It's "weird, how many times i have heard "don't be a victim", when I was actually just trying to share about trauma, not with self pity but trying to find people with who I could discuss it. And it says a lot about the misunderstanding around the topic. Because they actually should say "don't stay in a victim's position".I mean that this sentence, "don't be a victim" is often used by people who don't want to see what happened to them, so they kill the messenger . Confusing.
@NanoB1802
3 ай бұрын
Yer I'm surrounded by alot of people who had messed up things happen to them but they won't recognise that because they don't want to be "victims" and i have to deal with their broken souls who constantly try to break me even more.
@elainehiggins713
3 жыл бұрын
When I look back I realize how easy it was for me to fall farther into the victim mentality when the “therapists” i went to for help seemed to indulge me by listening to all my crying and whining and complaining about my childhood and subsequent traumas, then sent me to my psychiatrist who labeled me with whatever card he drew from the DSM-5, then prescribed me meds to “fix” me. Then I made an appointment for next week, for next month, year after year after year after year. When I finally realized what was going on (after forty years!), I was really angry (anger is my first go-to). Then I remembered what I had finally learned: I am driving this boat! I will not go back to blaming someone else for whatever they did, even therapists or doctors. They were simply like my parents- screwing up their job. It doesn’t make any difference whether they were aware of their incompetence or not, I am now driving this boat. God, I feel so powerful! And peaceful.
@venusdoom90
3 жыл бұрын
I do agree with you on the fact that people should resolve their traumas and insecurities, but I find the term 'victim mentality' quite dismissive. There are individuals who go through immense pain and trauma caused by other individuals and it's not their fault, no one chooses to be victimised. I think that the term 'victim mentality' has become one of those ambiguous psychological buzz words that no one really understands but it's being used excessively (like 'narcissist' 'psychopath'). I think it should be redefined to 'hopelessness mentality'. Being victimised is something out of one's control, it's other people who do it to us. Accusing someone of having a victim mentality could even further cripple their sense of worth as it implies that such individuals are not entitled to feel angry, sad or betrayed.
@venusdoom90
3 жыл бұрын
@@circleoflife3806 Absolutely. I don't know if you have noticed but when talking in regards to victim mentality there's a commonly used term 'survivor' which I find utterly patronising. Having described someone shallowly as 'survivor' cunningly dismisses the very trauma and also synthetically auto-redeems the perpetrator as by using this word the victim is stripped of the ability to express their vexation. I find it very ironic how open and accepting todays society illustrates itself yet there is still so much disregard to challenging psychological stigmas and taints.
@Barbara_Banks_1
3 жыл бұрын
Healing can be very difficult when one has PTSD. You haven't control over the triggers, that set off the memories. Sometimes, talking about it will only temporarily momentarily aleaviate you.. (hence the use of a therapist) ... However, learning to heal, is the learning to self validate, re-parent yourself and love yourself. That is what will move you from being a victim, to become a victor... Healing is a process... And takes a lot of time for those of us that experienced repeated traumas. My advice; Never give up on YOU! You're worth it. :)
@tnt01
3 жыл бұрын
therapy and medication is often needed at the start of PTSD. No shame.
@MirceaKitsune
2 жыл бұрын
I know this one so well, very nicely spoken.
@Thatsbannanas-d8c
2 жыл бұрын
I have noticed I get triggered without any trigger. I just have a raw CNS. I get so angry when I get shut down.
@sherriflemming3218
4 ай бұрын
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk Safe People by Henry Cloud
@Barbara_Banks_1
4 ай бұрын
@@sherriflemming3218For me, some of those titles alone, were concerning. I looked into “The untethered soul”, and he speaks of yoga, and eastern religious techniques. I was following the New age philosophies for 15 years. A lot of these teachings are “cultish”, and I avoid them. Anyways, some of these ideologies, did more harm than good for me… call me a recovering “new ager” lol.
@sublimesamoyed
3 жыл бұрын
This one hits the nail on the head. It’s not a victim mentality to acknowledge the grief and wrongs that were done, it’s a victim mentality to expect somebody else to fix the broken parts of us that remain. There is seeking support and there is seeking a rescuer - two very different things. I run an online SMART Recovery meeting for fellows seeking recovery from addiction and maladaptive behaviors and I’ve noticed a surge in participants demanding other participants use different language that doesn’t hurt their feelings, even when what was said was not directed at them or intending to offend. When the language doesn’t clearly cross a line, I’ve been trying to encourage the people who are triggered to do their own self reflection and parent themselves rather than expecting the whole discussion to be moderated in such a way as to make them “feel safe.” This is not a kind world, but we truly can cultivate within ourselves the self nurturance and resiliency to cope with that and even thrive despite it.
