Thank you , this is so well explained. I am 53 and still struggling to say No . I end up feeling anxious and over explaining. Then it gets messy or feels messy . I am learning about false feelings and real feelings . Recently I did stick up for myself to my father in a polite way and my mother agreed with me . It’s a small step but I felt proud of myself for doing it , as usually I just let it go . I am very blessed as my son is not like me and I have intentionally had talks with him about boundaries and making loving choices for himself so he doesn’t loose himself to people . He has a much healthier sense of self worth than I do and I’m proud of him .
@janetwilliams8587
2 жыл бұрын
Good for you! ⭐️💪 I am 55 and struggle too. I'm learning a lot this year. We are going to get stronger. Thank you for sharing a little of your story. 💞
@gracelewis6071
2 жыл бұрын
Good job of breaking the cycle with your son 👏 that's something to be proud of - and now you're stepping into doing that for yourself too ❤
@cyndigooch1162
2 жыл бұрын
Angela Gardaner I'm in my 60s and I'm still in the process of learning as well, after many years of being used by people, including for company by highly narcissistic individuals. It's an incredible gift you're teaching your precious son and I can tell that you really love him. I so wish it could be the case for every child. 👩👦
@angelagardaner8939
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for your kind reply . It’s so good we are all learning ❤
@rolandgervais154
2 жыл бұрын
"No" is always a boundary. "No" can be a one-word sentence. "No" needs no further explanation. "No" is always a positive.
@Yarblocosifilitico
2 жыл бұрын
. Love that. It's like an aphorism from Nietzsche haha, I'll keep that sentence in mind. No is an affirmation. An affirmation of self.
@wakenow7612
2 жыл бұрын
The word no is always positive...okay until you are dealing with someone suicidal and you tell them to put the weapon down and they say " no" that's super positive .
@Yarblocosifilitico
2 жыл бұрын
@@wakenow7612 lol. 'Positive' is a polysemic word; it can means 'good', or just an affirmation. Example: 'are you sure?' 'Yeah, I'm positive.' Doesn't mean you're being positive as in optimistic or something haha. Literal thinking is fun... for a while. But the exceptions confirm the rule, they don't nullify it ;)
@lisaaronson283
2 жыл бұрын
Yep. No does not need to be followed up with an explanation. The famous quote "No means No" says it all.
@rolandgervais154
2 жыл бұрын
@@lisaaronson283 ...I'm not sure but I do believe that this is stated in the Bible.
@larryfairbanks1734
2 жыл бұрын
It’s probably just me being old and half deaf, but could you turn it up a tad? Thank you young man. (I’ve been listening to you and Sam for something like five years now. The more I learn, the less I’m sure about. Was living a lie for fifteen years. Had to go gray rock back in 1997. Thought narcissism was someone who looked into pools of water. Haven’t a clue on how to get back any sliver of trust. They all look like alligators to me. It’s a reoccurring nightmare. Thanks for letting an old man vent. Stay safe.
@blatonik403
Жыл бұрын
Yes, it is to low volume. Sorry to hear your sad story. I wish you all the best.
@Mrscory77
2 жыл бұрын
I learned courage the day I said “no” and grace when I payed its price , truth became my friend in need and fear just a shadow! ✌🏻❤️☯️💫
@rolandgervais154
2 жыл бұрын
A most profound insight. Thank you!
@Mrscory77
2 жыл бұрын
@@rolandgervais154 🙏🏻
@lynneleverton8825
2 жыл бұрын
I always said no and I've lived amongst narcissists my whole life. We'd have the arguments that went around in circles and I wouldn't concede. My x husband would fake a heart attack. obviously to try and shut me up. which still didn't work because I could clearly see it was very bad acting. He'd say call me an ambulance and I.d say NO I am not calling an ambulance because you're not having a heart attack. He called one himself. He wasn't having a heart attack. My mother is also narcissistic and tries to guilt trip me and I still say no. They gang up on me. call me names etc and try and beat me down and I still say No. Get the message guys. I'm not doing it!!! I've just had to cut them out of my life in the end because they can't accept I've said NO and won't stop trying to beat me down!
@mactine2k7
24 күн бұрын
Kept saying he was having a heart attack, then had one? He brought that onto himself for sure. Glad you got away from both of them 🤗
@dawnwinther376
2 жыл бұрын
This video's content hit home so hard. If l start to elaborate too much I will just end up crying. Pretty much my whole life has been about other peoples needs, wants, expectations, demands.......and me saying yes, due to the overwhelming fear and anxiety of upsetting and causing anger, and blame from people around me. And yes, l can see my upbringing creating the pleaser l came to be.
@desertrose2085
2 жыл бұрын
Same. Sending you a virtual hug.
@springvic5034
2 жыл бұрын
It’s cultural too. Growing up in africa and living in the U.K. now I do notice the difference in raising children. We were never our parents’ friends’. Parents were superior and you had no place to question their decisions so you couldn’t afford a ‘no’ without consequences. We went to catholic boarding schools where the same was instilled in us. Narcissistic or not it was the culture. As a result we are people pleasers and find it hard to say no for fear of conflict.
@drlarrymitchell
2 жыл бұрын
As the child of a narcissistic parent, you've had your ability to defy people and say no 'disconnected' by a parent who wanted you to be manageable, malleable and compliant.
@josephzsoka874
2 жыл бұрын
I had a mother like that ... a f**king monster. She turned my brother into a mess. 30 years on and he's still an alcoholic.
@mtc-j9i
2 жыл бұрын
Well said!!! Unfortunately you’re also not able to defy predators lol. You become the ultimate prey. This type of parent cares NOTHING about your future.
@MissManaged1001
Жыл бұрын
Well thats definitely not how my narc mother was. I was NEVER allowed to speak up nor was I allowed to question her. When I did start speaking up as an adult that meant I was a "cold bitch."
