What a cruel joke, that avoidents and anxious are attracted to one another.
@michalsztalmach5757
5 жыл бұрын
I know right :D Its just a life I guess....
@heybhabe
5 жыл бұрын
op2001 lol
@krusinek
5 жыл бұрын
It does feel like a joke, but it's evolution making us face and fix the issue.
@BuzzyBeeWheeky
5 жыл бұрын
Yes it is, but the chemistry is amazing. At least it is to the anxious. Sigh. :/
@BuzzyBeeWheeky
5 жыл бұрын
Kelsee Rusinek I’ve thought about that. I keep wondering how are they able to help each other heal, if indirectly?
@ruthberhe2369
5 жыл бұрын
They are cold..but..they want love ..but are scared of being hurt...they would rather hurt then being hurt...you described it so well. Thank you
@addwasabitomycoffee
3 жыл бұрын
@@mustafasaid7942 Not narcissist
@mirajay563
3 жыл бұрын
@@mustafasaid7942 not all dismissive avoidant are narcissists
@mustafasaid7942
3 жыл бұрын
@@mirajay563 u right my bas
@jesuslovesyou534
3 жыл бұрын
miraaa j THEY FEEL LIKE NARCS IN MANY WAYS THO.....BUT YES I AGREE.....BUT THE DAMAGE IS HORRIBLE TOO...BLESSINGS
@Kellyyy44
2 жыл бұрын
I think the biggest difference for me is that these ones are scared of being hurt and although it does directly and indirectly hurt you, mostly through their lack of speaking, and being present and actually here with you, narcs will and can be there consistently and be lying to your face the whole time and they do it with true and pure intent to hurt you. My avoidant admits of his fears. And says of fear or that fearfully, yes he did pull away, and I'm glad he admits stuff like that, stuff that a narc would not... there is a very fine line. I still think avoidants may blame you... but maybe not as much because at the end of the day I think avoidants do know it's them, but narcs do too but will rarely admit it. Both do not show emotion, but I feel narcs have built up their protection shell harder.. avoidants may actually show and open up slightly more then narcs... I hope avoidants don't turn into narcs... both are hurt and at times I have felt bad for BOTH, but with either one, there's really nothing that has to do with you and nothing you CAN do... sadly.
@a.h.2667
5 жыл бұрын
I have to stop getting involved with men like this, it really takes a toll on your mental/emotional health.
@VivMarie808
4 жыл бұрын
Sometimes your health in general I gained hella weight 💔🤦🏾♀️
@SirenVosa
3 жыл бұрын
@@VivMarie808 I lost weight and am hypothyroid. But that started before I met him. Already had a lot of abuse and trauma before him. Developed new and worsening conditions after meeting him.
@OpulentAristocrat
3 жыл бұрын
Omggggg yessss!!!!!
@aurouragwen7150
3 жыл бұрын
Choose wisely
@Anime_kitten
3 жыл бұрын
Yes i only was with 1 12 years. But ima stay single for a year keep him away and move next year.
@eehyetti
4 жыл бұрын
1. They think of emotions as weakness despite needing love, as a result they don’t work a lot for the relationship. 2. They seek fullfilment outside of relationship such as work. 3. During the courting they know how to charm but once they are in the relationship, they pull back. 4. They have a subconscious about rejecment. 5. They would rather hurt rather than be hurt. 6. They don’t express their emotions. 7. They aren’t fully emotionally connected. 8. They use their partner’s petty flaws to run away. 9. They implement deactivating strategies to put up a wall. 10. They have a “phantom ex” who they idealised in their head that nobody can compare. 11. They tend to be very sneaky and secretive so that they don’t want to become vulnarable. 12. If you’re not an important person for them, you might have a pretty normal relationship, but if you’re important to them they need to pull away.
@project9uc886
3 жыл бұрын
Wow! So true! Iam experiencing this in my relationship.
@Salomea369
3 жыл бұрын
So basically you taking about narcissists
@2004danadilworth
3 жыл бұрын
I am going through with my husband now.
@soulsearcher7077
3 жыл бұрын
@@Salomea369 No. Narcissists and dismissive avoidants have the same core wound that evolve from the same childhood traumas (and so do APs and FAs), but they are stacked differently and the two do not act the same way because of them. Narcissists seek validation from outside forces, which is why they must rely on others to validate them and keep them happy. Dismissive avoidants only rely on themselves. They cut others out the picture to preserve their inner safety net. In this way, the anxious-attachment style is closer to narcissism than the dismissive-avoidant one, since the anxious-preoccupied attachment also relies on outer validation, although to a much lesser extent than that of a narcissist’s. But anyone of any attachment style can be a narcissist because all being a narcissist means is that you highly value yourself above others and rely on the energy of other’s to keep yourself going. An anxious-preoccupied can do this, a fear-avoidant can do this, and a dismissive avoidant could do this. It’s not relegated to one type.
@soulsearcher7077
3 жыл бұрын
3. False cuz I really cannot be charming LOL
@Mrs.T305
5 жыл бұрын
Being in love with ppl like this is extremely painful. They're extremely cold to persons who want to love them.
@elementalbuttahfly8510
4 жыл бұрын
Very true indeed
@GotoMaki4Micah
3 жыл бұрын
what reasons did they ever give for you to love them? did you judge the situation on the sex you so quickly had with them? sex equals intimacy and love according to you but sex can be an empty exchange with someone like them. they sound one sided and selfish,. don't want to let you go because you give them attention, sex, they want but don't want to give what you need.
@Mrs.T305
3 жыл бұрын
@@GotoMaki4Micah I said nothing about sex.
@mirajay563
3 жыл бұрын
it’s not their fault
@raularmas317
3 жыл бұрын
Firstly, I would like to emphasize that what is perceived as a DA's "emotionally Cool/Cold" response to your bids for attention are a learned/automatic reaction to expressions of emotional vulnerability. They are not personal. They're not primarily about you. You may have said or done something that acted as a trigger of their unavailability, but you are not the primary reason they pull back and create distance. This is how they learned to protect themselves from people(the DA trusted) who claimed to want to be closer/be more intimate, but lied instead becoming manipulative only to get what the original DA partner wanted and didn't really care whether they got it through subterfuge or other means.
@shirlstemple8741
6 жыл бұрын
I have this exact attachment style. My parents never gave me a safe space to be vulnerable growing up, so I just suppressed everything. So dating anyone, or letting anyone get close feels "heavy", and I rather feel "light" cause its easier. When things get too serious, I literally get nervous, and scared, and pull away. And I only prioritize school and work, everything else feels like extra baggage mentally.
@NuMindframe
6 жыл бұрын
Shirls Temple Thank you for watching and sharing uour story! Hopefully you find the healing video helpful 💖
@icequeen620
6 жыл бұрын
Shirls Temple 💯
@rinarinarina100
6 жыл бұрын
I really can relate, because I was exactly like that years ago, like I wrote above. I was successful and made lots of money, but never as happy as am now where I am capable of being vulnerable to those I love. I think, as long as you are happy, there is no need to change yourself, but if you are not, there are definitely ways to recover.
@NoName-yp6rw
6 жыл бұрын
Your ruining people’s lives who really care for u
@bintabarry9753
6 жыл бұрын
I feel the same exact way, I can relate to everything you just said but I'm trying to become comfortable with vulnerability in a new relationship.
@DH___
5 жыл бұрын
“Just because someone is not sad does not mean that person is happy” True shit 🙌🏻💯
@realfriendsunlimitedpodcas3140
3 жыл бұрын
So freakin true
@stephenrosales4685
5 жыл бұрын
“They do this to people who are most important to them” so true 😩
@ld8178
5 жыл бұрын
Stephen Rosales yup, the most understanding and compassionate ones. Advice, gtfo. Let them take responsibility for their actions and where they want to go. If they want this to work. They will seek help
@victoriamorgan3776
5 жыл бұрын
Stephen Rosales Then they get cheated on. 😳
@صبراجميل-ض3ص
4 жыл бұрын
trueeee 😩
@MiMi-ks8qq
4 жыл бұрын
I remember my ex and I had a conversation because I felt that he was more attuned to his friends' needs than those of his loved ones. When I told him this, he was aware that he really has a tendency to take the people he loves for granted. 😟
@janharper2821
4 жыл бұрын
I think this is brilliant with one exception. My son is DA. His father is avoidant and I am anxious preoccupied. When my son was small I was so sad that his father was emotionally distant as I am an empath and extremely sensitive. I have had anxiety and understand my son wd hv felt emotionally neglected du to that for sure but to say all DAs never had the emotional connection is not true. I would always encourage him to share his feelings. I would sleep next to him until he fell asleep etc etc so this doesnt make sense
@MLoveWinter
5 жыл бұрын
For all the girls, dating a dismissive. LEAVE. NOW. I just ended a relationship with one who had a rough childhood, bad family relationship, always put work first and made me feel guilty for caring and loving him, telling me I'm too clingy. The moment he ghosted me, after i left the city, was the moment i realized i should end this. We deserve someone who will actually be able to love us back and appreciate us. So just do yourself a favor and leave.
@Jesus4Life10
5 жыл бұрын
It’s not he’s fault hun.. but you deserve better so good for you for realizing that. God bless:-)
@brialyn337
4 жыл бұрын
It's just hard when you really Love that person
@reformedeve7278
4 жыл бұрын
You were really brave...I still feel hope, but I know what you mean..
@betterfad3d
4 жыл бұрын
Thank you
@jizzlow123
4 жыл бұрын
And the boys?
@hmanfilms
2 жыл бұрын
After years of studying this and multiple relationships and therapy, I’ve learned it’s extremely hard to tell the difference between a narcissist and someone highly avoidant. Intention really is the only difference, but to the receiving end, it feels exactly the same (emotionally neglectful, abused, used, misled, etc.) Word of advice to all avoidants. Please be upfront with potential partners about your attachment style and behaviors. We don’t want to be charmed for months by you before you move us into a committed relationship with you only for you to pull away with no explanation. It’s never fun to be left as soon as you reciprocate feelings.
