That's the best attitude. Take this video personally so you don't take everything else personally
@MenisXTO
4 ай бұрын
*_Don’t_*
@JoePAcalaughs
4 ай бұрын
Stop it! 😂
@gamerprime3912
4 ай бұрын
This guy's got jokes
@MadonnaGrogan
4 ай бұрын
Me too 🤭
@papucsallatka7527
4 ай бұрын
"You Need To Stop Taking Things Personally" And I took that personally.
@mqosu
4 ай бұрын
*proceeds to drop 60 points on the Celtics the night after*
@kennynelson3189
4 ай бұрын
“I was like ‘okay…’ that’s really when it got personal with me.”
@legzfalloffgirl5148
4 ай бұрын
I'm taking your comment personally 😂
@TheRedValue
4 ай бұрын
I was about to say the same exact thing 🤣
@tabby842
4 ай бұрын
that's kind of the concerning thing about all this, is that there were people like Michael Jordan who were immensely insecure but used it as motivation
@xKumei
4 ай бұрын
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
@munkeefinkelbeen5395
4 ай бұрын
Me telling a friend this actually ended our friendship (was the last straw on my end). She blew TF up after I sent that to her because I had hoped it would give some solace in a difficult moment, and boy did I make the wrong assumption 😅
@joshuabuchanan1141
4 ай бұрын
You don't need to listen that to bs sentence
@joelRmontfort
4 ай бұрын
What is this, an AA meeting? 😂
@xKumei
4 ай бұрын
@@joelRmontfort HG shares some similar principles sometimes so....kinda 😂
@dhay3982
4 ай бұрын
You don't know the line. Might as well try anyway.
@amarok5048
4 ай бұрын
When I stopped drinking five years ago, 90% of my problems disappeared. My happiness and friendships have increased exponentially.
@malachitestorm
4 ай бұрын
great!! happy for you, friend
@igoresque
4 ай бұрын
I should start drinking then, cause I've got nothing like that to lose.
@blairdurward4324
4 ай бұрын
I wish I had something so singular to work on, but very happy for you, keep doing good
@smtandearthboundsuck8400
4 ай бұрын
And I have these problems without drinking
@mor9n243
4 ай бұрын
Cope your life only improved a bit
@loganblackwood2922
4 ай бұрын
I stopped taking things personally at around 25, when I realised whatever I said in earnest was intentionally distorted and misconstrued by people motivated to have me painted a certain way in the eyes of others. At that point I realised there was no point trying to have people see you positively who work extra hard to justify disliking you.
@yurisei6732
4 ай бұрын
Yeah but it's still really annoying that so many people try so hard to cast other people as villains. You stop taking things personally, but end up pretty misanthropic.
@nicky592
4 ай бұрын
@@yurisei6732i agree, thats one of the things I've been trying to figure out how to remedy in my own life. I'd say acceptance that people will do so is the strat, but its not the easiest to accept perceived injustice.
@eightsprites
4 ай бұрын
I didn’t figured that out until much later.
@Stickmantoon
4 ай бұрын
the thing is, I don't believe most people intentionnaly distort other people's responses. I think it has more to do with people not being self aware of their own behavior and responses to certain things. Because thinking that people do this intentionnaly is pretty much bringing it back to taking it personally.
@loganblackwood2922
4 ай бұрын
@@Stickmantoon It is a fine line. But the more people emote at you as they supposedly "reason" and "debate" the more you can tell, they're motivated to make it personal, because they see descent to your world view as personal.
@depresso___espresso
4 ай бұрын
I need to re-learn this because my mantra of 'dont take things personally' also led me to keep a lot of mean spirited ppl in my life, who, funny enough, used the excuse of "dont take things personally" to justify their behavior. Because of this, it's muddled the lines for me
@SpasticJ0K3R
4 ай бұрын
absolutely. the kinds of people who's 'sense of humor' is just making fun of people and poking at insecurities until somebody calls them out then its 'don't take it personally its just a joke'. jokes make people laugh, they don't belittle people and talk down to them. Even if its going for a roast its supposed to be something most of the people involved are comfortable laughing at. just remember real friends care if what they say is hurting or upsetting you and want to avoid that when possible.
@depresso___espresso
4 ай бұрын
@@SpasticJ0K3R Damn, you're absolutely right because I realized I never cracked a joke where it concerned someone's insecurity or something where I knew they felt uncomfortable about. Sometimes I wish I would, but I just can't willingly bring myself to hurt someone like that. Anyway, thanks for your insight, kind stranger.
@grindsauce3017
4 ай бұрын
@@SpasticJ0K3R Some people just can't take a racial jokes. Generation of snowflakes this lot.
@hellequinm
4 ай бұрын
Boundaries. Not taking things personally doesn't equals to not having boundaries. Maybe that's a reason you think it's muddled?
@depresso___espresso
4 ай бұрын
@@grindsauce3017 I never referred to racial jokes specifically. The social examples I was referring to were things like if you know someone’s struggling with a weight problem one makes a joke about it. Or if someone opens up about a bad break up and they start to say off hand shit later.
@HungerSTR1KE
3 ай бұрын
Oh, gosh. Once I dated a guy who literally told me, "It's not you, it's me." I asked him to explain. He said: He was a criminal on charges and the only reason he started dating via apps was to teach his girlfriend a lesson for not being enough for him. So he went on a date with me as a punishment to his girlfriend, and then he just told me. I couldn't even believe it. But later that year I checked the circuit court record and sure enough he went to jail for theft. He told me to my face, "I'm not a good person. You shouldn't trust me." Sometimes people tell the truth. Listen to them!
@N1ghtb1ood
2 ай бұрын
@@HungerSTR1KE At least he was honest 💀
@twistedmetal56
2 ай бұрын
Honest thief lol
@jathanthmith1519
Ай бұрын
@@twistedmetal56 let's try to be nice supportive and understanding
@jungletroll3844
4 ай бұрын
makes a lot of sense to me. Taking responsibility makes you feel like you can do something about your situation while simultaneously improving yourself and your life
@chichchichovsky118
4 ай бұрын
And in the video it is emphasized that the first thing that you need to do is to see your problems from the outside perspective, to separate it from your identity\personality to make it actually solvable. Then you can take the responsibility, because you can actually do something about the problem: work on your skills, behavior, mentality etc.
@NickGreiner1988
4 ай бұрын
We reacher for an outside point of view But it's out of touch with me and you I feel I'm walking into suicide And you'll be right there by my side To beam my message into space As I die
@paulv2348
4 ай бұрын
@@NickGreiner1988 it's different. You seem in pain from the situation. What helped me in this situation is: at one point, you were fine before. Then a situation happened and it hurt. Shame, embarrassment, whatever you feel is taking over and you have pain. But think about how you were before the situation. You were not in pain. Focus on that. Then everyday, it's gonna get better. Focus on taking care of yourself. Make yourself food, etc. Treat yourself like you would be treating a loved one that depends on you and need love and attention. Once you feel better, make actions to become a better yourself. For me for instance, I feel satisfied with my life overall. So I'm learning a new language. It will open a world to me: meet new people, new culture, songs, books, and ideas for travel. But it could be going to the gym, starting a new way to cook, whatever you want to feel you're gonna be a better yourself. Because that's how you're gonna make it
@SpitGoblin
4 ай бұрын
i think the issue a lot of us have with "don't take it personal" is that people tend to not feel validated in their feelings and that obviously stems from SO much more than the situation that was taken personally. it's sooo difficult but the ultimate truth is that once you truly start to heal you DONT take things personally! it just takes time and work.. a lot of hard, personal, difficult work!
@marissahicks3529
4 ай бұрын
This really gives me something to reflect on and research about when I get bored at work. Thank you!
@TheSaintBigFoot
4 ай бұрын
We need to take OURSELVES seriously
@orangeeeeeee
Ай бұрын
@@TheSaintBigFoot That's the hard part, I can't even take myself seriously..
@Kurayamiblack
4 ай бұрын
So a big part of what I'm hearing is "Stop identifying as your behaviors so you can start changing them" 🤔
@sumeet.
4 ай бұрын
More so when you do identify with them, step back, see what brought that thought upon you and figure out a plan of action which you will work on the inner thoughts that connect to the trigger/bad habit
@sumeet.
4 ай бұрын
Example would easily be like getting triggered that someone isn't replying to you as fast as you wanted, now you're thinking they're with someone else or doing something sneaky. Now step back and see why you would think that, don't identify with it, and even if you do, try to separate yourself from it with questions like, "where did these thoughts come from? Did they happen to come up because I am just taking this personally or am I assuming the worst?" And say you are taking it personally or assuming the worse, now you know. From then you look more inner and see what deficiency's are making you think that. Are you not getting enough reassurance that you may need? Maybe your s/o is busy and now you're getting overthinking thoughts from being not as busy.
