Please Note: I do not have a telegram account and will not contact you privately for any reason. If someone reaches out to you based on a comment you have left claiming to be me, this is a fraudulent account.
@lunhing5308
Ай бұрын
Good
@juan_castellanos19
3 ай бұрын
I've noticed that one of the main reasons I isolate myself as much as I do (which is a lot) is because I feel like I don't have much to offer other people, and them spending time with me would just be a waste of their time.
@420mustard
3 ай бұрын
Same here. I isolate myself so much. And I feel like I have no influence on anything.
@user-uu9yb9wb5b
3 ай бұрын
I feel the same too sometimes
@lucylight176
3 ай бұрын
This is absolutely not true. And they will just feel rejected and put up their defences. Something like that. Try not to put any pressure on yourself and be as natural as you can. That is honestly all people want. I understand, I have exactly the same in a slightly different social area, I become invisible due to my lack of self esteem, I feel lost so I become lost. Then feel hurt I am not seen. I am gradually getting out there.
@spaced-outbutterfly4680
3 ай бұрын
I run from security when I see it. I try to keep the dynamic for a bad reason. When I let the dynamic go I feel relief or if I'm aware it's going to play out until a certain point, I usually feel despair because I thought I dynamic was what I wanted/needed.
@KarebelleMissKarebear
3 ай бұрын
Ugh but an excellent realization & self awareness. I resonate, but am in midst of turning this around. It s taken LOT of time, courage & self compassion which isn't 2nd nature either. But its been 1000% worth the 'work'.
@waynec369
3 ай бұрын
One term I find standing out among everything else is "needs." When you've been raised by highly narcissistic parents, you learn that your only needs are air, water, and food. Anything beyond those are wants & luxuries.
@ULTIMATEMONGSTATION
3 ай бұрын
imagine being raised by a narcissistic society where even those things are luxuaries
@spaced-outbutterfly4680
3 ай бұрын
My blindspot. I would play out dynamics with the belief that they would trap my goal into the frame. I felt trapped into the frame and I felt like someone else's goal. So I thought I could switch them around. When the dynamic was gone, I was getting my goals and free in thought. When the dynamic was around, I was trapping myself into different frames and missing the goals. The dynamic makes me think I'm the goal but I was the goalscorer or goalkeeper all along.
@shelbytimbrook2095
3 ай бұрын
This is also my experience. Didn't think this was also related to my narcissistic mother. At this point I'm starting to be convinced I have no personality and everything I do is some sort of coping mechanism lol.
@SkyeAten
3 ай бұрын
woahhh... that's so true though
@rebekah8789
3 ай бұрын
I would love a video that differentiates wants and needs, especially emotional ones
@user-hq1hg6st5n
3 ай бұрын
This has been a devastating realization for me. I never made the connection that ending relationships abruptly might be cruel. I never considered that my absence would have any impact on anyone.
@homesicknight
3 ай бұрын
Same :/
@hamish4609
3 ай бұрын
@@Ark-ys2upyou might be too "nice". Try reading "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura
@user-hq1hg6st5n
3 ай бұрын
@Ark-ys2up Could it be you actually have low self esteem? I've always been a high achiever, so I mistakenly assumed that I had good self esteem.
@Larissa-hp6wi
3 ай бұрын
Respectfully, I would look into why you're feeling like you're being talked down to. This conversation seems to be triggering something in you. I used to feel the same way when I felt like I was the only person who understood the way I was feeling. Oftentimes though, our experiences are more universal than we think! @@Ark-ys2up
@saharb9536
3 ай бұрын
same wow
@Lsb412
3 ай бұрын
I've spent a long time thinking that low self-esteem was a virtue, mistaking it for humility. After years of training myself to believe that other people have more value than me (what I thought was "putting others first"), I'm so practiced at dismissing my own needs that I have a hard time recognizing my needs at all. I can see my own self-fulfilling prophecy in assuming I am a burden to other people until that becomes a reality. It's isolating, and it's hurting my relationships. I want to change, but wow that change is uncomfortable, scary, and honestly embarrassing. I'm still trying.
@annas.770
3 ай бұрын
You've put that really well! It feels like a cultural inheritance, it goes so deep. Thank you for pointing out the distinction between low self-esteem and the actual virtue of humility- that's very helpful.
@sheep_forever
3 ай бұрын
Childhood PTSD is making yourself small by tolerating bare minimum, or thinking our efforts are bare minimum it won't matter if we withdraw
@Kyra-fe6do
3 ай бұрын
My journey has been similar. Thank you for putting into words and sharing. Heres to both of us healing ❤
@lowwastehighmelanin
3 ай бұрын
Oh no I'm so sorry. 😮
@magdanieznajomy3226
3 ай бұрын
I feel you deeply Its crazy that some of us people have such similar experiences
@alethea6781
3 ай бұрын
I’m absolutely guilty of this. I want to be left alone if I’m sick or having a hard time, probably because I was left on my own as a child. I tend to think others would prefer to be left alone too, when it’s not true.
@user-hq1hg6st5n
3 ай бұрын
Heide makes an excellent point about how people who identify as introverts might be managing the effects of childhood trauma. We need time alone to regulate our emotions after socializing, which triggers our anxiety. We can drop the mask when we're alone. I wish Heide would do more shorts!
@trangcaothu1303
3 ай бұрын
1. We tend to avoid helping others as we think we are not benificial to them 2. We think that we are not matter 3. We tend to not communicate out needs and become upset when our needs are not met
@UnLugubreEquivoco
2 ай бұрын
Totally me
@samanthachildress1091
2 ай бұрын
All of the above
@AD-hh6dd
2 ай бұрын
2 is more like we think we aren’t able to hurt anyone (because we don’t matter enough to be able to do so)
@AllisonSherman657
5 күн бұрын
"Recognize that your worth isn't defined by your past or current circumstances. Don't let self-doubt hold you back from investing in yourself and your financial future. Start small, learn, and take calculated risks. Believe in your potential for growth and prosperity, and know that your worth will follow."
