I think that we make a couple of mistakes in conversations which kill any chance of depth or longevity. One is that we infodump when we come across someone with a shared interest; our passion gets the better of us and a lot depends on the other person to steer the conversation. Another is that we are keen to please the other person in order for them not to walk away from us, resulting in an almost puppy-ish behaviour. There is, however, something we can do to combat both of these and draw someone in- active listening. A lot of emphasis is placed on the performance of expressing yourself, but i think that allowing/encouraging someone else to express themselves (in a good-faith, non-judgmental way) creates an environment of trust and safe-ness which is most conducive to creating deeper connections.
@alisonbrandt5901
Жыл бұрын
My sense is that for small talk you need a brain like an all terrain vehicle - can go in any direction, on any surface and change direction at a second's notice. Very impressive to someone like me, whose brain is more like an intricate railway network! Some tracks carry bullet trains, others goods or commuter trains, but please no tight corners or steep gradients, let alone going off-track!
@videocliplover
Жыл бұрын
This is exactly my biggest issue. Especially at work and in interviews.
@alanguest1979
Жыл бұрын
I can't help feeling no matter how long a conversation lasts, I find myself "evaluating" the conversation - how did I come over, did I say the right things, was my body language ok, etc...
@tamaramartinez8985
Жыл бұрын
I got my autism and ADHD diagnosis just a few weeks ago, right before my 50th birthday. Since then I've been intentionally setting up dates with other people I recognize as being neurodivergent and it's been delightful to at least once a week have a rich 2-3 hours conversation. That has been filling my need for deep connection enough that I have the energy for small talk the rest of the week. Sometimes neurotypicals will slow down long enough for a deep connection, too, if we make an appointment to do it.
@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy
Жыл бұрын
Revealing my autism to my family has been making me feel somewhat misunderstood, and I somehow feel guilt for masking for so many years. Now it feels like I am just weirding them out, as I can no longer keep my mask on due to the exhaustion and burnout that comes with it! I notice that as I approach 40, it's almost impossible to act energetic and enthusiastic while exhausted. I try to work as much as I can, so this wears me out; along with my fluctuating sleep schedule. At this age, I have finally realized that it's not worth it to pretend to be okay. It doesn't mean that I am going to snap at people for touching me or making a loud noise; I can pull off a blank face the first time they do something, but if it persists I have to kindly let them know. When people touch my back while brushing past me, their pointy, pokey fingers are just jolting! It just shoots through my entire body and causes a fight or flight anxiety response (like a type of pain that I can't explain to neurotypical people).
@valclowes5901
Жыл бұрын
❤️ yup. Masking just doesn't function well for me either, not any more.
@giftedgreen2152
Жыл бұрын
My dad and grandmother spent their lives masking around everyone, but my grandfather and I. No way I'm doing that.
@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy
Жыл бұрын
Yeah I mean, what do you gain by pretending to be fine when you are panicking inside? Sure, I might have gained friendships more easily while masking; but to keep up with those friendships just seems impossible (I only have one main friend, and I never got her by masking). So I basically attracted friends that weren't compatible with me, and I couldn't visit them nearly as much as they wanted. And that's usually how it goes. And in the winter time, I hardly ever have an energetic day. Gotta go to my financial advisor to figure out how to stay afloat. I work as much as I can, but winter depression sets in and it feels heavy. God bless you both!
@relentlessrhythm2774
Жыл бұрын
You and I are experiencing the same situation.
@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy
Жыл бұрын
@@relentlessrhythm2774 Oh really? I hope that you aren't experienced depression too.
@Rhea1381
Жыл бұрын
I love the entree analogy. I find that the type of connection "meal" I am most often seeking is a "lunch". I am so tired and underfed from lots of starters that I don't want to bother going out. I started to see making friends like sales where I was "prospecting" for new people. I also find that meeting people who want to go deep immediately is like a very heavy dinner, and isn't satisfying either. It's those people who connect quickly and over share but then disappear after when the real vulnerability comes. That makes me feel dropped and undernourished as well. Give me lunch level connection with a person every day, and I'll be happy. 😊
@SJ-xo9kh
Жыл бұрын
I like your point about how kids sometimes react in social situations when they're overwhelmed and shy. It's hard to look back on my life and realize the focus I've had on getting my social mask just right... yet never really getting it right. The casual everyday question How are you? is still stressful for me. I know the expected responses - Great! Good, how are you? Not bad, busy - but I always draw a blank, like I'm not sure how I feel, I wonder what the person wants to know exactly, and at the same time I know I'm overthinking and I just need to say Fine! and now my mask has slipped, and I feel so awkward.
@heedmydemands
Жыл бұрын
I think if they don't wanna know you're doing lousy they shouldn't have asked, that ought to teach them for being insincere lol
@joycebrewer4150
Жыл бұрын
@@heedmydemands I did once answer the polite general question " How are you?" With an honest answer. Not to be snide, but because I honestly wasn't doing well, and the questioner was an older friend I knew would be supportive. I was not disappointed. Slightly taken aback that I really answered, but once over her surprise, she did give a compassionate response, which, honestly was what I needed most that day.
@autismfromtheInside
Жыл бұрын
Thanks, SJ!
@Autisticheather
Жыл бұрын
I have a cool trick. I never intended for it to happen, but it was a lovely surprise! I like to take my realistic baby doll out with me shopping. I meet SO MANY lovely people who i connect with and we both walk away smiling. No small talk. Conversation goes right to my special interest. And brings something out, a bit of joy, for the people i meet! I can only do this on my brave days, but its wonderfully fun and satisfying.
@meganmahoney1749
Жыл бұрын
Thanks Paul. My big problem is social anxiety in groups. Masking gets harder as you get older, for me, anyway. I’m terrible at a party, shy and uncomfortable.
@shiningrain1
Жыл бұрын
Me too!
@JD96893
Жыл бұрын
That first part about social warming up makes so much sense to me. I am exactly that way, but even worse. It can take me a long time to really feel comfortable talking with people i havent known for awhile.
