Narcissistic personality disorder, where the narcissist thinks that they are the victim and the victims thinks that they are the narcissist
@schoolwerk3744
Жыл бұрын
So very accurate.
@mariaridler1831
Жыл бұрын
Very true
@wisemanadvices9541
Жыл бұрын
Victim don't think, they know that they are the narcissist. It is narcissist who think they are the victim.
@nap163020
Жыл бұрын
Perfectly said!
@rajusharma6437
Жыл бұрын
I always ask from myself that i was the narcissist?
@HonestyIsAVirtue7
Жыл бұрын
The hardest part of the healing process for me has been accepting the fact that the narcissist was intentionally plotting, and scheming behind my back the whole entire 32 years of marriage. He was on a determined mission to completely destroy me. And, I was clueless about that. He had me in a trance. I was in a total brain fog. That just blows my mind still to this day. Its CRAZY! He's been out of my life for 5 years now, and I've done a lot of healing. But, I don't believe that I will ever be able to trust another creature like I once did him. He killed my trust. And, that part of me has been damaged forever. I'm just saying that there's some things that I won't ever do again. I won't ever give anyone else all of my heart on this earth again. God is the only one that I trust with my heart....
@mountain10
Жыл бұрын
Same! My son is four years in being married to a narcissist. It is devastating. I pray for God to help us soon!!!
@HonestyIsAVirtue7
Жыл бұрын
@@mountain10 I'm so sorry to hear that your son has been targeted. The creatures are predators. They're pure evil. I pray that he will make a plan, and break free from the narc. God be with you all. 🙏
@winnieamar9368
Жыл бұрын
Radical acceptance is the hardest,but it's liberating! Takes a lot of strength and courage to do so.
@drewdrap946
3 ай бұрын
I'm sorry. Its been about 2 months since I found out what a narcissist is...I find out everyday that I'm more damaged than I thought the day before...I pray 🙏
@crankiemanx8423
Жыл бұрын
They dont care about the consequences of their actions towards anyone else unless it directly effects them.they will tell you that whatever happened was your own doing & choice.& That they were merely a victim in the whole situation & that it was your actions that caused problems. when realistically you were onky reacting trying to fix & balance out all the damage they were causing by their selfish behaviour.
@hopeinhumanity.
Жыл бұрын
Wish them a good life- that’s the best justice. Disentangle.
@lisamariesmith3610
Жыл бұрын
100%
@subhamjha6562
Жыл бұрын
@@hopeinhumanity.my aunt forced me into buying a laptop which i never wanted by saying "if you don't buy today only, then i will spend all money given to you by your grandfather on myself" . And when i asked later why she did this, she replied "i forced you? but you yourself asked your grandfather to buy you a laptop and you were very excited before going to shop" , but botch in the shop you forced me into buying without my liking
@melindanix7363
Жыл бұрын
Exactly.. from a narcissist cold blooded ,reptilian mouth : " its not my problem"
@melindanix7363
Жыл бұрын
@@hopeinhumanity. then from this day forward ,they are Not your problem.
@izawaniek2568
Жыл бұрын
Yes. I totally resonate with this. Spot on! It is an emotional rollercoaster but it is such a blessed place to finally arrive at. Healing takes time and we are getting better one step at a time and it is progressing. Thank you
@cheriatkinson2600
Жыл бұрын
How do you heal from it? I'm tired of the rollercoaster ride. I want off and be completely free from that hell.
@jacquelinefroehle3583
Жыл бұрын
Yes, exactly Danish. Thinking about the Narcissist will give a sick disgusting feeling and to have peace means everything
@leviwhite3553
Жыл бұрын
It comes in waves when you least expect it. Setting a boundary and enforcing it to normal people. Something as simple as saying no to others. It brings back all the anger. Anger at yourself for allowing this to happen.
@winnieamar9368
Жыл бұрын
Yes! I totally resonate with this. The dichotomy of the emotional states is driving me crazy. I continue to struggle every single darn day! I just want this to be over ,it's draining me of my energy.
@leahmerchant1475
Жыл бұрын
This gets better, albeit VERY SLOWLY, over time. I am 4 years out and completely detached now emotionally. I still have moments of anger and disgust but they are increasingly rare. Nothing can restore what he stole, and he will not be held accountable until eternity. May as well accept what won't change.
@elenhil5591
Жыл бұрын
Yes. Agree. Am also weirded out when I go through stints of feeling SORRY for him. Very treacherous territory.
