Super helpful, thank you. I'm realizing in my 30s how emotionally immature I've been- and it's bringing up a lot of shame. I was raised by narcisstic parents and not really taught emotional regulation, boundaries, etc. & realizing the level of entitlement I've felt towards others to regulate me, is scary. I'm having to teach myself things I should've been taught as a child, and your channel is super illuminating.
@shenaegoodwill2609
Жыл бұрын
Best of luck on your journey 😊
@Eg-jd9zt
Жыл бұрын
Same here. I’ve been learning to self soothe myself
@salvomig2368
11 ай бұрын
Sending you lots positive energy and love along your journey. You got this!!
@natasha2877
11 ай бұрын
This resanates with me and I'm in my late 40s. Well done to you identifying this earlier on and doing the introspective work.
@nicholasatom4563
9 ай бұрын
Likewise ❤️🩹
@karanfilable
9 ай бұрын
" opposite of needines is not our need being met, but just being present with whatever is happening in a given moment " ❤️
@James-gp5cw
3 ай бұрын
You don’t need a man/ woman or materialistic things you need God, and God will give you everything that you need. A man/woman will love you for your physical look/ charisma/ money/ intelligence….. or all the temporary things to fill someone thing that THEY need and will only love you if you meet their needs, but God loves you for who you are, whatever you are and no matter what your past is. In fact, God doesn’t need you, you need Him and He can do whatever He wants anytime to you and to your life, yet He loves you. That’s what you need. “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” _ 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 “He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself.” _ Proverbs 6:32 “Resist the devil and he will flee from you!” _ James 4:7 "But I say to you, anyone who stares at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." _ Matthew 5:28
@jessicaras4540
Ай бұрын
You don’t need a man/ woman, you need God, and God will give you everything that you need. Everything is temporary, good things are temporary, bad things are temporary, but your soul is eternal. “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” _ John 8:12 “Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to.” _ Luke 13: 24 “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their lifewill lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” _ matthew 16: 24-25 “Be enthusiastic to serve the Lord, keeping your passion toward him boiling hot! Radiate with the glow of the Holy Spirit and let him fill you with excitement as you serve him.” _ Romans 12:11 “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” _ Matthew 10:16
@finnameme8108
Ай бұрын
@@jessicaras4540not everybody believes in sky daddy
@RoseaCreates
7 ай бұрын
My partner became my ex when he called me needy and lazy, about ten to twenty times in a row. I learned after going into a good and respectful relationship that my level of need was normal. Some people are just jerks.
@Mushroom321-
7 ай бұрын
Glad you're free!!!🎉🎉
@TJ-kk5zf
Ай бұрын
all exes, right😂😂😂
@RoseaCreates
Ай бұрын
@@TJ-kk5zf I mean if someone won't give a girl compliments when she asks, contributes zero to a relationship, leeches money, never pays attention to emotional needs then yes, they deserve to be an ex. I wouldn't say all my past partners have been bad, that one in particular was an ex husband. He just didn't want to do any work in general or in the relationship. Best part about him being ultra poor is that the divorce was only $400.
@TJ-kk5zf
Ай бұрын
@@RoseaCreates ALL of them? have you examined what in yourself draws such people, if this is indeed accurate. Your partner called you needy and lazy, and he would insist that was true of you.
@RoseaCreates
24 күн бұрын
@@TJ-kk5zf I was going through a divorce, he called me lots of things. He wasn't very emotionally developed. However I did get a good partner, five years now, so luckily all the name calling I received and threats to burn my house down are no longer.
@el0blaino
Жыл бұрын
Letting the past become a happy memory instead of a source of pain and loss in the present - what a concept! Thanks for talking about that process.
@yonitznkc
7 ай бұрын
Yes, I want that!
@fuckeries
Жыл бұрын
Girl. Every issue I’ve ever had. You’ve touched on
@xab0mbx126
11 ай бұрын
Samee
@JustinC23
11 ай бұрын
"Fuckeries" 😂
@CB19087
11 ай бұрын
Fuckeries! Haha! Not heard that in ages, might have it as my word of the week!
@erin3292
10 ай бұрын
Me too. Glad there is language to describe to these days, rather than just you’re too needy.
@barbarademchick8298
9 ай бұрын
She seems to know everything about me. Amazing journey that I am going through with her words
@mediumchungus
11 ай бұрын
Having those needs never met by anyone, even as an adult, really makes self regulation much more difficult as there is no positive reference point
@LucaAnamaria
3 ай бұрын
I'm really feeling this right now.
@markcollins1012
10 ай бұрын
Needing more from someone than they can give is an issue, yes. But ‘needy’ is a term that can be used by an avoidant to push someone away or to protect themselves from engulfment. It can also be used by narcissistic people to control or shame someone who simply wants human connection. Having said that, I watched all of the video and appreciate it. I have long worked at trying to heal my anxious attachment. Perspectives like yours are helping me understand and move in that direction.
@ebbyc1817
9 ай бұрын
The term doesn't change the issue, you could call it something else but the problem would be the same, an inability to deal with lack in the moment, panicking when one is unable to get what they want. But yes, just like with many words, even "emotional", it can be used to shame.
@mrsherwood2599
8 ай бұрын
Amen. I was so shamed that I became eight times more avoidant than her. So then I turned her needy. And then...shamed her.
@nomadak723
6 ай бұрын
Oof. Love to everybody here.
