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@Alex-oy6ci
7 ай бұрын
This is really good quality. Thank you.
@glowingowl221
3 жыл бұрын
Never felt lonelier than while dating a dismissive avoidant
@joshuagharis9017
2 жыл бұрын
Engaged to one now who's also an abstaining alcoholic...tell me about it. Feels like I'm the only one who wants to open up
@helenachase78
2 жыл бұрын
@@joshuagharis9017 get out and save yourself
@lotusvibration
2 жыл бұрын
I am married to one and have been for almost 3 years . Please get out now and save yourself.
@sala320
2 жыл бұрын
How do you differentiate fearful vs dismissive
@salemu9559
2 жыл бұрын
FA are emotionally connected & can easily b vulnerable
@khanf7085
4 жыл бұрын
Problem is when expressing needs, it's taken as criticism.
@mistygordon8766
4 жыл бұрын
That is so true
@wharnisbet
4 жыл бұрын
SSSSOOOOOO damn true!
@simoneamelia202
4 жыл бұрын
A lot like narcissism
@clv603
3 жыл бұрын
How you communicate your needs has a lot to do with how they are received--this goes for any attachment type. For example, you're upset because you woke up in the morning to find your DA partner fell asleep on the couch. 1) Why'd you sleep on the couch? -There's no emotion attached to the question, the DA will more than likely simply answer it with a benign justification. DA won't know that you're upset about it. DA won't know it bothers you. The fact that the DA will remain unaware of the emotion you feel behind it because you didn't communicate it will probably upset you and annoy you further. You'll think the DA is cold and uncaring for not passing this obvious "test." This issue remains unresolved, and will likely come up again sooner or later. Don't do this. 2) I don't like that you slept on the couch last night. Normal people in relationships sleep in the same bed together. -Again, no emotion attached to the statement, but a lot of judgement and criticism is. You just told someone they aren't normal. Even if you're upset, this isn't how you communicate to someone you love. The DA will likely respond defensively, and may retaliate or try to justify their behavior. This will undoubtedly start an argument. You gain nothing because the DA isn't aware of how you really feel, the DA just hears you criticizing them. To be fair, that is what you're doing. Again, this issue remains unresolved, and will likely come up again. Don't do this. 3) Hey, it's probably nothing... but I'm a little upset you didn't come to bed last night and sleep next to me. It makes me feel afraid you don't want to be close to me or you're upset with me. I feel happy and safe when we sleep together. -Excellent way to communicate your needs and emotions. Even to the DA, he/she should know that this event isn't about them and they aren't being attacked. They realize although they didn't mean to make you emotionally distressed, you've given them a clear message how to rectify it. This will likely lead to a discussion with a positive outcome and the problem should be resolved. If it happens again, be upset because you have the right to be. Your boundary was clearly defined and you made it clear how it affects you. *If the person responds combatively/negatively to 3), you should probably leave. They don't respect you, and likely has nothing to do with attachment type. That is toxic.
@Rustycat69
3 жыл бұрын
@@clv603 this is a great example of good communication and how I used it and how I was later disrespected because my partner did not like being questioned
@AmandaMG6
4 жыл бұрын
If you’re codependent, get help. If you’re dismissive-avoidant, get help. You’re not to blame for your issues, but you’re responsible for your own recovery.
@Anime_kitten
3 жыл бұрын
I will put up boundaries now. however i am who i am
@StephJ0seph
3 жыл бұрын
oof
@GotoMaki4Micah
3 жыл бұрын
people love to say if you love them stay with them and help and work with them. you are not the professional help that they need. family members as well as the partner will be happy to tell you that you failed them if they have so many issues that work against the relationship that you need to leave. so many in the comments seem to have a one sided relationship with a manipulative withholding selfish asshole. they dont see it because he was probably nice at first just to reel them in.
@werlkj567
3 жыл бұрын
@@GotoMaki4Micah I see what you're saying about people doing this. They reel you in with lots of attention up front and want affection, but very quickly they don't reciprocate. They don't know how to love. They tend to lie. Tend to have issues with substances. Tend to use unkind words. They are lonely and have issues but aren't actively working on their issues and emotional well-being. They see having a partner is the goal in life... they don't understand that caring for him or herself and others is the goal. They don't know how to love. They only understand life in a superficial way.
@JoseRodriguez-pn8yj
3 жыл бұрын
@@Anime_kitten You mean walls. 😕
@ipaycloseattention
3 ай бұрын
Here's a relationship with DA in a nutshell: shower them with love and attention and "resources", while expecting none of it back. Let them do whatever they want, whenever they want, but make sure to stay at their beck and call when they're ready for time with you. And again, I can't stress this enough, expect no reciprocation.
@michellebobier-groves7821
Ай бұрын
Perfect explanation of my relationship with my ex who is a non-aware DA!
@nicholeb2746
21 күн бұрын
Yeah, this is just unacceptable behavior
@KOLESvisuals
12 күн бұрын
That sounds mean and selfish AF... There is that point where you are oblivious of your actions... But once you know better, do better. If you're here, you should know better now.
@pynklady11
4 жыл бұрын
Honestly as a recovering dismissive-avoidant to the point of isolation the most freeing thing one can do is learn self-acceptance and genuinely learn to trust yourself. That normally doesn't happen until you have done some form of shadow work and identify triggers. I avoided love because honestly, I didn't feel safe or secure in my partners but I also was suffering from low self-worth. In actuality your reality is simply a mirage it's a reflection of YOU. Once you begin to actually heal and release to give yourself the permission to be vulnerable again and feel emotions because you have those boundaries it's easier to rebuild a connection with others again. It is DEFINITELY not easy and it takes time you will forever be unpacking trauma and triggers but once you begin the change and peace is noticeable. This is my TED talk lol my apologies for the dissertation.
@georgina1170
4 жыл бұрын
just know I loved your TED talk lmao I’m currently embarking on that journey and even though I’m just starting, I can see what you mean with how peaceful it feels 🙏🏼🤍
@connieb1667
4 жыл бұрын
Hey, no need to apologize - I really appreciate your comment. It sounds like a new beginning for you, and I wish you all the best in your journey. I am curious as to what or how you got started, as the DA in my life was saying he doesn't know how/where to start "letting it in". I am not sure what he means (and yes, I will ask him) but if anyone can offer any tips I can pass them along.
@ImaniAaliyahh
4 жыл бұрын
Omg thank you for your comment. I’m dismissive avoidant and now I’m working on self healing and I started doing shadow work today. I also deal with anxiety so this is an ugly battle, I never understood how people try to paint healing like the process is pretty when in reality it’s not. I’m just grateful for me taking steps to make myself a better person
@shaneloudermilk3410
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you x3. I don't know what else to say.
@hopewasham2326
3 жыл бұрын
@@connieb1667 I reccomend Lee and Sherry Patterson. They founded Relationships Reinvented. You can check them out on KZitem. Enjoy!
@johnnycassell4338
Жыл бұрын
The idea that these are the things they want while they crap on you and repeatedly abandon you is beyond unimaginable...
@Oceansta
10 ай бұрын
Amen 🙏🏽
@Zeverinsen
9 ай бұрын
*Just go then.* It's better to leave the situation than to stay and become bitter.
@johnnycassell4338
9 ай бұрын
@@Zeverinsen solid advice. I left a long time ago. Life is so much better without a cold wet dysfunctional blanket laying on you .
@Litthrudarkness
8 ай бұрын
I wonder if you were dealing with a narcissist. We all are on the spectrum. I think DA's and narcissists have similar qualities
@HowardDee
7 ай бұрын
@@Litthrudarkness similar. but entirely different also - Narcs are out to hurt you to get supply - Avoidants are not, they just want to protect their autonomy and independence.
@agent_exodus
3 жыл бұрын
It’s amazing how much criticism and cruelty they can dish out and yet... even when sugar coated, can’t take even the slightest amount of being held accountable.
@marcd2743
2 жыл бұрын
They can't take any responsibility for their actions.
@jameshighfill4432
2 жыл бұрын
My ex is horrible and I wasted time with her while she "leary had 40 plus years to work on herself and be amazing. What a mind fuck seeing these people and knowing that they only have to do a few small things to be amazing. And they don't or cannot.
@agent_exodus
2 жыл бұрын
@@jameshighfill4432 I know the feeling… And I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s not easy.. Far from it…
@cornwallismorgan874
2 жыл бұрын
Yep. Covert narcissism at its finest.
@MM-ql5ji
2 жыл бұрын
Very true
@richardbicycle5262
3 жыл бұрын
as a DA who has been working their ass off in therapy for years, this is 100% true. My inner circle consists exclusively of people with a HIGH degree of patience lol. The people in my life who stuck with me long enough to crack through the defensive shell to the gooey center understand I'm very sensitive, and would do anything for them out of gratitude for their understanding.
@melissabeingmelissa
Жыл бұрын
👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼 good luck with your journey to secure healthy attachment. Proud of you for putting the time and work in.
@LJdawk
Жыл бұрын
This gives me hope
@felixtownn
Жыл бұрын
I relate to this completely. The people in my circle have are very patient and know about my devotion to them.
@lizb4156
Жыл бұрын
Why years? Slow learner.
@richardbicycle5262
Жыл бұрын
aw bless your little NPC brain@@lizb4156
@melj3476
4 жыл бұрын
I am a dismissive avoidant. I grew up with a narcissistic father and a dependant mother. As you can probably imagine there was a lot of emotional abuse and also neglect. Also whenever I showed emotions I was shamed as too sensitive or hysterical. Self-soothing is one of my main coping mechanisms. I´m actually really sensitive and emotional, but sometimes dealing with emotionally charged situations can be unbearable- even physically sickening. To get along with us it is important to not be too accusatory or impulsive, accept our boundaries and be careful with harsh criticism. Extreme clinginess makes us want to run. Don´t try to force us to open up, be dependable, take us seriously and be vocal about your needs. Emotional expression and care don´t come naturally to us. I´m already on my healing journey and I´d say I´m quite self-aware. Also I scored only about 50 percent on dismissive avoidant attachment. I have very emotionally close friendships where we trust each other unconditionally. Unfortunately I don´t think that´s possible for every dismissive avoidant, though. My father probably has the same attachment style, but is dealing with it in much unhealthier ways. What I´m trying to say is of course your partner has to make an effort too. If someone is not willing or able, to meet you halfway, you have every right to move on with your life and find a partner who really appreciates you. Please value yourself enough to walk away if necessary.
@smilinazzdoggy825
3 жыл бұрын
A beautiful person
@Bossy999
3 жыл бұрын
I really liked what you said. I found it to be very accurate. How did you stop the unhealthy behaviors?