@Vixinaful
Жыл бұрын
Agree! Thought he was a covert narcissist. Turns out he was schizophrenic with avoidant personalitydisorder and my psychologist also thinks introverted psychopathy. A pure devils mix. I had heartfailiure.
@nicholasguama7200
Жыл бұрын
Absolutely 🤗💯 true.I almost grew mad in a rebound relationship with an avoidant.Thanks as you have clarified the gaps I have been missing.
@elsaaforges
Жыл бұрын
DA here. I think there’s a huge difference between a DA and a narcissist besides intention: a narcissist can’t stand being alone because they need constant reassurance and supply from their victim. They are emotional vampires. On the contrary, I feel no need of having anybody around. I am a lone wolf and to me happiness equals serenity, which can only be attained through solitude.
@freerangeboogie7293
Жыл бұрын
Very interesting thread here. I called out my boyfriend of 3 months for doing one inconsiderate thing after another. He took my confrontation pretty well and stepped up his game. I do see the pattern of an avoidant as I have been one myself The difference is I’ve had two years of therapy and a lot of empathy, He is pretty clueless. He has never been married no children no pets , and the longest relationship was about a year . we’ve been friends for 20 years so I know his background and I’m giving the guy a chance. He is amazing in many other ways . ???
@MakeAmericagreatAgainEVH
Жыл бұрын
Absolutely! I’ve studied mine for 10 years and I’ve come to conclusion he is a DA schizoid, or a covert narcissist! Good as gold to me when we were dating, but as soon as we got married, he’s changed and cold as hell. There’s no empathy, compassion, talking, understanding plans future! There’s nothing but a deep depression. That’s all me and all of his children. They never take accountability or self reflect if I would’ve known what I know now I would’ve ran from him!!!!
@eristotle2380
6 жыл бұрын
dismissives are afraid of being hurt, or tricked or used.
@Dtella55
6 жыл бұрын
Eristotle I agree dismissive/avoidant are empaths/sensitive but secure but over time being hurt all the time by insensitive individuals leads to empaths not trusting people anymore hence dismissiveness...some childhood pain no love/neglect can be part of the package which causes people to shut others off and become introverts ....even if you were extrovert/introvert
@Dtella55
6 жыл бұрын
Eristotle I agree...100!
@SarahMilton64
5 жыл бұрын
I see it as these people are emotionally atrophied. Emotions are like muscles - if they do not develop in early life and have exercise, they shrivel. I know there are ways to develop emotional awareness and relationships later in life with proper help.
@roshalllambert
5 жыл бұрын
@Tamera Lewis The way you are describing dismissive seems like ur describing someone who is a narrasist. Not all dismissives like to hurt, trick or use others unless they are narcissistic. I have this attachment style but I am nothing like that. One of my parents was narsasistic and I know how exploitative they can be so I would not do anything like that with another person.
@kevinford8075
5 жыл бұрын
@Tamera Lewis THANK YOU. THESE MOFOS TRYNA TO DRESS IT UP
@illnana11221
5 жыл бұрын
I feel I'm dating a dismissive... It's emotionaly draining....painful....I feel so alone. It's hard because when he's fine things and chemistry is amazing. But when he's down all is out the window. I'm seeing that in order for us to work, I have to swallow all my pride. I put in 1000 percent....he puts 5.
@quishia
5 жыл бұрын
You can’t give your all into someone who isn’t giving you anything in return. Fall back and see what he does
@hellochips
5 жыл бұрын
I used that exact same expression about swallowing my pride when I was unhappy at the lack of intimacy in my relationship with my ex. She completely blew up (very low self esteem) and was like ‘well if I’m not affectionate enough for you and you think I’m cold then I’m clearly not what you want’. So I said no it’s my fault, I need to swallow my pride and not be afraid to ask you to hold and kiss me. She said that’s wrong because she’s still not doing it right so I said you aren’t a mind reader. Needless to say the whole thing was so draining, we fought a lot and I just kept thinking I could be with someone who does this stuff naturally without it being so hard :/ I dunno man I just don’t think it’s worth it for the open heart types who want a lot of affection
@illnana11221
5 жыл бұрын
I wanna to make it work...but I know it will probably be alot of heart ache in the long run. I know I gotta just let go to see if he changes ...but the thought of loosing him hurts.... I'm an empath and am noticing that this happens way to much to me....
@hellochips
5 жыл бұрын
Natasha Gonzalez I totally get that. I was holding out hope my ex would change too and she was trying but that actually made me feel bad. It hurt me to not get my needs met, but it also hurt her to think she wasn’t enough for me, and that was made worse by the fact she suffers from depression. It hit home when my friend asked what do I actually like about her and all I could say was I like her desire to improve. That’s not good - a better answer would’ve been I like how kind, thoughtful and affectionate she is but she isn’t any of those things so it would’ve been a lie. I think that holding out hope someone will change can be really dangerous for you in the long run. I’m not saying people can’t change, I believe they can but it takes TONS of work and most likely years rather than a few weeks or months. Would you really want to put your life on hold for someone who might not ever be able to give you what you want? Ultimately it comes down to how much you’re willing to tolerate. It’s extremely hard when you love someone but I’d also ask myself what you actually like about your relationship exactly as it is now. Because if you only like the thought of what it might one day become, I think that’s a sign you’re with the wrong person - as hard as it is to come to terms with
@winegyalfitness5757
5 жыл бұрын
Natasha Gonzalez I’m going through this right now and it really hurts.
@MsRudiecantfail
6 жыл бұрын
I'm a classic dismissive avoidant. I want to be in a longlasting relationship, but as soon as things start to look serious I begin to feel claustrophobic. I then start noticing traits in my partner that I don't like. It's as if these things are both enlarged and multiplying fast. In that situation I honestly can't tell if I'm seeing great big red flags and that I in fact should running for the hills or if it's my mind messing with me. I usually choose the first rather than the latter, because I DO NOT want to end up caught in something I can't get out of. That may in fact be my biggest fear. I'd rather be alone. I've ditched a lot of really good guys that way. I usually feel much happier and more relaxed in a relationship that sems more like a friendship. I don't like having to make promises, hang out with a partner's family and generally get sucked in to the whole relationship deal. Thank you for a great video. You've got us down to a tee.
@BeccsGrace
6 жыл бұрын
Thank you for that because as the anxious one, when we are together, the feelings are intense and I truly believe there is love. But then I couldn't understand how he could say he wants to marry me one day and tries to give me a child, but then won't meet my family or let me meet any of his family or friends. We have the dance push and pull push and pull. Sadly, this is not my first relationship like this.
@empress_highpriestess3307
6 жыл бұрын
@@BeccsGrace sexually..use protection..this pattern of relationship between you and perhaps within him as well, is much too unstable and non nurturing to bring a new life into.
@BeccsGrace
6 жыл бұрын
@@empress_highpriestess3307 I agree. I've expressed my feelings to him and have decided to try to walk away. I hope I stay strong enough to keep moving forward. It's hard.
@zondrawilson5921
5 жыл бұрын
I want to cry. Me too! I have so many male friends and I'm so comfortable. When I start feeling claustrophobic...I get scared and run for the hills.
@MsChrissyLW
5 жыл бұрын
MsRudiecantfail I was sure my ex was a narcissistic sociopath because of how emotionally detached he was after ending our relationship but now I think this is a way better description. This clarifies so much and it’s like you described him so accurately. Now I can put the confusion and lack of closure to a rest. I hope he gains self awareness in the future.
@mdmcpherson8574
Жыл бұрын
I fell for a DA and it’s been the most heartbreaking thing in the World to constantly wonder if they even like you/trust you/care about you. You feel unwanted, ignored and unimportant and they give more attention to random friends/acquaintances and their pets than you.
@serene1486
Жыл бұрын
THATS SO TRUEEE AHAHAHAHA
@karkar1624
2 жыл бұрын
To have a partner like this has been incredibly painful for me. As I am anxious attachment, it has been like I’m living in hell for the past 4 years. Literally got to the point of begging on my knees for understanding from my partner & there’s no acknowledgement, no empathy; just coldness. Thank you for this video for helping me realize it is beyond me. But respectfully, I think it’s safe to say I’m ready to walk away from this type of dynamic. It has crippled me & made me fall into a deep depression.
@NuMindframe
2 жыл бұрын
I’m so sorry to hear this and I completely understand. Sending you love❤️
@yellowtheresunshine
Жыл бұрын
I'm so sorry for your experience. How are you now?
@luludouglas6647
Жыл бұрын
I understand ❤
@MakeAmericagreatAgainEVH
Жыл бұрын
Yea! Try 19 years! Cold as ice unless it’s his feelings it’s all about him!!! you can’t have a marriage with these people
@izzypaynee
2 ай бұрын
I beg you to just pull a uno reverse on him
@imjoshuajohnson
6 жыл бұрын
This is my attachment style and I feel like it is a very misunderstood and vilified attachment style because people don't understand the pain and loneliness at the root of it. Its so easy to paint people with this style as being evil, cold or uncaring but that's not the case. We want love, intimacy and affection very much, it just feels so overwhelming and terrifying to experience because we feel it will be to our detriment eventually. It takes some intense hurt to cause this. In my case I was raised by a physically and emotionally abusive mother who did not validate or give room to my emotions or my opinions. To me it did not feel as if she cared for any physical pain I felt or any emotions that I felt. The pain she experienced from the divorce with my father she took out on me so I learned to navigate her emotions while at the same time suppressing my own and eventually learned that emotions were needless, pointless, useless and dangerous. I began to believe I was invisible and nobody cared. As an adult this has played out in the worst of ways with me going from relationship to relationship forming bonds but eventually pulling away. Even overlapping relationships and cheating. I never developed the ability to understand or explain how I feel so getting those emotional needs met have been a challenge and when I feel like my partner doesn't understand me, I tried to get those needs met in covert ways. Ultimately I hurt someone I truly cared about when I admitted to her I was unfaithful. She left and I felt the pain of abandonment like I had never ever felt. It was definitely rock bottom and now I'm doing everything I can to better my thoughts, actions, habits and behaviors so I never render or feel that type of pain again.
