Peace Corps isn't a walk in the park and there are certainly days or weeks filled with bad moments where the thought, "I wish it would just end" can find its way into your head.
For me, I was never seriously depressed or sad during my Peace Corps service but I did have a bad first year where I thought some really bad, unhealthy things.
One time, it happened when I got really sick and thought jokingly about writing my last words. That joke became a serious consideration of whether it would really be a bad thing if I died. It might change how people viewed my failures and my inability to turn things in my classroom up to that point. I got over that sickness and still had some dark thoughts though about how I wanted to die if I did so as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I also struggled with food as I found food intake to be the aspect of my initially chaotic Peace Corps life where I could actually exert control, despite if my decisions were unhealthy.
My thoughts on the opinions of others if I died there and food were not good thoughts. Perhaps I should have shared them with others while I was there because thinking back, there was a risk that they could have become something worse.
Luckily my second year found me healthier, doing better in the classroom, and eating better. Other volunteers were also doing better. Our support network was really good. Even if we weren't sharing private thoughts, there's comfort in sharing with others.
I know I wasn't alone in having dark thoughts and others definitely had it worse. One volunteer left because the PCMO diagnosed her as depressed in a single phone call. Other volunteers undoubtedly left on their own because they recognized they were in a bad situation and the best solution was that plane ticket home. I don't know if anyone was ever suicidal and Peace Corps has few deaths because of it (1 in 20 years) but I wouldn't doubt it if some people had suicidal thoughts.
I applaud all the people who recognized they were in a bad spot and made the decision to leave. Peace Corps knows it doesn't have the professional staff available for handling these cases. They put a lot of energy and effort into making sure Peace Corps volunteers themselves can act as a strong support network. It's not perfect but it's something.
Overall, Peace Corps volunteers enjoy their experience. But be aware that just like any job or place in the world, you can have dark thoughts which can lead to darker things. Sharing with other volunteers is often the best form of therapy available.
Негізгі бет I was a Peace Corps Volunteer: Dark Thoughts, Depression, and Suicide
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