freedom to pursue my own joy.
@beverlyshields2399
2 жыл бұрын
I've honestly never watched anything this powerful. I broke out crying at my desk at work. Only 10 minutes in and I had to take my lunch early to cry in my car and listen to her, because I'm not out at work (or most of my friends even for that matter). Hearing this much detail about another trans person's experience helped me connect so many dots about myself. Thank you so much for this truly powerful piece
@tararose5650
2 жыл бұрын
All of my very best to you. I had about the exact same situation when the lady behind Philosophy Tube, Abigail Thorn, came out. I had gone to my Dad’s and was listening while he was another room, and broke tf down. Not being able to be open about your reality is deeply painful, and I hope when/if you choose to share this with them, your friends and family will not only accept you, but celebrate you and the joy you experience from being congruent to your identity.
@lunedez
2 жыл бұрын
This has made me reflect on myself as a trans man. When I was still in the closet I had a huge resentment for playing a feminine role. As a kid I liked dressing up and coming across as feminine, but I didn’t perceive the role as such. I just saw myself as just a guy who liked and still likes to feel pretty at times. However once I grew up and I grew up fast, that changed. People started to see me in a way that I didn’t feel like I fit. I felt like I was playing a character that no one was able to interpret correctly. While I am out now to my family they still like to force me into a role that I know isn’t right, but they see it as such because of how I express myself. Sure my role may seem unconventional to some, but it is still me. And I wouldn’t want to be or play anyone else but myself
@austinluther5825
2 жыл бұрын
I see you, man. I'm also a trans man, but I'm not hyper-masculine and have always liked both masculine and feminine forms of gender performance. When I was a kid I wanted to be like Jareth (David Bowie's character in Labyrinth). He wore make-up and knee-high boots and yet he was still a very confident man. Straddling the line of masculinity and femininity made me doubt if I was a man for a long time. Eventually I just said, "fuck it" and embraced who I am. It took about 20 years, but I got there. And I look damn good in knee-high boots.
@admiralpaco507
2 жыл бұрын
"Forced into a role I didn't want to be cast in" is such a powerful line.
@blacksun3185
2 жыл бұрын
The part about people misconstruing your performance really hit me as an agender person. Like people can't see the genius behind my performance because if I dress anything remotely like my AGAB people just assume that I AM this gender which is why a whole side of the masculinity and feminitiy spectrum has been ruined for me. I absolutely hate how dysphoric it makes me because to some extent I want to be masculine/feminine whenever I want. I have also always compared it to acting in a play, this has been my go-to example for a while now. If I were to play someone who is the opposite of my AGAB people would think "Hey that's weird that the person who isn't a man/woman is playing a man/woman" but if I played/presented someone who would be considered my AGAB they would never think that and I hate thatso much. All in all that was a very emotional but wonderful video. I am looking forward to the next part.
@AM-ne4uo
2 жыл бұрын
Why do you care so much about what other people think? I highly doubt most people think much at all about a man in a woman's role or vice versa these days. It's all been done before. It's nothing new or unusual.
@blacksun3185
2 жыл бұрын
@@AM-ne4uo I know I shouldn't care but where I live being gender-nonconforming or trans is quite uncommon, and the constant misgendering just gets to you at some point and really tears you down.
@AM-ne4uo
2 жыл бұрын
@@blacksun3185 Everybody is 'gender-non conforming'. Nobody fits neatly into these arbitrary, made up, sexist categories. That's my point. Your experience is not unique.
@raininscotland
2 жыл бұрын
As a neurodivergent AFAB I always felt that there were some secret set of rules to gender (and society in general) that everyone else was in on and I had to bumble along figuring it out by trial and error. It helped that I had a very non traditional mum who would get me the "boys" happy meal toy and let me be who I was, without the pressure to perform femininity the way everyone else seemed to want me to.
@emmanarotzky6565
2 жыл бұрын
Same about the mysterious rules that everyone else knows. But that’s not “non-traditional”, it’s just being a normal human!
@rebeccasam3434
Жыл бұрын
Uuuugh, I can sure relate to feeling like I’m having to figure stuff out by trial and error. I remember in school at one point feeling like everyone else had an instruction manual I lacked.
@CrumCringle
2 жыл бұрын
I always felt, growing up raised as a boy, growing up to be a man was just as much of a performance put on for the benefit of men and woman as the performance of femininity is a performance for men and women. I never felt that my being a boy was the default, i actually felt that being a girl was the default and that men tried so hard to prove they are the ones different, that they are the peak idea of masculine, the other from feminine. Having transitioned to a woman later on, i realized that the perfomance of femininity was just as much a performance for other women as it was for men, because in my anecdotal experience, women more harshly judged my performance, my appearance, my makeup etc, while men didn't care that much. Men saw me as a woman more than cis somen saw me as a woman. That's just my experience though.
@kaiceecrane3884
2 жыл бұрын
As transwoman as well, this is relatable
@midgetwthahacksaw
2 жыл бұрын
Holy shit! This spoke to me even through I'm a cis woman! It's like you said all the things I never knew how to say. For the last 15 years, I've just given up and decided to be my own version of what "woman" meant to me and THIS RIGHT HERE is IT!!! Thank you for saying what I couldn't, so I could understand. I'm literally crying right now. Edit: Again, I'm not trans, but being a tomboy wasn't always acceptable around other girls when I was a kid. At least, not my brand of tomboy and certainly not in the area I lived. I was bullied, of course. So, I decided to hell with everyone and chose to be me. Whatever me wanted to he or do or dress, that's what I did. Luckily I had really loving and supporting parents growing up. So I got through things ok. But seriously. Thank you for your words. Just . . . Thank you.
