I think it’s really important not to externalise this problem. FA’s find it difficult to maintain attraction because of an abandonment wound. It is NOT to do with a partner. It is to do with the FA not having a capacity to maintain relationships. FA’s are trauma victims with unhealed trauma. FA’s will recreate their original abandonment fears by choosing someone who will hurt them OR by abandoning someone they love. Because that’s what happened to them as children, and it’s unresolved trauma. FA’s can have great things happening in a healthy relationship and will suddenly feel trapped. Not because they actually ARE trapped, but because they fear the bad stuff will happen because things are good. So they will stop being able to love/desire/tend and befriend. If you’re always in flight or fight, freeze, fawn, forget or flood, you can’t be in tend and befriend mode. No one can do that. FA’s need to know that they WILL recreate their prior trauma. 100% guaranteed unless they take responsibility for their own stuff. If you’re in an abusive situation, leave. If you’re in a healthy relationship; repair. FA’s struggle with repair. ….. big time.
@lizzzarduh
Жыл бұрын
Your comments are really helpful. Thank you. I got dumped by my FA 6 months ago and have been wanting to reach out to him ever since but have been too scared. Im anxious attachment but a lot of fa traits I can relate to.. anyways I need to reach out now before it’s too late but I keep getting cold feet! Do you have any advice at all?
@lizzzarduh
Жыл бұрын
Btw we had a good relationship and loved each other a lot…he abandoned the one he loved.
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
@@lizzzarduh if you’re FA leaning anxious then you need to develop tend and befriend skills in terms of repair and taking responsibility for any harsh words or criticism or demands for soothing when you can self soothe. If he dumped you then it’s not always possible to repair if he is an FA too. It’s vital that he takes responsibility if he finds intimacy hard to maintain. Don’t go back into a relationship when the other party does not have insight into the problem if they are FA. All insecure attachment styles need to own their own stuff, but FA is essentially a two sided trauma response, one part is anxious, the other is avoidant and so they can “flip” from AP presentation to deeply DA. This is very very difficult to live with. Essentially an FA WILL destroy a healthy relationship unless they develop insight and commence to heal their trauma.
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
@@Cornelius1212 you have to remember that BPD WILL devalue connection and project it all onto you. BPD and FA often “swing” between admiration ( which they wrongly perceive as “love”) and devaluation. Which is essentially a delusion that you are the source of their problems. Projecting fear of perceived abandonment onto you is inevitable with BPD and unhealed FA. They literally will suddenly find you “disgusting “. Their brains CANNOT sustain intimacy. They get triggered by random and benign things and fly off the handle and blame you. ( mostly falsely ). And curiously IF something is genuinely wrong in their life, they can appear not to notice it. …. It’s like they are blind to genuine dangers and unable to see genuine safety. Because you are the attachment figure, and attachment WILL get ruined by them. It WILL. so I strongly suggest that you do NOT reconnect with a BPD/FA ex, because they literally WILL burn the house down. They are wrecking balls to the attachment figure. They bite, scratch and scream. They lash out, accuse, blame and use emotional reasoning. They can’t be rationalised with if they are not prepared to do the work. And do the work they must. And it’s really hard work. But they hurt themselves and everyone around them. Best to stay away.
@CALIGRL888
Жыл бұрын
I'm formerly FA, but have done a lot of work and would say 80-90% of the time I'm pretty healthily attached. I've been in a healthy relationship for 2 years now. The only healthy one I've ever had and more than twice as long as my longest relationship before that. BUT I feel like I need to offer perspective on this mindset. What my old mindset was. And I will say it, how I would have said it then: "As an FA, it is 💯 that when I'm out- I'm OUT. When I wasn't healthy attached, I would bust my ass in relationships. I would give and give and it was usually to partners who were assholes. Back then I wasn't as good about setting boundaries, usually I'd end up dating people because I got tired of saying 'no' every time they asked. These people were safe because I had no genuine feelings for them. In all of my relationships during that time (friendships and platonic), I would often place myself in positions where it implied I was 'okay' with giving more than receiving. That's something I've had to become aware of and work on. But needless to say, I was always frustrated as a result of it. However, I usually repressed this feeling until I felt justified in ending this relationship I didn't even want to really be in in the first place. I would try though. I would try to see the good in people. I would think that if I was just patient enough, or loving enough- that they would eventually change and be a good person. I did still communicate on little shit, but it just would not get resolved. Granted, I usually communicated through humor or passive aggression, but sometimes there would be a simple yet direct comment made about what specific recurring behavior was bothering me. I'd usually immediately go back into a more light hearted energy afterwards though. I was more concerned about 'not being a grudge holder'. It usually wasn't until after repeatedly violating that boundary that my frustration would build and build. I'd start going into a numb place and distancing myself physically and emotionally, because it became too one-sided and disrespectful. And then usually one (seemingly) small thing would make me explode and end the entire relationship. And once it's over, it's pretty much dead. Only way I would come back is if I literally 'had to'. If I had nowhere else to turn, and that only happened twice. Each time with a different person. But I'd never come back, or even think about coming back after the second time. I wasn't a 'break-up-to make-up' type of person at all. If you fucked me over or disrespected me, then I was completely at peace with having nothing to do with you ever again or at the very least only being civil acquaintances. I would put up with a lot of bullshit, so I knew that if someone had driven me to a point to feel like that- my response would be totally justified. I knew that it was because they were the shitty person: not me." Anyways, hope this insight helps somebody out there. Like I've said: I've done a lot of work on myself the past several years. I don't really get myself in these predicaments anymore. I am honest with myself ahead of time about whether or not I want to have a relationship with someone in the first place and stick to that decision most of the time. For that reason, I don't really have these repression-blow up cycles as much as I used to. Good luck to all you FAs, DAs, APs, and "healthies" out there. Much love to all of you 🙏
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
This is so interesting Reece, thanks for sharing. If I may offer a little bit of a reflection? It seems that you were in relationships with people you did NOT have attraction to initially, but you gave in to their pursuit of you. And attraction/affection didn’t grow, but you make a whole lot of “effort”. In a sense you walked into relationships you did NOT want. But the other person didn’t know that. … So in a sense you never had attraction in those situations. But I wonder what made you say yes to their pursuit…. Did you think you needed to have a kind of “non attraction” situation as your (then ) normal?
@San-zm8kj
Жыл бұрын
I Have never read something so singularly true that I would do every time. Always went for people who would always need me but I would never feel attracted to. Being a people pleaser i was. So I would have nothing to lose when I stone wall. But it hurt me and turned me to stop and drop the idea of a relationship altogether for my life. Im learning how to attach securely because we are worthy. Are there any other resources or exercises you found helpful? Thank you for writing this.