@kaylat63
5 күн бұрын
I agree with you and I believe that the secret to financial stability is having the right investment ideas to enable you earn more money, I don’t know who agrees with me but either way I recommend either real estate or bitcoin and stocks.
@face2lune
5 күн бұрын
I keep wondering how people earn money in financial markets, i tried trading on my own made a huge loss and now I'm scared of investing more…
@AllisonSherman657
5 күн бұрын
@@face2lune Understanding your financial needs and making effective decisions is very essential. If I could advise you, you should seek the help of a financial advisor. For the record, working with one has been the best for my finances.
@face2lune
5 күн бұрын
I’m Glad i stumbled on this. Please, if its not too much of a hassle for you, can you drop the details of the CFP that assisted you and how to get in touch….
@AllisonSherman657
5 күн бұрын
@@face2lune I get guidance from *Susan Tori Davis* Most likely, the internet should have her basic info..
@aaronyork3995
3 ай бұрын
3 feet tall, oblivious to the harm we cause: fabulous analogy
@kareninsmile6177
3 ай бұрын
1. 3:02 - being indifferent/checked out in areas where people would actually appreciate having support. Having low self-esteem means we might believe we don’t have much to offer and miss opportunities to care about others in ways they actually want. 2. 6:13 - believing we don’t matter enough to hurt others deeply. Tends to show up in avoidant individuals who grew up in households where feedback was not given about their behavior. Often individuals carrying this belief also tend to believe they are somehow intrinsically flawed, which gets projected onto others.
@spaced-outbutterfly4680
3 ай бұрын
Maybe we think we are the opportunity to help, and believe the opportunity[which is us in this case] is not around and then the same dynamic continues. But the opportunity is the moment. The projection is the dynamics process? feels like I'm projecting. I believe information reduction is overprotection. It can also be a parents gift, and a child's curse
@amandaforrester7636
3 ай бұрын
2. Was my last relationship. He was shocked when his breaking up with me devastated me. He genuinely thought that he was doing the best thing for me.
@Tenebracas
3 ай бұрын
I was like this a few years ago. Two people I recently got to know invited me to go to the Christmas market together. I really wanted to go, but I had lots of shame about myself and assumed people hated spending time with me and would only ask me out of pity. Therefore, I agreed but tried to appear lukewarm and ambivalent, because I wanted to signal that if they changed their mind, they could just reject me without having to care about my feelings too much. I thought by not being enthusiatic and not "urging" them to include me, I would do them a favour. Another girl listening then made a mocking comment how it sounded like I really did not want to hang out, so why would I agree? In that moment it was embarrassing and hurtful, but I later realized that exactly because I behaved distanced and dismissive towards others, I would make them feel uncomfortable and rejected. It was not my shameful existence, but my behaviour that was the problem. So this experience thankfully opened my eyes quite a bit.
@ryanbarker3978
3 ай бұрын
It is crazy how fast some of this maladaptive thinking happens. You get close to someone, start splitting on them without realizing it, and unintentionally hurt them without even realizing it as you're trying to manage your own problems. It's very challenging to be prosocial when you come from an enmeshed or narcissistic family dynamic.
@goldink2813
3 ай бұрын
I feel like the reason I don't remind the people I'm close or ''close'' to about my birthday is because I think I don't matter enough to them for them to remember, let alone make my day special. I already anticipate that they won't really care so I'd rather not even share. Six years ago I lost my dad and found myself not knowing who to share with because I wondered if anyone actually even genuinely cares
@michelletulumello661
3 ай бұрын
It really sucks when you have PTSD that will NOT allow you to stop giving off that defensive energy.
@Diane_McDon
3 ай бұрын
It’s almost more terrifying to be self-aware of how often we’re acting inappropriately towards others
@conceptofeverything8793
2 ай бұрын
I dont sense defensiveness in people with PTSD
@michelletulumello661
2 ай бұрын
@conceptofeverything8793 I guess it depends on how you get the it and what having it has done to your life. I worked for years in a dangerous environment where I was physically attacked on the regular by emotionally disrequlated teenagers. I'm not very nice to my neighbor (can't make myself come near him, or make eye contact with him, actually) because he is autistic, and his version of stimming is running up and down outside of his house shrieking. He doesn't mean anything by it. He's a sweet guy with an intellectual disability, but my body thinks he's going to try to kill me. So I do my best to be socially appropriate towards him, but I am sure he thinks I don't like him. Which, to be honest, since I don't want to be around him at ALL, that's accurate. It just doesn't happen to be his fault, but it still probably hurts his feelings.
@conceptofeverything8793
2 ай бұрын
@@michelletulumello661 You dont need PTSD to have the instinct to keep away from potential danger.
@michelletulumello661
2 ай бұрын
@conceptofeverything8793 the neighbor isn't dangerous. He's intellectually disabled, and just runs around shrieking when he gets happy/excited about something but he has lived here for years and other neighbors say he's harmless. It's stimming. He's autistic. I'm the one with the problem.
@patriaciasmith3499
Ай бұрын
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
@steceymorgan814
Ай бұрын
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU
Ай бұрын
Yes, dr.sporessss I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
@IkamiLog
Ай бұрын
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
@steceymorgan814
Ай бұрын
Is he on instagram?
@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU
Ай бұрын
Yes he is. dr.sporessss
@Robstar0
3 ай бұрын
About a year ago I met a colleague who said what they thought about me, time and time again, and it was so positive. I still sometimes accidentally slip into low self esteem habits but otherwise my life has improved so much! I now casually ask people if they want to do fun things with me and they say yes, afterwards tell me they enjoyed themselves and even come to me to meet more often. All because of this one person casually brushing up my self esteem, and me working hard to take advantage of the experience! Overcoming this is so worth it. Do it, everyone!
