Originally published to Instagram on Feb 18, 2020.
In conjunction with this blog post:
renee.tougas.n...
I look back on my self-confidence of the early years of parenting with wistful longing. I was tired and I was cranky because of that fatigue, but I was confident in my choices. I was confident about being a stay-at-home mom, choosing to live off one income, home birthing and homeschooling. I was all that.
Oh man am I ever envious of my former self, and all her bluster.
What I'd give to feel that confidence now. As it happens I'm still tired, emotionally and mentally, not physically (like when they were little). And I'm a little cranky. But I don't have the confidence of my twenties to carry me through all that. I don't have a sense of "I've got this. I am the best person for this job. Look out world here I come raising my babies according to my own values and convictions."
Unfortunately the drain of confidence coincides with a time in my life where I have to "get out there" and "make things happen" in work and vocation. I need some chutzpah. I need some bluster. I need some "look out world here I come".
This isn't a mid-life crisis. I had one of those already. That was a time where the foundation really rocked.
This is not the foundation rocking, this is me being kicked out of the nest but not feeling confident enough in my abilities to fly. And simultaneously feeling constrained by the outcomes of past choices and other mid-life realities. The sky is not the limit and not all things are possible.
But it's absolutely time to go.
The discomfort of financial strain is pushing me out. But so is my honest and keen desire to do something new, something different (and something financially compensated) with my energy, skills, and experience. Maybe as I further identify that thing, move into it, gain and practice skill there I will gain confidence. God, I hope so.
How am I supposed get out there, into the world outside the comfort of my family connections and support, feeling so shaky and vulnerable? How on earth do people do this? Everyone else seems more confident and put together.
I'm thinking I have to own this transition, own this discomfort, own this experience, like a mother.
Негізгі бет Own it. Like a Mother
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