@ElectrikCandies
3 жыл бұрын
I honestly can't agree with this. This tendency that you see is not, in my opinion, a bad thing at all. It's a very, very good thing. I grew up in an extremely abusive family, and the worst part of my education is that I was groomed to become a chronic rescuer. In my household, nothing was ever asked or said, and you were expected to guess everything in order to avoid being beaten or called every slur possible. I never learned to express my boundaries, and never learned to accept when people told me theirs. I developed severe addictions to deal with the several unhealthy relationships I had throughout my 20s. The biggest lesson/wake up call was a few years ago, when I realized there was no magic universal way to please everyone, or no magical way to act so people would fill your every wish and fantasy. You need to be proactive, clear and intentional. You need to communicate. It's not because someone ask things that they can't simultaneously realize they need to work on it, and actually do. Let me give you an example: Your friend had a miscarriage a year ago. While discussing with her, you randomly start talking about how you and your significant other are planning to have a baby. Possible reaction #1 (unhealthy): Your friend listens to you, but feel hurt, triggered and vulnerable. They don't tell you right away so the situation doesn't get weird, you feel well. A few days later, they explode. They tell you how you should've known not to talk about this, that it is all your fault, and how terrible of a friend you are. You feel inadequate and terrible. The overall message is that you should guess how your friend feels at all time, otherwise you're a bad person. Possible reaction #2 (healthy): Your friend tells you that even tho they miscarried a year ago, they're still struggling to figure out how to overcome this trauma. That talking about babies brings back the hurt feelings, that they are working on figuring out how, but that even tho it was a year ago, it's still too soon. You both feel awkward on the moment, but you both know where each other stands. You change the subject and discuss something else. You both feel adequate and understood. Next time you need to talk about children, you choose to share it with someone else. The overall message is that relationships are complex, but that you can count on your friend to tell you when they don't feel well about something so you can be on the same page. They don't make you responsible for their feelings.
@sublimesamoyed
3 жыл бұрын
@@ElectrikCandies I think you don’t agree with what I said because you are misunderstanding what I am saying. Clearly and politely expressed boundaries are incredibly healthy, as is realizing that when your boundaries get crossed it is your own job to move away from that relationship. We can only control ourselves, not other people. Taking into account the example you have, I see a healthy interaction as being the scenario where the friend who miscarried says how she feels and asks the other person to reframe from baby talk for a while, but then if other other friend doesn’t then the friend who miscarried is not well suited to feel victimized, but should rather find a new friendship where her boundaries are respected. That is an internal locus of control. Boundaries are not saying what make you feel safe and then EXPECTING the other person not to violate them while at the same time never have consequences or taking decisive action when a boundary is violated. In the whole point I made about the meeting I run, the problem isn’t that the group members share their boundaries in meetings, it’s that they will private message ME To steer the conversation the way they want it to go rather than directly telling the other person or whole group. That is a problem, particularly when the topics can be rather benign to 95% or the other participants but the one or two participants who don’t like something expect me to step in instead of communicating their desires on their own to the other members directly. And, if the other members don’t want to refrain from a topic that is not overtly a problem with the group as a whole, the one who is trigger by the topic would be well suited to leave the meeting rather than expect the entire discussion to be one they enjoy and feel good about. We each need to ultimately be accountable for our own well-being in adulthood.
@ElectrikCandies
3 жыл бұрын
@@sublimesamoyed ahhhh, gotcha!!! Your comment didn't specify that people were actually asking you, as an "authority" figure to ask for their needs to be specified or respected. I can see a few situations where it could be applicable, but really not so many. People with cluster B personality disorders or cluster B traits, especially, tend to cling to external validation and that could even be detrimental for their growth to act in such a way. These people also do so-so in group therapy if it's not coupled with an individual therapy on the side, tho. I agree that realizing it is in your own power to leave relationships when they're not respectful is a crucial thing to understand. It's sad, because that kind of behavior sets you up for perpetual failure. I work with people with severe mental illness and I told one of them lately "everytime you expect someone to take care of your needs, you also let them control an aspect of your life." I didn't see a "surge" like you did tho, I simply think most human beings have evolved a lot in the last decades or so and we're collectively getting better at spotting that kind of behavior. About every person I know has an older family member who's completely entitled and think everyone should anticipate and meet their every tiny feelings and dispositions, so I don't think it's something new!
@gingerisevil02
3 жыл бұрын
This is very validating I get accused of having a victim mentality simply for being open. I don't expect others to fix me by simply sharing, it's frustrating. My "father" sexually abused me and yet he has one of the biggest victim mentality I know; "I feel suicidal." "Yea? Well you make ME feel suicidal!" The entiltment I disturbing. Men have some of the biggest victim mentality I know, expecting their partners to mother them and feeling victimized when women tell them "no." Violent, sexually offending, and rageful when called out, still feeling like the world owes them, that women owe them
@powertreadssupremacy
2 жыл бұрын
That is largely a result of damaged childhoods and bad mothers. Men were once boys and boys were once infants.
@naileaolivas1402
2 жыл бұрын
@@powertreadssupremacy why blame it all ont he mothers 😆 it takes two what about the dad?