@moneybags999
6 жыл бұрын
Joshua Johnson I think that this type of attachment is "vilified" as you say, because of the way dismissives can so easily discard people. It's the antithesis of what it means to BE in an intimate relationship. Just look at the hurt you've caused in your relationships. Neither the avoidant nor the anxious attachment is healthy. This is not a case of my attachment style is better than yours. Both are extremely damaging to a relationship. The only one to strive for is the secure attachment style. It is a work in progress for me. I'm the anxious type and my boyfriend is the avoidant type and it's a struggle. I don't expect it to last much longer. In fact I feel myself detaching from him. I hope I don't inadvertently become a dismissive myself.
@snooty4180
5 жыл бұрын
I think we can sometimes be temporarily dismissive depending on where we are in our lives due to past or present experiences.
@annae.9006
5 жыл бұрын
Look into Thought Field Therapy-Tapping. It is mind-blowing when it comes to healing trauma and once you have healed all the charge from your childhood, your attachment style will be changed to a secure one. Well done for being so aware of it all and for wanting to do everything in your hands to change it!!! You deserve love, so go find someone qualified to do that work with and you won´t believe how your life will transform... Go for it!!!
@TracesOfTrice
5 жыл бұрын
Joshua Johnson thank you for sharing this. I truly hope you do get to find yourself and feelings meeting in peace and not in fear. You are worthy of feelings and validation and I hope someone you connect with will allow you to do so wholeheartedly
@kevinford8075
5 жыл бұрын
U need to be alone
@clairem1882
5 жыл бұрын
I've been married for 29 years to an emotionally avoidant man. I was lead to believe I was emotionally unstable, needy and basically wrong. I'm stuck. I try all stratergies to gain the love and connection I crave. If you recognise this trait in your partner....walk away in the other direction (quickly). I feel constant frustration, emotional pain and rejection. I clung on with the hope that I could change him, or myself enough to not care. How he was raised was not his fault but he does nothing to change although he recognises he is avoidant. Relationships are complicated when we bring dysfunction to the table.
@walkyria1
5 жыл бұрын
Looks like your partner is an Schizoid..read about it. My ex husband is an Schizoid and the signs and symptoms are the same as yours and your relationship. I end up getting a divorce 10 months ago. I was invisible to him...he is cold, shows no emotions at all, he is emotionally unavailable, no desire for intimacy, distant, disconnect..etc! I felt rejected, abandoned...terrible feeling.
@KMill-xb3uc
5 жыл бұрын
o..m..g are you getting any help or councelling? I haven't even been in a full relationship... but even at the friendship level.. the behavior makes you feel like you are the problem.. Maybe they haven't come to terms with their childhood pain.. but oh boy do they know how to pretend for a long time. My problem is I care so much I keep pushing with the idea that there is some "good in them".. but good in them is not a good reason to add stress to your life. Nope. Self care and preservation is more important.
@SirenVosa
5 жыл бұрын
@@guadalupeeg5034 schizoids genuinely think there is something with people who feel and care
@mrs8792
5 жыл бұрын
daisy dip I divorced mine after 24 years. I waited too long, but have never regretted, finally leaving.
@jaydblak4638
4 жыл бұрын
I am going through this right now.
@gitchygitchyyaya
6 жыл бұрын
Do not fall in love with someone who has this attachment style, it will shatter your heart into a million pieces 💔 you will always feel alone, and no matter how open and vulnerable you are it’ll feel like your words are given back to you. I cry for people with this attachment style because until it becomes a big enough problem they will never experience true love. It may never become a problem because the coping mechanism causes you to NOT CARE (let that sink in)
@ebill66
6 жыл бұрын
I'm not sure, but I think I've fallen in love (too quickly I might add) with a woman who may well have this attachement style. She really seemed to like me initially, and since she's very introverted, I was surprised she approached me and was somewhat open with me. But after I asked her out on a very low key date (so it could be a relaxed and hopefully a mutually comfortable get together) the distancing and passive aggressive behavior began. She's just not "there" anymore, it's like I'm communicating with a superficial version of the women I once knew. I'm certainly confused and a little hurt. I can't tell if I misread everything and she never wanted a closer relationship (the whole "not into you" factor) verses it's actually this attachment style. Either way, I feel bad it's not likely we'll get a chance to know each other better. It does seem like it might be best to move on... I don't think I could take having a partner who cannot communicate honestly. I believe a willingness to be vulnerable and have honost communication are the keys to getting past the problems ALL relationships will have. If you can't communicate... what is there to do?
@thriftqueens4035
6 жыл бұрын
I married into this type of relationship and now he is at working and I'm home alone his job calls and he drops everything we are doing and leaves me for work we do eat dinner together not do we cuddle in bed together and the sex life sucks bad I give him all of me and I get nothing in return but loneliness.
@awb139
6 жыл бұрын
@@ebill66 I think you took the words right out of my mouth.
@amywitt8317
6 жыл бұрын
But we really want to, don't we?
@reneeodayok859
5 жыл бұрын
So true. For my own mental health I had to adjust myself to not caring, not communicating, basically modeling my behavior after his.
@chelciedaniel6963
2 жыл бұрын
Dismissive avoidant people push people away and always complain about how lonely they are , and anxious attachment people like myself just want to be loved but our challenge is to find that love within ourselves. Finding out attachment styles really makes you just not want to date. It’s a lot to deal with especially when you know you deserve to be happy.
@lovelylinda8891
Жыл бұрын
Agreed
@pist251
10 ай бұрын
I've never seen a dismissive avoidant complain about being lonely. They seem pretty happy to me
@333Alastair
3 жыл бұрын
Just realized my GF is dismissive avoidant. She fits every description. It’s heart breaking and liberating at the same time. So many mysteries solved here. Thank you!
@imahighvaluewoman4424
3 жыл бұрын
Same I’m dating someone and yet I feel so alone
@mademan1598
5 жыл бұрын
U described my girlfriend of 2 years down to a T: 1. She always envelopes her life completely in work and being busy. 2. She doesn't want to discuss anything emotional. 3. She's hardly ever affectionate or romantic. 4. Her version of communication is saying 'good morning' and only that the whole day. 5. She's very secretive with her fone (red flag as u said) and confides in her ex (more than a red flag - dead giveaway). 6. She once expressed (with a look of regret and nostalgia) how she spurned a chance with a previous bf who was good to her. 7. She has past family issues which she said if I was to know about I would run away. In reality dating her is the same as being single. We haven't quite broken up yet but I asked her the other day if she wants to (in the hope she'd say yes) and she said 'I don't know'. I'm really tired of dating someone who puts up a brick wall. I just don't care anymore.
@whitecollardiary
5 жыл бұрын
My son to be ex fiance does the same thing except the ex situation. You said it all.
@LindieBotes
5 жыл бұрын
Oh man it's scary how many of these things I see in my current partner. Thank you for sharing. I really need to think about this.
@Aleksej09
4 жыл бұрын
@@LindieBotes run.... And run fast! I am living 20 years of that ... and its like a dark hole holding you in smth which cannot be explained
@LindieBotes
4 жыл бұрын
@@Aleksej09 I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I ran and I feel a lot better, like I can breathe now. Wishing the best for you!
@brialyn337
4 жыл бұрын
Feel you
@kimclarkson7129
6 жыл бұрын
I dated someone with this type of attachment style. It was so frustrating and hurtful.
@littlefrances70
5 жыл бұрын
So did I. She put so much effort into her schooling and studying. When it came to weekends , a limited amount of time, then sure let's spend time together. "But no, I love you so much and value you...."- well I would often think , well you have a funny way of showing it. Socializing was not fun, for her to the point that even interacting with strangers for a brief period of time distrusting everyone. Definite narcissistic tendencies yet lots of anxiety and complete lack of awareness of her feelings. Not to mention dismissing all the time. Sooo difficult. With only a few times of honest sharingand admitting of pulling away...so eventually I said No More. I stayed too long which was my bad. I thought she needed support during some hard life times. She walked away very easily after 2 years....so right, never fully connected. Thank you for explaining the thought and action process!
@kevinford8075
5 жыл бұрын
I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THIS
@hellochips
5 жыл бұрын
I had an awful time with this. I used to get one word answers to nice messages I would send. I let it make me feel horrendous. It got to a point where it made me feel awful about myself to give 80% and get 20% back. Work, friends, anything but me became the focus by the end. So dull. No sexual intimacy. She got depressed and pulled away. I was devastated. She said she thought about me 90% of the day but she showed it through breadcrumbs. I always felt pushed away. She said she hates the barrier she has as much as I do so she’s aware but can’t get over it and I can’t wait around
@joshuasplawn3007
5 жыл бұрын
hellochips OMG this IS my ex.
@bellag2864
5 жыл бұрын
@@hellochips same here. So hurtful but so hard to let go
@ladyt_ismyname6643
6 жыл бұрын
We treat people how we feel about our own self.
@qamaraporch760
5 жыл бұрын
Tiffany Favray truest
@maameserwahdonkor
5 жыл бұрын
deep
@aav_n
5 жыл бұрын
Yes talk to the King Call Out
@nefelibata4190
5 жыл бұрын
False.
@aav_n
5 жыл бұрын
The way we allow us to feel....
@ethereal6063
2 жыл бұрын
Parenting is such a delicate dance of discipline and nurturing. There are so many people walking around broken as adults, due to their childhood trauma at the hands of their parents. This is beyond sad. Then you come along as a "normal" person, absorbing the toxicity until you decide one day not to. Yall stay strong! ❤
@ngreflections
2 жыл бұрын
As a dismissive avoidant, I feel that we start pulling away 3-4 months in (when the expectation of vulnerability in a relationship starts creeping in). We do this not because we really want to leave (although in the moment we rly believe this is the case because we fixate on their flaws) but rather because we rly believe that them leaving is unavoidable and need to protect ourselves. So we start turning our feelings off toward that person and even sabotage the relationship on purpose so that when they end the relationship we don’t feel rejected, but like we had some control over it. Of course, then months later after processing what you’ve done - that’s when you grieve the person and how much you really cared for them.