@MarkThrive
3 ай бұрын
3:10 ...we might accidentally hurt others in our lives by being indifferent... I was the dad that was aloof... I was afraid I would cause more harm by reacting... until I started trauma therapy for EMDR I had no capacity to see how harmful my indifference was...
@spaced-outbutterfly4680
3 ай бұрын
You spoke about it with your child/ children?
@Youtubehandlesaresilly
3 ай бұрын
Indifference to those you care about is also a survival instinct if you’ve been around someone with NPD - they’ll use everything and anything you care about against you. Including kids.
@bryanthomas4907
3 ай бұрын
I hear that. No kids but presenting as aloof has become a tactic to keep me safe. It's funny I used to be overly warm and suffer from limerance and now I'm almost the opposite and I feel less guilt or shame about it which is a problem bc it means my empathy is waning.
@goldbrick2563
3 ай бұрын
Yeah thats so damaging to the kids. They think you dont give af.
@Baltabak
3 ай бұрын
as an someone who used to have that strong low self-esteem, the relationship with perceived value/worth of self/actions & real emotional effects of actions on other people is so critical. I remember once, I asked a girl to prom during a class for kicks because I thought she was totally away from my social grouping, and that it would be an obvious no, but she responded with authenticity, surprise, and vulnerability "really?", and I Immediately said no to save face, and I recognize her look of hurt before the reaction of disregard I expected came in. Realizing that I actually hurt her filled me with a shame that was stronger than my need to reinforce my belief that I was repulsive "like oh, even though I don't believe I deserve affection, I actually do believe other people deserve respect and decency, and she didn't deserve what I did, and I actually want to be more responsible with what I choose to say to people." thanks again for another explanation video!
@tishataray
3 ай бұрын
Aweww did you get a chance to clear things up
@golden_lion4133
3 ай бұрын
I hope you said sorry and took her to prom anyways.
@casey5260
2 ай бұрын
When I was in 7th grade, a girl I liked asked me to hang out. I assumed she was joking because who would want to hang out with me? What do I, a burden and unworthy, provide? So I said no in a sarcastic tone. I remember feeling the shame that you described in your message afterwords, realizing that I actually did hurt her feelings.
@user-nd6jf6le8w
3 ай бұрын
I grew up being sure that others would reject or make fun of me if I offered help, or a compliment, or expressed affection towards others. I remember that whenever I liked a boy or a man, I would automatically shut down or withdraw, instead of trying to approach and get to know the person. Not long ago, like two years ago, when I had just started going to therapy, I was completely overwhelmed with a feeling that everyone in this world rejects and makes fun of me. Now I feel as if the world is a different place. I am learning to be nicer, flirtier (when acceptable). I am learning to give and receive compliments and gifts, I used to hate both. All my life I was sure that I was unloveble and ugly and now I am surprised to learn that it was actually my rejection of people around me and men in particular. But it all started with getting to know myself, my needs and boundaries, working on my self esteem and learning to accept the fact that I am capable to look after myself. I have to work immensely on anxiety healing as well. Sending love to everyone who is going the same process.
@indigo92099
2 ай бұрын
This is very inspiring to hear. I'm at a similar place as you describe your past. I've come a long way already and I still want to keep learning to eventually make the same process
@SpencerElliott
3 ай бұрын
As a low self esteem haver, thank you for this! I've had many experiences where I realize afterwards how much I was projecting onto the other person / acting with defensive energy. Later I want to reconcile/apologize to them, but it's hard to articulate exactly what I'm apologizing for, and there's a fear that I'm going to bring that defensive/weird energy right back again. There's a feeling of loss associated with this, as a potential connection was lost. Curious about how to navigate this.
@thunderpooch
3 ай бұрын
if you figure it out, let me know
@lgfish5337
3 ай бұрын
It's never too late to try. It might not go to plan, sure, but you'll never know unless you try. Today's bizarre "block"ing and bridge burning culture doesn't help but ..I feel like we have to be the change we want to see in the world sometimes. Just one take.
@amandawitman
3 ай бұрын
Heidi, you just nailed the “invisibility complex” that I’ve been struggling to understand in myself and explain to others for years. Instead of 3’ tall, I feel invisible, even when I know rationally that I’m not. Yes, it makes you believe that what you do and say has no effect, that nobody sees or needs or wants what you can offer. And it is indeed self-fulfilling. But it’s also self-protective. I recognize that I was mis-socialized this way (insecurely attached parents, bullied as a kid, married to an avoidant for two decades). So the invisibility was imposed on me, but it was also embraced by me because smaller feels safer. Would you talk more about how to feel safe when you’re shedding the maladaptive tools that you have used for years to feel safe?
@jessicalinger7689
3 ай бұрын
Yes I also feel the invisibility complex. I have had a close friend tell me that I am a giant even though I act like I'm so tiny. This makes so much sense now.
@chilloften
3 ай бұрын
At this point, I feel pretty low, and just don’t want to involve others because it feels so horrid that I’m sure they’re better off without me. Besides the fact, I don’t want them finding out how bad I truly feel.
@beverlytaylor1745
3 ай бұрын
Perhaps you can share these deeper feelings with God. He understands you. I hope you feel better. 🙏
@kristyphan8676
3 ай бұрын
Your last sentence - I have this fear too. It's scary to let people in, about how bad I truly feel, but deep inside I hope people can see that and not think any less of me.
@SBecktacular
3 ай бұрын
Have you asked yourself why you feel this way?? Do you know? are there good things in your life? Are you focusing on the bad?
@user-vn9sh6hv8r
3 ай бұрын
I get that, and i think a lot of other people feel this way too... but none of us reveal that to anyone so we all go around assuming we're the only ones feeling this way. Sorry i don't know what else to say other than you're not alone in this and i hope you'll start to find things easier 💕
@chilloften
3 ай бұрын
@@user-vn9sh6hv8r thank you, very kind words.
@erindabney2758
3 ай бұрын
Hmmm… my therapists said I was overly attuned to other people and gave others the benefit of the doubt too often. They said the reason I did this was because my self-esteem was tragically low.