@AnastasiaPlantlegs
2 жыл бұрын
"Subtle reinforcement" is a big thing. I'm nonbinary, transmasc but with long hair and no physical transition. Been back with my parents for winter break, and masculinity felt so inaccessible to me that I considered physical transition for the first time in forever. I'm naturally generally androgynous, but I'm thinking I'm going to take T when I'm fully financially stable. I wonder if they would stop using she pronouns if my voice began to change.
@Tesseract_King
2 жыл бұрын
This hit hard, thank you for the openness. I have a weird relationship with feeling attractive, in a couple specific ways. I'm a nonbinary trans femme, but I have facial hair. I _like_ the way I look with facial hair, especially since I started estrogen and it got a lot softer. But I also dress like Ms. Frizzle on a daily basis. There's no societal standard for what it is to be attractive with a beard and a dress. In media, in our culture, if you look like me you're either a circus sideshow bearded lady, or a transmisogynist caricature. Even the very rare positive depictions of someone who looks like me (shout out to my girl Cheery Littlebottom) are kinda tongue-in-cheek. I'm unbelievably fortunate to be married to someone who has encouraged me every step of the way and helped me become comfortable in my skin. But even then, it's been exhausting to build my own conception of what it means for me to be attractive, brick by brick and day by day.
@maplehugger1857
2 жыл бұрын
As a non-binary person still stuck in that figuring-yourself-out-in-your-college-years phase, this whole video hits so close to home and it's so beautiful. Thank you so much.
@theforgetfulalchemist
2 жыл бұрын
being intersex, my relationship to expressing my gender has always been...hard. I had to start HRT at 14 to go through puberty and I was always aware I was doing so slower and less than my peers and that it wasn't "natural" the way theirs were. Not to mention never being able to have kids. I honestly still struggle with feeling like I'm "not a real woman" whatever that even means. One of the many MANY reasons TERFS tick me off is that I don't fit into their narrow definition of womanhood as many many women don't.
@rubyjones274
2 жыл бұрын
I’ve always internally related my femininity back to my body / the cycles of my body, physical and hormonal, because I haven’t understood or have rejected how the various aspects of my gender performance are defined as fem or masc by greater society. People see me as a woman, but I wouldn’t be offended if they saw me as a man. Listening to trans people talk about gender expression brings up so many questions for me about womanhood that my privilege has kept me from having to consider. Always a pleasure to listen to your story.
@Demon88061
2 жыл бұрын
WOW! This hit me right in the feels. Even though I'm a cis bisexual man, I relate to the whole hating your body, as I'm fairly obese, and being as big as I am, I feel like I have little control, and as I have little control trying feels very hard. It has helped me process my own emotions and made me realize how stunted I have become emotionally to survive as a black bisexual man in a middle eastern country. Thank you for this Jessie, you are an amazing beautiful soul, and such an insightful woman, glad to binge your content, keep on making such amazing content, and I shall subscribe to your Patreon, this had pushed me to do that.
@hatsterical2475
2 жыл бұрын
27:18 , I feel this as an AFAB nonbinary person. Getting complemented and called 'cute' which is a thing that sort of, feels false, because I can't see myself like that. I would rather be complimented on my masculine features. Everything else, getting complimented by those who aren't my closest, feels like a facade.
@FrozEnbyWolf150
2 жыл бұрын
I've felt the same way as an AMAB nonbinary. I only managed to get in decent shape in recent years, which was a struggle because of body image issues similar to what Jessie describes. I still present as masculine, because I only recently figured out my gender, and had never exhibited any GNC behavior growing up. The few times people have complimented me on my looks, it felt like they were talking to someone else. The irony is that I actually don't know how I'd want people to see me, or how I'd want to look. I guess I'd just prefer to be complimented for my mind, not my body.
@hatsterical2475
2 жыл бұрын
@@FrozEnbyWolf150 "I guess I'd just prefer to be complimented for my mind, not my body" same. So much same. I would, I would love that.
@phosphenevision
2 жыл бұрын
As a nonbinary afab person who is also generally read as "cute" the pandemic has been really eye opening about what social gender euphoria feels like because I've never been read as not-a-girl before except when I'm wearing a cap and a mask. Seeing people confused after already calling me Sir is even more satisfying 💀
@hatsterical2475
2 жыл бұрын
@@phosphenevision one of my dreams is to be called sir D': sir, mistakenly.
@FrankiKaye
2 жыл бұрын
Trying VERY hard not to cry on my lunch break, but it all hits home so much...
@tealduckduckgoose
2 жыл бұрын
16:36 "was my femininity something that I wanted for myself? Or because I want to be desired by others? I feel like femininity is something that I want for me, and yet femininity is supposed to be for others." As an AFAB genderqueer lesbian, I relate to this so hard. I can't really articulate why, but I felt that.
@katatat2030
2 жыл бұрын
Gender being a performance that gets criticized by the public like a play or movie would rings so true when I get IG comments like "ew I can't tell if you're a boy or a girl"
@anphha
2 жыл бұрын
As a fellow trans woman, so much of this feels relevant to me, especially regarding discomfort around expected sexual roles. In my case it was a little more complicated , as I have a rather un-masculine build (short, petite) and somewhat androgynous face, plus I was raised in a religious-conservative family, which creates its own psychological trauma. Transitioning has definitely made me feel more comfortable with the idea of sex. However, being relatively early in the process of HRT makes it a bit awkward, since I feel like I have the body shape of a 10-12 year old girl, but at least I’m getting more comfortable with my body.