@NuMindframe
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing! As a fearful avoidant, I relate to this process (Also it’s so cool that you have an IB prep channel. I wish something like that existed when I was in the IB program lol. It would’ve made my life so much easier)
@Meg.1122
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing. Are you currently healing your attachment? Do you have any tips/advice?
@secullenable
Жыл бұрын
Spot on. People give DA's such an incredibly hard time but try being one! It's not pretty.
@BerylWalubengoAnyitiNanyama
6 жыл бұрын
COLD! Dating dismissives is painful.
@hearme4581
5 жыл бұрын
Extremely
@mrs8792
5 жыл бұрын
Beryl Walubengo oh hell yes!
@correaplayz01nunya93
5 жыл бұрын
If you want to feel special to your partner, this is not the type of person to be with
@Perfect9z
5 жыл бұрын
I just got out of a 4.5 year relationship with one....shit was ROUGH! Very painful.
@Gametesteur12345
5 жыл бұрын
Being a dismissive is painful too.
@janebloomington
6 жыл бұрын
I do have this attachment style, but I usually keep people at a distance so they never get the chance to even enter into a relationship with me. I sabotage my potential relationships quite frequently and I'm well aware of it. However, because they never got the chance to develop that bond with me, I just assume they don't care if I'm no longer in their life. They don't care. My absence doesn't affect their lives in any way, shape, or form. Or at least that's what I've convinced myself. Whether or not that's true is a different story. I never allow myself to think too much about it once it's over. My parents emotionally rejected me all the time. They provided for me, but affection was a no-no in my household. My mother taught me that emotions are a sign of weakness; my father was an alcoholic who verbally admitted that he never wanted marriage or kids. I didn't have a good childhood; I can admit that freely and openly. My mother never hugged me, and she never wanted me around. So what's the point in developing a romantic relationship with someone if your own parents don't care enough to bond with you and ensure you have a safe space to be vulnerable? That hurt runs deep, and it's difficult to break that cycle. It's just foreign to talk about my emotions & feelings. It's not second nature to me, but I'm working on it. I know what my issues are, but I don't know how to fix them. Therapy is great, but who has the financial resources for such a thing? I'm getting there though; I'm committed to changing, and I'm just taking it one step at a time.
@teampyro911
5 жыл бұрын
sounds the same as the last girl i was talking to before ,the closer i got the more she pushed away. so now im all paranoid of woman n shit -_-.
@kevinford8075
5 жыл бұрын
I feel ya but what I DONT like is some of u still fuck around with peoples feelings. People can get hurt that way(physically😡) ik my last girlfriend pissed me the fuck off with that shit. I empathize but remain single and leave people alone0
@Irishmaiden24
5 жыл бұрын
I put posters up in my house of feelings to help my husband understand his feelings and it has made a big difference. Try looking up feelings and print out or purchase posters of them. It helps a whole lot. I just know it's hard to fix anything if you cant identify what you are feeling. I have seen a change in my husband. He is more loving and affectionate. Sometimes he gets distant but not as long as it use to be.
@kevinford8075
5 жыл бұрын
@@Irishmaiden24 not everyone is willing to do the work, most of em are not. Theyre extreme cases out there. Maladaptive/irreversible
@vden02
5 жыл бұрын
Kevin Ford The issue isn’t that most do not want to do the work, it is that they aren’t even consciously aware of the issue. Too many so deeply wounded and blocked from knowing themselves, the super ego runs the show to protect the outer self leaving the true self in the dark.
@lover3308
5 жыл бұрын
This is what I experienced in my recent relationship. Started out with instant attraction, chemistry and connection on both sides and as soon as things took more of a deeper serious tone, he started pulling away little by little. Slowly in the next 8 weeks that followed he reduced his presence so much to the point that there was nothing left. Those last 8 weeks were the most heart shattering days of my life Bc I had fallen in love with this person and I thought he felt the same . But in the end it all ended without even a real goodbye.
@emanaturalsaus
5 жыл бұрын
Yes same situation but it took me over a year to realise what he's purposely doing to me .
@BuzzyBeeWheeky
5 жыл бұрын
So heartbreaking and soul-destroying. I hope you’re doing much better now
@kevinford8075
5 жыл бұрын
Are u sure. Ur not a cluster b? Maybe he sensed something in u....
@tonygrego1031
5 жыл бұрын
same situation!! sorry to hear about yours. as soon as things got real, she bailed. the honeymoon phase ended and she couldn't handle the serious side. I'm only 3.5 months from the breakup so hopefully I'm ahead of the game in realizing this.
@ladyredz1755
5 жыл бұрын
same here ..phantom x was brought into it during an intimate moment and then he changed we tried friends and he initiated more and then since i'm AP i was triggered when he again pulled back as i assumed was hung up on her. he's so convinced he's cheating on her even though she's long gone. i didn't think he was cutting me off for good. i never even wanted a relationship that's the sad thing and was happy being causal friends ..now he is going thru a lot in his life so more barriers. i just want the old guy back but know it sadly was all fake.
@karynhuang9957
4 жыл бұрын
You can go from secure or anxious to avoidant after being jaded from bad relationships
@conantheseptuagenarian3824
3 жыл бұрын
right. i feel like i'm both depending on the situation.
@Lovely-ff7uv
3 жыл бұрын
@@conantheseptuagenarian3824 your style is fluid based on other styles as well.
@plantpoweredpagan
3 жыл бұрын
@@Lovely-ff7uv i can relate to this!
@imw18
5 жыл бұрын
I dated an avoidant woman she lost her mother when she was young. And she fit your description to the letter. Unfortunately, I'm anxious, so we had an unhealthy relationship. I never felt so loved and unwanted at the same time. Thank you for your videos you’re making me a better man.
@mast6349
5 жыл бұрын
I sincerely hope you receive some deserving recognition of this series. It’s a very significant contribution to our species in my opinion. ❤️
@aliciawarrenjohnson7652
4 жыл бұрын
Matthew Stone Seriously!
@katrinaharvey9952
5 жыл бұрын
I am dismissive and I know why I am. It started in childhood when high my parents neglected me. I also was left alone a lot because my grandparents worked. I was bitten by a rat at the age of 5 days old because I was left in a dark room. My first memory of realizing I needed to be held was waiting on my grandmother to come home from work but having thoughts that she as going to die and leave me all alone. I would have anxiety attacks at 5 years old. Then I started learning to play alone and create my own realities. My grandmother told me recently that I was always a different child because I played alone but now I realize that it was just me handling trauma in my life as a child. Offer kids picked on me for talking slow which I also learned later in life that I am a thinker so I have to process my thoughts and words before I speak. I'm extremely intelligent but growing up I was led to believe something was wrong wrong with me. I pursued guys who are also dismissive because to me that was love because I thought that was love in my life. Now that I'm 44 years old I get it and I'm working so hard to stop this in me and stop pursuing men who are the same. I been single for 11 years doing everything to avoid trying. Having imaginary relationships or if I try finding a reason to end it and I do without saying why.
@Shri100percent
5 жыл бұрын
Please get therapy ♥️
@LifeFilmz
5 жыл бұрын
i relate to this so much. this stemmed from my mother. after my parents were divorced my mother had to work (military) so i was often with my grandmother. who is nice and i loved her but sometimes i felt ignored. like when i had recurring nightmares (i had the same nightmare for maybe a good 5 years straight every night) and i would run to her room, she would tell me to go back she wouldn't comfort me. i also had to deal with sexual abuse from other family members. once my mother settled in her career i was excited because we were going to spend more time together but i quickly realized that i wasn't wanted. my mom was never affectionate with me and often put her temporary relationships above me. she even told me herself that "if you are expecting me to be more of a loving parent and give you more hugs and kisses i cant do that for you" when she told me that it broke my heart and left me confused. i am working on myself i'm hoping to go back to therapy i just don't know where to begin.
@nunalove3367
5 жыл бұрын
@@LifeFilmz i have the same story as you guys and i don't know what i should do .. i am about to lose my bf who i really love .. i really did not mean to act like that but i have been through a lot .. i have a dead beat dad and my parents are divorced
@LifeFilmz
5 жыл бұрын
If there’s any counseling or support groups I would start there. If counseling isn’t affordable, you can continue watching KZitem videos that give helpful tips and also, take time out of your day to start journaling if you aren’t already.
@lucjo789
4 жыл бұрын
Kay LovePlants I’m 100% the same I’ve only just realised this and I’m willing to change but it’s so hard
@miyonchees
5 жыл бұрын
I've just come out of a "relationship" with a dismissive. As far as I'm concerned, it's only one-sided. My friends assumed he was just a narcissist, but I knew there was something wrong from the first night I met him. He gave clues which led me to believe he was actually very insecure and using his work as a crutch. He did warn me right away that he had a long history of ruining relationships and didn't want to hurt me. I told him I would never let him do that. When I felt he was damaging, I'd be gone. He did tell me about his perfect, beautiful ex wife. I said Ok, sorry for your loss, and never felt insecure. He said right away that he hated animals and people, and said he tuned me out when I was telling him about my day. Instead of getting angry about any of this, I understood he had been hurt somewhere so I began asking questions like, did he ever have a pet. He had. I asked if something bad had happened to it. He said yes, nothing more. He doesn't hate animals. He's terrified of them because their only purpose is to provide unconditional love and he felt then lost it. He said he wanted kids, but then said he couldn't have any part in raising them or they would inherit his disposition. I tried to get him to explain it, but he wouldn't. I asked about his parents. He said they were wonderful. I didn't believe this because if I hadn't asked, he'd never have brought them up, whereas mine can't quit texting and sending care packages abroad. This guy is a writer. I am too. I asked if his parents had read his books. I just felt I knew the answer. They hadn't. Not one. I asked another time about his childhood. He said his parents only loved each other. He asked them once if they loved him too. They said not as much, of course not! He said this laughing, but I realized he had a lot of hurt and anger built up. I tried to tell him I don't play. Whatever feelings I give him, they are sincere. He could trust me. He said he was completely rejected and terrorized in school, no friends. Said he wanted to truly try to have a relationship with me but was scared he'd ruin it. That he was selfish, uncaring. I asked why he thought he wanted to build a life with another person if that was truly who he was. Seems one-nighters were better suited. He said no, he really wanted this. Then... I had crazy hair. I wasn't nice to the waitress. My food didn't taste the same as before. He started throwing up from stress, lying saying he'd eaten something disagreeable. I told him we'd eaten the same food. What are you stressed over? He made a lot of excuses. I let him have them but he knew I knew. One of the last things he told me was that it scared him how easily I could read him. He left on a research trip and hardly wrote. Made excuses. So much work. Can't write. No how are you, ever ever. I understood any progress we had made was lost and said at least to own his issues, don't lie so cheaply. Never heard from him again. Hope this helps anyone going through this. You can get confirmation if you prod.