@InChristIDelight
Ай бұрын
The same thought cropped up for me too..
@Brandon-yr3nj
3 ай бұрын
as a 6'6" avoidant the size metaphor hit shockingly close to home
@nedoshivin
3 ай бұрын
6'3 fearful avoidant here - yesssssss hits hard
@stringcheeseofficial1977
3 ай бұрын
Dude I'm 5'10" and I had to pause the video to scream at the sky for a bit after she said that
@zurirobinson2749
3 ай бұрын
Growing up as a always-large-for-my-age (now 5'8.5" in adulthood) child with disorganized attachment, I didn't know my own size either physically and emotionally. Even though I literally understood that I was bigger than most of the other kids, it just became another thing that I hated about myself- I wanted to be tiny and cute (like I was before it all went wrong) because I thought it would make me worthy of protecting. To this day I still feel like a confused little girl in an adult body, which is now driven home by the fact that in the adult world there is no "bigger than my classmates", I'm being compared to other adults (and am still one of the smallest adults in my family).
@davecullins1606
3 ай бұрын
I'm 6'4", and I realised recently that even my memories have in many cases been distorted without me noticing so that everyone I remember being there always look like they were taller than me in those moments. I've since then begun actively adjusting them to their actual heights, or the closest I can remember them actually being, as I realised the distortion came from a lack of self-esteem. No surprise, practically none of them were taller than me. I think that the distortion is especially important to remove from memories where you got intimidated or where someone was aggressive towards you. My theory is that the size distortion just reinforces your subconscious belief that you were incapable of defending yourself, or that the situation was more threatening than it actually was
@purpleneons
3 ай бұрын
i'm a 6'4 anxious and funnily enough i've always felt i should be at least a foot shorter lol
@CJ-hh3gx
3 ай бұрын
I am in the process of unlearning the lessons of my shame-based upbringing in an attempt to step into the welcoming energy everyone else says that I have. As a result, I have been able to help people close to me, including a friend making their way through a divorce. Seeing and, more importantly, acknowledging the gratitude I have received over the past few months has been really eye opening. I have a long way to go still, but I have seen a difference.
@kimberlyf4888
Ай бұрын
This was me throughout my early life and into adulthood. I used to hear that I needed to love myself in order to really love someone else, and I would wonder how in the world I could love myself? I also didn't think I had any discernible personality, that no one even concerned themselves with me. I somehow completely reversed all of that. Everything about me did a 180 - I like myself, I see how I interact with people and know the power that I have. I would never have imagined I'd be here, but so thankful that I am.
@frybabyofficiak
3 ай бұрын
I had (emphasis on had) a friend with incredibly low self esteem. They always approached any interaction with percieved hostility. Any attempts to encourage or compliment was met with "yeah right" or similar. Our friendship became so unsustainable after essentially being called a liar for years. We dont speak anymore and unfortunately they havent changed their outlook on themselves
@lowwastehighmelanin
3 ай бұрын
I have had this same experience. It's very hard to be on the outside of that.
@cbeautifulworld11
3 ай бұрын
I've had a lifelong inability to recognize how much humans and animals have loved or cared about me. Only in hindsight can I see it, decades later, by then it is often too late..
@BarbaraM-lv7pe
3 ай бұрын
@cbeautifulworld, start a gratitude/memory journal. You can refer to it if you’re feeling “less than”. Those memories will buoy you up and bring a tear all at the same time.
@cbeautifulworld11
3 ай бұрын
@@BarbaraM-lv7pe Thank you.🌟
@picklepirate
3 ай бұрын
I was super rude and crappy to my friends in this past week. The analogy of feeling three feet tall and shoving people around hit it right on the head. I didn’t think anyone actually put any merit into anything I said, so to me, it didn’t feel like it would be offensive. But, it hurt people deeply.
@jjhassy
3 ай бұрын
antidotes in order: - exterocept (focus on others not what they think of u which ironically is an inward rumination) -evaluate what you brought to an interaction (to counteract the belief we have no effect on dynamics with others) - challenge black-and-white beliefs (all men/women are mean etc. beliefs like this can corrupt dynamics with ppl) - evaluate congruence/energy (feel energy of ppl that may contradict what theyre saying, goes for you as well) - find ppl who want to help u and know how to ask nicely
@Juliebear122
3 ай бұрын
too many steps 😞
@hattifnattism
3 ай бұрын
I'm only a few minutes into the video, but can I just say thank you thank you thank you for acknowledging that trauma and low self esteem can come from sources not just in the parental home? Yes, my family was definitely dysfunctional growing up, but a large part of what crushed my self-esteem and caused a huge amount of pain were thirteen years of relentless bullying and ostracism in school, and you don't understand how many therapists i've seen who went "so.... anyway, about your family" when I sat there sobbing and begging them to acknowledge the impact this bullying had on me.
@zaram131
2 ай бұрын
Exactly. My family was more or less normal, but at school I was laughed at by the big kids and I think that’s where it all started.
@elycetyler1942
12 сағат бұрын
My parents moved constantly so we always had to adjust to entirely new social environments. We weren’t allowed to have feelings about that. I died when I was 9-1/2 years old and have been dead ever since.
@kellythompson1318
3 ай бұрын
If there was only one group that could watch this video I'd say that incels are in desperate need of this information. Very informative though, thank you!
@Cathyblj
Ай бұрын
They truly need it, but would prefer to just blame women for all their problems. It never occurs to them that their energy is off-putting or that they say offensive things.
@kellythompson1318
Ай бұрын
@Cathyblj Yeah absolutely! This would be the cure to all their issues if they could handle looking inside themselves.
@marino5652
8 күн бұрын
@@Cathybljexactly. Imagine going on a date whith someone who you activly dislike, and sou think that person is going to exploit you and is also less of worth and is benith them. I mean why even go to such a dste in a first place? And coming with that attitude how can you expect this person to like you. They basicaly set themself up for failure and then blame the other person for not liking them while they activly hate the other person.