@kazbah1217
Жыл бұрын
@@naileaolivas1402 2 mums in this now twisted world
@mikeexits
Жыл бұрын
@@naileaolivas1402 True. My dad's dad (vast majority of my family on my dad's side is Italian but there's a bit of Cherokee too, legitimately, from 3 or 4 genrerations back) physically beat him bloody in a house of more than a dozen and a half in the Carolinas. And an older cousin orally raped him at 8 or 9. I've never met such a messy, abrasive, openly vindictive and bitter, resentful, spiteful, begrudging person before. At the same time though he uses this trauma to fuel his fierce love for his 2 sons (my mom had a 3rd child with some awful guy who won't even communicate with his daughter to this day at 22 years old, he just blackmailed my mom sexually and left one day when I was a child - he was technically my step-dad but I didn't see him that way, in fact one of my earliest memories was meeting him for the first time and being scared and trying to get away from him, perhaps there was some darkness I saw in him - almost a preteen, and this - having a child with not just another guy but *THAT* guy specifically made it many times worse - was the last straw for my dad along with divorce and child custody courts) who he always reminds are the "only good things" in his life. He really genuinely feels as if life itself is out to screw him, often repeating the mantra "I should just die, get it all over with" with a fantasizing, euphoric tone, or "life is hard, then you die" with seemingly absolute rock-solid confidence that life is pure misery. It's very sad and it's draining too but sometimes I just have to suck it up so he doesn't feel so lonely, because I'm one of the only ones who can genuinely handle his shit when he gets uppity, which has lead to him letting a bit more out but because he, unlike my mom, actually acknowledges when he does wrong and while progress is painfully slow he is trying. It's probably not even worth it for me and I might have a savior complex going on in the background, but to me it feels like the right thing to do. Like how mature comic book heroes make sacrifices to do the right thing, which is one of my sources of inspiration. My mom is all of these darker things too, but she's better at hiding it, and any little piece of her life narrative that doesn't fall in line how she "needs" it to either gets tossed away and forgotten or manipulated. She doesn't share as much about the family with me. She claims "ask and I'll tell" but then why hasn't she told me in 26 years? There's something fishy going on and because my dad is more than willing to share with me the missing pieces of my past I've been able to paint a clearer picture of what happened to all of us. The journey has been interesting. Tough, very tough, but worth it overall. There's a lot of detail to my story as with anyone else's but I just wanted to briefly validate your point with my own lived experience and I ended up stuffing this comment to the brim anyway, lol. I hope you're doing well these days.
@loriyearwood3059
3 жыл бұрын
After a lot of journaling, meditating and weeping, the need for others to make things better has dissipated enormously.
@jjtang7533
3 жыл бұрын
Proud of you!
@mariahconklin4150
2 жыл бұрын
I did some journaling on the bus the other day and started crying and shut my eyes. I was completely dissociated. Now I’m trying to not rely on others. I think journaling is going to work for me. I need to see my process of failing and not succeeding and why I keep failing in life. I see what my parents did wrong and what now I can do right. I no longer rely on my parents but am relying too much on my boyfriend. Now I’m trying to decide if I want counseling at church and who I want to be counseled by.
@sherriflemming3218
4 ай бұрын
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Toxic Parents by Susan Forward Safe People by Henry Cloud
@threethrushes
3 жыл бұрын
I was compelled to be my own mother and father in my life. Turns out, I could parent myself adequately. Gives me confidence to be an actual parent in the future.
@niveajones6400
3 жыл бұрын
A Buddhist nun called me a “victim” at a talk after I asked too many annoying, self-pity filled questions. I got hurt and left with my tail between my legs but...she was right. I took me several months to see it.
@venusdoom90
3 жыл бұрын
That's interesting, can you give an instance of the questions you asked her?
@niveajones6400
3 жыл бұрын
@@venusdoom90 I was asking questions about AI turning humans into, at best house cats, and at worst tools of the system. And when she talked about having both "wisdom and compassion" for her alcoholic brother by loving him from afar, I asked "what if you live with your alcoholic brother?" She blew up at me and all the other people at the retreat cheered her on. It was painful for me. But to be fair, I don't think I am wrong about AI being cruel to humans. I THINK her larger point was something about AI merely being a reflection of human consciousness and so not some special boogeyman to be peeing my pants over.
@venusdoom90
3 жыл бұрын
@@niveajones6400 wow... she shouldn't have reacted this way. Its so immature, if anything she is insecure because you hit the nail with the comment on her brother and she didn't like that. Be careful with spiritual gurus and things like that as they are really cultish. Anything that challenges their narrative is a threat to them. Im really sorry that you had to go through that.
@Kuutamo73
3 жыл бұрын
I have learned not to idealize anyone, including Buddhist nuns! Who is she to label you in a certain way?
@niveajones6400
3 жыл бұрын
@@Kuutamo73 I don't think I'm presenting this properly. She helped me a lot actually. It was exactly her abrasive demeanor that allowed me to listen to her dharma talks in the first place. Her followers were a bit sycophantic that day however her point was valid...but I was too immature to digest it at that moment.
@angelawhitmore3317
3 жыл бұрын
This is a really westernised, individualistic perspective. If people are oppressed on a macro level, how is it possible for them to be responsible for not being victims?