@tommychappell6359
4 ай бұрын
Everything you feel say and do is a reflection of you. Stop blaming other individual for how you internally feel. How it nudging own emotions (that were there to begin with. How you take something is a personal decision. You could see it as mishap and give benefit of doubt and learn reasoning behind it or could judge and not find out the reasons for thing happening.
@trappart9209
4 ай бұрын
Good take 👍
@tommychappell6359
4 ай бұрын
@@iammotanz I agree.
@hummingbird1375
4 ай бұрын
Would it be too far-fetched to say that people who take things personally most probably have a past of people attacking their identity when they made mistakes? I think it also has a lot to do with shame. If you have a shame identity, every criticism feels personal, like a confirmation that you are bad, worthless person. I have been degraded and called childish by my mother a lot of times because I didn't do something. To give a specific example, my mother used to yell at me frequently for not keeping my bedroom tidy. She would say things like "You are such a child, you're acting like a 5-year old. Aren't you ashamed? A normal x-year old would clean their room." Now every time she simply says "Go clean your room", what I hear is all the things above. Because in a way I know that this is what she believes about me. And then I get triggered and refuse to do what she wants.
@GreyException
4 ай бұрын
Maybe. I got into a lot of extreme verbal disputes with my mom (single parent) and she definitely used humiliation or shame. But I stopped taking things as personally when I hit my 20s. It took a lot of time to realize my own character flaws, and also that I always knew people/myself are still primitive animals. We get caught up in our own suffering, almost like we are the spotlight of our own movie. We may be sensitive to our feelings, but such sensitivity is draining and leads to insensitivity/lack of perspective towards other people's lives and daily struggles. Also, reading a lot of comments online, I see a common string among most of us. We tend to pay most attention to the issues that affect us, and there is an addictive quality to having our sufferings validated. It sort of frames my feeling of "why me" into a "oh right, other people face their own struggles".
@Aywusgod
4 ай бұрын
I can relate a lot to your theory at the very least. I'm fairly sure I grew up with ADHD and I made a lot of mistakes/errors doing various things and people would laugh and point them out in a negative manner.
@instantpug7036
4 ай бұрын
Yes, thank you. This was focused very much on narcissists. Not people who were actually shamed as children or teens for being incapable of doing certain things as part of their identity. I have a bad memory (because of year-long insomnia and trauma) and my partner always gets upset when I don’t remember vocabulary in our target language that we are studying together. I have accepted not moving forward as quickly because of said issues, but he can‘t, and he always has to get emotional about it or remind me "we've learned this before". He can absolutely say that, but be nice about it. He never is. I'd have to become an insanely strong person to not take this personally on a daily basis, on top of all the other things I have to already accept.
@sergnio
4 ай бұрын
I relate a ton to this
@lfleia
4 ай бұрын
Doesn't it let you ask yourself the question though "Are THEY wrong? Is their assumption of my character something I need to be concerned about? Is my taking this personally a trauma response, and if so, where is that coming from?" My mother still critiques my clothing even though I'm almost 40, she's always been highly critical and is the main voice I used to hear regarding my inner critic. But now as an adult, going through trauma therapy, I can separate myself and hear her going on and on about something, and instead of it raising my anxiety levels and wondering what she says or thinks about me, I can hear myself saying 'she has NO empathy for the people she's judging.' Ask yourself if your mother's insistence on everything being clean and tidy is actually even making her happy. You're not adding to her unhappiness by being untidy, she would just find something else to be unhappy about. How she's acting about your tidiness is a reflection on her, not you. You can choose if there are actually things that need to change.
@mickdavies5647
4 ай бұрын
I think a big problem today is that the vast majority of people won't speak up when they think there is a problem because they want to 'be nice'. There are also a lot of gaslighters who will say whatever gets them what they want. So people grow up with neither a sufficiently callibrated compass of how they should be or an understanding of how to find people that can set them straight. Coaches can help, but there is an issue, in that many (not all and I'm not referrimg to any particular company either) of them will either (intentionally or not) say whatever is neccessary to keep their clients payimg them. Its just human nature to act in a way to follow the incentive structure
@marissahicks3529
4 ай бұрын
This explains SO much of what I went through. Ages 7-9 I experienced childhood trauma related to me being punished for lashing out for my parents for favoring my sister over me. I don’t know if I even knew how to communicate my needs back then. Ages 13-17 I was exactly how you described. Thanks for helping me understand a forgotten part of me ;)
@mickdavies5647
4 ай бұрын
@@marissahicks3529 I'm sorry to hear that you went through this. It really sucks when someone is at a time when they most need good direction and it is withheld. Or worse, they are deliberately set down the wrong path. It sounds like you may have gotten through it now though. Great to hear!
@nalijapetek6271
4 ай бұрын
Or they know that they will be belittled or the other person will get hurt or they are so mentally exhausted that they have no energy to speak up and get in a quarrel over it or that they are gonna get yelled at. So they do the math and realised that it is better to zone out or distance themselves rather than speaking up.
@mickdavies5647
4 ай бұрын
@nalijapetek6271 absolutely. It's perfectly possible, if not extremely likely, that people who take things personally will intermingle with each other and so create a destructive cycle of non-cooperation
@MiamiChica
4 ай бұрын
I’m tired of people acting like they’re nice in front of people, then defaming others behind their back. People should be taught how to have conversations to understand one another instead of wearing a mask and being angry all the time.
@azryasyrani5178
4 ай бұрын
Does makes sense to me. Alot of the time I feel like "I'm annoying my friends", "I'm a bother for always being negative", "I shouldn't be hanging out with them right now cause my head space isn't at the right place" despite them always trying to get me out. I was scared to be vulnerable but one day I took a step and told my friends how I felt, and they were really kind to me. Then I started opening up to my family and they were kind too. To my aunt's and cousins and then to friends and old friends. I just took the first step and be vulnerable. It turns out most people like to listen, and are kinder than you think. So I was projecting this image of them antagonising me for my success and failures, which wasn't fair at all because knowing them all, I knew they weren't like that. But in addition, if you have someone who does antagonise you after you told them how you're doing and feeling. Maybe they weren't your friends/family all along and just cut them off. Thats what I did. That's what healed me and made me look forward in life
@Maxtor-ve5nu
3 ай бұрын
This is the answer
@dead_nn5293
4 ай бұрын
One of the best and most important things I've seen on the internet. It's strange that most people who struggle with that are the most empathetic people I know, and yet it's a narcissistic mechanism. For me it's bizzare and i will also use it for myself
@christinegivens9048
4 ай бұрын
Was thinking the same. Maybe learned behaviour from a narcissist? I feel like I had to defend every move I made growing up in a high demand high control Christian home. Ugh. Religion seems to mess up so many ppl. 😩
@prospero2405
4 ай бұрын
I think it happens because your desire to be a good/better person is tied to your identity, so if you fail at something it feels like a threat to who you are. I have seen very good people recoil when someone tells them they are doing something wrong and then get defensive about it instead of, you know, listening and see if it's worth changing.
@syndra7757
4 ай бұрын
@@prospero2405 this is pretty good insight, I take things very personally when I believe that other people see me in a negative light, especially when I do something that causes other people to criticize me, but I think this stems from my ego--that being the inflated importance of my perception of 'self', which causes me to belittle myself when I 'fail' and everything becomes my fault and I'm a terrible person. Of course, this is a terrible pattern of behavior that I'm working on. I wonder if someone else can relate
@Giffandaman
4 ай бұрын
@@syndra7757 I can relate your not alone. All we can do is practice not taking things personal but just say you know what maybe I should correct this behavior
@nalijapetek6271
4 ай бұрын
Especially when people say that you (not your action) hurt them by doing something.
@aawillma
4 ай бұрын
This is such an important topic with respect to rejection. Most people who take rejection personally are not narcissists, but the act of taking rejection personally IS, in fact, a narcissistic response.
@yu_kon9393
4 ай бұрын
Well if someone rejected you, this is between you and them. That is literally personally
@lowtech42
4 ай бұрын
This is where we have to be mindful of our language on this topic, because I do agree with your overall point however it would be more accurate to label it, if anything, an ego response because a narcissist can't be reduced to one single behavior in isolation (especially a very common one like taking a rejection personally). a diagnosed narcissist is someone who exhibits multiple egotistical behaviors which are often extreme. when you are ego-maxxing it is narcissism (even according to Dr K's definition) but at a minimum everyone has some ego behavior. it's about the quality and severity of a constellation of things, rather than one thing.