@lindseylush
Жыл бұрын
Very well said! I’d feel intense fear & panic if I had to confront someone or assert my boundaries.. usually leading me to avoiding it & getting taken advantage of :/
@lindseylush
Жыл бұрын
This is me. Confrontation or the idea of speaking up for myself terrifies me to my core.
@sandylu2668
2 жыл бұрын
Lived this. Such a task, to overcome.. We shall overcome
@alexisscarbrough4083
2 жыл бұрын
As a mum to 7 daughters & 1 son (ex- fundamentalist christian, 2 narc parental figs) I had zero ability to say No to my parents. The losses and injuries I've sustained, because I've been unable to decline for fear of retaliation, is enormous. What a disservice and curse it is to manipulate children! They are the future. My kids won't be treated this way.
@evonne315
2 жыл бұрын
I appriciate how you put a moral code on things. The response you want frim others is "You dont have to do that for me, and I dont want you to." There is a two way street of responsibility in relationships (of all kinds). This is why its so hard to get people to stop victim blaming or perpetrator blaming only. We all have a role to play in things. Be responsible for THAT. Nothing like moving on to a new relationship thinking your all good, and then they are pissed you are trying not to make them pissed! 🤦♀️
@t.n.patronis4098
2 жыл бұрын
I wish life had been different for me from the start. I’m in my 30s now and I’m still miserable. Part of me knows this lesson while another part refuses to trust myself whenever I sense red flags or a sense of foreboding. I’ve destroyed my peace, contentment, opportunities and finances just so other people could be happy and comfortable. Meanwhile, I lose every single time. Year after year, person after person. Friends, relatives, boyfriends, coworkers-many people have no qualms taking advantage of others and milking them for all they’ve got. I can’t change other people, and helping them has yielded no reciprocity. Changing myself is the only clear path forward. It’s challenging and I’m still failing, but I don’t want another 30 years of this. Being a codependent people pleaser is an absolute hell I have created for myself with the best of intentions and good will for others. At this point, I’m going to consider going out of my way for people to be enabling and just break it off, if I can manage it. I’m so tired of being alive at this point. This is not the kind of life I want. Many thanks as always Richard. Your candid approach to complex and painful topics is always a relief. The way you tackle these topics is always easy to understand, which I appreciate immensely. I was looking forward to this video for days. I missed the initial release due to work but I saved it for later. I’m glad I caught this one!
@yvonne3903
2 жыл бұрын
Guilt tripping is damaging. They should be learning what they want not learning to be agreeable and possibly subversive.
@louisegarner8888
2 жыл бұрын
Many of us have heard the Native American story of the two wolves. The modern version spread on the internet, however, varies from the original story and leaves out a fundamentally different, yet important, lesson. HERE IS THE VERSION YOU’VE LIKELY SEEN ALREADY: A Cherokee elder speaks to his grandson about life. “A battle rages inside of me,” he says. “It is dangerous and it is between two wolves. One is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, and faith. The same fight goes on inside of you and inside of everyone else as well.” The grandson pondered his words and asked, “Which wolf will win?” In the version you’ve likely heard, the old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.” BUT HERE’S HOW THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE TWO WOLVES REALLY ENDS: The old Cherokee smiled and replied, “If you feed them right, they both win.” The story goes on. “You see, if I only feed the white wolf, the black wolf will hide in the dark waiting for me to falter so that it can pounce and get the attention he craves. He will always be angry and will always be fighting the white wolf. But if I acknowledge him, both he and the white wolf can be satisfied, and we all win. For the black wolf has qualities that I need and that the white wolf lacks: tenacity, courage, fearlessness, strength of will, and resourcefulness. The white wolf instead provides compassion, caring, heart, and the ability to value the needs of others over my own. You see, the two wolves need each other. Feeding only one and starving the other will eventually make both uncontrollable. Caring for both allows them both to serve you, so that you can do something greater, something good with your time on earth. Feed them both and you will quiet their internal struggle for your attention, and, when there is no battle inside, you can then hear the voices of deeper knowledge that will guide you in choosing the right path in every circumstance. Wisely allow both to guide you as needs be in every moment and circumstance so you stay well integrated, congruent and aligned with your true self and role model that to others. Peace, my son, is what we must all strive for in life. He who has peace inside has everything. He who harbors a storm within his heart and soul has nothing. How you choose to treat the opposing forces within you will ultimately determine who you become and how you live." ~ Sourced from chipmunkbaking website. 🐺⚖️🐺💞🕊️✌️
@lisahardy2070
2 жыл бұрын
None of us asked to be here. None of us had a say-so in what we were born to be, or how we were raised. Or who/what we were raised by. Even though I have suffered greatly from the actions of narcissists… The Compassionate side of me always tries to dig as deep as I can to try and understand how they ended up there in the first place, what they had to suffer, the trauma they are saddled with…for life. As UNempathetic, uncaring, selfish and self-serving as narcissists are, they suffer a hell we have never known. I just can’t bring myself to give up on them, or stop caring for them, no matter how much pain they caused. I know how to distance myself from it, but I just can’t write them off completely. I just can’t do it.
@louisegarner8888
2 жыл бұрын
@@lisahardy2070 Narcissists aren't an issue for us when we're healed to whole, they're on a spectrum and have their own unique mission and journey as we all do. Narcs test and trigger the unhealed to get comfy with discomfort, feel the feels and humbly look deeper within at where we still have shadow, parts, inner child and boundary work to do on ourselves and lessons to learn so we can be grateful to them for that wakeup call. We don't need to go down with a sinking ship though ... it's up to each of us to know our limits, values, standards, purpose and when enough is enough. There is evil in the world and it pays to be aware that some sick, sadistic and/or masochistic people enjoy other's or their own pain. Observe don't absorb, respond don't react so we're not leaky, spongy or adversely controlling others ourselves. Trying to fix, save and rescue others can be a toxic form of control, rescuer pride is self serving, it doesn't help anyone when the other falls into patterns of learned helplessness due to our unsolicited advice or interventions, however well intended, everyone has to do what they can from where they're at with what they have or ask for help. There's no pearls of wisdom without the aggravating sands that inspire, challenge and motivate the crusty old oyster to change it's form. 🐍⚔️🕊️⛓️💞🕊️✌️
@lisahardy2070
2 жыл бұрын
@@louisegarner8888 but if we can all agree that the root of narcissism is childhood abuse? How could any of us turn our backs on them? What does that say about us?