@kevinford8075
5 жыл бұрын
This is why I say leave ASAP. TOO BROKEN
@chinmayibhirud7342
5 жыл бұрын
miyonchees I needed to read this. Thank you so much :)
@nefelibata4190
5 жыл бұрын
Animals give unconditional love, so what was the problem with that?
@samuelmass1277
5 жыл бұрын
Oh man, I hope I don't end up like that guy
@weneedmoreconsideratepeopl4006
4 жыл бұрын
I think he left because he felt like he didn't deserve you even though he wanted you and can't match the way you take care of him. It's in men's nature to be the provide security and if they know subconsciously that they fall short, it gets to them especially when their nurturer plays the role all too well.
@RedRuby_27
2 жыл бұрын
As a avoidant dismissive person, I do fear love. My longest relationship lasted 1 and a 1/2 years but was long distance. I have grown to be very self aware so I understand why I was able to easily do long distance. I’m happier these days being alone because I can work on my mental health without hurting others. And yes I do get lost in my work 😕 instead of connecting with ppl. It’s pretty tough to feel that push and pull feeling I get when I do love someone. So I’m not all empty.. I do feel.. I do want love and to be loved. I’m just so fd up I can only handle small amounts of love. Hope this makes someone who’s dealing with avoidant dismissive type feel a bit less alone. Trust me you don’t deserve what you got but you are strong and worthy of real healthy love!
@princetonshot
5 жыл бұрын
I have avoidant personality disorder and this is SPOT ON. My parents always emotionally neglected me. I was rejected and scolded whenever I ever showed emotion. So now I don't show any emotion at all or get close to people. I avoid emotional intimacy
@BeHisLikeness
6 жыл бұрын
It is very hurtful to be even a "friend" with a dismissive
@KMill-xb3uc
5 жыл бұрын
BeHisLikeness exactly..
@sandrasantiago3009
5 жыл бұрын
True!
@Shay4YourMind81
5 жыл бұрын
So true. I've had a few friends like this, and it makes for a very lonely, one-sided friendship. No more.
@flueepwrien6587
5 жыл бұрын
I am sorry for making the world colder.
@Angelamar819
5 жыл бұрын
But they are 1st to say we can be friends. But never reach out.
@sabreena1khalick
6 жыл бұрын
This was me - my childhood completely neglected. I grew up completely closed off. I didn't even date. I am nearly 50 years old now n only had one proper relationship. I am healing now. Thank you for explaining my childhood. Nu Mindframe you deserve many more subscribers. X.
@talilove2740
6 жыл бұрын
Afraid this will be me...
@vfree4579
5 жыл бұрын
You would think after all those years that he would at least try to change this Behavior. It appears after all these years it's a very good excuse not to work in the relationship because if he works on it he's going to have to place effort.
@MiriamMonroe
6 жыл бұрын
Yes I have been around on this hot and cold Merry Go Round with him too many times. Sometimes you got to break your own heart to save it.
@JustineMfulama
5 жыл бұрын
WOW LOVE THIS VIDEO. The information is so accurate and in-depth. The biggest problem with an anxious attachment style is the idea that they want to be the one 'changing' an emotionally unavailable person by teaching them to open up. However, in a healthy relationship, both partners should come in willing to grow together. THANKS FOR SHARING!
@miraclestivender651
10 ай бұрын
You know how diffcult that was 😢 very challenging. 😢
@carolinelaronda4523
3 жыл бұрын
Not only is this video excellent but this is one of the best comment sections I’ve read with lots of good actual DA personal testimony to help us all understand the inner workings of actual feelings and thoughts the DA has . DAs can be such tricky little mythological creatures it’s so thrilling to get intimate with one on an emotional level . To all the DAs in the comments , doing the work and being vulnerable by opening up , keep up the good work - we need you guys 💜
@zyerrastafford9266
2 жыл бұрын
When you get us on an emotional and intimate level, we truly are the best! Just be patient with us 💛
@mela4082
6 жыл бұрын
i believe this is my attachment style. i become afraid when i have to be vulnerable in relationships due to past trauma. intimacy triggers feelings and memories of abuse, rejection and abandonment. then i become overwhelmed and my emotions freeze. i do this subconsciously (the freezing part). when this happens i can no longer connect to my partner and tend to misinterpret things happening in the relationship. rather than admit that i am the one with the problem i look for external reasons to blame like things my partner does wrong. it gets to the point where i can only feel ok if i am not around them. it truly sucks and i think the only way to heal is to do the work to learn to feel your emotions fully. its not fair to others to withhold love and affection. if you cant be open you have to let people know so they can move on. ive found that when i do open up great things happen and my partners are nothing like the people in my past who rejected me and took advantage of me. i've learned that there are many resources to support your healing. and vulnerability cannot be avoided in the healing process. don't give up!
@IsisChristopher
6 жыл бұрын
Yeah, I have this attachment style, definitely. And it's interesting , I've noticed that I would get scaried, then back away from the relationship. Like, I get scared off when things get too serious or if the person gets too clingy or if I start to feel uncomfortably vulnerable, especially when it triggers me . So I retreat. Into me, cause I'm also an introvert and aquarius. Also, yes my parents didnt let me express my thoughts and emotions as a child. I would literally be punished and yelled at for crying. smh.
@NuMindframe
6 жыл бұрын
I admire you're self awareness. I hope you understand very few people are able to self reflect like you just did💕
@jillbrown8036
5 жыл бұрын
I selfrect.i think many of us do.and I never have pulled away from someone I loved i enjoy my own company I love my alone time I like to selfrect Many of them are highly intelligent like this Aquarius I have Aquarius in my chart plus the abandoned I'm a Pisces.
@jillbrown8036
5 жыл бұрын
That's an Aquarius trait I have Aquarius in my chart Aquarius cusp Cerise in Aquarius "Abanament"im a Pisces and I don't pull away I like my alone time and I don't like the clingy type but I'm open to intimacy I don't like the thought of being controlled or criticized for the way I am .sometimes I fill like I'm more of an AQUARIUS THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THEY ARE MORE INDEPENDENT THEN ME
@denisedoumbia1691
4 жыл бұрын
@@jillbrown8036 I'm An aquarius but I've never been in a relationship so I don't know
@junejones5261
5 жыл бұрын
I used to be in a longterm relationship with a dismissive-avoidant. Spent 17 years before (through my seeking and active healing ) I asked for a divorce. It took him only one night to decide that he wanted it too. Ouch. However, NOW I am actively recognizing how I am in charge of my own happiness! Oh the FREEDOM it brings!! NOW my boundaries are so much HEALTHIER!! Learning how to LOVE myself every day!! Thanks for your video. I found it helpful for creating an even better understanding of what I already understood but didn't have a psychological framework or logical explanation for. Blessings to you!
@larrycork1420
5 жыл бұрын
I think I am dismissive avoidant, if someone gets to close I feel like I cannot breath and I need to get away. I also have trust issues, I think what they want is not me, that they have a hidden agenda.
@larrycork1420
5 жыл бұрын
Thank you, I will try
@AlexG-jm7cd
3 жыл бұрын
Same.
@crazzzeeej
3 жыл бұрын
There's online help. Lookup Thais Gibson on KZitem. She has a wonderful program. You have wounds and damage from the past that needs to be healed and forgiven, otherwise you won't be able to love again. God bless you. I wish you the best.
@redhotsizzle2121
4 жыл бұрын
As a dismissive I can shed light on the Phantom ex phenomenon. My Phantom ex was someone who drew out some kind of an emotional connection, even for a brief period. We cling on to that thought because, in the moment it felt extremely meaningful. For me it was one magical night followed by a 3 month lackluster relationship when I inevitably pulled back and lost the spark we had.
@zyerrastafford9266
2 жыл бұрын
Because deep deep down we do WANT to be loved and feel that intimacy with somebody. And even is DA’s we are human and are going to be attracted to people. It’s the one out of a million that we just feel EVERYTHING for and then intimacy kind of comes a little easier because of that chemistry and the way they make you feel (at least in my experience lol)
@fivebyfive88
6 жыл бұрын
Wow I always knew there was something about my relationship, and I couldn’t exactly figure it out. I’m a pretty sensitive and empathetic person, and my bf is this dismissive type. I always get so annoyed at his attitude and inability to express his emotion, but know about the childhood he’s had and the stuff we’ve both gone through early in life, I try to pull back and sympathize with him. It’s difficult, and after five rocky years, I still feel in my heart were meant for eachother. Through all the fights and fuckups on both ends, he hasn’t discarded me, and I haven’t discarded him. I think we both just have a lot of baggage, both our souls need work, only I’m more prone to seek out help and watch videos like this. Only wish there was some gentle way I could help him too. Thank you so much for your wisdom
@paulmryglod4802
5 жыл бұрын
My long term love and I are similar. She sought self improvement and two years later, I began to do the same. Now that I can express my feelings better, and have opened up emotionally, she has pulled away. It is part of the healing, I guess. It's new to me.