@melj3476
3 жыл бұрын
@@Bossy999 Sorry that I took some time to get back to you. I had to think about how to answer your question. It is not an easy or quick answer and I´m not pretending, that I don´t have any toxic traits. The thing is, that I always try to be mindful and reflect on my behaviour. I think that is key. Of course therapy helped. Learning about my fathers disorder and accepting him as a flawed individual was important. It helped me not to take all the emotional abuse and rejection as personal as before. That was really important, because I was able to let go of a lot of shame and guilt by doing that. It helped me to build healthy self-worth. I surround myself with empathic people, whom I trust enough, to talk about my past, but of course that´s not always an option. Work is a good example. When people are too pushy or emotional I tend to shut down, avoid them and (if possible) burn bridges. I´m not pretending, that I´m a completely normal, healthy person ^^. I don´t know if I can ever be. The important thing is: I know what emotional pain feels like and my biggest goal in life is to become a better person than my father and less blind and in denial than my mother. It was important for me to come out of hiding and to give the world a chance, as I was isolating myself a lot. My thought as a child was : If the people who are supposed to love you the most can be that cruel to you, how cruel must the people, who aren´t even related to you, be? I think many dismissive avoidants make the mistake to think: Everyones so flawed and is going to disappoint me anyways. That´s a very arrogant perspective (But it is also self-protection. Oftentimes we were let down and disappointed a lot in the past). It is hard, but opening up and giving someone the chance to prove me wrong was important, too. Everyone is flawed, but there are lovable, respectable people out there. I think that´s a lesson many dismissive avoidants should take to heart. It is easy to arrogantly stay in your own bubble and pretend that everyone is stupid and emotional and clingy and unreliable and impulsive etc.. Seeing that oneself can appear very cold, reserved, wary, arrogant and distant is another thing. My journey is not over. I have a lot to work on and a lot to learn, but I am positive that with openness, self-compassion, empathy and mindfulness, it is possible to live a live without being cruel to other people. But of course it helps if others are mindful, too. Talking rationally and calmly, being understanding instead ouf accusatory and giving me/us avoidants space, when I/we need it, is really helpful ^^. Of course the causes for the insecure attachment are distinct for every person. In the end I think it is most important that the person is self-aware and has the desire to be good :) I really hope that answers your question :)
@programmersurfdude
3 жыл бұрын
This really resonates with me, I feel the same way
@austinnguyen9107
3 жыл бұрын
That's awesome to hear you're aware of your tramas and your behavior. I read that DA's that really want to have healthy relationships and will put in the work to be secure, it's only a matter of time. Hope you don't give up!
@ninaz2120
5 жыл бұрын
My experience with them is that they don't believe it when you validate them either.
@slydakota8143
4 жыл бұрын
Nina Zomorod : true but it’s all about consistency. If you get fed up right away and lash out, any building up you’ve done is ruined.
@lau.tizzir
4 жыл бұрын
Depends on if what you are saying is something generic or something unique in that individual. This is just a silly example, but to get my point across, if someone says "I love the color of your eyes" a dismissive may think "Yeah sure, you probably don't know the color and tell the same thing to everyone when you want something". Instead, say something like, "I really like your green eyes and the way you close them when you laugh". The person in question will believe that and will feel seen. The same applies for work, chores, personality traits, etc.
@agent00chimp
4 жыл бұрын
My recent ex was like this. She was constantly at a loss for words anytime I gave her even a simple small compliment. It was awkward for me. She had no clue how to just say thank you without being odd or even how to reciprocate on a basic level...I assumed low self-esteem? It wasn't fun or comfortable for me to compliment them or be super vulnerable or genuine with them bc of how she acted. She had a lot of male friends contacting her during our relationship too and there was a male best friend...I suspected she was promiscuous too and a bit codependent...Thoughts anyone?
@vessicagames147
4 жыл бұрын
@@agent00chimp So I'm a female and I have a lot of male friends. It just happened that way. I think it has to be how I was raised with my mother really far away and spent a lot of my childhood just with my brother so I just understand the humor better. It's not an active choice to seek out these male friends. Some of my closest friends are male. I've recently gotten into a relationship and wow. I suck at intimacy. Your ex kinda sounds like me. I was able to build up the confidence to tell him I like him a few days ago but when he complimented me, I became speechless and couldn't reciprocate on the same level. It all has to do with childhood issues. I don't have low self-esteem, I think highly of myself as a person. But I do believe because of how I was raised, I am fearful that this person that loves me might leave me. The more compliments, the more positive things said, the more intense my fears of abandonment get. Especially since he is an avoidant personality type. There was a relationship I was in before where I took so long to even say things like you're my boyfriend or flirt with them on the same level. But they were so forward and eventually I was able to reach a higher level of intimacy with them. It took time, though, but there's other ways I showed my love. Making gifts, planning stuff, etc.. If you approach the subject delicately, then they will be a lot more willing to change once they understand.
@lizp2512
4 жыл бұрын
Laura Palka there is such a powerful shift in this change in messaging. Wow - THANK YOU!!!
@connieb1667
4 жыл бұрын
So, to sum up: a DA partner wants to be understood, accepted and validated. Well, who doesn't? The difference, in my experience, is that a DA will not reciprocate, even when you do try to be clear about your needs, even when you ask repeatedly, over many years. They will still default to deactivating and distancing strategies, push you away and leave you feeling as though nothing you can or will ever do will ever be good enough or quite right. Give them space and they will want (demand) even more the next time. I think the phrase " give them an inch and they will take a mile" was probably invented for DAs. It is always all about them and what they want and "need". They want to be understood and for you to intuit their needs. But they won't do the same for you - because they " are not responsible for" you. They will likely call you " needy" while being completely (and probably willfully) unaware that they have huge "neediness" around what their "space, autonomy and independence". We all want those things to varying degrees, but to a DA it is more like an addiction. And what is an addiction but a way of numbing emotions. Basically you are never so alone as when in a relationship with a DA because what you are looking for - a sense of connection - is not likely to be either valued by or cultivated by them. However, they might try to find that connection elsewhere, in a situation or person they find " safer", which is why they are more likely to have secret opposite sex "friendships" and flirtations. It seems to me that you have to be willing to let a DA partner control the degree and amount of connection in the relationship, however that leaves you in a constant state of feeling/being "one-down" , which is not a very life affirming way of living. Reciprocity and interdependence are likely to be in short supply in a DA's repertoire, leaving you, the non DA partner, giving so much more than you ever get back.
@nvh682
4 жыл бұрын
This is a beautiful and true description!!!
@Nadia-os2lu
4 жыл бұрын
Wow. This is an incredibly accurate description of my experience with someone who is DA. A lot of highs and lows because she'd be sweet, open up and things would be wonderful: but only during the rare moments it suited her. The rest of the time she was aloof, would usually flake, and left me feeling confused and drained. I always tried to see things from her perspective, always put effort to see/understand her and it kept me in an anxious cycle for a while. The moment I finally stood up for my needs and set boundaries by saying I felt my time wasn't being respected, she dipped. I was disappointed but also relieved. While she has a lot of great qualities, her attachment style did not allow for compromise and clearly I had put in more care and energy.
@priya_jha
4 жыл бұрын
Yeah well every bit of it is true. It feels like they navigate the relationship their way while completely ignoring your needs. Do they enjoy doing this? I feel it's so inhuman and dark
@americusdeville865
4 жыл бұрын
The only thing you are giving is another journal entry. Give a man the space he needs and play your position as a supportive role, or become an expired feminist gone solo with some pets. That's the scoop. No man wants a masculine women or someone who has no discipline to play her role. That's the direct truth for you.
@cn4941
4 жыл бұрын
Excellent. And the irony is they will accuse you of not reciprocating. These are the worst communicators on the planet because they will tell everyone else what they need from you, except you. Save yourself!!!
@miss.ahsheya
5 жыл бұрын
I definitely am the dismissive avoidant type and I want to work on connecting with people in a better way.
@roshalllambert
5 жыл бұрын
That is really good that you are planning to work on it. I have this attachment style but I am still v hesitant to work on it even after knowing about it a lot and how can secure attachment help me. I used to think that it would be difficult to convince an Avoidant attachment style to change but I am glad to know ur willing to do so
@CaToRi-
5 жыл бұрын
Lawrence Tierney - maybe not everybody deserves the effort but maybe there are important and special people in her life who will benefit of a better relationship
@SuzanneAtwood
5 жыл бұрын
@@roshalllambert 4
@lyndeeakadupsy
5 жыл бұрын
It's all about self-awareness and if you have a desire to work on it then go for it..... who you are is enough!
@MansSuperPower
5 жыл бұрын
Omg, amen!! Thank you. 🙏🏿
@mujdahakime2345
Жыл бұрын
As a recovering DA who avoided relationships, I think long lasting change has to come from within, so a DA who understands their own patterns and is willing to take the risks of behaving differently - facing and challenging their own fears. I have read how much people suffer from dating or being with a DA in the comments and my heart goes out to them. DA's are defensive, irritable or angry when they are triggered which usually starts a cycle of defensiveness with no room for empathy. Basically don't date a DA who is not already on a journey to self-awareness and actively healing and changing their behavior. Some people never start their journey so don't gamble with your time.
@dangfd551
Жыл бұрын
Wow, well said! I absolutely agree with you about long lasting change coming from within. Beautiful!
@stephanieminkus-john5032
10 ай бұрын
How did you figure out in the first place that you're a DA? What I'm wondering is: if you told a DA what you think their attachment style is (I'm a FA & my partner is a DA and guess who's going to therapy 😂... and we're on the brink of splitting up cause he's deactivating after the last row), would they take it kindly, start reading up on that or think you're downright cookie? I mean if someone had told me I'm an FA before I knew, I'd be googling it.
@baobypixar5841
8 ай бұрын
It’s a disorder. Absolutely no one should bend the knee to DAs because they are abusive and neglectful by nature. Would never dream of being with another one unless they did a 180
@PandoraJonesmodel
8 ай бұрын
Yes, and what DAs don't seem to understand when dealing with Secures, is that we have very firm boundaries. We know what we need and we don't settle for anything less. I personally need openness, honesty, transparency, and consistency. Basic respect. Those things seemed too difficult for my DA ex to give me, and I love myself more.
@Cheryl9675
7 ай бұрын
I'm experiencing this. It breaks my heart that DA's have such a struggle. It breaks my heart for their partners
@redfullmoon
2 жыл бұрын
There was a study done on the brains of neglected or rejected children from an orphanage in Romania who were never given physical touch or care. How some of the adult orphans behave now basically reflect the behavior of Dismissive Avoidants who were traumatized as children. In short, anyone who has ever dated a DA, especially a non-self aware one who is not interested in healing their core wounds, is dealing with a grown-up who in a way has somewhat of a developmental incapacity to be functional in intimate relationships. Unless you're willing to be this person's caregiver or teacher, this really is not worth the pain.
@andiikaa88
3 жыл бұрын
I tried all of these with my ex, nothing worked. No matter how hard I tried. I’m anxious preoccupied. I started healing my wounds a couple years ago, I got rid of most of my anxious behaviour, but to handle a dismissive avoidant, it still wasn’t enough. I don’t want to give and give all the time, and get nothing in return, it draines me. So the best option for me is to heal, and never ever get involved again with this type of person.
@Neis757
Жыл бұрын
Exactly
@ansr3538
3 ай бұрын
💯
@tomv44
4 ай бұрын
I think what really phucks you being with a DA are those extremely rare moments when they let go of themselves and can truly be happy due to a circumstance that you provide and you can see all their vulnerability, need for love and affection and you just see that broken child who was neglected and finally receives the love they deserve. And you get hooked on this like an addict, thinking that you are healing them and you want to provide more for them. As a secure attacher, it really is something that gets to you in a way nobody else could. But they wouldn't process this the same way as you do, and when breakup comes they won't remember any of this, unless enough time passes by and no one else provides moments like this. It's hard, almost impossible. You want to love them, nurture them, you sacrifice your own happiness and waste years of your life. Please don't do this, you only get to live once, you deserve to be with someone who at least tries to meet you halfway.
@terroristeoverdoz
4 ай бұрын
oh wow it's like talking about my experience, yes I have done many thing not according to what a DA wants, but how about my intention, why they did not think about 'ok she is so needy but she want me the best' .... No I did not being appreciate for this.
@aselyne5631
2 ай бұрын
Mine just literally prevents himself from laughing and being happy I just don't get it
@cruiseny26
4 жыл бұрын
So just give give give, be super supportive to them, accept them unconditionally, don't ask them for anything or bring up any concerns, give them sex when they want to, compromise your needs to them... sounds exhausting! Not a great formula for a reciprocal relationship.