@HH-kg4fq
9 ай бұрын
1000000%!!!!! Agree with you!!! May I ask what country you're from???? You're the first person who has the same opinion as me on this issue!!!
@stephenseger19
3 жыл бұрын
You may no longer be in practice but you certainly influence mine. Thank you
@amandatenney3028
3 жыл бұрын
I think the wrong people often get accused of the "victimentality" or "playing the victim." It bothers me so much because it makest hard to find allies that actually understand what's happening to you. My biggest fear of reaching out to people is them callinge a wallower as my own aggressors haveone just thq. So mny children get acused by parents nd parenting "experts" of "plying the victim card." Buthe truth is, those children really are being victimized. The mentality side doesn't apply there. When people gohroughhe healthy grieving process and hold people ccountableor their harsh actions, they get falsely accused of the "victimentality." The truth is, to heal, you needo recognize you've been victimized (don't beat yourself up for feeling like the victim) and grieve it out ofour body. Sadly, the people who truly areorking on their healing process are always the ones who get accused of "playing the victim role" and I just think that's sickening. In my healing process, I don't mess with the "mentality" or "mindset" side of things because then, I'm just doing what my aggressors wanted me to do: invalidate my true feelings. I hate when people sy, "stop being a victim" because it takeshe focus away from the healing proces2 and makes you feel guilty for grieving. Lastly, I HATE when these self-help people and so-called experts say, "You're not the victim; they are," (they meaning the aggressors). What they want you do do is feel sorry for the abuser instead of healing yourself. I fn't buyin' that.
@YNWAmtc
3 жыл бұрын
You're talking about victims being deluded and that might be so, but I think it's equally deluded to expect some people to be able to heal while they are still exploited. It's wanting to believe that suffering is always a personal choice. I am sure that is a comfortable rule to believe given your own personal journey, but there are obstacles other people have had that you never did.
@TiffanyWestNyc
3 жыл бұрын
Exactly! I’m in shock hearing this from him he sounds like the rest of society when they victim blame
@enlightenedturtle9507
3 жыл бұрын
@Epik lol
@AdairZionist
3 жыл бұрын
Always look forward to new videos. I rarely hit the bell on youtube channels, but I like to see your new vids when they're released. Keep up the good work.
@endcgm9277
9 ай бұрын
I see “victim mentality” as a step toward healing, just as “anger, denial, depression” are some of the steps in the grieving process The problem isn’t having a victim mentality per se, but GETTING STUCK in this stage of healing one’s trauma. Perhaps the best way to help someone out of this stage is to acknowledge that they ARE a victim, without CODDLING their victimhood mentality, and encouraging them to grow as a person.
@evalinda5246
3 жыл бұрын
Omg, I needed to hear this reminder rn! I kind of tend to be “guilty” of this kind of thinking. Thank you.
@bdmenne
3 жыл бұрын
Me too
@pinkythepolarbear5272
3 жыл бұрын
Same here. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I feel completely hopeless, especially about the world itself 🌍🐿🐿🐿🐿🐿🐿🐿🐿
@jaysmithcool
3 жыл бұрын
They broke it, and you have to fix it.
@ERNIE555
3 жыл бұрын
Yes sucks big time...but since no one else can obviously do this job...that’s the only thing that will work!
@ninaj6051
3 жыл бұрын
Something that bothers me the most is how others can blame me for it, when I'm actually deliberately trying to grow out of it, and how they, on the other hand, enable others who are coddling themselves all the time. How those people have all the attention they want, yet it seems when you grow, you are left onto your own devices.
@elonever.2.071
3 жыл бұрын
Yes and those enablers aren't doing them any favors, it is all to make themself feel better. They get off on thinking they are helping when they are keeping the coddled stuck. Know that you are healing when they dont want to be enable you anymore, you have outgrown them, that is a good sign. Now you have to help yourself go from victim to empowered. One of the best ways that worked for me is to ask what was my part in it, why do I keep winding up in the same situation. It takes some alone time and some introspection to do it, but it is worth it. With every little victory you get with this process be proud of yourself, pat yourself on the back because although it may seem small, it is huge that you have changed direction and are now facing the direction to get out of that mess. Once you start getting some success you will start to see early on how you are enabling others to keep you in victim mode. Then the next step is to empower yourself and nope out of those situations. Eventually you will spot the red flags at a distance and avoid victim hood altogether. It is a process, it takes time and determination, be easy on yourself, don't shame yourself for falling short once in a while. Do the ole what did I do right? What did I do wrong? and learn from it. Think of it as a bad habit that you have to retrain yourself out of doing. Sometimes the best way to get rid of a bad habit is to replace it with a new healthier habit; why not try empowerment. Remember it is a process.
@mike4490
3 жыл бұрын
I had this problem of wallowing in my traumas. Its nice to put your problembs on others since nothing is your fault. I enjoyed wallowing in my sorrows. In a wierd sense just crying and wallowing in my depression and sorrow gave me a strange sense of comfort and euphoria in a wierd sense. Glad I stopped that.