@QuasarFatale
6 жыл бұрын
You described me and my ex! In the beginning he gave me mad attention and I totally fell for him. Then he stopped giving as much attention and I thought he was loosing interest and I ended up sabotaging the relationship. He’s dismissive avoidant and I am anxious preoccupied. Not a good combo, probably good that we broke up. :(
@reneeervin7460
6 жыл бұрын
I just want to seriously thank you for this video. I have spent the last six months trying to understand why my partner suddenly ended our relationship. I have watched many videos and been praying for revelation knowledge to help me to be able to figure out why this happened. As I watched this video-it was like seeing a (re-run) of what I have suffered through. You explained in exact detail of how my breakup went down-but in a way that I could finally put the pieces of the puzzle together. I had never even heard of dismissive avoidant attachment until tonight on another video-which led me to watch your video. It's almost as if I received (closure) in being able to have this explained in depth by you! I appreciate you-and thank you for helping me to finally comprehend the devastation that I have been through. Please continue with these informative videos and God Bless!
@mysticwritr
5 жыл бұрын
Renee Ervin I'm going through this process now. It seems unreal. But the pain, confusion, betrayal, and sadness says it is.
@montelo555
5 жыл бұрын
Damn. I'm a man first of all and I 100% relate to that, the "men don't cry" thing. You just healed most of my attachment trauma with these two videos. Thanks. Your stuff helped me gained some really deeper insights here. :)
@OGKiya
6 жыл бұрын
Thanks for this video. I can't force someone to open up, I'll just accept him for who he is and send him on his way. goodbye.
@sahilkanetkar3832
4 жыл бұрын
I think after my last relationship, where I was brutally massacred by an avoidant, I've become avoidant myself. I had a secured attachment style. No more. The trauma rattled my foundations.
@dannywholuv
Жыл бұрын
Scary i think mine rubbed off on me too. You let their reality become yours. Its always on their terms. You hold back from speaking your emotions because they dont welcome it. Hope you heal from the experience.. 16 months with a DA had me at breaking point
@dee_archives
6 жыл бұрын
you know what i realize watching this, that there may be some of us who find ourselves in both of the more dysfunctional patterns. i identify with both at different stages of my life. when i'm hardcore aquarius i am more dismissive. when i move into being more emotional which is self- taught and learned, i am more attached. watching this i realize that binaries tripped me up. for those who grow up in two parent households, or even parented by multiple care-givers in family units, or even sometimes mentors or teachers etc. we may experience one caregiver who views emotions as weakness, and another caregiver who compensates. this makes sense if we realize that our parents are likely each a set of these. therefore, we are raised by both dysfunctions essentially. this may not be other peoples experiences, but i def see myself in both and earlier in life i was more the dismissive and as i learned to value emotions i leaned towards the other side of the pendulum. anyways, thanks for sharing as always. informative.
@NuMindframe
6 жыл бұрын
dee archives Oh that makes perfect sense! I was raised in a one parent household so I would never thought to look at it through this lens. Thank you!
@empress_highpriestess3307
6 жыл бұрын
People do often play out these differing roles at different periods of their lives or indeed, simply within different relationships, and finally with the same person, each flipping attachment styles of primarily distant or close.. this is described as resulting from attachment and avoidant needs constantly present within people, with one being currently visible while the other is operating in the shadows
@brynja5469
5 жыл бұрын
I recognize myself at both end of the spectrum depending on where the other person is at. If I am dating a guy on the dismissive end of the spectrum I lead to the anxious side and the other way around. It is not that uncommon. My parents were both quite dysfunctional. Avoidant father and anxious mothet
@jillbrown1932
5 жыл бұрын
My mother was never abusive to me but she verbally abused my father, she had mental illness due to her abusive father.her mental illness was no secret. It never a curd to my? I never yelled her?we were more friends then mother and daughter? ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.
@just1desi
4 жыл бұрын
Fearful avoidant is the term for persons moving between Dismissive and avoidant based on relationships and interactions with persons with other styles. They get Dismissive with an anxious partner and are a whole lot more anxious when with a Dismissive Avoidant
@MM-of5po
5 жыл бұрын
Wow, you just explained the last year and a half of the most bewildering, emotionally stressful, isolated & traumatic relationship I have ever been in. Thank you! Now I understand 100% what I knew in my gut all along, this behavior is rooted in his childhood.
@CASchack
5 жыл бұрын
Micah Dawn I just got out of a similar relationship...hopefully for good. The push-pull dynamic and constantly having to walk on eggshells gave me terrible anxiety and made me question my worth.
@ChiniGettinSaucy
2 жыл бұрын
I went through about 2 years of this, well actually 10. Long story short, I had a kid with this dismissive avoidant when I was 19, he got someone else pregnant a month after I gave birth, it broke me to my core. I stayed with him, insecure on my part and longing for that acceptance. He had a clever way of making you not feel good enough and my response was to fight for his affection. Anyways, I ended up moving to Atlanta with our daughter for about four years, I came back, we reconnected, in the beginning it was great, like you said they charm you, show you this perfect person, as time went on it got worst and worst. I got no emotional support from him, he always made me feel crazy for having emotion, he gaslighted me, would compare me to his exes. That was it for me, I left and I feel so relieved now. Always remember your peace of mind and self worth is gold, treat it as such. Don’t let damaged people bring you down with them. Thank you for this video!
@TarotReaderASMR
6 жыл бұрын
You are radiantly beautiful. And the videos you make are a blessing. Thank you so much. :)
@awb139
6 жыл бұрын
Beauty and wisdom go together.
@BuzzyBeeWheeky
5 жыл бұрын
She really is! So adorable.
@studiocorax8790
6 жыл бұрын
I realized early on that my parents could not be trusted, and from that self reliance became a priority, I would even say that I succeeded, I do take care of myself. But ... sharing life with someone else is another story. Not much is needed for a non-negotiable voice pops-up saying "you can't trust her". At times it feels like beeing cursed, at other times I think I will be able to hold that angry little boy, allowing him to cry and kick out all he was not given. I need to investigate further. Thank you for posting this video.
@ChrisTina-ix1ig
6 жыл бұрын
I'm a dismissive. My ex is a dismissive. We had both come out of really bad relationships prior. We thought we were doing good until a petty argument about driving directions led to us breaking up. We both shrugged it off... it sucks but years of witnessing poor integrity of moral character in relationships has cause me to care very little about love. You hit every nail in this video
@adishankaracharya4988
6 жыл бұрын
"We thought we were doing good until a petty argument about driving directions led to us breaking up". Hahahaha. So funny and irrational.
@43cassy
3 жыл бұрын
Self love. Find your soul purpose. Healing is a grieving process. Mourn the old and all of the dead weight, people and outdated ideas you had about love. Change the pathology. Many times, attracting unavailable partners is the Universe way of showing us our own emotional injuries that need healing. Meditate. It will all come together for you soon. Wishing much peace & light!💫
@Stickitohergood1108
3 жыл бұрын
I am dismissive , but It is not intentional ...you are correct on a many points , I do it subconsciously and my ambition going in is never to hurt anyone . But I end up withdrawing when Someone gets too emotionally attached to me , I feel like it’s a matter of time before I fail them , or that I can’t live up to the high expectations of a relationship, so I usually destroy it before the feelings progress to far . It’s unfortunate, and it’s not done maliciously , I am perfectly fine with platonic relationships, in fact I enjoy them ... but romantic love both intimidates and sometimes even repulses me once I realize what’s at stake . So knowing that I am like this I’ve decided to stop dating people , and just go for friendships ... I don’t want to hurt anyone else , so it’s better to just be to myself . I am a charming person naturally , and overall kind in every other aspect of my social dealings with people ..It’s so bizarre
@dannywholuv
Жыл бұрын
Why not work on yourself to become secure? You've done the first step in recognising the problem which alot of DAs choose to ignore. Its not good for anyone.
@unterdessen8822
Жыл бұрын
@@dannywholuv How are you going to fix brain damage, that happened to you when you were a baby? And we're talking about actual physical damage here: Trauma effs up your biochemistry. It influences the development of a part of the brain, that is called the amygdala. Mental issues like autism, depression, PTSD, phobias and the inability to emotionally assess a situation are results of this - and you can't regrow or repair your amgydala once it's scarred. You can treat certain problems like depression with medication, that fixes the biochemical malfunctions, but to fix your whole behavioural setup, that you've had from breastfeeding age on...? I don't think it's possible, and if it is, it's not just as easy as snapping your fingers.
@dannywholuv
Жыл бұрын
@@unterdessen8822 that sounds a bit damning for an attachment style. There is hope - ive moved from AP to secure over time. For a DA to change it might be harder, like learning a new language. The work involved its maybe overwhelming for some so they don't bother
@Daveybaby2888
Жыл бұрын
Just because it’s a friendship doesn’t mean you won’t hurt them after they fall for you, and you show more interest
@nicolesurles-barnes2448
5 жыл бұрын
This is so hard to hear as an anxious preoccupied/avoidant but Ima keep watching because I really need to heal especially from this last relationship
@iamwarrior4708
3 жыл бұрын
same here
@madisonwhite3610
3 жыл бұрын
wow this has really opened my eyes to the fact that I AM dismissive. The best way I can describe this attachment style in my personal experience is I dissociate when things get tough, I know I should do or say something but I just get this feeling that is beyond emptiness, I know i should care but I just... don’t. I know it hurts my partner because I tell him I want to be alone but when he leaves I will get so angry and feel betrayed. I often feel that I want something specific from the people close to me but if I tell them what that thing is I no longer want it because I want it to be ‘from the heart.’ Watching this video really made me realize that I AM the problem and it stems from never feeling like I could count on my family emotionally. People even if you had what most would deem ‘a good childhood’ doesn’t mean you can’t have suffer tremendously in that same breath.
