The kindest people I have ever known were not members of my family.
@1timbarrett
Жыл бұрын
The kindest people i have ever known were... dogs!😅
@daisylass1712
Жыл бұрын
@dani cali thanks. I am okay.
@Medietos
Жыл бұрын
They might be abusive to their closest family members. And my abusive family members are very nice and do good to others. Ppl seem to believe that ppl are the one or the other, where we are both.
@princessmarlena1359
Жыл бұрын
Families suck.
@alisha55555
Жыл бұрын
This is where a lot of the cognitive dissonance comes in for me - people outside of my family have treated me way better, men outside of my family have shown me that good, nurturing, emotionally supportive fathers do exist etc
@Earthismadeoflayers
Жыл бұрын
Be prepared to never hear from any of them again when you stand up for yourself and have boundaries. Better off finding a new family.
@Tilly732
Жыл бұрын
As soon as I started setting boundaries, my family pushed backed (parents and siblings). They were mad that I didn’t allow myself to be their trashcan anymore.
@e_i_e_i_bro
Жыл бұрын
There's relatives, and there's family
@snoozebutton23
Жыл бұрын
Yep. Mil did the same to us when we told her to bankrupt someone else we aren't a place to freeload and get a job. Not heard from her in 2 years. 😁
@1timbarrett
Жыл бұрын
I like to say, “It’s so liberating...”
@ErikaLaGrande
Жыл бұрын
Yes, it’s hard in the beginning. It sucks to realize that they don’t really care. At some point (after much reflection and maybe therapy), you’ll realize how much better life is without them. I passed 50 years of life thinking I suffered from dysthymia (chronic low grade depression) and anxiety. After being pushed too my breaking point, I went no contact with my entire large family. I even cut off old friends because they knew my family members. I ended up alone with my teenage daughter. I can’t tell you how much life has changed for the better. It’s not that I don’t have problems, but I don’t have to deal with all the toxic drama and $hitstirring. I feel content 99% of the time. It’s a calm feeling. I might have mistaken it for boring if I was still caught up in everyone’s drama and being blamed for what they do.
@truescotsman4103
10 ай бұрын
Being gaslighted by your family feels like living in the twilight zone. it's almost impossible to get it thorough your own head that this is really happening and you're not the bad guy.
@FreshGrey-pm4vw
8 ай бұрын
Isnt it strange??? I say that to myself often - how can they do this to their own people? Cruelty and domination occur everywhere and some of us got saddled with those types of family members. Most of my family line on my mothers side are loud, bossy, caustic, verbally abusive women. They had a reputation for yelling and what I refer to as "shrieking" to each other and anybody who disagreed with them. That sound of screaming, argumentative women is such a terrible trigger for me. No wonder men couldnt get away fast enough.
@truescotsman4103
8 ай бұрын
@@FreshGrey-pm4vw it's toxicity in general. I had an epiphany about a perfect place where no toxic people exist. And then I realized it would be so easy we just handle our business and have respect and dignity. I can imagine that place because it's where I want to be and how I want to behave. That place can't exist if not for the rest of these people who are all toxic
@lovelyscorp79
8 ай бұрын
Yes!!!!!! it took decades to learn being forced to live(sharing the same wall) with the family member who SAd me was horribly traumatic and one of the many causes of my depression. Imagine being caught in the act and everyone furious at you. Only years later to be forced to act as if im in one big happy family. Because it disrupted their lives. Their picture of their family. So much pain in one lifetime as an empathic just isn't fair. The healing process is slow going but going on 4 years no contact. I'm no victim.
@FreshGrey-pm4vw
8 ай бұрын
@@lovelyscorp79 Good for you- so sorry for the pain you went through. Your self care matters so much and efforts to feel validated. We have to go through a kind of deprogramming process. Its worth it.
@lovelyscorp79
8 ай бұрын
@@FreshGrey-pm4vw I'll look more into that thank you!!!!! For freedom I give thanks everyday.
@dreanki
Жыл бұрын
I think people who become the scapegoat are the ones that are perceived as a threat. Either because we think more critically, perceive patterns more clearly, etc. That's very threatening to a narcissist or psychopath, and they pick up on it quickly.
@1timbarrett
Жыл бұрын
It has taken me decades to twig that my poor parents and older siblings were probably intimidated by me.
@clairobics
Жыл бұрын
yes, because they cannot stand the authenticity - they are running in the opposite direction to their pain and refusing to work through it, thats exactly why hey need a scapegoat
@RBartsy
Жыл бұрын
Yes scapegoats are those who are different, yes often truth-tellers by choice or chance, thus can be easy targets of everyone around who need someone else to blame their woes on. My dilemma is not so much within my family as within larger community. Because I’m different, i do attract notice because lm kind, energetic, not a gossip, prefer talking about big issues, love learning, an easy target for others who need to be entertained …. I’ve gotten much better at excusing myself from people who haven’t a strong moral center but in thus day & age, its difficult to find good people as society descends into another kind of dark ages. But i refuse to lower my standards. Luckily my parents were wonderful patents who prepared my ADHD self for success in many ways! But damn community these days post-COVID snd post-my own grief over too much loss in short period of time community is scarce with the descent of fear over the world. Its terrible in the world tiday.
@wisconsinfarmer4742
Жыл бұрын
My mother was afraid of me the day I was born. I never cried or fussed and my eyes were wide open in the delivery room. Many of her narcissistic illusions got put to rest in this lifetime.
@sharonjones7138
Жыл бұрын
Mostly, cause we want the truth. Even as a little kid, we have instinct to know truth from lie, and “out of the mouth of babes”, we may blurt something out that embarrasses the narcissist. If that happens repeatedly, that narcissist has that kid (me), in her (my mother) in her crosshairs. 💔💔. And I was in her mind, the enemy until I moved out at 19, and went no contact 🥳🥳.
@niaelbryant2336
Жыл бұрын
The scapegoat shines light on their darkness. So the scapegoat is the target.
@MJ-qb5ph
Жыл бұрын
Totally!!!!! And often the truth teller who not only sees their BS but openly challenges it
@MonochromaticBlues
Жыл бұрын
lol i had a scapegoat target me
@DarkCelestialConsciousness
Жыл бұрын
@@MonochromaticBlues yes they do target ppl to rebuke them
@jimmymaracas6442
11 ай бұрын
@@DarkCelestialConsciousnessI’ve certainly started fighting back after years of taking it, can’t just take sucker punches forever without fighting back at some point.
@sandrab2589
6 ай бұрын
This is my favorite comment. The people who refuse to believe the "scapegoat" or even listen with an open mind have DARK SOULS.
@thatguyjoe007
Жыл бұрын
Dysfunctional families need a scapegoat, so they can project all their guilt and shame onto the scapegoat. It makes them feel better about themselves.
@fairuzmaileen5691
Ай бұрын
This👏🔝
@electricyouare2222
Ай бұрын
Without having to fix any real problem.
@ChristineSpringerElaine
Жыл бұрын
They don't want to be accountable, and you weren't supposed to set boundaries... you were supposed to be codependent and keep taking the abuse. The narcs in your family are jealous of you. You are authentic and real and they can't do that. ❤️
@sirrantsalott
Жыл бұрын
My mother literally told me it was a virtue not to tell the truth ‘all the time” meaning some truths are meant to be said and others to be ignored or kept in secret 🙄
@TheJeremyKentBGross
Жыл бұрын
@@sirrantsalott Wow.
@backtothelabradio9867
Жыл бұрын
Exactly 💯
@ginadean499
Жыл бұрын
spot on
@nunyabidness4946
Жыл бұрын
Quite interesting you talk about strategic default. How are we supposed to pay property taxes when satan controls the only currency and it's use will cost our soul? Even the Annabaptists will have to contend with this issue.
@MicheleBohmke
Жыл бұрын
I was raised by wolves (metaphorically). My parents were lackadaisical, hateful and didn't keep much of an eye on me as a kid. I got out, I'm an Escapegoat. Get away from the toxic family and never look back.
@wisconsinfarmer4742
Жыл бұрын
Good coinage of the term.
@DevonExplorer
Жыл бұрын
That's a brilliant term! May we all be escapegoats and find better fields to gambol and be free in, lol. Love it. :)
@damaris7687
Жыл бұрын
Escapegoat. I love it 💯
@michelleturner4507
Жыл бұрын
Oh that made my day! My new label, Escapegoat. Thank you.
@anntrope491
Жыл бұрын
I have used that same description. ..& heard Annie Oakley also was "raised by wolves !" We are forced to be "Lone Wolves "...& apparently we are in good company, & not as alone as we thought...♡☆♡
@sleepmutterer9746
Жыл бұрын
This doesn't just happen in families. I refused to participate in bullying with a group of my work colleagues, so now I'm being bullied by them, having lies spread about me etc... It sucks being a scapegoat for others shitty behaviour 😐
@pmw3839
Жыл бұрын
So sorry to hear that. A very familiar scenario. I don’t know the answer to it, but you are not alone.
@sleepmutterer9746
Жыл бұрын
@@pmw3839 that's comforting to know - thank you 🙏
@starrycrown
Жыл бұрын
I relate so much to this comment! I have had this dynamic play out at work, and it is hard to overlook the social ostracism and still enjoy the job, even if you love the job.
