"Never defend yourself to a narcissist. They already know you're right. The just want you to go crazy trying to prove it."
@happyjmc
3 жыл бұрын
wow, I love this!!!!!!
@edelweissdebergbaldrian7696
3 жыл бұрын
100% Truth!
@tooakki
3 жыл бұрын
powerful
@farfromillusion
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you profusely for this liberating insight.
@b_miss4517
3 жыл бұрын
Sadly yes
@MD-vb1hq
3 жыл бұрын
They're never listening TO you; they're listening FOR you to give clues on where they should attack next.
@vkng_drag0n982
3 жыл бұрын
So true
@teal1010
3 жыл бұрын
Exactly!!! 👍 I used to wonder why they were always "staring" at me. Now I know!
@mrs.salazar5219
3 жыл бұрын
Facts!
@AuntyEsther
3 жыл бұрын
That's why we shouldn't explain or defend ourselves verbally with Narcissists, it's simply giving them more potential ammo. Give them a look and they can't argue with that.
@sofiastark5446
3 жыл бұрын
100%
@priyapandurangi
3 жыл бұрын
Some superheroes do not wear a cape. Dr. Ramani is one of them.
@jaykram7754
3 жыл бұрын
Is Dr. Ramani related to Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl?.... Bob Parr (A.K.A. Mr. Incredible), and his wife Helen (A.K.A. Elastigirl), are the world's greatest famous crime-fighting superheroes in Metroville. Always saving lives and battling evil on a daily basis. They do not wear capes! From the 2004 movie, "The Incredibles".
@rjyadventures
3 жыл бұрын
She is very wise and easy to understand. Always something to learn from every video she puts out. We are lucky to have her with us.
@user-of9bx1uk3u
3 жыл бұрын
Very much so!!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
@staciemarie5859
3 жыл бұрын
@@jaykram7754 Very well said 💜
@madeleinelynskey9483
3 жыл бұрын
Oh definitely 😊.
@teal1010
3 жыл бұрын
One of the most painful experiences: "pouring your heart out" to someone that doesn't care!
@roseglasses1
3 жыл бұрын
Daily. I’ve gone insane writing endless messages in the hopes of getting back compassion. Now he gets to call me crazy.
@teal1010
3 жыл бұрын
Exactly! I thought I was supposed to "do everything I could" to get HIM to understand! Why did I only feel "insane" when I was with him? After ten years, I realized I was pouring water in a glass with no bottom! Done! ✅
@myrtillforis762
3 жыл бұрын
😨😥
@myrtillforis762
3 жыл бұрын
@@roseglasses1 😥
@myrtillforis762
3 жыл бұрын
@@teal1010 😥
@NarcSurvivor
3 жыл бұрын
Observe what they’re saying, but don’t absorb it. Don’t identify with it. Recognise as something that is separate to you and something that belongs to them.
@DJBenito304
3 жыл бұрын
“Observe don’t absorb”- Ross Rosenberg
@melodyharmony8448
3 жыл бұрын
How does an empathetic person not absorb? With practice!
@martialmusic
3 жыл бұрын
@@melodyharmony8448 absorb means to take it personally. You should say to yourself “there they go again, treating me like they treat everyone (which is true). Poor thing they are out of control. Perhaps I can be kind and de escalate the situation (IF I have the training) so they can get back to what passes for normal for them. If not poor thing I won’t take your remarks as having to do with me...they have to do with you.” One is still stressed by the situation but the stress is much reduced. And once it really cools down you can tall yourself that yiu handled yourself well while the other person was making an asshole of themself...and you did not. It works but it takes practice. But pride and a sense of personal empowerment comes from it. You do NOT get power over the other person. But realizing you have power over yourself and you remained a lady or a gentleman when they acted like a fool and tried to get yiu to be a bigger fool. If you argue with them or act inappropriately and become the bigger fool then they win. They made a fool of you. If you let them win the fool’s contest, well good. I do not wish to win the fool’s contest and be the bigger fool. 😊 it has taken me years to learn how to do this and much of it I taught myself. Now all these narcissism videos have come out and (deep sigh) they have served to validate me. And to encourage me to keep up the good work. If you remain in a relationship with them you will still suffer sometimes at their hands. But you will not suffer even further because you played into their hands. You can do it too. Love, Bob
@ЛюдаЛ-ж6л
3 жыл бұрын
@@martialmusic "they tried to get you to be a bigger fool. If you do become the bigger fool then they win" Well said, thank you! :)
@amylee6585
3 жыл бұрын
WORD
@JC-bu6vl
3 жыл бұрын
Having a conversation with a narcissist is like a nightmare you can't wake up from.
@ladybaabaa3294
3 жыл бұрын
That's because the nightmare is in THEIR head, not yours. They live in it, unfortunately for them. We don't have to.
@jessicaisabellekirchner6080
3 жыл бұрын
And youre litteraly get nightmares
@JC-bu6vl
3 жыл бұрын
@@jessicaisabellekirchner6080 nightmares, PTSD, C-PTSD, anxiety. It's enough to spend a lifetime in a psychiatrists office.
@annabeah183
3 жыл бұрын
Complete with the feeling of being stuck in slow motion.
@happygrandchildren1515
3 жыл бұрын
@@annabeah183 Wow! Spot on!
@phinton314
3 жыл бұрын
My therapist told me, "When he starts with his disruption, don't defend yourself. Just look at him and think, this is who he is." It took me a while, but now I get it. Thank you Dr. Ramani for supporting me. I couldn't do it without you. You've changed my life for the better!
@brimstone33
3 жыл бұрын
One thing that Dr. R does which has been very helpful is that she says the same things, which are really pretty simple, over and over again in slightly different ways. Dealing with a narc is not intuitive. They don't react like healthy people. It takes a while - it's taking me a while - to slowly learn the rules of the game. And it will always be the narc's rules when you play with them, they won't (can't) have it any other way. Dr. R repeatedly lays out those same basic principles with slightly different insights each week. So now I can listen to one of Dr R's videos and reflect on specific situations and judge if my reaction was helpful or harmful. The more I listen to her the more the fog starts to clear on an absolutely baffling and frustrating relationship, and the faster I can recognize a developing situation and start to get ahead of it. It seems the narc has powerful weapons but they are actually few in number and easy to recognize once you know them.