@louisegarner8888
2 жыл бұрын
@@如來-c3l Absolutely, semper paratus! It's as Dr. Jordan Peterson claimed in his interpretation of Matthew 5:5 : "He who has a sword, and knows how to use it, but keeps it sheathed shall inherit the earth." 🐍🗡️🕊️
@louisegarner8888
2 жыл бұрын
@@lisahardy2070 How would you view a narcissist that murdered one of your loved ones and had no remorse? It depends, there's levels to this ...
@agatadabrowska8515
2 жыл бұрын
we need so much conscious and sensitive man like you👏
@Coach_B2024
2 жыл бұрын
Man, I’ve read and heard about this so many times but for some reason, you really hit home in a deeper way with this one. Thanks.
@My_House_
2 жыл бұрын
Lately I start noticing what I'm doing and for example try to prevent someone I'm with to feel bad for the tiniest things. If they feel bad i wil feel bad and make it "good" again....😐 Or tiptoeing on work for someone will think something bad or laugh at my ideas ect. It's hard "work" to keep myself regulated by others ☹️ But its also difficult to feel and name the emotion for myself. Thanks Richard 👍🏼
@gasisthepastendoil
2 ай бұрын
compliance...... Remember A lot of people don't have authority if they don't have an actual badge Just walk away....... They're just tricking you
@ambernordquist363
2 жыл бұрын
I heard you tell your friend that she shouldn't do that. Were you able to tell her how she should? You didn't cover that. I find in my journey all kinds of things that I shouldn't have done. It would be wonderful to hear what the right or alternative thing is. Thank you for your video it was enlightening.
@DiegoDonati1975
Жыл бұрын
I like your videos because you went through a really bad time too, and have come out of it like a Phoenix. You give great sound advice thank you
@reverentalexanderchezeley-6367
2 жыл бұрын
Never had this thankfully as an extreme empath. I'd only feel guilty for example, if I literally "should" have helped them and "could' have helped them. Healthy guilt. Or another example, if I should have washed the dishes but I didn't, I'd feel guilty and chastise myself for being a lazy sod when I could have washed them, ADHD guilt there for me to. I'm to hard on myself. Yes I pick up other people's emotions and feelings into my body and mind, cos I have a high sponge like contagion element in me. It's not a co-dependent issue though, I also pick up highly the emotions and feelings and energy of animals, birds, reptiles, plants, trees, the weather patterns to. Brilliant vid. Thanks Richard.
@vanessaprinsloo3841
2 жыл бұрын
Hi Richard Thank you for you . Every talk Iv had the honour of listening to of your has truly come at the right time. I relate to the resonance of each word you speak. Our new world needs to listen . Thank you again 🤍🤍🤍
@ozzyc2477
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you Richard another great video! It's like there is an epidemic of people that try to take advantage of this personality type.
@EmberAsh
2 жыл бұрын
One could say that epidemic went full blown "pandemic". 😉
@heysoos1688
2 жыл бұрын
Indeed
@PLizzy0809
8 ай бұрын
I think there is just something wrong to me and I will never get better, because my childhood wasn't like that
@nicholettej1742
2 жыл бұрын
This was great!! Amazing 10 minute video that may have just been my brightest lightbulb moment yet! Thank you Richard!!
@skyking6989
2 жыл бұрын
I had to learn that my mental well-being and happiness came first and had to learn to stop feeling bad when I told someone no
@HISIAM888RUHIS888
2 жыл бұрын
This was Said.. “So Perfectly Well!” Thank You!!🙌🙌💓🙏🙏👏👏👏
@suzanautry2927
2 жыл бұрын
You described my childhood perfectly.. I still have issues with emotions, it's awful. Years of counseling have helped, then I married a man with NPD. Great. Going through it all over again. I had no idea what was in my brain would bring me 360 back to a life of turmoil mixed in with truths that are hard to live by sometimes. BUT, I am so much better at saying "NO", but same result with my NPD family and spouse. They still don't listen.
@kjsfl386
2 жыл бұрын
Terrifically helpful. Thank you so much
@louisegarner8888
2 жыл бұрын
Be that wise, discerning and adaptable person who knows where you and others begin and end, when to stay the course or exit, who knows how to listen and talk to others assertively and capably using myriad means such as distraction, humour, compassion, logic, reverse psychology, silence with goodwill, when to listen or speak, etc., with empathetic yet firm and consistent flexibility to decompress, de-escalate, shock, flip, mirror back, inform, learn from or inspire, knows when to lean in or out, is able to use self control and remain sovereignly unbothered and stable under pressure when they or others are upset, angry or emotionally dysregulated, who takes no shit yet does no harm and still respects, forgives and accepts you regardless of your differing perspectives, opinions and changing emotional states. Be like the tree who's prepared to risk losing a few leaves to the storm knowing it'll lighten it's load to stand firm and steady, capable of growing stronger, fresh new leaves in the aftermath, appreciating that any dead and useless leaves will be the first to go.
@lucretiz
2 жыл бұрын
When I know that someone is probably going to ask me to do something that I don't want to do I practice saying no in advance - we can also learn to say no calmly and respectfully doesn have to be a melt down, Richard taught me that.
@jaydarkmoore
2 жыл бұрын
You basically summed up the result of my therapy sessions I had following an abusive relationship. It stems from childhood. Brilliant video man!
@henkverhaeren3759
2 жыл бұрын
Fantastic put into words what I experience daily. This is very helpfu for me to deal with it instead of avoiding.
@Yarblocosifilitico
2 жыл бұрын
"people pleasing lies on the spectrum of psychosis" YES!! I've seen that in myself and in my female dominated family of people pleasers (single mom and 5 aunts lol). There's a very dark layer underneath all that politeness and people pleasing ways.