@tyrijoyner749
3 жыл бұрын
Omg this is EXACTLY how I felt. I’m so thankful I learned about attachment styles...left him a couple of weeks later because I ant carry him and me with no way to fill up my tank. Why should anyone have to do that???
@SmartStart24
3 жыл бұрын
Basically 😂 I can’t do it anymore, no matter how well they cuddle or how “good” they can be for 48 hours
@sal2975
3 жыл бұрын
That's why the anxious attachment styles usually go for avoidant attachment people.
@JoseRodriguez-pn8yj
3 жыл бұрын
It is exhausting 😞 it was draining me 😞
@nicolefuehrer4852
3 жыл бұрын
It’s getting too much. We knew each other a year and finally we have a “relationship” but she never wants to spend time with me in person. She only wants to FaceTime… I can’t keep this up it’s wearing me down. She was great for a week and now it’s back to where it was. 3 steps forward 2 steps back…
@kalifornia4745
2 жыл бұрын
I have to tell you, I tried to communicate my needs in the calmest of ways and they were never once met with anything but defensiveness and anger and then, of course, stonewalling. I met their needs constantly. It was very rarely reciprocated. I rarely asked for anything because if I did, it was met with utter contempt and called selfish for daring to ask for anything. I also validated my DA CONSTANTLY - it never mattered because when I asked for a need I had, it was met with anger and total shut down. They definitely took non-criticism as criticism and an attack. I can feel this way too at times, so that one I get, but wow. I have never left a relationship so sad and confused. I really wish I had seen this video while I was in the relationship. However, they also have to admit that they aren’t giving to the relationship and my DA refused to admit it.
@PandoraJonesmodel
8 ай бұрын
They have to recognize a problem in order to solve it. Unfortunately many of their behaviors come from a subconscious core wound they're not even aware of. They do these things automatically. It's not premeditated like it is with malignant narcissists.
@chrissysnowmusic799
3 ай бұрын
@@PandoraJonesmodelyes. They both have to want the connection.
@indyd9322
Жыл бұрын
If you're an AP or a secure with a DA partner, please save yourself while you still can. Their withdrawal from you only gets worse the longer you're in a relationship. The more intimacy you're supposed to have, the stronger their avoidance. Reaching relationship milestones is like pulling teeth with them.
@danilolima1679
10 ай бұрын
I lived through this situation with my ex-girlfriend. I am secure and had some knowledge about attachment styles, so I knew what to do to make her feel comfortable in the relationship and thus be able to develop. As time passed, she became more and more closed off, and I ended up becoming an anxious guy in the relationship, putting aside my needs so that she could see me, and that's where I lost myself. She rarely talked about the future, only mentioned a few times that she wanted me in her future but couldn't plan anything because she wasn't capable of it. A week before the breakup, she presented some ideas because she was going to move to another state due to her profession. A few weeks later, she called me to talk and said it was better for us to break up because she couldn't give me what I deserved. She said I was a "perfect boyfriend," but she couldn't be with me. This conversation destroyed me like never before, and I said some things about her unhealthy behavior, and she said, "I know I'm a terrible person" and "I like the way I behave." That broke my heart! One day after the breakup, I felt like garbage because she posted on social media having fun as if absolutely nothing had happened. I think I can tell you that I experienced depression. Anyway, it was a difficult few months with a lot of therapy and self-discovery. I never contacted her or got back with her because, despite not being well, I still knew my worth. I have a lot of empathy and want to see her well and happy! But I am not capable of being in a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style. My friends, people with an avoidant attachment style deserve all love and empathy, BUT when it comes to a relationship, only engage with them if they are willing to heal their traumas, okay?
@simonthewatchguy6073
8 ай бұрын
I can attest to this. Sorry DA people but I highly recommend no one dates a DA. it's psychological torture for the partner.
@DeborahJoshua24
8 ай бұрын
Yep. And now that I no longer care… no anger, no hurt, no love… total absence of emotions toward him… he’s more interested in me. What a waste of time this game has been!
@indyd9322
8 ай бұрын
@DeborahJoshua24 They remind me of bratty cats who are disinterested and hiss when you try to pet them, then are affectionate and all up in your business when you ignore them and are trying to do something else! 😂
@SandraWade666
8 ай бұрын
Done it. And my ex even knew he was avoidant. Still couldn't do what I needed which was consistency and keeping his word
@miss.ahsheya
5 жыл бұрын
I'm a social worker and have recently learned about the adult version of attachment theory and found this quite enlightening.
@jenniferh.7219
4 жыл бұрын
What is the adult version of attachment Theory or what are some things you read or available online about it? I randomly come across some things that mention some people have secure attachment behaviors but and I know that other people can be insecure or avoidant. I guess I'd like to explore more of this or find out if there's other literature about adult attachment
@lynniegravelyn2387
4 жыл бұрын
Been in therapy for my entire adult life, never mentioned once
@smilinazzdoggy825
3 жыл бұрын
HelloltsAshia what specifically stood out to you?
@misskaistar
3 жыл бұрын
HI Thais, how do you be in a relationship with a DA, when they are having sex with different partners all the time
@Prudenthermit
3 жыл бұрын
Really surprised that it isn't part of the education for social work in general
@31Alden
4 жыл бұрын
Bottom line: I don’t have the time, inclination, or desire to spend another minute walking on eggshells for the DA I was involved with who resides in a constant state of distrust/mistrust, paranoia, skepticism, etc. It took awhile, but it finally dawned on me that nothing - and no one (myself included) - will fit his fantasy paradigm with respect to what constitutes a fully functional, reciprocal relationship. Too many childhood/relationship demons in his wheelhouse that I had to hear about chapter and verse with rapt attention that are insurmountable. Master of mixed messages ... just enough contact to keep me in the loop, but basically unavailable - unless I initiated contact. Testing me ... testing my consistency, etc. I did not handle this well and elected to move on.
@oscarwilliamson1264
4 жыл бұрын
Rhubarb 68, Really!
@antinea21
4 жыл бұрын
you did the right thing for you
@kimngandong
4 жыл бұрын
Sorry you had to endure him. I used to deal with a DA man and that was a horrible experience it has made me resent men and relationship in general. DA men are a no-no, until they have healed their wounds, every woman must stay away from them. As a DA woman, we are more straight-forward and know how to give on some level.
@ongomjuliusmartin23
3 жыл бұрын
Sorry for your experience Rhubarb. I am a DA young man who just dicovered this DA stuff today. It's true that DA guys really have a lot of baggagge from past experiences and that this makes connecting with them hard. It is also true that they find it hard to reciprocate affection and intimacy. Despite this, I believe that DA men do not all have the same past hurts/past experiences and this means that their emotional detachment is based on all sorts of different things. Although all those past things hurt, some are more of an impediment than others, and DA men with certain types of hurts may be easily reclaimed than those with other types of hurts e.g DA men who are haunted by past hurts from their ubringing and family life may be easier to reclaim by a partner who can gain the trust of the DA by patiently and skilfully showing support, understanding, validation and solidarity to the DA on the matter. As long as situations that reignite memories of the past hurts/people are avoided then all would go well. e.g DA partners should not insist on topics about the DA's relatives/upbringing if it is clearly shown to make the DA discomforted. Siding with the DA's hurtful relations/or contact with them against his will or knowledge may also be situations to be avoided. Otherwise, DA's with hurting from past ocurrences in their upbringing are not entirely lost since their first conflict is not with their partner, but rather, it's with their relations. If a partner can show a resolve to stand with the DA on a healing process and sever all mention of and ties with people from the DA's troubled past, then it is only love given and time to heal and learn that is left. On the other hand, there is the DA whose past hurting is not a matter of past hurts in ubringing only, but also coupled with disastrous dating/romantic relationships in the past. This case is more of an uphill task because the DA's partner will be a constant representation of the former partners who dissappointed the DA. And the DA will look at the partner as just another potential repetition of past hurts. Note that in this case the threat of vulnerability to the DA is direct since it was former partners who left haunting hurts in the DA and this was also now 'just another partner'.Whereas in the first case the threat of vulnerability is not so direct, since it was the family/relations who left hurts on the DA during ubringing. In the both cases the partner would have to be patient anf tactful in reclaiming the DA, but any partner would find it easier dealing with a DA with merely family upbringing issues than dealing with a DA with the additional issue of a disastrous past romantic life. I for one being DA have noticed that I am detached in my current relationship. But as long as topics on my family and upbringing are avoided or treaded on tactfully I am rather comfortable and fairly more indulgent with my partner. I feel that I am not yet ready to share freely with her on such matters since the r'ship is just springing.. and I need time. to assess and get to know and trust her before I can engage more freely with her. I have also been accustomed to having 'just my own time' and doing 'just my own things' but she has been an eyeopener to some aspects of my life I didnt take notice of. And although she has had her complaints about some of this, I am slowly learning how to compromise with this new state of affairs and she has since stopped acting too clingy and gives me some more time, she even admits that she could have been too clingy considering am a DA. Anyways, DA men could be tough, but there's hope if u really love the man and if you know what you are doing. DA men dont do what they do intentionally, but rather, coz of some subconcious mindset. It may be a long and bumpy road but it isn't as impossible as it seems.
@smilinazzdoggy825
3 жыл бұрын
Sounds like a random,anonymous creep from the internet
@LizG117
4 жыл бұрын
The problem with this type is that they will literally offer you nothing while expecting normal love and care in return. LMAO. never again.
@sal2975
3 жыл бұрын
Have you consistently expressed your needs clearly or had them read between the lines? Lol
@jadint1793
3 жыл бұрын
Yeah mine was the same with me. It was very interesting
@austinnguyen9107
3 жыл бұрын
They dismissed me needs and also proceeded to withdraw, and expected me to still endure the emotional neglect
@edwelndiobel1567
2 жыл бұрын
Hmm Im curious, what could they have done or what should they not have done to prevent this discord?
@melinafraser7403
2 жыл бұрын
So true
@yuchichen6251
4 жыл бұрын
This is very accurate. I am a dismissive avoidant person, and I find consistency/predictability and being understood are so important for a relationship to work with me. However, it is also important for a DA person to have the awareness to actively correct and improve their cognitive behaviour.
@lolaweed7467
Жыл бұрын
Consistency/predictability and being seen understood are important for both people involved. I never felt heard or emotionally safe with my DA unfortunately
@anirvankm
2 жыл бұрын
From my own experience as well as from reading the comments, it feels really depressing being a DA type as well as being the partner of one. My previous relationship imploded because of the lack of understanding of the dynamics and the needs of my DA style. Yes, it can be true that I didn't show emotional attachment the way one would normally expect. It wasn't like I was trying to hide it. I just honestly didn't know how. But, as a counter to that, I was/am always willing to do other things to show that I care. I will maybe buy you a plushie or cook you a meal or give you a back massage or rub your feet or find funny memes/videos to send you or maybe squeeze your hand tight. It's not always verbal, but there are definitely non-verbal ways that a DA can communicate. I hope this helps couples. For the non DA partners, maybe just sit down with your DA partner and give them the option of showing affection through specific non verbal means rather than verbal ones. Could just be actions like that or can even be something like having a common phrase that you can use so that they do the thing you want them to do (like code chocolate: person gets you hot coco, a blanket, puts on fav movie, and cuddles you while stroking your hair and telling you everything good about you). Please be patient. We are damaged, not bad.
@LowJack
2 жыл бұрын
Finally a thoughtful and respectful comment.
