Often when we have children with our partners, we have these great dreamy days when the mother is pregnant and the baby arrives and then often a bit of conflict comes, because we have different parenting styles.
And generally, it's fine. There might be a few rows, there might be a few kinds of disagreements, but we jog along.
By the time the kid gets into the teenage years, it can get a lot more serious. And if the teenager faces serious mental health challenges, it can turn into all out war between the two parents if they have two different styles, two different approaches.
Because then it really matters. The stakes are high.
It's very important that parents work together on some level to figure out what is the way forward, because otherwise they're going to be at war with each other rather than busy focusing on the teenager's distress.
It's more common than you might imagine. One parent is strict and the other parent is indulgent.
So one parent runs a tight ship. They expect a lot from the child. They have kind of high control and they often, frankly, produce high achieving children and there is great research around that.
However, they also produce children who might be more likely to be sly, and perhaps be a little low on self-esteem.
And they're often married to a parent who's really quite indulgent. So the child gets the two extreme edges, the very strict parent and the very indulgent parent.
So the indulgent, permissive parent is the opposite and they don't run a tight ship. They run a soft ship, a warm ship, a sweet ship. They can often be terrified of their child's distress and they'll do anything to keep their child happy.
They can run a very warm kind of scenario and a lot of forgiveness, a lot of gentleness, a lot of warmth.
Here enters The Drama Triangle
And with The Drama Triangle, there's always a victim, there's always a persecutor and there's always a saviour.
And if your teenager, and they often do, starts creating a triangulation between the two parents and the child, where the child is the victim and one or other of the parents are either a persecutor or a saviour, you are going to not only disempower your teenager who's constantly in victimhood status, which is very bad for them, very bad for their mental health and creates a stuckness that is really worrying.
It's inciting a kind of disunity between the parents.The teenager doesn't necessarily know they're doing it.
They might know a little bit because they're human and they might be manipulating the situation a little bit but actually, the harm can be quite serious.
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