@mommerang
7 ай бұрын
Thank you for helping me realize why I am so socially awkward most of the time, but I enjoy deep, one-on-one conversations. I have not been diagnosed as Autistic yet… but I keep relating to your videos. Also, I don’t think I have ever “liked” so many comments on one video. I had to stop myself from reading all of them or I won’t get anything else done today!
@cheesebread3
Жыл бұрын
I can do small talk a little bit but doing it all day, like in retail or customer service, was just awful. It’s so draining. I feel most confident socially when I already know I have something in common with the person so I can just open with an interesting question. That’s why I like meeting people in my career. What’s even better is a lot of dog trainers are neurodivergent or have colleagues who are. It’s pretty normalized and accepted (at least in the circles I run in) so I don’t feel the need to mask as much as I did in previous career paths.
@ApocApocrypha
Жыл бұрын
I rarely go to social events because by the time I have enough data to have a conversation the person moved on to small talk with someone else.
@KuLaydMahn
Жыл бұрын
I have basically the same issue. I don't mind small honestly, but I never feel like I have enough to really get to know someone or make a deeper connection but I never feel like I have enough time to get into a deeper conversation and when I do get into one I can feel the time slipping away in mind as I gradually get more anxious about it.
@Leash23
Жыл бұрын
I told my husband I found these videos and it’s me to a tee. He laughed at me. That hurt. I am hoping finding these and this channel will change things in my life and help me
@janica.4688
Жыл бұрын
your videos are very helpful. I have to say, after trying so much for decades to build friendships or at least keep them, that I don’t understand group dynamics at all. I just don’t understand how this functions and I’ve been thinking so often in m life „why on earth it doesn’t function with me“. But now I know. Since about one year I started to accept myself exactly as I am and don’t give to much about what people think about me
@bilbea
Жыл бұрын
Some great times I've had include: Training programs of a whole day or a week. a week camping (large state camp e.g. QLD, but deeper conversations with your small group). Brunch where you have to sit and mostly talk with your neighbours. Classes, lectures where you talk over the whole semester (one week at a time).
@dannyarcher6370
Жыл бұрын
I'm NT but I can tell you that small talk is like pulling teeth for me. It makes dating incredibly difficult as I am simply not interested in people's mundane minds.
@Gotdurt
Жыл бұрын
I've always had a problem with small talk too, but it's not so much about time, but understanding that the person who starts the "small talk" has no intention of having a real conversation, they are just avoiding silence or exercising a formality... but I tend to take everything literally and every question seriously, so if someone asks me how I'm doing, they are going to get an earful of how I'm really doing, when all I needed to say was, "just fine, thanks". Also, I just don't understand why we need "small talk", I'd much rather enjoy silence (I don't find silences "awkward"), than talk about nothing. If there is nothing to talk about, then just don't talk, and wait until we have a good subject for an in-depth conversation...
@hispoiema
Жыл бұрын
Exactly how I feel.
@murielbilly4296
Жыл бұрын
I'm glad to hear you this time more than others because that's just what I am struggling with for a while. I have big troubles with rethorical questions. I answer how I felt since the last time we saw, knowing that I have to say ok and you? I'm beginning to make a lot of progress but I 'm always frustrated because my time is not other people 's, we are often interrupted then people begin to speak about something else, when I haven't had time to go deeper into conversation. I think if I have to summarize now my life in one word, it would be frustration. 🤷
@przeba
Жыл бұрын
Though I'm not confirmed to be on spectrum I can relate deeply to what you said! I was unconsously doing two "cheats": imagine that I'm talking to somebody Id like to relate longer and thus I don't know how long the conversation and how important might be. And second - it's easier to talk to people gathered around idea/interest/hobby I also share - I felt safer and less anxious. I even knew what to say 😂
@tineputzeys
Жыл бұрын
I've never looked at it in terms of "time limit", but yes, it does make sense now that you've explained it. One interesting thing I've been noticing about small talk: I hate the scripts in languages I'm very familiar with & that I'm capable of having full-on conversations in. I recently started studying a completely new language and I'm having way less trouble sticking to scripts in that new language. I guess it's because I know I wouldn't be able to go deeper, even if I wanted to? I'm going to keep tracking my feelings around this as my knowledge of the language evolves, see if my aversion to small talk scripts returns.
@Beastcustomhotwheels
Жыл бұрын
Good stuff.. a prime example for those that have experienced this in this setting. I dred small talk at churches! Every church I been to does this whole "introduce yourself" to someone near by for 5 min. After worship songs. To be honest I had to stop attending church for this reason and a few others. Though I believe in God my high intune discernment in social situations is hyper focused. I can read If your genuine, a fake, a liar etc. And churches are full of fakes. Best of luck with small talk folks ..not my cup of tea!
@d.shermandesantos3570
Жыл бұрын
Yes, that's been my experience too. It wasn't so bad when I was younger, I was a bodybuilder and a full time human rights activist, and I lived in Los Angeles, CA, USA, so there were plenty of people who actually wanted to get into in depth conversations with me, but now I live on a back road in northern NH, USA in a small, very secluded town. I'm old, and had a massive betrayal from my partner of 30 years, so I now live alone and around here small talk is the main way of socializing. The in depth conversations amount to who is having an affair with whom, what the latest advances in snowmobiles are, and how horrible liberals are - all topics that are limited, and that I don't have anything to contribute to anyway.
@jimvicpas
Жыл бұрын
Even a group of 3 people socializing together is too much for me. My interests are too limited and my communication response time is ridiculously long. But this is how social networks are typically formed. More time might be the answer but maybe there are other ways that people on the spectrum can build social networks using methods that work for us.
@dadler9705
Жыл бұрын
I experience severe anxiety related to this, plus several meltdowns every month and Im on meds for depression, sleep and anxiety. Have no friends. Just spend the day doing things that amuse me but for the rest of people are weird. I feel horrible.