@jenster29
Жыл бұрын
And when you've done that ? And they admit the issue and STILL do it...and years and years of it ? My mouth is physically tired of saying the same words 😂 so I just stopped and no there's nothing being said by anyone
@marinaschulz3183
9 ай бұрын
Lol, if I ever did that with my DA he would absolutely never in a million years have done anything like that for me. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me to ask because I know I would have been shut down. I asked him one thing, over out 7 year relationship: that he please please pretty please learn my language (we come from two different countries). It was literally a condition of getting back together after a big fight, after my dad died and he was completely absent for me and said some honestly almost sociopathic things I don't feel comfortable sharing. Somehow I took him back. He said he would "look into it" for years, no matter how much I asked or explained why this was important to me (I wanted him to learn show interest in my culture, to have an easier time around my friends, to show he cared). Towards the end, he even sounded sparky or angry whenever we would talk about it, and either blame shift to me whenever I got mad about it - I was annoying, I didn't believe in him, I didn't remind him, anything but actually do it. Outside of the language thing, things were good. Five years had passed since we last broke up so I thought things were good. We broke up (he broke up with me) recently because I wanted to move in together, after years of long distance and commuting several times a month. He gave the bullshitish reason. When he came to give me my stuff I asked him about why he never learnt my language for me, after he promised, after it was CONDITIONAL to us getting back together all those years ago. His reason? "It was never important to him, and he didnt care that it was for me". I can't put in words how FUCKING ANGRY I am. And its not that he can't afford it or that he's incapable. He speaks 4 languages and makes bank in finance. He is just a fucking awful human being who doesn't deserve to be loved at all.
@KeiyaHood
9 ай бұрын
That was so sweet
@Zeverinsen
9 ай бұрын
@@jenster29 Then you leave, instead of growing bitter towards thousands of people who have never done a single thing to you. It is completely possible to be a good or bad match or good/bad partner, regardless of your attachment style.
@susanandersen8814
4 жыл бұрын
They are selfish people. Their needs and pleasures come first, yours second. It is draining, actually, to have to tiptoe around these people so that they "hopefully" connect with you at some point or give you a few extra breadcrumbs of attention. I'm only speaking from experience, even after trying different tactics to placate their avoidant behavior with the hopes they come closer. They usually don't. And, they typically don't feel they should work on their issues of avoidance. To me, they suck the life and energy out of you all the while doing their own thing for themselves.
@KayWeezy
4 жыл бұрын
Susan, I'm sorry you feel that way. As a DA male, I get it but please don't think it's done on purpose. I guarantee most DAs don't know what they are doing or even why they are doing it. I know I didn't and upon realizing it, I feel extremely horrible. It has led to so much growth and improvement. The DA just needs to become aware of what's going on AND want to change. That last part is the most important.
@yAxeln
4 жыл бұрын
As an DA, im just curious, is it normal to find other peoples happiness more important than your own happiness? We only live one life, and why would we live for someone else? When I'm in a relationships it is because it makes me happy, and I would assume a relationship is a mutually beneficial arrangement, as why would someone stay in a relationship if it doesnt contribute to their happiness? Sorry if it sounds stupid, but to me idea of putting other peoples needs in front of your own seems irrational. (I understand certain professions such as military/emergency services involves assuming risk of personal harm, but these people do these jobs voluntarily and as such it would bring them happiness.)
@susanandersen8814
4 жыл бұрын
@@yAxeln Ok, well your approach is your approach. I don't believe I said you should put someone else's needs in front of your own. I'm saying to take consideration of your partner. In my own experience, knowing avoidants is like being on a one-way street. They make decisions for themselves and their own pleasures before considering their partner. No offense, but the "me" or "all about me and my pleasure" mentality drains the life out of others because they could care less if their actions affect anyone else. They just care about themselves. And then, to top it off, we have to tiptoe around moods of selfishness. Not thanks. But, hey, whatever works for you, go for it.
@mrhaunted4831
7 ай бұрын
💯💯💯
@SmallBobby
7 ай бұрын
@@yAxeln The picture you paint convinces me that that all DAs should date other DAs only.
@Rustycat69
3 жыл бұрын
I was in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant who wasn't aware that he was and became very defensive when I asked for my needs to be met or understood. He always made me feel that there was something wrong with me for wanting reassurance or creating boundaries because he didn't have many with other people in his life. He only had boundaries with me. It got to the point of being abusive and he would project his insecurities onto me and often made me question my sanity. For a long time I couldn't believe that he had one rule for me and another for everyone else. Any attempts by me to try and get him to open up about anything in a safe environment with me were met with stone walling... And my attempts at being open and vulnerable were thrown back at me... Dismissive avoidants can be very hurtful.
@austinnguyen9107
3 жыл бұрын
I think a bit more than hurtful, we as the partner have to go to therapy after being with a DA so it's definitely a traumatic experience. There are 3 insecure attachments styles but it makes me wonder where toxic relationships come from. I'm pretty sure being with a true DA is the defintion of toxic relationship
@Rustycat69
3 жыл бұрын
@@austinnguyen9107 I agree with you. There's something quite abusive about with holding love or affection from your partner....i believe it's a choice they make
@Rustycat69
2 жыл бұрын
@Flagirl1985 yes same story. My ex had been on his own for 7 years before me
@marcd2743
2 жыл бұрын
Yeah, they will totally mind f you.
@airbound7407
Жыл бұрын
Exact thing with me and my ex. Practically identical. They self sabotage. We can’t help people who can’t help themselves.
@jerrykelso4123
5 жыл бұрын
I'm dismissive-avoidant but I get very irritated when people ask me to express myself too much. I just feel like they are trying to figure me out. Does anyone else tend to feel that way? Sometimes there just isn't much going on that I want to talk about.
@incogb6696
5 жыл бұрын
Yuppp. Do you usually get labeled 'mysterious' as well?
@roshalllambert
5 жыл бұрын
Yes exactly it is uncomfortable to express myself and someone forcing it is quite annoying
@Janna_Ash
5 жыл бұрын
It’s irritating to be pressed, but it’s also annoying for the other party as well lol.
@MsMesem
5 жыл бұрын
There isn't much going on? Man, do you live under a rock or something?
@jerrykelso4123
5 жыл бұрын
@@incogb6696 Yes. People have also referred to me as aloof as well.
@juliekeeney1538
4 жыл бұрын
I get he needs safety, but so do I and I can't get it from him. I fear being ghosted by him specifically, and that's what he does to me all the time.
@ladennayoung2939
4 жыл бұрын
Bless your heart. I pray that things are better for you now.
@DZ-no9vt
4 жыл бұрын
Yes mine does the ghosting over and over. It's been 4 weeks this time, I am trying to just let go after a year and a half.
@hashtagmate
4 жыл бұрын
Ok listen i am also a dismissive avoidant type and i would never do that, some things aren't excusable just because you are da i sometimes "disappear" for 12 hours or maybe at most a day but i would never disappear for weeks or forever... that's human decency
@americusdeville865
4 жыл бұрын
Give a man his space. 1. Maintain peace in his environment 2. Cooperate with his program 3. Learn to please him Then you might have a shot. I wouldn't bet any money on it.
@KatieLesnick
4 жыл бұрын
My DA ghosted me
@jurate2376
4 жыл бұрын
Idk, I met such a guy recently, even though I liked him, I don't wanna spend time making him feel safe and supported while getting only sex in return. This personality thing is his thing and he should deal with it like I am dealing with my issues to be able to be a nice and safe partner. I want different kind of exchange. So I had to let him go.
@smilinazzdoggy825
4 жыл бұрын
You did the right thing
@sselfless
4 жыл бұрын
If you had supported his need to feel safe and supported he may have opened up and given more than just sex.
@jurate2376
4 жыл бұрын
@@sselfless may have is nothing to me. Cause it actually was what it was right then. I accepted not being able to change people and letting them be while choosing those who actually have something to offer.
@sselfless
4 жыл бұрын
Jūratė that actually sounds like a better plan tbh
@corneisharatcliffe8053
3 жыл бұрын
He must be a Gemini
@ams3666
2 жыл бұрын
Here's what blows my mind.....their audacity. They want to feel that YOU are predictable, safe, supportive, accepting, caring.....and in return, they offer little to NONE of these things to a partner. I will NEVER get involved with one of these types again. They will destroy you mind/body/spirit and blame you for it. I'm secure....but put me with one of these and now I have trauma, CPTSD and an anxious attachment injury. After the disgustingly painful, narcissistic 'relationship' I was suckered into with one of them, I don't even want to date anymore. 2 years later and I still can't. Good times. I listened and empathized with him and his never-ending childhood trauma stories, endless 'poor me' victim scripts, constant push-pull blame games, broken promises, all talk/poor action, non-reciprocal trainwreck b.s. for 4 years and it was just more of the same and worse. I don't recommend dating an avoidant. Let them figure themselves out and learn how to actually SHOW UP in a relatioship instead of ruining the lives of people who try to love them.
@Bevanslane620
2 жыл бұрын
Dont let this relationship define you. You will meet someone who you are compatible with. Dont take their actions personally it has nothing to do with you and you never caused their attachment issues.
@Greenwitch_Garden
2 ай бұрын
This person you were with sounds like a narcissist. Sorry you went through that.
@JJL_GINGA
5 жыл бұрын
Holy shit this is 200% accurate towards my relationship... Acording to this, I've been frustrating the hell out of my girlfriend... Thank you for this video, now I am how to handle our conversations so much better
@sandyfustin7253
4 жыл бұрын
John Lavell me too I was not looking for this.. but it is my husband to a T always knew there were issues and I know his history very well and I have been making it worse... finally I know him ... married 42 years known him since I was 14....
@zebamomin7875
5 ай бұрын
Are you still with her?
@JJL_GINGA
5 ай бұрын
@zebamomin7875 no, that was years ago. I've matured and found a new love
@Mrs.T305
3 жыл бұрын
These ppl shave some nerve requesting consistency and support when they are not like that with their anxiously attached partners. Do they realise how much pain they cause their anxiously attached partner when they ghost them
@sal2975
3 жыл бұрын
From what I know, they never request for anything. They avoid.
@marioct130
7 ай бұрын
They cause pain to any partner, even secure ones. Unless they are aware of their dismissive traits, are working on their issues, and WANT to be in a healthy relationship, a relationship is not possible. The other person has to do the emotional work.
@dr.bonscott3962
7 ай бұрын
So basically if your with a DA, you should give & give & give but never expect the same in return. At most, the verbal communication might change slightly (still surface level) jut those words won't match their actions.
@simonthewatchguy6073
5 ай бұрын
Exactly why you should never ever ever date a DA
@reyr.7439
3 жыл бұрын
In other words: When dating a DA person, expect to be there for them whenever THEY want and expect nothing in return. 99% of the time they will be breadcrumbing you.
@NeqMed
3 жыл бұрын
And that is a painful, existence. Just got done with 30 years. We will always be (something), bc we have kids. But best word I can say is breadcrumbs, and anguish. Finding the 1% on the floor. Just to say: My health is returning now.
@austinnguyen9107
3 жыл бұрын
@@NeqMed 30 years wow, that is a traumatic experience on its own, forget about childhood traumas
@NeqMed
3 жыл бұрын
@@austinnguyen9107 so true. That is Albert Einstein‘s definition of insanity. Doing the same thing repeatedly, and expecting a different result.
@brookeherchelroth9373
2 жыл бұрын
And if you kindly address something that hurts you- it’s bye. No words just block for a month and then pop up again 🤪
@Harsha-D311
2 жыл бұрын
@@brookeherchelroth9373 you have a da girlfriend She will never express anything Leave her alone
@alexinej272
5 жыл бұрын
This is really good. Thank you. A lot of videos tend to demonize avoidant behaviour, this really humanizes it and gives practical advice to work with.