@DavidFraser007
3 жыл бұрын
I would look at him and think, OMG, I married a child
@joseenoel8093
3 жыл бұрын
Go Paula Go! We had nowhere to turn and she gives us directions.... New fuels!
@bjohnson2110
3 жыл бұрын
@@brimstone33 YES, (Conditioning) !!! I constantly repeat to others WATCH Dr Ramani over and over. She tells you the same thing to drill it in.
@overseaoversea6602
3 жыл бұрын
@@brimstone33 Yes, that what they are. If they are dumb it is their point in evolution, or if they play dumb that's not healthy
@jeaniebritz4587
3 жыл бұрын
This means you cannot talk to them at all ever. Moved on and learned lessons. Freedom to be myself.
@melodyharmony8448
3 жыл бұрын
That's what it all boils down to. Great comment!
@manitahathi9361
3 жыл бұрын
Hmmm, harsh reality
@vkng_drag0n982
3 жыл бұрын
Amen sister!
@BonesAndButtons
3 жыл бұрын
So true!
@user-of9bx1uk3u
3 жыл бұрын
Spot on!👏🏽
@shiny7301
3 жыл бұрын
They're like invisible black holes swallowing and destroying nice people near by them...
@JasonKale
3 жыл бұрын
Wow..hahah so right on..
@shiny7301
3 жыл бұрын
@@JasonKale 😊
@heatherg5854
3 жыл бұрын
Yes and no.... Im pretty sure my narcissist was abused as a child and is very insecure for alot of different reasons.
@shiny7301
3 жыл бұрын
@@heatherg5854 Tortured children becoming torturers when they're grown up. But they don't understand that it's not fair to take revenge their past from innocent people around them...
@joseenoel8093
3 жыл бұрын
Try to cheer them up and live to regret it, what a thing.....
@sophiacylle
3 жыл бұрын
Don't Defend. Don't Explain. Don't Engage. Don't Personalize. Being Authentic is hard when you know people are using it against you. But its not forever! Others will see you and the difference in communication and the ability to be you will be night and day! Don't ignore the red flags.
@ManjuKannan23
3 жыл бұрын
🙌🏻💯
@manaswini11
2 жыл бұрын
Same happened with me
@elizabethkelly1078
2 жыл бұрын
I think the narcissist must feel very humiliated when they can't rattle you or get you to react anymore. What else do they have when they lose that power over you.
@maggieraynehealthsolutions
Ай бұрын
Thank God we have blocking tools on our phones and social media sites.
@yaseminureorion
3 жыл бұрын
Oh that feeling of eternal misunderstanding... This took years from my life explaining... And trying to explain everything to a black hole...
@ruby-qv5bd
3 жыл бұрын
Me, too!
@ladybaabaa3294
3 жыл бұрын
It's like trying to soak up water (aka explaining a problem / feeling) with a sponge (aka a narcissistic) that's already fully saturated with its own liquid (aka inability to comprehend any other point of view but their own). What happens if you try? The original water (aka problem / feelings) is still there, but now you've got even MORE water all over the floor because the soaking sponge (aka narc) has been squeezed. Pointless!
@KatieM786
3 жыл бұрын
Being undiagnosed autistic with a narc partner was a really dark and confusing time in my life. Glad I got out. Hope you are all ok guys xxxx
@ladybaabaa3294
3 жыл бұрын
@@KatieM786 That must have been absolutely horrendous. You are so brave and strong!
@KatieM786
3 жыл бұрын
@@ladybaabaa3294 Thank you 💜💕 It's only looking back that I realise the shell of myself I had become at the end. He was dissatisfied with everything and I was like "look you clearly don't even like me as a person anymore so why are we bothering here?". The eventual discard was spectacular and timed for the biggest hurt and disruption in my life. Then he wanted to be friends! *Friends!!!!!!* I can't repeat what I told him lol xx
@birdgirl8390
3 жыл бұрын
I don't need the deep technique, I need the "don't start laughing" technique. It's just, ever since I've learned about narcissism and what makes it characteristic, I just can't stop myself from bursting into tears from laughing so hard when they go into narc mode. It's like they all follow a manual or a narc skript and they're so stuck in it that I can't help but laugh like an idiot. I was raised thinking that every single one of us is absolutely unique and then they're just all the same, LITERALLY!!!
@mrmeekcreices
3 жыл бұрын
Haha i laugh at narcs too now. It makes them so uncomfortable which then makes me giggle more. But this deep technique is definitely useful when you cant just laugh em off.
@JohnLW100
3 жыл бұрын
I haven’t yet got to this stage of immunity. My amygdala hijacks me every time !
@mindrainelight3918
3 жыл бұрын
The Problem is the acompaigning sadness, when it is your mother.
@charityrose5598
3 жыл бұрын
Yes, I too have to keep myself from laughing at him sometimes. But it also makes me feel like I'm just as horrible as he is when I show no empathy. It's odd. I sometimes have had to ask myself if I'm the narc when I want to tell him to "stop" or "I've heard this before" or "do we have to talk about this AGAIN (and I can no longer hide the sarcasm) " or "I don't have time for this because I have to get ready for work". Does this make sense?
@itsgabgg6781
3 жыл бұрын
I also have my laughing fits. My ex cheated on me so much and tried to justify it with, "Whenever you were distant (busy) I looked for comfort somewhere else and I did sleep with other people. But whenever things were going fine I didn't do anything with anyone else (lie). I just wanted you to know that." LMAO are you serious? These narcs actually believe this stuff and think that is justified and that they're saints. I don't even pity them anymore. No contact is the only way.
@goverlord
3 жыл бұрын
I remember a particular argument where I said "excuse me for trying to defend myself." My mom turned to me and said, "YOU have no defense." I never tried to talk to her again.
@NotIt1024
3 жыл бұрын
I am sorry 😞Thankful for your good instincts but I hopefully you realise you have a defense and you are important and deserve to be defended.
@bobbiedzarate
3 жыл бұрын
I'm sorry you went thru that growing up. I'm so glad we have folks like Dr. R to help us recognize, acknowledge, accept and heal😇
@NotIt1024
3 жыл бұрын
@@bobbiedzarate 💜💜💜
@melissad.6722
3 жыл бұрын
Horrible but sure shows their God complex of judge jury executioner.