@mtnpfi
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you, Richard, for this brief explanation🙏🏼Hit home💥
@TheMurray1922
2 жыл бұрын
You hit the nail right on the head.
@milenarodriguesfernandes4997
Жыл бұрын
Thank you! SO helpful!
@thomasmclaughlin3948
2 жыл бұрын
I wish this was completely foreign to me and I had no idea what you are talking about. But it is what it is and we have to learn to deal with it and make it better/healthier. Ballet through a minefield is correct sir. Ballet with magnetic shoes on.
@thomasmclaughlin3948
2 жыл бұрын
we are/were utterly lost and blind to the fact that we were utterly lost and blind. The sun is blinding and the onion is 100 layers deep.
@kennethroesch8751
2 жыл бұрын
Not to difficult to go from neurotic to psychotic. Realizing me and my children were physiologically damaged almost sent me over the edge.
@AryonaSamoto
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you. This really helped put into words what I've been attempting to articulate as to why I'm distancing myself from my family. I knew emotionally but it's nice to be able to articulate.
@MP-po6fj
2 жыл бұрын
My people pleasing syndrome issue and weak boundaries came from being a Scapegoat to my Narc parent who treated my other 2 siblings like Golden Children. Would be ignored and given the silent treatment numerous times. So to seek any attention and validation that the other siblings got on tap, I would people please and do the chores my dad asked me to do , to please him and crave normal validation and unconditional love. I have now become aware that I still do this and have weak boundaries when i meet people i instantly go into helping mode instead of just saying a big NO.
@carolreilly9424
2 жыл бұрын
Oh wow if been like this for years I really cannot say to anyone !
@northstarearthstar
2 жыл бұрын
I never thought of codependency as a spectrum to psychosis. 😳. That actually makes a lot of sense. Codependency has been the Goliath type monster I've wanted to defeat ever since I understood what it meant. It's the part in me I may actually hate. I know it's a survival mechanism but....it's taken a shit ton of work to try and change that in myself. It's the most gross feeling. Thankyou for talking about it so extensively bc it helps me identify it.
@claire0626
2 жыл бұрын
Excellent video Richard thank you I learnt a lot xx
@kismypencek6185
2 жыл бұрын
Packed with nuggets of truth and guidance. Love the articulation of perverse approach towards children via emotional guilt trips. If ur bord and can expand on emotional incest that would awesome. Or i can just read the self help book again, but....you likely have a lively take on it!;)
@RVSurf
2 жыл бұрын
Amazing as always! Thank you 💕
@shereeconnolly2457
2 жыл бұрын
GREAT video Richard.. as always your content and explanation is on point!
@IAM-gj7jc
2 жыл бұрын
I'd really be interested in learning more on communicating with children effectively, especially teenagers.
@Leeeuuuhhh
2 жыл бұрын
Amazing video thank you
@gerlinderosensteiner8250
Ай бұрын
I can't figure out if my mother. my father or my brother was the narc in my childhood.
@susieare
2 жыл бұрын
Hi Richard, I'd love to know more about how you think we should parent, as well as what not to do. What should us parents do instead of things such as guilt tripping? How do we teach our three year olds that hitting/snatching isn't OK and that the world can't always revolve around them? Thank you so much!
@Yarblocosifilitico
2 жыл бұрын
I've improved a lot on this so I'll watch the video to bask in my glory ... and remind myself that there's still a long way to go. For starters, I clicked on the vid because I couldn't say 'no' to the topic :P It is probably the most common, most intrusive symptom of weakness in our progressively more weakness-idolizing society. Just the inability to say 'no' to the overwhelming waves of information AND feelings, it's so insidious. Seems like a small thing but you're giving away a piece of your soul each time you want to say 'no!', but can't (out of politeness, cowardice, worry for other people's feelings... whatever, all the same 'please don't kick me out of the tribe' instinct, ie social fear). Which eventually leads to you not feeling like yourself, or even an individual, for that matter. Reflect about the boundaries you want, establish them, and keep them strong. Best of luck to all people pleasers (reformed or not).
@MediatingLeela
2 жыл бұрын
What about kids with ADHD? I've spent most of my adult life learning about emotional intelligence and boundary keeping, but I realize my own emotions are so big when they they hit, it doesn't always take an abusive parent to elicit feelings of guilt and shame from me. It's like my mind will hold on to that one time of excess emotion from 18+ years ago, and carry it over like a hand winding up to hit me in other much calmer times. Sometimes it feels like emotional regulation is a daily mountain I have to climb, as much as I try and learn about it. That if it's a bad day, an unkind word from the wrong person can leave me perseverating all day no matter the tools I bring into practice.
@karena.buckley1190
2 жыл бұрын
Wow...I really enjoyed your talk...and your energy/personality whatever you want to call it...I love the way you explain things...you make it all so easy to understand and I feel calmer just listening to you...Do you have personal sessions? Thanks...Karen.
@cassiestevens8382
2 жыл бұрын
Thanks💜
@jasanaha1
2 жыл бұрын
Tha is for that ❤
@Reindeers-Money
10 ай бұрын
I want so bad say No but I can’t becouse I know they Will pick a fight and scream and I don’t want to feel the guilthy and they Will stop talking to me until I go to them and apologize I’m 27 years old and want to stop feeling like this becouse this Is killing me inside. My big sister and my mother r like that but most my sister.
@Twistedhippy
2 жыл бұрын
I wonder if people with ASD are more likely to posses the qualities that someone with narcissistic traits can exploit?
@juliantapia9837
2 жыл бұрын
This is way off topic but do co dependents know when they pissoff other co dependents? Narcissists have a "narcissistic radar" that helps keep them top Narcissist. Wouldn't co dependents have something like that. Sincerely Somewhere in between
@vanessasolari1
2 жыл бұрын
❤
@peterfortie7718
2 жыл бұрын
Hallo Richard. How to heal that shit? I am 38 right now and need to overcome this because I keep breaking my own heart trough this. Any tips and/or advice is much appreciated. With high regards, Peter.