@naqpenda2130
Жыл бұрын
It drives me crazy when things are empty. Doesnt contain true meaning or connection. I learned kinda enjoy time to time some random conversations but usually im disspointed how empty most of the conversations. Small talk can be okay if we can make it meaningful and we actually “say something “. But still my main feeling about ppl/conversation is dissapointment cause i experince this emptiness :/
@strawbearrySmoothie
Жыл бұрын
Weird timing... I went to happy hour with some coworkers tonight. It was nice when it was just three of us. Then two more came, still nice but I was less talkative. Then 6 more come in later and I just struggled to really engage. I did swap seats at one point which helped, but still struggling to engage with groups, small talk or not.
@flyleafrpgwo4008
Жыл бұрын
I don't know how to small talk beyond how are you and remarking about the weather. I am 65 and still don't know how to steer a conversation onto something beyond that. In the rare instances when the other person manages to get a connection started, I tend to lose any filter and dominate the conversation. I don't mean to but they are ready to bolt before I realize I have done it. I drive them away. I now avoid people because it is fruitless to try to connect with anyone.
@ros8986
Жыл бұрын
Paul - can you please define what you mean by "deep"
@7HPDH
Жыл бұрын
Loved the translation for American viewers 🤣
@wipalo.the.artist
Жыл бұрын
What should you do if you have Autism and really aren't coping well and you can't seem to figure out how to get help?
@girlsaurusrex7257
Жыл бұрын
This seems like a silly question to me but it's an honest one do all people with autism Have an issue with loud sound or noise or are there some that do not have an issue with that?
@FoxHowton
Жыл бұрын
Small talk has it's place, and if it leads to a great discussion of mutual interest to both parties [even with a non-autistic person] it can be great source of "recharge" for me. However, if one is "forced" into a situation where one is expected to do small talk in a "secret language level and mannerism" what you are not part of (I hate formalism and formal language in academia) e.g., if you're the only autistic person in a research group full of neurotypicals ... then it is a long and protracted psychological torture, as no one else can understand how much PAIN the interactions and expectations are. NT just do not get it that verbalising [and being forced to take phonecalls that are unexpected] is very very draining physically and psychologically. Any refusal to participate is taken as "attitude problem" or "non-participation" or worse. Hm. Academia in the wrong place with the wrong people can be ... hell?
@martinajohnson
Жыл бұрын
I'm not Autistic (that I know of), but this is an area where I overlap with you very closely, Paul. I also like to have in-depth conversations and form deep connections with people and feel very frustrated by the superficiality of small talk. I struggle to see the point in talking to people at parties and other events if there isn't a chance at a deeper connection. It truly boggles my mind that other people enjoy and maybe even prefer this more superficial form of social interaction.
@Do-U-Know-me00
Жыл бұрын
They enjoy it because it is a way to validate THEMSELVES. To me, these people are shallow and don't have much to offer anyone. Hence, this suits them fine as they know no one will ask them anything that requires deep thinking and consideration.
@filososabke
Жыл бұрын
I have noticed that at networking events or receptions, I tend to stick to a standing table with someone I started to talk to at the beginning. Then I just try to engage in a longer conversation with that person. It tends to work well even if two or three people join. But I tend to get lost as the insignificance rises with the number of persons around the table. So I often notice myself zoning out when the group gets to 6 persons or more. At which point I'm deciding on my departing time.
@foodpuppie
Жыл бұрын
I'm a big believer that time pressure sucks the joy out of everything in life. But I hadn't made the connection to social anxiety, so thank you for that. I have found that telling myself to sllloooowwww doooowwwwnnnn reduces social anxiety, especially at parties or in groups. I slow down my breathing, my movements, I give myself extra time, etc., and it seems to help.
@kayjay-kreations
Жыл бұрын
As a young woman I did alot of personal development workshops and there was alot of *get straight in to topic and go deep* this suited me very much and I continued that way in my life.....I had no idea I was autistic , I just thought some people were not very evolved lol.
@originalvonster
Жыл бұрын
Haha I thought that other people weren’t very evolved too. 😂 I didn’t know that it was just that I thought differently. I was aware that I didn’t have many friends like my one friend at school. It turns out that her son is autistic and she suspects she is as well. I’m not diagnosed as autistic yet, but I’m certainly neurodivergent of some sort.
@sarahkreuzer8259
Жыл бұрын
Time pressure as well as my internal monitor that tells me I’m always talking too much are a difficult combination to work through when talking to new people. Plus I always fall into patterns of just talking about what I know and forget how to engage in a back and forth style of conversation where each person is asking the other questions. Then sometimes when I remember that I go overboard and begin asking way too many questions cause I’m trying to force myself to be good socially lol.
@RyanJones567
Жыл бұрын
I have the same exact problem. Everyone that I meet with whom I end up making a deep emotional connection ends up moving away. It is extremely demoralizing to constantly have to go out to try to meet new people with whom there is a very small chance that you will be able to develop a deep connection, knowing that even if you do they will in a short time disappear from your life again. Eventually you run out of motivation to engage in social interactions.
@giftedgreen2152
Жыл бұрын
Autistic people lack emotion. They connect on interest.
@RyanJones567
Жыл бұрын
It says here that there are 2 replies, but I can't see them for some reason.
@katfarrow2905
Жыл бұрын
Yep. Most of mine eventually move, die, or move and then die... my least favorite outcome. I can maintain long distance friendships for a while, but it becomes increasingly difficult. I think it's because it's harder to read them. I've recently made two new friends (they kinda came as a set) and it's been so hard trying to pace myself instead of jumping in full throttle because it's been so long to have friends who accept me.... even though I know I'm being awkward and still not quite myself with them. It's been a lovely feeling.
@linden5165
Жыл бұрын
My ideal for socialising would be either one-on-one or to just be in proximity to people for a while and very quietly get a sense of them and then dive into real talk. Being with other people in interest groups, learning, or meetings about a particular topic work well as it's straight to real talk. Being bicultural I have two different perspectives. I find the western way quite awkward, slow and often inauthentic. In the other side we tend to come together as a group, go through some protocol greetings where we establish why we're together, that we have good intentions and can speak honestly. People introduce who they are and where they are from and connections are built on that. Then within that established space, conversation can be robust, open and accepted and we can really get into the real talk. It works so much better. Plus I think it gives some real insight that social norms aren't just some neutral and inevitable thing.
