I thought I was doing what I needed to be successful.
I was filling my "free time" with cramming in as much external learning as possible.
If my calendar was open, I felt I wasn't being productive enough.
I wasn't aware that the unconscious programming running the show was that "I am not good enough."
The pain of being stuck in the position I found myself in year after year was leading the charge but in the wrong direction.
I wasn't open to the learning.
The "I am not good enough" program misguided me to look away from asking what I needed to change about myself.
Classic protection mechanism.
Repetition compulsion is a psychological term simply referring to an attempt to solve past problems by unconsciously leading us to similar experiences until we "get the message."
I wasn't "getting the message."
How could I? I was closed off in survival mode with stress chemicals running through my veins.
I am a persistent person, and I kept trying my best.
But I needed to try something new.
Hiring a coach to help me was the new decision that changed everything.
She challenged me to look within myself upon a 30-day education detox.
I realized no amount of books, courses, or podcasts would ever be enough.
I was already enough.
I just had to let go of the things holding me back.
P.S. This story was 3 months after deciding to stop riding BMX altogether in January 2020. I met my coach at an event we were attending together. Funny how that worked.
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