@seanbrancati5792
3 ай бұрын
The way you compartmenalize information and the cadence you speak in is so easy to follow. Amazing video as per usual, thank you 👏
@greghodge7479
3 ай бұрын
I've been trying to figure out why my intentions are chronically taken differently than I mean them, and why I'm constantly defensive, and all the other things you just said. Funny thing is that I've done a lot of work on my mind over the last few years and I thought my self esteem was much better.
@angelomihailovic2889
3 ай бұрын
Your videos have a way of directly reaching my inner child that doesn't set off so many alarms and triggers that usually pull me out of the moment when going into these topics. They've been such an invaluable tool for my inner work that I don't know where I'd be without your channel. Thank you for what you do, Heidi!
@tishataray
3 ай бұрын
💯
@zekova
2 күн бұрын
"Whatever you believe the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world." 💯💯💯
@laureenprice8123
5 күн бұрын
I have been working on trying to heal my low self esteem most of my adult life and have healed a lot of it but not all of it. I want to share something that has helped me is to tell myself daily this even though sometimes I don't believe it: I am valuable, whole, and complete. I also read a book about low self esteem that was bible based. It said that not loving ourselves was an insult to God. However, the things I have mentioned did not offer instructions on how to overcome these problems as this video did. Thank you Heidi for making this video.
@PeterZeeke
3 ай бұрын
If KZitem ever goes down, this will be the most tragically lost resource
@Fittiboy
3 ай бұрын
22:02 As an autistic person, my posture and my tone are always kind of strange...
@jaymeleonhard3764
3 ай бұрын
Your authenticity will come through even if your posture and tone are kind of strange. Maybe this is just me as I have a lot of autistic /neurodivergent people in my life and I am neurodivergent as well.
@user-sm9tg4rc1n
3 ай бұрын
Please do a video on how to know when we’re giving incongruent ‘weird energy’ that rubs people the wrong way❤
@MarkThrive
3 ай бұрын
6:15 second biggest blind spot... I can relate to this one too... my family wife and kids said that they loved me! I heard that they loved me unconditionally... I also felt like my negative behavior ... what I later learned was my unresolved trauma triggers ... was a one off(to my parts) and I believed that my family was more insulated/resilient from my feedback! I later learned from my wife ...now my ex and kids that I was toxic! That is when I had the moment of clarity that I had a serious problem... I was turning out to be like my dad... who I swore I'd never be like...the unpredictable alcoholic...! It then took several years to discover I had untreated childhood CPTSD and to find a therapist with personal experience with EMDR. Your videos are a great supplement as I connect the dots learning about my conditioned unsecure attachment style! I'm also reading Pete Walker-Surviving CPTSD and John Bradshaw's -Healing from Toxic Shame. I sense that my awareness and ability to be present and articulate feelings is helping my relationship with my kids. Your videos outside my regular therapy instill hope for a more secure attachment style with myself and others! ❤️🩹❤️❤️🩹❤️
@beverlytaylor1745
3 ай бұрын
Godspeed, Mark. We grieve for our losses as well. Being aware of my spiritual need and turning to God helped me recover from what Bradshaw calls a "soul murder". The effects of Narcissistic/Toxic abuse is well exposed nowadays. I found Dr. Ramani on KZitem to be very helpful for victims. All the best to you. 🙏
@stormtrooper_
3 ай бұрын
Hey do you watch crappy childhood fairy by any chance?😅
@MarkThrive
3 ай бұрын
@@stormtrooper_ yes 👍
@endTHEhegemony_Today
3 ай бұрын
I wish I had found this info 20 years ago. I'm sitting here ugly crying because finally my self-serving behavior actually makes sense. I have read SO many damn books related to personal growth trauma and relationships and NOT ONE mentioned this 🖤💜💙💚💙💜🖤 THANK YOU for bringing it here to show us today 🖤💜💙💚💙💜🖤 Much Love!!
@saram5659
3 ай бұрын
I think I'm 12 feet tall: I think I'm a burden, everyone sees everything I do, and when something breaks in another room still assume it's my fault. It's low self esteem gone the other way 😅
@BarbaraM-lv7pe
3 ай бұрын
Aww saram, stop scapegoating yourself, give yourself more grace
@hannah__jemima
3 ай бұрын
I used to tease my brother, because I was always told by my mum that he had 'social skills', and that is how I saw him too, so I thought he was too popular and confident to get hurt by someone like me. Thought it was a win-win situation - I could have fun, and he would laugh it off. Was so confused when I found out later that it actually did hurt him. It did not fit with the persona my mum taught me he had.
@Jesse-qk1uy
3 ай бұрын
If low self-esteem is promoted as a dysfunctional aspect of the ego, why is it so common to idolize famous people and/or put others on a pedestal? That is because there is this idea that our negative thoughts about our worth are bad, even while society reinforces these ideas of external status and worth. So, instead of beating ourselves up about our thoughts and taking everything personally, let us learn to challenge the subtle societal messages that reinforce the definition of success, intelligence, and worth.
@trtl9106
3 ай бұрын
Heidi Your cadences are very melodic. it's so soothing to hear a licensed professional speaking like this
@JaneThatcher89
3 ай бұрын
She’s a licensed professional?
@trtl9106
3 ай бұрын
@@JaneThatcher89 she sure sounds like one
@ahem8013
3 ай бұрын
@@JaneThatcher89she has a masters in attachment theory
@lgfish5337
3 ай бұрын
Shes very good at this and I appreciate it a lot but as far as I have been able to learn, she doesn't have a license (that would LMSW or LCSW, etc . only some masters degrees include practicums and the option to get licensed by your state.) If anyone knows otherwise I'm happy to be wrong !