@sabrinaszabo9355
6 ай бұрын
Yes, but you should value yourself enough to not deal with an avoidant. If somebody is not investing equally in you and you are pushing to invest in them that shows you don’t have a lot of self-love. You are worthy of all the love you are craving, you just need to give it to yourself first and work on boundaries and emotional intelligence, then you can attract a partner and experience true intimacy that you desire. We all deserve this, and it’s so much different. I’m speaking from personal experience I have been into toxic marriages end this last one almost killed me so it was either die or figure it out
@paulwangler
4 ай бұрын
I've always been a big believer in "whatever you aren't giving yourself, you look for others to give you." If I feel like I need a hug, I realize i am being cold in someway towards myself, so i start loving myself and I feel at ease. This is coming from a guy who spends long stretches of being single. Try it out!
@jameskrise4754
Жыл бұрын
The candy bar analogy blew my mind. I feel like every relationship I dive into is with a chocolate bar, I know it’s horrible for me but I’m hungry and don’t want to cook. 😂
@inathi1329
Жыл бұрын
The best advice I've ever heard from a therapist around having your needs met is to begin meeting your needs yourself. You cant meet all your needs 100% yourself but meeting them as much as you can prevents you from going into distress. And that's key because if you stop being distressed you won't feel like you're going to die if someone doesn't answer your text or doesn't follow through with plans. Doing an inventory of what all my needs are and finding ways to meet them changed my life. It gave me room to develop nervous system capacity and settle down in my body❤
@themysticalgg
10 ай бұрын
this is great advice
@dzi333
10 ай бұрын
Well yeah, but on the other hand, at the same time, connection to other person, love and such, seem to be very primal human needs, don't they? At the same time you read that touch deprivation can lead to actual health issues. So is it really so that the point is to meet all your needs yourself? If not then where is the border of meeting them yourself vs agreeing that you actually need someone else?
@themysticalgg
10 ай бұрын
@@dzi333 Be able to rely on yourself first and foremost. Get to know yourself, and make sure you can take care of your own needs and wants in the world of consenting adults. There is no border in all reality, because there are more people than I could think of that probably have gone a very long time without touch. Just a thought. All love! It builds confidence in you and helps you know that you can always hold your own. Therefore if someone else were to step into the picture, it would make it that much easier for someone to know if it's a good match too! Really in any sense. Friendship, and romantic from my experiences.
@housekeepah
8 ай бұрын
@@dzi333 yes, the line is very hard to draw and I can’t really seem to get a firm grip on where the actual line is for me.
@shawntelchinn84
6 ай бұрын
My point exactly!!!
@elisabethannwexler4728
Жыл бұрын
In my thinking, the word "needy" carries a lot of unnecessarily judgement. Having needs is part of the human experience. When we have needs surfacing in intense ways this can often mean that unmet needs from the past are coming up to be acknowledged. That we might not feel emotionally safe. It can also mean that there is a lot of vulnerability around having needs & expressing them. I think that the word "needy" is really shame based & we can really find other ways to use the word, "need" that is respectful of ourselves as well as of others. Shame & judgement shuts us & others down. It's a barrier. I think that the word "needy" is a roadblock that doesn't help the person who needs help & support. I think that word "needy" is often used to power trip, reject & distance others when the person who is observing or sensing that someone is in need feels uncomfortable.
@evadebruijn
Жыл бұрын
I second your assessment
@timpulver5932
Жыл бұрын
I feel that too. I think many use it w a sense of superiority. But I also think she did a good job of defining the word in the video.
@kirstinstrand6292
11 ай бұрын
I don't think that those who name someone as needy think themselves superior. It's just that some people are better put together than others. They choose to protect themselves because perhaps they've learned to deal with their own neediness. I remember an attorney that I met and found attractive. I invited him to dinner at my house - he didn't show. I called him and asked why he stood me up. He said that I appeared needy. I had no idea what needy meant. I just assumed that he wasn't interested in me, which was acceptable. Yet, it did make me think! And I appreciated his honesty. Those that are needy have unresolved issues. It's as simple as that - neither bad nor good... just a fact. If someone chooses to judge, let them. I am aware of being needy sometimes if I meet someone who I find interesting, which only occasionally happens. Lol. But now I can work with myself, so I don't feel helpless or out of control. Certainly, this was not always the case. It helps to have the ability to be open and honest. And if the new acquaintance cannot be open and honest, too, I move on.
@sunbeam9222
11 ай бұрын
How does it matter if that's unmet needs surfacing from the past. Of course they come from somewhere. Still if it makes me needy I rather know it and work on healing it than focus on feeling offended by it. It carries negative judgement because it's not a positive trait to possess. It makes the needy person unhappy and unfulfilled. So yeah, not a cute word but the right word.
@indyd9322
11 ай бұрын
I agree. If you're needs are reasonable, but your partner refuses to acknowledge reasonable requests, you aren't being needy. Sometimes partners label the other person as "needy" when in reality they are neglecting the relationship.
@justinkearl2212
8 ай бұрын
I'm a couple of months outside of a three year long relationship, and I've been grieving it so hard. I clicked on this video thinking I'd be learning how to be better in my next relationship, but what I got was a detailed gameplan on how to move past what I'm going through now. 😅 Wild how that works out sometimes.
@Sariimura
Жыл бұрын
This channel is one of my favorites, makes me feel uncomfortable as heck but it helps me with navigating emotions in a better way.
@v.o.e7051
Жыл бұрын
You are describing the exact situation I am in right now (friendship, not romantic). I was pretty much convinced I was the hurt party in the story, but watching your video made it clear to me that my expectations from the past were driving my resentment towards the friend. Thank you!