@JooJoo14336
5 жыл бұрын
They should rightfully be demonised. They're too selfish to look at others' needs and only think of theirs. Why should their partners bend over backwards to accommodate them? It's their responsibility to seek psychiatric help or end up alone.
@alexinej272
5 жыл бұрын
Do you also feel that way about people with anxious attachment? Or when someone isn’t good for you, yet you cling to them out of fear of abandonment instead of walking away, do you want someone to understand why you’re doing it and find practical solutions to ease your anxiety? We all have issues. One person fixing themselves in a relationship isn’t enough. Just because someone’s behaviour hurts you doesn’t mean you can’t take time to understand it. You don’t have to stay around it and you absolutely should set boundaries or walk away. If you can’t then it’s time to look at yourself.
@alexinej272
5 жыл бұрын
P.s said as someone who realized that demonizing wasn’t getting me anywhere or easing my pain, and finally swallowing the bitter pill of needing to focus on healing myself.
@JooJoo14336
5 жыл бұрын
Both types are unhealthy. However, anxious attachment people, in my experience, are less selfish and more considerate towards others. Avoidant attachment types are very self-centred and expect others to be understanding, to be supportive, without offering the same or even to a close extent. This is why I dislike them so much on a whole.
@JooJoo14336
5 жыл бұрын
@@alexinej272 No worries. Sorry my earlier reply ended up being addressed to myself instead of you. I've experienced stuff with both. And based on my experiences, 1 set is a lot more self-centred and arrogant. So as someone who is abit more balanced per se, I'd rather deal with someone who has anxious attachment versus avoidant attachment issues, 100% of the time. In fact, I make an effort to avoid those who're avoidant attachment, because my return on investment, emotionally speaking, is just not worth it.
@tapsy_tapsy
5 жыл бұрын
I can't believe that I'm admitting this but I cried listening to this video because it's so true. I've learned a lot and you said things that I want to say to people which I never know how to articulate. Sometimes, when I try to explain, I realize that I'm getting emotional and stop because it's weird being so vulnerable in front of someone else. Like, what are they supposed to do with all my feelings? I constantly feel like I have to teach myself how to be okay with just myself. I pray that I learn to love in a different way.
@pugs861
4 жыл бұрын
You will
@priya_jha
4 жыл бұрын
Yeah I'm living with a person like she explained in the video. And I love him. And I'm not hopeless.
@americusdeville865
4 жыл бұрын
Develop your logical self, and cut back on the emotions, and you can relate better to men.
@priya_jha
4 жыл бұрын
@@americusdeville865 Hahah yeah thanks for the advice. I'll try it sometime.
@nabazakir9231
4 жыл бұрын
Esther Gomwalk , I am a DA too and I know where you're coming from. It's really difficult for me to open up to anyone, heck, even if I want to tell my mother that I need shampoo, I wait a few days rehearsing how I should tell her that. From what I've read in the comments so far is that DAs never open up and never cater to your needs, I think that differs from person to person because I usually put others before me but when I've had enough I try to cater to my own needs more but I do stuff for the other person anyway and this is mostly the case with my family but I do have some great friends and I open up to them quite easily but that is only after four years of friendship. But I don't open up much to my family (sometimes I do open up to my uncle but that rarely ever happens). What I'm trying to say is that people who are DA think it's every man for himself and take time to open up and if you just give them a chance, they can be very nice people. We have been neglected and hurt like this one time, my mother said that my introverted nature is wrong and I was in the same room and it really hurt. Just don't judge a book by its cover and give the DA some time and space.
@lindajeanschaffers3673
4 жыл бұрын
Brilliant presentation. I fit into this and it has taken me 70 years of living to find out. Please go out to schools to talk to kids . It will give them valuable tools for a healthier life. Thank you.
@oscarwilliamson1264
4 жыл бұрын
Linda Jean Schaff,you look gorgeous 🌹 🌹🌷 🌷🥀🌷🌺🌹 🌹🌺
@nadasabbagh6273
2 жыл бұрын
I started dating a DA and she really, really got in deep with me in her head. She was full on from the beginning. But once we started getting intimate, she started backing off and ended up rattling the moments I let her down. It was very strange. She felt so incredibly abandoned by me even before we actually met. When we had a discussion about whether we should continue dating, she had held a grudge against those few times and interpreted them as something so incredibly critical to her wellbeing, when in actual fact her trauma had amplified her feelings of abandonment. She was so painful triggered but this, but even moreso, ended up extremely angry at me when I decided that I could not date her. It is fine and well for the DA's to have thier needs met but they need to be self aware. If they are not then they will simply rationalise everything and demand that you follow thier lead. That's not a relationship. That's nothing at all. And that's a dealbreaker for me.
@happythoughts505
5 жыл бұрын
OMG SPOT ON!!! except when you ask in a relationship, they can make you feel needy & insecure, when to me its normal.....they dont see our needs... or dont want to deal with it.....yet so giving & charismatic, but you really need emotion & love in a relationship not material things.........CONNECTION!!!!!! how can you teach them this in yr 50's when they seem so set in their ways?...They want all of this, yet not understand our/my needs...great video thankyou again 💜
@dustinquinton
Жыл бұрын
If I ever sense a dismissive avoidant in the future, I will run away as fast as I can. I will never try to work with or understand an individual like that. Honestly, it scares me emotionally. That was the loneliest I have ever felt in my life.
@Walklikeaduck111
3 жыл бұрын
DAs seem to think that others have to support them and look after their own needs... Without asking much from thr DA. Its really one way nurturing. Sometimes they can be available to you but its so inconsistent and random that its pointless.
@sanamsitaram7940
3 жыл бұрын
Yes. FA's/anxious people will be the ones watching videos trying to find out how to support them and their needs HOPING they might be able to give us a miniscule amount of what we need. They almost never will.
@jarrodknight4698
3 жыл бұрын
@@sanamsitaram7940 yep. Bc what we need, is for you to not expect constant attention to feel loved. And see that we don't do the trivial daily I love you reminders. Bc I mean what I say and say what I mean. If I day at any point that I love you, then know that I love you until I tell you I dont. And this is the biggest problem between the too styles. Ones need is constant attention and reminders that the other one loves them. And the others need is to not have to do that. So until both partners understand how thier brain works and understands perspectives, it's impossible.
@SmallBobby
7 ай бұрын
@@jarrodknight4698 only date DAs! Problem solved.
@redbonescorpio79
Жыл бұрын
I am new to attachment theory and 100 percent a DA. This video is speaking life into me. It’s everything I feel and deal with on a daily basis. Thank you for helping us find clarity. Now it’s time for me to do the work.
@ruggedlifejewelry
4 жыл бұрын
They hear all meaningful confrontations interpreted as personal criticism so it seems impossible to have a conversation. They are hypersensitive and then shut down or become violent.
@wesley6442
3 жыл бұрын
Yes! it's to the point that with me and her it's emotional neglect I am speaking to a husk of a person. It isn't their fault, but it's a result of their past trauma. I can't do it anymore it isn't healthy or normal behavior
@sal2975
3 жыл бұрын
Lol, whoa. Violent?
@aSummerSarahndipity
3 жыл бұрын
So you pressured them and forced them into a corner lol
@austinnguyen9107
3 жыл бұрын
Neutral things are perceived as criticism. I've tried the "I feel... when you..." with lots of positive reinforcement to balance, still perceives it as criticism. And they expect us to have emotional control even when we're being abused and neglected. Lose-Lose situation
@er6730
5 жыл бұрын
Thanks for this clear explanation. My husband is exactly like this, and I have struggled to make sense of the combination of the sincere helpfulness and love he shows mixed with robot-like behaviour and selfishness. It happens, not often, but often enough, that I say something, just to chat, and suddenly he lobs back an angry response, ready to argue. I've found it incredibly confusing and hurtful how, from my perspective, he's swinging between funny and friendly to defensive and aggressive, but he always explains how he took what I said as criticism. I'm learning how to have a thicker skin, and at the same time trying not to "criticise". But it does come out of nowhere at times. Married over 10 years before I started to put up my feeling shield and let his bad mood slide off me without affecting my mood. It's better this way. He was absolutely amazing when our children were born, helping me with pain management, etc, so I could have home births. It was amazing, he was a superstar! I was asking for exactly what I wanted without"being polite" and he stepped up and did everything gladly. When I had a miscarriage and he was totally unsupportive, I see that I didn't clearly ask for anything specific. Then I was angry about how he acted/disappeared and told him so, and he disappeared even more. I've come to the conclusion that I can't rely on him for support, UNLESS I know what I need and ask for it. It's more work than I expected, but it's good for my personal development, since knowing what I want and asking for it is difficult for me. This was an insightful video, thank you.
@SK-no2pp
5 жыл бұрын
I really sympathize with you. I don’t know how you’ve gone 10 years. I have someone I truly and deeply love. I’m so frustrated, and he shuts down a lot.
@BioRosODM
4 жыл бұрын
You described exactly how my relationship is. He also has demonstrated me that he can be the most supportive person, but now I know it is in a more pragmatic way. Learn how to identify your specific needs and decide then whether you need to ask him. It's also good for you, as it will help you to know yourself better and make priorities in your feelings.
@CristianaCatólica
4 жыл бұрын
AMEN... TOTALLY AGREE WITH U.. WE CAN GROW ALONG WITH OUR AVOIDANT PARTNERS.. AS LONG AS WE HAVE THE TOOLS TO DO IT AND GOD TO REMIND US THAT EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE
@SMOKE_EARTH
4 жыл бұрын
You all don't forget to pray to your higher power to open your partners heart and mind & always set intentions in your mind about what you are trying to manifest in your relationships & watch it manifest
@sushisam3010
11 ай бұрын
@@SK-no2ppCan you tell us what happened to you? Any news after 4 years? What did you decide?
@goldestmean
5 жыл бұрын
My dismissive-avoidant partner forces me to read between the lines. It's terrible.
@francasparano3540
5 жыл бұрын
I can relate
@SimplisticallyDigital
5 жыл бұрын
goldestmean Wow! I hadn’t connected it in this way. Very insightful!
@SR77736
4 жыл бұрын
Yeah they will but we have to know what we want.
@blackroserevolution3989
4 жыл бұрын
They're probably fearful avoidant, dismissive avoidants are shit at reading between the lines
@salmam6184
4 жыл бұрын
It means that we should understand the meaning that is hidden or implied rather than explicitly stated
@MindfulAttraction2.0
4 жыл бұрын
Took your quiz and i'm avoidant dismissive 😭
@omg....5240
4 жыл бұрын
Why is that sad ? Dont be ashamed about it, you will be ok 🤗
@juliaangelina1984
4 жыл бұрын
this is obvious from your advice my man
@osml2.0
4 жыл бұрын
I couldn’t tell from watching your videos
@osml2.0
4 жыл бұрын
Mindful Attraction 2.0 I use to be more dismissive avoidant, over a long time became secure from meeting more secures. Never had I ever experienced a dismissive avoidant in my life until my current s.o. Omg would have never learned to be secure if I had known what dismissive avoidant was. My feelings would have been saved from hurt if I had stayed dismissive avoidant with another dismissive avoidant. It can be very painful.
@fiftyfiftylifestyle456
4 жыл бұрын
Dude. I've know this for years about you. 😁
@leighgarrett285
Жыл бұрын
This was fantastic, it was like you lived his life with him, wow, I understand so much more, even though I was already loving him with empathy.