@pist251
Жыл бұрын
I'm a healing FA and it's just the same for me
@CALIGRL888
Жыл бұрын
@@MellowBellow1 sorry I never responded to you! But to answer your question: yes I think I did need a "non attraction" situation to feel not just normal. But safe. Because I wouldn't trust these people with any personal information about myself. I couldn't handle the possibility of getting into a relationship with someone I was genuinely attracted to. Because I was terrified that if they got to know certain things about me, they might change their mind. I usually would sabotage it before it could even get off the ground. I'd friend zone myself (yes I said that correctly- myself). I remember I once set a guy I was interested in up with another girl 🤦😂 In college, I convinced a guy I was absolutely in love with that we "wouldn't be good together" because we were "too similar and therefore had all the same bad habits" 😂😂😂 oh man... there were a couple. I was not somebody who fell for people easily, but when I did I fell hard and it scared the shit out of me. I was terrified of what would happen. As I said earlier in this post, the guy I'm with right now is the first person I ever dated that I actually genuinely wanted to be with. I'm almost 3 years into it now. But there was one night early on, before we officially started dating, when I realized I really liked him and I just started randomly crying for like an hour because I was so scared. I was terrified he would find some things out about me and not want to be with me. And it wasn't a question of "if" but "when". And sure enough, I told him all of my dark secrets shortly before we started dating. And what do you know? He still accepted me. He still wanted to be with me. It blew my mind 🤯 and it took me a while to realize how overly critical I was being of myself. My entire life. And this was largely because I had very toxic people around me who were overly critical of me and who I couldn't trust. So anyways. Sorry for the long answer. But hopefully it helped ☺️ thanks for asking ❤️
@thecommonsensecapricorn
9 ай бұрын
Wow we’re not all so different after all. I have that exact same pattern, all my relationships have been with people I don’t really have feelings for. I just fell into the relationship because the other person wanted it so much. But I’ve always felt like it’s my attachment style that makes me push people away, so how do I know if I like someone or not? I always find reasons to run.
@user-ud6by8ey2m
Жыл бұрын
Currently dating an FA. The whole situation has me on an out of control emotional roller-coaster. It has me feeling happy, in love, excited. But at the same time, I have anxiety, fear of loss, depression you name it. Is there any hope ? ? I am overcome with the feeling of impending doom around every corner in this relationship. My career causes me to operate in an over analytical mindset but, trying to figure out the FA is a bit of a mind F*** in its self.
@sunspiral79
Жыл бұрын
What ended up happening?
@tahirabruce477
Жыл бұрын
As an FA number 5 is really potent. And I do wait sometimes until I get to the point where I’m really “done” 😔 but I know it’s not healthy.
@dloaded
Жыл бұрын
You’re not alone. I think I stay so long because in addition to being a FA I’m a romantic and idealist and optimist. I have hope that things will turn around and go back to what they were, or will repair themselves ❤
@Nikolebichon
Жыл бұрын
@@dloaded that’s anxious avoidant
@lucytownsend1176
Жыл бұрын
@@NikolebichonFearful Avoidant and Anxious Avoidant are the same; interchangeable terms.
@sugarskull242
Жыл бұрын
Exactly it’s the not knowing that doesn’t give a relationship a fair chance to have gotten better.
@kendrayoung2523
Жыл бұрын
I appreciate your videos and your advice so much! They are so compassionate and understanding. ❤❤❤ As an F/A, I struggle between not understanding my behavior at all or thinking that I'm evil or selfish. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop of losing trust and affection and fleeing relationships no matter how hard I try. At this point, I've all but decided to stay out of close relationships because I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else anymore. I see that still have a lot of work to do on myself before I'm ready.
@thecommonsensecapricorn
9 ай бұрын
Same. It’s so fucking painful dude. I’m so jealous of people who don’t struggle with this attachment style.
@Ssssssmmmmmmmmm
8 ай бұрын
As an FA I understand your struggle. I have been there. The more you’ll actively understand your behavior and especially your responses to situations, the more you’ll learn. Also, I found digging deep into the cause of trauma especially childhood and loving your inner child unconditionally helps. Being a parent helped extend the same love I have for my kids to my childhood self because I didn’t feel as loved as a child. I would also usually look at a photo of myself as a little girl and tell her she’s so loved and she’s perfect just as she is. I also grieved a lot the helplessness I felt then and it helped dissipate it. However, I would advise against waiting to date until you’re healed. This is also a typical FA thing that we tend to aim at perfection before we can do anything. It also won’t help in putting into practice what we are learning to get to a more secure attachment style because in the absence of triggers, there’s barely anything to apply the new lessons to and it’s hard to gauge progress. Hurt and loss is a part of life and relationships and that’s when we learn the most as long as we don’t let that close our hearts to new love. You’re worthy of being loved in your imperfection, just like everyone else. Extend that empathy to yourself too and release the pressure on yourself to be the best you can be before you get into a relationship. It’s a quick way to end up in regrets later in life. I think Thais has a video on this titled “I’ll date when I’m healed” or something along those lines.
@coolqh
Жыл бұрын
I am blown away about how you describe me in every single one of these FA videos. I am exhausted by my own patterns and behaviour. Don't know if I will be able to change enough but at least I am aware of myself now. It's not easy work.
@gregorystinette8271
Жыл бұрын
Just get a dog; problem solved. Shalom
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
@Be REAL healthy people feel betrayed if their trust is broken. But the perception of broken trust can be a hair trigger, when no actual trust is broken. The FEELING that creates shutdown isn’t necessarily in the present. It’s an old feeling from the past.
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
@Be REAL but the FA problem is two fold. Re-creating trauma is one of 2 ways. One is getting into relationships that re-create your original trauma. … the other is running away from healthy relationships. So it’s ok to say it’s strong to disconnect from someone who you discover has betrayed you. But the REAL subconscious driver is getting into that relationship in the first place. ( for an FA. ..). Because your subconscious initially believes the abuser is safe…. And recreating the original trauma story of discovering the betrayal and “having” to leave. …. That’s the tragedy of the subconscious with trauma.
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
@Be REAL FA has both sides. It’s very hard. I want you to be safe. Of course.
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
@Be REAL I totally hear you. Honestly. It is really complicated. But a healthy person won’t make you hyper-vigilant. … you may be hyper-vigilant though. The thing is to see the behaviour in the present as a pattern or is it a meaning you make out of a benign situation. It’s really tricky. Because triggers can be totally unintentional and not known by both parties. A healthy/secure partner is never going to “make” anyone hyper vigilant. It isn’t in their make up. But you may feel triggered anyway. … and then you may shut down over a mistaken story about a benign event. ( as an FA, that’s where shut down comes from too. ). I’m secure and I assure you that I would never deliberately trigger my partner. But my partner is hyper-vigilant for abandonment and “sees” it in benign events. He shuts down. … but it’s tragic ‘cos there is no threat. Not from me. But he “sees” threat from any man. …. It’s hideous.
@KarenNLee
Жыл бұрын
FAs can separate their emotional/anxious side from their avoidant/logistics side and be in a relationship with you just "going through the motions." By the time they leave they've already checked out emotionally a long time ago. If that checked out feeling has gone on long enough there is no chance of those romantic emotions returning ever. If it's recent there may be a chance to reactivate the emotional side but it's only by activating the anxious attachment wounds by threatening to leave or messing with their mind. It's a rollercoaster if they do reactivate their anxious side because they become even more hypervigilant and their need to flee will come faster and harder if they confirm their suspicions. When I say need to flee I mean literally leave ASAP. Just my opinion.