@elisabethannwexler4728
Жыл бұрын
An additional point that I think is helpful to make is that when individuals feel like they are strongly in need of something, especially when there is any sense of panic, anxiety & these kinds of feelings associated with it, there is often an underlining deep rooted feeling of abandonment. This feeling of abandonment usually comes from childhood. Feelings of separation and not having one's needs met by a partner, friend or family member as an adult can trigger these feelings of abandonment. Separation occurs in different ways for different reasons within any relationship. (I am talking about every day life circumstances & not someone actually walking out of someone's life altogether). These feelings & fears of abandonment can feel terrifying. They may seem irrational to an outsider, but to the person experiencing them, this feels like a life or death situation. The person experiencing these feelings is feeling like they will not survive unless someone comes to their aid. It is a child's feelings in an adult body/soul/heart/psyche. Reexperiencing states of abandonment & separation from childhood can be acutely painful. This often happens in adult relationships when one or both individuals have not yet healed from these wounds. Anxiously attached and Avoidantly attached individuals usually have struggled with feelings of abandonment & separation. In addition to learning how to self-soothe & to tune into one's own needs & fulfill them, there is often serious healing that needs to take place around issues of abandonment & separation that have to be both cognitively & intuitively understood with a tremendous amount of compassion. Nurturing our own inner child or children in an ongoing way is essential in this healing process as well as having an evolving understanding of what's going on inside of us that causes our behavior, & that stirs up feelings & thoughts that may be challenging to understand or to shift out from.
@kirstinstrand6292
11 ай бұрын
This is so accurate. It's nearly impossible to know how a small child feels when being abandoned around age 2? If someone could remember the original incident, it could put things into perspective. I would imagine that that memory would speak volumes to a needy person. This is the reason that I wonder if psilocybin could be useful. When I was 5ish, I was in Minneapolis shopping in a large department store; I wandered off, alone, and lost my mother. lol... When I couldn't find her, I started crying-screaming out for her. A kind clerk got on the PA system asking if someone was missing their child. I'll never forget the experience. Mom was nearby, and we were reconnected immediately, so no harm was done. Is there something that triggers urgent feelings of neediness, I wonder. That would further complicate feelings of neediness. I think that trust would be a huge issue unless one trusts herself or himself.
@kirstinstrand6292
11 ай бұрын
Reflecting back on the shopping excursion, I recall leaving the store nearly immediately after being found. When we got outside, I remember looking around at the buildings that were large and cold looking - no hugs or warmth from my mother, either. She was just her usual cold self! Mothers are not always good mothers. When this happens, we learn not to look to them for love. Then, we try our best to be self-sufficient.
@Ikr2025
8 ай бұрын
@@kirstinstrand6292I can relate to that. My mother turned cold and no-nonsense when out in public. She would take me along somewhere and be chatting to her friends or adults and would get really dismissive or irritated if I wanted any attention from her. She would sort of scoff at my anxiety and it was clear she preferred the way my brother would run off confidently and independently. But at home I was 100% dependent on her and there was only my absent father and brother so it wasn’t exactly a surprise as to how dependent I was on her. She would be kind and affectionate at bedtime (to get me off to sleep as fast as possible) but after that it was just busy busy busy. It does make me feel angry looking back, even though it was a short period of my life now. But it seems to have left emotional wounds (loneliness, fear of abandonment, sadness, shame) that are very hard to repair. Am in my 50s now and my mother in her 80s and she still triggers me! I see her as little as possible because I find it emotionally disregulating for me. But in reality I find everyone but my children emotionally disregulating now.
@shawntelchinn84
6 ай бұрын
Yea but I feel that trying to be self sufficient didn’t work for me so I tried to find what I needed in men’s approval and “ love”.
@aquababe7
3 ай бұрын
It sounds like the abandonment happened even when your mom was right in front of you with her coldness and disconnect- she was physically present but it didn't feel like she was truly with you. It's like going to a well and it's empty- even though the well is present, it's not giving you what you need, in this case being water, whereas with your mom, it's acknowledgement, love, and affection. If there is an ongoing lack of attunement from the caregiver, the child does not feel seen, understood, or safe because an unattuned parent is not present and receptive enough to really be with the child as they are in order to look after their needs. The lack of emotional connection (emotional neglect) is experienced as abandonment because that's what it is for a child. Kids are dependent on their caregivers physically and emotionally in those early years, unfortunately many parents don't even know how to show up for themselves and then that projects out onto the child and they feel guilty, rejected/abandoned, lost, afraid, starved and desperate for love and connection. The abandonment is in the needs not being met of any kind ie. biopsychosocial needs. @@kirstinstrand6292
@sentientAl
10 ай бұрын
I really like the chocolate bar analogy! I’m very good at refraining from eating snacks during the day even if I’m starting to get hungry, because I know I will be eating something healthy for actual lunch/dinner - I need to apply this to when I feel romantically/emotionally hungry/panicked.