@SA-mj3uv
2 жыл бұрын
We go through many hoops to understand DAs but eventually, I feel that we get nothing but pain for it. Take this for an example : You slowly and faithfully work with them in opening up. They open up. Then, they ghost you out of the blue. You are left reeling with so much pain and anxiety bc you were convinced that it was working - he or she was opening up. It is always a few steps forward and a hundred steps back with them to ground zero, all over again, like some maddening cycle. What I find "confusing" in what you're saying is this : The DA wants you to be direct with them in what you want but when you do become direct, they run and ghost. So how does this work?
@annajung1234
2 жыл бұрын
"The DA wants you to be direct with them in what you want but when you do become direct, they run and ghost." 3 points here. First of all, you're stating it as an axiom, as if you know all the DAs, and their response to someone being direct is always "run and ghost." That obviously cannot be true. Secondly, the tone and words you choose to be direct and express your wants matter. As the video explains, DAs are oversensitive to criticism and easily offended. And their response to criticism and offence can easily be giving up on a relationship altogether. Thirdly, maybe the DAs who did run and ghost after you expressed your needs directly simply understood that they cannot ever meet those needs and that you won't work as a couple. Thus, they saved you both some time and pain by leaving.
@veronicalagor4771
10 ай бұрын
@@annajung1234Quite frankly if someone can't revisit the conversation after a criticism (or at least self aware this is a pattern they have), they shouldn't be in serious relationships anyway. It's a form of stonewalling, and it unfairly shuts down two-way communication.
@nico3641
4 жыл бұрын
As we are all “responsible for meeting our own needs” I sincerely wonder what is the point of having a romantic relationship? I’ve struggled understanding this.
@blackroserevolution3989
4 жыл бұрын
Yeah that's kind of how we feel cause we can feel really intense feelings of attraction for other people and care about them immensely but no, there really isn't much of a point in putting yourself into some kind of ideal "commited relationship" when we can feel love without all that
@andrewraslan5348
3 жыл бұрын
Because the difference between a self-assured and mature person, and a needy and immature one, is that the mature and self-assured person doesn't *need* people, romantically or otherwise, we just like them. The needy and immature person doesn't have the skills to deal with their own emotions, so they use their relationships as a means to "outsource" the effort of dealing with feelings.
@drshohinidas4051
3 жыл бұрын
@@andrewraslan5348 I am sorry I disagree with you strongly. Being needy is not immatured. Every person, every human has needs. Some people have needs for space,some have needs for communication and closeness. So yeah. Being needy is not immatured. And being " I don't care about anyone else " isn't matured
@andrewraslan5348
3 жыл бұрын
@@drshohinidas4051 You can care about other people without being needy and high-maintenance. The principle difference between a child and an adult is a sense of: - Social responsibility (including not dumping the responsibility for your emotional processes on others); - Self-sufficiency (a child is helplessly dependent on its caregivers - an able-bodied adult is very much not).
@robinjayne9556
5 жыл бұрын
This was the best thing I have seen about the avoidant. Thank you!
@sashanoel8766
5 жыл бұрын
Whoa...this is so me. OMG. I didn’t know there was a whole attachment style label for how I am...
@sheysounds9398
5 жыл бұрын
This is very helpful! I wish I had this information when I was dating my ex. I was so angry at him because he was so distant and detached except in the bedroom. However, he expected so much from me. Whenever I question him about it, he would respond empathically. But he would do another insensitive thing. Over time, our conversations were more like teardowns and criticisms not because I think he was a bad guy. But I sincerely wanted us to work out but I felt the resistance. He was more focused on his own self-preservation and peace of mind. I cannot say that we would have worked out. But I could have made a more informed decision on whether I would be able to love him properly and bow out sooner than I did.
@bmj7957
5 жыл бұрын
Honestly, it is best that you are out of the relationship with him. Life is way to short to invest it in a relationally selfish and lazy partner. I've been married to a dismissive avoidant wife for nearly 17 years and for many years it was a life draining experience.
@MsMesem
5 жыл бұрын
Yes, but it really is not easy to get them to recognise and accept your needs. They want to negate them and put their needs first so you really don't get much of a look in. I've recently met someone and feel like I'm walking in a mine field, they cut me off for weeks and then said I was getting too attached but the problem was theirs, not mine. Their fear and anger expressed before cutting me off was difficult to experience.
@sheysounds9398
5 жыл бұрын
Halcyon I can totally relate. I’m still recovering from that. The things he said to me prior to disconnecting permanently was so mean, cruel and insensitive. When I confronted him, he would justify his actions by regurgitating a minor offense I committed years ago. From that moment, I couldn’t say anything In defense. Any word I spoke from my lips was responded with hostility and anger. This (from his perspective) gave him the right to hurt me and not apologize. To this day, I have not heard from him which makes me sad. However, I agree that they do this to push you away.
@MsMesem
5 жыл бұрын
@@sheysounds9398 Thanks for your input. The focus on sex thing is a big feature. I'm wondering to pass this video and other info on as I'm not sure he is aware of the identifiable 'profile' he has. He says "I have to protect myself" which is pretty sad to hear and has mentioned a few times about respecting his space. I'm scared showing my interest like this will scare him off! He is not nasty.
@sheysounds9398
5 жыл бұрын
Halcyon I would be careful with that. I’ve thought about that also, thinking the video might help enlighten him. However change occurs when the person feels ready. I believe that from my ex’s perspective he don’t think there’s anything wrong with him. If I send him that video, he might respond aggressively than positively. At this point, if I chose to send him anything, it would be in hopes that he will become the man I know he can be which is irrelevant. He is a good guy underneath it all. What hurts is that he works so hard to push away someone who loves him and hold on to those who he has superficial relations with. Smh
@cicichambers3887
4 жыл бұрын
How can we be predictable or safe when they act like narcissists and shut us out?
@priya_jha
4 жыл бұрын
yeah it's difficult to be their safety net. Sometimes things feels so emotionally abusive
@XRemARx
4 жыл бұрын
Priya Jha honestly just dump them its not your problem girl. Know your worth. This is something that can only be fixed in therapy.
@Ninsidhe
4 жыл бұрын
Kiahran Adams So in your estimation how long *should* someone suffer deeply in relationship with an individual who is so terrified of themselves that they prefer to pretend their partner doesn’t actually exist and certainly has no rights to their own needs, wants and desires? Spending a lifetime with a DA that doesn’t want to change is an absolute recipe for a lifetime of loneliness unless you’re also a DA, but from what I understand DA’s don’t get together because they can’t feed off each other.
@cicichambers3887
4 жыл бұрын
Kiahran Adams x has a point, not everyone is not only equipped, but stronger than the avoidant. Take a mix of reasoning, patience, and irritating the efff out of them. Because if you provide happiness, but punish just as severely for bad behavior they can be trained to respect your right to be treated well.
@Ninsidhe
4 жыл бұрын
@@cicichambers3887 which reeks of utter manipulation and behaviour modification to me, not relationship- interestingly, narcs work under the same parameters, punish and bomb. That's not something I'm personally interested in.
@CatloafCreative
4 жыл бұрын
My partner and I are both on the avoidant side of the attachment spectrum and we both agree the thing we like most about our relationship is predictably and safety. What also helps is a solid foundation of trust. We've been friends 20 years and have dated the past five. When every we do get around to addressing conflict (which we both hate) we are able to endure the still very painful and awkward process a lot more easily because we can count on that consistancy. Great vid, very affirming.
@jayefrankfurt5762
5 жыл бұрын
The content you delivered in this video is unparallel. Thank you for being clear and well spoken.
@rawans744
4 жыл бұрын
I wish I came across this video two weeks ago during my problems with my avoidant bf🥺. I learned alot, but sadly I cant take it anymore 🥺 and at this point I just need to leave him .
@Orisiya
4 жыл бұрын
You are not alone. I wish you a lot of courage and closure. Going through the same thing right now
@pugs861
4 жыл бұрын
I am going through the same thing too
@williamjlusk7940
2 ай бұрын
I've been on a roller-coaster with a DA for 2 years now - she backed out of two engagements, and I'm left holding 35K worth of meaningless wedding bands and engagement rings. She would just as soon 'dissolve into the clouds' than communicate on any adult level, and would always come back and say that I am her 'only love ever'. They are manipulating and miserable, never again! I feel fortunate to be out of it! And they think they're the best partner ever - thank God I achieved a modicum of sanity!
@compassandradio6261
4 жыл бұрын
Dismissive avoidant types can be great friends, but just friends. Trying to have a romantic relationship with them is impossible.
@jamesbuchananbarness
4 жыл бұрын
as a dismissive avoidant, this is true. i honestly enjoy romantic relationships bc i don’t like opening up
@sparrowhawk5673
4 жыл бұрын
@@jamesbuchananbarness so just in it for the sex then?
@cavelleardiel
4 жыл бұрын
@@sparrowhawk5673 Sex is probably a way in which they connect. Probably the only way.
@sparrowhawk5673
4 жыл бұрын
@@cavelleardiel more like sex is a way for them to use as a tool for the other not to leave. Them being dismissive and scared the other is unsatisfied that they reduce themselves to a low point by lowering their standards and self-respect. When instead they could be talking it out and finally expressing themselves of what is going on in side of them. Sex doesn't resolve the problem it only delays it.😔
@cavelleardiel
4 жыл бұрын
@@sparrowhawk5673 Of course. I dated someone that I now see as a dismissive. I thought he was not a nice person but over the years (we still keep in contact). I have seen how this has been his way to connect.
@s_e_w_p_h_i_e
4 жыл бұрын
DA’s don’t want to manage anyone else’s needs and are the first to label their partner as needy but ironically it’s their particular set of needs that control the entire relationship. FA’s and AP’s always come off as the most ‘needy’ of the attachment styles but I would argue that the DA reigns supreme in the neediness department.
@bluestevenson2407
2 жыл бұрын
This is such a good comment
@TadYoelLeBlanc
Жыл бұрын
I thought FA was the worst because of why the style is developed. Neglect and abuse. I'm an FA. I hate it. I can see your point though. Never thought about it that way.
@handy77
10 ай бұрын
Because you’re changing the definition of neediness from what most people understand it to be? We don’t get insecure and need someone else to fix that. We just want space and time to ourselves. That’s not needy in the classic sense of the word.
@darkgiggler
Ай бұрын
@@handy77 I understand @s_e_w_p_h_i_e, he's saying DA/FA's are the most neediest/uncompromising of their needs/ideals of their ideal partner in their hearts, but don't express them outwardly because they have to maintain that facade that "I don't need anyone to meet my needs", whereas, the AP's neediness are worn on their sleeves (because they are more ok with showing vulnerability), so they are easily perceived as being needy. However, the neediness of a DA is the most uncompromising of all--if you express any needs, you're either too emotional and unregulated (but they don't say this out loud because they don't want to be seen as the bad one) but they'd say "you're criticizing me, you are critical, you play the victim, I just can't be what you want me to do, you're trying to change me". So its bye. So when @s_e_w_p_h_i_e says their neediness "reigns supreme" in the neediness department, it means their needs come before all, and if they get a sniff of even one small hint of something that doesn't fit their "ideal perfect partner who suits them in all ways", they check out because there simply is no room for compromise. The neediness is the most needy because in their hearts, they know they'd never compromise on what their needs are and need to be met, irregardless of what your needs are, theirs must be met first because you simply can't reason or talk with someone who is stonewalling or giving the silent treatment.
@CaToRi-
4 жыл бұрын
Again, lack of honesty is causing all this problem. If you are avoidant, then you said it just at the BEGINNING of the relationship (NOT AFTER “I do”). If the other person is OK with that, well everything is OK but if not, then you give the other person the chance to look for someone else because that’s the fair thing to do. Hiding your real personality is a way to trap other people in a relationship that will not going to fulfill them. Is selfish, selfish and selfish.
