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THE 9 TENANTS OF MATURE LOVE
By Dr. Nicole LePera
We've been sold on a version of love that involves fantasy and fairy tale. This will only lead to resentment and disappointment.
Mature love won't make it into the movies, but it is the path to fulfillment.
In culture, we've learned to view love as escapism.
If we meet the 'right' person, they'll rescue us from life as we know it.
Then, we can ride off into our happily ever after.
When the fantasy (which is actually just a hormonal response in the body) ends, we're left with another human being.
And, we have to navigate life with this person.
In order to navigate life with another person, we have to let go of the fairy tale version of love.
We have to take off our armor, learn to communicate, understand how we feel, and learn to directly express our needs.
1. We are responsible for our own happiness
We are an active participant in making ourselves happy, practicing self care, and meeting our own needs. This makes us better partners who are emotionally available to each other.
2. We speak our needs directly
We say what we want and what we need, even when uncomfortable. If we don't express our needs, we don't expect them to be met. We don't engage in mixed messaging or passive aggressive behavior.
3. We give space as needed
Space means love. We understand space is necessary for any emotionally healthy person. We respect the need for space, and understand it makes our relationship more connected when we return.
4. We forgive ourselves, regularly
We forgive each other when we are not the best versions of ourselves. We do not expect perfection, and accept each others flaws. We see the good in each other, and affirm that we're doing the best we can.
5. We stay connected in conflict
We understand that conflict is a natural part of life, and practice active listening and open communication. We work as a team to understand each other and find solutions, not to score-keep or "one up" each other.
6. We find play, together
We find unstructured time to just be ourselves. We make a consistent effort to plan this time doing whatever both makes us feel good and connected
7. We do not place all the pressure to meet needs on each other
We show interest in, and actively attempt to meet each other's needs on a regular basis. We also establish a support system outside of partnership so multiple people can meet our needs
8. We support each others self expression
We know the best partners allow each other to fully be themselves. We allow freedom and exploration and are committed to each others growth
9. We are autonomous adults:
We are not each other's parent, we are autonomous adults. Each partner is capable of making their own decisions, setting their own boundaries, and mutual respect is given.
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