@fez8455
Жыл бұрын
Recently split with my FA ex, would love to see a video on how to regain that attraction if its been lost. I feel like i can see why it happened in the first place because of this video. Great work!
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
It’s really up to the FA to do that work. It’s not because anything actually changed about you necessarily. FA’s can FEEL bad, but nothing bad is actually happening in the present. FA’s can have GOOD things happening and they lose attraction.
@chrismccaffrey8256
Жыл бұрын
Look up the going no-contact video from Thais
@williamdemarrais8318
Жыл бұрын
am a D/A man and I really like your channel. You inspire me!
@dailyinspiration5540
Жыл бұрын
I was friends with mine for five years before we started dating, and that did not prevent him from discarding me like trash suddenly after three months during the honeymoon phase. It just feels like our relationship/friendship never meant anything to him. Forgive me, but it seems very immature and childish to behave in this way instead of communicating your needs. I stuck by him through hard times. He’s blocked me on social media all the while saying that I’d been great to him and he really appreciates me and wants to remain on good terms. 🙄 I know I felt a lot of annoyance during that relationship because it felt like he just couldn’t talk and as a SA type, I did not understand WHAT was so difficult about just saying how you feel or communicating if you were going to be late or had to cancel etc. I gave him the benefit of the doubt bc we’d been friends for so long and he’d been a great friend to me. He was with an abusive partner for years and it seems like that’s what he likes, so good luck to him.
@PetalBugABoop
Жыл бұрын
Thanks so much! This gives me so much to think about going forward!! While I started out 40% AP, I am now equally AP, FA, and SA. Plus my FA side was what made me run away and go No contact for 2 months with the DA guy I was seeing once he started distancing himself. At first I acted more AP, but once I learned I was one I tried to stop the cycle and not trigger him. It only half worked as my needs were still unmet. One day I shut down, started having self ending thoughts...and yeah. I felt trapped like I wouldn't ever be worthy of his love, blew up, and ran away. I did work on my AP side a lot, but now that the 6-8 week period is done and we have been slowly in contact for the last month, I realize I am more FA with him than AP. On the bright side, when I gave him my boundaries for trying again (therapy, or something similar like PDS, or whatever works similar for hom) consistently for 1-2 months. He was impressed with me being real about my boundaries despite how afraid I was of him lashing out or being rejected. (Clearly more of my mindset than reality.) He has been looking up Attachment theory on his own now. So we will see if he wants to or not. I will accept his no if he decides it isn't for him. But yeah...I know if he does do it and is consistant...I gotta be precise and real with my wants. I do admit I did fall out of my feelings at the 6 week mark and want to move on in part. I had lots of fears of being unloved or used while giving everything I had. But I knew if I didn't give us one fair chance I would regret it. At least I know my boundaries - so long as I never faulter on them - will keep me safe.
@umaxi96
Жыл бұрын
How about the fearful avoidant learn how to communicate their fears and boundaries. This video sounds a bit like it would all be in the hands of the non avoidant partner
@dailyinspiration5540
Жыл бұрын
Yep, not going to lower myself to fit someone’s maladaptive standards. They need to improve, not me.
@jiziz5751
Жыл бұрын
I don't actually make a comment about this video but wanted to make a comment about the boundaries course on the personal development site. It's beautiful!! So structured and exhaustive. Amazing!
@antonia6648
Жыл бұрын
I love your channel! My boyfriend is a FA and I have struggled to understand him and his withdrawals for a long time. Your explanations are spot-on and super helpful. Thank you!
@DrMommyB
Жыл бұрын
Is anyone else sending this as an "FYI...let's get it together, I'm really trying but you are trying ME warming shot 💕" -?? My typical FA (now leaning DA after some grief and relationship trauma) move...protest behaviors are a work in progress. 🤷🏽♀️please bring Sage!
@GadgetsGearCoffee
Жыл бұрын
pretty sure I was dating an F/A (though they didn't know what their attachment style was or seemed to care when I asked) and definitely the expectations thing was what killed it. I never asked for it but I was showing up a lot and they weren't able to due to scheduling etc and it ends up, they felt guilty but never expressed it then poof. It was never an issue of connection apparently. So now what.. :\ done all the work on myself as an AA/FA and so now what, this time it's their issues not mine. Would love a video on what to do when you're on the receiving end of this or how to avoid it? I guess I should have slowed down and see but I was investing at the same pace or so I thought
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
If you’re on the receiving end of someone avoiding commitment and feeling guilty for their non attendance and not expressing that guilt. …. What you do on the receiving end is realise it’s a non starter. It’s going nowhere before it even begun. Don’t waste another ounce of energy on that.
@6bt_str864
Жыл бұрын
Yeah, this is a really sketch one to decode, There's s plethora that usually coincides with the FA personality type (narc., Passive aggressive, OCD even) any chemical dependency, basically its typically doomed before it began regardless of what you did or didn't do, Especially if its one sided effort.b
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
@@6bt_str864 sounds like a very bad gf. Or a situationship. Do you really want that drama? Can you leave her for good?
@riverd537
Жыл бұрын
wow..this is accurate..im def a "tipping point" person ...and i have to wait till the final straw or i feel like an asshole for leaving..ive put up with so much bullshit..but when i lose the attraction it does not come back...in the past i wld stay even tho i wasnt into it anymore and wanted out..i wld wait for them to do something really shitty or unforgiveable so i cld leave with a "clear conscience"...i didnt want to abandon anyone as i had been abandoned so many times as a kid...i wld usually begin drinking a lot to get through the uncomfortableness of being in a rel i did not want to be in anymore as i waited for the "final straw"...thanks thais..ive learned a lot from yr vids about my behaviour and the reasons. lucky for me im in a rel with a secure person for the first time in my life and its incredible..the secures are just as you describe them..open communicative willing to work on things ..not defensive..this girl has no trauma wounds and had a lovely childhood...its amazing..we dont trigger each other..its like a new world.
@thecommonsensecapricorn
9 ай бұрын
The “going cold” is so real for me. I turn off like a light switch. If I’m done with you, I’m never coming back. You’re out of sight and out of mind. I’ve had this with romantic relationships as well as friendships. If you break my trust (for a example, a friend last year lashed out at me over a small perceived offense) I’m done with you. I’ve had friends tell me they don’t understand how easy it is for me to let them go. I don’t understand it either, but I just can’t bring myself to want to connect with someone who has hurt me. They go in the “unsafe” column in my mind/heart and they stay there.
@kimberlymorrison4880
Жыл бұрын
This is where I am right now. Married to an anxious preoccupied that has Bipolar. Trust issues throughout our relationship and then cheating during a manic phase. I'm happiest away from the house and him. I cannot look him in the eyes. We know WHY the infidelity happened but I'm not sure I can ever recover. Hated hearing that in the video.