@tiagow95
4 ай бұрын
@yu_kon9393 from the rejection, you can take that: 1. You're bad and unwantable by other people 2. You're casting these x and y negative characteristics, which can be improved 3. The other person is not interested due to their own factors, or to something else not related to you 2 and 3 are not taking it personally, 1 is.
@BlueMoonlight777
4 ай бұрын
You're right. I have to read this multiple times so my brain can internalize it and stop making everything bad about me😅
@Nicole-vx9ep
4 ай бұрын
@tiagow95 thank you for this comment. Impacted me big and im using it to improve and better myself ♡
@SteveAustin-h1w
4 ай бұрын
This is very helpful. I haven't heard people identify me as a narcissist, but it is often pointed out that I get defensive too easily. I have come to realize how much of my behavior and thinking has been shaped by wanting 'others to like me' . Looking through the eyes of others helps, but now I understand to take myself out of the picture and see the issues and behaviors. THANK YOU for the insight.
@yu_kon9393
4 ай бұрын
You can't see through eyes of others that is truly egotistic thing to say
@SynergySource
4 ай бұрын
@@yu_kon9393 11:25 at least watch the video you're trolling on so you can properly attempt to drag someone down to whatever depths you feel yourself to be in, so weird
@jacobw.6744
4 ай бұрын
@@SynergySource Well you can't speak to someone else's internal experience. You both literally and figuratively cannot see through the eyes of someone else. You can guess, you can interpret, you can project, but to assume you "know" what someone else is thinking or feeling is extremely egotistical and dangerous. It's a central tenant of a handful of types of therapy. I know it's big in DBT, for example.
@SynergySource
4 ай бұрын
@@jacobw.6744 appreciate your nuanced perspective, but I'm just checking this dude who's trying to morally grandstand and make someone else feel bad because they feel bad about themselves, who I'm responding to clearly did not watch the video and are just here to be a combative brat, check their other comments
@jacobw.6744
4 ай бұрын
@@SynergySource Ah, I didn't see their other comments. I get your point. I guess I will HOPE that they were being more nuanced and understand than they let on. It's an interesting topic, "walking in someone's shoes", just because it's a fine line between empathy and projection. At least in my experience. Regardless of the other commenter, I figured it appropriate to voice my take. Hopefully it came off as respectful.
@c_rem6101
4 ай бұрын
One of my friends said it best when i asked him for advice while i was struggling in a problem in my previous relationship "You're not fighting each other, you're fighting the problem"
@Zeepjeliefs
4 ай бұрын
Wow that's really good advice to share, wise friend🌸
@5thgrdrz
4 ай бұрын
as someone who takes things personally this makes so much sense and makes me feel better. when people tell me things i'm doing wrong i think there's something wrong with me or that people don't like me, and i always feel so helpless because i don't know how i can change myself and pretend not to be anxious and depressed. but choosing observable behaviors that are fixable makes it feel like there's actually a solution. it's not "i'm too anxious and miserable" but "i should work on talking and smiling more". dr K is out here changing worldviews once again
@bigbadlara5304
4 ай бұрын
The fact you are uploading this now. When I'm struggling immensely with a situation regarding exactly this topic proves karma is real😂. This is not the first time. Really timing is uncanny. Thank you healthy gamer.
@mckenziejohnson1520
4 ай бұрын
Me too, dude.
@BeautyMarkRush
4 ай бұрын
"This is not the first time" That sounds really worrysome lol. Little do you know dr. K is actually spying on you
@trevorbacon1280
4 ай бұрын
algorithms know you better than you do
@Nomatterwhat69
4 ай бұрын
Yall are taking this video personally
@OFFICIALdreamwalker
4 ай бұрын
it's insane how uncanny the timing can be, ill have thought of it the day before if not same day and boom
@purplc6824
4 ай бұрын
I definitely see this behavior in myself, im diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar and i sometimes act really impulsive and i realize i did something wrong but always like 2 minutes later. I often get mad at myself for failing to control my actions in emotional moments and its really shamefull, its a real pain in the chest, and if someone points that behaviour out i feel exposed and then i feel even more angry because i just got validation to be angry at myself. I often feel like i judge myself 24/7 because i fail again and again to controll myself, this leads to low self esteem and when someone points it out i know they are right but i just get overwhelmed with anxiety and get even more emotional its a constant loop.
@orangeeeeeee
Ай бұрын
Yeah same here, it's so tiresome... I don't think I have bipolar though. But it probably stems from autism other mental health problems and past trauma for me, which in turn has lead to low self esteem. It really sucks... Although it has gotten better over the years it still clearly lingers... The overwhelment especially is so annoying, I don't think I can even count on one hand how many mental breakdowns I've had.. The funny part is I sometimes get completely delusional and think everything is fine and nothing of it happened. Although it did. I still can't accept it I guess... Best wishes to you. Hopefully you find peace of mind.
@hummingbird1375
4 ай бұрын
I think we as a society should start separating our actions from our identity. There are so many underlying mechanisms happening within us that influence how we feel and act, a lot of them unconscious, and we can't blame ourselves or define ourselves based on these things. All we can do is take responsibility, acknowledge the consequences of our actions and try to do better.
@jacobw.6744
4 ай бұрын
What am I if not a sum of my actions and thoughts? The things I do are part of who I am. A major part. Maybe not all of it, but to detach myself from my actions leaves me ungrounded from the world around me.
@treeforged9097
4 ай бұрын
Why would someone have to take responsibility for something that is not them? If I am not my actions then why would I ever take responsibility for them? How can I do better when I did not do anything in the first place?
@hummingbird1375
4 ай бұрын
@@treeforged9097 You are responsible for your actions because you committed them. But those actions don't need to be forever your identity. You can always change and improve. Many people stay stuck on their past actions and because of shame don't believe that they can ever change. They think who they are is fixed.
@hummingbird1375
4 ай бұрын
@@jacobw.6744 I think to some extent we are the sum of our actions and beliefs. What I meant is that our actions and beliefs always have a reason (our bodies have a reason to feel, think and behave a certain way), although they are not always justifiable. As people on the outside, we tend to make judgements about a person based on their actions, but those judgements aren't always accurate. To give an example, a bully might be called hateful, malicious and sadistic by other people. But the reality is much more complex. Maybe their parents beat them and so the bully thinks it's normal and right to beat others when they annoy you, or maybe the bully is afraid of being bullied themselves so they choose to be the bully instead, etc. There are many cognitive, biological, or emotional mechanisms within us that influence our behaviour, that we don't even understand ourselves, that we aren't always aware of. So my philosophy is that we cannot blame people for their actions but we can judge their actions separate from the person. Actions on their own still have consequences and so we still need to set boundaries. And we should try to make people understand their mistakes so that they can take responsibility for their actions but without blaming themselves, without making it their identity. And then they can try to change their behaviour.
@jay-uu9vj
3 ай бұрын
@@hummingbird1375 im with you on the philosophical mindset. this dr k video is one of the few ones i disagree with and even cried from the frustration and have been reading the comments section trying to understand everyones perspectives for a while now because yes i DO care too much more than the average person. cried BC even after even distancing my emotional reaction in a confrontation, taking an initial step back, in order to go above and beyond to give an open space where im not judging them to a core, and WANT to neutrally have direct communication and understanding, only for those types of people to STILL never get it because they see me bringing up what i thought was a boundary in the first place as me CAUSING PROBLEMS, and reducing it to BEING SENSITIVE. after all that im left feeling shut down BECAUSE that was the act of me putting my heart on my sleeve to look past their ignorance and try to have a positive impact. ive concluded that most people ARE just stuck in their pride, and my feelings of dysphoria come from me being insufficient in make them a step closer to self awareness or empathy. feel like i cant win. i get that at that point its just a situation where nothing can be done, and fuck me for looking in the wrong place for a meaningful connection. but its just to the core of my emotions being fixated on it, hard to emotionally not feel backed into a corner regardless if i objectively know and tell myself that i HAD valid reasoning, and that i DO (and everyone) have inherent value. i did see and resonate with ur other comment on not even having ownership of your own feelings because ive grown up in a lack of being truly understood. im just confused i thought the part of allowing them to be vulnerable too WAS the 'taking responsibility' but when thats still somehow a problem idk what to do anymore what am i doing wrong., i dont think my nature to wanna get to the bottom of things is something i need to change about myself (which is where i disagree with dr k, some people are just cunts.) love to you if you even care to read/comprehend this. i just want universal shame and ignorance to end. we are all vulnerable, peoples unwillingness to be selfaware and not bash is what makes me jaded and deeply irked.