@kelleythorrington4820
6 жыл бұрын
This is honestly one of the best videos I've ever watched and hugely helpful. Thank you so so much xx
@kennedymaxwell5405
4 жыл бұрын
i am a dismissive avoidant and a lot of this i agree with. i will also say though that this is a spectrum so some people are very dismissive, some are in the middle and some are a low dismissive. for me personally in my teenage years i was very against emotions and i didn’t like people who were too emotional and they made me feel uncomfortable. when i went to college and i met my roommate from the beginning we had a lot of emotional conversations mainly from her end but even then still i was just a bit uncomfortable. over the two years that we lived together i have grown so much in connecting with my emotions because i was starting to feel like i didn’t have them and that scared me. and i didn’t really at that time understand where it was stemming from. but i beginning to realize that it was coming from my childhood and the lack of love i got from my mom and the absence of my father. i will say that we can definitely push those who we really love away from us because that’s what i did with my roommate and i haven’t even realized it until i watched this video. also for me personally i noticed that i attracted a lot of men who were emotionally unavailable. but we attract what we are and we accept the love we think we deserve. and i think for people who are dealing with someone who is dismissive avoidant please be aware of this and decide if that is something you want to support your partner in. because at the end of the day you can’t heal them but you can be there and hold space while they heal themselves. so be understanding and let them know that their emotions and real and valid and that it is okay and 100% human to feel. but also know your own worth!
@dr.dermixgirlmd7479
5 жыл бұрын
Wow, girl you just broke down the last 6 years with this man. Thank you!!!!!
@drmaqueen280
6 жыл бұрын
i relate to everything you said. this video really helped confirm and uncover things i did not know about myself. everything you said also applies to friendships, especially close ones
@lenazoni1
6 жыл бұрын
Wow. Hits home. I dated a woman with this attachment style. I loved her very much and she left me. The more she pulled away the more I panicked and acted out to try and get close to her. The more I gave, the less she did, the more anxious I got the farther she’d pull away. I wonder if I will ever get another chance with her...❤️. Thank you.
@heathergonzales1243
6 жыл бұрын
Zoni20 I have the same experience and question as you? Did you ever get another chance? Did you do NC? How did you respond when she pulled away? Did you cling and poor your heart to her?
@littleredhen8205
5 жыл бұрын
Thank the universe; you dodged a bullet.
@keylove3189
5 жыл бұрын
The Universe nudged me to your channel. I really needed to hear your wisdom. Thank You! ❤
@moeperk81
3 жыл бұрын
I'm a secure attachment and soon to be divorced to a DA. It's so scary how accurate this video is she even didn't want to date me at first because she didn't like the way I ate.... I've been totally shut out without provocation. One minute we're cool and cordial, the next we aren't. She won't respond to any of my messages and has gone through great lengths to "disappear". There's usually a period she completely shuts down. Anyone else going through this has to constantly remind yourself not to take it personal which is really difficult at times. Do yourself a favor and try to just move forward especially if the person isn't willing to try and put in the work.
@rr8913
5 жыл бұрын
Birth control should be given rampantley given and shamelessly free.....
@Selidbr
5 жыл бұрын
why?
@justinmontagne6543
4 жыл бұрын
Birth control killed love and has made dating the cesspool it is today....
@natureshorts6657
6 жыл бұрын
Avoidant here. My fear is not so much being abandoned but rather being smothered or "enmeshed." I had an extremely overbearing mother who tried to control every aspect of my life all the time. I literally had to lock my bedroom door at night to keep her from coming into my room when I slept, and she would seek me out anywhere I was in the house to try to control whatever I was doing. Sometimes I would just go drive somewhere and cry and sit there for hours because of how horrible it was to be "home." It's been extremely difficult for me to ever have a serious relationship with someone because I'm afraid they'll start to try to control my life like my mom. I suppose that is a form of abandonment since the person no longer actually cares about love but only cares about control... I am working on changing and becoming more secure, but I do still find most people to be weak and clingy. HAVING to rely on yourself because your parents are of no use makes you extremely self-reliant, capable, and tough. Those are not necessarily bad things. What I would like in a partner is someone who can take care of themselves MOST of the time who also HAS A LIFE outside of the relationship. From my perspective, the anxious-preoccupied types meet neither of those criteria. It is important to be able to take care of yourself and have a life regardless of attachment style. Really appreciate your videos. Thanks. :)
@sunnc
4 жыл бұрын
NatureShorts I feel you. You’re not alone
@lizh1970
Жыл бұрын
Iam the same I've had to become self reliant , I've dealt with every adverse life event on my own with little or no support . I have met people who have wanted to spent most of if not all of their time with me , and have met friends who have just winged and don't realise you have enough on your own plate . I am not an avoidant and don't change who iam when in a relationship, but can sniff an avoidant out immediately. An avoidant seems to be not fully present . I like to have my own space and time for my own interests . I think looking for a relationship as you have nothing else going on is wrong , you are expecting someone else to fulfil your life which is going to come across as clingy and needy .
@Sarah-ft8jr
5 жыл бұрын
Wow I’m impressed. This is the ONLY video I have ever watched that explains my relationship with my partner EXACTLY. Thank you this has helped me so much!
@babytboo1
6 жыл бұрын
You really don’t understand how much I look forward to and love your videos ❤️
@NuMindframe
6 жыл бұрын
Victoria Shembo Thanks for watching, love💖
@drislady
5 жыл бұрын
Agreed
@jaraijalloh22
2 жыл бұрын
you literally hit the nail on the head! i genuinely used to think i was weird for feeling the way i feel in relationships, but now i can properly identify my issues and try to do better
@murieloduro1274
5 жыл бұрын
It’s true, being in love means trusting the other person, if you grow up neglected you learn to not trust.
@toniechantelh9615
6 жыл бұрын
I totally agree with you sistah! Keep up the good work! I actually experienced Men like this three times my whole life...and to be honest it's really put a strain on my heart and life...It truly sucks dealing with Men like this.💔
@salemzarves
6 жыл бұрын
Im a female who is dismissive avoidant, Anger is not easy to keep to myself. I have also experienced that when expressing emotion all i get is resentment, loathing, people taking advantage of it, or just making people feel uncomftorble , so i keep them to myself. As a child i was also rejected a lot and ended up rejecting people I was also a subject of custody battles and caregivers were interchangable and only caring for me out of obligation. i leanred to love lonliness becasue when i was lonley or alone i could actually express myself and being rejected no longer hurt me emotionally(or at least it was not as painful from getting used to it), I also avoid getting into romantic relationships, If i do happen to get involved in one, i leave pretty quick. to me happiness is only temporary and often fleeting. I hate narcisists quite passionatly, my loathing for them is very strong, hatred always seems to have a way with me more than love. in a positive sense love can mean having a general sense of appreciation or admiration for someone even if you are never really emotionally close to them or feel anything passionate. I still question love or when someone if they tell me they love me i will wonder what they want
@Sapph1r1ne
6 жыл бұрын
Zaleplonodim Tartonite thank you for sharing this
@dgpfile
6 жыл бұрын
Why do you think you hate narcissists so much?
@appetite4chic878
5 жыл бұрын
Wow, you’ve completely hit the nail on the head. I clicked on this video so fast because I’m in the process of examining my trauma and healing. I’m extremely charming and flirty, but I had a guy tell me he didn’t know how to read me and that I was cold. It was totally subconscious and I had no idea. I was even told by my best friend that I didn’t know how to properly give a hug. Recently, I’ve really been trying to figure out why I’m this way and why I always attract dismissive guys. I realized this is a direct result of my childhood as you stated. I was raised in a single parent household. Crazy part is I love men, but I have to heal myself before I can attract the type I deserve
@chocolate_cosmos
2 жыл бұрын
I know that this is an old comment. I don't know how to give a proper hug; I cringe at basic physical affection. Growing up I wasn't shown /given affection (physical, emotional and verbal). There were no "I love you"; I don't even say the word "love".
@miathyra
5 жыл бұрын
We're all damaged to some degree, but what I hate is when someone is not actively trying to work on their issues and heal. I know I'm effed up, I'm fearful-avoidant but I've been working SO hard on myself for so many years and I'm finally seeing some progress. It's unfortunate that I still self-sabotage so much though. I just cut a dismissive-avoidant out of my life. Took me SEVEN YEARS. Blocking, unblocking, reaching out and then being ghosted, rinse and repeat. I want to bang my head on the wall for putting up with that person's crap for so long and hoping that they would change. And I'm the single one...lol. Thank god for therapy.
@toriglasscock123
5 жыл бұрын
I needed this. My husband lost both of his parents at 12 and then 17. To me its obvious why he is the way that he is. I'm an empath and feel everything deeply and can see the big picture (majority of the time) and can see why he's emotionally unavailable because he experienced the biggest losses at such a pivotal age. So he shut down and I'm the complete opposite. I talk about my feelings, he listens but wont talk about his. He went to counseling and surprisingly it got better. So they're not lost causes. I was scared he was a narcissist in the beginning but now I see it's not that. He is just scared to lose someone again. But he's working on it. We're all broken in someway. I'm patient with him because he's patient with me. I grew up in a narcissistic household so I'm broken in many different ways. But we're working on ourselves separately because we love each other and know we're broken and can't fix each other (even though my first impulse is to fix everything. Lol)
@ChristopherAguilar
5 жыл бұрын
YOU ARE AMAZING! You described my relationship to my ex to a T and have helped me find so much closure. So thankful for you!
@melissahernandez9999
3 жыл бұрын
It hurts so much to be with a man like this.
@constancasilva4674
3 жыл бұрын
My boyfriend is dismissive avoidant. I love him but I’m getting really tired of the way he treats me sometimes. I’ve realized that I have anxious attachment and I’m working on it. But the fact that he doesn’t want to change makes me feel hopeless about the relationship. The logical thing to do would be just breaking up, but I hold on to him so much that I just settle in hopes he’ll change someday...