@liakh.2539
Жыл бұрын
This definitely sums it up. I feel that I often experience a combination of the 5 and that’s what really sets me off (shuts me down) and the feeling is exhausting. Also, does anyone know how early in a relationship it’s actually appropriate to set boundaries or kind of ask to be treated a certain way? Is it too early after a few dates, do you wait til you’re “in a relationship”. I get that I’m supposed to set boundaries but I always feel like I don’t have the right to quite yet. I feel as though I’m asking for too much, too soon. (By not even asking for much of anything really)
@bec.des3
Жыл бұрын
I can relate. Too early and I feel like I’ll scare them off or I’m being too needy. Too late and I’m shutting down already anyway… 😓
@liakh.2539
Жыл бұрын
@@bec.des3 Exactly, especially because I am the most independent person I know so I hate the idea of anyone ever making me feel “needy”.
@tahirabruce477
Жыл бұрын
As an FA this question is apt. I hope Thais responds
@dloaded
Жыл бұрын
It’s never too early. What makes us feel like it’s too early are all the fears we have. If you get a desire to share your boundary then it’s the right time to do so. The right person for you won’t be swayed by your boundaries. They will respect them and find your confidence and self-awareness attractive. (And I’m speaking as an FA that still struggles with trusting this.) Sending love and compassion to everyone! ❤
@andreajaouhari6486
Жыл бұрын
Right away.
@carrief
Жыл бұрын
The cool thing is Thais has courses on how to heal and has trained many coaches, like me, to help folks work through the program. She’s amazing.
@azado237
Жыл бұрын
I’m a fearful avoidant and I just started dating a guy that tends to be more on the anxious side. I was really attracted to him until I took him out to a party with me a month into the relationship. The way he was clinging to me made me cringe and pull away and now I’m wondering if I even want to continue dating him because it feels like I don’t. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore :/ and I feel so bad about it
@a.r.8954
Жыл бұрын
Interesting! I'm an FA too, leaning anxious, and my (now ex) showed a really sensitive and socially anxious side when we were together, and because of a recent history of trauma where feeling 'needed' felt really nice, it actually increased my attraction to him. Or at least, it was endearing and refreshing to see a grown man be so vulnerable. Unfortunately, he later swung hard into an FA deactivation where he was dismissive and cold towards me and left me suddenly so that wasn't so easy to cope with lol. Perhaps try to talk to him about his anxiety and how he navigates interdependence in a relationship? And it might also be helpful to look deep down into why his 'clinginess' turned you off. Usually getting the 'ick' when we sense another human's neediness is actually a protective response that has more to do with your own vulnerability. As a fellow FA, I think the root of the fear is 'they might need me more than what I am capable of giving---what if I fail and hurt them and therefore prove to myself that I'm not good enough'?
@reneelopezofficial
Жыл бұрын
So they basically expect people to be mind readers and not ask for what they need or want, holding no accountability. Smh.
@dailyinspiration5540
Жыл бұрын
Yep.
@saharaofthedeep
Жыл бұрын
Most of the time fearful avoidants try to ask for what they need and they think they have when they've actually just criticized their partner. The things they don't ask for are the things they feel they don't have a right to ask for. They are great at taking responsibility, but they won't take responsibility for something they don't realize they did so they need insight to be able to fix it.
@6bt_str864
Жыл бұрын
I'm in middle of an just over 2yr ..(shit show is best description) with a lovely gal. Yes exactly right. AND they have zero communication skills, along with usually being OCD, they crumble under the slightest pressure of the daily, usually always potheads, or dependant in some form or the other. (just scratched surface here) edit: oh, they have a RIDICULOUS AMOUNT of boundaries but completely shit on your miniscule, ice breaking boundary, let alone standard boundaries.
@TVindustries5000
Жыл бұрын
I'm fearful avoidant. and I just want to say its like searching in the dark. Having your own needs and feelings feels like burden. I'd describe things that happened to me but not really expressing how they truly made made me feel for most of my life. When I eventually would shut down in a relationship I seriously couldnt give the reason why, I just would feel it and would be all those feelings of being trapped and wanting out. afterwards when I would see the damage it did I couldnt articulate not even to myself why I felt the ways i did, and it would send me into a guilt and self hatred mindset. In a way this is the way I felt was taking accountability. "I deserve to hate myself. I'm just a bad person.. all I do is mess up people. I deserve to die alone" blaming myself entirely for everything that went wrong. Thats the only way I knew to be able to account for my "sins". I grew up around a Step Mother with NPD from age 5 to 25 (29 now). I always knew she messed me after all the the years she crushed me mentally and emotionally. even as a grown man at 25, she could bring me to tears in seconds and would scold me for shedding said tears. its not until I discovered what Fearful Avoidant attachment style is that I've stopped hating myself as much and giving myself a little bit more patience. Attachment styles are developed to survive the enviorment you're in growing up. I didnt have a choice in the matter. But now I can possibly work on myself so maybe I can acheive a relationship one day with work. But if I cant its okay too, maybe I can atleast learn to love myself on my own. I detect what comes as anger in your comment. I totally understand your frustration, but condemning people who are this attachment style and missing the point that expressing emotions for them is difficult or even subconciously blocked out, is not a healthy way of growing as a person. learning about all the attachment styles I feel should be something alot of people having hard times in relationships should do
@TVindustries5000
Жыл бұрын
@@6bt_str864 I feel like this person you're describing isnt completely defined by having an avoidant dismissive attachment style. I will say you are not endebted to fix her and you should leave the relationship if you dislike her so much. Im also wondering how you know she's FA. does she know? if so and she refuses to better herself then thats a big issue.
@trishliving9942
Жыл бұрын
Yay this sounds like a good one!
@shortingthetrend
Жыл бұрын
My partner is an FA and lost attraction for me about a year ago and had an emotional affair. I still remember the Facebook post she made when her AP "lied" to her and she made a secret post saying "you lied to me were done". Kinda weird how an FA can shut off and just go cheat or monkeybranching to another person. So we've worked thru it but only because I had to untoxicify myself and fix my BPD issues. She is so afraid to even turn a channel because I made fun of her last year while "splitting" and even a year later we still have trouble keeping it real. Kinda sucks that FA's have all these "wants and needs" but I don't see my FA doing any therapy work. I think she is still "hoping" I will forget.
@coconutwater4531
Жыл бұрын
Why are you holding on to this relationship?
@shortingthetrend
Жыл бұрын
@@coconutwater4531 cus it seems fixed for now. I'm not very elegant with my words..... I have BPD and I'm AP. If I act Confident, untoxic and act happy then she will too. The moment my intrusive thoughts begin she becomes quiet. I love her that's why I stay. To learn about her more and be a better man for her. She only had an emotional affair cus literally the guy was using my words... It's something I don't wanna get into detail about but let's just say I was being toxic and he was "acting" like a white knight. All fixed now... But even 9 months later these videos remind me of the pain. Maybe I should unsub?
@lofabredd8367
Жыл бұрын
To expect her to bust her ass in therapy while you’re doing… what, exactly? You think you’re all “fixed” why? You lack understanding of your FA and how that dynamic plays out between you two. That’s part of healing. Your dynamic is built on mistrust, her topmost trigger. It’s entitled of you to sit here and ask her to “fix” herself for you, which may not even be herself but her reactions to your shitty behaviour from what it sounds like. If it still stings then your feelings clearly aren’t resolved and hers probably aren’t either. Her “wants and needs” are completely vital to her personhood, but you’re so embittered by the past that you can’t see her clearly. It looks like you don’t want to understand her, you just want to be mad that she is how she is. If you can’t accept her, then leave, because she doesn’t need you bitching her out like this.