@kimberlyfowler840
3 жыл бұрын
I also was raised by a narcissistic mom, stay strong
@free5pirit01
3 жыл бұрын
If I had known this years ago it would have saved me so much time, energy and pain. Sigh.
@joseenoel8093
3 жыл бұрын
Least you know, there's got to be more out there who don't, than do! 🙏🙋
@janetpattison8474
3 жыл бұрын
AMEN to that! I feel like my whole life has been ruined by continuous stream of narcissistic abusers, and I didn’t get it until recently.
@marama49cabrera57
3 жыл бұрын
Is never to late to fight for our mental health friend. ⚘
@susanklein7448
3 жыл бұрын
Living with a narcissist is like "living in an eternal kangaroo court" OMG so brilliant!
@Darlenejoy
2 ай бұрын
I liked that part too. Kangaroo court with no due process.
@georgiakarmaniola4785
3 жыл бұрын
As I watch dr.Ramani’s videos I realize I made so many mistakes and wasted so much energy while going nuts trying to explain and trying to defend myself in my almost 7 year relationship with my ex narcissist . It’s all so clear now...I was not crazy ! 1 month and counting the blessings ! 🙏
@itsgabgg6781
3 жыл бұрын
Document every situation of love bombing. If he tries to text, call, leave gifts at your house. If it is known no contact you can file for an emergency protective order and get a final protective order in court with your documented evidence. That's what I'm doing right now.
@philima
3 жыл бұрын
Congratulations on getting your life back 👏😊🥳 it's so much better
@LauraK93
3 жыл бұрын
Wishing you peace.
@rosalindalopez1045
3 жыл бұрын
I put up with it for my children to keep their dad. Now they are married and have children. You can imagine the length of my nightmare!! I plan to divorce very soon and spend my left years of my life in healthy, peaceful environment, or in solitude.
@catlady6938
3 жыл бұрын
@@philima I kept saying to myself I need my life back, I am finally at the stage to take it back now after the second hoover, neither worked and I have not seen him in two months, I just need him to stop texting me.
@limbinalspace
3 жыл бұрын
Grey rocking doesn’t work on my narc it just escalates the situation because he’d rather fight than deal with my peace & tranquility
@rm1558
3 жыл бұрын
Yeah they get mad, and then mental abuse come to physical in worst cases, the worst thing about mental abuse is you can’t show it to other people that atleast they can believe it, It’s just the mental thing going on all over the place,
@usernameluis305
3 жыл бұрын
My brother was the same. I tried to ignore his hours of rage outburst, but that seemed to make him angrier and more physical
@retrobarbie9028
3 жыл бұрын
Also experiencing this one! They want a reaction. Any reaction. And the anger escalates until they can feed off of your reaction. No reactions means there is nothing to feed.
@eddierayvanlynch6133
3 жыл бұрын
Please do what you can to be safe, Holly. 🙏♥️
@genevalawrence801
3 жыл бұрын
Holly, while I don't know you or your details, this sounds all too familiar to me, and it's setting off alarm bells in my head. Someone who escalates like that gets off on the escalation and the fight and "winning." Hurting you (possibly just emotionally now, but don't count on it staying at that level) makes him feel in control and powerful. It won't stop. It will likely get worse. Power over you may be his drug of choice, and if that's true he'll need more to feed the habit as time passes. You may not be safe.
@deniseavanderwerf4901
3 жыл бұрын
30 years of trying to figure him out. Blaming his traumatic childhood and father issues. Trying to better myself. 60, no job, many miles away from family, and no support system. Your videos are filling my soul with validation. Thank you!
@lavettastevenson
Жыл бұрын
35 years. 60 years old. Please build your support team to exit safely.
@ladypeace8912
Жыл бұрын
I’m in 16 years and so scared to still be stuck at your age. It’s my worst fear
@lavettastevenson
Жыл бұрын
@@ladypeace8912 well my best advice is to make a plan and execute. I didn’t have a real exit plan. Just making that now. Wishing you the best!
@carmenl163
Жыл бұрын
@@ladypeace8912it's a realistic fear. I was stuck in my narc family (parents and brother) until now, at 57. It's seems so hard to get out, but trust me, once you're doing it, it's not as horrible as you anticipated it to be. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. That's what they have done to you. But your mind will heal fast, once it gets the opportunity. It's ready. I wish you courage and strength, and many years full of love and respect. You deserve it.
@ozzieenglelewis
6 ай бұрын
This is my exact experience.
@dragonfox2.058
3 жыл бұрын
Ramani is a national treasure
@zumbanatalieb
3 жыл бұрын
International! 🙌🏽
@defenseagainststalking
3 жыл бұрын
I go DEEP-ER, Exit and Run!
@vibehigh5280
3 жыл бұрын
Hehe yes!!
@deadislander
3 жыл бұрын
Wish I could afford living alone
@nottoday4586
3 жыл бұрын
Haha!
@denisec6473
3 жыл бұрын
Hell yeah 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
@sabrinamohammed9778
3 жыл бұрын
@Mc Allen City Corruption lollll I agree!!!!!! 💯💯💯 #runforestrun
@gretchen0684
3 жыл бұрын
I feel like I have wasted so much time and energy, especially now that I know that for almost two years, I've been doing the equivalent of arguing with a box of rocks
@joseenoel8093
3 жыл бұрын
Ha ha, it's like we'd need a stick of dynamite to move their thinking! Kaboom, mine gets! He's learning the hard, I'm gonna ruffle your rocks you piss me off so much, way! If I ever cook for him again (been a decade, only at Xmas and he'd better stay out of my kitchen) I'll say "Hay pile of rocks, which hot 🔥 spice you want added so you can taste something?"
@juneo7
3 жыл бұрын
Try 14 yrs😭🙅♀️🤦🏻♀️
@usernameluis305
3 жыл бұрын
10:30 it took me a long time to realize that narcissism is about superficiality and being so egoistic and insecure that making everyone else around them feel bad is sort of par for the course
@heyla8401
3 жыл бұрын
So true! A narc's insecurities are mind boggling. You cannot reason with or defend yourself when dealing with a narc. You are wasting your time and energy.
@LadyPhoenix24
3 жыл бұрын
DEEP: Don't Defend, Explain, Engage, and Personalize. Thanks Doctor Ramani.
