I avoid getting close to people because I don't trust myself, I don't know if my feelings will change.
@bad.chickie66
3 ай бұрын
If someone withdraws without explanation it doesn’t make you BPD wtf lol
@charlesbromberick4247
5 жыл бұрын
… "and it starts all over again" … That´s it in a nutshell - well done, John.
@arabastian3771
4 жыл бұрын
It's a nice day to start again!
@Serena-h5b
Ай бұрын
It's mainly about relationship in this video. I want to see more about the negative impact on career and identity.
@issaastra
5 ай бұрын
Well, this explaind more than 100 things i watched and read about bordeline relationships
@veronicawilliams6670
3 ай бұрын
Very important explanation! Thank you
@woodedsoul
Жыл бұрын
What would be the situation where the person does NOT want the self harm to be discovered because it works to dissociate still, but everything else fits?
@onemoreyear9657
2 жыл бұрын
"You are drowning and I am here to save you but you have to stop panicking and thrashing about cause I am not drowning with you". Jordan Peterson
@Sommyie
20 күн бұрын
I'm self diagnosed autistic, with real testing in a couple weeks, and my soon to be ex has BPD and it's impossible to be around. What is one conversation then turns into 1000 reasons why I'm bad if she did something. We had an argument the other night that started as her not wanting to hear about the game, but never offering other topic to talk about, and turned into me never being the caring partner I seemingly once was and that she had to sleep with a light on at night. Tf? So... I said I cannot sleep with a light, which isn't a new topic or idea, and attempted to work out a compromise, but she just cried and cried and cried. I then just gave in and said OK and rolled over too. As I was then getting settled, I remembered I had a face mask at her house (I never really used it) and attempted to sleep with it. I made it about 5 hours before i woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Awake, I keep thinking I could just turn off the lights, but the immense feeling of fear came over me as I didn't want that previous conversation to come up incase she woke up. After about an hour, I got up and left to my house. As I was getting ready, she woke up and asked why I was up. I, admittedly upset, said it was because of the light and that I couldn't sleep and I was just going to head to work. She then said I could have just turned off the light. I told her I couldn't do that after what she said earlier , and then I left. After a few hours, she texted me saying I could have just turned off the light or said no to the light at all. She also thought I was fine with it because of the face mask. I explained that the maak wasn't even in my mind prior to giving up and remembering and that it was unfair to bring up. I said that I tried to offer alternative light sources, like a lamp, but none of them were and less bright. She then said I never said no to the light and that I could have. Oh, I'm sorry, what part of "I can't sleep with a light" translates into "I consent to the light " and not "No." Never again. If I even catch a tinge of BPD, I'm leaving any future partners ASAP. Unreal.
@edgreen8140
2 жыл бұрын
Alexithymia, identity diffusion and engulfment /abandonment anxiety. With a good consistant therapist this will be reduced (favorite person). Needing validation. Dbt and various rx can help. Naloxone can stop the pleasurable feeling after cutting or other self harm activities.
@iamthatiam44444
5 ай бұрын
I decided 20 years ago to just stay single and alone. Since then, I have grown so much because I have time and space to look deeper n deeper into myself. I do pai-dah to drive out the trapped emotions, then allow them to be, and then release them with love no matter what it is.
@valeriemcknight5608
4 жыл бұрын
It's a vicious cycle isn't it. My husband's ex-wife has suffered from BPD all her adult life and except for the cutting/self-harm stuff this explains her to a tee. After years of harassing us she seems to have calmed down and I hope she's found a good therapist like you who can help her understand why she ruined her marriage and get her onto the path to recovery and healthy self-esteem.
@qaissamkari5302
4 жыл бұрын
Did he divorce her?
@valeriemcknight5608
4 жыл бұрын
@@qaissamkari5302 He did, but she was the one who initiated the separation, very suddenly and without warning, on New Year's Day. She'd seen a lawyer secretly to put the paperwork together so needless to say it came as a BIG shock. After a couple of years of her harassing him to reconcile he'd had enough and initiated the divorce.
@qaissamkari5302
4 жыл бұрын
@@valeriemcknight5608 many borderliners are irrational with their behaviour in different ways. I personally was married to one. I (initiated) divorced her, she dated a guy two months after the start of the divorce process. And a month later after her being with the new guy, she called me telling me that she doesn't know what to say but she doesn't think she will ever forget me or stop thinking about me. but she doesn't want to come back right now. I really do not get it? Do they always first value and end up with devaluing everyone? and will she ever come back to me?