@coconutwater4531
Жыл бұрын
@@lofabredd8367 yeah that’s kind of what it looks like. Maybe work on fixing yourself instead of projecting onto this lady. Or holding onto a relationship out of desperation and trauma.
@lofabredd8367
Жыл бұрын
@@coconutwater4531 good point. This sounds akin to trauma bonding
@rikkiola
Жыл бұрын
The content on this channel is fantastic, thank you. The thing that irks me is when 'free trials' are not really free trials. They're actually paid subscriptions with some days before the payment begins, so not free at all. Yes, you have a grace period where you can effectively request a refund for being dissatisfied, but, let's be honest, that isn't the same thing as a free, no holds barred trial. Also, when you begin reading the T&Cs, you see that there are certain products which have their own individual refund policies and it says "We will have the sole discretion to determine whether you satisfy the eligibility criteria for a refund", so, not guaranteed? Please stop packaging this up as a free trial when you're asking for payment details at the start (and also on the 2nd tab after collecting email data). If you wish to offer a truly guilt-free evaluation period, stop taking payment details at the sign-up?
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
Жыл бұрын
Hi there, thank you for your comment. It is a free trial and is 100% free to the entire platform. It gives our students time to get through an entire course, if not two courses. It also allows the ability to download the workbooks, print the exercises and attend 8 free webinars in the two weeks! As long as you cancel before day 13, there is no charge whatsoever. And if people forget to cancel, we offer a full refund anyways and will never turn anyone down. There is no feature on our course platform (we use a software that is pre-existing) to offer trials without entering information, or else going and charging people would be a manual process that would take forever. We also obviously offer a tremendous amount of free content on KZitem in general, so we feel that we are very generous at PDS. Lastly, we offer countless scholarship options for those that need them or email info@personaldevelopmentschool.com - PDS Team Member
@becca15
Жыл бұрын
Could you do a video about how the attachment styles are affected over the holidays? If they are? 😂
@roshalllambert
Жыл бұрын
I always love Thais's analogy of "running million miles per hour" lolll 😂😂
@0Demiyah0
Жыл бұрын
This sums up very well why I left my AP-ex: - Broken trust: he had a tendency to lie, twist the truth and ultimately it turned out he was cheating despite being constantly anxious and jealous towards my social interactions. - Boundaries: he didn't act like he understood what these were. In his view, I was only on empathic girlfriend if I did what he wanted. - Expectations: I am people-pleasing especially under duress to prevent conflict, but it was never enough. I felt burnout from how much I had to watch what I did and how available he needed me to be, for us to be peaceful. - Feeling trapped: it was so difficult to voice myself, because he took everything as an offense and would gaslight me and twist is around to be my problem without taking accointability. But despite this constant barrage of criticism, he also acted so dependent, needy and quite unhinged without my support to the point I felt I blackmailed against leaving him without that triggering him to be suicidal. I was the center of his universe in most respects, and he really tried to control me to stay right where he felt safe with having me, without reflecting on the impact it had on me. - One-sided: I didn't feel like I truly mattered; I was a vehicle to soothe his anxieties, and that was my purpose. It really eroded my self-esteem, confidence and self-trust. There was no equality or reciprocity. This was a relationship from many years ago. I have reflected a lot on becoming more assertive and understanding my own boundaries and needs to be able to avoid the situations that made this relationship so detrimental to my health. My attraction towards independence increased from the experience, so I notice I feel safer around people who are more on the avoidant side.
@Julsies7
Жыл бұрын
If you’re attracted to people who are more on the avoidant side , you still have a lot of healing to do because that points towards the fact that you’re still avoiding closeness and emotional vulnerability at a deeper level and are “safe” around people who don’t make you have to confront that reality in yourself. Attraction to avoidants means that the person feeling that way is still looking for external validation from the avoidant which they may get after chasing them. So, tbh, you say you’ve done work but it sounds like you’re still in the same avoidant mentality yourself
@0Demiyah0
Жыл бұрын
@@Julsies7 are you OK? Were you triggered by something in my comment?
@howtosober
Жыл бұрын
I'm not sure why she calls these reasons we "lose attraction" rather than "fall out of love" and "cut and run," which are more accurate for me. Broken trust is a 100% dealbreaker with no coming back. Crossed boundaries are a close second. Thais is correct. This is regardless of whether the potential exists to "work on it" with the other person. Like she said, the motivation to put in any further effort is simply not there. If I feel I wasn't clear about my needs or boundaries or communicated them ambiguously, I *might* give it another try. But since I'm pretty direct and up front about these things, a person usually has to be either oblivious or deliberately ignoring my needs in order to commit persistent trust and/or boundary violations.
@thomasgrabowski2202
Жыл бұрын
So relatable.
@thomasgrabowski2202
Жыл бұрын
Ignoring your partner is a sure fireway to backfire. Had this MULTIPLE times and led to TREMENDOUS emotional and psychologicsl distress (on my half.)
@romanitza24
Жыл бұрын
Yep, completely relatable, I somewhat recently realised it may be a thing. Especially the fact that I would flee too early, without a notice sign, without a blink of an eye, with no doubt, being actually happy to have escaped and congratulating myself for that and I realised I just might be too harsh, I might need to talk to the person and try to find common ground first and the thing is: relationships adjust, they do not always work (in fact probably rarely do) by default, sometimes you need time to get to know eachother and kind of negociate, counsciously and uncounsciously, eachother's boundaries etc. I also understood there is no need to believe right away that the person would never change and try to first say what is bothering me, even when I believe those things to be common sense: (like when a person is very needy or clingy). What I now realise, while I am writing this, is that "not believing that the person could change" was also out of fear of being trapped in an abusive relationship and that it comes from being kind of used, in my childhood, to not being respected or heard in my needs and boundaries, so I expected that even if I were to express them, my needs would not be heard or met, they would be belittled or just directly not taken into consideration. Wow! Thanks for this realisation! By running away I mean I ended the relationship (I would always talk to the person, not just dissappear). I also thought it was ok not to accept those things (which were basically almost anything that I don't consider healthy between 2 people) but that would not be a problem and it can even be healthy, the unhealthy part is that people are human, they make mistakes, so do I and as I said, there are things that could be talked or solved, or at least given a chance to be solved. I do realise this now and I also think it has to do with compassion (and lack of fear, while you still know who you are and what your limits are or especially because you know it). I always thought I was setting clear boundaries, like the minute they were crossed I would say it, but what I just realised is that only crossing those boundaries for the first time, or doing anything that I disliked would immediately put me off, and from that moment on I was on vigilence mode, just gathering more info on what else I did not liked and with a foot already out or ready to leave. So I used to actually react right away, but I expected very little time, without having so much as a mature conversation with the person and without waiting to see if he respects those things or not. I also thought it was what made me strong and showed I loved and respected myself, which is somehow true, but I realised my reaction was more driven by fear. I also considered myself a decisive person by going out of a relationship at the first alarm sign (or when everything was good and I got bored, because, as in the video, I did need a bit of a challenge, but those were the relationships, with healthy attached people, where I actually stayed, sometimes against my own urge to flee. Since I had no real red flag, not even for me, I mean they behaved wonderfully, I would struggle and succed at staying longer). Also, for me at least, a lot of small things, when put together, got to be deal breakers. I think I was just basically protecting myself from being abused or overwhelmed by someone who does not care or hear my needs, but as I said, I know that I can have pacience now, wait, explain, talk and see if those needs are heard and respected or not and also negotiate on the negotiable (of course real unnegotiable deal-breakers are healthy and I think it's really good to have them). I also remember my amazement at my first's boyfriend capacity to attend and modify right away his behaviour when I said something was not ok for me, because I had never seen or experienced that before. Anyway it is important to take steps in realising what is behind and shed a light on our uncouncious reasons or our patterns and just widen our conscience because this is how we heal and we have space in ourselves to try new ways. Yes, fear must be addressed first, but also confidence should be in its place to help us with the change. Thanks a lot for reading, writing it, made me understand a few more things and if these words give insight to other people, wonderful. I did understand some of these things these past 2-3 years, so I talk in past tense because I haven't dated since then, so I do not know yet how I would react now, I hope that in a new, fresh and more mature and secure way.