@taggthis
2 жыл бұрын
Does some of it have to do with nature as well?
@deeboolove1301
2 жыл бұрын
God I do want to find circles of people that will except me for who God made me to be he made me on purpose he made my personality he shaped me with my life and my values and what I enjoy and the way I enjoy being I’m looking is inspired by God and I’m looking for people that can except me exactly the way I am if they’re going to be judge mental and critical and try to change me that’s not a friend that’s a controlling dictatorship and I really don’t want any part of that especially when they’re so vicious and violent and brutal in their methods those are not friends they do not care about the real me I want somebody who when I walk in the room feels serenity and peace and acceptance even though I might be unique and different than they are they can somehow appreciate why I am the way I am why look the way I look the clothes that I wear and not judge it as less than like elite people how they look down their nose virtue signaling people how they look down their nose at somebody who might not be as virtuous as they are in their mind in their judgment so I’m really looking for a friendly atmosphere of freedom where I have freedom of expression someone recently said that they regretted that they been unfaithful while pursuing a relationship speaking about love and intimacy and and even sharing the most intimate of sexual moments but seeking it out from other women other people and then there was an apology there but I mistakenly thought that they were speaking to me about a new day of acceptance a new day of unconditional love and true love true freedom and if I’ve turned my back on anybody any group there’s a very good reason for it they don’t have the same values I do then I don’t need to be in their world no matter how plush and miraculous it might seem because it’s not a loving environment when you’re criticized and reshaped and re-upholstered and revamped and re-done and you are you’re just invisible to yourself what you like what you enjoy how you like to express yourself is tossed out thrown in the trash and replaced with some alien monster of a image that you have no idea what the hell that is it’s a freak a freak a fucking I don’t know what a disaster a dismal disaster because it doesn’t really resonate with your true authentic connection to God so I just think that the only way that I would ever be able to but go in these circles that you speak about is if there was just Coke creating something out in the world but not re-creating what God already created perfect and flawless perfectly imperfect and I don’t share virtue signaling values if a persons truly very valuable and they’ve done things of merit and they’ve made contributions to humanity they don’t need to prove it with a shaved head on ugly dress look how ugly I am I’m such a good person I could wear something creative and lovely but no I’m gonna wear something offensive and disgusting so those kind of people I really I don’t respect and I don’t want any part of honestly I don’t as far as going to these classes or these you know groups wear mind control and manipulation and covert pressure to conform I really have no desire to be involved in that sort of friendship quote friendship there’s no if nothing friendly about it it’s brutal and so I appreciate the encouragement and the laughter your laughter I love your Crimson sleeves the bright brilliant or magenta color and your nails the vivid midnight blue I didn’t look at the cards because I saw that the wretched possum minute it’s saying that I play dead I play dead with a an attacker yeah but I’m very authentic I speak the truth from the heart out in the world if a dancer was friendly I was friendly to her if she was cold and harsh I stayed on the other side of the room I just didn’t even talk to her because she didn’t want to be messed with so I honor people with the energy that’s coming out of them… people abuse their power they start stepping into lanes they have no business being in governing a persons closet a grown woman judging their shirt their hair color their hair style this is it’s completely despicable horrific and unacceptable it’s narcissistic and you wanna talk about ego testicle it it’s just repugnant this is not a person to be a friend with a friend sees you right where you’re at right understand you are the way you are because God made you that way and respects it honors it even enjoys it even if it’s different than their choices I find people that are different than myself sometimes the most enjoyable because there’s so you different than me but why try to make everybody the same because they believe it’s virtuous to all be the same that’s not virtue that’s just stupidity that’s laziness that’s Scippo all just going well it was written in the book long time time ago and they did it back then and that it must be true today well maybe it’s true for them and maybe it’s even true for you but it might not be true for me and it might not be true for another person complexity is not evil it’s not vanity it’s art and anybody who knows God is creativity and imagination understand that whether it’s on the wall or in fashion and if I’m excluded because I’ve got on it sparkle top or roughly skirt or I look whatever they consider immature I consider artistic if they think artistry is immaturity and I don’t really wanna hang around with somebody whose values or so to askew…. Art is literally the expression of God imagination is literally the expression of God when you have on imaginative clothing you literally have on the ideas and the thoughts of God and if you judge that evil that’s on you not on the person that wore it a pair of pants with some sparkly embroidery the person that did it love to do it it was their joy the designer they created came out of their wildest imaginings and when you wear it you’re wearing a piece of divinity like the sparkly stars in the universe or the glittering flowers with the dues on it in the morning beauty and loveliness is part of godliness and everybody gets to express it uniquely from their heart and anybody that judges my expressions divinely inspired by God is wrong because you you if they if you’re critical of it or they try to change it paint yourself dress yourself but don’t come over to my closet and start rearranging my clothes my hair and telling me how to live I will have a spouse or a boyfriend or friends or companions or best friends family that can honor me because kind to me listen to me laugh with me without trying to demeaning dishonor me disrespect me spit in my face grandpa my heart destroy my confidence with insults and belittling and shaming …. Disdain.. mocking making fun of shredding destroying stabbing attacking I’m not a friend I’m the enemy to conquer why would I go in circles like that that’s not companionship that’s like acid eating off the creativity and imagination with what you walked in and when you walk out not only are your garments just disintegrated onto the ground but so is your hair and your help and your vision and your confidence and your serenity that’s not a friend that’s not a class that’s a war zone I’m not interested in going into a war zone to be dismantled like a corpse cut off the arms shave off the head Clint clear off shave off the face and all of its expressions all of its creativity all of its imagination I I it’s just an upside down illusion of benevolent kindness there’s nothing kind of good about it it’s an acid dip a flea bath of misery…. I’m gonna say a prayer because thoughts are things and if I dwell on the ugliness I’ll be consumed by it and I don’t need to be melancholy or feel bad because God made me the way I am on purpose the way I dress the leggings I create the artistry with which I express myself and dress myself and I’m a very humble and good person confidence fat skirts fat big hair fluffy freedom star spangle banner glittering stars bold whites vivid read rainbow colors we are all majestic and we can have Harmony because in the rainbow every color is different and the next blue doesn’t try to make red be red and red doesn’t try to make green be yellow it’s like every color respects the color beside it and then there’s a harmony of colors all in unison with one another I’m a dancer I’m an entertainer I’m an actress I’m not gonna just shave all that off and put on a librarian costume and pretend that I’m a librarian I’m still an actress in my heart and just because I’m an old actress doesn’t mean I’m suddenly gonna dress up like a librarian or a nun a little bit
@tomasto3919
2 жыл бұрын
❤️❤️❤️🌟💫🍀
@MattyRouter
2 жыл бұрын
Bro are those sweat stains on your t-shirt 👕??Good commentary!