@sleepmutterer9746
Жыл бұрын
@@starrycrown I agree - love the job, but sometimes the urge to walk can be overwhelming! It's nice to hear I'm not alone in this scenario 🙏
@sohara....
Жыл бұрын
*"... the scapegoat can do no right..."* It's a character definition. Once we are clear about the character role we are playing, (a) we can move away from the people enacting the other parts in the scapegoat drama, (b) we can continue to be loyal to that self definition and have other experiences over time that mirror that self-definition, *or* (c) we can form ourselves a new character, free of the past. Here is where people like Joe Dispenza are very useful to free us from the past.
@britniturner8109
Жыл бұрын
I got away from all of them. I moved across the country and struggled financially just to raise my kids away from these people . And thank God I did .
@Mourning_Dove
Жыл бұрын
Hurray! It is so worth it 🙂
@deborahcurtis1385
Жыл бұрын
Hatred of me unites them. They do the love bombing and then attack. After watching the earlier video on this I cut all contact. They never forgave me for cutting contact before and now I'm doing it again. They all lie, bully, abuse, and backstab. HOW can anyone function normally with them, with that going on?
@mulliganstew72
Жыл бұрын
Same here and I just moved back lol… That’s OK. I do want to be there for my mom’s old or years, but I’m going to have to learn how to keep the separation even though I am close.
@rs5570
Жыл бұрын
Well done! Love for you from me. ♥️
@rs5570
Жыл бұрын
♥️🙏🏻
@ACEDIAMOND666
Жыл бұрын
My family just tells people "oh, don't listen to him, he's crazy" when I speak the truth, or anything else at all.
@annthomson5648
3 ай бұрын
Same here
@pdizzle5302
2 ай бұрын
Every person I have ever interacted with, who has not met my family, treats me with respect and usually seeks out my guidance or advice in a wide array of matters. Every person who knows me through my family treats me like I am a moron and openly mocks me and laughs at me when I express completely normal thoughts and ideas as if I am some sort of clown. I live in two worlds.
@JessAnonymous
2 ай бұрын
@pdizzle5302 can 100% relate
@patrickpiranha4912
Ай бұрын
@@pdizzle5302 I can totally relate to this complete mind f*ck! It is actually another part of the scapegoating "crazy making behaviour" that all scapegoats have to endure. Exactly what you describe I'll give you 2 examples from my own experience: I was earning £100k a year as a Digital Business Partner (yet I was a feckless waster apparently!) and whilst at a family friend's one evening when asked how the job was - upon me saying it was stressful I was immediately slapped down with "all jobs are stressful....." Dismissed!!! At another occasion at our family home a Sunday dinner was happening - surrogate auntie types in attendance. Twas 2019 and Boris Johnson was Prime Minister. I expressed opinion that he was infact a sociopath. One of the surrogate aunties (the one closest to my parents) immediately said "Well I don't agree with you!" Ok I said that's fine but then I had a sudden epiphany so I asked her "out of interest, do you know what a sociopath is?" She said "No I don't!" Just wow! This is when you realise how openly cruel these flying monkeys can be. I have no idea about the opinion you just gave but you're still wrong because it's you....!
@PeggyMigner
Ай бұрын
My life!
@nightowl6260
Жыл бұрын
I was the scapegoat for being different: smart, organized, insightful and hard working. I left home at 18 y.o. and they envy and hate me even more that I was successful in college/graduate school and successful at work . They so wanted me to return home depressed and broken.
@Rumination_Vertex
7 ай бұрын
Same here, my family hated me for being a critical thinker and calling them out on their behavior. They would call me up tight for having my room clean and being organized or having a good memory which they hated. My mom is a nut job psychologist (with no boundaries on privacy ironically) and thought something was wrong with me cause I wasn't messy and chaotic like her and my siblings. They made fun of me for cleaning my room or tucking my shirt in or dressing up for formal events like the rest of my cousins and extended family who I really respected and treated me with respect unlike my immediate family. I think they also hated that the rest of the extended family really loved me and always asked about me and growing up they came to my sports events, musical performances and gave me support when my mother didn't want me even playing sports and tried to emasculate my brother and I. My extended family are conservative and my mom is a so called liberal but now she hates them and calls them white supremacists and doesn't want to talk to them. My mom is white, my dad a black Latino and I never heard ANY of my extended family (other than my grandfather) say anything racist towards me or my ethnicity. It's really sad cause they are really good people but I can't communicate with them or I'll be intwined with my immediate family again. I'm also the one that moved the furthest away from home and never came home for Thanks Giving or Christmas haha! Sorry for the rant.
@carolinekamya2339
5 ай бұрын
they love that - deleting self is the best outcome for them, you disappear and they get supply of being parent who lost their bad child -
@autobotdiva9268
5 ай бұрын
Always. College they frown
@jimparsons4312
3 ай бұрын
My mom said, “boy you think you’re hot shit don’t you?” When I got accepted to college/ she tried to talk me about of going.
@ellinorglorioso2247
Ай бұрын
I like you left home at 18, legal age. Don't look back.They will envy and hate you until the day they die. It is part of who they are, if not all.
@tessthemermaid7742
Жыл бұрын
As a scapegoat I feel like I carry a very heavy guilt for nothing. I don't know how to be free of it.
@Datb2
Жыл бұрын
same its exhausting
@dnk4559
Жыл бұрын
I’m working on letting that go. This is generational trauma in the form of toxic shame and it’s not my job to carry it. I’m done carrying the weight of other people’s pain.
@tessthemermaid7742
Жыл бұрын
@@dnk4559 I'm seeing a therapist but it's slow going.
@dnk4559
Жыл бұрын
@@tessthemermaid7742 gosh, I feel the same way. I’ve been doing EMDR and she understands family systems and trauma so that has been very helpful. I am trying to be patient. It’s taken me over fifty years to understand what was going on so I’m trying to see the time and money I’ve spent in therapy in journaling etc as necessities to overcome fifty years of maladaptive ways of thinking that somehow if I tried hard enough and explained myself well enough my family would finally see the light and want to get well and we could all have a good life together. Ugh, I was so naive.
@MJ-qb5ph
Жыл бұрын
Their intent is for you to experience this. Be gentle with yourself
@Julia-b9x
Жыл бұрын
I was/am the family scapegoat. In my 20's (before I realized it), I married an emotionally abusive guy, typical cycle of abuse. After a couple of years, I knew the guy was out of control (just like my biological family) and I felt he would get worse and kill his significant other. After much drama, I divorced him. My biological family sided with him as they chose not to believe me. My feelings didn't matter. 20 years later, I found out he's in prison for murdering his ex-girlfriend. It occurred to me, my biological family wanted SO BADLY to make ME the bad guy, that they made a murderer, a "good guy". Wow.
@w8what575
Жыл бұрын
Ur comment sounds so familiar except my ex that they still love so much…he didn’t murder anyone but was arrested and convicted of 49 felony burglaries the first round and 14 more the second round…and somehow my family believes I was involved…my brother and sister even planted evidence in my storage and turned it in to the cops to try getting me arrested and not my ex…wtf.
@Julia-b9x
Жыл бұрын
@@w8what575 OMG! THat's even worse than my biological family! Do you have the option of moving FAR away from them and never looking back? Your family sounds downright dangerous.
@lunahora5512
Жыл бұрын
@@Julia-b9x exactly.. i did it.. i moved to another country.
@Julia-b9x
Жыл бұрын
@@lunahora5512 Nice! Congratulations! Chances are biological family will never realize their wrongs, it will always be "We have no idea why she moved, we have no idea what got into her....." They have to stay in denial in order to not take responsibility for their behavior.
@lunahora5512
Жыл бұрын
Yes.. they will never dear. I moved 6 years ago from Portugal to the UK and I rarely get a call from them.. its almost Christmas day and the only person that called me from my family was my mum, as always. But thanks dear. It was still the best decision I could have done
@lindagithaiga1974
Жыл бұрын
Now the uncle that got away makes alot of sense😔
@1timbarrett
Жыл бұрын
Unfortunately, my chronically belittled uncle - the best of them all, IMHO- died years ago, at age 67, overweight, alcoholic and depressed.😢
@lindagithaiga1974
Жыл бұрын
@@1timbarrett oh hell naw 😭
@SisterWatchmanBrooke
Жыл бұрын
WOW --- I just thought of mine, *right before I read this.
@eunicedetoiles9901
Жыл бұрын
same for me!
@briand3420
Жыл бұрын
I have an aunt that got away and it makes so much sense now. I was told she was weird and crazy. Now I’m the weird and crazy one.
@verreal
Жыл бұрын
It makes sense that they would attack the talented one if they feel unhappy with themselves and their lives.
@nancybartley4610
Жыл бұрын
You don't even have to be talented. You might just follow rules, behave in school, get good grades, get into a good university, have a profession, marry someone who is kind. I think my family really reacted when I married a really decent, hardworking, down to earth guy. It was obvious he loved and respected me and that our marriage would last. That just didn't fit the loser image they wanted me to have.
@DarkCelestialConsciousness
Жыл бұрын
@@nancybartley4610 wow this is sooo accurate 💖
@arsenelupiniii8040
10 ай бұрын
Jealousy is at the core of NPD.