@Nathania96
3 жыл бұрын
Yup, I used to defend myself, try to explain so he could understand me and why I was hurt by his behaviours. I used to engage so we could sort out issues and it was personalised because our relationship was so important to me, I wanted us to resolve and learn from our fights. In the end, I was blamed for my reactions. He discarded me because he was “scared of my reactions” and that I “loved to argue”. Better yet, if we could have argued in his language “he would win and not me”. It was never about winning - for me, it was what I thought was for love.
@melissad.6722
3 жыл бұрын
Crazy making!
@ladybaabaa3294
3 жыл бұрын
GASLIGHT!!!!!!!
@helengabionza9513
3 жыл бұрын
We are the same points of view
@JC-bu6vl
3 жыл бұрын
Nope, every conversation for these people is about winning. Life is a competition for them.
@helengabionza9513
3 жыл бұрын
Only now i know this DEEP after i cried so much believing all d mistakes issues came from me
@wishingonthemoon1
3 жыл бұрын
“An eternal misunderstanding because they lack self-awareness capabilities.” YES. I mean it’s like Groundhog Day the nightmare
@dragonfox2.058
3 жыл бұрын
I use this online all the time. They try to define me and I say "I know who I am...say whatever you want"
@bonniehoke-scedrov4906
3 жыл бұрын
This is very tough to learn, but essential. Beware when you’re tired, just got up, going to bed-you can get caught of guard and suddenly you’re defending in court.
@alabama.worley
2 жыл бұрын
Soooo true. I've been doing extremely well handling my pathologically narcissistic mother throughout the past year, and found myself defending when caught off guard one morning. Mere seconds later, I realized I'd done so retrospectively and was beyond frustrated. Suffice to say, I learnt this lesson at that very moment, and am even more cautious now with EVERY communicative exchange.
@happyjmc
3 жыл бұрын
This is how ive been raised, this is the past 55 years of my life!!!!
@eddierayvanlynch6133
3 жыл бұрын
Hang in there, Jill I've seen more than one supportive comment from you, so I know you're a good egg. Stay Strong 💪
@christinajackson3461
3 жыл бұрын
Me too. It's only been the last couple of years that I've actually started to see it for what it is... Out of my control
@happyjmc
3 жыл бұрын
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 wishing for a good life for us! With much healing xo
@teal1010
3 жыл бұрын
😢💪💞
@joseenoel8093
3 жыл бұрын
Survivor, rock on! Like your hat,.my last name is Xmas!
@michelepascoe6068
3 жыл бұрын
"Its not because you aren't good enough, it's because they're treating you badly." Thank you Dr Ramani. I kept engaging for decades with my mother and her flying monkeys, giving them opportunities to treat me with contempt. Life is so much better with only people who reciprocate love and appreciation. I grieve for the people who used to love me in return but were turned against me by slander, but they are no longer the loving ones they were. They are different, practising their cruelty, so I'm not begging any more.
@Yeshuaseekinggirl
3 жыл бұрын
It’s been so hard getting over the devaluing and discarding stage for me.
@matilda1505
3 жыл бұрын
Same here ! Devastating !
@judythorsgaard4388
3 жыл бұрын
It's horrible. Just remember that you ARE valuable and worth your weight in gold! (hugs)
@matilda1505
3 жыл бұрын
@@judythorsgaard4388 Thanks and right back at you !
@KatieM786
3 жыл бұрын
You will get there and you will be stronger because of it. Big loves xxx
@cassandracarrizo6429
3 жыл бұрын
It's hard, because you still hear their words ringing in your head. Once you start to hear Dr Ramani's words, and understand the truth, you will have peace.
@donnaschnare7029
2 ай бұрын
Oh boy … I did this and I am ashamed. My son married a covert Narc and I bought into it hook line and sinker for awhile also. Then recently he accused me of a laundry list of things I did NOT do and I got so defensive - it got ugly , the call ended and I haven’t heard a peep from him I am 72 and been supportive of him for 49 years. Than this person comes along and snap, just like that he is gone. I am thankful he shares custody of my granddaughter and that her mother has expressed that she needs me in her life and will let me visit with her - it is the worst thing I have ever experienced and never met anyone like his wife before. She is the poster child of a narcissist- she love bombed him and me.. and slowly dismissed me after I did so much for her , her kids and them as a couple. It is hard to be done. But your videos are helping a lot.. I am stamping DEEP on my forehead … thank you
@tamarabennie2374
3 жыл бұрын
This makes so much sense. No wonder why they suck the life and engery out of you.😔
@joseenoel8093
3 жыл бұрын
We make sense, they don't, shake their craziness on us, duck!
@sarahm2054
3 жыл бұрын
That's exactly what they do, & they know it too😒... Much peace & Blessing to you💞
@MsSusiePan
3 жыл бұрын
My mom is a grandiose narcissist. When I was younger and tired of dealing with her devaluing phases, I’d just stare at her as she was calling me names and accusing me of doing and feeling things I never did. I was grey rocking and didn’t even know. That made her even more furious. She used to tell me to stop staring her with my “snake eyes”
@krisk2515
3 жыл бұрын
That statement about how grey rocking is hard because it’s a constant inauthentic state was gold for me! It’s exactly how I feel and tried to express. It is almost just as taxing as interacting. I stick to it but it feels so foreign and at times like I am losing who I am. But having close friends is absolutely key. Thank you for this validation
@katherinebaldwin2308
2 жыл бұрын
I agree. I'm autistic and it feels so loathsome.
@thomase13
2 жыл бұрын
@@katherinebaldwin2308 Never seen anyone else acknowledge this before but I was thinking the same thing - this must be so much harder for autists!
@ladypeace8912
Жыл бұрын
I have had to repeat the mantra of don’t defend and don’t explain to myself while he is ranting and cursing at me. It was so hard to hold my tongue back. Then when I didn’t engage at all, he hit me a few times as if he was frustrated that he didn’t get a reaction. I’m still stuck here
@agniukaz10
3 жыл бұрын
This channel is a gold mine. Once you gain clarity on narcissistic patterns, you realise that you are the power because you have what they need and they are dependent on it. You can actually find observing their behaviours quite amusing. But more often it's just sad, especially, if they are someone you used to respect.