@valeriemcknight5608
4 жыл бұрын
@@qaissamkari5302 Sounds like she's weighing her options. If the new guy doesn't work out she wants to keep a foot in the door with you because Borderlines will always "hoover", i.e. after treating you horribly (devaluing and discarding) they'll do everything they can to suck you back into a relationship. My advice is don't fall for it otherwise you'll be back into the old cycle of idealize, devalue and discard.
@qaissamkari5302
4 жыл бұрын
@@valeriemcknight5608 Thank you for answering my question! I just want to ask you this last one: So if your saying borderlines always hoover you does that mean they always discard any person after they idealize them even if they were good towards them? like will they always discard the person they will start their relationship with even if they are really nice?
@phoebe7534
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this amazing content
@svenfernandes
6 ай бұрын
diagnosed with bpd: Great description John.
@MNJGaGa
6 жыл бұрын
Sums it up.
@tomplay6017
Жыл бұрын
It is a constant cicle of like to being born, and than to die again. The pain is there, always, happines rarely.
@Jellybeanisme
Ай бұрын
I totally get that many of you have had really tough experiences with people who have BPD, and it's important to talk about those feelings. But please, let's avoid generalizing or calling all people with BPD monsters. Many of them have faced serious trauma and struggle with a lot of guilt-they didn't choose this, and they can't help it. To non-BPD folks who had to deal with some abusive BPD partners, I’m not dismissing your pain-just asking you to be mindful of how you express it. Hurtful comments can have a huge impact, especially for those with BPD who might already be feeling low. Your words could be the tipping point for someone who's fighting their own demons. This is a video about mental health, so BPD folks are probably reading these comments. Please share your experiences, but let’s do it in a way that’s kind and respectful. Your words matter, so let’s make sure they lift people up rather than bring them down. Thanks for understanding and reading my comment. ❤
@thehawk1138
3 ай бұрын
I lived with this for 4.5 years...
@mrfake675
4 жыл бұрын
If you're not prepared it's a hand grenade to the psyche.
@Bozpeep
4 ай бұрын
So true! I was with someone who I believe had BPD. He ended up leaving the planet about seven months later. I did not know what was wrong with him and he would not tell me what he was diagnosed with. So terribly sad because we in the beginning had a really good love!
@mrfake675
4 ай бұрын
I @@Bozpeep I believe it. Sorry for your loss.
@KJean-tv4dg
5 жыл бұрын
My Mother took care of my physical needs expertly, but I never felt loved. I constantly chased her approval and affection. I'm now married to someone I truly love, but who is very distant and oftentimes extremely critical.
@ZemplinTemplar
4 жыл бұрын
:-(
@Vixyvix01
3 жыл бұрын
It was only after my mum's death did I realized that she never once, in the 20 years that we had together did she hug, kiss or say that she loved me. *But* I now acknowledge that she had her own problems that caused this and her issues are not mine to carry the rest of my life and it was a relief to finally be able to put them down thanks to DBT.
@ElaineChow
3 жыл бұрын
Me too…my mom always said she loved me, but I never really felt it. I used to either hate or love her sporadically. I never believe anyone who says they say they love me.
@ПОЧИНЮКУКУХУ
7 ай бұрын
I can relate. I had clean cloths and food on the table, but I was invisible in a spititual sense.
@mjremy2605
5 ай бұрын
This is a poignant and eloquent film series. So true. I have CPTSD which is very similar in symptoms. How sad we can send people to the moon and back but fail at bringing up children normally.
@liit_one8800
Жыл бұрын
My goal is to understand BPD to be able to help my girlfriend and to be able to cope with the things that come with it
@abolisher
Жыл бұрын
I would say one thing run!!! It’s not worth it man just watch eventually she’ll lose feelings randomly ghost you say she only wants to be friends.
@taevionsmelanin8345
10 ай бұрын
@@abolisherThis erases any type of individuality. Just because you probably went through that with a past partner does not mean this person will. The second you realize people with mental disorders aren’t a monolith is the moment you gain some empathy for those actually struggling with their disorder their own damn selves.
@abolisher
10 ай бұрын
@@taevionsmelanin8345 Mental health is VERY important in any relationship I can’t stress this enough.
@millyardopeacecraft9778
Жыл бұрын
Fancy way of saying those with BPD are simply emotional immature perpetual toddlers. I don't like any body who deals with this. Only love and respect to survivors of those who have had to deal with the nightmare that are these people.
@amitsalaskar1024
Жыл бұрын
all other youtube videos apart .. this man explained it all in 2:55 mins.. people who love them will forever have a story of an unrequited love .. moreso a story that they will never cld put a specific ending to.