@jordanferguson2254
2 жыл бұрын
@Sodium Chloride, thank you for your comments, I agree with you🍀
@Not2DaySatan224
7 ай бұрын
Wow! I love your insightful discussion on this and where my moms concerned it rings true…I’m hurrying up to remember just how bad it was and grieve it for my brain and body’s and life’s sake. I want to live fully before I die. As who I was meant to be… not the lord they told my about the bad and worthless person they wanted me to be. Thank you for this.
@daniellfourie
8 ай бұрын
Again Daniel, making 100% sense!!!
@princeofb7383
5 ай бұрын
And also...how can I possibly not walk around feeling like/acting like a martyr when ...I truly feel like the injustice of having to spend years of daily healing and self care rituals and hard work (I'm not talking about in the therapists office, that's the easy part, I mean actually DOING the work) Essentially cleaning up after other people's dirty work? Incant keep taking deep breaths and saying out loud 5 things that I love about life. Eventually I just feel absolutely psychotic.
@sofiasonia8095
3 жыл бұрын
Well what if they don't now how to do it. They don't now how to grow up. It is an unconscious process to expect someone else to heel you. When psychotherapy promises you that will heel you you expect this expectation to be fulfilled. So you become part of this game without knowing it. And therapists do support this position strongly. Being in therapy many years no therapist told me that I don't need him or her. I don't need a therapist if I can heel my self so Noone will tell you that.
@karolinebreslin5550
3 жыл бұрын
Socially engineered into shame. Shame is a huge huge problem amongst survivors in this competitive uber judgemental world.
@lynnmarieanderson1744
3 жыл бұрын
Daniel, I admit I have a victim mentality and I don't know how to grow from it. I just don't know how anymore. And I'm 50 years old. I've been through lots of therapy that hasn't helped, and a therapist betrayed me and made me worse. I don't know what's going to help anymore. I can't even hold down a job. I survive on disability and I feel worthless. I will shut up now.
@billybob-vy4sw
3 жыл бұрын
You may start with Daniels videos on healing and grieving. Also you may need a health coach, 1- do you have any sleep issues 2-are you eating healthy 3- do you exercise Yoga and the meditation that goes with it will help. There are yoga centers that are inexpensive non profits- I know of one in queens ny What state do you live?
@lynnmarieanderson1744
3 жыл бұрын
@@billybob-vy4sw Thank you for reaching out to me. I live in Michigan. Today I tried to reach out to get a therapist, but she wants to charge $125 a session, forget it!!!! I feel like such a broken person. I feel worthless. I've been through the mental health system, nothing seems to have helped.
@harrywallington185
3 жыл бұрын
Have you admitted this before? And this situation is quite a public one, too, so well done! It could be quite a powerful first step to take away from that? Just sit with it for a while? You might just find that you soon feel just a little less of a victim, and a little more empowered and in charge of your life after all. It's quite possible you may then find that there will be ordinary people around, who despite not being formally trained - can gradually encourage you in your journey forward. So it need not cost you any more $ - except maybe whatever you might need to invest in activities & environments where such naturally supportive people will often be found. No guarantees, obviously - but all the very best with that if you do!
@lynnmarieanderson1744
3 жыл бұрын
@@harrywallington185 Well, thank you. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Psychiatrists and therapy and psyche wards have not helped me. I'm not sure what will, but maybe I'm on the right track and I don't know it. I've always loved music. Music is what gets me through anything. The only way out is through.
@harrywallington185
3 жыл бұрын
@@lynnmarieanderson1744 Yes, it's very unfortunate when therapists are exploitative - something that damages the entire profession. Regarding music - I happen to run a community music program specifically exploring the healing potential of music - rather than focusing on performance as such! And we do use some improvisation - but actually popular music is our mainstay as this is usually where so many of our embedded memories will be linked. Obviously we can't meet in person at the moment, but hopefully will at least be starting a Zoom discussion program soon in the same 'personal development' vein - that you'd be welcome to join if the time difference works (we're in the UK). Just drop us a line - abbeywoodcommunitysound (at) gmail.com I guess that's the beauty of the virtual platforms - although I've been somewhat reluctant to adopt them up to now - for a while couldn't really think of how to adapt...but hopefully have come up with something interesting now. But hopefully there will be something more local to you, too?
@paulmyers9049
3 жыл бұрын
I think it depends, some people have worse parents than others, or worse relationships, and other extenuating circumstances not to say that trauma isnt trauma, but getting outside of messed up circumstances and just absorbing moral strength and clarity from the universe isnt always SO easy, but I love these vids though..
@fatimaameur1162
3 жыл бұрын
That is soooo true! Thanks Daniel! Needed to be shared with most people as possible! I absolutely 100% agree that most adults have this victim mentality...myself including. The more we let ourselves go trough the pain and griefs the more we let go this victim mentality and we heal ourselves...The more we become responsible for ourselves the more we become free!
@Mindful-Path
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for the information. This was clarifying and helpful.
@kojimapromeatspin
3 жыл бұрын
You have answered a question that I have wondered about for many years. Thank you, Daniel!