@ancient_bam
Жыл бұрын
I haven't dated in a while, but in the past I would sometimes have moments where I would suddenly become disgusted by my partner and feel a strong urge to distance myself from them as much as possible. The two main relationships where this happened weren't healthy, so maybe that's it, but I'm always a little afraid I'll experience that again toward future partners. It was such an intense feeling, almost like hatred, and I never want to feel that toward someone I care about. Do you have any insight about where that might have come from?
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
It’s you’re amygdala being afraid. It’s telling you something important if you’re not in a healthy relationship. It’s trying to ruin a good thing if you’re in a healthy relationship. Your amygdala stores all the emotional residue from past trauma that you can’t recall consciously. If someone behaves in a disgusting way, it’s ok. But if it’s fear of abandonment driving you to run from a healthy person ( waiting for the other shoe to drop ). Then it’s a misguided response.
@thomasgrabowski2202
Жыл бұрын
Maybe your feelings of disgust were trying to tell you something like...this isnt healthy?
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
@@thomasgrabowski2202 not necessarily. Not for an FA. an FA will create unhealthy when things are healthy. ….
@user-js4mt1nr2y
Жыл бұрын
In my experience disgust is a self protection emotion just like anger. It shows you that someone is crossing your boundries or not meeting your needs. So I'll find ways to dislike certain behavior maybe not even relevant to it. It could also be because someone is comming to close, you feel vulnerable so again a way of not liking an other to feel there is reason for you to distance or push away. It's pretty typical for FA I think.. The only way to prevent it is to heal. Work on setting boundries and stating your needs before you feel disgusted. I do notice it myself too even more since I am aware of Fa and try to heal myself that I get disgusted by unhealthy behaviour too. I think that part is also part of an sort of anger that I used to have a blind eye to that and now seeing what I don't like and what I do not anylonger want to accept in my life.. I do know that this feeling is part of growth and I shouldn't stay in it. Once I heal I can see and know I can let it go and don't feel fearfull for it. I then fully trust myself and my ability to not get triggert by things or to tolerate/accept unacceptable behaviour I can just take healthy actions by then for instance healthy boundry setting so it won't develop into disgust. I believe it's still a strong emotional reaction created by a fight or flight respons. Hope that can put something in perspective. And I hope you can learn to trust in your healing and how that can prevent that awfull feeling. I believe I can but I feel your pain.
@MellowBellow1
Жыл бұрын
@@user-js4mt1nr2y the thing is the FEELING of disgust is not protective if it’s misplaced in a healthy relationship. The FEELING needs to be separated from actual events in the present. If the other is not actually doing anything disgusting, then your amygdala is in self sabotage mode. An FA’s amygdala will be triggered by love and attachment due to prior attachment trauma, so the amygdala of an FA will be reactive to a HEALTHY relationship. Normal relationship things will be too hard for an FA to handle.
@jerrykasinger8621
Жыл бұрын
Soo... my question would be.... What if you ARE speaking up, trying to convey your thoughts, and they shut you down, tell you theres nothing there, you are being overly sensative, give you a vague cold look, and walk away? What is that? This a long term marrsige. I have my thoughts and beliefs on what that is I'm just curious what the answer is
@romanitza24
Жыл бұрын
The first 2 I understand them little or not at all. I mean, if someone cheats or misbehaves, isn't it healthy to get cold and get away? I do understand that a more healthily attached person would probably look at the details and be able (and want) to give second chances depending on the situation. Also, the second, if someone crosses your boundaries, is that healthy to let him do it? Of course not and yes I do also understand that running right away, without even trying to solve the situation or explain to the other person that they are being invasive to you, could mean that you are avoidant, but what I think it's the key here is the "getting cold right away" part and running while judging the person without even trying to make ammends or have a mature conversation, and I do recognize myself in these sudden run-aways whenever something feels off.
@laurastout2708
Жыл бұрын
This is completely my life. Just eerie how you have my number
@athena-hc2pn
Жыл бұрын
Do FA's lose their attraction constantly in those cases or do they sometimes regret pulling back? My ex is an FA and he broke up with me (I'm AP) out of nothing. We dated for 6 months and spent our honeymoon phase during my semester abroad very closely together, then I had to move back. We then had a far distance relationship for a couple of months and eventually I moved over to him. I felt somewhat anxious at the time because I was unoccupied and my future was uncertain. But asking him for encouragement made him pushing me away I had the feeling. And 4 days later he broke up with me for some flimsy reasons. I immediately moved back and sent him a long text what I found crazy about his behavior and we haven't had contact since. That's all 4 weeks ago and I wonder if he might regret the break up or what could have caused this.
@itsaplantlife9850
Жыл бұрын
For myself, sometimes I do regret it, but it takes months before I can see it and some more months before deciding to reach back out if I wish to.
@tuca3434
Жыл бұрын
he could be pulling back because he was overwhelmed or he could've done it because he lost attraction. Overwhelming feelings calm down, but loss of attraction is much harder to mend. You need to figure that out
@coconutwater4531
Жыл бұрын
Please move on and don’t let this man play any more games with you. Breaking up with you after moving to be with him is next level cruelty.
@iWANDER262
Жыл бұрын
@@Cornelius1212 I have a fearful avoidant attachment style so maybe I could understand where she's coming from.. after a breakup, I feel like you're in denial about your feelings and maybe even confused by your own actions. I'm sure she feels something. Probably very hurt and confused and maybe even guilty. The fact that she blocked, unblocked and blocked again makes me think she misses you and regrets what she did but maybe she isn't ready to face you yet. If you feel like the relationship is worth it, then sure, keep persisting. But also be mindful not to push too hard because sometimes the more you push, the further they'll push away. I'm sorry for you cause I know it's a lot and I'm sorry for her because your mind can be so exhausting when you have an insecure attachment
@iWANDER262
Жыл бұрын
@@Cornelius1212 Yes I did suppress my memories and my feelings at first without realizing. I didn't mean to deactivate but even after I realized, it was like my brain was on autopilot. I convinced myself that it wasn't real. And I think it took about a year before I realized what was going on and then I learned about attachment styles. Even still, being vulnerable and explaining why I did that is scary. Even though I apologized for my behavior, I didn't have the courage to reconcile anything because I'd always know that they'd fear me doing that again and that would make me feel like they'd just not want to be around and yeah. It's a wild cycle, I guess. And again, really sorry you have to deal with that. Hopefully your ex is in therapy and hopefully you're taking care of your mental health and know that you did nothing wrong.