@user56gghtf
3 ай бұрын
Very true but as children we didn't understand that or even if we kind of did understand our level of understanding wasn't as in depth as it is now
@hilltopvt
Жыл бұрын
"Not everybody will treat you as cruelly as your parents and your siblings did." That hit home - for a long time I always wanted to return to my family, not realizing consciously that they were the least welcoming people in my world. Now I'm in an excellent healing program, I've keep no contact with most of the family.
@ACEDIAMOND666
Жыл бұрын
Same here. Fuck 'em!
@lisastillion2937
11 ай бұрын
Perfectly said. It takes a great dwal of work to overcome their incessant screaming, cussing, hitting, burning of possessions but it can be done. But you must always keep that fence up because they dont give up even for 1 second to attempt to hurt you. Living well and w/out their influence is the best revenge there is.
@mattyo2291
10 ай бұрын
People WILL treat you badly. Human beings like to kick others when they are down. Fact.
@vivdoolan6846
Жыл бұрын
I was the golden child but became the scapegoat when I challenged the gaslighting covert narc mother. Father was enabler and gaslit too. Reached out to sibs who just ignored me due to indifference. I've left them all in my wake with no regrets. I refuse to have relationships with toxic people, now I keep myself safe.
@sirrantsalott
Жыл бұрын
This is my story too. I was the golden child now turned scapegoat and black sheep. Same, I called out my covert narcissist mom for stealing millions from my recently deceased father. That was the last straw that broke my back. Never looked back.
@sirrantsalott
Жыл бұрын
And get this, my siblings did NOT want to do a thing about it despite WE are all rightful heirs. They have her under her spell and she has them believing there is no will. Excuse me? Millions and no will? My father was a professionally successful man and ran a legal and accounting firm. 🤯
@Theowlhawk
Жыл бұрын
Takes courage x
@iamjheani
Жыл бұрын
Same.
@MJ-qb5ph
Жыл бұрын
Me too. Two years no contact (finally)
@ginadean499
Жыл бұрын
a counseller asked me how i managed to break the cycle,my reply was this,it wasnt hard,i just did the complete opposite of my mother ,i would never want my child to feel the same way i did
@r4nd0mguuy38
Жыл бұрын
Thanks for the emphaty. To the fellow scapegoats, i hope you'll have an amazing day today, even if a lonely one.
@taffylove6193
Жыл бұрын
A Peaceful One!!
@r4nd0mguuy38
Жыл бұрын
@@taffylove6193 Yes! Absolutely. That more than anything else! We deserve it!
@waynemcleod6767
Жыл бұрын
There's being alone and there's being lonely. Imho scapegoats are best positioned in learning how to avoid the one and embrace the other.
@MAMlife
Жыл бұрын
Bless your heart ❤️
@kingbee9778
Жыл бұрын
Solitude with peace is awesome! Put your energy into yourself and your interests. Give the abusers no more.
@kellyyork3898
Жыл бұрын
It’s hard for people to hold more than one image of people in their minds at one time. For example, it’s hard for people to believe that a banker who helps in his community and church can also be a child molester behind closed doors. And…some of the abuser’s supporters are just exactly like him.
@scapegoatchildrecovery
Жыл бұрын
Such a good point Kelly. SO many people lack basic critical thinking skills
@ravenel2
11 ай бұрын
Absolutely. It’s so easy for a man in a position of authority with a pleasant outward appearance and a likeable face to be downright evil, because everyone projects their own love, light, and ethics onto him. If he momentarily does something odd or sketchy, most people will give him every benefit of the doubt and make excuses rather than paying very careful attention to what just happened.
@AnthonyManzio
11 ай бұрын
@@scapegoatchildrecovery I've been mobbed and gaslighting at work for over 12 years till present. Full of NPD cowards at work and will end up exposing themselves.. I'm a top worker, jealous of me big time and of my money and condo too. Defamation of character. Saying I'm a stalker, I drink, I'm crazy. All bs. Managers are scared of the bullies, they do nothing, union, police are all totally useless too. Toxic workplace in healthcare. Been working 38 years and never been suspended. Action speaks louder than words. But this crap never ends trying to scare the women at work, all the insecure and toxic women. I will never quit due to these lazy bums with no life. These 2 guys should be locked up and have the manager fired.
@Ann-eb8dp
2 ай бұрын
People have many faces
@gwendolynwehage6336
Жыл бұрын
This is so true, I was the scapegoat and still am. People dismiss me, ignore me and even mock me no matter what I say and do. They love to show contempt in some way or another every time we are together. They suck all the joy out of the room as soon as they walk in, so I avoid them as much as possible.
@ccalexander1924
Жыл бұрын
Same ! That’s why I been NC for a month now with two family members and I decided I’m Not doing anymore family get togethers with them ever again. No Xmas , no b day celebrations with them , no holiday get togethers at all. I might meet once in a blue moon with them for a restaurant get together then go home straight after. I have no desire to be anywhere near them for anything for a lengthy time. They can find someone else to be their scapegoat. I am putting my house up for sale in august and I am moving hours away if not another state. Then I won’t have to worry about them showing up at my door. Weird thing tho .. I moved away for 5 years. Came back and nothing changed. They don’t change. You have to
@DarkCelestialConsciousness
Жыл бұрын
Same
@gwendolynwehage6336
Жыл бұрын
@@ccalexander1924 I have pretty much made a rule that "IF" I see any of them again it will be on my turf one on one, no others around. They seem to feed off one another. They are far less likely to pull their nonsense when it is only them alone. They need others to validate what they do, they are the weakest people ever.
@debrajorgensen2730
11 ай бұрын
They suck all the joy out of the room - Yes, I said something very similar recently - They suck all the air out of the room………I felt suffocated, likeI couldn’t breath 😧
@DarkCelestialConsciousness
11 ай бұрын
@@debrajorgensen2730 ppl can say the same for a broken empath scapegoat
@Faith_Chi
Жыл бұрын
It always astounds me how many of us there are. Wishing my fellows resilience and a healthier and better life without the toxic family xo
@doricetimko5403
Жыл бұрын
Wishing the same for you with extra blessings
@ericaelaine
9 ай бұрын
I'm starting to believe there are just two kinds of people in this world.
@vrth0mas
Жыл бұрын
"Not everyone in the world will treat you as hurtfully or as cruelly as your parents did." I've yet to see that bear out. Since I've created healthy boundaries for myself I've found many people to be outright hostile. Our cultural values are themselves toxic, people are incentivized to be toxic, and this is evidenced by perceived increases in the rates of mental illness (including empathy disorders) over time. I honestly just prefer to be alone now.
@AaronHendu
Жыл бұрын
Same...isolation is awesome and the only peaceful era of my nearly 40 years alive. People suck...objectively.
@arainagodtheice
Жыл бұрын
Cats are kinder than people.
@mrnice7570
Жыл бұрын
Dogs are kindest of all
@lilyw.719
Жыл бұрын
@@mrnice7570 Not if you have a Siamese cat. They're puppy-cats. Or Burmese. Only they're better than a dog, because you don't have to take them outside to go to the bathroom and walk them, unless you want to. I have my Siamese cat leash and harness trained, so we romp outside.
@mrnice7570
Жыл бұрын
@@lilyw.719 awesome 😎 but no cat can outdog a dog lol
@CarolBurke-ig2lb
4 ай бұрын
I remember when my amazingly kind therapist said these words to me...."You matter"....I balled my eyes out with relief.....I'd like to say to any empath that may happen to read this, You Matter.
@TheFlowerGardenZa
2 ай бұрын
❤
@HansenFT
Жыл бұрын
That's why I went no-contact with not only close family, but all relatives and anyone else they are even potentially in contact with. Watertight. That way there is no reason to worry about what anyone believes.
@rs5570
Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for your comment. I hope you might see mine. I did the same. It had to be WATER TIGHT! Yes. Off with every single human being who knew them. Water tight. That was how extreme I had to do this to get rid of them. I am changing my NAME right now to ensure they cannot ever approach me in any way. I even ask God to keep them away from me in the next life, if there is one. It’s too much. Love to you ♥️
@HansenFT
Жыл бұрын
@@rs5570 thanks! I did see it now. Honestly it made my life a little worse for 1-2 years. Nailed it down to moat likely guilt (especially regarding my mother. Might be biologically hard wired in some of us) But I'm better of in the long run. And I've had a new spring so to speak, on/off, since last may. No I finally seem over the hill. Good luck & lasting peace to you! The steeper the climb, the more you enjoy the view from the top!
@HansenFT
Жыл бұрын
@Susel I get that! Me too. I can even (or could), without even notice it, feel guilty towards some of the worse even (and o/c the collateral damage, including two brothers from another mother) Caused me to rage in imaginary discussions to defend myself.. After 1/2 years I nailed it down to a flash of guilt I would feel in the chest, usually when I felt good and asked myself (probably b/c hypervigilanse), could ever thing be cool and peacefull..? I'm over the hill now I think. Meditation and pranayama.. peace and good luck!
@jimparsons4312
Жыл бұрын
Yes… I can see why you just make it absolute. I’m thinking of going no contact with all of them, but there’s one good friend who’s loosely associated with my family and I want to keep her In my life. How do I do that?
@arsenelupiniii8040
10 ай бұрын
Yup, my ex taught me how to let it go, and showed me how to disappear. I would bet she thought I would curl up and die. Nope, quite the opposite and since my blood relatives sided with her smear campaign, they are also dead to me.