@commecicommeca9944
7 ай бұрын
I find it much harder to self-regulate myself, when I'm in any kind of romantic relationship or even situationship than when I'm single. As soon as there's another person in my life, who I've been letting very close to myself, I kind of depend on that person for regulation when things go wrong. So I guess I'm actually able to sit with my feelings of unmet needs (which I do when being single, then I'm just fine with sometimes being unsatisfied). But suddenly, when the other person exists in my life, I easily feel needy. Funny thing that helped me to feel overall more contented within such a dynamic: I asked the guy, not to text each other anymore, besides when it's about specific informations, as when to meet where, etc. Suddenly I felt so much freedom! So the anxiousness and kind of neediness that came along with wondering all the time "did he text me now? Why not? Yesterday he already did at that time" went away. What I've learnt from that (as well as from my single example): It's not so much about the contact, connection, etc. itself, that gives me a good feeling. It's the short absent of wondering about when the next small gesture will arrive. The shirt absent if uncertainty, really. So, being in a state when every second there COULD occur some contact - but you never know - is a constant state of a lot of arousal, which switches from excitement to anxiety. So in my case, I think this is the state of feeling unwell, which I look for at the other person to end it (by waiting for them to contact me). But it's really a state, that actually wouldn't be there, if they weren't in my life at the first place (like smokers feel, when smoking, a relief from a feeling - the yearning for it - which wouldn't exist, if they wouldn't be smokers). I'm not saying "let's stop connecting to other people in order to never feel needing them", but the question is, how much power we give this specific kind of contact, to decide about our wellbeing
@shawntelchinn84
6 ай бұрын
Wow!! Well said! Well I am in a married relationship in which when I try to self regulate, my husband showers me with affection and validation. Then when he’s gets annoyed or angry he snatches it away and I can’t help but feel pain if separation. Then when he is happy again he wants me to open back up to his affection but Im afraid to because I don’t want to feel dependent on love and affection from my husband when he could take it away any moment he feels like I disagree with him or annoyed him. He’s like the hot stove the tell the toddler not to touch, but the toddler touches anyway but gets burned. But he’s my husband so this confuses me. How am I supposed to not receive love and affection from him when that’s what the relationship is supposed to be about???? But everytime I allow myself to get comfortable in his love and affection I get burned again. And he’ll be cold and distant for days and act like it’s a normal way to treat people because you’re upset. Also we don’t just have adult conversations about anything. It has to be an argument so he can have a reason to cold shoulder me.
@commecicommeca9944
6 ай бұрын
@@shawntelchinn84 I deeply feel you. Was in a kind of similar relationship myself for more then eight years. I hate to say this - because since you're married, it's a serious situation and not easy to question it - , but the the way your husband treats you it doesn't really sound like a healthy relationship to me😐. I hope you listen to your gut feelings, stay true to yourself and take good care of yourself 🙏. And I hope you have the possibility to turn to other people as well, so you don't rely so much on him. Wish you a lot of strength and all the best. 🍀
@shawntelchinn84
4 ай бұрын
@@commecicommeca9944 Thank you so much for the encouragement! I am starting to realize how important it is to rely on other loved ones for love too.
@runelerun
3 ай бұрын
I completely resonate with this. AND I am too fearful and anxious to ask my guy to only text me with logistics. But the agony of waiting for a random text is horrible and unsettling all day long for me so I do need to get the strength to say something.
@mariusantonryko7542
2 ай бұрын
Wow, well put. I am exactly the same, so much so, that I'd sometimes just rather be single and all alone, because it causes me so much distress. It's just hard being lonely because of that 😢
@VetaParco
9 ай бұрын
Wow when you talked about letting go everything seriously just clicked. I lived in a constant state of comparing my relationship to the past honeymoon phase (similar to your friend analogy), expecting it to be like that forever where all of my self-esteem and needs were met 25/7. Once the relationship matured after a couple years and was no longer like that I was upset, needy, unhappy and disappointed all the time blaming him for “changing” and not loving me anymore. I really needed to hear this THANK YOU
@shawntelchinn84
6 ай бұрын
Same here!! But for me it’s worse because the eyes I used to get from him come back out for my blossomed teenage daughter instead of me now!! I get she’s beautiful but geez! It’s like there’s no acknowledgment unless you’re young and beautiful!
@caitlincassandra
6 ай бұрын
@@shawntelchinn84 That's not normal and you should not want him around her. If it were me, I'd end that relationship asap.
@xWabbli
5 ай бұрын
I have the same problem but I don't know how to deal with it. Please, do you have any tips for me? I'm feeling unwanted, unappreciated and unloved but I think it's just me and not his fault...
@meridian6265
2 ай бұрын
@@shawntelchinn84 Your partner is sexually attracted to your teenage daughter and your only reaction is envy? Get that guy away from her, as soon as possible.
@YasminFilms
Жыл бұрын
Unbeliveably grateful to have found your channel. Thank you for all the effort you put into your videos, they've been pivotal to me.
@geetakharel4471
Жыл бұрын
So brutal but so much insight. Thank you!! Please keep making these videos, you are saving lives.
@follow_the_fox9432
Жыл бұрын
This content is honestly a lifechanger, thank you so much! This really opened my eyes to some blindspots and themes I had no idea how to address and navigate.
@mujdahakime2345
Жыл бұрын
I would add that a lot of times, what we are afraid of are not just the body sensations but the fixed meanings we have attached to it....ie: feeling sad or lonely means shame or unworthiness or chronic pain or never being loved in the future. I think the moment we question those meanings...we are more able to handle our body sensations without panicking
@shawntelchinn84
6 ай бұрын
That was really eye opening comment. New perspective.
@notyourturkey
10 ай бұрын
This was super helpful! You touched on points that I had not known how to even identify. That alone has given me a new perspective and new tools to grow into the secure person I have always wanted to be! Thank you. ♥️
@Starmatthewuk
Жыл бұрын
You have this ability to talk in a clear way with really resonates with me. You clearly research your topic areas and deliver content well. Without doubt you're in the top 3 of the speakers I watch on KZitem. Keep up the great work, really much appreciated.
@florianrohdan2685
6 ай бұрын
So glad that I stumbled upon this video right now. Very well explained like always and so helpful for countless needy situations yet to come. Very grateful for you and your content, Heidi. A big Thank you!!