@user-ru1nz3hc3y
2 жыл бұрын
Probably just come out of the gym. But yeah, needs to sort that out. a bit uncouth for a KZitem video you know is gonna be viewed by thousands. Just outta respect you would think he would change his clothes. It’s probably an innocent mistake but still. I understand your point. You would think if he goes on about how important tidy and clean appearance is he would hold himself to that same standard. Not the first time , I have seen him display himself in such a way . Let’s hope he learns from this, and it’s good you point it out cause it shows him that people actually notice and don’t hold such disrespect in high regard. And yes it’s disrespectful to his audience. And it sounds petty but it’s important to point this stuff out to hold ourselves and others to higher standards.
@sunnybein1
2 жыл бұрын
@@user-ru1nz3hc3y How very judgemental pompous and narcissistic of you..listen to the content instead of judging his appearance..your a Troll
@richieellis6636
2 жыл бұрын
Dr Grannon....you are a doctor right ?? I have a question fir you....how many mirrors do you have in your home???
@user-ru1nz3hc3y
2 жыл бұрын
I just wanted to expose everything because I had hope this guy would eventually be a decent human being. But now I realise the whole caring about others was a well put together NLP act all along. It’s extremely sad for many but true. And to answer your question. He probably has thousands of mirrors but the irony is he cannot truly see what he’s become.
@RENZO1444
2 жыл бұрын
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
@69purposecoarse
2 жыл бұрын
Every time I listen to one of your videos, I just want to cry. Before I found you, I discovered MY DEPTH of codependency. One day I wish to meet you to personally thank you.
@lisahardy2070
2 жыл бұрын
👀🤗
@BrekMartin
2 жыл бұрын
Ok well I’m unsubscribing, and then I may or may not subscribe again.
@user-ru1nz3hc3y
2 жыл бұрын
Good for you he’s a tool you should unsubscribe.
@BrekMartin
2 жыл бұрын
@@user-ru1nz3hc3y That was kind of a joke. The kind that didn’t work I suppose :D
@user-ru1nz3hc3y
2 жыл бұрын
@@BrekMartin well you should unsubscribe.
@BrekMartin
2 жыл бұрын
@@user-ru1nz3hc3y I just watched a video about saying no, so….
@BrekMartin
2 жыл бұрын
@@user-ru1nz3hc3y you might be right. Regardless, his content is relatable, and has helped me. I’m subscribed to 2 narcissists, and donated to one of them today. From someone else’s perspective (a past victim), I’m sure they are quite reasonably viewed as pure evil. Anyways, this particular video is about me. I’m very aware now, so I often catch myself in the act of being useless, but the default state of affairs for me is in this video. Self evident, and undeniable. Richard can’t be pure evil.
@Charliemike01
2 жыл бұрын
I love your content but I’m distracted by your hard man appearance, voice, and accent 🤤. 😂. I have to just press play and put the phone down man. Blessings ✨🙏🏼✨🤍
@pipeline732
2 жыл бұрын
Seriously, what do you mean by "hard man appearance voice and accent"?
@julieangle9721
2 жыл бұрын
People touch us in great ways especially when we connect or learn from self help educators, Richard is very cool and relatable and well spoken, glad he touches you in a meaningful way, plus him just being so handsome is his gift plus a bonus. Funny and impressive man🙂
@pauladuncanadams1750
2 жыл бұрын
There's more than one way to practice self care. 😉
@Charliemike01
2 жыл бұрын
@@pipeline732 He knows what it means It’s a British term.
@Charliemike01
2 жыл бұрын
@@mandycote5662 🙏🏼✨🕊. Peace be with you. Are you aware of what triggered your reaction in this way? . I have been a student being a unwilling victim of NPD monster , Mother, and siblings for most of my life overcoming trauma after trauma. I have healed my PTSD through NPD victim recovery for years. It was meant as a compliment to him. Not as a trigger for you. And I do pray for him and all of the victim community. Rich is great and an integral part of recovery. We are all on our own paths and points of recovery. Critical people would do well to make that difficult journey into deep introspection. When we examine self by entering shadow , we illuminate the darkness with light and I with The Divine. His Light. His Grace ✨🙏🏼✨. I pray you too. May He saturate lightness and joy into your body, mind, and soul and all the spaces in between. It’s taken me over 50 years to have joy. No one will take it from me anymore. By reaching The Pinnacle of Indifference I also suggest for all in any stage of this difficult journey to constantly seek out education and doing the work to achieve the same. It’s difficult work with a lot of loss , isolation, and unhappiness! The rewards are unbelievably great. Best wishes on your journey. 🤍✨🕊✨🙏🏼✨🦢. Please don’t judge others because they sin differently than you.
@christinak5946
2 жыл бұрын
Cause I'm a people pleaser and a codependent. I've learned to get my worth and value from other people...ugh but I'm working on it. Progress not perfection 🙏
@elstoniobanderas4091
2 жыл бұрын
Me too.