@RKX_Errant
Жыл бұрын
This is very important to understand when healing. Great analogy and insight.
@DidiyogasalsastudioTM
Жыл бұрын
I totally resonate with this. It is exactly what happened today ❤
@Richard-vq7ud
Жыл бұрын
🎯 It amazes me how Danish puts what we are feeling into words. Let the healing begin.
@courtneyburk3163
Жыл бұрын
Goodness I resonated with everything he said. I’m beginning my healing journey and my emotions are everywhere.
@JoeL-nd1yl
Жыл бұрын
Exactly what im going through right now breaking free. I also feel betrayal
@tintina2753
Жыл бұрын
Wow this is so true 😢exactly where I am in my life right now as I’ve been away from the narcissist about 8 months now.
@angelakeely5859
Жыл бұрын
I'm the same, it starts to get easier I think✨💜✨
@tracyh1617
Жыл бұрын
Exactly. The rollercoaster of emotions and the grieving of letting go of what felt like true love and accepting it was all manipulation to get what he wanted from me. It’s like he stole my heart, and now it’s my biggest lesson that it is me I needed to trust and love. It’s been 8 months , courageously not responding to many hooks to save my own soul. I chose to believe I went through this all his deceit to give me the opportunity to learn not to live codependently in my life anymore and create a life to respect myself. And learn what to watch for.
@glarimo80
Жыл бұрын
Yes this is totally true. Going through this roller coaster now
@pepperjonesugoChristian
Жыл бұрын
Knowledge about this problem has helped me ride the emotional dynamics successfully.
@mvaug69
Жыл бұрын
The only time I feel unsettled and depressed is when narcs gaslight and boast about their popularity. I keep out of sight and show no reaction. I leave them guessing while I rest and heal. Narcs want to see us suffer. It's crazy behaviour and proves how sad they really are. Of course it's not wise to rise up against them because you end up in the game feeling a fool. Leave them guessing. Our life is none of their business any more. Our boundaries matter. Thank you so much for your videos. . ❤😂
@susanmeadows4680
Жыл бұрын
Yes 100%. Relief with a constant need for justice. I do feel violated. A Rollercoaster for sure.
@hyzenthlayleporidae2053
Жыл бұрын
Danish, you are simply the best at describing exactly what is happening in a very relatable way. Thank you! 🥰
@brendalentsch2335
Жыл бұрын
Yes sir, i call it trying to recover from the emotional gymnastics.. and or, the emotional jungle that you are running through, and just trying to survive!😂 Thank you Danish for all your videos. Greatly appreciate all the effort you put into them. They are very helpful and so relateable!
@r.wilder2086
Жыл бұрын
SO TRUE. thank you this is very freeing to hear you speak the truth.
@humanistology
Жыл бұрын
On-point as usual! Healing from this type of relationship is so exhausting but necessary!
@happyist3719
Жыл бұрын
All of that, but also the feeling of confusion for the love that you have of had for the person you thought they were. The feeling of being robbed of something so strong and good, even though majority of it was probably just lies.
@Earthoceanfire435
Жыл бұрын
We’re both in our late 40,s and he wasn’t good to his body so I just picture him in Depends. It makes me smile 😊.
@arlenematthews1794
Ай бұрын
Yes, this is exactly what I'm going through. I left in 2016 and still dealing with conflicting emotions and decisions. Learning to trust myself again...learning who is safe and who isn't. Learning friends really care about my safety
@Mrscheesecake1
Жыл бұрын
I’m so confused right now. Love and disgusted by him, miss and flourish without him, angry and indifferent to him and happy and depressed all the the emotions rolling around like a roller coaster. KZitem is helping a lot, it keeps me on the right path. Weird to write and acknowledge.
@emilyperez4537
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for helping me organize all my emotions 😂❤ that's exactly what I feel someone understanding it means so much
@brendastinnett4215
Жыл бұрын
I'm just so thankful to be free!❤
@proverbs2522
Жыл бұрын
I actually just want him to leave me and my children alone for the rest of his life. He won’t do that. I don’t want him to suffer, that is insanity and I’ve finally grown past that feeling. I just want him to go away.
@rosieE121
Жыл бұрын
Yes
@gulshanthukral
Жыл бұрын
Every word resonates. Thank you for such a simplified explanation.
@hannahmary_23
Жыл бұрын
💯 true. So many emotions to regulate. Can't describe.