@zvezdalion
4 сағат бұрын
I used to think that what he describes as "exclusivity of relationship" is the normal romantic love. And when I wasn't getting it from others, I assumed they don't love me or this is not the right person. Maybe real love is way more prosaic than romantic movie love, and I just never knew better, and learnt it the hard way :(
@dominicellis6185
Жыл бұрын
Bpd in relationships is really hard - my relationship is going very well but only because I am very self aware of it and my partner is incredible - I’ve had relationships before that were nothing like this. But the narrative of bpd forming from a cycle of over investment in relationships doesn’t chime with me. I was exceptionally good at masking and no one even knew I had depression until I told them, although a couple suspected. I always struggled with knowing my life was exceptionally privileged and yet I felt so profoundly in pain - my parents were supportive in everything, they were progressive, I never experience trauma and they dedicated a lot of their lives to me. I would be very interested if there’s any causal evidence to this narrative or if it’s just a conjectural rationalisation of the consequences of so called “bpd”; as it seems entirely possible that this occurs at a more subtle level and people in this bracket manifest themselves through relationships like this. There’s also an interesting question about whether it is “our fault” or not for our mood swings. On one level, of course it isn’t, we don’t control it. Yet no one controls their mood swings. I think philosophically that we ARE our so called “bpd” and we have to accept that, it’s not something external to us and treating it so relies on an impossible idea of the “normal human”. That doesn’t mean we’re dicks right; the bar for effective social interaction in the long term is perhaps higher for us than others, but that’s a systematic issue of neurotypical heuristics in culture, and so the burden is, at this current moment, on us and our loved ones to form a new type of relationship where our divergent sense of self and mood swings are accommodated to maximise the love we’re capable of. Whether that is an imperative for collective action on social advocacy I’ll let you decide, but the fact is is that bpd people clearly struggle with conventionally defined relationships, and going more fundamental and asking what each of us want from a relationship, while often immensely difficult, has at least worked for me. But then I’m with an aro autistic girl so straight culture isn’t so much an issue xo
@abolisher
Жыл бұрын
Good luck is all I’m going to say
@squishy8758
Жыл бұрын
Currently living with an abusive partner that has bpd. He started therapy. If it works then I'll be happy. If nothing changes between us then I'll leave.
@mishathefloyder
Жыл бұрын
Made that decision last week, almost killed me in rage driving Still love him, but that's not healthy and I hope I will fill this emptiness one day
@mattyb584
Ай бұрын
Nobody really understands just how damaging someone with BPD can be until they date them, and that's coming from someone with BPD.
@TJ-kk5zf
Жыл бұрын
just run
@nyckae8587
11 ай бұрын
So....everything i dealt with was a lie?
@Martha-LaMexa
9 күн бұрын
I had to leave my husband of 6 years. I gave him chance after chance and he just couldn’t stop hurting us. Lies and more lies. I loved him so much and wanted to be with him more than anything in the world. There came a point when I knew he wasn’t going to change. As much as we want things to work out with them and for them.. we can’t do anything if they don’t want to change. It’s just too deeply rooted.
@maxtew6521
Жыл бұрын
"I turned my feelings off It made me untouchable for life" - Britt Daniel I'm done with all of this. I don't need no woman. I don't need validation. Just enough to buy my '78 280z with a small block Chevy and enough smokes for the day. So long, gnashing of teeth.
@jeffersondelira2706
Жыл бұрын
I'm starting to talk to a girl that has BPD and TBH it's hard to see her mad/sad and all I want for her is to be ok then she gets mad at me trying to look out for her and I've done so much for her in such a short amount of time. It truly makes me think about how do I work around this and with her. But she doesn't make me feel better when I am getting yelled at or given attitude.
@anatole2478
Жыл бұрын
I know that she's very likely to be one of the most beautiful interesting people you met... But she'll end up destroy you. No matter what you give her will never be enough., she'll be a bottomless pit where you throw all the love, care, sacrifices selflessness you can until you fall in it and this is the moment when she'll just tell you that she doesn't give a fuck and will try to date the guy she's been cheating on you with....
@jeffersondelira2706
Жыл бұрын
@@anatole2478 exactly man 💯% facts
@anatole2478
Жыл бұрын
@@jeffersondelira2706 just words from a guy who's now broken, in the pit, and rotting along with the skeletons of all her exes around me, hoping that at some point the pestilence will be so great that whoever approches her will know that she's just the place where gullible innocents are lured, fall and die... So, your first post comment was 4 months ago., you got some update?