@HealandInspire
2 жыл бұрын
Me three…
@HealandInspire
2 жыл бұрын
My ex husband of 37 years was the NO man… Everything was no, and I can’t say the word NO if my life depends on it.. still working on myself, not sure how long it will take for me to get better. He is one of those Christian Covert Narcs.. Took me decades to figure out. Was in divorce court over 27 month. I gave up some things, just because I want to stay sane. It‘s like I‘m waking up from this huge nightmare. But it‘s not a nightmare it is real. He brutally discarded me after I confronted him. Then he ghosted me for 2 years. I need a long vacation, and unconditional love. Never got it from him.
@gestfue432
2 жыл бұрын
So am i.Good luck to us)))
@christinak5946
Жыл бұрын
Also divorced from a covert Narcissist. I think they're the worst...you get it when you least expect it then suddenly boom...your f...d it's like what just happened? You feel crazy....they make you feel like you're insane. Brutally painful experience
@katiewright2232
2 жыл бұрын
Such important advice. Richard does such a great job of making it easy to understand. I know so many people who can relate to this, including myself. Most especially, the part about manipulating children to feel guilty about making you either embarrassed or disappointed or uncomfortable, etc. this is horribly common. We see it all the time. Parents saying “I’m so disappointed in you“ which when translated means they are actually saying “you are making me feel a certain way that I don’t want to feel.” It’s so clearly a manipulation and yes, a boundary breaking experience
@lisahardy2070
2 жыл бұрын
Opened a fortune cookie today for the first time in years. It read, “Your first love and your last love… Is self love.”
@josephzsoka874
2 жыл бұрын
I also opened a fortune cookie which said, " NO ! "... then I put the cookie down.
@lisahardy2070
2 жыл бұрын
@@josephzsoka874 😆
@honey-feeney9800
2 жыл бұрын
Wise advice . Save that cookie .
@josephzsoka874
2 жыл бұрын
@@honey-feeney9800 no pun intended..lol
@annikamin1637
2 жыл бұрын
Thanks for this video! I appreciate the focus on guilting children and why this is so abusive and harmful. Having been guilted heavily as a child myself, this helped me to better understand how this relates to my self-knowledge and people pleasing tendencies.
@y04a
2 жыл бұрын
I can't believe adults are guilting children conscientiously like that. I am an adult with no children, but that is just so messed up.
@silvermoonuk
2 жыл бұрын
Good video. I have people pleaser syndrome. I get annoyed at myself with other ppl taking advantage of my niceness. But I feel guilty 😔 for being assertive with others.
@HamletsMill1969
2 жыл бұрын
No. I love this word!! ❤ Thank your for all you do Richard!!! ❤️
@kimbrasue8888
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you. I am living with a person who keeps telling me they want a divorce and threatening me with physical harm. Then he tells me he loves me the next day like nothing ever happened. I’m moving back to Arizona to be with my family who is loving and supportive. My stepdad just passed away and I’m realizing life is too short to be treated badly. We all deserve better. You are worth it!
@Justjewels8436
2 жыл бұрын
Wow, take care darling
@kimbrasue8888
2 жыл бұрын
@@Justjewels8436 Thanks Jewels you as well! 🙏We’re all going through things but this is a lot for me honestly all at the same time. I just flew back today from visiting from Arizona the past few days and it was sooo peaceful. That’s my home and I’m packing and am outta here within 2 weeks before my husband’s birthday. Happy fvcking birthday!!
@Justjewels8436
2 жыл бұрын
@@kimbrasue8888 i love hearing your power in those words! Give yourself a big pat on the back and enjoy the rest of this beautiful life ❤️
@kimbrasue8888
2 жыл бұрын
@@Justjewels8436 Support goes a long way and it helps to surround yourself with positive people who uplift you not try and make your life miserable. So yea I’m gonna go take my resources elsewhere where they are appreciated. This is no marriage I want long term. The next two weeks are gonna suck but it’ll get better after that! Pack up my kitties and decorations and roll out!
@ratgirl13
2 жыл бұрын
My default is to say no-all my life people have called me “negative” and asked why can’t I be “agreeable”-I think I’ve just been on protection mode since childhood-my mother was too needy and depended on me to be her society-being positive and agreeable meant losing myself to the whims of others, it’s made me a strange person to not readily say yes-in my middle age I’ve become a “maybe” person, it bothers people but it’s my second default. Thank you for your video it explains my experience.
@blatonik403
Жыл бұрын
I think maybe you could spend more time with some agreeable person. Maybe you can help each other.
@Chopsyochops
Жыл бұрын
I’m currently going through the NO phase and it’s amazing how many people don’t want to know you when there is nothing in it for them.
@ashleykathryn9038
2 жыл бұрын
I wish more people covered the fear of missing out. I feel like the narcissistic is out living it up, while I'm dealing with all the responsibilities they left behind. I'm focused on bettering my life everyday but it feels like something is missing, like I'm missing out on life somehow because of how exciting and eventful their life seemed. I'm only 24 haha
@serenitytrek
2 жыл бұрын
Don't worry about it too much -- they make 💩 up to make their lives seem more interesting -- or ✨️"Fabulous!"😎🎉. But in reality, they're miserable, seeking their next victim like a dehydrated vampire! 🧛♂️ 🦇🧛♀️
@Reborn_Enthusist
2 жыл бұрын
I have felt that way all my life and I'm 53 now. Find joy in the small things. Relish the people who truly love you.
@seansezz
2 жыл бұрын
Yeah your off to a great start
@user-ru1nz3hc3y
2 жыл бұрын
I’m 22 and I get tough fomo to. I always feel the people who bullied me back in high school are out living life and I’m a step behind. I struggled recently and went through a truly rough mental breakdown recently and i finally feel , I’m getting a tad better. I’m sure you can to. You should be the last person who gives up on yourself even if everyone in the world doesn’t believe in you. Try everything and you will undoubtedly find something that works. A good analogy is whenever you get put down you always find a way to pull yourself back up. Whenever people bully me I resist against them. whenever people block me I always find a way of making a new account. Always make yourself indestructible it annoys the very worst of people. Everything is an energy exchange and they try there best to make you feel bad. Then retaliate and make yourself feel good. All the best. You are as strong as you allow yourself to be. Remember that. ❤
@user-ru1nz3hc3y
2 жыл бұрын
Everything is an energy exchange and they try there best to make you feel bad. Then retaliate and make yourself feel good. All the best. You are as strong as you allow yourself to be. Remember that. ❤ I’m 22 I’m young to. If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to add me on Instagram. I’m willing to talk to anyone who needs to talk.