@AlexG-jm7cd
3 жыл бұрын
@Beccmatic IsAtiT The key is, dismissives don't want you to put 1000% in the relationship. Pretend like you don't really care/emotionally attached to them, they're gonna be all over you because they think that range is secure enough to show love. Once you pass the line, you are no longer a trusted individual. So keep your feet before the line. It is all unconscious, because dismissives think when YOU are being distant, it is safe to finally express their love. When you demand too much, they back off. When you keep your feet before the line, they feel safe and don't see you as a potential threat. I am a dismissive myself and didn't know that i have issues until a year ago. I'm working on myself though, not all dismissives are narcissists.
@hb7967
2 жыл бұрын
@@AlexG-jm7cd 100% agree with you. I am dating a DA. Initially I was putting lot of efforts because that's my nature but then it kinda pushed him away. Good thing is he is open about all these things he feels (characters of a DA) so I stopped putting too much efforts. And I got to see a different face. He came around, was showing so much love and even introduced me to his siblings. But he is scared of commitment. Any advice on that?
@j.a.1239
4 жыл бұрын
My partner is dismissive so I’ve been listening to a lot of videos to try and understand. This is by far the best video I’ve seen. Thank you.
@realSimoneCherie
3 жыл бұрын
I can't believe how accurate you've got this.... I was NEVER aware my spouse was distant before we were married. My dismissive spouse was raised by a grandparent. A loving one, but not like modern, t.v. sitcom kinda love. More like the, "well, I feed you, I clothe you, so of course, I love you...." kind. Never cried. Always looked at her like an alien if she cried, said "crying changes nothing." Grew up desperate to please the grandparent with perfect behavior. Is now emotionally distant/avoidant, and hyper-critical of people close. Her mother is an alcoholic and abandoned her, and she has deep abandonment issues.
@777.molove
4 жыл бұрын
I never realized it but I think that I'm a dismissive based off of your descriptions. I noticed that it is really easy for me to cut people off no matter how "close" we might be, it takes me a while to claim people as friends, and I never fully attach to people. the deactivating strategies thing hit hard for me bc I tend to focus on little imperfections and constantly remind myself that I can't completely trust or confide in other people. this is definitely based on my childhood experiences bc my mother was very emotionally abusive and neglectful. your point about only doing this to ppl who the dismissive cares about is also spot on for me. I tend to feel very comfortable confiding in absolute strangers but then I feel like I am physically incapable of being vulnerable with close loved ones. However, I don't do those toxic things like getting the person jealous, neglecting their emotions, etc. I listen to other people's problems and nurture them, but the dismissiveness comes out when it pertains to my own emotions. This video was so helpful and really allowed me to reflect upon myself and my behavior. Great job!
@Moniranan
5 жыл бұрын
I'm dismissive. In my last relationship I met a guy with secure attachment style, I decided I had to break with my partner because I was seeing signs that he wasn't that into me (Inside my head, I didn't told or asked anything to him) I decided to tell him I couldn't keep it anymore. He told me he liked me and asked me to stay. We continued until one month later, were I broke with him again one week before I even told him. I was feeling very connected, too much connected, I absolutely panicked. I cried a lot, had panic attacks, for me it was obvious I was being rejected, and when I felt secure again, I wanted him back. It's horrible, my heart is broken as much as his is, and I don't want to go back because I will do it again, and I can't console him because I'm the source of his pain. Absolute garbage.
@melanieblackwell1901
5 жыл бұрын
“When people have sons-“ ALREADY KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING!
@Itsjustebele
3 жыл бұрын
she opened up the books with this one
@lolaweed7467
Жыл бұрын
The deactivation phase is very similar to a narcissist emotional discard. Heartbreaking to be on the receiving end. My Avoidant ex deactivated for 4 months - I’m now on anxiety medication NEVER AGAIN!
@spockboy
5 жыл бұрын
I was a co-dependent living with a dismissive. Loved her very much, still do in a lot of ways and she loved me too, as much as she possibly could I think. Her parents were extremely distant. They never held hands, kissed, embraced or even touched each other on the shoulder. At heart she is a wonderful, independent, smart and sexy woman. Any man would be proud to be with her, but I was with her for all the wrong reasons. You are a very bright young lady, and you're using your gifts to benefit others. Well done!
@nefiseHphotography
6 жыл бұрын
Great video and so well articulated, thank you. I could relate to the experience I’ve had with an avoidant/dismissive partner and especially the deactivating strategies, the push pull dynamic, the walls they put up and the hidden vulnerability.
@sofiarhiannonkeefe3982
5 жыл бұрын
this is crazy listening to a video explaining my attachment style cuz I thought I was anxious preoccupied. I later on realized that because of the amount of feelings I have, it makes me feel anxious and worry about being too clingy with the person I am with.. so I end up suppressing any feelings outwardly and I make it seem like I have this hard shell around me, sometimes I act uninterested, sometimes I ignore for days, but really all im doing underneath is just writhing in anxiety. but I think the part that truly made me realize I was avoidant was that once that person did something to hurt me(however small it might be) whether intentional or not, I immediately felt an urge to cut myself off emotionally in addition to the outward detachment. All of my deepest friendships (mind u I call these people only my friends) ended because of my inability to communicate emotions, and my problem with closing up immediately after sensing the tiniest bit of danger to my ego. its kinda sad
@ariamontgomery2561
3 жыл бұрын
I am not fully done watching your video but I felt like sharing my side as an dismissive avoidant. I started to question my attachment style like a year ago when I dated a looot. I noticed that I tend to do exactly the things you mentioned in the video to avoid intimacy. I never used those strategies on purpose but I did and I still feel bad for hurting people because of the fear of being vulnerable or being seen (by myself) as weak. I kind of quit dating cause I will probably keep follow the same pattern. It sucks because I want to love but I know that it will result in a loose loose situation because of my fear of intimacy. I just wanted to share my thoughts and I think the only thing that will truly help is therapy. Have a nice day peeps!
@nannyboo9832
Жыл бұрын
This is one of the best videos on dismissive avoidant behaviors. It’s so painful to deal with one. It’s truly rejection and abandonment constantly…
@godfearingal
4 жыл бұрын
Honestly, everything that you said in this video came off really shocking to me. I could never comprehend nor found the answers to my behaviour/actions but you literally read me like a book. Dismissives never intend to hurt anyone for their ego and they just feel the need to run AWAY from commitment because they’re so afraid of getting hurt. Everything that you said, from the beginning to the end, has accurately expressed the heart of a MAJOR dismissive that is incapable of any meaningful relationship since the break up with the “phantom ex”.
@ashleysartattack5600
6 жыл бұрын
I had a friends with benefits guy exactly like this. It was such a shame to me. And we did see each other on and off for about a year and a half. So he did let me in a little bit, and then would ghost me again. I can completely understand why he developed this way of being as a child. He was one of 10 kids. So I can’t imagine being able to receive love from parents when there are that many kids to worry about. He threw his energy into his career. And just like you said, he blindsided me where I thought everything was great. And then he was like, I shouldn’t talk to you anymore. And much later he explained that basically it was because he started catching feelings for me. And I completely healed by myself and moved on, and am currently in a wonderful relationship. But to my surprise, a couple months ago, he actually contacted me and apologized for how he was with me and said all these nice things. I can tell that he really did want love, but he was just terrified of it. And it’s a shame. But I’m past those games in my life. I chalked it up to him being too young and immature. And it was clear that I wanted a real relationship, and he didn’t. His fear just made him stick right where he was at with women.
@zosiab1742
6 жыл бұрын
Damn this hit me right in the feels.
@sierrajohnson7601
4 жыл бұрын
This is my first time commenting on youtube because this is the first video that has shown me why I act the way I do. After watching you video I realized what my problem has been all this time. Almost everything you said can apply to me I am an only child. Growing up, my dad had a bad temper and he was not there due to work throughout my young life. My mother was anxious, over-protective, and smothering and it drove me crazy. She got cancer when I was eight, I moved overseas to Saudi Arabia (my dad worked at an oil company)and I my life in the US was gone. I started life on an American compound and adjusted well enough, but my anxiety was just starting to kick in. I moved to a Swiss boarding school when I was 14, but my social anxiety kicked in pretty bad and I didn't make/maintain relationships. I moved to Massachusetts for college and that's when darker issues kicked in. I went to two rehab facilities that summer. I've been diagnosed with everything, depression, anxiety, add, bpd, and even borderline, but nothing ever stuck. I've been to countless therapists and doctors, and no medication that has been given to me has ever helped. During my second yr of college I got my first stable boyfriend and he was the best thing that ever happened to me. For a year and a half I dated him and everything was great at first. but he became too clingy and needy. I just broke up with my boyfriend and I know that it's probably for the best because our relationship was miserable. I am Dismissive and he is avoidant. He was always craving more physical affection and I would get so angry and push him away.Now I know why I acted this way, after reflecting on my past, I have a clearer understanding of this flaw. Thank you. :)
@lasilisal
4 жыл бұрын
When I am trying to get over my ex-fiance, I think about how he would become very cruel and very cold to the point where I couldn't believe he was defending his behavior. And when I called him out and asked him to stop, he said that "it was like I was talking about another person". He was so skilled and so trained for so many years at being dismissive and avoidant and putting up walls, he didn't even see the impact of his actions. In his mind somehow he was still being a good or kind person? This is the most pain I have ever felt in my life. Your normal emotions and asking for normal reassurance that any human will need is met with a blank face and making you out to be super needy. How hard it is to be constantly invalidated on so many levels. SO sad, for both people. I am very grateful for the secure attachment style relationships I have experienced because it is very validating to me during this hard time. I am deeply empathetic to all of you.
@razvanyke
4 жыл бұрын
I fall very much into the Dismissive Avoidant category and it is shocking for me how good you describe all the characteristics, from pushing partners away to the relationship with the parent. It is scary but also nice to know that you do know what you are talking about, thank you.
@Theefashionchilld
6 жыл бұрын
I think that this kind of behaviour comes from the childhood a person had the way your mom and your that treated you is going to affect the way your going to act later with people. Your parents really sets the tone it seems crazy but I learned that when I was 19 years old and it has helped me a lot to know where it came from I’m still healing but I feel way better now
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