@SarcasticLampr4y
Жыл бұрын
This is exactly what happened to my girlfriend last week :(
@lenaflab2697
Жыл бұрын
If FAs can so radically pull away and disappear from your life, does it mean that they don't develop deeper feelings / attachment to a person they date for months? My ex stayed with an abusive guy for years, where there was sense of novelty, codependency, shared addictive behaviours, but left me 'easily' after 4 months cause she lost feelings and sense of connection, and then blamed our differences.
@little_miss_muffet
Жыл бұрын
You showed up secure and healthy (I’m guessing) and she didn’t know how to deal with that because it’s not, and never has been, her subconscious comfort level. The chaos and instability of her relationship with her ex is more “normal” to her and so her fears and insecurities were less likely to be activated in that dynamic. It’s f**ked up I know. Because at the end of the day, you were probably exactly what she wanted and needed deep down. But that’s the reality of trying to date a FA. My FA ex deactivated and pulled away from me at the 4 month mark. Yet managed to stick it out for 5 years with a narcissist before me before SHE left HIM! I guess I just didn’t provide enough drama for him. Go figure.
@lenaflab2697
Жыл бұрын
@@little_miss_muffet Wow, I think you're spot on - thanks for sharing that! My ex was in an abusive relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic for 6 years, and also only left when it was literally impossible to stay (which "broke her heart"). Yes, with me it must have been too little drama, more gentle feelings, moments of just being, when she didn't know how to ACT or feel connected (I always sensed some emotional detachment). I think she also started to feel that she can't hold this perfect image that she projects in her career and social life with me anymore, and as you said, some insecurities took over. I hope you'll meet a more secure person, worth of your love, in the future. x
@jackieenglish9204
Жыл бұрын
As an FA I co-sign this analysis.
@YourMoonShine
Жыл бұрын
Another possibility is that she's learned her lessons in this toxic relationships and now is hypervigilant about any red flags, her boundries and needs so she pulls away much sooner because she wants to avoid being abused again. Speaking as a former FA.
@little_miss_muffet
Жыл бұрын
@@lenaflab2697 Yes, my experience was very similar - always felt like he could never fully settle and relax around me. I felt like I perpetually annoyed him just by being me. Looking back, it was infuriating at times, even for me and I’m super laid back generally. Thank you for your well wishes, here’s to better days ahead for us both ❤️
@becca15
Жыл бұрын
I know that the best thing to do for them is to give them space… but how much space? And for how long?
@becca15
Жыл бұрын
Like if they lose attraction does it ever come back with space. Or not really - they’ve made up their mind
@twentysevenand
Жыл бұрын
If they've lost attraction, it's done. No going back at that point. Just consider it a blessing on your end.
@becca15
Жыл бұрын
@@twentysevenand well then idk if my dude's technically lost attraction then or just deactivating. I guess only time will tell
@becca15
Жыл бұрын
@@twentysevenand because I did end up reaching out again and it went well. but then he pushed me away again a few days later. so I guess deactivating or moving on. either way, I'm focusing on me. but his words are really odd to me. All about him not being good enough, how things are going to end anyway, and he wants me to find someone who deserves me. So y'all don't mind me while I keep these things in mind 😂
@kittykat.88
Жыл бұрын
FAs are hard work. They can do all those things they don't like to you but can think of silly scenarios in their heads that don't exist and you're gone over nothing. It seems super hypercritical to me.
@oromtitiwbo5078
Жыл бұрын
yes but FA are hypercritical and reject ourselves too. it is difficult and needs healing to love ourself in order to love others
@oromtitiwbo5078
Жыл бұрын
@@Alphacentauri819 yes as an FA it's so difficult because i can see both sides. we hurt ourselves the most but end up hurting others too. overwhelming majority of us are not even conscious of our pattern of behaviour. we are subconsciously navigating and our brain thinks it is protecting us. i never knew i had such terrible low self esteem, self neglect of my needs and low boundaries until it started manifesting as physical pain in my body! that is how much i repressed these emotions. i ignored how i felt for so long but focussed on how to help and heal others. i never let anyone get close to me to love me back. the first step is acknowledging what is happening, then understanding it, then learning how to fix it! i am glad we are here watching this video on the journey to healing. and i am sorry to people hurt by FA's.
@oromtitiwbo5078
Жыл бұрын
@@sunbeam9222 I am FA but I dont lash out at people. lashing is not associated with FA but maybe how this individual took out his feelings of anxiousness, fear of rejection. he is projecting his insecurities. he is being abusive by the sounds of it so please move on from him you deserve more respect. i also had an ex who was most likely Anxiously Attached. when i was sick in bed with infection he yelled at me over text for not coming to his house and hanging out with him and his friends. he called me "selfish" and said I abandoned him. mind you i came over almost every day and didnt for only 1-2 days and he said this. he never once asked if I was ok. I never even told him I was sick because I didn't feel safe to. I put his feelings over mine and when I recovered I acted like nothing happened and kept travelling to visit him. trust me it is not healthy when a partner is in "me me me" mode. if you see that, leave them alone because they will not change and it will even get worse over time.
@oromtitiwbo5078
Жыл бұрын
@@sunbeam9222 yes it sounds like he is going through the perpetual swing of Avoidant to Anxious that FA live through on a daily basis. it is a living hell for both the FA and also their partner! I am sorry you experienced that but I can say he most likely will try to re-enter your life due to your understanding and patience. after I set my boundary my ex is still trying to re-enter my life. it is good to set good boundaries and not tolerate that from him or anyone ever again. I also am learning how to set boundaries and what is acceptable/what is not. life is a learning experience! thank you for sharing I wish you the best❤️😊🙏🏽
@oromtitiwbo5078
Жыл бұрын
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you I also wish you the same! yes try to share with me your ideas I appreciate them
@lifecoachingtoronto
Жыл бұрын
Basically letting an FA do their thing or they'll lose attraction. What do you think?
@brandonwasemiller8713
Жыл бұрын
as a person who is working on being more secure as an FA, at least as a man, my gf complains that we don't do enough together(she means going out). I explained that while we can do more of that(she's anxiously attached), I always thought of things like even just sitting around not doing much, say sitting in the same room, as spending time together. I think different definitions of "quality time" is a big factor
@lifecoachingtoronto
Жыл бұрын
@@brandonwasemiller8713 Right. Cool if I offer what I think could help?
