What people don't tell you about the breakup process is that it is not only normal but expected that at some stage, the mind will focus on all the great things about the relationship and why the breakup didn’t need to happen. This is part of the initial phases of the grieving process, where denial and bargaining can be strong.
Its a completely understandable response-whether you’re the one breaking up or the one being broken up with-the fact is that your safety has been shaken as the familiarity of a person and partnership is now gone.
It is a death process, so the ego, which is largely conditioned around survival and fear, doesn’t want to be alone. This is why it is natural to have thoughts like:
“What if I never find anyone as good as them?”
“What if I was just being extra sensitive?”
“If only I changed X, Y, and Z about myself, then it could work. They might want me back.”
“Maybe it was all my fault.”
“What if I made the biggest mistake by ending this?”
The key is to catch these thoughts when they come up and bring awareness to the fact that you are in the bargaining stage. From here, you can consciously hold space for these parts to release from the body by allowing yourself to feel them all-cry, shake, feel angry/frustrated, give these feelings expression. Once you've released the denial and fear charge from your body, there will be spaciousness to turn towards the truth of your being.
To support this process, it is key to have a list of reasons why the relationship didn't work for you (again, whether you were the one leaving or left) and ask yourself the question: if none of these things ever changed, would I still want to be in a relationship with this person? There is your answer.
Remember to use this list anytime the mind starts going into these types of thoughts, bringing up all the happy memories and suppressing the ones that made the relationship not a match for you. It will help you to not stay stuck for weeks, months, or years in the grieving process, and rather to move through all the stages to finally come to acceptance.
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