@daybewitin5009
2 жыл бұрын
This video really hit close. I just feel like I need to leave my gratitude here because it's making me very emotional. I am a neurodivergent woman and I have never heard somebody discuss my problems with perception and gender expectations so well. Lately I haven't been able to stop thinking about beauty and femininity. I have always felt like that was a performance. It never came to me naturally to wear make up or high heels or put on a tight dress or have long hair or whatever. And yet I have been taught that's how I need to present to others so that they'll read me as attractive. And it's just like I am putting on a costume, and I feel like I do not wear it well. And yes, everybody says I look great but I really think they are saying it because they pity me. Because I do not feel like I look great at all, I feel like I am wearing a mask. I socially struggle because of being neurodivergent and I play this big pretending role. And I act like I'm cool and collected and hot or whatever, but actually I just feel inappropriate and ridiculous. And seeing this kind of talk in a video really really helps me to put some order in my thoughts and remembering I'm not alone. I just. I wish I could be read as attractive with things that don't feel like a performance, and I wish my natural way of acting didn't come out as strange because of my neurodivergency. I wish the world was not that strict with gender roles and so demanding, and not so neurotypical. And I wish there were more people having this conversations because I don't often get to see other lgbt neurodivergent women talking about my same struggles. Seriously this content makes existing so much easier. Thanks💛
@bananewane1402
2 жыл бұрын
Hello, I am a neurodivergent woman too. My solution is to simply not bother trying to perform femininity. I simply exist as myself and if people aren't into it then they simply aren't my people. I've been what some describe as soft butch for a while now and I have still been able to get sexual attention (and more often on my own terms, which is great). I personally think I look much more attractive in a flannel, sweatpants and ratty old T shirt than I ever would in a dress, and that's what matters. Wear what makes *you* feel comfortable and attractive.
@EZOnTheEyes
2 жыл бұрын
Currently dealing with some bad Dysphoria, exacerbated by my other ailments. Looks like this video essay will be the soundtrack to my existential dread for the foreseeable future. Thanks for making relatable videos, Jessie. They help me get through some shitty times
@dekuqueen
2 жыл бұрын
Hey, I'm right there with you. I deleted all my social media photos. Every time I looked I just felt like such a fraud.
@annalog1476
2 жыл бұрын
Jessie, you can't see it, but I am giving a standing ovation. Beautiful and heartfelt as always, but this one resonated especially well. I am cis, so the specifics are a little different, but the feeling of others insisting that I be something I'm not, couldn't be, and didn't want to be, ohhhh, yes. Nailed it. The trying on of one's true self in private, and the joy of finally taking it public...yes, yes, yes. I am very, very glad we get to see your authentic self.
@TheMightyPika
2 жыл бұрын
Growing up as a trans guy I was led to believe that as long as I hit certain milestones I'd 'be okay' and get used to the performance. It was like levels in a game - reach the ballet recital, complete prom, get a first kiss bonus before 17 (for some reason reaching these by a certain age was hugely important, like you'd lose points by year missed or something). And guess what that didn't work! The one I got stuck one was getting matried before 25 - mom kept sending these random strangers my way to marry me and we ended up becoming roudy guy friends instead. Performance is EXACTLY the right term for it.
@kiramirska3780
2 жыл бұрын
«Femininity is seen as an invitation. It’s something made for others, rather than existing for it’s own purpose for the people that wish to express it.» This is so well put. It’s something that makes me constantly frustrated, especially when I share my space with a man. I want to do my feminine stuff only for myself, I want to take rose baths, dress up, smell fantastic - only for my own enjoyment. I love being in my own bubble of femininity, these are beautiful moments when you can exist only for your own admiration. But it takes time to explain to a cis male partner, because as you said - they see femininity as an invitation. Blows their mind when you tell them that you actually want exactly the opposite 😀
@mophead_xu
2 жыл бұрын
visibly shaking upon seeing this in my sub tab bc i loooooooooooovvveeee conversations about how gender is a performance. like. top 10 topics i'll never get tired of.
@quinndawsonosgood5261
2 жыл бұрын
Yeah my therapist asked me in relation to my transition "does it feel like an act" 🤦♀️. Might be time for a new therapist lol.
@acdeeiprrt
2 жыл бұрын
Has it lived up to your hopes? 😁
@mophead_xu
2 жыл бұрын
@@acdeeiprrt I MISSED THE PREMIERE BC I WAS ASLEEP. QwQ big sad. big, big, sad.
@willowrabbit
2 жыл бұрын
hey wait a second, I came here to learn how to be sexy, not cry from how deeply this whole thing related to me and it's nice to hear similar stories
@thexalon
2 жыл бұрын
I'll just note that even when you dressed to perform masculinity, it was still very clearly to my eyes a woman wearing a Boy Scout uniform and later a suit. As for the pain of playing a part: I know a transwoman who only came out in her late 60's. She'd been playing the part of a man for decades, and it had been making her miserable, and causing serious marital and parental problems for her. Since transitioning, she's been the sweetest, kindest person you could ever imagine, someone she'd always wanted to be but felt she couldn't be.
@karabearcomics
2 жыл бұрын
I don't know if you've ever listened to Julia Serano's old band Bitesize, but your story about being closeted but being able to express yourself through being cast as a woman on stage makes me think of their song "Understudy", which is about a closeted trans girl going to an all-boys Catholic school and being cast as Ophelia in Hamlet.
@wyattcastle7225
2 жыл бұрын
Feels like something I wouldn’t benefit from watching as I am neither trans nor a woman but when this video comes out I’m probably gonna watch it anyway.