@asiasmith6924
2 жыл бұрын
I couldn’t agree with you more
@LJ-qs3wq
Жыл бұрын
Good points made in your post. Also, where you wrote, "But more often it's just sad, especially, if they are someone you used to respect." Ah, yes. My "aha moment," realizing how I let myself be duped while I also RESPECTED and TRUSTED him -- "aha" and then "oh, no" and "why?" -- thinking on those and then making me very sad and sometimes angry.
@AAXS-op1vo
Жыл бұрын
“ used to” being the operative words.
@infinitetundra
3 жыл бұрын
I swear Dr. Ramani, Melania Tonia Evans, Ross Rosenberg, Lisa Romano and others I am sorry I didn’t get to are like The Avengers of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery.
@eddierayvanlynch6133
3 жыл бұрын
🎯 We're lucky to be able to get this training from them, too
@drlarrymitchell
3 жыл бұрын
GRANNON!
@svetlanaleonova590
3 жыл бұрын
SAM VAKNIN!
@infinitetundra
3 жыл бұрын
@@svetlanaleonova590 Isn’t he a Narcissist? In that case, may as well say HG Tudor too
@joseenoel8093
3 жыл бұрын
Hi sugar, hope your keeping well from French Canada 🇨🇦!
@dr.spencerreid2991
3 жыл бұрын
Love this community of survivor's #family
@phalinimcleod8819
3 жыл бұрын
Survivors Support Group!!!
@R91ellaK
3 жыл бұрын
We elect the one whose alias is _Dr. Spencer Reid_ as our president😅👌🏾
@jennyp4934
3 жыл бұрын
I wish I knew this as a child. My mother accused me of terrible things on a regular basis and defending myself caused her to harm me emotionally and physically. Was terrible and scary.
@user-uc4pf2rt4j
3 жыл бұрын
So sorry you experienced this. 💔💔💔
@amandapetty6715
3 жыл бұрын
💙
@wendi-bnkywuv
Жыл бұрын
I didn't start defending myself until I got into my teens and was forced to live with my "mother". Our society is toxic with it's whole mantra of "people will accept you for who you are if you just explain and be true to yourself with them" and "everyone has good in them somewhere!!" nonsense.
@FaithfulandTrue949
3 жыл бұрын
Don't Defend, Explain, Engage, Personalise Deep = the authentic person's response to the narc's DARVO encompassing Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim Offender. Thank you Dr Ramani 🙏💖
@mantisno9201
Жыл бұрын
Your comment 🔥🔥... Can you please help me understand RVO part in DARVO?
@fighttheevilrobots3417
Жыл бұрын
@@mantisno9201Dr. Ramani has a video on it.
@mantisno9201
Жыл бұрын
@@fighttheevilrobots3417 cool will check it out
@19ghost73
Жыл бұрын
@@mantisno9201 The narc switches the roles of who is the offender and who is the victim. While the narc is the offender in reality, s/he will try to portray the situation as if the narc is the victim, and the victim in reality is the offender.
@mantisno9201
Жыл бұрын
@@19ghost73 damn bro you just twisted my mind there for a minute and it all makes sense. 🤔😂 Thanks So in short the Narcissist is a victim in a sense?
@kaddylady5853
3 жыл бұрын
"...An eternal misunderstanding" Well said, Dr. Ramani.
@APlus-qx7no
3 жыл бұрын
I went to my elderly father's physical therapy session to be supportive to him. (He was a narcissist, but I didn't know that at the time.) He yelled at me, "you're a worthless piece of shit!" and the physical therapist looked shocked. I calmly said, "you're having a bad day. I'm leaving." And I left.
@taylorthomas8869
3 жыл бұрын
The things that come out of their mouths😳
@francoisgouws7288
3 жыл бұрын
Next time he can go alone!
@plumduff3303
3 жыл бұрын
I am sorry to hear your father was horrible to you ..mine was similar when he died it was a relief
@amber40494
3 жыл бұрын
Sorry your dad was like mine!
@dudanunesbleff
3 жыл бұрын
I am sorry your father said that to you.
@annabelcampotaylor1717
3 жыл бұрын
I used to get invalidated with “it’s not that deep” all the time so the deep technique takes on a whole new meaning for me
@danielforlano
3 жыл бұрын
I survived adolescence as a grey rock. I became one long before I knew what one was. I was near completely shut down and void. I made a promise to myself that some day I would be free to shine: have friends, an emotional life, live to speak my truth.
@martefact
3 жыл бұрын
Me too...not quite at wish fulfillment yet though. i hope you are.
@danielforlano
3 жыл бұрын
No. I live on eggshells, any person or gig could be another coercive control. And the mobbing continues.
@newborndragon8403
3 жыл бұрын
You were a wise and strong adolescent, WtW! I hope you're feeling the freedom now.
@mamashanshan2772
3 жыл бұрын
Keeping silent has been my best safety.
@devidaughter7782
3 жыл бұрын
don't DEEP: defend, explain, engage, and personalize. . . "to explain. . . and then have it ignored, is extremely invalidating" (5:14). . . "in the long term, remaining in any kind of narcissistic relationship is not good for your health" (6:24). . . "emotional abuse is not okay. never." (8:12)
@aprilharrison5702
3 жыл бұрын
Every time I start to think I could maybe have a relationship with my narc mom, I always start defending, explaining, and engaging because she tries everything to get any kind of rise out of me. Then I remember who TF I am and don’t need to do that anymore :)
@Linda2
3 жыл бұрын
Thankyou so much Dr.Ramani. I have been out of the relationship for 4 months now and have been following your advice. You have empowered me and made me feel strong again. The old me is back and I love her. I am confident, and free. You are a treasure for us all. 🌟
@joseenoel8093
3 жыл бұрын
Nice tuxedo cat, me too, I'm addicted to them!
@Linda2
3 жыл бұрын
@@joseenoel8093 Phoebe is a Norwegian Forest Cat. She gives me sanity in this crazy world.
@bellisimaamor6245
3 жыл бұрын
You are talking to someone who is not listening. No understanding. So true.
@DartmoorPaul
Жыл бұрын
Until I went into therapy and uncovered the narcissistic abuse my mother dished out all my life, you could have powered a small city on the energy I wasted on her defending and explaining myself 😢 Thank you Dr Ramani for this short, to the point and extremely useful video
@jodycasey6936
3 жыл бұрын
OK I changed my mind... this is one of your best ones ever! Thank you for being here for me every day.