@yumakuga9885
10 ай бұрын
I'm so thankful for all of your videos. I started to develop my mental health into being healthy, and your perspective and advice helped a lot.
@genericbotface
11 ай бұрын
I partially agree. Going hungry in favor of healthier circumstances, yes. But at the same time, maybe because I skew anxious avoidant and not just anxious, I feel that I have gone too many years accepting the feelings of neediness as my normal. And the result is a life lived with many lonely nights drinking alone at home because my inclination is to swirl around in the feelings rather than work on bonding with people.
@marymcfadden6631
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for your thoughtful, thorough videos. Appreciate the topics and the time you put into them. This one is super important. Liberating new way of looking at this.
@zahararay5611
9 ай бұрын
I think whenever I feel needy, I'll come and watch this video, which will be A LOT, until your teachings becomes habits. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and calling with us Heidi. You are brilliant.
@ffflyin1697
5 ай бұрын
Same! I hope you are doing just a little bit better each time - baby steps!!! Your comment really comforted and encouraged me. I feel so helpless and alone when I panic and feel needy, but I’m not alone!
@zahararay5611
5 ай бұрын
@@ffflyin1697 aww thank you! I hope you are too. You are definitely not alone! We are not! This video has 141k views. We have company 🙃
@livenletlive266
7 ай бұрын
Heidi, you are so eloquent, composed and soothing in your delivery, while at the same time being aligned with Truth. Grateful!!!
@kristinhannan
6 ай бұрын
This is one of the most helpful videos I've ever seen. We need to learn how to be comfortable being uncomfortable - not trying to fix it with a substance or person. Thank you.
@klb1193
11 ай бұрын
Echoing all the other comments in that you are providing INCREDIBLY valuable content when I need it most. I feel seen, understood, supported, and hopeful for my healing journey. I feel so much less alone, and like I'm not 'broken' - just understandably affected by the trauma I experienced in my childhood. THANK YOU. You are angel.
@AnnaKristina1996
Жыл бұрын
You are so well spoken and explain things in a way that feels like second nature to me. I have to actively stop myself from binge watching your videos (mainly because I have a Master's Thesis that's due in 2,5 weeks). I learn so damn much and I can relate to a lot of what you say in numerous videoes, regarding a varity of topics. It's also kind of funny how I am now (after coming out of a 5 year long relationship without knowing these things) able to help friends and family-members understand and apply the dynamics and communication-skills to perserve their romantic relationships. Turns out it's way easier to help others than to help yourself. I am very excited about my own progress so far and very optimistic in regards to how I apply what I now know to current friendships, family-relationships and potentially future romantic relationship. A lot of your information has already helped me understand, not only myself better, but close relatives. it is far easier to listen without judging, understanding other's perspectives and accepting differences in how different human beings percieve the world. I can quite easily understand where people are coming from now, and a lot of how the childhood dynamics and early realtionships have shaped a person to think, feel and act in a certain way. I can feel this new knowledge and understanding stengthening my realtionships. Both parties become more comfortable with setting boundaries and expressing their needs. Thank you so much for putting all this information out there for free. In my humble opinion, you are far better at explaining these concepts than other channels that may have more subscribers. Again, thank you.
@macareuxmoine
2 ай бұрын
Your videos always show up exactly when I need them… many thanks Heidi. Always excellent content!
@meganjohnson9540
Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much! Your kind, careful explanations of a lot of my crazy are extremely helpful. Love and light. 💕
@marywingo7700
Жыл бұрын
What is the difference between tolerating difficult emotions and simply depriving yourself of what you truly need? What's the difference between between being well-nourished and having a type of anorexia nervosa of life. What is the difference between tolerating difficult situations to the point it destroys you? I think that there's a very fine point where we get into anorexic thinking, not just eating.
@7Earthsky
8 ай бұрын
Yeh i did raise an eyebrow when she mentioned a 3 day fast; but i think most of the video was sound....What you think is going to kill you actually won't....It's not urgent medical attention you need when you're lonely or horny or sad or bored ect...It just requires being present and realising if you can't have them fulfilled you are still ok.
@shawntelchinn84
6 ай бұрын
Ok but the question still needs to be answered. Like I really need to know like how much of my needs am I supposed to not get met by my significant other. How can I pour into someone’s cup who won’t pour into mine leaving me feeling empty?
@maureenp2248
6 ай бұрын
I think the key is just to not take it too far and maybe experiment to see what are your actual NEEDS vs not totally necessary. If you experiment and are like "oh, actually I can just entertain myself for a few hours and not be miserable when waiting for a text back," that's different than if you are really dissatisfied with your relationship's level of contact and are actually unhappy about it on a regular basis.
@conscienza
3 ай бұрын
I agree. This comes from a person who started intermittent fasting during a period of grief (death of mother), and this soon became a full-blown episode of anorexia, which nearly killed me (I had to be admitted and have been tube-fed for months). So no, please don't starve yourself to postpone primary bodily needs if you're prone to eating disorders.
@conscienza
3 ай бұрын
That being said, I strongly agree with the chocolate bar analogy. Eat real food to meet your needs. Don't depend on quick fixes/snacks. Sit down to eat that food and enjoy. It's no problem to postpone eating until the right time is there, but be aware of the fine line with set periods of fasting ;)
@sabrinawilliams8209
Жыл бұрын
As a DA who gets into intimate relationships with more anxious leaning types, I often feel so judged for not understanding or meeting the emotional needs of my partners when they never expressed this expectation of me. Analogy: It's like partners are expecting me to speak a foreign language and then punish, judge, and criticize when I don't speak this foreign language instead of expressing this need clearly and directly. If I do agree to try to meet this need to learn and speak this foreign language, please, can you work with me to find a language class and practice with me at my level? 😢 It's painful otherwise...