@JaneThatcher89
3 ай бұрын
@@lgfish5337 Yeah! I’m not sure but I truly don’t care about degrees. Many people I know who are the best in their field are the people who never went to college, but have all the self study and hands on experience they needed to be successful! She’s obviously very well versed and well studied, she knows the material she presents very deeply and communicates with such insight, profoundness and clarity. I’d listen to her over someone with a degree on paper, any day! She’s amazing, and has helped so many.
@nataliabogdanova2816
3 ай бұрын
This is a hard topic. And so many rules how appropriately to ask for help, and what energy/vibe you’re carrying.. now looks like an impossible task - that adds even more anxiety and shame to already low self-esteem.
@heidipriebe1
3 ай бұрын
I wouldn’t think of these as rules (I imagine I would bog myself down with pressure/overwhelm approaching them that way) but as options that can be experimented with - even just as thought experiments at first!
@chrismaxwell1624
3 ай бұрын
No rules for asking for help. You just ask for help but don't expect help. People can be to busy but if you ask and the can't help you now they know you are willing to ask and will help when they can. This is lesson I had to learn. Asking for help and not getting it is not a rejection. I just need to open the door for others to help me. I also had to learn that just because some asks me for help that I am not obligated to help them. I will if I can but I'm not always free to do that, I have other priorities. They as well. Thing is people help other as way of socially connecting, that's does seem odd to me. My brain just doesn't understand that. Help for me I've always seen as transaction. I help and that becomes currency to ask for help. Only p
@cornwallismorgan874
3 ай бұрын
I would definitely say that the most important part is learning to ask for help appropriately, and this can even be as simple as, "Hey, I really like hearing from you." Someone who's even remotely alive will probably respond with, "Okay, then I'll text/call you more" and will actually do it. And as you practice voicing your needs, your energy will naturally shift more towards center.
@thunderpooch
3 ай бұрын
I'm slowly in recovery mode and what was tripping me up was setbacks and a flood of feelings. I would start to shut down because I was being so hard on myself for sometimes feeling "too low" and "too depressed" and "too needy" etc. what really helped me was giving up the all-consuming pressure to "perform correctly." now i just tell myself, "consider relaxing the emotions you're having right now just a bit." "there's sufficient evidence that you're not that bad and that things aren't so bad." by merely focusing on taking the edge off I find my anxiety is manageable. i let the feelings occur but let myself relax ever so slightly.
@BarbaraM-lv7pe
3 ай бұрын
chrismaxwell, that “tit for tat” mentality will not serve you well. Help when you can or when you want; do not expect much in return unless you’re really put out and that other person has knowledge or a gifted skill to help you. Remember you can always say “no” if it does suit your schedule at the time.
@memc4903
3 ай бұрын
i feel like i'm the opposite of this, i felt three feet tall as a kid (like because i was a child who was still learning) but everyone treated me like i was six feet tall and should have all the answers. my emotional self feels likeba fun house mirror lol
@mx2dy
3 ай бұрын
Heidi, your videos have been such a source of grief and growth these past couple weeks. Thank you
@vdl3984
3 ай бұрын
After all my life as a FA, it's very difficult to believe that others want to help. I lived left out and ignored too much to even give this theory a chance. I've never seen anyone care even a bit for any of my struggles, even when expressing them directly saying literally "I need help". Usually the only response you get is: "you are wrong, you are making up things, nobody thinks this way, etc". What I've seen is them being perfectly happy as I struggle to barely get to the next day. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, others just don't care at all. All these problems about self-esteem are not just things that people make up in our minds, there is a foundation why we believe them. Thinking that it's just a belief would seem like gaslighting at oneself at this point.
@ahsokaventriss3268
3 ай бұрын
FA? Fearful avoidant?
@justinalexander7512
3 ай бұрын
I know what you mean. You are right that most people are not kind. That has been my experience as well. People that are kind do exist though. I promise you. I know just a few, and I treasure them and our conversations. You will find your own if you keep looking for them with an open heart. I think many people literally don't know how to be emotionally intimate.
@nataliabogdanova2816
3 ай бұрын
I can relate! I also wonder if “healthy and compassionate” people exist on different “wave” so we just can’t really catch it and connect. 🤷♀️ So it’s like you already need to be “getting healthy” on your own - and then there is a chance for having “better” people around 🤔
@joshliam1967
3 ай бұрын
Love the paradigm shift represented by the Eckhart Tolle quote. It's true too, sometimes I won't go to an event and then will feel envious of the people that hung out together when I chose not to go in the first place. The perspective shift I needed.
@smokingcrab2290
3 ай бұрын
What's hard for me sometimes is to actually care about everything people are saying. There's lots of things people sya that I just don't relate to. And I wish I knew how to relate to anything and I wish I knew how to care about what they're going through without going too deep.
@user-jy9xi4ut3v
3 ай бұрын
I just wanted to say I think your work is immensely valuable!
@InnerWorkGuideShobhali
2 ай бұрын
This is such an important education piece - these blindspots are basically like water for fish, you know, "Where's the water?!" 😅 I've seen this particular low self-esteem narrative play out in so many people - love how you've explained it! I'm definitely sharing this on!
@blissaethetic
2 ай бұрын
watching this as a 3'6 dwarf hits harder
@oliviajoysavard9494
3 ай бұрын
What about a video that underlines healing low self-esteem? I have had this issue, I don’t think I ever felt indifferent to another persons struggle and more fear of being abandoned for failure of helping them.
@Rob_132
3 ай бұрын
Have you watched Kristen Neff’s videos on self compassion and why it might be more important than self esteem? I’d highly recommend them.
@nomadak723
3 ай бұрын
At about minute 13 she starts addressing these points.
@oliviajoysavard9494
3 ай бұрын
@@nomadak723 what points?
@nomadak723
3 ай бұрын
@@oliviajoysavard9494 Oh, more detail on what to do about addressing/healing the low self esteem issues.
@oliviajoysavard9494
3 ай бұрын
@@nomadak723 has it helped you?