@nkm719
Жыл бұрын
They not just make you believe you'll never find acceptence out there, they make it sure and do everything to bring you down.
@aaliyahscott9523
Жыл бұрын
So true
@nancybartley4610
Жыл бұрын
That is an interesting point about not find acceptance out in the world. It is true. My family invested a lot of energy in making me believe something was wrong with me. I bought it hook. line and sinker!
@skathwoelya2935
Жыл бұрын
Even to the point of setting you up in the first place!
@rockstarofredondo
11 ай бұрын
Yep. Just think about how bizarre of a person one must be to do that to others. Just the absolute level of mental weirdness these toxic people are imprisoned in.
@brie1987
6 ай бұрын
And then when you get into a situation that sabotages and lets that lie play out, you feel they were right. But it’s the only way to be someone to somebody but a self destructive way. Grieving it all is hard and seems like you wont survive. Some of us don’t survive this and take our own lives.
@tiffanycolson3358
11 ай бұрын
I know in my case why i was the scapegoat. My mother set me up from birth. She could hide her failed relationships from everyone because Tiffany was bad. I was labeled a liar as soon as I could talk. It worked but she lost me. She still does it. I finally realized one day that I can't be blamed for being there and not being there. If your life is still bad when I'm gone, then you just make poor decisions.
@DoMinique-ju2ul
Жыл бұрын
My mother started to slander me to other family members and friends from my early teen years on.. so i didnt stand a chance. I was a rather shy kind and minded my own business. She on the other hand was 'bubbly' (fake), gossiped and was on some sort of superior moral throne. So she kinda enchanted them. She is very good at planting seeds about others in someone's mind, i saw her do it all the time with other people.
@bakedbeans9546
11 ай бұрын
There is no worse betrayal than your own parents (who are supposed to be our ultimate defenders) choose to attack their children rather than protect them. They seem to get a great thrill out of slandering and insulting their kids and their listeners are just as toxic as them for entertaining those type of conversations. I always think it's a huge red flag when a parent starts speaking badly about their own children with no justified reason for doing so.
@philippagrimoire5968
8 ай бұрын
Mines the same and she thought I was jealous because “she’s so gregarious “ 😂 I actually enjoy being quiet and not socialise with people. I prefer non human animals to humans ones. My mother never believed me about that when I stated it but I meant every word and still do
@philippagrimoire5968
8 ай бұрын
@@bakedbeans9546It’s disgusting behaviour. They aren’t parents they’re dementors
@tonglag2089
Жыл бұрын
My brother told me I was "pushing a narrative" about the abuse that I endured up until no contact. When I told him that I am staying to myself from now on, he told me "well now your just being a bully"
@mvbigmagic4048
7 ай бұрын
Wow..... now that's some cognitive dissonance.... being a bully by leaving them alone to face their own consequences and shortcomings..... *HUGS* Glad you got out of that cesspool. For me, every day away from my abusers improves my life, slowly but surely. I hope life is better for you now, also.
@brie1987
6 ай бұрын
You cannot win and it is designed like that. If you cannot play the game like the others, you are punished and they make sure to show you how much more they are getting and their supposed superiority. Always one down or nothing. Proving you can live without them may help, but its for you/us. By then going back is so empty. Finally being done and accepting the loss but never again letting it happen in our current lives. Ever
@likachambers6465
2 ай бұрын
I went no contact after recovering from my illness and I think they are thinking I am just bullying them with it.
@deedurkin9879
Жыл бұрын
I'm learning so much from all your videos. I'm facing another lonely Christmas on my own but I would choose been lonely over been around sick toxic people everytime... 😍
@pmw3839
Жыл бұрын
Me too.
@katella
Жыл бұрын
I pretend the "holiday season" doesn't exist. Otherwise, even though I've been alone for many years it can be a bit sad. I make a plan for some creative project. That way, I'm gladly doing it and happy afterwards with the results. That 's my way of dealing with holidays alone. It is now just about me and doing something that is good for me. That's what holidays now mean to me and there is not much time to feel abandoned. Cheers to being safe and productive! 🌻
@mmmmlllljohn
Жыл бұрын
It is not an easy road, Dee, but I wish you much happiness in the future. Spoil yourself this Christmas …. if you read, get some good books to read, make yourself a lovely dinner and watch some good movies or series on Netflix. It takes time but having good friends who actually support you will be your reward. ❤️🇨🇦
@deedurkin9879
Жыл бұрын
@@mmmmlllljohn Thank you for that lovely comment. 😍
@mmmmlllljohn
Жыл бұрын
@@deedurkin9879 ❤️
@ayd5108
Жыл бұрын
Yes, right on point ! The lunatic bunch that I was born into had so much anger against each other from prior decades of dysfunction. As a young child, I used to put myself in the line of fire constantly because I would always be nice. It always became a verbally and / or physically abusive moment as they openly mocked my kindness. It was very confusing for a young child to be called names and assaulted . I walked away 27 years ago and, by God’s grace, my life is amazing now and that’s the BEST revenge. You are very insightful, happy I found your channel ✨
@alwaysvictory
Жыл бұрын
Yeah, I just found this channel today. I like this channel too.
@1timbarrett
Жыл бұрын
I suspect a great way to live our best life is in such a way that our enemies will be jealous. If we were thinking about them, ever.
@rs5570
Жыл бұрын
♥️Love
@rs5570
Жыл бұрын
I think God brought me here.
@rs5570
Жыл бұрын
Very wise! Love ♥️
@clairobics
Жыл бұрын
It's sad, but somewhat reassuring to know that one of the reasons scapegoating is used, is that the family system doesn't want to look at its own pain. Sometimes i question, " why am I having to 'feel' for everyone else and work through so much trauma, etc?" when they're not bothered and now I know!
@yariauger4125
Жыл бұрын
Oh my word this is 100% spot on my entire life experience and story. Not to mention the gaslighting as well that happens. You're not only disbelieved but then told you're crazy, "it never happened", "you're lying" and on and on...the redemption will be with my own kids and family.
@taraarrington2285
Жыл бұрын
❤ I'm trying to rescue my kids from the same abuse that I went through but still having to deal with my abuser makes it very difficult
@JnTmarie
Жыл бұрын
❤
@lynnpayne6262
Жыл бұрын
I hope that your own kids and family redeem you. Mine did not. Still, this does work out for some. If your not lucky and you become the family trashcan yet again, just remember you can start over. It may not be the same life you wish you had but it's as good as you make it. Anything is better than sticking around for abuse.
@timk7073
Жыл бұрын
The scapegoat label from my family and awful Catholic school experiences followed me well into adulthood. When I graduated from law school, my parent's friend said to me "Wow, I never thought you'd amount to anything."
@lee48lee68
Жыл бұрын
Even after getting a law degree and surpassing everyone, that was their response? Keep proving them wrong. 🥇
@matilda4406
Жыл бұрын
lol !! Go Tim! Keep looking forward. Choose your friends wisely
@chaimomma9198
Жыл бұрын
So relatable ❤ Gods Blessings to you this Holiday. 🤗
@pinkroses135
Жыл бұрын
People that like to improve themselves seem to be their trashcan. Like a mirror of shame lol
@matilda4406
Жыл бұрын
@@pinkroses135 yeah, because it prompts them to also do the same...... and they can't/won't/resent it/not ready for it/etc.
@davidmchugh-hypnotherapist7213
Жыл бұрын
Toxic family relationships is the gift that keeps on giving. It took years before i fully realised that my extended family also avoided me like the plague, except when they wanted something from me.
@dnk4559
Жыл бұрын
You are correct about the “gift that keeps on giving”! I’m an “escaped goat” now!
@davidmchugh-hypnotherapist7213
Жыл бұрын
@@dnk4559 Yes, Mary has done a good job joining all the dots. It took me a long time to understand why I was invisible to my family and extended family. Why were there no photo's of me proudly (not) displayed on the mantle place or no visits by family members when they travelled around places near to me. Still, I am very grateful for a loving sister that has always being there for me and used to stand up for me when I was being abused.
@dnk4559
Жыл бұрын
@@davidmchugh-hypnotherapist7213 I’m so sorry you have also had a similar experience. It’s a hard thing to have to face but it now makes so much sense and really explains so much of what I had experienced with my Narcissistic parent who recently passed.
@davidmchugh-hypnotherapist7213
Жыл бұрын
@@dnk4559 Everyone gets affected in some way or other and can split a family as well. I wish you well in your healing journey.
@dnk4559
Жыл бұрын
@@davidmchugh-hypnotherapist7213 thank you and the same to you!