@ameenahm.8949
Жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing 😊 how would you prefer your partners to approach you with their needs?
@sabrinawilliams8209
Жыл бұрын
@@ameenahm.8949 First off, hi 😊! I guess I would like a partner to be like, "Emotional availability is really important to me and this is what that looks like....". Im on my way to secure so I know what that looks like generally now but I'm still a bit perplexed. I literally have laughed while others cried not because I'm a psychopath but because I laugh at my own vulnerability. I gaslight myself and minimize my own needs. I've been working overtime in therapy, reading books, watching videos, to learn and grow. Who knew folks actually felt their emotional pain and wanted to connect with others over it... 🤷🏽♀️😊 Really... My ignorance has made relationships very painful. 😕
@carolinelaronda4523
Жыл бұрын
I read your comment thinking you were a man and saying wow that’s very rare for a DA to even realize this or genuinely care but I just read your name and I see you’re a female. DA men are the worst - almost never get introspective enough to truly care to change . Good for you for trying - that would have meant the world to me as an AP woman with a hopeless DA man child .
@iamnotinthematrix
Жыл бұрын
I tried doing that with my DA ex. Being clear in the amount of time I wanted to spend together (2-3 evenings a week) and asking what their idea of a relationship was. Long story short, there was no negotiation on the time and no answer about their needs. I decided to end the relationship then.
@sowaymoby
11 ай бұрын
Hi. I’m an AP guy. Been learning about attachment etc for a year now, and this video has only just made me realise that I can be and why I can be “needy” when triggered. Up until now I didn’t even know that I did desperately NEED anything. I’ve been triggered a couple of times in the last year with DA women I’ve dated and even then, after all I’ve learnt, it’s incredibly hard to access what I need and get the DA to even be bothered to listen to me, let alone explain it. In hat situations I find myself getting critical because it feels like the DA or even FA, isn’t listening, simply because they go silent and don’t use words like ‘ok, I understand’ or ‘i don’t understand’, a don’t try to have entertain a convo about it, because it seems to hurt their heads. So, with that in mind, the only advice I think I can give you, if things are getting heated, is to try to be mindful that the AP is trying to communicate desperately, and just needs someone to show, literally with warm words, that they are being heard. I believe this can probably go both ways. At least that’s how I feel as an AP. Good luck, everyone :)
@shancluff2925
10 ай бұрын
Spot on with your assessments on coping with the anxiety of my abandonment and separations emotions. Thank you.
@thereisonlyoneright3752
Жыл бұрын
You are one of the most insightful and valuable online resources I've ever come across Heidi - this was a fantastic video, very well timed as well and I know more people need to come across this kind of advice. My partner and I love to discuss our relationship as well as our own attachment strategies and we both loved your take i.e. that outsourcing your need meeting is not the only solution to feeling needy, learning to be comfortable with feeling a lack of something is also a healthy strategy for managing that desperate feeling - this is definitely something people need to invest in honing in themselves in the long term to benefit in all those short term moments. Looking forward to the next one!
@JeffMcCullough
2 ай бұрын
Can’t even describe how on point this for me right now. Seriously. So much rich, helpful insight here. Thank you. Keep it up.
@narilynle570
6 ай бұрын
This was so wonderfully worded and thoughtful, as well as thought provoking. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, I really felt sympathy and healing within myself just allowing myself to absorb the words and concepts shared here, and thinking of how they play a part in my worldview. Thank you
@JebsTennisJourney
Жыл бұрын
Really enjoying your videos. You do a good job of explaining a lot of these relational concepts. What you are sharing is very helpful! I also appreciate how you go into some depth with the topics on these videos, rather than giving some teaser information and then directing us to buy a course or something from you. You really give the viewer the sense that you care, you understand the struggles and want to help, and that you have compassion towards us people trying to navigate these difficulties. Subbed. Hope your channel blows up. you deserve it.
@ellier2018
Жыл бұрын
Your point about “where can we go with the truth of this moment” resonates hard. It’s so easy to try and keep things as they were in the past (especially if it was good times.)
@ellier2018
Жыл бұрын
Trying not to force the past into the present and future
@kianah7807
Жыл бұрын
This is the most helpful channel on youtube, your videos have helped me understand myself so much, its more effective than years of therapy
@lisabeeke7162
11 ай бұрын
This was so clear, easy to listen to and appreciated. Thank you.
@jooniper93
7 ай бұрын
You’re truly a poet. You explain things so beautifully. What a gift!
@martun321
7 ай бұрын
Thank you for this again. I really appreciate the fact that you provide us with actionable tips on how to work with overwhelming emotions
@gazingatmars
2 ай бұрын
Heidi I'm so thankful for you. You have truly changed my life. ❤
@lasvegasplease
9 ай бұрын
What i like about this channel is that it encompases all, men and women. So much great content that helps many for all. ❤
@Alizardlovesyou
9 ай бұрын
I’m blown away by how good this info is. Thank you!
@smack7589
8 ай бұрын
Thank you for explaining this with a specific example of waiting for a response. I’m learning that people communicate differently and I’m focusing on my communication within myself 🙏🏽
@lnzprazak2711
4 ай бұрын
Ive been working on healing my anxious attachments ove the last 6 weeks. I just found your videos today. Youre way if describing and walking you through is helping me put it into process so well. Thank you!