@delphinewood7519
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing. I always relate to your personal experiences.
@shiningrain1
Жыл бұрын
I just found you on KZitem and you've eloquently expressed exactly how I respond to others in social situations. I'm 64 and recently discovered I have ASD. It is such a shock after spending all my adult life trying to fathom what the hell happened to me 'as a child'. I'm currently processing my discovery and it's not easy to come to terms with. Just want to say thank you so much for your videos - obviously I'll be watching all of them! The 'Hi, how are you?/what have you been up to recently?'' question, no matter who asks it, elicits an initial response in my mind that wants to reply 'Do you mean right now, today, this week, this year, and in relation to what aspect of my life exactly, and 'Are you really interested and how much time have you got? ?' I invariably say 'Ok thanks' and then bat the question back. Before long the conversation ends because I'm utterly hopeless in this situation and just cannot do small talk. I'm very empathetic to people but the small talk thing sends me into a lucid comatose state - I just find it so tedious because I know the conversation is going nowhere. I'm laughing at myself now, so at least I can see the humour in this. Anyway, thanks so much. My name's Paul too and I live in Wales UK. Keep up the good work. I'm sure your videos etc must be encouraging and helpful for many. I'd better stop now or I'll be staying up all night typing out my life story! Thank god there's a lot of humour in the world of ASD anyway.
@meganmahoney1749
Жыл бұрын
I’m 59 and was diagnosed not too long ago. There are a lot of good resources on this channel.
@NothingByHalves
Жыл бұрын
😂 Oh Paul, I was expressing the same thought patterns to the "hello, how are you?" question only last week. There are so many different responses to that question in my head - like, which part of my life do they mean?!?! And if they don't really want to know, then why do they ask, and what's the point? I am 52, in London, and realised I was an Aspie last year. I used to work in an office and found a great way to respond to this question was "fabulous, thanks! How about you?" and this was during a time when I was in deep despair and had nothing good to say about my life. People were generally confused as it's not a response they expect, and they get curious to know what the hell I am on. I found that saying "well, I'm alive, I'm breathing, and it's not raining today, and spring is just around the corner - what's not fabulous about that?" (or something to the same effect). It would put them in a good mood and lift my spirits too, and it could also be said whilst walking away 😂😂😂 Thanks for reminding me of this - there are sooo many things I don't want to discuss right now and tomorrow is a big family event, the first for a few years. I will probably sleep through Sunday but at least I won't be riddled with shame for trying to explain everything going on in my life. (and notice the life story I'm typing back in response - it's not in our nature to keep it short! 😁🤗
@lisalamphier1410
Жыл бұрын
Recently, someone asked a friend something about me. It was meant to be a small offhand comment. But when it was related to me, I wrote a long email to that person answering their question in detail. They responded with "okay". I figured that there were two possible outcomes. We would either engage directly on a deeper level or she would know to never make an offhand comment about me to a third person again. If she really wanted to know, why not ask me directly? And if she didn't, why mention it at all? I think that most people don't give much attention to this kind of interaction, but it really bugs me. Someone else asked me to say hi for them, to another person whom they hadn't spoken to in years. I did relay the message but I added, "I don't know why she wanted me to relay the message, why she can't just message you directly on Facebook". Yeah, I know I'm not doing it right. I don't care.
@shiningrain1
Жыл бұрын
Hi Lisa. Yes the 'Okay' response seems to be saying that person doesn't want to continue the dialogue with you and was just curious which is why the question was directed at your friend - I guess your friend isn't an Aspergers. And yes sometimes I agree it's perfectly ok to think 'I don' t care'. After all, we put loads of energy into trying to create relationships that matter and we all, perhaps, have a long history of being sidelined that can hurt. I wish you the best!
@shiningrain1
Жыл бұрын
Hi NBH... Yes, the comment about chucking a positive comment in response to 'How are you?' whilst walking away is very familiar to me 😂. It seems tomorrow is quite a milestone in your life if I understood you correctly that you intend to share your life in the context of discovering you're an aspie with your family for the first time. Honestly I wish you the best for tomorrow. Let me know how it goes on your return - only if you feel like it. Feel free to share how you feel about tomorrow if you want to as well - no obligation if it feels too much to convey though! I lived in N London for 20 years before moving to Wales in 2004 too.
@christina6120
Жыл бұрын
At my last job (for 1 year) in retail, I never would talk to my co-workers because I can't do my job while also chit-chatting with co-workers. To me, this is time-limited even if I've been around my co-workers a lot.
@valclowes5901
Жыл бұрын
Lockdown effects on me and everyone I know + nutty politics at home and around the world have made it much easier for me to be bluntly honest without hesitation and without negative consequences. Mostly I reply to "how are you" with one of these 3, and no disasters yet! .. Considering the world in the last few years? [shrug] Recovering. You? Or .. Actually, having a good/great day! Peopling isn't my best subject yet here I am doing it! [shrug]. You? Or .. [furrowing my brow] Not sure yet. Probably ask me in half an hour. How are you?
@yanaAspieVlog
Жыл бұрын
Gosh, this sounds a lot like my experiences and thought processes! I think I just have to accept that small talk (having small servings of entrees/starters) is just the way to make things happen. It's actually a pathway to finding out you have a common interest with someone. ✌🏻
@WSNonduality
Жыл бұрын
Love you Paul...you describe how it is for us so well!
@WaysideArtist
Жыл бұрын
My default is to not speak to anyone at all. I prefer mutism. I'm 62 year old female (?) and as a youngster needed to "go out among the humans" as my family expected/demanded. I learned to mask so many years ago I've almost embraced my chameleon ways as the authentic me. As a pre-teen, in order to offset tremendous anxiety, I learned the value of small talk. I still use it to avoid meaningful conversation if at all possible. That said, I enjoy people being around and all their energy, but I rather not talk to them. I prefer appetizers to the main course when I eat too!