@DidiyogasalsastudioTM
Жыл бұрын
I love when you say Let the healing begin 😂. It relaxes me. But they don’t want to heal ❤
@kittydflores7223
Жыл бұрын
Yes. I do resignate with this. In two thousand eighteen, when I first learned or started learning about narcissism, I actually questioned God as to why this man should be allowed to live. I believe he needed the death penalty so as not to hurt any other person again. I repented of that. The emotional roller coaster when finding this information out is crazy.
@SpiritualSparkle770
11 ай бұрын
They don’t even deserve my anger or resentment anymore. They’re nothing but empty vessels and should be disregarded just like an intrusive thought. They’re just thoughts and feelings, they can’t hurt me and don’t stick around
@marbiemarbie2021
Жыл бұрын
Yes i felt that way...too difficult to overcome. Trauma is like permanent as well as hatred...
@fluffytail6355
Жыл бұрын
Absolutely. Sometimes I don’t care. Sometimes I wish I’d see his name in the obituary.
@mizkaponi4853
Жыл бұрын
Yea...it's hard too. But I'm pushing through.
@bboundless6666
Жыл бұрын
thank you my friend. that’s hitting the nail on it’s head. it’s confusing at times, yet its good to be aware of this while as well keeping an eye on your surroundings and letting new people in after abuse as we then are vulnerable and an easy target for other narcs to come into your life. if possible taking time off for ourselves is so important to recognize the exact thing you are saying and getting back to yourself. thank you so much for your contribution🙏🙏
@sharonhorwitz7903
Жыл бұрын
Yes, yes, yes!!! Thank you for validating my emotional state….I’m sooo sick of it.
@lisacottrell5924
16 күн бұрын
Absolutely!! The need for justice is strong! Especially since he turned everyone against me! Yet, I'm glad I'm no longer with him!
@lillianzanabria6568
Жыл бұрын
Everything resonate with me
@coriechildofGod
Жыл бұрын
Omg yes!! I don’t know how I can feel so happy and grateful yet depressed
@niluferdarais2062
Жыл бұрын
Absolutely.....exactly how I feel right now.
@carmenbrown3437
Жыл бұрын
Happy to be free of them. Forever grateful.
@junecleaver4099
Жыл бұрын
So very accurate. You have put into words everything i have felt and still feel, although i think Im pretty much accepting of the fact that thete will be no justice or him accepting or acknowledging any consequences of his actions and that goes for his enabling parents too
@sevenkiran
Жыл бұрын
Bro this is beautiful! Sooo true going theuu this currently
@ToreyBeans
9 ай бұрын
Man that describes how I feel!! I have an amazing level of joy and peace, but then sometimes I also have acute moments of crying spells and anger regarding how I was treated
@jimcogar1840
Жыл бұрын
Yes! 💯 Totally resonate with all your points!✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️
@Lyrielonwind
10 ай бұрын
Yes. Going from fight and flight and then freeze 🥶 and fawn...numb.
@lisaritchie6868
9 ай бұрын
Yes!!! I’m dealing with this constant rollercoaster !! I feel like I NEED him to feel or know the pain he cause but I KNOW he will never ever know, understand or care to understand & I can’t wrap my brain around that.
@FoziaBibiMusic
Жыл бұрын
The abuse is absolutely draining. The narcissist are like leeches trying to feed of your energy and your good willed soul.
@thedahodge9120
Жыл бұрын
Bless YOU THANK YOU AMEN
@leticiamilo4387
Жыл бұрын
Thanks Danish!❤⚘
@betsysorrell1357
Жыл бұрын
This is so true. You are help to many people (I'm sure). Thank you for your help!
@thomasacevedo212
Жыл бұрын
Oh my god yes, I still feel this struggle from my ex the narcissist wife... mother of my two teen boys.
@TheBaminnick
11 ай бұрын
I’m there right now. I’m pretty disgusted by their behaviors. Everything you said resonates with me at my stage of recovery. I just want to get tf away from them right now. They have violated my boundaries over and over and I’m DONE. I’m about to as I say, get on the other side of the wall. Almost there, to never have to deal with these disgusting people ever again.
@mamapapamusic2244
Жыл бұрын
What a call out, yes, that's exactly it
@Ed-lian
Жыл бұрын
I entered the healing process. I feel conflict emotions. I can no longer distinguish friend from foe. I live in a partnership. The person helped me realize that my parents were oppressing me. But the person also has certain characteristics. For example controls everything I do, or keeps me away from a circle of friends. The person himself does not have a circle of friends. And I don't know is this relationship toxic now or not.