@almam.6880
Жыл бұрын
To which extent is having this "Mentality" a matter of choice? What makes someone transition from a state of disempowerment to a state of empowerment? Does everyone have the ability to "parent" oneself? the objectivity, the intelligence, the ability to analyze, perseverance, enough amount of self-interest , observational skills, compassion, will power ... What does "Having a mentality" even mean? A belief? A self-image? A way of seeing the world? Is there a difference between "Having a victim mentality" - Whatever that means- and "using" the status of a victim for social gains, approval etc. Does it mean that someone "could" change their situation/ life but they are choosing not to? Or that they "could" change it but they aren't aware of their ability to? Is it to be decided objectively what another person can or can't do? You seem to describe a sense of entitlement justified by inability to change a situation. " Life owe me", "Others owe me" a better life. What does " be saved" in this context even mean? It seems to me, from what you were saying, that the request (demand) isn't change or saving but rather validation or the so called pity. The term is unclear and in fact misleading, in my opinion.
@toneloc-cz2xi
11 ай бұрын
Whinging is a habit. A very annoying habit. Like smoking it can be very hard 4 people to shake the addiction. 'Victim Mentality' refers to people addicted to whinging/moaning etc. AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS
@tnt01
3 жыл бұрын
Very insightful.
@FROFilmsIRE
3 жыл бұрын
Daniel, looks like you’re back home in the big apple.
@andrewparry1474
3 жыл бұрын
Another great video, thanks Daniel! It's something that I think deserves more attention, and i am pleased to see that Sam Vaknin is also doing a series on it now.
@bluemoony102
10 ай бұрын
3:42 🙏🏼 4:00 4:15 4:24
@skimmilkm
3 жыл бұрын
Very nice to finally hear your thoughts on this subject finally! This has been bugging me to no end recently after watching some of my favorite growing young KZitemrs mess things up and make their own dreaded "apology video" that really just amounts to them ruminating about how bad they are as a human for the entire time KZitem lets them upload. Even worse is when the senior "adults" of their little communities jump in and pile on and enable this self-pity. No one wants each other to grow on these online communities, it's all about positioning themselves to look like they fit in by showing how much they call out bad behavior instead of calling out where their predictable bad behavior actually starts: their shared split-off emotional suffering!
@liviareyna6704
7 ай бұрын
So I have this weird thing where many people like 3 people tried to become saviors towards me the one with the victim mentality. I denied every single one of them because I do not like being controlled. So even though sometimes I thought they had a good idea I would not do it because I did not want to give them the satisfaction of controlling me. Which I find that many saviors are controlling because when ever I refused to be the child to their parent attitude they would lash out at me. Become irritable angry resentful and revengeful. All because I refuse to have THEM save me with their wonderful ideas and plans for my future. They would hardly even know me or take into consideration anything that I wanted. They did NOT want me to have full control and domain over my life. I do have a victim mentality but I also did not want someone to infantilize me. I don't know how this would fit with the whole saviors and victims coming together in a shared fantasy. Because I rejected all my potential saviors.
@idcb6718
3 жыл бұрын
Another part of the puzzle, thanks
@HH-kg4fq
9 ай бұрын
LET'S NOT UNDERSTAND WHYYYY THE VICTIM IS HELD LIABLE AND RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT THE ABUSERS DID TO THE VICTIMS
@alb1461
3 жыл бұрын
i rate this video highly... subscribed
@cosmicallis7936
3 жыл бұрын
I used to have a wicked bad victim mentality..sadly i pushed alot of good people away😔😔 but on the upside it was a big wake up call to look more deeply into myself, from multiple perspectives. Iv done alot of work since then, bn clean for 6 years and although i still have plenty of work left to do, iv come a long way!!☺☺☺
@joshuawatkins2708
3 жыл бұрын
Great Video!
@HakuCell
3 жыл бұрын
but what are the causes of victim mentality? it may be conditional love, so you learn that you can only get love if you are victim. or another example, if your parents defend you within fights with your sibling only when you play the victim, victimism becomes a weapon, sort of speak. to counter the rather individualistic perspective of this video, I'd like to quote Johann Hari in the ted talk titled "this could be why you're depressed or anxiuos", where he states "don't be yourself. be us".
@daisy7066
3 жыл бұрын
So what is your answer to the victimisation and harassment which goes on into adulthood? Rememberng victim history doesn't stop it happening in the now. Seeing a therapist can also be "external salvation", I'm not convinced by this vid. My ex therapist colluded in a psychotic way with harassment by a relative. I've had to get solicitors involved because of other people's continued behaviour (harassment bordering on criminality) & make a formal complaint. Until the practical real problems were dealt with (victimisation & harassment) there can be no healing. I think you should make the subtleties clear here, because I've noticed therapists like to confuse external reality where someone is in danger with mental health & victimhood.
@malcolmhull6584
Жыл бұрын
What are people's obligations to each other in a good community/society?