@ladytakarazuka
Жыл бұрын
Exact same issue so thank you very much for broaching that topic in your video :-) That is the reason why I start most of my conversations through writing online, and, outside of work, only meet people once the written discussion went deep enough. Whenever I can, I go for one on one conversation. Group meetings are most of the time not suited to really get to know someone else. To avoid some of the small talk difficulties, it can be a good idea to reach out to people who share one of your main interests: music, movies, sports, philosophy, etc. Fandoms and forums can be a great place for that aspect.
@buhboon
Жыл бұрын
Paul's story of the group trip reminds me of an experience of mine. When I was 12 or so I did a play with a youth theatre group. The group was very inclusive and found a part for everyone, no matter how small. In this particular show, they also called everyone to every rehearsal, and those who weren't needed (which was most of us, most of the time) played games in another room. By the end we were all extremely close, and the group of friends that came from that show is the foundation of my found family now, almost 20 years later. Later productions, which did it the traditional way of calling only who was needed on a given day, never produced that same, almost magical, level of cast-wide bond. I often think how different my teenage years would have been as an undiagnosed person had I not met that group, and in that way. There was no further engineering, just the agenda-less time we got to spend together, and it made all the difference.
@Do-U-Know-me00
Жыл бұрын
Those people were using you guys who weren't EVER going to be part of the "theatre group" your purpose was so they could wear their sjw halo of being "INCLUSIVE". See what we did? We invited "THOSE" guys. Halos twinkling in the glow of admiration from the adoring friends and families.
@tamaramartinez8985
Жыл бұрын
This is why I loved being involved in theater. The actors and crew truly become family. Hanging out backstage or goofing around during breaks in rehearsals was relationship glue. It was a beautiful thing. Many of my happiest childhood memories, the times when I actually felt like I fit in socially, are centered on theatrical productions.
@tamaramartinez8985
Жыл бұрын
@@Do-U-Know-me00How do you know this? Anyway, it doesn't matter what the intent was; it was a marvelous experience for the OP and those with whom they still have a close relationship. They don't feel like victims, therefore they were not victimized. I don't understand why someone would want to take on negative feelings for someone else, especially when the other person is zero percent bothered. 🤷♀️
@babybirdhome
Жыл бұрын
@@Do-U-Know-me00Don’t be a wound collector. That’s never a healthy thing. It’ll make you a miserable person living a miserable life and make everyone around you miserable too.
@buhboon
Жыл бұрын
@@Do-U-Know-me00 Certainly not the case with these folks, but dang that would be a bummer. Hope that hasn't been your experience - genuine inclusive spaces may fly under the radar but they exist, I promise!
@djlopez33
Жыл бұрын
yes! you get it. this is also why i hate small talk. it’s so empty, quick and meaningless. or, it’s just something people do so there’s not awkward silence in an elevator, taxi, company meeting setting. it irritates me lol. like you don’t really care. i’d rather not do small talk at all!
@unicorntomboy9736
Жыл бұрын
Small talk is a necessary evil. You have to do it before getting into deeper conversions It would feel better unnatural and weird to go into intimately personal matters with a stranger you just met
@cheekunlol
Жыл бұрын
I experience this very similarly to how you described. In addition, I find larger group interactions extremely stressful because there aren’t “turns to speak”, it is usually more like people elbowing each other to get the last bit of food, competing with each other to say the wittiest/most comedic thing as quickly as possible. Many times I feel alienated because such people can enter a conversational rhythm without any gaps, and I’m left feeling rushed to say anything at all that allows me to connect, and finding there’s no space for a word. Several changes in conversation topic later I’m no longer even sure what I’m supposed to be thinking about. It can become so bad that I enter a silence, still laughing sometimes because I can still hear the queue of “I’m supposed to laugh at joke” and people leave wondering if I’ve had a bad day, or imbibed too much, and end up feeling extremely guilty and frustrated if I explain the reality. The state that I’m in in long spans of group interactions is fairly dysregulated. And I learned recently that being rushed can be a trigger for this… but didn’t consider that social situations are constantly rushing me.
@ryantaintor9713
Жыл бұрын
I totally agree with this video and I appreciate this content. I personally have experienced much of the same scenarios described in what you are referring to. Social anxiety can be common and I completely agree how we are all in such a time pressured culture/society and it's difficult for individuals with autism to get those valuable opportunities to socially connect.
@ryantaintor9713
Жыл бұрын
It's also a great point that was made of imagining if we did have more opportunities to form a social connection. It's great to stay thinking positive on this topic as much as possible if we can.
@ryantaintor9713
Жыл бұрын
6:27
@kuronagiyurei
Жыл бұрын
My personal experinece socializing are almost equally terrible. But tbh, in the country where i am from (a place i dont want to talk about in South America) people disrespect everything and has a terrible cultural way to speak one-to-another, so I feel completely confused and awkward when there are national socialization where i am from. I dont speak not because i don't want to but because i don't feel in a comfy social ambiance to feel encouraged to. Actually most of the time I chat with people in English, but even though language barrier is not an issue, its still really tough to interact 😔
@lilijagaming
Жыл бұрын
I really yearn for those deep conversations. When I catch someone willing to do it I can forget to eat or to go sleep. But mostly I get this feeling that I am overbearing for people when I drag them into such a conversation as this is the feedback I have been given for most of my life.
@systerkeno
Жыл бұрын
This is exactly how I feel. I need to spend time 1 on 1 for them to get to know me. If I'm in larger groups or even if it's 3 people, I'll just become quiet and can't make a connection. I really want to get to know people on a deep level but that requires getting through soo much small talk, which usually leads to connection disappearing completely.
@Worrelpa
Жыл бұрын
I can so relate to this. During Covid and just before a lot of my local contacts moved away or jobs so my meaningful social network of people I really connected with are nearly all missing from my life. Having to start again is hard as Paul says there is no time to make those meaningful connections in most situations these days.