@Citrusfruits50
Жыл бұрын
My aunts, uncles, cousins etc.. will always see me as the black sheep. I have BPD caused by my parents, but nobody knows that. It is an immediate family secret. 🤫 If people knew how I was treated behind the scenes it would make my parents look bad - especially my dad. He has such a stellar reputation. Everyone thinks he’s just so fantastic. Why would anybody believe the “crazy” child? 🤷🏻♀️
@missfreshair
11 ай бұрын
💯 Resonate, understand and empathise. Ah the whispers and judgements against us on the slippery slide of confusion and self doubt. ;Although I was greyrocking, it's been hard coming to terms with my dramatic personality change. Somehow along the way, I became a codependent type resulting in further isolation, poor relationship choices, dangerous living, low self esteem, blame, shame, guilt, immaturity, fear & the list goes on ... We are strong and united in numbers now that many of us are waking up and walking out ❤
@Kate98755
11 ай бұрын
i share this story
@mariapilarme
10 ай бұрын
I do believe you. 😊
@brie1987
9 ай бұрын
@@missfreshairoh, I livd that one. If you have any trauma response based on the trauma caused by your family members touching have to keep secret they use it to discredit you and accuse you of accusing them and making stuff up. They can seem luke the “poor victimized beleaguered parents of their very mentally ill adult child”. Then they get all the sympathy and tell their manipulative story to all. Its damed if you do, damned if you don’t.
@moss534
8 ай бұрын
Wow thats sadly how my family is as well. My dad did a lot of bad things but its been like everyone keeps these blind folds on. They all see him as the hero the most loved and talked about person in the family. When I was a teenager I told a therapist I was having flashbacks of my dad abusing me as a kid. My mother made me stand next to her and watch her as she called everyone in my family to let them know what I had told the therapist. After being treated so badly I became suicidal thinking it was the only way I could escape verious forms of abuse by my mother and several others I tried to kill myself. I met some good people in the support group and went home feeling empowered and beginning to heal. The next time I openly talked to the therapist about the abuse my mother lied and said I was making suicide threats she had me hospitalised to shut me up about the abuse. I had a panic attack while in there listening to my mother make things up about me and the doctors refususing to hear my truth so they drugged me up and most of what I remember of the remaining weeks in there was being slouched over a wheel chair and asked "are you gonna talk about your father again?"
@blackdog1392
Жыл бұрын
Traumatic day with Narc mother today which was the culmination of months of her scheming and manipulating to finally dump all the badness on to me. Usual dramas, accusations and then the weeping protestations as I tried to leave. She ruined our family created rifts between siblings has robbed me of any self esteem, primed me for a lifetime of accepting abuse from others and gas lit everyone else in to believing her to be the perfect mother. At 93 she's in robust health. These poisonous soulless entities live forever, only the good die young .....
@juliedilworth4394
9 ай бұрын
I've noticed my narcissistic mother is in perfect health ,at 79.. But myself and all my siblings are very ill and lifelong health conditions ,we are in our .50s She will out live us ,I wonder if there is some type of spiritual vampirism, cannabalism where they feed off their children, literally I believe there is something going on. 😮
@mvbigmagic4048
7 ай бұрын
@@juliedilworth4394 I honestly believe there is some kind of energy transfer. My dad was expected to die within 1-2 weeks of stopping dialysis. But I, as the scapegoat, finally came home to help. While I was there, his labwork improved...... He lived 8 more months, until I had to return home to return to work. :( He died shortly after I left. I honestly believe my narcissistic mother hastened his death. I could feel myself dying too, while I stayed there to help my dying dad.....It took years off my life. I could not stay. After my dad died, I went no-contact permanently. I never even went back for the funeral. My father left a holographic will cutting my mother out completely. I never showed it to anyone. Money cannot buy peace. Freedom from my toxic mother is priceless.
@brie1987
6 ай бұрын
Sounds like my mother. They accuse me of trying to break them up, but I was saying some truth only once and never outside the relationship with the person concerned. I dint smear people. I kept things secret to protect their reputation in the community and the society the run in. Lots of projection by these people. They (she and my father for being a team in this) both taking like 2 ticks snd no dog. ruined any relationship I had with friends, or outside sources of truth, smeared me and made sure they putted my brother against me. Despicable and disgusting but it works for them and they do it because they can.
@kristinstrickland1038
3 ай бұрын
They do! They live forever!
@brandy4530
Жыл бұрын
This is so true. It took me a long time to understand that it wasn’t that they didn’t believe me, it was that they needed me to be the person they looked down on and blamed everything on. I never could understand why I needed to be perfect all the time, and it still wasn’t enough. Everyone else got to make mistakes and have normal human flaws, and they were still viewed as being wonderful. I get it now, they had a lot of shame, and needed to have someone in the family that was beneath them to make themselves feel better. I sometimes have this shuddering fear when I think about what would have happened to me if I hadn’t found a way to escape them. Even moving away and not being involved in their dysfunction didn’t stop them from blaming me for it. I remember after I first moved my grandmother kept telling me how well everyone was doing now that I wasn’t there to stress them out, and then her totally blaming me when the police showed up to break up one of my parent’s fights.
@wisconsinfarmer4742
Жыл бұрын
Maybe they were fighting over who was to blame for driving you away. so it was your fault. " Can't you do anything right?"
@mahoganyshanae6116
Жыл бұрын
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 Yes but they gonna hide that they were fighting over the scapegoats they keep that in secret f
@kaedatiger
Жыл бұрын
It's insane to blame you for something you're not even there for. This is how you know that they know exactly what they are doing and are doing it intentionally.
@kaedatiger
Жыл бұрын
It's insane to blame you for something you're not even there for. This is how you know that they know exactly what they are doing and are doing it intentionally.
@kaedatiger
Жыл бұрын
It's insane to blame you for something you're not even there for. This is how you know that they know exactly what they are doing and are doing it intentionally.
@Realalma
Жыл бұрын
I’m the SG… thank you for reminding me of all my gifts and talents that go ignored by my “family”. I’ve realized that they are actually jealous of me on many levels and criticize me by saying “you are too smart for your own good” I speak 3 languages fluently …and they are limited to one that they use as hate speech to me.
@sheilalopez3983
Жыл бұрын
I quit trying to get close to my parents when I was eleven. Now I'm older and I'm fed up with the rest of my family,. I'm ready to leave them behind too. Enough is enough! It's true you become emotionally self-sustaining, you learn to take care of yourself. But if you're not careful, you will draw the same kind of people as your family to you. But once you realize this you will allow better quality people into your life.
@mcdee56
Жыл бұрын
I was the Golden Child and then the Scapegoat! Fifty years ago, I moved out at 17 years old from a home with 2 NPD parents. Looking back, I dont know how I managed it, but then graduated high school, flew myself 2 thousand miles away, graduated college, then grad school, and then had a private practice in psychotherapy! Ironicall, my parents are in their nineties and my siblings are still recruited... so Im still the scapegoat, conveniently, in their eyes!
@rs5570
Жыл бұрын
What a story. I moved from a little town in Appalachia to London because I needed to be that far away from their reach. I knew they couldn’t touch me or find me there. I was right. It still feels too close.
@Ms.noelp453
Жыл бұрын
👏🏼 well done
@LimitlessThinker
Жыл бұрын
You did very well, against all odds! I left home around 16 and finished school. I went on to attend college & university. I was also in the Navy and did very well. I never got compliments from the family.
@brrr792
Жыл бұрын
Realizing that I was the scapegoat of the family clears up so many things that I was indecisive about. Thank you so much.
@kitsmith693
Жыл бұрын
I went to a hypnotherapist when I was 19 he asked me to describe my childhood I painted a glowing reference. Then he asked me rate it out if 10 & came up with 4 the two didn’t match up. I began to consider the mismatch. Such a useful conversation
@rubberbiscuit99
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing this. To me, it shows how deep the cognitive dissonance of the scapegoat can be. I lived with this for decades. ☮️
@DevonExplorer
Жыл бұрын
A similar thing happened to me when I went to see a counsellor. I underplayed it somewhat then was extremely startled when she said 'oh, you poor dear' and to see tears in her eyes. I didn't realise how bad things were because it was just normal to me. I so agree; it's really useful to see when others react to your situation, isn't it. :)
@smc1942
Жыл бұрын
I walked away from the last of my Narcissistic family in 2016. I went no contact, and moved 1000 miles away from them. I was 49 when I just couldn't take anymore. We haven't spoken since, and I'm okay with that. I saved their lives more times than I can count, and all I got in return was CONTEMPT. They talk about me like I'm garbage, but when trouble falls on them, I'm the first one they call. I should have broke contact in 1981! I would have been fully justified to do so. But as you say, I'm trying to be the good son. But nothing I did was ever enough. They always demanded more, More MORE!!! I even warned them, "Your behavior is making me hate you." Instead of changing their behavior, they doubled down on it. "What are you gonna do." I told them the truth, "I'll cut you from my life as I would a cancerous tumor." Then I did. Yes, I left them. But they drove me out. They had abandoned me years before. The only time they wanted me around was when there was work to do, or they needed money. Money they NEVER repaid!!! Everyone has a limit. I reached mine. The only way to stop the abuse is to WALK AWAY, GO NO CONTACT, and NEVER LOOK BACK. I am so damaged I'll never trust anyone enough to have any kind of relationship. I've accepted the life of a Recluse. "It's better to be alone than to be in bad company." George Washington
@artflyer8775
11 ай бұрын
I really understand what your saying, I've said those exact words to my mother a number of times and she doubles down and gets harder and more controlling I'm at braking point but I can't leave because mum did everything she could to stop me from getting my car licence and when I got married my husband did the same thing, now I'm going through a divorce and once that is over and find a place it will be no contact. I can't wait
@orangeziggy348
11 ай бұрын
I feel the same. It is hard to try to find someone I can try to trust again.