@willd6215
3 жыл бұрын
I may have a bit of this. I feel as if my mother should say sorry for slapping me and if we talked it over it may help my healing journey. Maybe I should let it go, she clearly doesn't want to talk otherwise she wouldn't keep making excuses not to talk
@mariahconklin4150
2 жыл бұрын
I’ll change but then I’ll realize that I’ll go back to the toxic behavior. I’ll then feel guilty when I mess up. 🤦🏽♀️🤷♀️ A lot of the world is shut down I’m the only one crying on the bus these days. Lol! It’s kind of scary.
@Spazz983
3 жыл бұрын
Another great video! Could you do an analysis of Carl yung?
@jboughtin7522
3 жыл бұрын
The tools for empowerment should be taught at a very young age. It can be just as likely though that the psychologically damaged and ignorant can just as easily train youth in the role of victim. But there is always the possibility that those victimized by others can eventually understand their innate power to not be affected by the provocations and foibles of others. If you can get to that point, it can be transformative in a big way and very empowering.
@gloriouscontent3538
Жыл бұрын
The poor vocabulary of the average American also needs to be factored into the discussion. This actually causes lots of problems in other areas of mental health. A lot of people are harmed by confusing narcissism with an extremely high self esteem. There's also times where idiots thinking anyone who is talking to themself is having a psychotic break. A lot of its not a complex, and people really are just that stupid, in my opinion. Great video.
@joannalewis5279
3 жыл бұрын
So you're saying I'm a victim. I knew it!
@karolinebreslin5550
3 жыл бұрын
Have you actually looked at the trauma actually affecting them in such a way that their development missed some growing stages? Dont they need to be told this? That yes they must be mother, father,best friend, healer to themselves. Supported in this?
@karolinebreslin5550
3 жыл бұрын
Mentors to each other, big brother, big sister, best friend that support is essential. It is about helping them grow, that is what ppl need, not saviours or rescuers but tough healthy support and love. It's the only way.
@finallyfinally9317
3 жыл бұрын
Thanks I don't think I understood this properly 🙂 this is really interesting I like the way you have expressed this. Any tips for healing without if spilling out on those around you especially if you have children because it is very hard to heal if you have children or even problematic people around you
@Bluewolf-
3 жыл бұрын
Look into "The Words pdf" by Said Nursi. It's a masterpiece of a work. Today I dreamt about you Sir. We were talking together.
@mariahconklin4150
2 жыл бұрын
My dad won’t grow he’s like this with everyone
@mariahconklin4150
2 жыл бұрын
My dad when I tell him we should talk… Me: we should talk Him: okay but in person Me: okay Him: (sends old texts I sent him telling him what he did wrong with our relationship) Him: yes but we need to talk about the texts you sent me they were very rude. Me: (block him) I call him out on his behavior yet he doesn’t want to hear it. 🤦🏽♀️🤔🤷♀️
@code4738
3 жыл бұрын
Stop being a victim and find a way to become a warrior...
@Sulsfort
3 жыл бұрын
I don't get it. There are psychological problems, that require help from others. I also think, you have an unrealistic concept of adulthood. It's an ideal, that noone is actually living.
@TiffanyWestNyc
3 жыл бұрын
Exactly
@Barbara_Banks_1
3 жыл бұрын
You have a valid point. Especially for those of us who have cPTSD. We need to learn the tools ( often threw counseling) in order to heal ourselves. The healing journey takes time, and effort. I personally use a voice app on my phone. I call it my "voice journal".. for when I am having difficult and troubling memories. I've found this to be a good self-validation and evaluation tool. Plus this way, I not only have my privacy, but I don't feel I'm burdening anyone else with my troubles. I hope this helps... Blessings to you. ☺️
@universal-creator
3 жыл бұрын
Wish you would do a video to help understand why so many are in complete adulation of the last president. I can’t understand it. Disturbing that we came so close to the brink - as a country.
@universal-creator
3 жыл бұрын
@@browncatwithblurredbackgro2461 Pea brain, You have no idea what drives the price of gas
@citisite
3 жыл бұрын
BPD. Kernberg: "Are perpetrators and victims at the same time." Projection. And have a victim subscription.
@enlightenedturtle9507
3 жыл бұрын
Good start. Now make that into an actual sentence.
@sojournerkarunatruth4406
3 жыл бұрын
I’m wondering why exactly it would be “risky” to shine a light on another’s poo-poo pants; I’m not implying that people start being ‘honest to a fault’ but, maybe there **is** a way to get some one to reflect on their own behavior; if you’re genuine and creative, and when/if you sense you have the capacity to encourage or inspire a person that it’s **worth** **the** **effort** to thoroughly wipe your own ass (or something seemingly insignificant that they’re attempting to make another’s responsibility)... It can be exhausting and it should be only done in the context of one’s own reasoning #disclaimer
@havadatequila
3 жыл бұрын
The thought of expecting my parents to "fix" anything is utterly laughable.
@rokpopit
3 жыл бұрын
Sign of victim mentality ?