@shadowNlightNash
Жыл бұрын
U explain things sometimes in ways it's almost like hearing my own private thoughts out loud, really alike. Thank u 4 this it provides me reassurance and feel less alone in things like this and more in conjunction with Autistic lived experience. Thank u 💕🙏.
@shiningrain1
Жыл бұрын
Me too!
@liketoponder
Жыл бұрын
I’m still coping with my adult son with Autism. He is socially isolating himself and does not initiate conversation with us especially since he has had a place of his own. When I call he doesn’t want to talk and gives one word sentences like “ok” or “nothing”. He did say once that prefers to talk with people his own age and not seniors as he considers me. I love my son but it is disappointing when I can’t have a conversation or visit him. He gets angry easily if I push him so I don’t. So just wondering if he will continue this behaviour or may have a change of heart one day. Maybe when he’s older? He’s 25.He was talkative when he was young but saw that change in junior high and high school. He did have bad experiences with people growing up and no friends.
@bethanythatsme
Жыл бұрын
Many autistic people, myself included, feel very uncomfortable having phone conversations. I think what you may benefit from is watching/interacting with autistic creators, there are many videos covering topics you mentioned in your question. I don't think anyone would feel comfortable predicting what your son's & your experience will look like. Everyone has a very unique set of circumstances and his willingness/ability to be open with you is far too personal to speculate on.
@liketoponder
Жыл бұрын
@@bethanythatsme Thank you for your response. Makes sense. 🙏
@judylandry302
Жыл бұрын
If you want to connect, you have to start with what's in his head. We tend to commit all our energy into one subject at a time. Distractions from that obsession, upset our balance and we withdraw. He needs to be fully heard out and not cut off. "Tell me about your day." " "Would you share with me..." eventually he will know whether you are safe and non judgemental enough to open up to, one topic at a time. Patience and a lack of personal ego is key. Your love for him will get you there.
@przeba
Жыл бұрын
It's reasonable at his age he'd prefer no to talk to parents but to friends. But some talking from time to time is necessary. You've written he got some trouble at school. Have you been supportive to him at that time? Does he trust you? Does he feel you understand him and respect his autistic challenges? He don't want to talk to much because he doesn't find any reason to so so (persuasive reason for his mind and expected outcome). I'd also suggest to ask him specific questions, relate to his interests and always share a word of respect, proud, support and love. Good luck!
@giftedgreen2152
Жыл бұрын
Two people need IQs within 20 points of each other to have a meaningful conversation.
@DylanT6791
Жыл бұрын
I completely agree, Paul. What you said makes perfect sense to me. I see small talk in general as a pointless waste of time. But to be fair, other than the routine courteous verbal exchanges, I find holding conversations with people to be quite difficult too. Mostly due to my autism, communication is definitely a challenge for me in most settings, however, I am able to hold longer conversations with people about deeper topics once I properly get to know a person. But it can be a long process, however, until I become fully comfortable conversing with them in their presence.
@originalvonster
Жыл бұрын
I don’t think that I have thought of it as a time limit. It’s more that if someone says the dreaded “How are you?” with a certain tone of voice like they don’t really want to know (but it’s just the done thing in society). I think I no longer have control of my reply. It’s definitely a habitual “I’m OK, what about you?”. I feel like I come across as not wanting to know because my habitual reply has probably been copied from someone else I heard at some point in time. Perhaps the melody and/or tone of my voice or lack thereof comes across as disinterested. In actual fact I want to know about people’s hobbies or what they are currently learning about in case we have anything in common. I also like deep kinda gossip about their actual feelings about anything and life. Who are their friends and why? Who don’t they like and why? That kid of stuff, gossip and secrets. I kinda gravitate to those types of things being interesting to me, I guess because it helps me to understand how people (other than me) think.
@shiningrain1
Жыл бұрын
You got me exactly with all that lol.
@ros8986
Жыл бұрын
Paul I think there are some simple solutions to some things. If a third person approaches, you can continue the conversation AND include the third person by saying to the third person "George and I were discussing astrophysics" or "I was explaining my excitement over my new mountain bike" or "George is explaining the new government regulation on private drones", and so the conversation continues with the new person included. One way to get to a more substantive conversation on meeting someone is to say, in response to hi, how are you - "I'm doing well, I am busy studying the flight paths of various birds and how they interact with each other" (or some other item that interests you but is not a personal psychological issue). Having a few of these prepared may be good, they can be genuine without the need to think them up on the spot.
@gerghodges5317
Жыл бұрын
Good one Paul. It is still good to know that i am not the only one like this. Small talk. bah humbug. Its amusing to me that with depression on the rise the "experts" are still telling people to ask others "how are you feeling/doing", or variations. They do it about 100 times a day., And does having a 30second chat with someone cure depression? It is a starnge New World that has such people init (with apologies to Mr Huxley). But, the Normies do not want serious intercourse. I relate my dog walking experience, thusly. Stop and talk for a few seconds, they say I must go now i have an appointment, i walk on, turn around and they are now talking to another dog walker, i walk on further and turn around at end of beach, they are still talking, i walk and walk approaching them still talking, i get close enuff and they continue talking, carefully avoiding me. I walk past them holding back the urge to say "you'll miss your appointment". I walk to carpark and turn around for last time. do you think they are still talking???? When you point your finger in blame there are 3 more fingers pointing back at you. Do we change the 97% or the 3%. I move to another beach town and set out to see how long it takes me to befriend and unfriend. Surprise, surprise most of them are talking about politics and other stuff of substance (SoS). Now all i have to do is remember their names?!😉😉😁😁😜😜😊😊😃😃✔✔ how is that for a show of emotions
@elenamaximova1497
Жыл бұрын
I can totally relate to this. Yes, pressed for time in a short conversation and therefore unable to express myself, that's how I often feel. (Generally, I would also like people speaking to me using 1.5x speed and allowing me to give answers in normal (1.0) mode and with a pause of 15-20 seconds. Which unfortunately is quite impossible most of the times. :) )
@user-eg8ht4im6x
Жыл бұрын
This sums up my experience very well, I had never been able to put it into words or define what is was that made it so difficult to connect, it is a time issue thing as you have just decried, Small talk seems to go nowhere. Because there is no time to develop the conversation. Thank you for this.