@sljf555
Жыл бұрын
This is so true. I naively thought that we could put it all behind us when I hit my 20’s. I had no idea at that age that being a family scapegoat is a position for life. I went no contact in my early 30’s, it was the best decision I ever made. It’s not easy but so worth it.
@Anon06428
7 ай бұрын
Happening to me now, age 30 myself…
@hermitthefrog8951
Жыл бұрын
This video may be specifically about the family, but the psychological concept (basically trauma-based mind-control) is directly applicable to politics at all levels. Mary Toolan describes very well how guilt by accusation (ie: smear) is effective and why society goes along with it and rarely, if ever, holding the powerful accountable - we "buy into the lie". This has been normalized so deeply in our culture that most people accept it as normal and are unaware of the pernicious (and evil) power of scapegoating. Furthermore, victims of scapegoating often trauma-bond to their accusers in a sort of Stockholm Syndrome dynamic.
@jeannedouglas9912
Жыл бұрын
Your right.
@traveller8867
Жыл бұрын
Excellent comment and so right about the Stockholm Syndrome.
@cc1k435
Жыл бұрын
I can attest that moving far away for a decade allowed me to surround myself with positive people. It was an amazing experience. Moving back has had my toxic family trying to treat me same as ever. I feel like I am able to keep my distance this time by moving out of the immediate metro area, and I also feel like I'll be able to surround myself with good people again. What a difference time and distance have made. 😊
@johnnytsunami3558
11 ай бұрын
Did you already have the pieces in place before moving? I'm thinking I'm just leaving, but not sure where to go... just know I'll happy deep down that I'm gone
@cc1k435
11 ай бұрын
@johnnytsunami3558 Moving which way? 😆 Either way, some things, yes, some no. Finding a job and/or a school you want to attend, along with somewhere to live would be a better way to reroot yourself in a new place than moving on a whim, but we don't always get to plan it all out in life, I suppose. Take care of yourself, and good luck. 🩷
@HYPERLLAMAS64
Жыл бұрын
This happened in my old friend group. I can point out two people who refused to handle their trauma. They were bullies and my husband and I got ousted as soon as I noticed and started standing up against it.
@sharonjones7138
Жыл бұрын
Yep…loosing my siblings. Sister is golden girl. Brothers are still not getting it so I’m on my own. It’s ok, I have a pretty good support group of friends. It’s 💔 at times, but I’m counting my blessings and focusing on what I have, not what I don’t have.
@HomeFrendsten
Жыл бұрын
I can understand everybody
@the51project
Жыл бұрын
I ended contact with my mother and brother, and by effect the wider family a few years ago. At the age of 57, after much study, it's now clear my own life-long issues all stemmed from a highly dysfunctional family system. I can see it in my nephews too. One golden, and the other (who has just released his first album, and like me in an earlier generation - he's creative) - the 'one with problems." My brother kept up the tradition of dysfunction.
@mulliganstew72
Жыл бұрын
Bottom line is, you’re not gonna change it so move along and live life to the best you can. No complaining…don’t try to fight it…she’s in no uncertain terms, telling us that this isn’t going to change. I admire that.
@wisconsinfarmer4742
Жыл бұрын
The best revenge is to live well.
@kazbah1217
Жыл бұрын
Since calling out my narc mother she has gone no contact on me. Guess that proves all the theories correct. Now I'm mourning for the mother I needed but never received. So much damage with zero accountability. It boggles my mind to say the least🤯
@DawnGreen-wn4hr
3 күн бұрын
Be prepared…they always come back!
@brooks8792
Жыл бұрын
I recently set healthy boundaries with my siblings, I am 65. Just realized nothing Will change. Lots of shame present with my family and lots of secrets. In tried, and I have my children who were treated poorly by my siblings and their children too. Sad it could not be as I hoped and it's ok.
@didirobert3657
11 ай бұрын
Growing up in a dysfunctional family is truly like being raised in a cult. The more abusive, the more controlling and cult like. I was/am the family scapegoat. I told my mother I was the family scapegoat when I was probably 12-14 years old! The scapegoat is always the truth teller. We want to bring things to light. The scapegoating also has occurred in my extended family. When you think about it, the abusive parent, or parents know what they are doing and are covering their own behinds. Oh, and I could also see the manipulative divide and conquer plays that were meant to divide my sisters and I.
@DHW256
Жыл бұрын
Mary, with amazing precision you convey what happens in the toxic family. Yes, the toxic parent projects his/her own past experience, failures, resentment, regrets, and/or those of the golden kid(s) onto the scapegoat(s). Our mother's life was saturated with envy, rage, resentment, regret and revenge. It never ended. All six of us kids, and our father, were subject to being the scapegoat at any given time. There was never any rest. I walked away after 46 years of her abject abuse. So far as I can tell, three of the six of us children became narcissists; they are determined to continue the curse Mom sewed into our lives, but we three primary scapegoats contemplate what happened, are determined to work through it, and we explain it to our children in the hopes they don't suffer the same fate as their toxic cousins. In the cauldron our mother developed, I became and prodigious artist and gifted student. I found it funny that Mom was always frustrated that my teachers absolutely loved me, but were absolutely frustrated by her golden children. I'm middle-aged today and am a very successful artist with lots of friends and outlets: the golden children are desperate, greedy, and struggle financially and socially.
@scapegoatchildrecovery
Жыл бұрын
Wow. Thank you for sharing. Well done for your amazing healing/recovery work. 💕
@ashleyrizzo2177
Жыл бұрын
These videos are so validating, thank you. Another year with no acknowledgment of my bday, holidays, or the historical winter storm my family and I just went through. I hurt for my kids who are so blatantly ignored, it can be disorienting trying to understand how people can be so cruel. The sibling-parent dance is real, I'm so grateful to be out of it.
@Mourning_Dove
Жыл бұрын
Even though your children are being ignored, think about the benefits there are to having children who are not exposed to toxicity and bullying. I'm glad my children were not exposed to this. My choice!
@LevaLivet_Nu
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for talking about this. I have actually never met anyone who has been through something similar to my experience and when I tell my story people normally don't believe me. They often find me strange. During childhood my mum always blamed me for everything no matter how hard I tried to be good and do everything right. My dad was running business and was very rarely at home, I really don't know what he saw. He was always busy and stressed but I think he had some kind of connection with his heart. He didn't blame me the same way. When I met and married a man it was like continuing to live with my mother. He treated me the same way. (Yes, I know that I made a decision to marry him, but I counld't see who he was (and who I was) when I was 25.) I was in a really bad state during this marriage was sick all the time and I didn't get well until I decided to get a divorce. When I left my ex-husband after 19 years he became very aggressive and full of hate. I locked with double locks but my mother blamed me and invited him behind my back. I wrote a letter to everybody who was invited to the party describing my situation (to my siblings and all of the family but me) but all I got was hate. At this time I slowly started to realize that something was wrong in my family, but I still blamed myself that I couldn’t solve this situation. When my father died in 2012 my mother screamed at me at his death bed that she never wanted to see me again. I found out that she informed the care center that my father had two daughters and not three. They were surprised when I called them. Now I had to grief the death of my father and the loss of my family. It was hard. Very hard. Then my mother played out my children against me she succeeded. My ex husband had already started that process to blame me for everything when we were divorced. So now I basically have no family left and no contact with my children or grandchildren. My mother has never contacted me again, neither has my two sisters. Other people or relatives "around" don't dare to meet me or talk to me in fear of my mothers reaction. They might be excluded as well... Today I start to feel free. But it has been a long journey. I have realized that my upbringing has given me a constant fear inside. It's hard to find your way out of a pattern you've had all your life. Now I’ve sold my house to travel in my van. Maybe I’ll find new friends during my journey (both an inner and outer journey). This kind of information that you offer is really valueble and now I finally start to realize that I’m not alone being treated like this.Thank you.
@MoteOfDust430
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for all of this. I'm 70 with limited contact. It's like you crawled inside my brain
@scapegoatchildrecovery
Жыл бұрын
well done Susan. and thank you.
@sonorasenora5911
Жыл бұрын
I'm 72 and a lifetime gut full of this shit from all but 2 of my extended family I'm less tolerant the older I get..forgive me Jesus but they can all perpetually kiss my ass
@MoteOfDust430
Жыл бұрын
@@sonorasenora5911 I'm with you. Learning to set boundaries in mid 60's is hard but my budding blissful autonomy is worth it
@JnTmarie
Жыл бұрын
Yes. Thank you for posting this. I’m going through something now_ my father played us against each other. He’s gone now. Lots of gaslighting and bullying, the more I try to discuss and resolve things it got worse. You’re right. I was disregarded. Being pushed out of the family legacy. Trouble showing up but I will get back. Need some healing first. I believe they were jealous and I feel shy to shine. I’m sad. I wish my sister was caring. She just can’t be. I’m sad about it. Holiday is the hardest. I’ve lost family and friends. I would like to connect w others this year. 2023. Time to grow. Best to everyone. Healing and find good loving supportive respectful friends. 💜🙏🏻💗
@SusanaXpeace2u
Жыл бұрын
Yeh, the scapegoat relieves them of the necessity to look at themselves. My mother is so defensive, she cannot receive even the tiniest bit of feedback. Her rosy view of herself *must* be reflected back to her, and my Dad obeys like it's the role of his life. So, When I'm the scapegoat, my mum gets to be right, *always* .. and my weak father gets to be strong as one half of a strong couple. he's not strong on his own though so he has to back up Mum. My brother, I guess he just accepts the status quo. I think he understands now though that I will not be manipulated in to pretending I'm ok with their behaviour.