@kimvannote5024
3 жыл бұрын
The thing is Daniel, they really aren't adults because they've been infantalized by the Trauma of being Abandoned. I understand this very well. Anger, self pity, grief, pain, learned helplessness, shame and denial all come from being rejected and not loved by parents or whoever? Looking for external validation is Codependency in a sense, but I think it's natural for human beings to want and expect that validation and when they don't get it, they really get stuck at that stage still wanting it - denial of the Truth of not getting it and really too immature to look at the truth. Having no boundaries - It's quite Scary. I believe that's a given. We weren't created/designed to be abused and rejected, so we can't accept it and keep looking for it and don't understand why we're not getting it - Narcissism. You really have to wake up and educate yourself on what happened to you and find allies that have experienced this kind of abuse or people that will help us see what is really going on - tell us the truth. A lot of times it takes a lot of pain to hit bottom/wake up to get into recovery. It's a blessing to run into people that will not enable or caretake people that are living in that stuck victimhood. Honestly, I was stuck, arrested developmentally for decades, and I nonchalantly said a Prayer and asked God to heal me from my past wounds, having no idea what that entailed, But he answered my prayer. The Truth! Wow, did he ever, and there's no other way to explain it. I had no clue as to how stuck I really was and how hurt I really was from the abuse. Now I'm on my way out of that Victim Mentality. I tried for years, in my own strength to heal, but I couldn't do it. I needed God's help and he came through. I had to come to my own end in order for this to happen. So Help Me!
@waynemizer4912
3 жыл бұрын
Ancient Middle Eastern Fairy tales.
@kazbah1217
Жыл бұрын
Smug post. You are no better than the rest of us sinner.
@daisy7066
3 жыл бұрын
It's not just about the difference between having a v mentality & healing from it, there's also the small matter of how you're going to maintain that healing & deal with the person concerned. Heal away, but if you're going to continue to be bullied & victimised & harassed even after "healing" yourself, you can kiss your healing goodbye.... I don't think theres anything wrong with feeling sorry for yourself, that's just part of the process. I don't think there's a definition of what is "adult" either, even if you're mature the other person may not be & may not see reason. In the end you may have a serious practical problem to deal with as well.
@princeofb7383
5 ай бұрын
Thanks for this vid. A hard pill to swallow indeed. When exhaustion and depression hits from trying to heal I become wholly a toxic victim. I truly don't believe in my capability or potential to heal to live a life worth living ...but what other choice do I have? I can't give up on myself because then it only perpetuates my mental and physical illnesses.
@yinchimoon
5 ай бұрын
Your comment that people act out that victim behaviour is true. But the question might need to be about how does the wider environment respond to that. Is it easy for people to get help to do the self healing that I do agree is ultimately required ? Or does our society simply refuse to really acknowledge that this person HAS been a victim. A repition of the gaslighting that tends to occur. One of the key aspects to feeling less like a victim, hasn't so much been the emotional expression although that has been there but the growing amount of times that I stand up for myself and for others. That changes the internal narrative of who I am. I don't know that I agree that self pity is always there, I think it is more doubt. Doubt that I can ask for people to treat me differently, speak up about the wrongs being done to others, doubt about my right to feel grief for the loss of the playful child. Self pity is such a judgemental term which suggests more the presence of an inner critic who doesn't cope very well with hurt. The patriarchal society we live in creates and maintains victims... to say individuals are to blame is to deny that truth. Victim consciousness speaks in my view more from the point of view, I don't believe I have power and usually the institutions and people supposedly "helping" me are reinforcing that.
@sinceritynature202
2 жыл бұрын
Was told by my sister, who tormented me growing and who most of PTSD stems from, that I (and my child self) "chose" to be hurt by her actions, and by the actions/words of the adults that failed me, I "chose" to be traumatized by my experiences, and therefore I was "playing the victim" and has no one to blame for my pain by myself. Said I "refuse to take responsibility" for, I guess, Deciding to be traumatized, or for struggling. But when I brought up things she had done wrong, her only answer was "well, yknow, I was an angry abused teenager, so. You wouldn't understand. I don't have to apologize, I was a teenager and I was being abused by dad, so." Oh, so you don't have to take any responsibility for your direct, intentional actions of harm and abuse, because you're a victim, but I "refuse to take responsibility" for "deciding" to be hurt by your abuse and I'm playing the victim and that makes me evil. Right. Cool. Got it. Even the word "victim" makes me want to shrivel up and die from shame.
@crowstakingoff
2 жыл бұрын
I'm sorry. That is such a lame excuse from her, and I'll bet everyone could agree on that, except for her of course.
@marionoschelmuller1718
3 жыл бұрын
Yes! Absolutely! But how do I know if I have a victim mentality if I am enraged at a person or if I am just really fragile and memories of previous relationships are bubbling up? I really cant tell the difference with me sometimes. Someone rejects a need I communicate and then I just regress an throw a tantrum. Its not like I want to blame the person but like I cant help it either. Sometimes I do it purpusefully though, admittedly. Because I dont wanna go into the pain and the responsibility. But overall I do.
@lt7587
2 жыл бұрын
Marion this is a really good point... My own take on it is that being enraged with one person (and especially if they have done harm to us) is very different to being enraged with everyone/most people.
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