@Gekke_Gerrit94
Жыл бұрын
@@anatole2478damn bro, i dont know you but i want you to know. I've been there myself and i feel you man. We gotta be strong, its a fucked up world out there and some woman are totally insane. We men must support one another where we can. All the best to you man and keep your head up, your time will come and the right person is waiting for you its just a matter of time
@pratikwagh11111
Жыл бұрын
@@Gekke_Gerrit94your comment lifted me up man...thanks mate....btw this world is fucked up indeed
@kiyo6436
Ай бұрын
I hate that every comment under this video is, “do not be with someone with bpd.” While I know very well that it is not easy, it can be so rewarding. Yes, there are moments where you feel like you are being done in an unjust way but then there are moments where everything is incredible. Bpd is not unlovable. In my eyes, most of these people lack the compassion and patience. If you truly love them, a big part of it is adapting and meeting their needs.
@thepuzzlemaker3012
3 ай бұрын
Although the analysis is correct, placing the whole blame on the BPD is not. In other words, the analysis is one-sided. All people have demons and the tendency is for matching demons to meet. In other words, the BPD's partner very likely has personality traits that enable the mutual chaos. The blame is shared. I suppose the only chance for a BPD is to become aware of their flaws, learn to recognize triggers and do their best to tame those demons. Also recognize partners who get the worst out of them and so choose their relationship more wisely and carefully.
@Katherine_xs
Жыл бұрын
I have very bad trust issues and been very lonely in my teens and I tend to reject people before they reject me bcz in very sensitive so Idk if I have BPD but im similar in a lot of ways
@taylamoore9543
Ай бұрын
The feeling of badness and turning it into physical pain i feel is highly misunderstood. Everyone thinks its for attention but the dynamic is completely different. Feeling like youve done aomething wrong, wronged somebody or shaming yourself is not something we want to do, its automatic. And so i spend my life trying to find someone that can rid me of these feelings and then become far too clingy to them even though thats not my intention
@Wayzor_
20 күн бұрын
It's taken me 40 years to accept that I will never have normal relationships. The moment I accepted that fact my life started to become exponentially better.
@bigtimefans100
3 жыл бұрын
Ah, what he described was the classic _Favorite Person._ And oh, how everything hurts again.
@mattcoffey7463
5 жыл бұрын
I’m curious about everyone’s opinion about borderline as a diagnosis? Is it actually a personality disorder, or more of a trauma response? Are we just pathologizing the victim?
@Nobody-Nowhere
4 жыл бұрын
Personality disorder, as they lack any sort of self. They dont know who they are. Its much more of a mess than just rauma response. Its simply that the trauma happened so early, that it totally stunted the emotional growth. They are stuck at age of 1-2. Go check out "still face experiment", it borderline in a nutshell. Thats what they are doing their whole life, trying to get that connection to their mother. And raging if its cut.
@Sarablueunicorn
3 жыл бұрын
@@Nobody-Nowhere You've just acknowledged that it is in fact a trauma response but that happened so early in life that affected the person's construction as whole. For a BPD diagnosis 5 out of 9 "symptoms" need to register. Why 5 out of 9? or why 9 and not any other number? Well cause people in charge of DSM voted like that. Identity disturbance is one of the traits and it doesn't happen with all diagnosed BPD.
@openmindz4628
3 жыл бұрын
I think both and mine includes abandonment issues as well.
@HeatherFaraMS
2 жыл бұрын
Yeah, l flipped back and forth a bit on this initially. You have to love someone suffering to understand how it is absolutely genetic. Their amygdala dominance leads to other brain centers not functioning or developing. There are physical difference in structure. While everyone’s brain works the same way, theirs is misfiring to the point of fight flight collapse. It’s similar to addiction in presentation…they are almost hooked like a junky to the emotional rollercoaster. If things are quiet their brain codes danger! With medication they can get out of fight flight exhaustion and retrain the brain over a couple years, but they are wired so well in that region that they will always be more affected by slight sleep irregularities, trauma, and drama. You don’t need to have a traumatic backstory for diagnosis, but as you can imagine, they will tend to have one because their brain codes slight eye twitching as danger, so parents feel the brunt…to the sufferer it can feel like living with a dagger twisting in your heart…BPD needs comprehensive medical intervention because the bullshit “talk to a counselor” and focus on events coded as trauma compounds issues and makes them feel at fault..suicide is too often the way out of sheer constant physical pain.
@c.e.7535
4 жыл бұрын
I always scartche myself until it bleeds...