@pauladuncanadams1750
2 жыл бұрын
No one guilts better than religion.
@gasisthepastendoil
2 ай бұрын
.... Only when it's preached by a narcissist..... It goes both ways
@DR-nh6oo
2 жыл бұрын
People will literally do anything to avoid embarrassment, and why people perceive as embarrassing ranges from the sublime to the utterly ridiculous.
@ua2381
2 жыл бұрын
Responsibility dysmorphia. The feeling that you are responsible for things for which you are not.
@LivingMyBestLifeIAm
2 жыл бұрын
At 15 years old I forgot to empty the dishwasher and found an eviction notice on my bedroom door. Does this count ?
@oginza
2 жыл бұрын
Should've left a "better start saving for your retirement home now" notice.
@LivingMyBestLifeIAm
Жыл бұрын
@@oginza He never had to live in a retirement or nursing home. When he fell ill, it was I who moved him across the country to live with me for 5 months until he passed away.
@andrewgibb8846
2 жыл бұрын
Excellent information Richard, this hits home for me. Throughout my working career, I’ve found bosses use tactics exactly like you mentioned and it’s emotional manipulation that has worked on me. A very aggressive boss, suddenly turns on a joyful mood in your presence, than requests a job for you to complete that’s unreasonable or out of normal work hours. A situation where you finally feel some relief that the boss is not aggressive, and if you say no, that mood will shift into aggressive again. Thank you for helping me understand this dynamic, it will really help me understand what’s happening in these moments. It really pisses me off that bosses use this to manipulate and it’s going to stop for me asap. 👍🇨🇦
@lisasunshine7654
2 жыл бұрын
When I was growing up, I remember my mother commenting about my behavior as being a strong willed child. She was the parent I had the difficult relationship with. Emotional highs, anger, pouting, and neutrality. Now I wonder about myself, was I really strong willed? Or was I just resisting her personality that was demanding my emotional space? Food for thought!
@newjerseydevil6115
2 жыл бұрын
I agree. It's never good to manipulate someone to do what you want and it definitely shouldn't be done to children.
@aahaider4453
Жыл бұрын
Very well explained. My observation would be that the abuser N is actually training you to follow their commands. And they are doing this consciously and then exploiting it later when needed.
@1RPJacob
2 жыл бұрын
Some people are afraid to change and stop people pleasing. If they change they would have to acknowledge that they have wasted big part of their life for serving others. It's hard to see that life was wasted for friends/family who manipulated and used them.
@nikz6297
2 жыл бұрын
Omg, my mother was a mindfield. I'm afraid to show my mind.
@onetime3738
2 жыл бұрын
This is an Important message - thanks for explaining and reminding me.
@gypsyeclipse9788
2 жыл бұрын
It was hard in the same house because they would get so loud and bombarding that it would rattle the brain. The less they knew the better for me
@godessunivers6941
2 жыл бұрын
I learned for so long and hard,finally, I learned say no! Because of conditions, abuse etc, you get fed up,to saying yes, to almost anything, no more! Teaching my kids to know what they are, and boundaries! Keep away from social media, knews, glam etc
@chelseathomas1258
2 жыл бұрын
Have you ever heard of the book “existential kink” by Carolyn Elliott. It’s about how we can consciously choose to experience any sensation as either pain or pleasure. It also talks about how we actually enjoy some of these painful experiences because our subconscious mind finds pleasure in them. It’s helping me explore a whole other side of my codependent tendencies 👌👌 I think these ideas are pertinent to the work you discuss🙏🏻☺️
@wordivore
2 жыл бұрын
Isn't that a form of CBT? This is a silly example, but I do what (I think) you're talking about with hiccups. 🤣 I actually don't enjoy hiccups but I can switch up my mindset and just kind of like them and relax into them. And then they go away.
@A_n_y_t_i_m_e
Жыл бұрын
If you're familiar with pain (early childhood, bad parenting during formative years, sense of not being good enough, being dismissed and/or judged, not being seen, unconditional love etc.), in adulthood your unconsciousness (where you store all the "bad stuff") will do everything to make you relive that again, because the sad irony is - pain is all you know. Quite tragic.
@le0ismyp00kie
5 ай бұрын
Today, I was in a situation where I tried to say no but it didn’t go well. I was pressured into something I wasn’t comfortable doing and now I can’t stop thinking about it and it left me shaking and feeling sick. This boy told me he felt a certain feeling and that he wanted to FaceTime me and see my body. I told him I can only do that with someone I really trust. He didn’t care and he kept begging. So, I gave in and went on ft with him and I saw things I didn’t want to see and I showed him something I didn’t want to show him. I was so worried about letting him down or making him mad if I said no. My biggest red flag is that I’m too much of a people pleaser and I can’t say no to others…
@mactine2k7
24 күн бұрын
Please learn to say no so that you will not have things to beat yourself up about later. I'm just encouraging you, a good therapist, find a strong friend who knows how to say no and take their example
@dougg1976
2 жыл бұрын
Is it me or the sound is muffled , could my hear phones ......
@hanabi9086
Жыл бұрын
I honestly hate arguing..and that's the reason why I don't say no to people ..😢
@waterbottle2183
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you.. Valuable insights.. You brought me back when you mentioned the subtle looks a parent passes on, the story about the teacher.. so clarifying.. etc 👍
@wordivore
2 жыл бұрын
Those subtle looks are one of the most difficult thing to explain about how hurtful they were.
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