@theguy9067
4 ай бұрын
On the subject of of internalizing "youre not emotionally available". If you hear that once, maybe you won't take it personally but if you hear it enough times and you don't really know exactly what that means, it's hard not to take it personally. Or worse, if you get rejected a lot the you never really get specific feedback but get things like "no spark" etc. The first time, okay, but the tenth time starts to effect you. It's a lot easier not to take rejection personally if you have a lot of options and you know that not everyone will reject you. But when it becomes a pattern and you can't figure out what is wrong with you... Yes, if you're not getting hurt, you're not human. You're simplifying this into a single one time event when it's likely the reason people take things personally is within the context of upbringing and past experiences that have negative emotional anchors
@user-ex5pg3oy9c
4 ай бұрын
"No spark" means the person is wrong for you, so the corrective behavior can start now
@dreaejrns6281
4 ай бұрын
wanting to send this to my dad, not wanting to deal with him feeling guilty over it and being like "I'm sorry this is just who I am"
@reboooot
4 ай бұрын
I know people who are narcissistic in the way they present socially, but the way they problem solve is incredibly authentic and to reach those levels of problem solving, you have to check your ego and recognize what you need to improve at. What does that even mean? I wish I could just ask this dude question for hours lmao
@Sammysapphira
4 ай бұрын
Then they're not narcissistic.
@yurisei6732
4 ай бұрын
It means that you should try to think less in terms of pathologies and more in terms of individuals. Ironically, as we've become more individualistic as a society, it seems like we've become more willing to replace individuality with categories and labels that allow us to think of people as archetypes instead of as people. In the DSM, there is the label "narcissist", but in the real world there's no such thing as "a narcissist", there are only narcissistic behaviours and people who exhibit them in certain situations.
@hellequinm
4 ай бұрын
Someone's personality it's like a spectrum. Everyone will show various levels of each trait, even narcissistic traits, this doesn't make them a narcissist. That's the real problem here, people are trying to measure the sea with a school ruler.
@killerb255
4 ай бұрын
Narcissism is on a spectrum. Everyone is narcissistic to some degree. The word literally means "love for oneself." It becomes a problem if you go into the extreme ends of narcissism. The DSM criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder describes this end.
@G4RYWithaFour
4 ай бұрын
They base their image on their results and are action-oriented in their emotional regulation. They have a lot of incentive to be better in areas they value, decency to others isnt included in that as they see themselves as having put in the work to be better than others, therefore "owing" them less.
@just_another_ape
4 ай бұрын
This one makes a lot of sense. Since others necessarily can only perceive your behavior, any conflict must be rooted in that. There is a lot of responsibility required in separating identity from behavior. Suddenly, everything is a “skill issue”. It also removes a lot of the room for intellectualization and overthinking - there is no hidden deep insight needed to transform your “wicked core”. Instead, you are actually fine, or “just as messed up as everyone else”, and the work lies in changing the behavior. It’s going to feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable and even inauthentic. One may wonder, would this be “fake”? Well, how do you determine your current behavior to be “real”? Probably due to familiarity. Not some magic mystical authenticity. All in all, great video 😊
@treeforged9097
4 ай бұрын
If identity and behavior are different and other people "necessarily only perceive your behavior" then nobody could ever like or dislike you, because they can never perceive you. You have just defined out of existence the possibility that anyone could ever like you. What is a "skill issue". Identity, behavior, skill, it just sounds like your using different words for the same concept and pretending like all three words are different. How can this make sense to you? You are creating "hidden deep insights" not removing them. how do you know what criticism of your behavior or valid or not? Is it some kind of magic mystical authenticity? If someone criticizes you for being to nice are you just going to instinctively stop being nice to people because someone else said so? Or do you actually have an identity that is based off of your behavior and the entire comment you just made was some intellectualized, overthinking nonsense.
@zodaxtron_0005
Ай бұрын
I just realized today. That I should let someone go, if they need space. Trust them to come back, and trust myself if I feel like I don't want them around. Letting go, and losing control of them, felt like the most liberating thing to me. Thanks Dr K for another bulb moment.
@HaikesXO
4 ай бұрын
At 31 years old, this has only begun to make sense to me the past couple years. I spent my 20s constantly taking any advice or recommendations from my partners as criticism. Extremely defensive about everything. Mainly out of fear of being inadequate. The issues really become worse when you realize shortly after how you were acting and then expect the other person to embrace you as this loving person when you were just a complete asshole. Idk if it makes sense but this video really provides a lot of knowledge
@elijahaa
4 ай бұрын
You arent alone man. Im sure this is a big reason ive been single my whole life and the one relationship i did find was a mess for what i am assuming is this reason. I never quite understood what women ment when they called me sensitive. I thought it was an attack on my masculinity and calling me soft but this video makes it make sense.
@Ghostfaceluv
4 ай бұрын
I did this and it screwed up my relationship with my family members. I feel so bad for them because of what i did in the past. They say its ok they forgive me they were waiting for me to mature im 14 and i realized im not narcissistic i just picked up narcissistic traits from my mom and bullies as a defensive mechanism. And now i realize that it wasnt me it was my actions and i feel like my family doesnt truly forgive me
@Ghostfaceluv
4 ай бұрын
And now i cant seem to feel any empathy for myself because i realized my empathy for myself is what fucked things up
@prowess2121
4 ай бұрын
Honestly one of the most important videos most people need to see; narcissism has placed large amounts of burden on me that I have yet to overcome completely. I grew up being exposed to a narcissistic father where time gradually taught me how to not be like him. His behaviours never really resonated with me, but it's difficult to become aware or have a sense of control as a child to not be influenced in some way. Instead of trying to fully understand what's going on, I would neglect any responsibility of myself and escape reality for many, many years; fears of failure and not meeting my own or others' expectations because I saw myself as the core problem. The detachment of problems to your identity was key to never justify my own or any mistakes in particular to be uncorrectable. Things do get better, but it honestly takes a lot of time to reverse such impacts from your childhood. I hope all of you can learn something to correct, or avoid partaking in this path of misery as my decades of life experiences has been constricted to almost nothing.
@me0101001000
4 ай бұрын
I come from a culture where criticism is the highest form of care. If you care enough to say something, I'll take the time to analyze the statement and act on it in a manner which is beneficial to me. Even if it is in bad faith, it can still be used for the better. There is always room for improvement. Even if the criticism comes from an unqualified individual, it can still be valuable.
@monkiesbanana321
4 ай бұрын
Interesting, what area of this world is this culture from?
@oakuvalentine7734
4 ай бұрын
Id like to know aswell
@me0101001000
4 ай бұрын
@@monkiesbanana321 mine specifically is Northwest Indian. Where my family comes from, it's considered standard to seek mastery in whatever you do. But you aren't meant to conflate your identity with your trades/crafts. Almost everyone has some kind of art form that they practice alongside their career, usually linked to music, dance, acting, or maybe visual art. Everyone is seeking mastery in some way, shape, or form. On a more extreme note, if you aren't classically trained, you aren't allowed to have an opinion. So if a non-practitioner makes a comment, it is usually discarded immediately, unless there is some substance to the statement. But besides the culture I grew up with, I grew up alongside lots of Southern Chinese, who grew up with an incredibly similar environment, down to the artistry and separation of identity and trade/craft. There, too, you see the idea of not being allowed to even have an opinion if you aren't trained. I don't agree with that idea, since art is ultimately subjective, but it's a paradigm that has its purpose in the pursuit of classical mastery.
@me0101001000
4 ай бұрын
@@oakuvalentine7734 answered.
@eline7214
17 күн бұрын
@@me0101001000 man that sounds nice
@Phoenixofanguish
4 ай бұрын
This is one of the main pillars of "The Four Agreements" wisdom book I've read a few times! A thing I've noticed is in the workplace. Managers don't want to take responsibility for their poor leadership and when you express whats wrong they throw it under the rug, restructure the route in such a way that you either sacrifice quality at work(which would result in disciplinary action) or time at home with the family. Ultimately constricting a dismissal so you will see yourself out and not cause any more problems. Happened with at least two coworkers in my same position of account managing.
@DanielDogeanu
4 ай бұрын
I have heard this so many times, but no one explains HOW to not stop taking things personally! You're right, this is a light-bulb moment! Thank you explaining this!
@das_evoli
4 ай бұрын
a very important video for me. I was diagnosed with avpd (Avoidant Personality Disorder) and this is one of the main symptoms. I hate this disorder because I can't find a lot about it compared to other disorders. And the community is also rather small. Literally no one in my area knows what it even is.