@LowlyEidolon
2 жыл бұрын
In a none serious way, But what if you were trans, then you could be a woman :o (There is a 0.000000002% chance of this comment aging well)
@thomasm123
2 жыл бұрын
I reckon you'll get something out of it anyway :)
@sharonoddlyenough
2 жыл бұрын
Nah, I'm a cis woman and it resonated with me. There's a heck of a lot of perfomative pressure on cis guys, too.
@mophead_xu
2 жыл бұрын
more info and knowledge is always beneficial!! :D
@meowman69420
2 жыл бұрын
as a trans man, i would like to talk about my experiences. i'm autistic and have adhd(and have various other neurodivergencies), so i actually didn't internalized most of what is considered to be "afab socialization" you mentioned the point of afab people being taught to preform for boys, that they are submissive for boy, their bodies are for the use of men, but i never actually internalized, nor even recognized that afab people were taught that.(implicitly or not) i can't pick up social cues, so if an older women glares at me for playing in the mud or whatever, i would just think she's a jerk, and not think she was glaring because of a perceived girl doing something considered masculine. y'know? i really only learned about that socialization when terfs were talking about how women "become" men to escape what i mentioned above. back when i was into anti-sjw stuff, i heard feminists talk about how women were taught this, and they learned to act like that, and ect., but i could never relate to the "universal girl experiences" and i would use my being unable to relate as a way to "dunk on the sjws" or whatever. where does that leave people like me? who internalized very little or no "female" socialization because of my autism and adhd? and in part because of my transness? i really internalized "male" socialization because masculinity was my ideal self. even when i was young and happy being feminine, masculinity always had such a strong allure to me. but the older, and more masculine my presentation became, the further away the *identity of being masculine* became. "boys don't cry" well, to be more masculine young me would suppress my emotions. "girls don't sit with their legs so far apart!" well, i want to be a boy so why would i internalize that? i remember when i was 9, in 4th grade, i accepted that i unfortunately couldn't be a boy(which was wrong, i am a boy), so i should try to be as boy-like as possible so i wasn't a *real* girl. i even made a character, who was a girl, but was my ideal masculine self. that character couldn't talk to girls, they only were friends with boys, loud, class clown, athletic, a troublemaker, ect. i also relate to not caring about my body, i wouldn't shower, brush my teeth, had really bad acne all over my body, ect. i had given up on happiness because being a masculine girl was never enough. nonetheless i still tried to be content. didn't work. i never factored in the possibility of being a trans man because a) i was happy being feminine when i was a child b) i thought that being trans was very unlikely because of statistics and blah blah blah faking it blah blah. 2 years ago, after a s*uicide attempt, i realized i was trans. because the methods of my attempted s*uicide wasn't the most cis girl thing. (tried cutting off my breasts) and that cis girls don't feel like a stranger in their own body, that they don't like sexism against women, not the act of *being* a woman. this is all i have to say, my phone is lagging from all that text lol. thank you, jessie, for all of your videos. :) edit: added a couple things that i forgot
@emmanarotzky6565
2 жыл бұрын
As a cis woman, I think that stuff about “AFAB socialization” is just a TERF myth. I was never “socialized” as a gender. I was socialized as a human in a society, but I didn’t grow up on an all-girls island. I was never isolated from boys or AMABs growing up so how the fuck could I have been socialized differently? It makes no sense.
@moe9868
2 жыл бұрын
The talk of taking up an unhealthy life style while trans resonates so much! I was very active as a kid and loved running and sports. But as my body began to change I became uncomfortable working out because of the way my body moved and felt when I did so. I went from winning track competitions to an almost entirely sedentary lifestyle. While I was never overweight, I felt ashamed being unable to do the things I could so easily before the longer I didn’t regularly work out. Then the shame would build from those around me being continuously disappointed in my deteriorating athleticism. I had gym teachers give me chance upon chance because they knew what I was capable of, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
@PocketDeerBoy
2 жыл бұрын
dang i relate to a lot of this! I remember being in kindergarten and playing with barbie dolls. Neither my parents or the teacher would tell me not to, so i never saw anything wrong with it. One time, the teacher did complain my dad about it, because i had gotten all of the boys to start playing with barbies and there weren’t enough left for the girls. It wasn’t until i was older, through constant messaging from my peers, tv shows, etc. that i was also made to repress it. Anyways i bought some second hand dolls and i’m sewing them some new clothes so nature is healing :D
@vvvvv9041
2 жыл бұрын
SO fitting that this began with a round of applause, that's the exact sound I heard in my head when I saw this in my notifications.
@liberpolo5540
2 жыл бұрын
Me and my Sis just finished watching this, and MY RESPECTS, I literally can't wait at all for the next video...!
@Maelstrome123
2 жыл бұрын
You are starting the year off strong. 💜 This is something I struggle with. I'm very insecure about my appearance and sex appeal. I look forward to this.
@JeannieLove
2 жыл бұрын
A couple points resonated with me. I too stopped taking care of myself and Frozen's "Let It Go" helped me gather my courage to move on with my plans. I wish we had stuff like that growing up. Also loved the pink dress, that was one of my favorite shades too.
@searchingfororion
2 жыл бұрын
I had more thoughtful ways to express my response, but instead I want to thank you for your candor and bravery to tell your personal journey in so much logical and internal emotional detail. Most people only see the "after" and are unaware of the journey - I think it's tremendously important and helpful for others to know that it's a process, and even after fully coming out it doesn't activate a magic vignette where all body and voice ideals are instantly manifested.