@raysofsunshinegirl2401
3 жыл бұрын
They only respect you when you go deep. You must realize that they're heartless meat sacks. There is nothing underneath that 3 year old babies filled diapers drama, called a narc rage theater play, they pull whenever they get a "no". Just go deep, walk out the door safely, never return , stay deep forever. Don't go looking for a heart where there is none.
@lorianne4608
3 жыл бұрын
Only a narcissist would give a thumbs down on your videos!
@colbysmom56
3 жыл бұрын
I agree with your opinion on grey-rocking. It's kind of being insincere about what you may be feeling. But it's kind of like ducking when a fist is coming at your face. Necessary!
@cacatr4495
3 жыл бұрын
It's CHOOSING what you convey. Since they use your own words, responses and emotional state against you, it is withholding that from them. Learning to "veil" one's facial expressions, means they can't tell what you're thinking. It gives them less to work with.
@jeffreyjackson5229
2 жыл бұрын
On one occasion, my father made a provocative statement accompanied by this sarcastic smile, I looked at him, turned, and walked away. That was the last time that I would see him before his multiple mini-strokes. I saw him once afterwards, but he was basically incapacitated. I moved back to Tennessee and was here just over one year when I got the news that he had passed.
@jsmorefield
3 жыл бұрын
If you are defending yourself in a narcissistic relationship, don’t! I tried to nicely defend myself from her lies but she never listened to me, nor would she ever listen to me. It was exactly a “kangaroo court” that she dragged out in front of everyone to make me the bad guy and her the innocent victim. Please, run away and never look back! It is not worth it.
@triscuit4000
3 жыл бұрын
Exactly, I relate to this.
@a.hassan8922
3 жыл бұрын
This is gold. Deep is the way you get to control and shut them out of their supply. They don't ever listen, they're not sincere, not authentic, so why bother trying to put things right. You know what you are and what you did, that's all that matters. Cut their supply and they will leave you alone sooner.
@A_lilBitRatchet
2 жыл бұрын
I visit this video from time to time to remind myself not to defend, engage, explain, nor personalize. I'm grateful for you Dr. Ramani. You helped me make it out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm finally divorced and, for the most part, free from the vulnerable narcissist. By the way, I love your podcast.
@MekalaMurali-x2q
9 ай бұрын
Wow, why didn't I now knew this years ago, suffering for more than 20 years leading into anxiety and panic disorders. Dr. Ramani, you're given me what I exactly need. Thank you
@nickrao5086
3 жыл бұрын
Love your videos! Could you do role plays? It would be very helpful to see an example of DEEP.
@karasmusic123
Жыл бұрын
Nobel prize material. God bless Dr. Ramani.
@karishort1891
3 жыл бұрын
For me, gray rocking is like crawling inside myself to hide myself. It is lonely and miserable but it beats defending myself for his sick entertainment. The superficial conversations are killing me. I hope I am out soon. Thank you for this video!
@Benjaminleo815
4 ай бұрын
I hope you got into a better situation.
@leesmith3505
Жыл бұрын
I now go by "If that's who you are, then that's YOU" attitude 🤭 This mantra helps me ensure I keep on following the DEEP Technique. Their words are meaningless to me now. They can say all hurtful stuff and I can still go on my day just fine. Lots of high-likely narcissistic people in the workplace. I'm starting to love my current job. I'm 7 months in and I want to stay with this company for the next 5 years or so. Thank you for everything. I can now coexist with these people and not break down and cry.
@crashlikewaves
3 жыл бұрын
I tried gray rock for a year - I couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance. I couldn't get the emotional distance to make it worth it.
@shiiaustria8521
2 жыл бұрын
No contact is better than grey rocking for me. The relationship just doesn't make sense anymore when you grey rock. I feel empty.
@sweetheart.nikkilee430
6 ай бұрын
This is so powerful. Going through so much at the moment, with work, with ex, with friends. I'm gonna go deep starting today.
@ElectrologyNow
3 жыл бұрын
Something to add to your narrative: endlessly talking about your narcissistic relationship to everybody you know. A beautiful friend is married (now divorcing) a textbook first-class narcissist. For years her friends heard her stories about “what he did this time.” Eventually, I got bored of the on-going saga with no conclusion. Eventually, I got irritated at her apparent weakness and inability to punch back. Still, the stories kept coming over-and-over ad nauseum ... it became her identity! Thank God it’s all changing now ... I hope! Divorcing. Don’t make living with a narcissist your identity. Don’t become a chronic complainer.
@redefinedliving5974
2 жыл бұрын
LOL you clearly dont understand the challenge here. so stop talking about it
@ElectrologyNow
2 жыл бұрын
@@redefinedliving5974 Not sure if your LOL comment was directed toward me ... However, "understanding" is an interesting concept. Two people can hear the same statement or view the same event; and have different "understandings." It happens all the time, and that's why we have different Political ideologies and Parties (for example). Your "command" that if person does not have YOUR "understanding" they cease any discussion, is a totalitarian statement: this is the thinking and directive of the Neo-Marxist "cancel culture." You don't agree? So, you want to shut the person down. Take a look at our Constitution some time, i.e., the First amendment.
@ElectrologyNow
2 жыл бұрын
@A M Well, sure if YOU say so ... but why do you fear other ideas or opinions? Psychology is not a religion ... Sad! I re-read my 5-months old post and the update is just wonderful! My dear friend is THRIVING ... SHE GOT out of the marriage. She has an awesome new job and is full of energy and enthusiasm. She even looks better! Funnily enough, when she does relate a "narcissist story" it's usually with a smile on her face. A person CAN escape the gulag.
@ElectrologyNow
2 жыл бұрын
@A M Thanks for a good, thoughtful and valid response ... and you're right! (Usually people just yell at me or call me names.) I have definitely seen people continue to associate with the same sort of person over-and-over ... until they realize what's happening. Until they get to the "eureka" moment it can be an endless dilemma. Be Well ... and I hope people who are living this nightmare find peace (and a little prosperity too).
@ElectrologyNow
2 жыл бұрын
@A M Just so that validation of one's mistreatment doesn't become your primary identity. You might end up being like Harry and Megan!