@Em91s
4 ай бұрын
I hope you find your people. big hug
@killerb255
4 ай бұрын
@das_evoli The reason for the lack of info may have to do with the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the grease." The Cluster B Personality Disorders (Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and to a lesser degree Histrionic) tend to cause more problems for others than the other six. Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder can be a problem in society if that person is in a position of power or authority. Dependent Personality Disorder can be a problem for caregivers. Paranoid PD can be a problem if that person reacts to their paranoia with aggression or violence. Schizotypal PD can be a prelude to schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders. So that pretty much leaves Schizoid and Avoidant. Both PDs lead to people that are more passive and tend not to cause too many social problems for others. Of course this is for different reasons (Schizoid is indifferent to social interactions while Avoidant's fears keep them away from social contact that they otherwise want).
@bertjeeuh569
4 ай бұрын
I've often called myself a loser, that other people think that I'm a loser. Until at 14:00 ish you started breaking down "okay so what is a loser?" and I tried to come up with this myself and I came up blank. I don't relate myself at all to what I define to be a loser nor do I think people around me think so. I've internalized so much self doubt and pressure from expectations that I never really looked at it from a point of factually being a loser instead of feeling like one. By typing this out I realize what my next action point is, defining what makes me feel like a loser. And one of the biggest ones is the expectations other people have of me/other people. It's hard to put in words but it's almost like feeling content won't ever feel good enough because it feels like there's always something else you HAVE to do or you're a loser.
@cathyortiz5911
Ай бұрын
I've been told this my entire life... Cathy, you take things personally. This video helped tremendously. And it's a relief to know how to handle this differently Ty for this.😊
@JaimetheBR0
4 ай бұрын
I’m glad to see this topic covered. I don’t think I am a narcissist, but I have struggled with low self esteem and when I fail at things I would not take responsibility, but rather assume I was just getting what I deserved or I would lament that I was always destined for failure. After one particularly bad incident I spoke to just about every friend I have and they managed to teach me this principle about accepting responsibility for my actions and understanding that they didn’t make me doomed as a person. Since then I have been slowly improving myself in a way that feels much better than anything I had tried in the past
@o4_
20 күн бұрын
Thank you so much, this actually clicked really well. I feel another thing that helped me is knowing that by sheer virtue of being a human being, you deserve to be loved and to live a happy life. So, any "attacks on your self-worth" from other people can be ignored, because you know you will always have that self-worth by default.
@mediawolf1
4 ай бұрын
It makes sense! I am both a huge beneficiary of your videos and a coach myself. I have clients who can't hear feedback because all they hear is, you're telling me I'm wrong (or I'm doing it wrong or I did it wrong etc.). In other words, they can't get past their perception of it as a criticism and/or a personal attack. And that blinds them to being able to see the thing being pointed to.
@Tiasung
4 ай бұрын
Just here to inform you that I too, took that personal.
@justbecause968
4 ай бұрын
Wow a lot of the years of struggling with my parents stuff makes way more sense now. Trying to unmesh your own issues from the ones that others “normalised” is very difficult. Thank you for helping me to understand
@chelseacheeks2632
4 ай бұрын
This is helpful to people who have been demoralized by narcissistic behaviors. I am really grateful for the free psych content this channel puts out, a year ago as a recovering people pleaser, I wouldn't have understood this concept so I'm really grateful for this take ❤
@singularbear8656
4 ай бұрын
The thing is that that thing i like isn't harmful to me and i see it as part of my being since it's so important to me, hence it hurts be greatly when i have a close friend judge that thing and see me in a bad light because of it
@nickel2729
4 ай бұрын
this video popped up on my suggested. best video ive watched in years. i have been struggling so bad, and am trying to break the cycle of my victim mentality. this is the most helpful video i have ever seen on youtube. definitely found a new favorite creator. awesome content!!!
@Trevan2412
4 ай бұрын
It's not me, it's you
@adamaunya69
2 ай бұрын
🤣🤣🤣🤣
@eurekagotami1505
Ай бұрын
i've been feeling like i'm losing control in life. There are too many things giving me anxiety and things that i can't fix. Sometimes, i watch your videos to try and make sense of it all. Thank you for existing. I hope anyone else feeling this way know that they're not alone.
@mot2296
4 ай бұрын
It makes all very much sense to me Dr K. My issue is as follows. I always try to moderate and adjust my behaviour towards others. I am a very agreeable personality mentally speaking. But ot seems to never be, no matter how good or well i behave. That leads to pain ans suffering, as I get overburdened with the constant new critic and the upkeep on the demands that are already placed on me I feel like a small 50hp engine that is tasked to haul more and more load, just because people think I am smart/able enough to do so. So of course I cant stop taking critic personally. I try to do so for many months now. But it still a knife in my heart if you try everything and still get critized, just because people don't want to belive me how I hard I struggle And when I draw borders and boundaries around myself, people seem to not like me either. Seeing as some of them just see a friendly person walled of in their own garden
@mot2296
4 ай бұрын
It's always me that has to do the work in the end. And I am tired
@yu_kon9393
4 ай бұрын
I feel you. Can't say much. You are a good person I believe. You at least trying. Life is suffering anyways.
@hellequinm
4 ай бұрын
Why do you think you should be liked by everyone out there? Someone disliking you should never have any impact on your own self-perception. That's not about you. If someone doesn't like chocolate is it the chocolate's fault? I know it sounds silly, but it's the same concept, their taste buds don't enjoy the experience of eating chocolate. It's nothing to do with the existence of the chocolate and the many people professions and studies that goes around making chocolate.
@mot2296
4 ай бұрын
@@hellequinm feedback an criticsm is still part of our daily life. and i am lonely
@BlueFireDudester
3 ай бұрын
what the hell, this is so eye opening. I did not realize that this was running my life. Thank you so much.
@tr4inwr3ck.d
4 ай бұрын
Bro this is the exact video that I needed.. everyone says I take things too personally....
@DB-vl9ob
4 ай бұрын
So now you gonna work on every single point they say? This video is bs. Ppl say shit for thousands of different reason including not liking you.
@dvalee
4 ай бұрын
@@DB-vl9obyou sound like someone who took the video personally
@dvalee
4 ай бұрын
@@DB-vl9obyou sound like someone who took the video personally
@tomsterbg8130
4 ай бұрын
Without even watching the video, just the title. I can say I wholeheartedly agree. As a person who rarely ever takes things personally I have sometimes had the chance to realize and look at it from the outside, a different angle. My friend is busy? No problems. Seriously stop thinking "oh he's just ignoring me".
@thisisntallowed9560
4 ай бұрын
Parent: "Come here baby walk towards me!" Months old baby: "So what are you telling me I can't walk?!"
@MiamiChica
4 ай бұрын
This is what I’ve been waiting for. I’m so tired of dramatic and overthinking people assaulting me or creating false gossip aka defamation about me for having a simple disagreement during a mundane conversation 🙄 This is a lesson they should hopefully learn to take in.
@conter888
4 ай бұрын
I am happy that you created this video. I struggle with this
@Yasuzume7
4 ай бұрын
As probably a narcissist, I have hard time with some of this things. Lack of communication of what bothers people is frequent. Even if you fix the problem like not texting immediately, and you see little to no change, you might just reverse back to the original state.
@Janioong
2 ай бұрын
One of the things that i always remember when i'm almost taking it personally is 'the way people treat others is truly a reflection of who they are'
@matthewgilfus1640
4 ай бұрын
I graduated with a BS in Comp Sci in 2017 and graduated FullStack Academy in April 2023. I'm over 3000 job applications with three failed interviews, eight "Thank you but we are looking at many other applicants at this time, good luck" emails, and been ghosted the rest of the time. I'm trying to not take that personally. It's hard to not feel bad when everyone else I know have either dream jobs or are living the life they want. I'm 40, living at home, working a single part-time job, divorced, and my father makes fun of me almost daily because of my education and lack of employment. At this point in my life I'm more like an 18 year old going to their first semester of college without a major in mind. I keep wondering what I need to do and/or what I have to do to make my life work. But I'm 40, not 18. I have very little potential left. It's hard to be living in this world and think "it's all up to me and I just have to be better" rather than "this world is f'ed and therefore so be it". My narcissism, nihilism, and misanthropy is a defense mechanism, "It can't be me, I'm working on improving myself all the time. I'm smart, I should be successful. I know things. Complicated things. I'm a kind, generous person. I haven't failed. I haven't given up. I'm doing a lot of work. Why doesn't it matter to anyone? It must be them." It's a tough pill to swallow to admit I have to do more. I just don't know what "more" is.