@kaytlinrainemusic
11 ай бұрын
YES 🙌 thank you for explaining this. Very much a real thing and so confusing to our loved ones watching us go through this, not understanding the push and pull of positive and negative emotions toward the narcissist and the situation. This is healing in itself. Thank you 🙏
@TG-cr6fb
Жыл бұрын
Exactly! I want justice!
@JoseeRobitaille-id9zy
Жыл бұрын
Yep I sure do. And boy will i ever be happy when this healing nightmare is over and never never never never again! Thank you for your video❤
@ra80493
3 ай бұрын
Yes. And I'm finding it hard to be at work around people with low vibration as my consciousness expanding bigger and larger. Now I understand how important to ground to be grounded and practice meditation, eating healthy and living healthy.
@KarolinaJ94
Жыл бұрын
Perfectly said. The weirdest feeling ever
@that1teacheragain190
Жыл бұрын
Yes. Court is tomorrow and I’m battling with myself
@tarapaudel5595
Жыл бұрын
Good luck 👍🙂 be strong. I believe that you will win your freedom. 💜💜💜💜💜💜❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@alexbradley5
Ай бұрын
This is exactly how I’m feeling
@juanitoloc9378
Жыл бұрын
Yes everyday it's crazy. At the same time I still want to be with her.
@nikenprihastanti5602
2 ай бұрын
Danish I’m amazed for what you describes what we feel into words - really. In all your video in fact! So Thank you!
@jainorr4915
11 ай бұрын
I like that you talk about joy and taking pleasure in small things ❤ that felt overwhelming ecstasy at just going to the grocery store and cooking my favorite foods ❤
@Angela-ni8mo
Жыл бұрын
Double-edged sword, for sure. You are spot on.
@MegaRose1958
Жыл бұрын
The best thing about being out of the relationship is having a Peace of Mind!! I stay alert bec. I still can't believe he felt he had a right to physically, emotionally and mentally abuse me.
@Star-j3m7e
Жыл бұрын
I def resonates. It makes me feel very bad to be living knowing that my parents and half of my siblings are narcicist and i still love them. They are a big part of my life and I'm trying to get away. It's very tormenting.
@shanellem6310
Жыл бұрын
Yep. Everything that was said. However, I also feel stuck. I know what I need to do to move on; but, feel stuck, like I can't move forward. Here's the kicker, I'm the one that left him and I've never went back. We've been separated for 10 months now. I guess I'm slowly healing.
@tracyh1617
Жыл бұрын
I understand your feeling of stuckness. I wrote a letter of all the lies, his deceit, the gaslighting and Mind games to remind myself why I chose to leave and stay no contact. It is hard. But I must learn to value myself, that’s how I got in the Narcs web in the first place. Don’t give up on yourself. I am turning this into the catalyst for my own maturity to take care of myself and define the boundaries I need to trust myself. No more minimizing and justifying men’s behaviour for crumbs of fantasy love.
@learningquranwithtajweed3421
Жыл бұрын
Its like you can read my mind my situation my emotional state which even i can t able to comprehend..
@sloeterhuus
Жыл бұрын
Danish your glasses are so in style trendy by now serving us the 2000s vibes 😍 i dont think youre vain but you truly rock those frameless 👓
@arhummujtaba4800
2 ай бұрын
More than 💯 percent agree.
@MarjaNieminen
Ай бұрын
And feeling sorry for them too.