@YagirlM
10 ай бұрын
This is the exact dynamic in my household. It’s sickening. I truly believe my mother is a demon. Disgusting creature.
@GenerallySmiling
Жыл бұрын
I was the scapegoat. I brought that into my workplace and I could never hold a job because I was always scapegoated. I am thinking that I need to go no contact?? hmm. That is an interesting idea. It is so bad, the scapegoatedness in me that I ALSO became the family scapegoat in my OWN family. Meaning the family I created. So I finally left that one too. And I finally left my narcissist so-called boyfriend earlier this month.
@wisconsinfarmer4742
Жыл бұрын
Trail of tears, but life does keep improving by increments as we learn to honor ourselves.
@Lyrielonwind
Жыл бұрын
In my case; I have to quit the people's pleasing. That's what it gets into trouble. Narcs know when someone is a giver; it shows since we carry the same dynamic that saved our lives but now it turns against us.
@appodemus2937
Жыл бұрын
Thanks for taking the time to post this Mary, it was really helpful. Being a scapegoat has sooooo many negative repercussions and I am glad to see you have rid yourself of the toxic people in your life. I was brought up in a family of five, four of whom were narcissists so guess who was the scapegoat?! It took me 59 years to figure it out after a being diagnosed with cancer. Its funny, I got cancer and my family died! Lol. I am in a much better place 1 year on and rejecting them all. It's been hard, cancer was a walk in the park compared to the emotional pain I endured, but not only did I survive I plan to thrive. We all need to banish narcissist and their poisonous behaviour, and videos like this highlighting their damage all help with the awareness. Go Mary go!!
@katmandu5753
Жыл бұрын
It's a wonderful place to be when you just don't play the game anymore. Curiously though I find when I meet a new narcissist, its like they try to go into that role with me immediately, it's uncanny.
@ad.b9724
Жыл бұрын
Great video from the perspective of someone who clearly has had decades of personal experience .. I had enough after 51 yrs, I cut the cancer of my family out.. parents, siblings.. .the lot. Thanks for the positive message ❤
@carolyngartner6865
Жыл бұрын
Yes I also spend the holidays alone. It is very difficult. All my love to everyone in the same boat. Please do a video about being alone on Christmas day and how to cope.
@1timbarrett
Жыл бұрын
It IS difficult, but think of the financial savings to yourself and the environmental resources you no longer waste!
@jimfloyd3292
Жыл бұрын
It’s Chinese buffet and a movie. You will see others doing it. Also Golden Corrall. Treat yourself to a day of self. Look sharp. Put on some nice clothes and just go it alone. Holidays are a bunch of hype anyway.
@wisconsinfarmer4742
Жыл бұрын
I enjoy the peace and meditation.
@ecm958
3 ай бұрын
It gets easier. What you're missing is what you never had anyway. You are so much better off.
@Marchelette
Жыл бұрын
Thank you 🙏🏾 for this video. I experienced this as a child 👧🏾 growing up. Nobody believed anything I said. People would say, “you’re lying 🤥 your mother wouldn’t do that” or “you must be leaving something out; what did you do?”
@brie1987
6 ай бұрын
The “what did you do to make them treat you like that?” Thing. Better not to tell anyone except another soul who’s been there or God, if you believe in God.
@dawnpokemontrainer
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for another timely video, Mary. Your wisdom, sharing these experiences, clearly articulating the things we can't put our fingers on, it's very appreciated and validating. This makes so much sense. And it reminds me why it's not worth the anxiety or stress that comes with trying yet, again, to be heard by my toxic family members who would rather be vicious than kind. We, as adults, no longer are restricted or need to suffer guilt or shame because of phrases like, "But they are your family. You should forgive them. You should take the high road." ... blah, blah, blah, etc. ad nauseam. If we wouldn't tolerate toxic, crazy making behavior from strangers, we don't have to tolerate it from those who call themselves friends, co-workers, or family members. My mantra, "I no longer reward, normalize, or excuse bad behavior," keeps me from reaching out to people who I know would take great delight in re-starting the cycle of emotional abuse. Thank you for offering hope and optimism that we can find peace and surround ourselves with genuinely loving people. Letting the healing continue.
@scapegoatchildrecovery
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for the lovely feedback Dawn. Love your mantra 👏
@CN-dv9nj
Жыл бұрын
This is what my birther did to create the made up version of me according to her. I was two and a half, she was feeding me her prescrition amphetamines to make me act nuts in church. She would take me out and whip my bottom and give me a lecture about how bad of a demon I am. She'd hit me till I cried tears. She got to show how she would train up her child. She never offered to tell or get me seen by a doctor until my grandmother caught her. I suffered my entire life with her bs. I am tired of it and through have contacted an attorney to at least have a little peace the rest of my life. I am no contact and she still hurts me and reimpacts me. I am DID as a result of her violence. Had lots of therapy oh my.
@1timbarrett
Жыл бұрын
Religious zealots deserve a corner of hell all to themselves.
@CN-dv9nj
Жыл бұрын
@Cj Johnson Thank you. I hesitate telling usually because of how it hurts others feelings just hearing one of her actions.
@ssweeny9415
Жыл бұрын
This is the first of your videos that I have seen, and I am sitting with my morning coffee choking back tears. I can relate so completely to what you say. Thank you for validating my experience.
@wisconsinfarmer4742
Жыл бұрын
Thank you. The initial grieving phase is the beginning of healing.
@cathygoltsoff9615
Жыл бұрын
Scapegoat: Exactly, I could do no right. Then I was a pleaser trying to please my family members. I enjoyed playing the violin and clarinet and also I played chess as a child. I tried to entertain my family as I could impersonate famous people. I was a muse I would also play violin along with a Heifitz recording as if I was accomplished violinist. I would dance, sing and play musical instruments to amuse my family.
@pmw3839
Жыл бұрын
You are clearly very talented. That is something you can fall back on. Not every scapegoat has that.
@paulettebanks3217
Жыл бұрын
Me too! I just became the entertainment
@wisconsinfarmer4742
Жыл бұрын
That was my track too. I became the varsity runner, chess champion etc.... and I never ever retaliated. Eventually they had nothing to go on. It transformed the dynamic. Like you, many of us came into this life for this role. Collectively it is healing humanity. Thank you for your strength, wisdom and foresight.
@margueritespringer3687
Жыл бұрын
You're so eloquent. A remarkable skill you have. We benefit so much from this. Thank you for your clarity.
@scapegoatchildrecovery
Жыл бұрын
Thank you Marguerite 🥰
@cindye8307
Жыл бұрын
Mary, thank God I found you and this video! I have wondered for *years* why my family didn't see the real me. It was like living in the Twilight Zone! I have now subscribed, and will be drinking up your insights and reality like water in the desert! This information is already creating a tipping point for me, especially in terms of self-worth! Thank you! What a blessing!♥️
@scapegoatchildrecovery
Жыл бұрын
You’re very welcome ☺️ 🌺🎉
@MANDYLOLA1
Жыл бұрын
As per, totally accurate. I’m definitely out the other side but now I’m stuck in the stark awareness of this awakening and that then is also relentless. Trying to accept the truth of it and constantly STILL questioning it?! Even though every time I do question it it’s proved right again. Especially about the love bombing! Also my daughter is the golden child in her dynamic with her father. She lives in absolute survival mode of pure selfishness I can see how drained she is walking on eggshells . I can’t help her she won’t come to me. I have to just accept she too needs to wake up! Sadly as we know this can take years. What a life!
@kaystephens2672
Жыл бұрын
What's really tricky is when you see your mom was treated in an odd way. It was like she was stuck between her family of origin and her kids. But there can only be so many excuses.When your parent projected that shame and you spot that, I believe that is how an empath is born.
@cassandrabos2176
Жыл бұрын
This is phenomenal. You have said almost if not completely what happened. I have been trying to put the pieces together. Like the huge 2000 piece puzzle on my puzzle table. At 70 the doors are seemingly opening up. This was confirmation. Imagine this moving into your community, school. Everyday becomes a battle. Thank you for making this video. Also you are right about the gifts and talent. Artist, pianist, photographer, athlete. Never to the level equal to the gift so the gift fades from shame and dysfunction. Imagine a whole race of people, women all suffering from this. Even those rewarded by it. Amazing.
@missjane782
Жыл бұрын
I can relate to so much of this. I completely cut my family out in my mid 30s due to their abusive behaviour following my late husbands sudden passing. They were determined to inflict as much psychological abuse upon me as possible whilst I was at my weakest. In the end the police had to remove them from my house, they were appalled at their behaviour. It was genuinely the last straw and I don’t believe we will have a healthy relationship or even contact at any point in the future. Yes it was tough but 5 years on I have not missed any of their drama and I am moving on building the life I want and focussing on my own growth without their judgment and abuse.
@Rose-zy6vv
11 ай бұрын
When you are a scapegoat and one of your parent dies, it feels like unsettled business. My mom passed when I was 37 and I didn’t get to say goodbye. I feel like I have a huge hole from no closure and no resolution from being the scapegoat my whole life. My dad continued the narrative with my sibling as the golden child and it has been a bumpy road. We have children and my dad has continued the cycle with them. It is sad. The positive is I don’t need validation from others and I am stronger because of this but I have dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life.