@beckijohnson4848
2 жыл бұрын
What I found helped me the most was when I realized I was not living with a normal person. It always frustrated me when I said or did something and his action or reaction was completely out of whack. Just out of left field. After one particularly egregious episode of gaslighting, it clicked for me. I was frustrated because I expected his response or his reaction to be what a normal person would do. I started to pay more attention to what he actually did (vs what a normal person would do), and gear my own expectations accordingly. Sometimes I would forget and again be surprised by his behavior, but that would just serve to help me adjust my expectations again. I realized it wasn't about me, it was his problem, and nothing I could do was ever going to wake him up or get him to change. As his irrational and irresponsible behaviors "got to me" less and less, he could see he was losing his grip on my mind. His power over me was slipping away. The more I employed the "DEEP" techniques you describe, the freer I got. Eventually he moved out and it was like a dark cloud was lifted from my home. I still had to stay in contact because of the minor children in the home. When we were forced to move to a different city, the abuse was mainly over the phone, so I was able to just hang up on him! That actually taught him that he would lose his audience if he became abusive. It worked really well! Rather than argue, defend myself, or otherwise engage, I would just hang up the phone and not answer it when he called me back a dozen times. He didn't change who he was, but he stopped abusing me on the phone.
@RickLoconto
3 жыл бұрын
Excellent Advice Dr Ramani 👍 I now see what I have been doing Wrong all along. I am Now Going DEEP. Thank you for being here for Us. ❤️
@marcusschmaling9
8 ай бұрын
As I listen I feel like you are putting language to my reality. So helpful. Thank you.
@reddishsky8614
3 жыл бұрын
Just happened yesterday. I decided not to give any respond, I didn't even try to defend myself when she started to blame things on me. I didn't even make any eye-contact. I didn't even show any emotion on my face. The only thing I tried is making sure her gaslighting didn't affect me emotionally. And I can see how confused my mom was. It felt so good that I can finally control myself more! Thank you Dr. Ramani! ❤
@IzabelaWaniek-i1x
7 ай бұрын
Your DEEP technique is brilliant dr Ramani. Thank you so much 😊 God bless you❤
@sharonannehenry
3 жыл бұрын
If you think about it grey rock is more authentic than fighting useless battles with the narcissist pretending like your feelings, words, etc might actually mean something to them.
@eddierayvanlynch6133
3 жыл бұрын
Agreed. Just like the doc says, we know we can't teach the narc, so why expend your energy? I think she means it's preferable to communicate, but that's rare with narcs. Stay Strong 💪
@unaburke1693
2 жыл бұрын
So many times he would turn a little accidental error if mine into an opportunity to berate me, insult me, call me insane, sick , stupid, threaten to abandon me ...and made me believe I was evil, mean, incompetent and not trustworthy. Thanks, your videos helped me restore a bit of serenity and the ability to trust myself again.
@usernameluis305
3 жыл бұрын
4:00 is very important. Since theyre not capable of self reflection, they think the same for you and that you must be jealous of them
@joseenoel8093
3 жыл бұрын
They can't figure it out, surprise, we love ourselves lots, keep your low self-esteem to yourself!
@casalagoinhapenaareia3044
3 жыл бұрын
This lady is a God sent
@EmiMakesIt
2 жыл бұрын
These videos have become my armor to put on to protect myself from my narcissistic parents. I’m nearly forty with a family of my own and I’ve felt wrong footed around them all my life, forever trying to defend or explain myself with only further defeat and humiliation to show for it. Dr Ramani has given me clarity to see the toxicity of this relationship and methods to refuse engagement. I’m so incredibly grateful.
@jdm5422
5 ай бұрын
Thank you so much for this. It has saved my life and sanity. I’ve seen your videos and applied them to the situation in my life. I used DEEP it was like watching a playbook. I could call the next play and just sit and watch. Took away my guilt gave me and my family boundaries, stability. You know it’s a game and I’m not playing it. It was just really amazing using this seeing it work and then the harsh reality of this person is a narcissist. It’s a game folks don’t play.
@rypoelk997
3 жыл бұрын
I'm going have to rewatch this one a few times, especially before visiting relatives
@cacatr4495
3 жыл бұрын
If they're like that, is it really wisdom to visit them?
@rypoelk997
3 жыл бұрын
@@cacatr4495 is it wisdom to comment when you know nothing about someone's situation
@chriswannabi
3 жыл бұрын
This is another form of the JADE technique. If i remember correctly, Doc taught this one as well. J - never JUSTIFY yourself A - never ARGUE with them D - never DEFEND yourself E - never EXPLAIN yourself *Argue = Personalize Explain = Engage Always good to add another technique, nevertheless, to my arsenal against the enemy. Thanks, Doc!
@mashrufee
3 жыл бұрын
I am taking Dr. Ramani dose every night before going to sleep ❤️
@sabrinamohammed9778
3 жыл бұрын
I do the same thing
@louc3135
3 жыл бұрын
@@sabrinamohammed9778 Same, as well.
@Sam_A_Sam
Жыл бұрын
Before the video really starts, I just have to say that the art behind her is placed so nicely. Everything is so aesthetically done, kudos to whoever arranged it, as well as the wall and sofa color choice.
@samarahernandez3878
3 жыл бұрын
I heard someone say a loooong time ago "Don't roll in the mud with pigs. You'll get dirty. And they will like it" I think of that as I'm watching this. Awesome information!
@nodumonotha8147
3 жыл бұрын
Dr Ramani you are saving lives!
@BushCookingandSurvival
3 жыл бұрын
This is one of my favorite topic and I really got my pen and paper. Thanks Doc 🙏
@vegadrummer
Жыл бұрын
I am not exaggerating when I say that stumbling on the videos of Dr. Ramani has changed my life. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani for being generous with your knowledge and explaining things in such a clear, informed, compassionate yet direct, no sugar coating way. I had reached a critical breaking point, my mental and physical health were breaking down. Now, as difficult and painful as it is, I see a way forward. ❤
@p.c.5482
3 жыл бұрын
THE ENDLESS TEXT BATTLES!! You are literally telling me EVERYTHING my narcissistic ex does to me daily... I can't thank you enough for what you do. You have helped me through so much with this person. Narcissistic abuse plus him also having mental issues is the worst combination. Co parenting with a person like this is a dead end... THANK YOU DR. RAMANI❤
@SharonFCorey
3 жыл бұрын
I LOVE THIS! Lots of these kind of people out there so, I have to keep watching this segment to allow it to sink in. Otherwise the Narcissistic people will keep us in an ETERNAL KANGAROO COURT. GO DEEP! Don't DEFEND! Don't EXPLAIN! Don't ENGAGE! Don't PERSONALIZE! GO DEEP! GO DEEP! GO DEEP!