@elainajourney
2 жыл бұрын
12:19 is crazy relatable to me. I was downright self-destructive because I didn't care about my body for the same reasons you mentioned. Now that I have an understanding of what was going on internally I have to do a lot of work to fix as much as I can of the damage I did. Some of it will never completely be fixed. I really wish transphobes could understand this part of it more. If they did understand that, I think there would be a lot fewer transphobes.
@Sootielove
2 жыл бұрын
Your takes on gender and the surrounding subjects are some of the kindest, nuanced, and accessible takes I've found. Your sheer joy in being a woman and how beautiful and sexy you can be is incredible and weirdly enough one of the ways I know I'm not a woman, instead nonbinary. There is delight and connection in being a woman and I'm glad you can share it. (Also this video made me cry like four times)
@jlbeeen
2 жыл бұрын
That's so true. I don't normally perform on a day to day basis most of the time, that's been part of unmasking my neurodivergence, but I still feel like I have to put on a gender when walking into a washroom, like every time I have to go into the women's washroom, I put on an imaginary pink coat to convince myself that's the right one. As a kid, a lot of the time I was told to "act ladylike" even if that was uncomfortable and impractical. I didn't like it, and I'm realizing that gender doesn't have to be fitting one box, or stereotype.
@fablepardoxa2649
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this! I'm a trans man and I related to so much of what you spoke about. Particularly not caring for my body because it doesn't feel worth it. I'm trying now. I'm still waiting to get hormones but I've started to transition socially, and the moments of euphoria I've had have pushed me to start taking care of myself now. Once again, thank you for this excellent video!
@CaelTheWaxAngel
2 жыл бұрын
As a trans man this spoke to me so much. Thank you for putting my thoughts into my words
@pandorabryn
2 жыл бұрын
You are the most honest, empathetic, and self reflective person I’ve seen. You’re impressive and a wonderful example to others. You give me hope for the future. You’ve also helped me understand myself… I didn’t know until I was in my 40s that I’m autistic and non-binary.
@windowsseventy7
2 жыл бұрын
even though my personal journey of figuring out my gender has been very different and i am a trans man, i still resonated with so much in this video and it made me cry. hearing about trans people feeling sexy and confident is something that's so important to me. we deserve to feel sexy in our gender, performed the way we want it to be. thank you so much for making this, and im so excited for the next part. :,)
@samrochon1883
2 жыл бұрын
I'm a trans man, and this hits so hard. It said things that I didn't know how to put into words. I think this feeling is universal and I'm so glad you did this piece. It already has me almost crying and I'm not quite 20 mins in.
@asarogers4742
2 жыл бұрын
I'm a closeted Trans women, and this was one of the most powerful relatable things and honestly has me shaking right now because I want to send this link to everyone I know and tell them this is ME, I am this woman! I am A Woman
@lizb7271
2 жыл бұрын
The best thing about accepting myself as trans was letting go of the inner self policing of my gender and allowing myself to like things I wasn't 'allowed' to.
@slotzoffuntrue
2 жыл бұрын
Coming upon the actor allegory on my own years ago really makes the early section of this video hit hard. It was like a play by play of all the things I remember growing up that hurt so much but I never understood why. I think that part about the costume kindof binding to and becoming your body like some kind of Lovecraftian horror really hit hard. And then how everyone says you look great in it but it just feels worse and worse everytime they say it. I really appreciate listening to stories like this because it reminds me that I'm not totally alone like I thought I was.
@pandabanaan9208
2 жыл бұрын
I've had self hatred issues for a good while now and when I realised I was trans that just became another 'problem' I could use to mercilessly rip my own ego apart no different than my autism or procastination, allthough at some point I developed a form of envy where I had this bitter feeling towards people who were happy while I wasn't so I felt like dragging everyone down to my level because if I was miserable than everyone had to be, offcourse I never actually went through with it I'm to much of a softie but happyness felt like such a fantasy concept in my pessimistic mindset that it felt unobtainable Also that part about not taking part of your body as a form of revenge was painfully relatable
@lostlollipop
2 жыл бұрын
I cannot tell you how happy I am to find one of the other seven people who loved the Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog! :) Thank you for such a thoughtful, honest, and heartfelt video. Even as a cis woman, the feeling of having to “perform” your gender still resonates.
@rebeccasam3434
Жыл бұрын
I guess I’m one of the other seven! I wonder if we all get found if we get super powers 🤔😁
@broskei4163
2 жыл бұрын
I am AFAB transmasc, and I can not tell you how much the "your performance of sexiness is for others mindset" is engrained in my brain. Through being raised as a "girl" and trauma, even if no one said that, I learned that my value is the pleasure man gets out of me. That need to cater to their desires, therefore, being sexy (aka feminine in my mind) still messes with me today. Like I don't wanna be feminine or attract men as a girl, the need to do that makes me dysphoric. But, at the same time, if I don't, I will never be sexy (read that as valuable). I don't know if other trans AFAB people struggle with that, but it makes my decisions about transitioning that much harder. I hope this made sense. be kind to yourself and don't forget to drink water!!!
@Pan-optic
2 жыл бұрын
I'm nonbinary AFAB and I definitely struggle with this. Like when I was considering if I wanted top surgery or hormones there was a non-insignificant part of my brain going "but the people who find you attractive won't be attracted to you anymore if you do that." It feels really shallow, but it is really hard to unlearn you can be valued without those things. Turns out, though, even if you stop doing "girl", there are still people who will be attracted to you, and some may even be the same people.