@fightswithspirits915
Жыл бұрын
Covert mom created a covert system so subtle that loyalty is unshakable. All I did was ask questions about childhood and got ganged up on instantly. I'm very grateful for this new found knowledge.
@vtpoet5300
11 ай бұрын
Slainte 👍 Edited bit: grew up with a narcissistic sibling. Only just walked away. Still seething with anger. . . But healing. Thank you for this beautiful video. Take care 🙏
@ecm958
3 ай бұрын
So sorry about your anger. I look at my family as no longer living. It helps me to forget them.
@vtpoet5300
3 ай бұрын
@@ecm958 it’s the only way 🤷♂️ Big hug, and have a lovely day 😊
@koziparker
Жыл бұрын
Mary, sending you love. Thank you for speaking in all of this. You are really a breath of fresh air. I’m sorry your family is missing out on your gifts but we are lucky ti have you❤love from California. We black sheep are spread out everywhere
@EveningTV
Жыл бұрын
Narcissists hide behind societal norms, whereas a scapegoat is up against a widely held belief, and as such believing the scapegoat usually asks something of us, whereas most often the narcissist will be aligning himself with what you already believe and not asking you to do anything, especially not think too hard, not worry about this other person, stay asleep.
@greggpatten2165
Жыл бұрын
I watched your video and said to myself "wow, I'm really glad that I watched this". Thanks so much. One thing that really helped me is Shad Helmstetter's book "What to say when you talk to yourself".
@tessthemermaid7742
Жыл бұрын
My sister was the scapegoat, but she was shunned for mental illness. She was shut out later. I was born much later. 13 years. I became the scapegoat/blacksheep later. How does that even happen? Its awful. I'm not even sure what was true about her now. As a scapegoat I carry so much shame.
@scapegoatchildrecovery
Жыл бұрын
Yes roles can flutuate due to the needs of the elders. it's a toxic sick system.
@bjrgstre-mauger5398
10 ай бұрын
❤ Jesus but not religion has helped me. Reading His Words and upside down Kingdom that is built on Love helped me. He loves the broken hearted, the poor on spirit, those crippled by guild and shame like I was. His Love makes me brave because unlike some of my family it is not fickle or shallow. His Love never fails. I hope you don't mind but I will pray for you. Feel free to pray for me also. We that have been scapegoated and are healing have more compassion than most. That's a blessing ❤
@nickydietrich5924
Жыл бұрын
This is everywhere for me though. It's not just my family who I'm now estranged from. It's my workplace. It was my friends, but I've let them all go now. I'm just wondering why can nobody accept me as I am. I have accepted myself. It took a lot of work and I don't let people in if they cant accept my boundaries. It just seems to me my choices are be alone or be abused. I've chosen be alone by the way.
@Datb2
Жыл бұрын
same!!!!!!!!!!!
@ginabeam7307
Жыл бұрын
I can relate!
@ravenel2
11 ай бұрын
It’s heartbreaking, but try to view it as everyone is on different levels and you are leveling up. You let go of everyone who was a low level one and one day you will find the level tens who are out there. Because isn’t that what’s happening? Great people don’t bully.
@artflyer8775
11 ай бұрын
😭I really feel for you
@gordonbennett3213
9 ай бұрын
Its spiritual, these people are just hosts. Satan and his demons need to lower our light, just keep shining bright chosen ones.
@dirkdil8268
Жыл бұрын
Nice to know I'm not walking this path alone. My cerebral attic is full of rubbish but at least I know I can clear that out myself. Thanks for speaking about this.
@rs5570
Жыл бұрын
♥️ You are not alone! 🙏🏻♥️
@christiridley1009
Жыл бұрын
When you stated that the roles in the family fluctuate, this very much resonated with me as I have observed the scapegoat role shift from one of my brothers to me in the last couple of years. I have decided to halt this pattern with my children, and have chosen my husband, children, and friends as my family. Thank you so much for this valuable information. ❤Your wisdom from your personal experience shines through as a bright light.
@kennethjmurphy3364
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for your Encouragement. You give me hope.
@lizstuart8836
Жыл бұрын
Thank you this has been great to hear. I'm on the journey of healing as I'm the scapegoat for my parents & 5 sibblings. Life has been extremely hard but somehow I kept my sanity & steadily growing healthy friendships in my later years. I'm 60 & slowly getting there. These generous free videos have helped guide me to recovery💛
@wisconsinfarmer4742
Жыл бұрын
As you heal, the total anxiety of the earth is a little bit less. I am grateful.
@mtairyherbs
Жыл бұрын
Thank you EVER SO MUCH for those words. I will listen to it over and over and share it with people who want to understand me and my upbringing. I appreciate it so much.
@cohort6099
Жыл бұрын
Listening to you is like you know me ! Its almost text book for me. Jealousy and fear rule my old family household. I dont know where it started but I think it was my mother and the mantle was handed to my older sisters. I have been no contact for 7 years and I dont miss them a bit and everyday I make new relationships and those relationships validate that I am a good and valuable person. So many years it was insinuated that I was a bad egg. May my family of origin fester in their own misery.
@schiffelers3944
Жыл бұрын
As I started to set boundaries for the human interactions we got very used to, not just in the family, also friends, and society - I got isolated. I can't change them, but they influenced me and my healing - Just look around with open eyes to the myth of normal.
@lucygreene6401
Жыл бұрын
And they wonder why your not social
@myobmyob2215
11 ай бұрын
Say it louder please
@jennyme6862
11 ай бұрын
I ended up finding the exact same narcissistic person as a spouse , I later learned it was because they “groomed” me to be obedient, ppl please, self abandon , & since my whole child hood was spent living this way, I thought it was “normal” & just how life was. Until I worked in nursing for 5-6 years, learned patient rights, & was separated from him. I had a break down from shock when it sunk in that I was being tortured in front of everyone, my family was ok with it because they all treated me like this. I’m finically controlled, verbally abused, was physically abused, the last black eye was years ago, everyone gets to go on vacations & trips around the world, I have to stay home, i tried going to school , was on honor roll, they forced me to quit by over working me in every way possible , I’m stuck!!! They control everything. All I can do is “talk back”. 😞😫😭
@User53123
11 ай бұрын
Why are you stuck? Look for a roommate and move out. This sounds like a nightmare, I would live at a homeless shelter before I stayed there.
@ecm958
3 ай бұрын
You need to RUN. Save yourself. The sooner the better. You're better off without that. You're being bullied and manipulated. Get free! ❤
@Michelina22
2 ай бұрын
Great job breaking this down, I’m the scapegoat and I’m so depressed about it however I do have great friends who really know me and it really helps to heal but I feel like I don’t have a mother or a brother 😢
@DevonExplorer
Жыл бұрын
This unexpectedly came up in my recommendations. It was obviously meant for me, lol, as although I've come to terms with what happened and I've read and watched lots of information in the past, I just had an unfortunate experience this afternoon which brought it all back. Thank you Mary, your talk was exceptionally kind and thoughtful. I had a cry, which did me some good, now I can stand up to those that would try and bully me...again! Onwards and upwards. :)
@Mourning_Dove
Жыл бұрын
Mary, very good video...you were right on target! I had to leave my family at 24. The family unit was so terribly toxic. I spent years and years in therapy and by God's healing and helping me to make healthier choices for myself I was able to develop into someone I like to be. I still feel that I am my own best friend and do a lot of things alone. Self-care is an ongoing thing for me, but I am seeing the improvement as the years go by. Resilient is a word that I like and good boundaries.... yes! What you mentioned about shame is very true. I don't think I ever found a therapist that could truly address shame nor understand it.
@CoolCat6425
Жыл бұрын
Thankyou, it's means so much just to know that someone else understands what a high level of challenges I've had to get through quietly while being targeted by my father previously and now my siblings. Thankyou x
@dnk4559
Жыл бұрын
Same here. Narcissistic father has passed now and my siblings haven’t missed a beat in taking his place.
@CoolCat6425
Жыл бұрын
@@dnk4559 I know what you must be feeling and our hurt makes them feel superior, that's what hurts the most, how can these people be from the same family. Just remember, we're the lucky ones who have all the love and peace inside us and I wouldn't give it up in a heartbeat. We are happy and contented with who we are where they obviously are not. Stay comfortable in your skin and try to forgive them so you don't get sick, I avoid mine wherever possible and just am polite and formal when I have to see them due to constant sabotage we can't give them to much of ourselves. Respect must be earnt 😘 Respect yourself
@dnk4559
Жыл бұрын
@@CoolCat6425 thank you! This is so validating. My father told me that I was “different” than his other two and that they were more like him. I see now what a blessing it is to be different! Wishing you all the best!
@CoolCat6425
Жыл бұрын
@@dnk4559 ❤
@LisaSmith-yb2uz
Жыл бұрын
This is one of the most concise, understanding, patient, warm-hearted insights into what living with our imposed role is truly like 🙏☺️💓 thank you for your thoughtfulness and apparent insight ✨❤
@jonbonjovi6017
Жыл бұрын
This is the best video I’ve seen so far on this subject. Thank you.
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