@Genashi1991
3 ай бұрын
So on top of me... having low self-esteem, allegedly I am also being selfish. Good job me, good job.
@ReginaMcNeish
Күн бұрын
Does saying this to yourself make you feel good? The shaming??
@matthi344
3 ай бұрын
I lived exactly as described in this video for my whole life (especially points 1 and 2). I understood these mechanisms by myself a long time ago (i'm pretty good at analyzing myself), but i've never been able to change this, despite a lot of efforts. This low self esteem stuff is really deeply engraved in me. Now i'm in a mindset where on one side of course I would like to change my life, but i don't believe that it's possible, and on the other side I'm getting used to my life the way it is and i pretty much accept it
@BarbaraM-lv7pe
3 ай бұрын
matt: Don’t give up on you! It’s totally worth changing tack through your life! ⛵️
@TheVonWeasel
3 ай бұрын
I've always been confused on what the heck is the difference between a "want" and a "need". As far as I can tell the only thing I have is wants. And most of those wants are what constantly screw me over when I give in to them involving other people
@kayGokRayy103
3 ай бұрын
This specific video of yours spoke to me Heidi, I can’t thank you enough for you and your channel ❤
@brianarbenz7206
26 күн бұрын
Yep. That's my way of thinking about myself. Just Yep.
@theodora1979
3 ай бұрын
This came at the perfect time in my life and it has been such an eye opening video! Thank you very much for sharing everything. As I have been binge watching your content, I never actually realized just how self-centered I was due to my own insecurities. I always lied to myself in my mind that I was being this self-less person that is always abandoned by others when in fact the reality was that I was doing all these things inauthentically and most likely people sensed it. I needed the validation and to be seen and I swear the quote you mentioned is so true. I was not seen by others because I didn't see them either or I didn't try to
@musicenthusiast96
4 күн бұрын
i love your videos it really helps me sit down and reflect on my life. and its true, my childhood was rife with bullying (im not proud of it and people kinda still ridicule me about this even in adulthood) and subconsciously we pick up on ideas that we are not worthy and have to do everything ourselves. i struggle about this at work, i want to do everything myself but i get rlly burnt out, and im in healthcare so it is exhausting if i clean patients by myself. i get paggro and people leave me alone bc they don't want to piss me off. but in reality like what you said - i need to advocate for myself. thanks for the reminder!
@WobblieSkellie
2 ай бұрын
What relationships?
@Crystalmayot
3 ай бұрын
This is pure wisdom. I cant thank you enough for your impact on my life in the last couple of months!
@MartinCharles
3 ай бұрын
Something has changed in this channel's content in the last 3 videos. The content is concise, useful and thought provoking. More than before
@magdalenagutierrez3072
3 ай бұрын
People respond to the energy I bring. Thanks for the homework exercises. I’ve heard that before but you explained it “painfully”well. I’m feeling like it’s upside down wisdom but driving my life while blind spotted has made more than a dent in the self esteem. I’m encouraged to accept responsibility. Thanks again for your dedication to sharing practical wisdom.
@maquis1911
3 ай бұрын
I wish the captions worked on this video, but I think I got most of the information. I've been trying to work on my self-esteem and confidence for a while now. I recently started looking into attachment theory. I find these videos even more helpful than the books I've read. This makes so much sense. I definitely have an insecure attachment. I can see how my struggle with this affects my relationships. I'm working to do better and now I have excellent ideas on how to do that. Thank you!
@nathanbanks2354
3 ай бұрын
Captions are working for me 5 hours later.
@maquis1911
3 ай бұрын
@nathanbanks2354 hmm. I'll go back and see if they are available to me now. I'll rewatch it if they are. The problem might have been that the video had just been posted recently. I have had that situation before. Thank you for the update.
@BarbaraM-lv7pe
3 ай бұрын
I, too, have been studying attachment theory and family of origin. I know that I have blind spots, I’ve just always wondered what they were and not being aware of what I bring to others’ tables, so to speak. Heidi puts into words these concepts that I could never really put into words and be more cognizant of. Thank you Heidi, you hit the nail right on the head!
@ikz2298
3 ай бұрын
I'm having hard time to understand why do I need to proactively take care of people while it is told that safe and Secure people just wait for clearly communivated needs... And that's tru, I always thought my help was of no value...
@iroveashe
3 ай бұрын
This is such a complicated issue for me, because I am waking up to this fact, but at the same time I don't know how to navigate situations where it IS possible that I'm just slightly pestering a friend. I don't have many relationships where they'd tell me straight up, and I don't want to maybe push it just because I'm having my own struggle against my inner critic. In other words, if we didn't learn that we can provide value to others by offering help, because of that we don't have a good compass of what would be offering too much help or being too insistent. We're so used to undershooting, it's hard to know if we're overshooting. And sometimes it's even necessary to overshoot and step outside boundaries in order to learn, which kinda sucks.
@tohike123
3 ай бұрын
This is so good to hear it articulated…thank you! I have been grappling with some of these for years.
@cledwards
3 ай бұрын
I needed to hear this, all praise due to God 🤲
@stefanolm95
3 ай бұрын
I love you, Heidi! Discovering your channel has been truly a blessing 💙
@astridhanl4861
3 ай бұрын
Ots crazy how much this video hit my spots! Those are literally the things I struggle most with! And by which I put too much pressure on my relationships... You can't imagine how hard it is right now not to fall over myself taking care of someone I live and just had an accident. But they r totally fine and it's all my issue. Thank you so much for opening my eyes again and helping me on my journey to overcome my shadows and do the deep healing that lies behind the pain of this break up. And is the root of me attracting and idealizing ppl, that aren't available or secure for me
@ericniles4867
2 күн бұрын
A real masterwork, you are really helping me understand cognitive distortions in my thinking. I like how you incorporate counseling for avoidant personalities regularly.
@renzoohm6844
3 ай бұрын
Just genius how you can lecture this in depth with so many gems throughout! I kinda feel like you’re the rising authority in the KZitem / influencer sphere for attachment based psychotherapy !