@ashitakaaa
Жыл бұрын
Another banger of a video per usual, showing up exactly at the right time! Your ability to communicate potentially confusing/misunderstood concepts & ideas in such a clear, articulate & accessible way is greatly appreciated! I feel very grateful to you & your content. You've helped me more than you know. Thank you Heidi!
@zahararay5611
9 ай бұрын
Perfectly said! I concur!
@housekeepah
8 ай бұрын
Well said. So calm, clear and effective.
@sebastianzawierucha2237
6 ай бұрын
Il really enjoying your videos. It’s your direct way of talking, long videos to give time to explain everything and your side insights on what you feel that a lot of other sources don’t touch on or stress that kills it for me. Thank you!
@sd3431
Жыл бұрын
I usually don't write comments on youtube. But I am watching your videos since a while and this now just maked me "click". Through the clarity of your words and the structured steps you were going through I finally can see and most importantly > sort out/feel < in this moment deeply my underlying emotions and why i am showing neediness in my relationships. Feeling this self connection right now, sitting with the intensity which already subsided mostly and experiencing "I can face it." makes me really grateful right now. Thank you so much Heidi for your work - please keep it up :)!
@Shinyflubba
21 күн бұрын
This is on my "Favorites" playlist now - it seems all encompassing and theres the right amount for each topic to be fully explained but also not unnecesarilly drawn out. Good work Heidi snd thank you! Will def recommend this video to friends who may be going through this as well.
@yonitznkc
7 ай бұрын
Oh thank you Heidi. Listening to you, is helping me realize I have quite a bit of inner child shame to work through. I’m so glad I found your work here.
@1chipchap
2 ай бұрын
Your channel and understandings are the most valuable insights I need right now . Thank you
@gambini1598
7 ай бұрын
You know what it changed my needinnes instantly? When I realized that I am an anxiously attached person. I am almost 40 and this "emotion" / feeling I just didn't know how to manage my whole life. Now I realize that It's just natural to occur. "Ok, this is just emotion I am a grown man I was raised like that... I didn't do this to me by choice." Now that feeling automatically disappears after saying this to myself.
@roguetribe
11 ай бұрын
Heidi, your videos have been life changing for me. Thank you
@sacredspiralwisdom
Жыл бұрын
This was extremely helpful and really helped me see these moments as an opportunity as a way to self regulate. I've been alone in a new city and usually enjoy alone time but it's been a longer period of time and I haven't made friendships yet here. The guy I'm interested in is more of an avoidant attachment style and I've been struggling with my thoughts regarding it. I'm seeing it now as more of an opportunity to heal 🙏
@inesvogel1603
Жыл бұрын
You are so real and honest. Thank you!
@Master0fHamsters
11 ай бұрын
Amazing. You're making really high quality resources. I don't know the sources, but all of this is new. I wish I saw this 6 months ago when I was panicking and about to lose who I feel was the love of my life
@sendjennastuff5102
2 ай бұрын
This is exactly what I needed to hear and realize. Thank you ever so much!! You have helped me to changed a whole lot about how I deal with situations.
@isislouisiade1468
9 ай бұрын
Your understanding and presentation are AMAZING. You cover the essence of things. Thank you for sharing your understanding with so much accuracy. Natural wisdom all away through.
@aikishugyo
6 ай бұрын
"Interpersonal hunger". What a wonderful way of putting it!
@mseppanen86
Жыл бұрын
Really amazing video that hits spot on the big thing I'm working on right now. You gave some pretty helpful ways of thinking through this and some things I want to try. Thanks for all that you do!
@rhyne26
9 ай бұрын
whew, this and so many of your other videos are incredibly helpful as I'm going through an awakening around attachment style and it's impact. The way you explain everything has been incredible for me to see the depths of how I shift from anxious to avoidant, depending on the relationship dynamics with the other person. These perspective shifts while reflecting upon past relationships is bringing so much of my imbalances into clarity and helping me to align with how to create the type of relationships I've wished for, but wasn't equipped to create. Thank yoU!!!
@beetlemouth
2 ай бұрын
This has been so helpful in processing some recent relationship events ❤ thank you
@christianbeleznai3351
5 ай бұрын
Thank You Heidi - you have been helping me a lot with your videos and I really appreciate them
@karenm254
2 ай бұрын
This is the best video I’ve seen on Neediness here on KZitem. And I’ve watched MANY! You articulate in a way that’s easy to digest and understand. I wish my therapist would have explained it to me this way months ago, however I’m very thankful for you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤ Definitely subscribed.
@ArtIrwin
5 ай бұрын
This is by FAR the most helpful video I have seen on KZitem in the last couple of years. Until after my recent divorce, and subsequently starting to date someone very different from my ex-wife, I had no idea how needy I was. My therapist was helpful, but not anywhere near as clear and actionable as this fantastic video. Thank you!!
@glennteasdel7424
8 ай бұрын
This has been one of the best and most helpful videos I have watched in a long time, thank you so much. You articulate all these basic truths and principles so well. It’s like I know all of these things somehow but it’s so easy to get swept up by emotions. You articulating it all so well has been incredibly useful thank you so much!
@townmom9132
9 ай бұрын
you're absolutely genuine and genius! you out it in understanding ways! thank you and thank God i found your channel!
@dr0zable
10 ай бұрын
This video is great. Thank you so much for sharing this information in such a beautiful, compassionate way.