@Silencer1337
4 ай бұрын
Have you had someone review one of your applications who's opinion is actually worth anything? If there is an oversight in your application then you don't want to risk being too proud to learn about it. Your story sounds similar to that of a family member, who decided after 2000 failed applications that the world doesn't want him to succeed. I then looked at their applications, and they were ass. Used a selfie with no post processing for a picture, eye rings and everything. Writing was needlessly formal, posing no incentives to the employer. CV first-to-last. Off-the-mill fonts and typography. Listless default layout and typesetting. It almost felt like they didn't want a job. Your mileage may vary, but it's something you need to take a look at before chewing on those negative thoughts. Getting basically zero responses with 3000 applications is insane. Something has to be wrong with either the applications or the way you find potential employers.
@timeforamazingchest5271
4 ай бұрын
Try to take a step back and imagine you are looking at your life situation from someone else's point of view, like Dr K explains in this video. If someone you care about were in this situation, what would you think of them? What would you say to them?
@matthewgilfus1640
4 ай бұрын
@@timeforamazingchest5271 "If nothing ever good happens to you I appreciate the effort. You are doing all you can. You may not have a job, money, family, children, a job, or a path in life but you made a decision and you have to live with it. I care about you very much, but there is a chance you might get lucky someday. You work hard but that doesn't guarantee anything. Deserve has nothing to do with it. I love you anyway. Just survive and keep trying. If you want real advice you shouldn't ask me. I've told you what has worked for me and I guess I was lucky. That doesn't mean you will be. You're a smart man and a good man, but that's not valuable anymore I guess. Just do what you need to do. Don't worry about happiness. Life is suffering. Learn to live with that but also keep trying to be the person you want to be. Money isn't everything, just survive."
@matthewgilfus1640
4 ай бұрын
@@Silencer1337 I've had my friends in tech look over my resume and did everything they told me to refine. I've gotten lots of advice from them and people from the unemployment office in my city and have been keeping up with their advice. I even quit smoking and started working out so I'm more presentable in Zoom calls. I've gotten compliments doing coding exercises from hiring managers. I reapply to companies after a few months to see if they'd reconsider me. My psychiatrist wants to know what my problem is and I really don't have anything to tell him because they give me good feedback and tell me they'll schedule more interviews but I get squat. At this point I think it's demographic issues and the fact that everyone is laying everyone off and companies want to get those really experienced people. I don't blame them for that. I can't compete with people with real experience no matter how good I am. It's just one of those things.
@divyaniytpremium8743
4 ай бұрын
I also graduated in Dec 2023 and submitted 1000 applications and got 1 failed interview only . This job market is very tough . I'm also almost 30 and it's been very hard on me . We can connect if you want. I'm also a CS major . But don't be too hard on yourself .🫂
@matt566
4 ай бұрын
The problem with this mindset is that problematic behaviors tend to be strongly ingrained. The actionable items for someone with trauma and corresponding distrust are nebulous and the change is hard to come by. You’re giving examples of simple things like hygiene but that’s not what causes the biggest problems between people generally…
@markigirl2757
4 ай бұрын
Definitely is a maturity thing for me. I developed narcissistic tendencies bc I was severally depressed and had low self esteem. I definitely started intexturilize my emotions and tried to calm them before solving any problem. I have adhd and it’s easy to dooms scroll or get self-pity so as soon as I start feeling bad for myself I start trying to empathize and even think sucks knowing I caused stuff bc of how extreme I become I know I need to work communicating more efficiently. I got a lonnnnng way toooo go but it makes sense why people exhaust me and I barely got friends.
@fulicious2991
4 ай бұрын
And I took that personally
@Naruto-mn1dy
4 ай бұрын
I swear to god i was looking for this video a week ago, i knew dr. K would've talked about it.Glad it's here.
@M.W.2
4 ай бұрын
Do you have a video about stop comparing yourself to other and how to deal with the unsatisfaction of looking at your age number Vs the accomplishment you did and all those you've lost or still have to do? Advice that is not just "get over it, you can't turn back time"
@neomatt
4 ай бұрын
comparing only sees now not how they got there.
@aawillma
4 ай бұрын
I'm a scientist so I avoid it by realizing I actually don't have enough data to accurately compare. I often don't know where they started vs where I started. I don't understand my own innate talents and potential let alone someone else's. I know that my own success is some combination of luck and skill but I am mostly clueless about that ratio and I'm even more clueless about someone else's. Usually when people compare they are comparing their inner experience to someone else's externally observed experience. Those are already apples and oranges, even disregarding everything I've already mentioned.
@timeforamazingchest5271
4 ай бұрын
Try his "Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People (Here's Why)" video from December 2022.
@crispaynoodIes
4 ай бұрын
I think I'm starting to do this? From watching Dr. K's videos, I'm teaching myself that there is no self, no identity, no personality, just me as a human being, and what I'm doing in the moment. So if there's a behavior pattern I need to change, I can choose now to choose a different behavior. I haven't gone out and sought criticism yet though to test it though.
@thisisntallowed9560
4 ай бұрын
I think sometimes narcissists use the "taking it personally" teachnique to not have to take responsability. They don't really take it personally, they just don't care.
@constantinotiniacos6192
4 ай бұрын
Well, I believe perhaps you are giving them too much credit. The impression I am getting from what you are saying (and correct me if I am wrong), is that they are in control of their emotions and coldly decide to instill guilt in you to deflect the subject. In my experience with so many family members, they are absolutely so out of control of their emotions that they really believe you hate them whether they do something or not. So I believe the explosion is real, and they get self deflected from the subject to a cesspool of crap inside of them and they tend to take you too to it. That's when empathy is not so great tbh. I believe I am less empathetic because of dealing with people like this so many times in my life but it has improved results enormously in terms of my emotional wellbeing. So when that happens it's like watching a cartoon, and by not let yourself get carried away you can actually help them if they can be helped.
@thisisntallowed9560
4 ай бұрын
@@constantinotiniacos6192 I think there are different types of narcissists. I can definitively see there are narcissists like what you are describing who are much more explosive and insecure. What you decribe sound like a mix of narcissism and borderline personality. Both my parents are narcissist and just like a child may lie they also lie to avoid consequences or taking responsability. They're playing dumb but just don't want to be called out. "Oh so now you'll saying I'm a bad mother huh! You're saying this about me you should be ashamed!" and I'm like "No, I said can you knock on the door before opening it." My mother never believed I hated her until I straight up told her I hated her. I think my mother's motivation was more revenge and hatred/disgust towards me than insecurity, even if there probably were insecurities. She even read a book on manipulation so that gives me the feeling she may know what she was doing. I think something common for all narcissists is lack of empathy and lack of self awareness. But I don't dare to dispute Dr K On a side note, it's cool if you can avoid getting caught up into her emotions but make sure you're not dissociating.
@constantinotiniacos6192
4 ай бұрын
@@thisisntallowed9560 I think I can know where you are coming from. I remember finding a book, "The Prince" of Nicolas Maquiavelo (I think is Nicolo Maquiavelli), which has all these tactics of manipulation to secure the kingdom. My father had underline many passages about how to deal with an enemy. So, I wonder if your mother feels you are manipulating her too. That's what an egoic defense mecanism goes to when it's feeling hurt. Many narcicist have great guilt issues, because where also abused by it, so they go like:"Hmmm you made me feel guilty and now I feel bad. Now I'll learn do the same". Instead of taking a step back and reflecting on... "what things I might have done to contribute to this?". So it's definetely a big ego thing. As a narcicist upbringing survivor I sometimes notice I have a big ego, and I am noticing how is making things extra hard, because I have to wrestle: First unsurpress the emotions the ego send to me, and then try to find the truth to it when I get to a calm mind while dealing with all the distracting bs it sends me. It's ridiculous, Haha.
@buzzerk5521
3 ай бұрын
Makes total sense and weird/sad/cool to see I have that narcissistic tendency and can now work on addressing it. Thank you!
@aroncanapa5796
4 ай бұрын
being told "you dont have a wife kids car or home so why do you need more money" when asking for a raise when homeless and top producer is personal, especially when all my coworkers always ask me "why do you work so hard if you get paid by the hour" while on their 94th cig break after driving their shiny new truck to work, living in a giant house with land, and have a family, while i do all my work, most of theirs, and keep the place clean or get yelled at and have my slave position threatened
@KriegerIngarten
4 ай бұрын
Terrible my man. You gotta change something. I dont know how, but be brave. You can find a way out of that situation. You can.
@neomatt
4 ай бұрын
I dont think you work hard because you're afraid to lose your job a think you work hard because you're a hard worker you dont have to listen to people who only care about doing the bare minimum and calling that acceptable
@Hawkenwhacker
4 ай бұрын
What does this have to do with you? I sense a misdirection.