@broskei4163
2 жыл бұрын
@@Pan-optic I completely get you. And yeah, you don't have to do girl to be attractive to others and you don't have to be attractive to be valid and loveable.
@AM-ne4uo
2 жыл бұрын
@@broskei4163 "Do girl"? What a strange statement.
@broskei4163
2 жыл бұрын
@@AM-ne4uo I'm sorry, I thought it'd be understandable and would do, since "perform femininity" was at the tip of my tongue /gen. Also, for me personally, femininity in the sexy=value sense is more juvenile and innocent. Like being traditionally sexy but without being aware of it, pretty childlike (as messed up as it is). That's why I didn't say "do woman". I hope this cleared it up.
@hannahlarge5738
2 жыл бұрын
as a TTRPGer and LARPer i'm always fascinated to hear trans people talk about their old lives in the same tone as they talk about an RP character they weren't enjoying playing [i think the first time i noticed this was when i realised trans people were not just taking a character home], and how RP can be a great place for people to play with gender roles until they are more comfortable. i'm curious if young jessie played any female D&D characters?
@JadeDRail
2 жыл бұрын
I have noticed that most AMAB asexual people I have met (who do not enjoy sex) don't give a shit what anyone think and haven't had sex because of outside pressure. And most AFAB asexual people I have met (who do not like sex, including me) have participated in sex they did not want or enjoy due to social pressure, feeling like they owe it to people and because of things like "oh it's never good the first time you have to try again" and stuff like that. I am not saying this is a general rule, just something I have personally noticed. For AFAB people there is SO much pressure to perform acts you do not with to do to please others, people you "owe" them or because it's just become "acceptable" for women to have sex to please men even if they are not enjoying it and it is very sad.
@miriamlana833
2 жыл бұрын
There are much more asexual women than men. The only way out is having more women than men in society, eventually a 55:45 percentage in births. Sounds strange, but it's true, if you also see the other side and their needs. There is nothing won if women "no more pleasing men" and more men become incels.
@caileyrookids
2 жыл бұрын
@@miriamlana833 Sources? /g
@knitcrochettiger361
2 жыл бұрын
talk about old school thinking and the way parents have an idea of what gender is suppose to be....i am a 47 year old gay cis male...i love to knit and crochet....my great grandmother on my dad's side offered to teach me how to crochet when i was 4....my dad refused to let her because in his words, "Crocheting is for girls and (Insert F word meaning sticks).".....when i was 25 i started to learn how to crochet and knit....but my point, my dad, in 1979, had an image in his head that because i was a boy i had to be a certain way....old school thinking...closed minded thinking....my dad died in 2007....i did not talk to him for the last 7 years of his life because he told me that he did not raise a (insert F word for stick) for a son....he missed out on my life....i never confirmed to him that i am gay....he'd roll over in his grave to know that i am....but i have no regrets that i cut him out of my life....just because they are family does not mean they have a right to be the source of toxicity in your life.....no one has that right.....i learned that a person should live they way they want to live, love who they want to love, and be happy....as long as you don't hurt others iit's really none of my business how you live.
@EllieFeyFox
2 жыл бұрын
12:20 This really hits me hard, because that was how I felt about my own body prior to figuring out I'm trans. I just didn't care enough to try to take care of it properly. Didn't eat well, didn't practice very good hygiene, was slowly gaining more and more weight. The sheer difference for me in my will to take care of my body now that I actually WANT to be in it and to look good in it is amazing.
@AngelMacleod
2 жыл бұрын
Once again you hit me right in the feels. This soooo much happened to me.
@brigidandair
2 жыл бұрын
Holy crap. I thought I was the only one who remembered Mystic Knights of Tir na Nog. Another beautifully powerful video Jessie. I relate to a lot in this video, and I very much appreciate all the hard work you do to discuss and put a very human face on issues of gender. I think it's often difficult for many cis people to understand what it is like for people that don't perform gender in the expected way. I continually struggle with my gender presentation and identity. Growing up as an AFAB person left me with a lot of connection to the struggle of being perceived as a woman in society, which means that I often times think of myself in that context, even though I am non-binary. I cannot avoid being perceived as a woman, so when society discriminates or places expectations upon me as such, I simultaneously strongly identify and struggle with feelings of dysphoria. What you said about feeling like the person you are expressing is a stranger hit me very hard in that context. I felt/feel like a stranger and a fraud at the same time, feeling like I need to identify as a woman to challenge the systemic injustices against women, which also affect me, but knowing that I am not one. I am very much anticipating your audience video, because a lot of my problems with my own gender experience are directly influenced by how others perceive my performance of gender. I enjoy being considered attractive, and have no strong desire to change my body, but it hurts when I am only seen as such in a feminine context because of that. I want to be able to embrace myself and what I think makes me attractive, want to wear any clothes at all that make me feel good, but whenever I dress as stereotypically feminine (which I often do, as I personally love fashion typically seen as femme), as soon as it is viewed by others as being feminine, it starts feeling wrong, just because I know that that it affirms me as a woman in their eyes. To call back to what you were saying about femme presentation being consumable, it feels like my presentation isn't for me when I present in a stereotypically feminine fashion, because as soon as I do, it feels like I become a woman to everyone around me. I can feel right and happy with myself right up until my presence is experienced by others and almost inevitably viewed in that objectified way that women constantly are, and that is what makes me dysphoric. I want to be me in a way that makes me happy, but it feels like society won't let me do that if it leans towards femininity at any point. Because I am not a woman. It has led to a lot of confusion and pain in learning who I am, and how to express my gender. I do better now than when I first began to seriously question myself, but it's something that still pops up fairly regularly. Most times I can convince myself that I am fine, and that it is for me exclusively. That I can live with people constantly seeing me as not who I am, because, after all, we all grew up conditioned to perceive other people through the lens of gender stereotypes. I can't expect anyone to break something that ingrained overnight, right? But then I always end up with something eventually finding a crack and bringing all of my dysphoria back in force. It's endlessly frustrating. Anyway, thank you again, and I hope you are having a wonderful day today.