@littlescorpion6327
Жыл бұрын
The gogo emotions are almost killing me. About a year before I fled, I was diagnosed with Adhd. I was 58. I'd been a prisoner of narcissists all my life. Literally from birth. Handed around to various relatives to suit my parents lifestyles. So I never attached. When with them( father worst), I would be confused and afraid because nothing was consistent. I ws so tightly controlled I married to please them. 3 times Each one an increasingly malignant narcissist. All I wanted was approval. For something. Anything. I have no feeling for my last husband. Nbut I do jave feeling for what he's doing to our uni ersitg aged daughter. He broke me and I had a nervous breakdown. He also broke my physical health. He pulled such pressure on me in the usual way, but also by piling responsibility for everything from bills to opening his mail. He wanted to be self employed. I resisted all the silly schemes and franchises he wanted to buy. They were either scams, ao just not viable. But I was accused of 'shooting him down'. He finally found a cleaning franchise with a good reputation and one of his friends recommended the company as his own franchise purchase had worked well. I was not keen but agreed to meet his friend. I asked to se the books, and he tried to say, this is my friend , that's not necessary. But I asked again. The laptop was duly presented with the accounts. It was impossible to make sense of. The end result didn't match the input. I said, 'this annual net profit isn't enough to live off'. You could have heard a pin drop. Je looked s his friend who returned the look. They knew the books weren't adding up. I waited. Then it comeuppance that I was looking again the 'official' accounts. I waited some more, and finally theater set of accounts appeared which showed a much greater net income. But even that didn't add up. If he was paying e en minimum wage to his staff, the friends business would yield less than minimum wage to the franchisee. I started to say say so and ask how they were making it work, because they were clearly financially comfortable. I was shut down and later torn to shreds about not trusting his close friend. I was buckling under the stress of protecting our daughter and I Ave in. I couldn't take another fight and be blamed for preventing him from progressing in life. For holding him back. His friend shafted us. The contracts did not pay well at all and he made his own business work by using immigrant staff and paying them half the minimum wage and a load of other violations of employment law. This was my fault of course. I had to deal with the law suut we had to lodge because we were miss sold the business. And it was nasty and hard and exhausting. I developed an abscess on my spi al cord. My immune system had collapsed under the emotional and physical stress. In hospital, he sent to my room , all the files for the business. The entire office in fact. So when I was supposed to be being protected from stress, he was piling it on. I later found he'd deli erately sabotaged some of the contracts and I'd defendendedhom tooth and nail. And I won. But only after that came the admission that he'd done these things. We managed to get a refund. But I saw no benefit from that. Covid came and the state payments to help disappeared. I was hospitalized for my back for about 5 months all told . It was that serious. I'm glad to be free. But he has just turned to our daughter for his supply and he is hurting her. He started a campaign of parental alienation which nearly killed me. I didn't let that succeed but she still doesn't trust me and sadly, I do t trust her either. Because she believed everything he said. Even though She DIRECTLY WITNESSED his mistreatment of me. Those memories have been changed. And now, the Internal conflict is now manifesting in real somatic illness.. So in a way, he continues to abuse me by Proxy. My yoga emotions are exhausting. The adhd is assaulting and the xptsd plays off the adhd and I'm often just completely lost. He lied to all of my friends behind my back, ditto my family. He even tried to convince my doctor that I was certifiable. I am recovering but it's slow because if his continuing influence on our daughter. I can't finish anything and get confused. I'm easily triggered to tears and despair which she doesn't understand. She won't allow me to send her I formation about adhd and cptsd. She is in denial. And it's killing me. My presence in her life is the only thing preventing him from absorbing her completely. I'm tired. And I find I am mistrustful of everyone now and I have no friends . How can I tell if they're really honest? I'm trying to be productive, I'm setting up a support group for adh students at the college I've just enrolled at. But I don't want to run it. I can't.im to damaged and not healed yet. But the group gas recieved approval and they've promptly put me in charge of the whole thing even though they are aware of my fragility and I've told them I can't take that pressure. But I'll do it because I need a support group and without me doing it there won't be a group and I will wash out. I'm just completely confused now. Lost. Happy away from him. But still tied because of our daughter. She's moving firther from us both as she progresses through university , which is right and proper. But each time she visits home and stays with her father and his family, she then comes to me carrying anger and anxiety which she blames on me. After a day or two that eases. But only if she stays with me for more than a couple of nights. This has been noted and this break she's found herself booked up with family occasions. All planned before she got home. They've blocked out her diary and she's not strong enough to say no.. He is suffering no consequences at all. Because he's still got access to our daughter, he's convinced his family I'm a liar,( even though they've known I was being mistreated for years because I asked for help), they gathered round him and parrot what ever he says. They are betraying our daughter all over again. This is the parental alienation. Her flatmate has expressed concern to me about her. So its not just me. But if I say anything, it will just reinforce what he's said about me being over controlling and unsafe and unreliable. I don't know what to do. It's been 18months and I'm still in huge emotional pain. I need surgery on my back (due to previously mentioned abcess), so I can't physically do things like put up pictures and decorative lights. Simple things. And normally the children would help out. But she doesn't. Not unless I directly ask and she's reluctant and resentful. And she's exhausted. I hope things get better soon because I've run out ofjuice. Nothing left.
@k.mcdaniel8378
10 ай бұрын
That is exaclty how i feel!
