Good video. Voicing your concern and feeling about whatever issue, allowing them to react/handle as they will, and then deciding whether or not to accept it. Easier said than done when emotionally involved. It should be a concern when they haven’t handled certain items already...or are simply not willing after it being communicated a few times. Any more than mentioning once or twice before will be met with being labeled jealous or insecure...whether it’s a valid request/concern or not...and that’s an unfair/weak position to be in. As long as it’s a reasonable request, it’s not something anyone should expect to deal with...no matter how much they loved or want honor their late spouse. Setting boundaries and having self-respect is not a lack of support in their grief process or failing to honor their late spouse. That said, the question of what’s “reasonable” can be very subjective. In a sense, one must realize a widow/widower will always mourn the loss of their spouse....and they’re competing with an idealized version of them. It’s unfortunate for both parties. Until that person is willing to go out of the way in clearing the way for that new relationship...perhaps with a little prompting here or there...there is little a person can say or do without it being counterproductive to the relationship. In order for a person to be seeking the next love of their life...they simply cannot be hanging onto the past in any way shape or form. As a general rule, this is going to be an issue with most people within a few years of losing a spouse. Dating is fine..., but THEY need to prove to YOU that they’re serious and ready. If you’re helping them through their depression or grief...that’s a sign. They need to deal with that with a professional...outside the context of their relationship with you. Tread lightly....the majority of these relationships end with the widow/widower “not being ready”. There are people out there willing to give you 100%....and only you can decide what you’re worth.
@aliciab4236
5 жыл бұрын
I agree completely that widows and widowers need a reason to change. Good analysis and introspection.
@mammamia8882
5 жыл бұрын
Thanks Abel, I hope you and your family are doing well. My widower and me are doing okay, we don't get to see each other that much, and it's all right because we both have very busy schedules. I don't have many of those red flags, actually I could say that we really don't have those red flags. We have the same friends and, when he is around somebody that I don't know, he introduces me, and I do the same. I hope you do a series around the anniversary dates, what happens around the time of year of the spouses passing, behaviors, rituals, things like that. This is the time of year for us, first week of September, until the beginning of the new year. Now that the years have passed, things are getting a bit more sweeter, abit more kinder, a bit more thoughtful and more of getting the adult kids out of the house.
@tetianawatson9507
4 жыл бұрын
Thank you for all these great videos! They are helping me so much!! I am so agree on everything you are saying. All these "red flags " but that something you should work on them slowly and patiently.. usually the widowers and widows dealing with the loss for the first time. Also every case is very unique. It depends on how many years they have been together, do they have children, how many years ago wife have passed away. From my experience, give it some time. And don't worry, the pics will go down, clothes will be donated, just listen to your heart and don't push too hard!!! I was really patient for 1 year and slowly but surely we have made a huge progress. If I had ran away, I would have lost the best person in my life! But after 2 years together we are engaged and getting married, and I have become his #1. But again.. they didn't have children. It's been 3 years since late wife have passed. And we are both in our mid 30th.. Good luck and God bless everyone who are on this challenging path... Sometimes people wasting their time even dating single or divorced, so don't be disappointed and discouraged too quickly!!!
@jasonkresock2196
2 жыл бұрын
Needed to hear this again today. 👍🏻❤
@wendysullivan1909
9 ай бұрын
I think it takes a while. First date no. Maybe if you're getting serious than that's different. We rush into our own minds thinking only the worst of a situation.
@judithc2335
4 жыл бұрын
I needed to hear this! Thank you so very much Abel :)
@Tbn48ibp
9 ай бұрын
I feel (and I’m twice widowed and have dated widows)….a healthy time after the deceased to start dating is 1-2 yrs. They are their best self when they are healed !!!
@kathleenwausnock8845
5 жыл бұрын
I agree, very good advice!
@Tbn48ibp
10 ай бұрын
My guy is willing to make some changes which is good…but there is soooo much. Benches on thr front porch, dangling chimes with her memorial messages, key chains, every drawer has the funeral poems, etc. My guy is very attentive to me, states he’s ready to move on and even proposed informally; however, this is very uncomfortable for me. Hes asked me to live with him if I’d like to..and states as soon as a ring is on my finger, I can move and rearrange anything…well I want HIM to do that. I am sitting in his living room now and just in sight of vision I count over 20 items with memorial of wife items
@Tbn48ibp
9 ай бұрын
They have to want to remove the items. Your asking them to do it,,,,to me,,,is an issue. It has to be when they are ready!! If you bring it up and they are “oh gosh, yes, I will do that and I’ve been meaning to do it and they oblige then boom..that’s good! But if you’re begging them and reminding them or have to ask them more than once..that’s a problem !!