@heidiperez1387
Жыл бұрын
Spot on!
@robinkaye9763
2 жыл бұрын
Are there people with BPD who choose other routes of self harm like smoking, drinking, taking drugs, or driving while drunk and/or high? Or who self sabotage at work and end up getting fired?
@margaret4763
2 жыл бұрын
Food and sex, as well as constant self-sabotage in terms of education, career cause I would not consider myself worthy or capable.
@HeatherFaraMS
2 жыл бұрын
Yep, my love will stop showing up at work, burn arm hair, blow up in rage, overspend, and binge on food in short sessions…once eating a massive tub of peanut butter to get over pain. Some medical professionals believe self harm is a separate diagnosis…seems related to me.
@dontassumemyfender9866
2 ай бұрын
Is substance abuse also apart of BPD? I know someone who lost her father when she was aged 14 and at the age of 8, she was sexually abused by her grandfather. She drinks large volumes of alcohol and says it makes her feel normal. She has very unstable friendships and romantic relationships.
@mosebies
5 жыл бұрын
Leonard Nimoy really gets it.
@ZemplinTemplar
4 жыл бұрын
I won't lie, your comment did make me guffaw. :-)) Either way, wonderful experts in this playlist, including this one.
@kissehfodasso
2 жыл бұрын
As a borderline myself, he is completely right.
@justbrahma3748
4 ай бұрын
I have bpd and I know my toxic symptoms well, I have self sabotaged mny relationships because I know how toxic I can be, I can be selfish but I know no other being should suffer my toxicity, sometimes the partner stays in the relationship hoping I would be better, I start trusting them and I do work on myself of course but its hard to manage all the time, I start believing that this partner understands me but after a year or so it gets too much for them and they leave, reinforcing the idea that I can't be loved, anyways now I just self sabotage before it gets serious so that neither me or them are hurt.
@oh2887
Жыл бұрын
Great discription of the smothering in relationships.
@fizzy1550
2 ай бұрын
I'm 33... I can't get passed any of this... I went to therapy for 10 years, and I'm still a disgusting failure... I don't deserve to be here... BPD has ruined everything I am... I've ruined everything I am... It will never stop... stay away from me.
@yesmynguettouche
Ай бұрын
You are still young, life will turn out just fine if you start forgiving yourself. It wasn’t easy yet you made it ❤
@symenandsuebrinksma3670
28 күн бұрын
I was told recently "it's not your fault, you didn't choose this" trauma is the cause and CPTSD is often in your past. I understand but show yourself some compassion.
@mthunzidhlamini8257
2 күн бұрын
Noted.
@coraldyecoraldye7083
2 ай бұрын
My wife of 12 years has symptoms of BPD. I believe it is from complex trauma. It isn't so much the thing itself it's more there is no understanding from other people (except her parents). Im either a perpetrator or a saint and swings from one to the other are barely predictable. My heart sinks each time it happens and it's a challenge to stay stable for her and my family.
@brianimoto4634
Ай бұрын
Get out and take your kids
@symenandsuebrinksma3670
28 күн бұрын
Take care and be gentle, no one chooses this. Trauma does.
@12Kcalico
Жыл бұрын
My gf has it , it’s sometimes a struggle like rn , she’s being quiet cold and distant with me , I’m a overthinker , have anxiety and depression . I feel rejected she’s given me reassurance but I don’t really believe it , I love her alot but sometimes I feel like it’s gonna end
@anthonyboylan4805
4 жыл бұрын
My ex cheated 3 times blamed bpd i get it but innocent people get really destroyed
@jamesbalthes6353
3 жыл бұрын
Yes, this happens all the time. It's good to understand their problems, however, it seems like it destroys the non- BDP's life.
@jenniferreid8763
3 жыл бұрын
Often the BPD patient will develop an NPD defence structure to help them cope - thus all the lying and cheating that goes with NPD. BPD/NPD really is an awful combination.
@sellis3166
2 жыл бұрын
Usually there is no intent to harm someone, even if it does happen. Just remember this is an illness, a broad one at that, and not everyone is the way you perceive your ex.
@kiranguddu4339
Жыл бұрын
True... Its too much of pain.. And they jumps into toxic abusers and users too and that part is very difficult to handlle... Very painful...
@bryanf7179
2 ай бұрын
I was in a marriage with a clinical borderline. She was violent, abusive and sociopathic. She used to physically attack me in my sleep. It was a continual state of hell for myself and our young children. It's important we do not victimize BPD, as it is a very dangerous disorder.
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