@Arkylie
Жыл бұрын
Car conversations ftw! You have a feel for how long it's gonna be, it's just a couple people in a car with no big interruptions aside from a few traffic issues, there's nothing to watch or listen to alongside the conversation (as opposed to watching a movie together or playing a game together etc.), you've just got the time to converse on whatever comes to mind. Bonus for the autistic: No eye contact!
@wunder_ich3474
Жыл бұрын
When it comes up to meet-ups with a group of people (sometimes even when it is a small group of 3-5 people) I experience that I am not really able to communicate about topics that I would like to talk about in a one-on-one situation with a person that knows me (and my way of talking and my immense „thinking pauses“ while talking) already, because when talking in a group of people without any given structure, I feel like I don‘t have the time to formulate the thing, I want to express with my words. I feel like I don‘t have the time I need to express myself as precisely as I need to. I cannot go with unprecise formulations and even less with unprecise knowledge, which I also need to formulate and for doing so I also need a lot of time.
@dpmuskoka
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for these videos, you are very precise, and thorough, which I can relate to! I appreciate this information, which I have just started to research, many thanks!
@sincinatykid
Жыл бұрын
Sounds Spot on to me…leveraging this superficial simple looking social subtleties happens on the level of a well trained choreografy…it’s art (in a way) and therefore it needs a lot of training for a person to become good at it. Especially in new surroundings this performance might be sacrificed for the sake of executive functioning in order to be able to organize more important tasks at that specific time Frame, which might lead to the impression of being awkward (etc.).
@chumon1992
Жыл бұрын
I am so so ungodly shy unless I know you personally, but in order to.get to know you personally, I have to break from being ungodly shy. Yes. I feel that quite a bit. I despise small talk because I can never feel comfortable enough to truly be myself as you said. Perfectly explained
@VeronikaVerhulst
Жыл бұрын
Yes, so am i. I dont like small talk to many people, except to people who i have knew them so long time, or those people have good relationship with my family. In social interaction, i dont have target to get many friends because i have enough happy and thankful with my simple and easy life with my cats and my sis. For me those are enough good relationship and enough happy to enjoy my time more alone and spending my time with online activism related with some topics that i knew well since 2008. As long as i can enjoy my cheap vegan foods, my funny cats and my sis, some good articles, and simple easy life in a greeny town, everything is fine for me.
@marianneeckertjensen4723
Жыл бұрын
I really prefer the deeper conversations. Maybe because I am kind of a nerd who does not see much significance of small talk. Some people also seem to hide behind small talk.. 🤔
@Hadassah-KaquoliMReno
Жыл бұрын
When I was younger I preferd being with older than me people, I didn’t like young people my age!
@samgeller1967
Жыл бұрын
I hate having to start the same conversation over and over again with different people saying the same thing, I have no patience for small talk I just don’t want to listen, I’m in a care home and different carers ask me The same thing., I am 55 and I try not to be too honest but it’s hard work. my lack of empathy as to how they are feeling doesn’t help.
@user-ij9uk8tn8i
Жыл бұрын
I was quite old when I finally realised "how are you" usually means "hello!", and not actually "How are you?"
@CLGlitter76
Жыл бұрын
I'm definitely more myself and feel more comfortable with very small group at the most. One or two ppl of that. I can't be bothered with small talk, it causing me anxiety and feel uncomfortable
@thegnarlyvagabond
Жыл бұрын
Small talk is meant to be the starter. Feeling eachother out to see if a deeper connection can be formed. Being able to have deep conversations is rare for me as well, lucky for me I enjoy a bit of small talk and I'm afraid of intimacy.
@sarinaglover3712
Жыл бұрын
I understand it's small talk is an issue but also I think you don't understand the purpose of small talk so as a neurotypical individual we use small talk to get a feel of a person usually we're going to engage in small talk with someone who's a stranger basically we kind of get a feel for your personality what's your likes don't like are for example we'll pick up that you're very straight shooter and things of that nature if that makes sense
@katie1353
Жыл бұрын
If small talk were the starter with a guaranteed main meal after, then that would be fine. Unfortunately it feels like small talk is usually more like cheap snacks - no nutritional value and leaves you feeling unpleasant and unsatisfied.
@A13XLaircey
Жыл бұрын
I sometimes feel invisible, and this is exactly why...
@krugerfuchs
Жыл бұрын
I prefer not to connect with people at all
@MerrilyMerrilyMerrily
Жыл бұрын
Absolutely
@Hadassah-KaquoliMReno
Жыл бұрын
When my Mama gave me birthday party’s I’d hide under the table and cry.
@BLKDOLPHNDK
Жыл бұрын
I am a senior African-American male and I have wondered my entire life why I struggled with the catastrophic problems Thank you for this channel it explains so much and has made such a tremendous change in looking at my situation.Even though I’ve had a lifetime of looking for professional psychiatric treatment.
@tigrecito48
Жыл бұрын
i used to want a connection and love & friendship & affection but my social anxiety plus bullying and people mocking me or feelings of rejection when i want to connect and people feel im coming on too strong or when they just want the small talk and i dont see the point in small talk.. so i got to a stage where its easier for me just to never try to get to know anyone, and be on my own so i dont get hurt with rejection.. so i dont feel anxiety.. so i dont have all those awkward situations.. ive found since ive been diagnosed with autism that its easier, less tiring & less stressful or painful just to be "rude" and ignore everyone... when people do small talk.. i just ignore them or pretend i didnt hear etc..
@lykanbluepaws
Жыл бұрын
Yes.
@oreosaysb00
Жыл бұрын
I didn't realize I had this issue, you described it perfectly! I feel like the smal talk conversations leading to nowhere so I'm unable to connect
@au9parsec
Жыл бұрын
My social anxiety makes me unable to do jobs where I interact with customers or to train or supervise any co-workers, which is why I should be looking for a job that doesn't require much social interaction.