@brandonwasemiller8713
Жыл бұрын
@@lifecoachingtoronto sure, why not? thanks
@lifecoachingtoronto
Жыл бұрын
@@brandonwasemiller8713 Cool. I think one think to help you is to know the being an FA is a pattern, not who you are inside. You can never be truly secure if you identify yourself as an FA. So what helps if knowing that inside you're actually secure. You've just been running a pattern all these years. It just about removing the conditioning to get back to who you really are, even though I know it may seem hard, it's actually easier (in my experience coaching people). What do you think Brandon? :)
@brandonwasemiller8713
Жыл бұрын
@@lifecoachingtoronto That's a good point. I do realize it's a pattern. The point is making new habits, I agree.
@tlc8925
Жыл бұрын
😳I wonder if I'm a fearful avoidant to some degree.. I have quite a low tolerance.. I will say that I don't have a problem speaking up
@sterlingsmith4474
Жыл бұрын
If you want to live in a relationship by your partners rules/demands then pick a FA. Everything is about the FA. The FA wants you when and how they want you, with little or no concern for their partners feels, wants or needs. The FA brings little of themselves to the relationship, rarely will tell about their feelings or the relationship and in no way cheers for their partner or supports them when their partner is down. Intermediate reinforcement comes natural to an FA so they love bomb, breadcrumb and can addict their partner to them. Don’t go there.
@the_infinity_channel
Жыл бұрын
Men or women you have to grow up you can not live in your trauma that you had with someone who is FA....this things that you mention have all toxic persons it could be any attachment style actually. Just get out and don't let past experience put you in box or you to become FA.
@CorvusCoroneCanisLupusSawel
Жыл бұрын
Totally agree with that. I was secure, now I'm anxious and suffering psychologically. I'm in my 40's and never experienced anything like this before
@megyalilaballad
Жыл бұрын
FAs are traumatised overgrown children who never healed. The best strategy is: stay away completely once the curtains rise. FAs are a combination of Cluster B and Cluster C personalities: Narcissists, BPD, Fearfulness, Avoidant, etc… Shoot, there’s even an element of Cluster A Schizophrenia with their delusions of perceived violations of imaginary boundaries and the delusion of perceived communication. Dangerous… Very dangerous for the self. Even the most secure person will end up traumatised after becoming emotionally bonded with and attached to the FA and their disturbing and traumatising ways. Big trouble lies ahead down that path. Now that you’ve had the experience, stay away at the first signs and red flags for your own sanity. ⛔️ 🚩
@henryzhao4622
Жыл бұрын
When these things happen do you truly lose love or fears just overwhelm your feelings until you feel safe and the feelings come back to fore
@Shay_Olson
6 ай бұрын
Do you have any videos that address how someone who experienced these exact scenarios with their FA ex might reinspire said ex to reconsider or reevaluate their feelings?
@fubao588
5 ай бұрын
After losing attraction, they will not talk anymore?
@Gemisnotmyname
Жыл бұрын
i lose interest quick sometimes over nothing
@Present4
Жыл бұрын
When Thais wears blue, her eyes distract me from what she says. 🙈
@kristinmeyer4929
Жыл бұрын
If a FA blocks you randomly without much warning or explanation does it mean they lost attraction for you? Will they ever come back in this situation? I’m very confused as I’ve just been blocked for 2 weeks now & I’m not sure what happened.
@iWANDER262
Жыл бұрын
they probably feel too vulnerable and panicked. You most likely did nothing wrong.
@Anmadis
Жыл бұрын
It's hard to comment on why without having insight into your specific situation and dynamic, but I'm sorry you're experiencing that. It's likely that the FA felt overwhelmed in some type of way and seemingly doesn't know how to resolve the situation or communicate in a healthy way. I hope this person does unblock you and explains what happened, but if I were you I'd personally consider whether I want to pursue something romantic with a person who would put you in that type of situation/emotional limbo. Being "randomly" blocked without the person having any idea why sounds very extreme to me, and as an FA myself I can't imagine doing that to someone. However, I can imagine it likely has something to do with that person and something they are struggling with/processing internally but are unable or unwilling to share.
@blaxpoitation8528
Жыл бұрын
@@sunbeam9222 I really like what you said. And appreciate your POV. Despite the fact that you broke it off, you made the time and effort to explain yourself and your position, without being cold, rude and hurtful. That’s a very mature way of dealing with people. Even in the midst of a situation like this one. You should have a podcast or do Tedtalks or something lol.
@TJ-nq5nt
Жыл бұрын
Outfit looks great on you.
@v1a1n1o1
Жыл бұрын
I made last four mistake, i swear :D
@karenholtzclaw3135
Жыл бұрын
This from you?
@janedoe3648
Жыл бұрын
If they're narcissists, major reason
@apricotsapricotsapricots
Жыл бұрын
🧡
@MybabyboyIra
Жыл бұрын
Million miles an hour! 😂😂😂
@doug3819
Жыл бұрын
Not impressed with this person, at least tracy marks famous psychiatrist on KZitem occasionally answers or comments on people posting. This person is impersonal and doesn't !
@Colormeimpressed3000
Жыл бұрын
Definitely avoidant here. Broken trust turns me off like nothing else. I’m open to almost anything and don’t lie so if I can’t trust someone, I get almost repulsed
@vindicationwolvensworn512
Жыл бұрын
You just get the idea that imperfect disappointment is on its way inevitably, so you give up before it gets too serious, or you just simply don't ever start it to begin with. We want ideal perfection ( an entirely unrealistic, unachivable goal) and so that sabotages a FA's love life, ( hell, even their sex life) we can't accept that things will not last, and will eventually go sour and so we project and catastrophy something that didn't have to happen. ( Its the same with early and unprepared quitting from a job) it has less to do with personal offenses, like you point out in this video, and more to do with hating the reality that nothing good can last. The SOURCE of the FA's fear, is disillusionment of seeming goodness, we have a cynical and skeptical view on people and the world, and its really all because deep down, we wish we could be hopeless romantics, that could live by our true emotions, but everytime we can remember expressing them, they we're quickly taken advantage of, ( which leads to WHAT you are talking about, but not WHY it happens) So we push down all those emotions, consider them to be weaknesses we can't afford, prefer to be cold and alone, because we are embittered against a world that has taken advantage of us time and time again. So if anyone Opens up in a friendly, or kind way, we automatically distrust them, see them as disingenuous, with ulterior motives. I Would honestly have a better time with someone who hated me, then someone who pretended to like me. The haters honesty i can trust, but the kind faker, is just a faker after all. Being alone is a safety mechanism for people like me.
@lizzzarduh
Жыл бұрын
Do you think you can change? What if someone showed you genuine love..
@vindicationwolvensworn512
Жыл бұрын
@@lizzzarduh It all Depends on how long it would last. With people like that, usually you have to shit test them first, to see where their real motives are coming from. I normally leave people alone, but if i find someone to be exceptional, i usually just admire them from afar, but i never initiate anything, because i don't wanna jump the gun on assumptions that it could turnout okay, because more often then not, its not the case. Overall, the person would have to be truly exceptional for me to fully commit, i mean they would have to be everything everyone else is not normally. Hyper positive people especially seem to be hiding behind a mask, which is why, while i might be attracted to a girl at first appearances, if she is just needy or manipulative, i just nope out. You gotta look beyond the superficial level, thats the key.
Пікірлер: 214