@kimuchee
8 ай бұрын
Heidi I’m so appreciative of having come across this video. This feeling of neediness has been such a struggle for me and I felt so unprepared to handle it. I wanted to send this as a small thank you. For making content like this. You’ve directly impacted my life. I hope this small donation helps you continue to make this wonderful content.
@Happyburn
2 ай бұрын
You're incredible, I feel like I need to watch this at least 3 more times to digest so much wisdom in one video. Thank you so much ❤
@justkea
Жыл бұрын
You are incredibly insightful and articulate👍🏾
@tia.the.mockingbird
2 ай бұрын
Your videos are so helpful! Validating and comforting, but challenging and empowering. Thank you so much for this help!
@waiateruati
Ай бұрын
Awesome video, I really needed your insight, just being aware of my feelings and emotion, and being patient and able to just sit with them and acknowledge them. I liked your example of fasting and feeling hungry but not acting on that feeling immediately. It really helped, thanks so much 👍🏾
@DishikaTrivedi
10 ай бұрын
This was so helpful and by far the best video which gave such actionable insights into this. Felt something straight out of therapy, thank you! ❤
@sjm07400ex
2 ай бұрын
I just came across your channel. I have to say you really are awesome. The way you go deep into this. I really just formed a connection with exactly what you're saying. That's a big step for me, thank you.❤
@mirandadiaz3446
2 ай бұрын
Thank you so much for this. This has been eye-opening!
@thenerdykilt6431
8 ай бұрын
I watched this about 3 months ago when it first came out after a hard break up and while it helped me a bit, I thought it was good to look at the times I had with my ex as a positive experience and to be thankful for them, this helped me back then. As I re-watch this now, I no longer feel that same attitude towards my past experiences with her, but I still see that value in what you say. I feel watching it now, there is still so much I am picking up on the second go around a few months later. You have really helped me understand myself better and how my mind works. I thank you for the videos and hope you know that they provide ongoing value for so many parts of healing and attachment growth.
@amandawitman
Жыл бұрын
Brilliant. You nailed it! Thank you, Heidi.
@Pierre_Nu
Жыл бұрын
Heidi - this has been an incredible series of presentations (Attachments) and congratulations on your journey and work. I started following you before you wrote your enfp book - but had not caught up with your work in the last couple of years. Huge growth. My question is, do you see yourself assembling these learnings / teachings into a self guided program of work? This has been very helpful - as someone who is realising I’m at conscious incompetence.
@thetravelcrunch
8 ай бұрын
My favorite takeaways are remembering to associate to this present moment, and also to be OK with that hunger of the feeling that you’re feeling inside your body, and maybe misinterpreting the emotion that you think you’re feeling like the excitement might actually be fair or loneliness and being able to live with that. I believe I’m an ENFP so that reminder to dissociate to the present moment, and what is going on around me, is huge since I’m constantly in my fantasy world of what could happen in the future. It is definitely very empowering to be more in touch with my real world and my body, and I can think you a large part on this from your videos.
@ms.chubbyblue
6 ай бұрын
This is so helpful. Way more helpful than a year of weekly therapy to me. Thank you so much for these videos ❤
@brendamertes9472
11 ай бұрын
This has been so insightful and VERY helpful. Thank you!
@gorehog04
5 ай бұрын
Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this and I feel a lot better right now. I am not used to dealing with these feelings in a healthy way and its going to take time to learn the specific actions I can take, but simply watching this video every time I feel like this I feel will be a great and helpful start
@piamoore568
7 ай бұрын
Wow I really needed to hear this!!!! Thank you!
@mikertist347
9 ай бұрын
This is really hitting home for me right now. Thank you!!!
@jenelleanderson2021
10 ай бұрын
Wow. I’ve watched three videos and had three aha moments. I’ve spent hours listening to spiritual gurus and neuroscientists, psychologists, etc. and nobody has been able to get through in such a pragmatic and applicable way. I’m very excited to see where this takes me in many issues eggy with anxious attachment, addiction, etc. all boils down to this inability to be present with emotions as this applies across the board in anything I do to “be okay” in that moment with intolerable emotions.
@jasondargonaut
2 ай бұрын
Thank you. This was so simply explained yet so profound. There are so many insights in all of your videos. Thank you for your work.
@thatthotho
Жыл бұрын
Really impressed with your wisdom. Thanks for sharing!
@kate9653
9 ай бұрын
Emotional regulation, self control and discipline. Learning to comfort ourselves in uncomfortable situations instead of relying on someone else to.
@simplydee4113
7 ай бұрын
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I have been searching for a description of my intense emotions and helplessness. I have heard 2 videos and boy oh boy. This is it! You nailed me to a T.
@TSPMikey
11 ай бұрын
This video is incredible! I really appreciate all the information you’ve put together here and how well explained it is❤ I’m going to do everything I can to work with these points 😀
@adminofsugas
8 ай бұрын
I’m in tears & thank you I really am so grateful I found this video. This video really hits me. Thank you so much. I have work to do inside myself
@garytomkins1114
11 ай бұрын
Excellent video. I like the way you use co-regulate as a term to distinguish from co-dependency. By making explicit what needs you want met in relationship some of the time, it avoids the fallacy of total independence (need denial) and the go get them met elsewhere as a "fix it" solution, otherwise why be in a (committed) relationship. The fasting example is an excellent technique for self regulation... conveying how difficult it is to control what feels like, instinctual, hard wired, body based emotions. Great stuff. Will check out more of your videos.
@gianxie
Жыл бұрын
Wow! So many golden nuggets of insight, revelation, realization, and practical application. You are an excellent presenter. Articulate. Knowledgeable. Gentle. Encouraging. Thank you. I’m learning so much.
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