@whispersofwillowpixi
11 ай бұрын
Yes yes yes to all. Im 38, autistic, and am having a hard time because its my parents that im trying to detach from. I am feeling a since of freedo. And ease. Yet sometimes i feel like i gaild them or like i need to yell them how what they are saying and doing are mean and abusive. But in my heart i know they do not care to see any thing any body elses way. My father is the narcissist, but my mother has gone along so long that she is allowing herself to act and be just like her husband. She is to try to set him straight but now she just goes along. Money over morals i guess. I'm mad, sad, broken, and tired. I'm ready to just let go and feel some peace, but it's hard. I still obviously have love for them. 😢
@whispersofwillowpixi
11 ай бұрын
Sorry for the misspellings. Woke up feeling angry and sad. Tears of anger keep spilling out.
@josievaccaro
Жыл бұрын
Yes... the anger and the triggers
@ThereseP.
11 ай бұрын
Yes. That's how I feel.
@Livingg.Medicine
10 ай бұрын
Perfectly said ❤
@a.vhabeeba2278
Жыл бұрын
You are absolutely correct
@kedarnathpanda8724
Жыл бұрын
Yes u r absolutely 💯 right .
@Ishratjahan-md3pq
8 ай бұрын
Oh you really describe my current situation
@vinitham226
Жыл бұрын
Absolutely right 👍🏻▶️
@elsh332
11 ай бұрын
Yes. I went no contact months ago, around the same time I had a nervous breakdown, and was healing beautifully. I broke no contact so I could return him belongings to him and now I feel like I'm back at square one and I'm so mixed up. There's no closure and he discarded me once I returned his things... after mo the of lying to me in the relationship, telling me he'd "always choose the path that leads him back" to me.
@manalmk8048
Жыл бұрын
Nobody explains better than you ...👏👏👏
@suja7129
Жыл бұрын
YES Danish 100% TRUE Struggling
@michaelhenault1444
Жыл бұрын
Forgiveness is divine. The quality of mercy is not strained It dropeth as the gentle rain from heaven. It is twice blessed. It blessed he who giveth Merchant of Venice
@GNS_Waffles
11 ай бұрын
im glad i found your videos... i feel crazy
@jilldaher1046
Жыл бұрын
Yes so true after divorcing a narcissist who I had been married to for 24 yrs our children are completely controlled by him now they have become narcissist too.
@Irishgirlz
11 ай бұрын
Yes!!!! And I want off this roller coaster! But idk how to find balance
@vyshnavisuguru259
Жыл бұрын
While in the process of healing, whenever I see the narcissist with his other friends I get traumatic again. Because I became alone whereas he has his other female friends even after all the damage he caused to me. When will his other female friends get to know about this guy??!!!!
@suehailroman12
Жыл бұрын
Soon real soon !!!!💔💔💔💔
@angelakeely5859
Жыл бұрын
Totally I had several things going on when I walked away from the Narcissist, I felt a lot of Rage, anger, confusion, because I had a lot of different emotions coming up for me, I felt depressed and also I had no Identity or sense of self after being with him,it was a rollercoaster, also missed the dopamine hit they provide. All I do know is I would never want to go through that again.😏🚩🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
@PatRichardson-qk8ps
Жыл бұрын
Well said!!!
@sarvani11
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Yes... I feel the same..
@sleenaa2369
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I started therapy a couple months ago. I was having A LOT of internal conflict and was really struggling with my feelings towards my dad. I love my dad so much. But at the same time something inside of me does not want to be around him and i stress box and get really worked up anytime I’m going to be around him. It hurts my heart and plays on the guilt I’ve been conditioned to feel my whole life and messed with my head so badly it lead me to therapy. I wanted to work through my feelings and get over whatever it was that was bothering me because my dad is only getting older and i dont want to look back at this time and regret being so distant/ having such “harsh” feelings towards him (says my inner critic). Even typing this out doesnt feel good and brings tears to my eyes. My therapist was able to shed light on my childhood and turns out i was raised by a narcissist. I have been so up and down ever since and i feel even further from my dad then ever. I have been questioning myself, my feelings, my actions and how much of those things are actually me and how much is how I’ve been conditioned to be/ feel. It really hurts to realize you were a victim. I knew a lot of my childhood didn’t feel good and wasn’t right and brought me a lot of shame. Im now stuck in a place where I understand what i have been through has a name for it which is weirdly validating, but also feels so so lonely. I wish i had someone who gets it to talk to. The 1 hour a week with my therapist doesn’t seem to cut it. Knowing is half the battle, im dying for relief from the rest.
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