@alisonspeelpenning9345
2 жыл бұрын
When you first reject the script, you naturally have to do a lot of improv while sussing out how to go about writing your own. When you spend so much time hiding yourself, of course it's going to take that much more exploration to figure yourself out. Beautiful essay, thank you for sharing.
@spencersine2723
2 жыл бұрын
I'm genderqueer/transmasc and this still spoke to me so much. Everything you make is so thoughtful, thought provoking, and kind, and I really appreciate your work so so much. You rock Jessie!! (and you rock those outfits too! 😄)
@LowlyEidolon
2 жыл бұрын
Remind me to watch this KZitem after it's premiered
@VinceWhitacre
2 жыл бұрын
Missing the premiere because of stupid work. Oh well, at least I have a good start to the weekend coming up.
@sharonoddlyenough
2 жыл бұрын
Now
@LowlyEidolon
2 жыл бұрын
@@sharonoddlyenough thanks, itllbe the first video I watch when I get time to myself
@sharonoddlyenough
2 жыл бұрын
@@LowlyEidolon 🌼
@tonkababic9826
2 жыл бұрын
I am cis plus size bisexual woman, but I definitively wasn't immune of feeling like I was not woman enough for many people. Sometimes I feel I try to really be as feminine as possible to feel more accepted.But as older I got I found way to accept myself and find way to be me and feel happiness.Hearing your story just made me feel some warmth I can not explain and I feel for many others.
@BellamyJay
2 жыл бұрын
Very excited to watch this! Thank you for your thoughts, Jessie!
@FloorFerret
2 жыл бұрын
To quote the Dean "This better not awaken anything in me"
@jdoe7252
2 жыл бұрын
Imma be real, chief, as a still-crying-in-the-closet transfem this all hit a lot closer to home than I expected but in a weirdly therapeutic sort way? Maybe that's the wrong word...Like, to see that someone went through all the struggles that I'm going through(Including a few that I never hear anyone else talk about) and still managed to come out the other side, it just makes me feel a bit better. Like you said exactly how I feel without me having to tell anyone else? I really can't put it into words at all but I really appreciate it. I may only be in the middle of this tunnel but it's nice to know there's light at the end.
@cherrytree7937
2 жыл бұрын
As a genderfluid/agender neurodivergent asexual lesbian, I really wanna say thank you for this video, for putting yourself out and sharing your experience with us in such a deep and poetic, yet extremely realistic way. I feel like this could really help so many people :) Btw, you're really gorgeous and I absolutely love your way of speaking and storytelling, I think you could be a great actress!
@kaleidoscopickait
2 жыл бұрын
This video made me so emotional in a good way. Recently I figured out that I was non-binary after years (my whole life!) of feeling out of place in my body. Your videos have helped me so much and you telling us about the courage it took to be yourself means so much to me. Thank you for all you do, you are a treasure.
@AutobotChick25
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. I’m glad you had friends like that to help you start living as your genuine self!
@christenf1160
2 жыл бұрын
I was raised as a cis female but never fully felt I could inhabit the idea of one single interpretation of gender, but I also couldn't ignore how the world revilced around it for me and so many other pope people. The way you speak about gender and sexuality with such a broad scope and such inclusion of all experiences is extremely affirming. You, and your channel is amazing and I'm grateful to hear video essays like this.
@naomistarlight6178
2 жыл бұрын
It's also important to talk about how gender is not universal, and what signifies "masculine" in one culture could mean "feminine" or "not gendered" in another. A lot of people grew up with western culture and contemporary capitalism dominating how they see gender.
@ArcticWolfe84
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for continuing to be so open about your thoughts and experiences, Jessie. I'm glad that you're here to share them.
@utueliel
6 ай бұрын
"It's not like I existed much as it was." Feels. For a long time I tended to dress cute and act as quiet and gentle as possible, and that... was basically my social presence. I felt like I needed to hide all of my features that were not this thing called 'gentle' - I felt like opening my mouth at all would make me seem rude or selfish. So I erased myself. For the next 20 years. Funny how realising I'm a trans dude came with an instant shift in how I present myself and how I attend in social situations. Not that it would be all, I have a lot of other trauma to go through as well, but I actually _have courage to not be as invisible anymore._
@utueliel
6 ай бұрын
Also: This went right into my list of favourite videos. Thank you.
@Heffeth
2 жыл бұрын
This "feminity as a performance for the benefit of others" rings so true. I would have never found the words as a child, but as soon as I had my first experiences at school, I started to detest what others wanted me to be and behave like. I stopoed wearing skirts, cropped my hair very short, got into fistfights with boys and hated my boobs when they started to grow. Not because I was a boy but because I hated the role girls were meant to play. Later I got the nickname of "it" and never found a healthy relationship because all boys seemed just to be there to dominate me and hinder me in what I really wanted to do. It took me till university till I realised that with this radical "anti"-behaviour I was still influenced very much by what people thought of me. I grew out my hair and bought my first summer dress which I still have and love dearly. Now, one day from my 40th birthday, I'm in a relationship with a caring, sensitive man who has longer hair, more shoes and more skirts than me. We are both cis-hetero as far as I can tell, but we like to "perform" on our own terms. Love your content and this video especially because it speaks to everyone. Keep up the great work!