@ros8986
Жыл бұрын
I have a similar problem, I am lucky to have an accounting job.
@lindaelane
Жыл бұрын
I loved it. I am so tired of the stereotype that ND people want to be alone. I certainly don't. Like you, I don't find small talk fun. I liked the analogy about "appetizers" (US term). I'm kind of OK to hope that a main course comes, but often, I don't want a "snack"- though I sometimes do want a "snack. An "appetizer" without a main course just leaves me wanting. What a great explanation. Also, I dislike being board, and the initial questions (where are your from, what do you do, do you like the weather) may or may not be interesting - they often are not. The only thing I would say is that when I am in a good "main course" conversation, what I love is learning about the other person - I love that equally as much as revealing aspects of myself. I've met some amazing folks.
@narutogoldylocks
Жыл бұрын
Didn’t know that entree meant appetizer in the UK! Very good to know. And what is funny to me is that I have never thought that I dislike small talk, but if I reframe it to, “I dislike meeting new people because I feel like I can only speak to them on a surface level,” I think I don’t like small talk 😂 I’ve just never worded it that way. This is giving me new perspective. 🤔 At every party or group gathering, I always gravitate towards people I already know because I want to talk with them about real stuff. I hate having to meet new people, I feel like I never know what to say & it doesn’t feel worthwhile to me to just exchange pleasantries. I think also for me, whenever someone asks “how are you?” I assume they’re legitimately asking me? And if I ask someone else “how are you?” and they give me a generic answer, I feel like. Oh, they don’t want to talk to me. Because I was legit asking them how they are doing & want to know what’s going on in their life.
@MerrilyMerrilyMerrily
Жыл бұрын
The unrelenting pressure to have ‘people’ in one’s for the betterment of one’s mental and physical health is extraordinary when what really counts is the quality of those people.Before I self diagnosed at 50 and was formerly diagnosed at 58 I always tended towards misanthropy. Knowing that I have autism has not been a huge relief, it has merely explained why I have been (yes my paranoia was correct) intentionally excluded from most things. I developed Grave’s Disease about 10 years ago (now resolved) and I came across a metaphysical explanation for it, “rage at being excluded” oh yes. & I’m still fuming. If I can chit chat idly with strangers standing in a queue and say something that makes them smile or laugh, that’s about all the ‘human’ connection I need or want.
@lorilumax6850
Жыл бұрын
I definitely have a script.... from living in and around a lot of people who I don't know. My large family (70 immediate siblings and their kids) used to have large parties and gatherings.. 40-100 people... about half of them relatives.. but with many I only knew from these gathering, so I would "work the party" as hostess and just make polite sentences.. {small talk}. I found that most of the time I had my work mask on and never really met anyone... I guess it is how I coped. I also hid out in another room with the children much of the time
@theageofgoddess
Жыл бұрын
I can relate. But I don't feel anxiety anymore as much, now that I'm 50.. I just don't care for small talk at all, and that seems to be all most people can do 🤷🏻♀️
@davidbrooks1717
Жыл бұрын
I am a NT male who has been spending time with a woman I suspect is on the spectrum, and I'm struggling with the issue Paul has brought up. She and I are co-workers, with only little bits of time at work to talk, which almost always ends up being small-talk. We both seem unsatisfied with it, since we have had a great time connecting on a deeper level the few times we have briefly gotten together outside of work. But that's just the problem, it can be like pulling teeth to try to get together with her outside of work. I know working full time is already a drain for her, and there may just not be extra room in the cup, so to speak, for time getting to know me. Any tips? Going out for lunch during the workday seemed to work ok, but that is only one hour every month or two when our lunches align. Of course, she may just not be that interested in me. In that case, would someone tell her to stop flirting with me! I am starting to feel like I'm being toyed with.
@heytrollop
Жыл бұрын
I used to get frustrated that people would ask me how I was doing, but if I actually told the truth they did not want to know. I had a lot of chronic pain and I was honest. Eventually someone pointed out that people probably didn't want to know. So why do they ask?? I persisted that they shouldn't ask if they didn't want to know. And eventually in my head I realized it was a weird social greeting in place of hello. So I skipped the answer and just started replying Hi! No one ever even seemed to notice my response was, at least in my mind really odd. they accepted it as the quick greeting they intended. So I just say hi in response now. Though deep down, I'm still puzzled why they don't just say hi, that's what they mean. Do they think it makes them seem more caring? To me it's quite the opposite.
@mellarius188
10 ай бұрын
I think small talk is part of social grooming. Belonging in a surface way is okay too - even though I am terrible at it. Thanks for a great chat Paul.
@MsDamosmum
Жыл бұрын
Just popped in to ask has anyone ever had to have a cataract operation? I told them I would need something to help relax me. I said this 4 times to 4 different people on 3 different dates during assessments. The operation date was Monday 5th December 2022 (3 days ago) I could hear staff telling other patients they would be mildly sedated but when I asked I was told I did not need sedation. I was relatively calm (although I think it was more mental shutdown) up until the point they had me laying flat then put a cover over all of my face with just my right eye exposed. By this point I started to hyperventilate and I felt a strong urge to just burst into tears. I was struggling to know where he wanted me to focus. I panicked and said I can’t do this. The whole thing was aborted. I did end up in tears because I know I need the eye operation and now I’ll have to do it all again. Just wondered if anyone else with autism has had a similar experience or actually managed to go through an eye operation while being fully conscious?
@georginashanti4605
Жыл бұрын
I don't think I've ever been really good at small talk. I find that a lot of talk is based on gossip and other nonsense and is really quite superficial. It seems that not many people are interested in deep, meaningful or philosophical conversations. I guess small talk is just filling in a gap, like when you are standing in a queue and move forward a little, you make progress, but it lacks any meaningful outcome. Imagine how much of a lifetime is actually wasted in small talk that really no-one will actually remember or value. It's quite absurd really.
@ragathnor326
Жыл бұрын
Nope...I learned really early to tell people what I wanted and needed. That cost me socially many things ..mostly my extended family...but it was easy to find friends with similar temperaments and likes.
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