Why is it that sometimes strangers seem to know us better than our close family? Why do we feel more comfortable divulging secrets to people we don't know? This week I'm trying to unpick our relationship with strangers and the valuable skill in trying to understand them.
Stranger Danger
Historically we have always viewed strangers with suspicion and a source of danger. Writing in 1790 Adam Smith said we can "only expect real sympathy from real friends, not from mere acquaintances." Sociologist Mark Granovetter wrote in the 1970's that the bedrock of our social networking was a reliance on “strong” ties (our inner circle) for support and weak ties (our acquaintances) for information. Strangers were always considered to be on the periphery of our social circles, perhaps shaped by warnings from an early age that strangers are dangerous.
For years, the idea of "stranger danger" has shaped how we approach unknown people. But sociologist Dietlind Stolle has argued that this constant fear of strangers can prevent meaningful connections and limit our personal growth, and limit opportunities.
Technology has really started to shake up this concept. In today’s world, we’ve grown increasingly comfortable relying on strangers in various situations - from sharing a ride with an Uber driver to dating people we meet online. Strangers, it seems, are not the threat we’ve been taught to fear, but rather a part of everyday life that can bring unexpected value.
Newer research by Mario Luis Small suggests that nearly half the people with whom we discuss important matters with today, are not those we would identify as our closest confidants by strangers and acquaintances. And research by Simine Vazire suggests that strangers might actually have better insight into certain aspects of our personality than we do ourselves. While we tend to be more aware of our internal traits, like anxiety, strangers can often more accurately judge our external behaviours, such as intelligence or creativity.
People who are outside of our everyday life offer fresh perspective, and unfiltered viewpoints. They can provide a level of objectivity which can help to cut through the complexity of our lives.
Active Listening
In business, too, we are often required to quickly assess and understand people we don’t know well, whether it’s a new client, colleague, or stakeholder. So, mastering the art of reading people, making assumptions, and adjusting our understanding as we gather more information is crucial.
It's my belief that people rarely hide themselves for long or too well. They normally give you signals on their intent...if only you're listening. If you pay attention, people will often reveal what they need or what’s important to them. They may repeat certain points, or downplay others, giving clues to their real priorities. Noticing these subtle signals can be the key to understanding strangers, clients, or colleagues more effectively.
Strangers As Mirrors
Strangers offer us more than just an opportunity for connection - they serve as mirrors reflecting our own perceptions and assumptions. If you’ve recently been through a difficult relationship, for instance, you may project those past hurts onto a new acquaintance, assuming red flags where there are none. This tells us as much about our own state of mind as it does about the other person.
Precisely because of our relationship with strangers is more transactional, the type of relationship we try and impose on someone new can tell us a lot about what is missing in our lives. Find you are venting a lot to someone new? Maybe you aren't getting the emotional support you need from your inner circle.
The Value Of A Stranger's Opinion
We often have more transactional relationships with strangers, which can make them surprisingly valuable as sounding boards. Because they lack the backstory and daily context that close friends or colleagues have, they can offer an outsider’s perspective with fresh, unbiased insights. Consultants, for example, are able to cut through the complexities of a situation with laser-like precision because they aren’t bogged down by the intricacies of office politics or personal histories. In many ways, strangers serve as mirrors, reflecting back how we present ourselves to the world and showing us a harsh truth that whilst uncomfortable, can help us grow.
Thought Of The Week: Strangers, are just friends we haven’t met yet, and the ability to connect with them - to read between the lines and truly listen - is an invaluable skill in both personal and professional life.
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