@saavedra77
4 жыл бұрын
This is totally me: core wound of unmet childhood emotional needs, sense of being in survival mode for a long time, deeply internalized shame & associated sensitivity to criticism, tendency to withdraw from emotionally overcharged confrontations, desire for explicit communication & emotional affirmation in intimate relationships, etc. Two most healing therapeutic experiences for these issues: 1) Talk therapy with a psychologist who both affirmed & challenged me; 2) Building warmer, more giving family bonds on my own.
@marilyn5894
4 жыл бұрын
I liked to know more about #2. How are able to do so?
@saavedra77
4 жыл бұрын
@@marilyn5894 In stages, I guess? First, I stumbled into the idea of "chosen family" as a teen. I found a tight circle of friends with common interests, some with their own problems at home. Having real friends to confide in, to listen to, I learned to trust my emotions more, to feel less like an imposter or outsider, more visible and hopeful. Over the years, I've broadened my "chosen family" to encompass close friends from college, work, etc. But I still had a lot to learn about the give-and-take of relationships: I've often felt like an ... amateur at social life, especially around dating. I didn't start out with a strong sense of how healthy relationships worked, just strong ideas about certain things to avoid. The next important thing was falling in love: Meeting the right person made me want to step up, to improve myself. At the same time, feeling loved made it easier to admit my insecurities, ask for help. Living with someone I cared deeply for taught me to listen, work harder, compromise, think about building things together. The third thing that made a difference for me was very personal and unusual, but so powerful I feel that I should mention it, too: I had the chance to retrace my roots, reconnect with a branch of my family I'd been cut off from since early childhood. (Basically, my father's extended family, including my half-siblings, paternal aunts, a whole tribe of cousins, etc.) I was surprised to discover that they'd been looking for me all along, too. And they're much, much warmer than the family I'd gotten marooned with after my parents split. It's hard to explain, but a few years of family reunions, vacations, weddings, etc, a few thousand hugs--it's all been remarkably healing. Not all at once. But profoundly, in the end. I've been lucky to have that, too.
@marilyn5894
4 жыл бұрын
Tony Diaz thank you. This is helpful! When you reconnected with your extended family, did they ever tell you that your “chosen parents” had past issues?
@saavedra77
4 жыл бұрын
@@marilyn5894 My biological --NOT chosen!-- parents definitely had similar issues. My father was very close to his mother, but lost her early & had a disastrous relationship with his dad. My mom was both neglected and abused by her parents--and I spent my early years with that same very dysfunctional couple (i.e., my maternal grandparents). My dad had trouble maintaining relationships. My mom was very fragile. Neither was up to parenting. But my siblings had a different mom, who's very strong & caring. My aunts are also very warm people, who modeled healthier relationships. Again, "chosen family" refers to friendships & relationships I forged on my own. That's a different, but important resource--one I think anyone with an unsatisfactory home life can cultivate.
@saavedra77
4 жыл бұрын
@@marilyn5894 May I ask about the nature of your interest? Are you a therapist? Do you feel that you have an avoidant personality? Or does someone in your life?
@dylanpringle4314
7 ай бұрын
This is like explaining ptsd and adhd and hv parents that are narcissistic loved there boys used the female as a care giving to the whole fam 😢
@ashton1952
2 ай бұрын
I believe the dismissive att is a reaction to having been subjected to narc mistreatment. It's the only way to deal with their manipulation and weaponizing one's vulnerability against you, esp when you're too young to understand fully what's going on and have to respect your elders
@billhardin6472
5 жыл бұрын
Great info and perfect timing for my relationship! My sweetheart is such an amazing woman. She is the personality type you describe. Thank you for helping me show her love she can understand and accept.
@edgreen8140
Жыл бұрын
1) autonomy supportive 2) how's life? 3) avoid criticism 4) want consistency everyone do their own needs. . 5)push emotions down 6) hate criticism 7)be direct w what you want Love their shadow.
@scubagirl1971
3 жыл бұрын
Interesting how DA’s expectations for others do does not align with how they act towards others.
@sal2975
3 жыл бұрын
They were never taught to give what they want because they never received it when they were little.
@marioct130
7 ай бұрын
Exactly.
@sab3607
4 жыл бұрын
I've learnt to become the kind of love I crave, being kind and soft and creating safe spaces but still completely relate still with being so put off from the fear of getting too close and vulnerable with people. Physically I used to run away but now I'm learning every day how to expand my own comfort zone with trust and revealing parts of myself that make me seriously cringe sometimes. Now I'm going on occasional dates but when the fear sets in I end up pretending to be as batshit crazy as I can to push them away 😅 it makes me anxious, feeling too much but I'm slowly taking those steps to form genuine connections with people.
@roveism
4 жыл бұрын
Being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant is the worst relationship you can have with all of the different attachment styles.
@Just...Peachy
Жыл бұрын
You think having a relationship with a clingy, needy, pathetic anxious attachment style is better? No thanks! I had a relationship with one and he became a stalker. Very scary
@ashton1952
2 ай бұрын
@@Just...Peachy Agree, certain departments have a tendency to exaggerate
@marioct130
7 ай бұрын
What to the avoidants give to a relationship? They are too selfish and fragile to be in a healthy relationship.
@Giga3D811
4 жыл бұрын
just don't date the dismissive avoidants. it's not worth your pain and mental health. personal experience.
@scottblack9785
2 жыл бұрын
They leave their partners broken, confused and questioning their own sanity....mine even checked out after many months with a three line text message and then ghosting
@hannahschroeder922
4 жыл бұрын
I really appreciate this kind overview of dismissive-avoidant attachment. It seems like the general tendency is to paint dismissive-avoidants as unfeeling robots who can't connect with other people at all. It was hard for me to recognize myself as having dismissive-avoidant attachment for that reason. I couldn't relate to that particular description of "unfeeling robot", but I didn't relate to any of the other attachment styles either. I see so much of myself in this description though and it's honestly a relief to hear this perspective and to hear this attachment style talked about in a way that is more positive and understanding. Thank you.
@elaine591
5 жыл бұрын
You saved my relationship. Thank you so much.
@kuunami
4 жыл бұрын
Do you mind sharing what you did differently? I believe my current girlfriend might be DA.
@elaine591
4 жыл бұрын
@@kuunami Sure! +584123479912
@jinyang3774
3 жыл бұрын
@@elaine591 damn I’m late but do you still mind sharing 😭
@sophiec3592
3 жыл бұрын
You’re really helping me I just found out I have relationships anxiety-- working on myself but also understanding what a healthy relationship is!!!! Thank you!!
@rhondasmith3127
5 жыл бұрын
When people ask directly for what they want, I respect the Hell out of that, and am instantly motivated to make it happen. Instant shut down/turn off on the expectation that I should have known exactly what it was that someone wanted. Always wondered why that was. Thank you.
@kaylalepine
5 жыл бұрын
You should really start a podcast ! That would be amazing and so helpful
@whitneyrideout4553
3 жыл бұрын
Yes and then have it so people can call in like dr. Laura
@agamng
4 жыл бұрын
Avoidant dismissive is just a waste of time - no point in dealing with ppl like this getting hurt. They are just a pain in the ass being super selfish and only thinking about themselves, takers, users, future fakers, fast forwarders, who just make a mess of another healthy person and then disappear
@bellaapple2166
2 жыл бұрын
Yes I agree 💯 I like to watch these videos, so when I see this behavior in someone I run far away. Instead of these people going to therapy and learning how to have healthy relationships and deal with their childhood wounds, they want us to twist into a pretzel and babysit their needs. NO the world is full of healthier people and I'm not here to walk on eggshells.
@MrMadvibez
5 жыл бұрын
Tremendous video! Well this explains why out of the 5 love languages I could only relate to acts of service and physical touch. I had little regard for gifts, affirmation, and quality time.
@priya_jha
4 жыл бұрын
First video I saw about this topic.. she almost convinced me that dismissive avoidentes are just like any narcissist. I would not call out her name loud but she has a huge fan following around the video. And she really does makes great videos to help people. But I'm so enlightened and so happy to know that they are just regular people. And they are no hopeless.. thank you!!
@themermaidtree1144
4 ай бұрын
Criticism activates core wounds happen to everyone. People should be tactful in conversations, but at the same time we’re all grown and it’s their job to heal their core wounds as it is mine. They aren’t 4. It’s not your job to be their parent because they sure as heck aren’t going to do ANYTHING like that for you no matter how much you care for them. Just get away from them. There are millions of ways to get free help nowadays. They are aware they aren’t being a decent friend much less partner. If they aren’t fixing it it’s not your job to ruin your own mental health trying to relate to this immaturity.
@p.rabbitt4914
5 жыл бұрын
Wow, you just completely clarified the issues I've been having with my husband. I believe with this understanding I can work on creating an even BETTER relationship with him now!
@SK-no2pp
5 жыл бұрын
P. Rabbitt basically treat him like a child. Like your his mom. This is so frustrating ugh. I am so tired. No giving ...but what about my feelings??
@tommymak2038
4 жыл бұрын
@@SK-no2pp I think that you taking on the responsibility to be with this person, presumably because you love them, your feelings should come first to you but second in your relationship because you are a stronger person than they are. Understanding this and creating a space of healing for your partner is necessary to help them grow which will lead to some type of fulfillment, or so we hope.
@TheElbell3
5 жыл бұрын
I'm in tears! This is sooooo helpful. I have never been with someone who was able to express these things to me, and this video has brought so much clarity and understanding about this attachment style and what they need and why they struggle so much to open up. Just being able to understand is so freeing and helps heal so much past hurt! I assumed guys were just unemotional and felt like I should just accept that, but I was always so discontent in relationships and longed for a deeper connection. In a way I felt like as a woman I should intuitively understand these things about men, and I just didn't, which made me feel not good enough. THANK YOU times a million!!!! I feel so encouraged by this.
@giovannipanzera9684
4 жыл бұрын
Ellie Mann, not all men are like this I myself Express my feeling and show my affection I had a broke up a few weeks ago she was close in has a hard time expressing her feeling. Only dated for almost three months
@oscarwilliamson1264
4 жыл бұрын
Ellie Mann, Really!
@flash_flood_area
10 ай бұрын
It's not just a male thing. Men can be secure, or they can be anxious. Women can be avoidant.
@holliew36
5 жыл бұрын
Wow this resonates so much, very grateful to have found this video, feel less crazy and hopeless knowing I'm not alone! Thanks for sharing ♡
@lottidabodi
10 ай бұрын
This is fn gold Thais. Thank you so much for this. I’m noting this to share these points with potential partners once I’m ready to start dating again. I didn’t know how to express these needs before you educating me. I knew I had needs and needs I “thought I wanted” but you encompass the rawness of what I actually need in this video. 🌸
@pure-pisces9980
Жыл бұрын
Can someone please do a video for the avoidant on how to recognise their own behaviours/wounds/traits etc & how to heal/see themselves & how they come across to their partner or others that try so hard to understand them & unconditionally love them.... This is not meant in an accusing manner...I mean this from the bottom of my heart....it seems that every other attatchment style has videos to understand them & where their wounds come & how they can heal/change.... Yet I don't see any recommended for the avoidant....to personally to take accountability for their wounds/actions/behaviours etc & what they can do to heal/help themselves & help them to understand how much pain this causes others, not just what their issues are & what their partner/others have to do to understand/help "them".. Thankyou for your channel, it is extremely helpful 🙏❤
@jmalvika
4 жыл бұрын
i'm tired of this.. support DA, understand DA.. what about me? Will DA do ANYTHING for me? i cant discuss anything that matters (normal tone, carefully chosen words) i just have to see oh he is frustrated.. oh he is repressed.. oh he is unable to handle. i can cry endlessly n i have to be sensitive to him.
