The boys are having trouble finding crimes to solve for their new detective club. They do manage to make a dollar solving the crime of the missing pie.
"Lil' Crime Stoppers" S07
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The boys walk up to another house, with a nice little window
and window sill looking into the kitchen. Stan knocks on
the door.
An old lady answers.
OLD LADY
Oh, hello there, boys!
STAN
Hello, ma'am, we're detectives with the
South Park crime unit. Do you have any
crimes you need solved, for a dollar?
OLD LADY
Ooh, neighborhood detectives! Well, let
me think... Ooh yes, there is something!
The boys light up.
KYLE
Really?!
OLD LADY
Yes, two days ago I put a fresh baked
cherry pie out on my window sill to
cool. And later when I went to get it,
it was gone.
CARTMAN
My God.
STAN
Have you reported this to any other
authorities?
OLD LADY
No, but I think it's a perfect case for
you kids!
KYLE
Cool! We'll see what we can find ma'am!
STAN
We're on the case!
EXT. OLD LADY'S HOUSE - DAY
Cartman and Kyle quickly follow Stan to the back of the
house.
CARTMAN
What have you got, Marsh?
STAN
Detective McKormick found something
interesting.
The boys stop and look at Kenny. Kenny points down and to
the left. PAN DOWN AND TO THE LEFT to find a dog laying
halfway out of his doghouse.
The dog holds a pie tin, still with some cherry in it and
licks at it with cherry all over its mouth.
Cartman puts his hand on Kyle's shoulder.
CARTMAN
Jesus... We're too late.
KYLE
I think we can piece this case together
now.
INT. OLD LADY'S HOUSE - DAY
The old lady is sitting with her old husband in recliners
watching television.
The boys walk in, Stan is holding the silver pie tin.
OLD LADY
My pie tin! Ooh, but what happened to
the pie?
KYLE
Well, we've all talked it through and
we've come up with a theory.
OLD MAN
Well what do you think happened, lil'
detectives?
STAN
You said you sat the pie on the
windowsill, where it must have sat for
sometime-
FLASH TO:
EXT. OLD LADY'S HOUSE - DAY
The old woman puts the pie on the window sill and leaves.
STAN
But's its sweet smell attracted the
attention of somebody -
The old man appears in the window and looks at the pie.
KYLE (O.S.)
Your husband. He wanted that pie badly,
but he knew that he was not allowed to
eat it yet.
INT. BEDROOM - OLD LADY'S HOUSE
The old man is laying in bed holding the covers up to his
chin and looking angry.
CARTMAN
Slowly, the rage built inside his mind.
Why won't she let me eat this pie? Why
does she always stop me from doing what
I want to do!? His only solution became
obvious - kill her.
INT. LIVING ROOM - OLD LADY'S HOUSE
STAN
His plan was to use a hammer -
The old man walks up behind the old lady, towards camera,
with a hammer raised over his head -
He strikes and VERY VIOLENTLY bashes the old lady's head in.
CARTMAN (O.S.)
(with each hit on screen)
Bash! Bash! Bash! Your skull in-
ZOOM IN CSI STYLE to the woman's head and show bone
fragments caving in and piercing the brain.
CARTMAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Causing instant death.
The old man stands over his wife's dead body, spattered with
blood.
STAN (O.S.)
Then to make it impossible for police to
identify the body he would use his
shovel to remove your head -
A grotesque shot of the old man stepping on his shovel and
then pulling back on the handle to pop the head off.
KYLE (O.S.)
Then saw off the arms and legs-
Two quick shots of a hacksaw sickeningly cutting through
shoulder then leg.
EXT. STARKS' POND
The old man in a boat dumps over the gross torso.
CARTMAN (O.S.)
The torso he would dump into the lake-
INT. BATHROOM
The old man, wearing a doctor's mask, is kneeling next to a
bathtub filled with arms and legs
STAN (O.S.)
The arms and legs he would dissolve with
acid and lye in the bathtub-
CARTMAN (O.S.)
And then finally, he'd be able to eat
his pie.
EXT. OLD LADY'S HOUSE - DAY
Back to the old man walking by the window sill, holding a
hammer, but the pie is gone.
KYLE (O.S.)
But before he could go through with his
entire plan, he discovered that the pie
had already been eaten. By your dog.
FLASH BACK TO:
INT. OLD LADY'S HOUSE - DAY
CARTMAN
Looks like the game is over, old man.
The old man and woman are sitting there with gaping open
mouths.
OLD LADY
Oh my God! What kind of television have
you kids been watching?!
STAN
Just the news.
The old lady shuffles the boys towards the door.
OLD LADY
Alright, alright, you boys run along
now!
STAN
Hey, you owe us a dollar, lady!
OLD LADY
(reaching in her purse)
Fine! Here! Just go!
EXT. OLD LADY'S HOUSE - DAY
The boys get pushed out the door and it closes.
STAN
Wow, look you guys!
(holding up the dollar)
Our first dollar!
KYLE
We're in business.
CLOSE UP on the dollar bill as Stan holds it up with two
hands.
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