@hokutoulrik7345
2 жыл бұрын
Trans femme vet here. I can attest that being in the military was definitely an attempt to be 'manly'. I mean I was good at my job, I was actually more comfortable on the combat deployments I went on than I was at home station, but the performance of being male was exhausting and took a toll on me. I started to crossdress in the privacy of my home and one Halloween, and it felt great. I had to purge the clothes I had when I got out and moved back in with my parents, which was a whole mess of gaslighting and psychological abuse issues, but after I had moved in with my now wife when we were dating, i eventually felt comfortable enough to come out about that part of me and i was able to dress up when I was home by myself. And let me tell you, taking off the make-up and clothes eventually got to be a major gut punch every time. I came to realize (though I didn't crack for a long time still) that I wasn't taking off a mask, I was putting one on. It wasn't until I found out that the VA would help with transitioning that I really put thought into it. Of course becoming a truck driver and the days on end by myself gave me a lot of time to think. I did eventually come out to my wife, and boy was that anticlimactic, whose response was 'I'm not surprised and was expecting you to come out at some point'. All that stress and worry I put myself under for nothing. But now I have been doing speech therapy for about a year and some change and I am hopefully going to be starting HRT soon. I am finally starting to be happy with who I am, to hell with the haters.
@Rose_tinted_heart_eyes
2 жыл бұрын
As someone who just barely realized that they are trans literally 2 days ago, this video meant so much to me. Of the past few days I have been soul searching and all the little pieces of myself finally seem to be falling into place, and as you described how you felt before you came out, I burst into tears because it was like I was looking in a mirror and finally truly seeing myself for the first time. You helped me put into words all of the feelings I could never name or even describe. For the first time in my life, I am excited for the future, because now I know who I am. Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it must have been so hard to be this open on such a massive platform like the internet, but you sharing your journey, has helped me to finally begin mine, and I will forever be thankful for that. Thank you
@sophieekhegfejwgk
2 жыл бұрын
I think the number and variety of people talking about how can relate to this video really drives home your point about how we all feel some sort of pressure to perform gender.
@martinemiller3196
2 жыл бұрын
Omg yesssss!! MYSTIC KNIGHTS WAS AMAZING!!! I'm so happy I'm not the only one who remembers that show!
@martinemiller3196
2 жыл бұрын
Also, this was an incredible video! Can't wait for your next one!
@Guillotinaaa
2 жыл бұрын
The “You have Suffered for No Being You” quote got to me so hard. I love how you write and the way you organize your video essays so much but definitely there are things that sometimes can’t be written but told by people who love you and want you to shine.💕
@ellagage1256
2 жыл бұрын
So much this video resonated with me and how I felt growing up, all the way up to that "ultimatum" you either coming out or just... removing myself from life. Thank you Jessie for putting such difficult feelings into words, and for everything that you do support others. Best wishes ❤
@MoselleGreen
2 жыл бұрын
I really appreciate that you're willing to be vulnerable and honest in your videos. *hugs* We care about you, okay?
@Nectarisa
2 жыл бұрын
I relate so much with what you're (so eloquently) saying here. Thank you for saying it so beautifully.
@mosorio5575
2 жыл бұрын
Love your content Jessie! I'm like 1/4 into the video but I just wanted to say (I'm an AMAB NB on the autism spectrum) I'd never heard such an accurate description of how dysphoria from puberty felt. I didn't look after my body either and was blamed for it, and when I first got some of my body hair I literally thought I had some severe illness and it was some sort of punishment. Somehow I only realized it was connected to gender at like 20, though :/ Edit - Oh girl I wasn't ready for that...
@robhurlocker7040
2 жыл бұрын
@30:59 "To choose to live as me - or choose to not live at all." Aw, Jessie, I'm sooooooo glad you made the choice you made. You make my world so much brighter, and I'm so sorry you had to experience so much darkness. You're amazing and kind and beautiful (and sexy) in every way. Thank you for being so vulnerable in this memoir story.
@lilitulee
2 жыл бұрын
This kinda got me wanting to work on my own videos to talk about my story, seems very cathartic and if it helps add the trans narrative, potentially helping save some lives then it's be worth any potential negative comments I'd get....even if all it does is help one it'd be worth it, but hopefully it can do more...you do wonderful work and maybe one day we can do a talking points video or something else that works.💜
@samokozie
2 жыл бұрын
this video is amazing
@llGemini19
2 жыл бұрын
It is so so SO important that people understand that trans people have these real, genuine feelings. But also equally, if not, more important that trans people realize that they're valid, regardless of what they think. Womanhood/manhood/personhood has no real definition, they are what you make of them. If you identify as a woman, you're a woman. If you identify as a man, you're a man. If you identify as non-binary, you're non-binary. At the end of they day, like this video has stated, all those things are just roles and performances we play! So go out there and give the best damn performance!
@ecpetty
2 жыл бұрын
Taking this all in, it strikes me how much I as a hetero-presenting cis woman, and how much cis women in general, have to learn from trans women and nonbinary folks about disrupting that internalized sexism and curating femininity for ourselves rather than for others. I can imagine how liberating that would feel, to "do" gender first and foremost for our own benefit and not for men's. I admire and appreciate your vulnerability in this video, Jessie. You have a wonderful way of expressing your truth with vulnerability that I thought really got to the core of the complicated struggle you, and likely many other trans folks throughout history, have had to deal with. Thank you SO much for sharing this part of yourself with us.
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