@ioeuropaganymedkallisto7204
4 жыл бұрын
Just leave, no one is holding you in that relationship other than yourself.
@LegoFlipC
4 жыл бұрын
Well hopefully you figured out what style you are because you can’t expect anything from your partner when you don’t understand yourself
@T355V
4 жыл бұрын
Just leave. If you can't handle the DA, it is only damaging to you and him both.
@schuylerwednesday4679
3 жыл бұрын
@@amethystlake I understand.. I'm with one.and the thing is I already am emotionally attached to him cuz he was soooooo different when we first got together and he pursued me for 5 years.i am the type of person that doesn't easily fall into it but cuz he was so consistent I eventually did.i didn't see any trace of him being like that at all but when he broke up with me and we still had contact.that was when I uncovered a different side to him.and here I am being an anxious preoccupied trying to salvage whatever worth I have while wanting to leave and heal myself while battling my feelings for him. Many things has happened and I would love to tell you if you're ok but now I'm trying to give him my space as he needs and it's frustrating.really frustrating and I'm also having this negative feelings towards myself why I'm still sticking around.i spent many months crying and feeling just awful and neglected.would love to tell you more about it.
@dreamKeech
3 жыл бұрын
@@amethystlake he’s a narcissist. It’s not DA, it’s narcissism. Anyone who is irritated or angry at someone who’s feelings are hurt is l either a narc or they don’t love you enough
@bellabong8862
3 жыл бұрын
Thais is always so compassionate when describing each attachment style. When it comes to DAs, though, I'm sorry but I feel they are fundamentally selfish and cannot give to their partners in a way that is meaningful. They are all about wanting to have their needs met for acceptance, understanding, space and lots of support and cheerleading, but can't or won't return the same. I'm speaking from personal experience. I loved my DA, but felt lonely and uncared about, so I left for good. Still sad, but I had to save my soul and sanity.
@MrTee12
3 жыл бұрын
Exactly my marriage 😩
@sshuteandrew
5 жыл бұрын
Love this!! Best attachment videos on KZitem 💗Everything you said rings absolutely true.
@AM-gf3uk
10 ай бұрын
15:56 "what you wanna do if this is your partner is start working to compromise your needs & express your needs very clearly & make space for their needs"... anyone see how unhealthy that is? DA relationships seem like they can ruin anyones mental health & its simply not worth it. SAVE YOURSELF FROM THESE PEOPLE..we all deserve being loved, understood and accepted BOTH WAYS.. not just one way. There are billions of people out there Im sure we can find someone who will give as much as they take, and also have awareness of their trauma
@ai4052
5 жыл бұрын
This sounds just like my ex.. It makes more sense now. I wish I would of known this information beforehand, I would have been able to assess the situation better. I know he has a lot of issues with his mother.. I hope he got the help he needed.
@mariposa6360
4 жыл бұрын
I understand my ex now..everything resonates, I hope he can heal this..we ruined the relationship. I still love him and wish I would've known this before so we could communicate better. The last things I said to him was that he didn't deserve me and called him an idiot, but I was just tired of feeling hurt:/ I think I was anxiously attached..well the way he acted triggered that in me because with stable partners I don't act that way. I regret what I said to him and apologized but he never answered. I wish him the best. Good video.
@houghton841
4 жыл бұрын
Surprisingly that was a good explanation. Yes, the core of being avoidant is that you have learnt that you cannot rely on others to meet your needs, so each adult must meet their own needs themselves. This feels as if there is something wrong with us, and we are easily shamed and humiliated. My Mum loved me but was unpredictable, at times abusive, couldn't cope with my needs etc, and I learnt that the only person I could rely on was myself. It's served we well for 60+ years and I've given up on explaining to others why I am the person I am. The worst is being belittled and judged because of it.
@MusicwithMrsLC
Жыл бұрын
I can relate to this SO much. I would POUR on the affirmation, support, patience, understanding, and he had no problem taking all of it, but for the final 2 months he never so much as told me I was pretty once. Or asked how my day was. Every single conversation was about him, what he was doing, what was going on in his world. I initiated EVERY in-person contact of any kind and though he’d go along with it, he became less and less checked in emotionally. Finally when I had a big day planned and he was “too busy” to meet me for more than an hour, I told him maybe it was time that he start making our plans when he had the time and desire to see me. Never heard from him again, and we had been together for months. Total ghost. The lack of closure and respect is astounding. The beginning was wonderful, but like many have said, with time they just become more and more detached until you’re invisible and you’re just supposed to STAY that way. Never mention it. Speak of it. Just disappear into nothing or be left.
@sushisam3010
11 ай бұрын
Research codependency. You will see that most likely you were a giver and he was a mere taker (they are always immature and irresponsible, unable to take responsibility for their actions etc.) Codependency is usually on both sides -- DAs, emotionally, are extremely dependent on their partner. They depend the other for almost any healthy move in a relationship. They want to be cared for (unconsciously), but as they did not have an example or model of care, they do not have the tools to be reciprocal. Honestly, it makes me lazy just to write. It's very tiring, because it feels like a maternal relationship.
@0125FordBronco
11 ай бұрын
reading this is a complete example to a T of my relationship with my ex DA. Except my ex was my girlfriend. We should hook our ex’s up and see how they manage a relationship together. I would genuinely be curious how 2 DA’s get along in a relationship.
@sushisam3010
10 ай бұрын
@@0125FordBronco As you can imagine, it doesn't happen, lol. Very rarely two DAs date, because... wow... it's like there's no glue. They need exciting colorful people in their lives -- people who communicate assertively, or clearly, people who show up in the relationship, give affection and attention, ask about the day and life etc. Generally what they didn't have and don't have. They need what everyone else needs in a relationship (with more alone time), but they generally don't have it to give (except alone time, which is basically what they give the most and we want presence, lol).
@MusicwithMrsLC
10 ай бұрын
@@sushisam3010 oh, I am 💯 a recovering co-dependent. No question. This was a relationship from my past. I’m currently married to a secure partner and have moved out of the anxious attachment style to more secure. Truly, though… any relationship (even friendship) with an avoidant personality is a struggle, even for the secure. Seeing the pattern doesn’t make it any easier to digest. You just know you have to let it be what it will be and allow them to stay where they are.
@MusicwithMrsLC
10 ай бұрын
@@0125FordBronco lol. I think if a DA is not seeking help (which is a lot to ask of someone who has spent their lives running from these very behaviors and fears them) they just have to end up with a codependent and that’s the only way it will work. Two avoidants don’t work well together, because nobody will chase anyone. 🤷🏼♀️
@PN.mod20
4 жыл бұрын
Mind blown....what first comes to mind is the thought..."you mean this is NOT how every other human being sees the world?!". This describes me too well. The childhood neglect, emotional absence, etc. All me. Holy crap.
@joeemenaker
4 жыл бұрын
4:28 - OMG... the expectation of "mind reading"... makes me want to tear my hair out. DA's, like you said, come from a world view of self-reliance. We don't look _down_ on people when they need our help (in fact, it's an opportunity for us to shine, because we can show that we've got ourselves so put-together that we can lend a hand to others), but we operate from the assumption that everybody _else_ is aiming for self-reliance in themselves... and, furthermore, we feel that others would take it as an _insult_ if we just assumed that they were _not_ self-reliant (in the same way that we're insulted when others offer help that we didn't ask for, because it insinuates that you think we're inept). So, when our partners expect us to be looking for subtle cues of need for help or that we should "just know", it feels like we're being asked to read their mind. Even worse, this can make us feel like our partner is a raging narcissist, unable to grasp the notion that the people around them have a set of experiences and knowledge that is distinct from their own (i.e. "You mean the entire world doesn't realize that I've had a bad day and need a hug?").
@cloudstar772
4 жыл бұрын
Yes!! I've always come from the assumption that if I'm to help someone, I should be helping them help themselves. Makes me great at teaching (I'm a dog trainer; training people to train their dogs!) But not so great for relationships
@kristinwehking8994
Жыл бұрын
Here's my perspective: the DA I dealt with would get angry if I expressed a need. Looking back on it, he experienced me telling him about my needs as criticism (they weren't). His anger seemed really disproportionate to me and I felt afraid to express my needs. I had a really hard time directly communicating with this person because of a fear of how they would react. I then struggled with communication about my needs due to fearing that he would get angry if I communicated them.
@4bnfree
7 ай бұрын
As someone who dated a DA off and on for years and was finally done let me tell you the reality. A DA wants all the love, companionship, closeness that comes with a relationship but don't want to commit to actually relationship. They fear the obligations and their part of having to put in work.
@tracyreid4706
5 ай бұрын
I'm a DA and I couldn't agree more!! it suks...
@bygracethroughfaith589
4 жыл бұрын
And that's why they attract the selfless, overly giving anxious types, because we truly want to support and accept them. The problem is, they don't make the same effort. I don't know how self-aware the DA has to be in order for this to work out... normally they lose attraction for you the moment that you reveal your feelings. They have to be the ones putting in the work first. At almost every single point in the relationship.
@dawnacoxon3111
4 жыл бұрын
This is very spot on and insightful! Because they are so hyper independent they actually want to be the one putting in the effort and control. When they are validated they start the deactivating. It’s very sad really.
@GLamoRousCooKie
4 жыл бұрын
Here we go, an anxious type making himself to be a victim, like always. Listen yall, you can always leave the relationship. In fact, that would be preferable to us. But no - you always chose to cling to us all while accusing us of being "horrible" because we don't give you attention 24/7, which is actually incredibly selfish and self-centered. It takes two to tango,.
@dawnacoxon3111
4 жыл бұрын
@@GLamoRousCooKie That’s interesting that’s what you got from our comments. I would reflect a little bit more LOL
@nataliaturner4845
3 жыл бұрын
@@mariachiingles2348 "You can always leave the relationship. In fact, that would be preferable to us." What kind of fucked up logic pretzel is that??? LOL
@wildtainaspirit
2 ай бұрын
The logic of a DA.
@Ryan-yg7zc
3 жыл бұрын
Never again! Way too painful being involved with a DA!
@333Alastair
3 жыл бұрын
I exactly feel you pain. I wish I knew before I dove into the black hole of pain 😁
@Mar6579
2 жыл бұрын
love hearing about their perspective so much! I feel like i want to understand them so much more. thank you!
@MsJbetancur
2 жыл бұрын
I spent 13 years with a DA. It was soul sucking, it was like he was a vampire, taking and never giving in return. I am so so so thankful to be finally free. The best way I could describe him is poison to my soul.
@marcd2743
2 жыл бұрын
Feelyour pain, awful.
@simonthewatchguy6073
8 ай бұрын
I can relate. Ex gf was the same
@indyd9322
8 ай бұрын
The soul sucking you mentioned sounds like he might have been a narcissist. Glad you are free!
@Enoch1012
3 жыл бұрын
This is so spot on for me. My relationship with my ex-GF of 2 years failed for exactly the scenarios being described. We did great the first year, but it was miserable the second year after she moved in with me. I knew it was over when she told me she expected me to make her happy. I was like, “that’s impossible, I can never do that! Only you can make you happy, and only I can make me happy. The best we can do is support each other in finding our happiness, and this takes time and history through shared memories. Your desire to get me to talk endlessly about my feelings makes me feel worse and I don’t want to wallow in my negative feelings, or yours.” It was a real bummer because intellectually we were so good together. I thought it was because of my meditation and interest in Buddhism that screwed me up until I learned about this attachment style. Now, I realize my interest in Buddhism and meditation is a result of my attachment style. Thank you for seeing me.
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