@kerstincastell1175
4 жыл бұрын
Is it normal for the person I'm dating to continuously visit places he used to spend time with his late girlfriend. He has just told me he goes to these places and is just sad. Yet he refuses to spend time making new memories with me or anyone. When we talk about it he says he loves me and wants to be with me. I'm not sure if I should leave to give him time. It has been 7 years this month that she pasted. We have been together one year and thing seem to be regressing. Could it be due to her anniversary coming up? This is so hard to figure out.
@DatingaWidower
4 жыл бұрын
Kerstin Castell Not normal and not good. This has nothing to do with the upcoming anniversary date. He’s depressed and need professional help.
@RG-hf4et
4 жыл бұрын
Some widowers date too early and intentionality or unintentionally, use women as a band aide to ease their sorrow, help fill the void, and hopefully move on. I agree he is depressed..... You want a relationship. He will stay for as long as you let him. Time for you to move on. Seven years is way too long to be grieving and expecting a woman like yourself to be "understanding". If he was divorced and acting the same way, how would you feel?
@kerstincastell1175
4 жыл бұрын
Thank you for you input. It makes sense.
@russellkelly5665
2 жыл бұрын
My ring is on my right hand. I grew up that you wear it on your right hand for at least a year.
@dorothyseelig6037
3 жыл бұрын
I have been dating for two years and he has called me 4 or 5 times the name of his deceased wife. He reconnected with a old friend and he sent her pics of his deceased wife and nephew they raised but no mention of me. He has been ill recently and his grown kids will hardly give me any info. Like I'm a friend and not a girlfriend. Are these red flags? I don't know what he has told his kids but apparently not what I think he should have. What do you think?
@DatingaWidower
3 жыл бұрын
If he's not telling his kids (or anyone else) the real status of your relationship, that's a big red flag. You're not a mistress.
@Tbn48ibp
9 ай бұрын
All Red flags!!!
@moniquesassysag7764
3 жыл бұрын
My question is... What if the widower doesn't want to cover up his wedding ring which is a tattoo? ... Is the logic still the same? He said he would cover up the tattoo if he gets married but not now... Even after I explained to him how it makes me feel... My feelings didnt change his stance on the matter...
@DatingaWidower
3 жыл бұрын
Is the tattoo on his finger? If so, how would he cover it up? With an actual ring?
@moniquesassysag7764
3 жыл бұрын
@@DatingaWidower its on his ring finger in place of where a wedding band would normally be... That is considered his wedding ring. He would cover with a new tattoo
@moniquesassysag7764
3 жыл бұрын
First, thank you so much for your response! I've been watching your videos for the last 2 weeks... For more background info. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for going on 5 months. When we met, he was a widower for 2 1/2 years... On our first date, he briefly talked about his deceased wife and showed me a photo of them 2 together. I was a little taken aback because i didnt expect it... Over time, we have gotten to know each other and have been getting closer. He doesn't have photos or any memorabilia of her that i know of out in the open... but he does have several photos in his phone of her or them together and saved text messages between the 2 of them. When we first started to get to know each other, his facebook profile picture was of the 2 of them. I haven't looked at his profile picture to see if its still there. Im too afraid to look 😔... He has expressed interest in me, wants us to move in together and have a child together. But it worries me that i feel like the discussion about his ex wife is off limits. When i asked him if the tattoo is a wedding ring he said yes. When i asked him if he would one day cover it, he says yes, but only when he gets remarried. He says that it wont erase her. In the beginning, i told him that him being a widower isnt a deal breaker for me... But what is a deal breaker is the lack of communication, the lack of empathy for me, and not feeling like my feelings matter or respected. I feel like he really does care about me, but there are some things that worry me... Your opinion is much appreciated on this... Im thinking that this wont work out...
@DatingaWidower
3 жыл бұрын
Trust your gut. If you don't feel cared for, respected, or that you matter, there's probably a good reason for this even if you can't pinpoint it. I wouldn't move in or have a child with him until you feel like he's moved forward and you're #1. As for the ring, I think he should get it covered up (redone) sometime after an engagement but before the marriage. But it sounds like there are bigger issues (communication) that need to be resovled first.
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