@aroncanapa5796
4 ай бұрын
@@neomatt youre right, i work hard because i want to prove im worth more, i just liked challenging myself to see if i can do more than the day prior, and working hard just feels right, but it only ever has led to more work, not more money
@aroncanapa5796
4 ай бұрын
@@KriegerIngarten im not homeless rn but i am behind on rent, have next to no food, maybe a day or 2 left, and only been denied jobs past 2 years for either being too honest or overqualified, both cop out reasons to be denied a job
@carrieantal7553
4 ай бұрын
Thank you for making this - too many relationships end needlessly precisely because someone took feedback personally, embraced the victim mentality and got defensive/mad/melted down rather than focusing on solving the actual problem. You're helping so many people. I wish all the people who needed to see this could see it. But by putting it on the internet for free, every day more people will.
@treeforged9097
4 ай бұрын
Just as many relationships end because people use "feedback" as a way of controlling other people. Sometimes things are only a problem for one person and not the other. Sometimes what is a problem for you is a gift to them.
@carrieantal7553
4 ай бұрын
@@treeforged9097 I hear you - nobody likes to be on the receiving end of controlling behavior, whether it's active or passive. I think this video is emphasizing the importance of taking ownership for our own reactions to things we don't want to hear Plenty of negative feedback isn't controlling, after all, but just a genuine attempt to engage the other in problem solving something that isn't working. When someone raises a concern it doesn't much matter whether the other person agrees it's a 'valid' issue or not - it comes down to whether the two people are willing to work it through so they're both feeling comfortable, or whether it's simply a matter of incompatibility which means the relationship needs to be reframed - divorce? less close friendship? estrangement? or whatever. I liked this video because it can help with self-awareness and recognizing counterproductive behavior patterns in ourselves and others. Communicating with a problem-solving mentality and with as much good faith, open-mindedness, curiosity and civility as we can muster, while resisting the reflex to project intent on the other - while ultimately recognizing and respectfully setting boundaries based on own needs and limits - is the ideal our community here is striving for.
@dark16825
3 ай бұрын
This has been pretty eye opening. I have recently had depressive episodes where i consider myself to be a lesser person, but I've never tried to understand what the actual problems are. But this video has helped me to stop and take a step back to figure out where i can improve myself. It makes so much sense. It even explained someone else i know who is pretty narcissistic. Wow
@MightyElemental
4 ай бұрын
7:55 >the problem isn't me >the problem is that I'm not good enough at something How is that not "me" being the problem? Yeah, it's something that can be fixed, but it's still my own lack of knowledge... I can't blame anyone else for it... Maybe I'm not understand what "personal" means in this context.
@neomatt
4 ай бұрын
the problem is not you it's what you dont know and you cant learn things you dont know from yourself
@Gauntlet9001
4 ай бұрын
You can take steps to fix a lack of knowledge. If you make it personal you tell yourself "im a dummy and can never learn" which 1 isn't true and 2 doesn't fix the actual problem you had.
@dead_nn5293
4 ай бұрын
i think the point is that your skills are not “you”. It’s skill issue, not your identity
@dancole2994
4 ай бұрын
It's not about blame. It's about accountability. It's about understanding the situation instead of complaining about it. Only then can you get out of being self-centred, zoom out and make changes.
@aawillma
4 ай бұрын
You are more than your abilities.
@victorn5870
4 ай бұрын
Its more like self critical and doubt rather than narcissism, narcissim believe they are perfect.If you are sensitive to overreact to external criticism, you are probably doubt and self criticiize yourself when things go wrong.
@TheGodatNothing
4 ай бұрын
I’m taking that personally
@crossoverqueen1775
4 ай бұрын
It’s amazing how every time I’m struggling with something, you drop a video on it.
@SeveredInfinity
4 ай бұрын
KZitem has a way of showing me the right video at the right time… a little worrying but more to do with my behaviour. I am a narcissist, specifically I have the narcissistic trait of taking things personally and unable to decouple things from me. It is something that I need to focus on improving. Everyone has told me for years that I take things to personally and even this week there was multiple instances of this occurring. I always assumed I was an overly emotional person but maybe I was looking at this all wrong.
@quackman
4 ай бұрын
makes sense, enjoyed the "what do they see from their perspective? ask them what they're looking at when they say this instead of taking it personally"
@cet262
4 ай бұрын
This video genuinely helped me see that I do this wayyy too much and the desire to not be a narcissist made this video 10 times more impactful
@nectarina3891
4 ай бұрын
Dr K, I Can't tell when I have taken something personally vs when someone is being mean to me/not treating me well. How do we figure it out?
@citlallicontreras1879
4 ай бұрын
Definitely agree with many things of this video. It's like when you want to become better at a videogame, you re-watch your games and look for your mistakes or things to do better, improve them and practice. This could be done the same way, look at our behaviors, improve them and practice. Also, many people don't realize that just a lot of factors aren't in their control. For example, with the interview, maybe the employer never really considered hiring an external person, maybe its just nepotism, maybe a better job offer is coming to you. Once we can shift our focus outside of ourselves and see different perspectives, we can stop taking thing so damn personal.
@tymarmaras
4 ай бұрын
It’s not me, it’s me. Make sense.
@KuantumGame
3 ай бұрын
My supervisor oftenly pointed out my mistakes and I took that personally thinking he thought I was not skilled enough. Overtime, I learned to swallow my anger and do what he told me. I got better that way. But after watching this, I realized I didn't take it right either. I need to seperate skills development including professional behaviors from my identity. Thank you!
@joshsmith2723
4 ай бұрын
Dr K is pumping out amazing content lately!
@shannon12312
4 ай бұрын
I clicked on this video because I feel like I am always taking things personally and obviously want to stop. For example at school I’m in a friend group of three a lot of the time I feel left out or not validated in the friend group and I get really upset/ beaten up about it. sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting/ taking it personally but in my situation idk how to retrain my thinking with this. This video helped in some aspects but if anyone has any advice im open to hear :)
@reboooot
4 ай бұрын
This is all making me realize how complex the concept of narcissism is. It seems like for the majority of people its less of a personality trait or disorder and more of a maladaptive defense mechanism that can end up being a full on disorder that is less permanent for some than others. That doesn't sell drugs though, so I don't imagine many people leaning into anything but experimental treatment for that. The DSM needs a massive face lift or else we're all just going to drift along in philosophy land while rich people get more scientific treatment
@jaybee4288
4 ай бұрын
I think it’s just one of those words that has been taken by the internet and applied to everyone that they don’t like and it’s kinda lost its meaning. Same with depression. There’s a very small percentage of people that would get diagnosed as a narcissist.
@that_quiet_kid
3 ай бұрын
sertraline, my siblings and mother, questioning, and THIS; were the key to change my life. just until last year/first copule of months of this one, i had very serious problems with benzodiazepines, alcohol and cocaine (which brought me to a psychiatrist against my will), was severely traumatized, anxious, completely numb, deeply depressed, dead in life, had very serious problems with self harm, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, lots of attacks that i'm still not knowing very much what they were, i was severally suicidal and i still don't know why i've never finished it even though multiple times i was just about to do it (but i'm glad i didn't), and lived in a hostile house with a very mentally ill father too. but now, my life is good. i actually like it. i like me. i found myself and discovered after 7 years i actually have an identity. and i'm me. all thanks to what you explain. so i wanted to share just a bit of my experience here, and thank you for explaining this on the internet. it's gonna help so many humans in suffering. thank you for your caring and dedication for humanity. with the deepest respect and appreciation, avril.
@DualFace_1
4 ай бұрын
Ill never understand Narcissistic tendencies man. The idea of making the same mental mistakes over and over without ever considering YOU might be the cause is wild to me.
@mental_kintsugi
4 ай бұрын
It has a lot to do with not being able to face the overwhelming emotional pain of facing the idea that YOU could be the problem. This idea comes with a lot of implications that are usually tied to shame. - If I was the reason why my relationships always failed, it'd mean that I mistreated all my previous partners - If I was the reason why my adult kids don't want to talk to me anymore, it'd mean that I was a bad parent ... It's always the implication that the narcissist might be a failure of some sort aka not living up to their internalized societal/parental or their own expectations, which would make them worthless in their own eyes. Which is the exact feeling their narcissistic idea of themselves serves to protect them from, usually bc they went through a traumatic upbringing as a child, possibly even caused by a parent of them being a narcissist themselves.
@TopMusicChartsChannel
4 ай бұрын
what if they aren't mistakes?