@fettywapofficial
3 ай бұрын
every video of yours functions as a true gift to my healing. i feel so lucky to be seeking this knowledge at the same time as you are sharing it, it fills me with gratitude that our timelines are aligned!!! so perfect.
@robynblair155
3 ай бұрын
This information is so freaking valuable. Thank you💖
@wrathes2239
3 ай бұрын
Heidi, I thought I'd about figured it all out but this video really blew open the web I've spun for myself. Thank you for being so articulate and clear. Your videos are all information, no frills, no distractions, and I cannot thank you enough for putting these out there. After decades of hurt and cptsd, I feel like I'm finally learning to become a person with your channel.
@shramanderson1028
3 ай бұрын
Can't possibly thank you enough. I find all of your videos to be quite enlightening, but this one in particular is like a narrative of my life. Had I known much of this 30 years ago, would have saved me from much gut-wrenching anguish, frustration and misery in my life. Grateful to finally have answers to many of the questions that have kept me awake for countless nights.
@knowledge4723
Ай бұрын
This was one of, if not the most impactful and eye-opening self-improvement videos I’ve ever watched. The video and some of the comments here have extremely resonated with me. Thank you
@NganHoang-dy8el
3 ай бұрын
Heidi, you are my savior. Thank you so much. Your video has been helping me healing myself and my relationship in a unbelievable speed. Please keep doing this
@SummitMan165
3 ай бұрын
You are just amazing Heidi! This video illustrate many of the ways I felt for most of my life until a few years ago. You are wonderful helping me and others to heal their trauma
@marcelvandermeulen2219
3 ай бұрын
Your videos seem to get better every time. This one once again clarifies so many things I encountered, but never fully grasped. Especially not helping or expressing needs as you have learned that it would not make a difference and thinking you are only three feet tall.
@chrislim7976
Ай бұрын
This is so interesting and explains why people with low self esteem can be so frustrating. Delivery is also done so well: articulate and so easy to listen to. Thank you.
@mihaelabonea1122
3 ай бұрын
Thank you for your time and efort to bring up such topics. I think Heidi you are amazing . I can’t say how much your videos have changed my Life’s perspective. God bless you!
@kimmykins326
2 ай бұрын
Thank you so so much for creating the content you do, you’ve been in my feed for awhile and I kept saving things for later cause I knew they’d be helpful but I was afraid to take the plunge, and I’m so glad I finally did. I feel like I get more understanding out on one video than I have months of therapy 😂
@generallyalurker
3 ай бұрын
Thank you for helping bring light and clarity to what are otherwise confusing life experiences.
@user-td2zn9hs6d
3 ай бұрын
Would really appreciate a video on why two FAs often attract each other (low self-esteem plus chaos). Love the pro-social explanation in this video. Thank you for your content!
@beverlytaylor1745
3 ай бұрын
Heidi - you're delightful and insightful. Thank you for another helpful video. I consider your channel a blessing.
@SophG.
3 ай бұрын
This was a deep breath of fresh air..
@Sjess25
3 ай бұрын
I was literally thinking about this exact same thing. How maybe the truth is that I’m actually way more valuable and competent as I think I am therefore people are really baffled and angered if I’m not showing up as me… thank you so much! ❤
@havcola6983
3 ай бұрын
23:00 I feel like there should be a warning here: Not everyone who presents or self-identifies as securely attached like to be helpful. Quite a number of them are in fact Avoidant, or may have other trauma. In those cases asking them to help you may backfire _spectacularly_ as they may feel pressured or pushed by it. Totally not how I drove a friend away recently. 😩
@naticaleb123
3 ай бұрын
Heidi, you are Heaven sent for me at this moment. Finally, I can put words to my feelings, exactly. I relate with your perspective, I would love to know what you feel about a person whose’s low self-esteem comes from a physical handicap that involves hearing and speech. That has been my story, I had a wonderful childhood, except for the fact that I was bullied as a little girl for my impediments. Now as an adult, I finally recognize & reflect on my insecure attachments, where I was trying to make up my shortcomings incorrectly. I am looking forward to playing all I was your videos, because your lessons are invaluable. I think one on one time with you would be incredible. Grateful to have found you on YT, I wanted to Thank you so much!!
@brycenwhitesides6866
Ай бұрын
I will probably come back and watch this video again. What I learned: securely attached people (which is what I want to develop in myself) look for ways to get other people’s needs met as well as figure out ways to help others get their own needs met by asking for support in specific areas. What you think you are lacking in your interactions with others (acceptance, love, support, warmth) is actually what you’re not giving to yourself and others first. So give it first in a sincere and honest way to yourself and others and it will be reciprocated. But it has to be real and sincere.
@amor2874
Ай бұрын
I just found you, D’Angelo, and wow this is one of the most well thought out video essays I’ve ever watched. Thank you for taking such care with this subject.
@rachaelcaruso7096
3 ай бұрын
Wow Heidi, you are amazing; truly one of a kind. Your videos have covered topics I’ve never heard anyone else cover, and they help me immensely! Thank you for what you do!! 🤗 Yes, I do suffer from this problem and get stuck in a loop that I haven’t been able to get out of. And other times I felt the opposite. What you say rings true. I’ll work on doing what you say.
@jessicalinger7689
3 ай бұрын
1000% every word of this is me. Ah! Thank you for this!!!!
@SilviaOohlala
3 ай бұрын
Wow, I’ve seen a few of your presentations now and each one is on an important topic, clear and full of insights as well as suggestions for growth! Thanks so much for doing what you do, and how you do it 🌺
@judyblackshear3789
3 ай бұрын
This was eye-opening and mind-blowing. I could see each of these points clearly demonstrated in my relationships. I still hold that it's true that all of those lessons (to believe and act in those insecure ways) were forced on me by the messed up people in my life. But they are not true of everyone, and those beliefs are holding me back from relationship with the good people. Thank you!
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