@dyoung2739
3 жыл бұрын
Keep your conversations as brief as possible with the narc. I told my narc that my convos were limited to 5 minutes with him because the convo usually took a turn at the 5 minute mark. At 5 minutes(usually 2 or 3 minutes😂) I’d totally stop talking and/or responding.
@CL-fs3kt
3 жыл бұрын
LOL!!! I’ll do that next time. I’ll bring a buzzer
@dyoung2739
3 жыл бұрын
@@CL-fs3kt 😂try it. Trust me, a convo with the narc goes left in less than 5 minutes.
@eloeden2056
3 жыл бұрын
This is very true. Now at dinner i only ask my parents if they want some more pasta or need the water and that's it. I keep all my energy and my authenticity for my little sister who's a sweet soul and needs someone to talk to - and we try talk as much as we can while they're not here. My parents would take everything (LITERALLY) i say to twist it and use it against me one way or another. Never engaging with them again
@browniesbyte
3 жыл бұрын
I hardly ever do any of the talking with my narc Mother. I gave up on that quite awhile ago.
@angelaspeer6386
3 жыл бұрын
Haha, that is so great. He must find that incredibly frustrating.
@GoldStation.117
3 жыл бұрын
Brilliant. Many notes from this video. You are like a Jedi. 🙏🏽
@sanjanabhatia5156
3 жыл бұрын
Breathe DEEP-ly! Thank you! 💞🌸😊
@seekerofknowledge8961
3 жыл бұрын
My nickname my whole life was Can Do until I married a covert, it changed after years to the fixer, was my epiphany today. Well I'm changing it back and leaving that narc out in the cold, where he belongs with such a cold unfeeling heart. I'm getting DEEP with that!
Does anyone see dr.Ramani in their dreams too? :) Love and peace from İstanbul
@hafsanaeem6939
3 жыл бұрын
Me!
@probablymell
3 жыл бұрын
girl! i remember seeing one of your comments before. about your ex husband love bombing you. keep being strong don't ever give him the chance to take the power out of your soul❤ love and peace from istanbul either❤
@AnnaGirardini
3 жыл бұрын
No, but now I wish to
@yaseminureorion
3 жыл бұрын
@@probablymell wow ❤️ great to meet again here below dr. Ramani's video :)) happy to read your comment + wish you all best during our lockdown :) and, he is still trying his best at lovebombing, my balcony is full of the flowers he sent to me... But I think he's losing his patience and strength nowadays. Narcissists don't like to see the truth and honesty. :) Thank you for your lovely comment this means a lot to me❤️❤️❤️
@joseenoel8093
3 жыл бұрын
I'm gonna work on that, maybe a dual flying carpet ride awaits!
@JETLIFEJASON
3 жыл бұрын
They love replying with their own stories and experiences. It’s like everything you shared went in one ear and out the other.
@joefnroby7304
3 жыл бұрын
I’m going to apply this to people in general- narcissistic traits or otherwise.
@cassandracarrizo6429
3 жыл бұрын
My philosophy as well. I realized if I need to explain, then they are attacking. Only a narc attacks.
@joefnroby7304
3 жыл бұрын
@@cassandracarrizo6429 truuuu
@sheila4035
3 жыл бұрын
Hi, Dr. Ramini I say speak up for yourself no matter if the person hears it or not. It's about you validating your own feelings and processing the issue verbally. Everything shouldn't be in a narcissist power. I don't care if you are alone it gives you pride to vouch for your needs despite the other person's reaction and there is no need to personalize anything after you say it. I choose peace before anything even if it's done alone. There are too many social groups out here to be bothered with toxic folks go find them. My mental health matters to me too much. Narcisstic people don't have anymore power than any one else on this planet. Grayrock is perfect, so you don't have to go to jail. Speaking up has given me more good than bad situations. They can't gaslight if you tell truth about the behavior. The lies that they tell ain't my business. Loll!
@jackychuplis9512
3 жыл бұрын
That's what she said lol on a more serious note, I'm going to use this technique next time my sister comes to visit. Thank you Doctor Ramani, as always!
@usernameluis305
3 жыл бұрын
You are funny
@m.pixley8413
3 жыл бұрын
You are so right about explaining. When I do that I feel like I get stuck in an explicit mindset that is hard to shake.
@usernameluis305
3 жыл бұрын
6:42 i wish i would had developed the close relationships. Because of the closedness of the narcs, i thought nobody wanted to hear from me, and that my voice was useless. My voice was useless to those who didnt want to listen
@phalinimcleod8819
3 жыл бұрын
Dear Gamer Guy, your voice is important. As you said, your voice was only useless to those who didn't want to listen. Thanks for sharing your experience. Please surround yourself with people who want to listen to you, who care about what you have to say and who believe your truth. My voice has been 'useless' for forty years, and consequently, I literally lost my voice. Now Dr Ramani is helping me get my voice back.
@usernameluis305
3 жыл бұрын
@@phalinimcleod8819 tons of love Phalini! Thank you for your kind words
@phalinimcleod8819
3 жыл бұрын
@@usernameluis305 two thumbs up to you!!!
@kirpdeb
2 жыл бұрын
I have learned not to share anything personal because it exposes me to more judgement and unfair criticism of myself and others. I have learned through my DBT therapy to stick to just the facts, no emotional words and no details. I have learned that it is ok to be rude to people who are rude to me. I don’t need to be anybody’s pissing post and although I made the decision to be here, I can change my mind at any time. My Narcissist father told me in negotiation, he who cares the least WINS. I feel that my caring has been used against me by my family my whole life. I have learned to not “care so much”.
@JohnLW100
3 жыл бұрын
D.E.E.P. Seeing it, hearing it, practicing it, over and over (40 times and above, I think is the number of repetitions needed to make deep changes) will be such a useful tool to remind me over and over again to not play games with a narcissist. This reminds me of the book entitled “Games People Play”. Thanks as always 🙏🏼
@Dixieland-kj4yu
3 жыл бұрын
Just now looked that book up. Thanks
@KatieM786
3 жыл бұрын
That is a brilliant book, I own it and it's great! Totally recommend!
Пікірлер: 1,4 М.