@thisisntallowed9560
4 ай бұрын
@@mental_kintsugi They also lack self awareness. They can't understand themselves so they can't understand other people. So they also lack empathy. They also think their way of thinking is the only one that exist and is right so they also are close minded. They lack self awareness so they also can't regulate their anger and other emotions.
@DualFace_1
4 ай бұрын
@@mental_kintsugi it's such a shame that this happens to people via trauma and how they were raised. That the thing they would have to do to fix this mindset is exactly what they're unconsciously defending themselves from. I wish em the best.
@Silencer1337
4 ай бұрын
It's a learned behavior. If you get punished in the most severe manner every time you make the slightest mistake (emotional abuse, physical abuse, incarceration, isolation, etc.) the idea of being at fault can become so unbearably painful that the mind finds a way to make you intellectually rule it out. No matter how bad the consequences of that are, the idea of being at fault hurts more. "The other person could have tried harder". "The world could have tried harder". Your mind starts turning every word someone speaks to you into an attack on your identity, causing you to lash out constantly. You're basically in extreme pain while at the same time being extremely annoying. It takes real work to unlearn the association from words to abuse; the mind triggers the experience of an attack before you get to think. So, narcissist aren't fundamentally evil or stupid or anything like that, but the causing history is often too cryptic for anyone to be able to deal with it in a productive manner.
@spaceghost4906
4 ай бұрын
what’s funny about this video is i started naturally doing this after watching so many of doctor ks videos over the years. thank you brotha.
@GerardoGutierrezGonzalez
4 ай бұрын
I tried this thing from your videos and so far it looks good: I am trying rephrase my thougths in a way they are directed to "this person" or "one" and trying to avoid the name of the other person also replacing it with "this person"
@IceDelight
4 ай бұрын
To be honest, I think there's a lot of people who take things personally who aren't narcissists.
@nolandderlugner1351
4 ай бұрын
100% I dont say im not narcisstic, but i know om really insecurr and thats why i take things personally
@monkiesbanana321
4 ай бұрын
There are two different things Narcissistic traits (ANY one can have more or less of this at various times in life) & People Dx w/ NPD (consistent, frequent and troublesome expression of narcissistic traits and behaviors)
@jhlime
4 ай бұрын
It's a narcissistic trait. We all have them (or can have them) to a degree. Having a trait or a tendency it's not equivalent to having narcissistic personality disorder.
@Soluble_Siren
4 ай бұрын
Super accurate and makes total sense. Tried it with a situation at work and thought, “yeah I get that” 😂😂😂
@1flower161
4 ай бұрын
hmmm.. you know this might be one of the rare times where I disagree from Dr.K. Even though the step of separating yourself from your actions is essential, i dont think it starts there. Like if I feel like I showed this video to young me, I dont think it would have made me feel better. Speaking as a person who was VERY sensitive as a child/teen, the reason I dont take things personally as an adult now is because I started to show myself A LOT more compassion and talked to myself in a more positive way. Learning to still love myself and be kind to myself even when I made mistakes is what made it easy for me to not take it personally in the future. which is something I really needed because everyone around me was quite harsh when they called me out for an action they didnt like.
@G4RYWithaFour
4 ай бұрын
Its 2 solutions for 1 problem IMO. Self compassion reduces the impact and need for shame, externalizing the problem and readjusting what your responsibility actually is reduces the number of sources for shame.
@stephaniekuhlman1781
4 ай бұрын
Hi Dr K! I’m a therapist and a big fan of your work. I have learned so much from you and I wanted to give something to you. That might be helpful on this subject. First, I want to acknowledge Dr. John Connelly the hypnotist who trained me. He has a process called shifting internal geography, which is absolutely beautiful and it really helps clients distinguish the difference between themselves and behavior, thoughts, feelings, and preferences. I have had a lot of luck helping my clients make this shift using this process.
@edwardwhitehead8143
4 ай бұрын
It makes a lot of sense; by internalizing a problem, it ironically removes any ability to solve it objectively. This is a great video that lays out a very simple, but hard to swallow concept
@privet671poka
4 ай бұрын
Dr. K: “Narcissists don’t fix problems in their life.” Also Dr. K: Draws a beer can that looks like a lipstick and continues to do so for the entire video.
@DanialZh
4 ай бұрын
This just fixed most of the problems I was having in relationship, I couldn't explain this to her but now I can and we understand this MUCH BETTER! thanks.
@08wolfeyes
4 ай бұрын
So are you saying that we should simply accept what others say about the ' action ' as being truth/ factual? Surely, there are times when what another says isn't true, and so you're simply correcting them on that fact. Also, if you're changing some action, then you are, in fact, changing who you are as a person, not through your own choices, though, but simply to please others. It also gives people then the power and ability to manipulate and control you, more so if two or more friends direct such things in your direction. This is why you can often find bullying happening in the workplace, for example. A group of ' Clicky ' friends work together and for some reason, don't like the new guy or someone who already works there and so together they tell that person they need to work faster, focus, stop talking etc. Yet they themselves may, in fact, be the ones who do such things. What you're saying, though, seems to suggest that you should take what they say as fact which would lead to you pushing yourself more and more until it leads to some kind of breaking point, mental breakdown or even burnout.
@neomatt
4 ай бұрын
this is not even the topic of the video
@christopherp.8868
4 ай бұрын
I think that's an interesting point. Because the question becomes... what's the best course of action/best way to take responsibility in this situation/do I take this personally or not etc.
@killerb255
4 ай бұрын
_So are you saying that we should simply accept what others say about the ' action ' as being truth/ factual? Surely, there are times when what another says isn't true, and so you're simply correcting them on that fact._ I think a better idea would be to not put so much weight on what others think. This could be a person that you may never see again--why would their beliefs in truths or falsehoods affect how you live your life? Also tie into that the serenity prayer (you don't have to be religious to learn from this): the essence of it is to: - Have the serenity to accept what you can't change (accept does not mean condone) - Have the courage to change what you can - Have the wisdom to know the difference between the above two things You're not Professor X from X-Men. You can't change a person's thoughts. You can say things to them, but they can choose how to react to it. You can do things (or not do things) in front of them, and they can choose how to react. That's all the influence you have on that other person's worldviews.
@neomatt
4 ай бұрын
@@killerb255 there is nothing wrong with fixing yourself without other people the problem comes when you blame yourself for being unable to fix problems like mental health when they are not caused by you most mental health problems are caused by something that happened to you.
@spurce2179
4 ай бұрын
Learnt this the hardest way. My ex would have a little bit of fragile temper, she would pull away very quickly when displeased. This was all about her and how she felt. But the last final time we argued, I made it about ME and how it hurt ME. And it had built up inside me because all other previous times I had also taken it personally. Wound up blowing up over her so hard, we broke up. I'm regretful of my actions and the best thing I can do is change. This video showing up on my feed is just another ledge I needed to get where I want to be: a better person.
@mrphangoldwing
4 ай бұрын
This feels incorrect. What if they gaslight you?
@arturfelix3619
3 ай бұрын
nah you're just imagining things
@juststanningby
4 ай бұрын
What Dr. K said about the coaching program is so true! They definitely help you get an external look at yourself. In fact, it's so funny to me that after my session with my coach today, they told me it was so timely that you dropped this video :)) We were working on a similar topic I was struggling with so the exercise I have to journal on is similar to this. I still have to continue processing things but so far I already feel able to separate the problem from my identity. Helping to see actionable steps to be a better person.
@fyodordostoyevsky9026
4 ай бұрын
Eventually you keep not taking things personally and you'll turn into a doormat.
@melodyschmitke8303
4 ай бұрын
Actually no. Being a doormat is taking responsibility for other people. My responsibility is my actions. If what someone desires is important to me l will work to do so. Having a friend is important, so I make messaging a priority. Or let them know I struggle with this, can you help me? If it's not important then their feelings won't affect me.
@robinmoreno76
4 ай бұрын
I have never been more violated in my life watching this. I feel like i received Emotional guidance in the form of yelling or scorning/mocking, which is possibly why i find taking emotional advice so challenging but it is true i do take things very personally. I hope to be better at that.
@progamer-df3be
4 ай бұрын
I am offended. How dare you suggest that I need to stop taking things personally. I can't believe what I just witnessed. I don't take things personally and I am completely fine. I have no problem, you are the problem. I think you should stop taking things so personally.
@rosemariecampbell7205
2 ай бұрын
In otherwords DETACHMENT is a key component in growing a THICK SKIN ;and especially important for ultra sensitive empaths ;and or for certain job positions eg...sales
@tgraphics9091
4 ай бұрын
Is it possible that you speak about self-destruction, perhaps even compare it to self-improvement
@Fishyman336
2 ай бұрын
“And remember it’s not you, it’s me” So I took that personally
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