Hello Paul. Thank you for your work and generosity sharing this lecture. A few years ago I found this lecture snd hot list at your early comment on birth mothers often saying •not a day goes by...• that would be some comfort but not my mother who wanted no reunion. So I couldn't listen. Now I can . And I needed to listen. Just wanted to say, assume nothing that will softthe blow of reality
@calukimbo9994
2 ай бұрын
Dedicating to Larry
@lizzielonglegs1980
3 ай бұрын
I dream about my passed adoptive parents which is so sad for me as we had an incredible bond and I miss the family I knew with them that I have lost touch with since they passed :/
@lizzielonglegs1980
3 ай бұрын
I am 56 and still cry for my adoptive parents that passed in 2008 it’s awful I cry so deeply due to missing them so much I met my birth mum but she didn’t make as much effort as I wanted and so stopped the relationship this video is so informative thankyou ❤
@ss6830
5 ай бұрын
I am adopted, and mixed, this was an amazing find, and totally describes me. And I totally agree with his insights on A.A. I never liked that group, or understood how people could go all the time.
@makaainana
6 ай бұрын
"We're talking about a trauma, that by definition, has no pre-trauma personality. So that the sufferer believes, that actually, the person they've adapted to become, is actually who they are. And that's not the case. THAT IS NOT THE CASE." 😢 This changes things for me.
@mikeanthony8934
6 ай бұрын
I was born an extremely happy, confident kid. I had trouble talking to girls, even though they liked me, and I became a bully for a while. My life spiraled from there.
@lizzielonglegs1980
3 ай бұрын
Sorry to hear are you getting any counselling or therapy ?
@mikeanthony8934
3 ай бұрын
@lizzielonglegs1980 yes, I'm trying, thanks for asking. Are u adopted?
@laurenpharaoh7931
6 ай бұрын
Fellow adoptee here. Listening to this with my parents. It is mindblowing listening to this. I was about 4 weeks old when I joined my family. Oh my heavens the catastrophic thinking part blew my mind because it is so so accurate. I have never thought to even link it even slightly to one's start in life.
@farnaddarnell3926
7 ай бұрын
Very validating talk. Thank you!
@celinahardy2416
8 ай бұрын
Thank you for this lecture. I am a 61 year old Eurasian adoptee brought up in a white family. I was relinquished at 10 weeks of age in 1962 and formally adopted in 1964. I learned so much from this lecture and it has already helped me to understand myself better, even at this age. It took me many years to be ready to face the reasons for me being let go, I thought I knew but I was scared it might be something worse. Every step on the journey has brought me increased inner peace and self confidence. Even though I have only spent today watchiing and listening to this lecture (four times) I already know it is another one of those steps on my journey.
@pphelan55
8 ай бұрын
Thank you for uploading this video. It helps me understand myself a bit better. I'm going to listen to this again as I had some distractions. I'm nearly 70yo and it sometimes saddens me that I grew up not knowing my birth mother's love. I and 3 other girls were adopted by a strict religious family. Not my cup of tea! I still feel like damaged goods at this age. To all you adoptees out there, I send you love and peace ✌ ❤
@patriciasnyder3027
8 ай бұрын
Oh my gosh. Why didn’t I find this 12 years ago? Late to the table again but better late than never as the saying goes. My thoughts had turned to emotional stress upon a mother in gestation and what that might do to the child from conception to birth. 12 years ago I was found by my biological sister that opened a world I thought I was prepared for but turns out I wasn’t. I did the work, 30 years ago and had decided not to search. I didn’t want to unleash possible hell on another’s life. I never thought in terms that it would be mine. Now here I am at the age of 62 in hell, trying to put the pieces together of the puzzle of my life, at the end of my adopted mother’s life. Answering the question of why I cannot look at my baby picture, her face and demeanor are full of trauma and distrust. I do not cry for the 62 year old woman I am. I cry for the five year old who could never be. The fight for survival has been my mantra.
@sarahb7973
9 ай бұрын
Thank you , im trying to understand more who have more sources or tools to heal from this trauma Please
@seamusduke1023
10 ай бұрын
life saver
@inspirationalshanae5129
10 ай бұрын
What advice or concerns occur when APs have a bio child but adopt another child?
@r0salia805
10 ай бұрын
I am 59 years old, and I was "relinquished at 12 days old." I started using drugs at the age of 16. never "fitting in" at home and at school, I looked for "acceptance" in the wrong place. During that wrong place, I became a mother at the age of 25. I "never" bonded with my baby the way "new mothers" should. A deep attachment that I did not "feel", I had it, but I couldn't feel it, the bond. I didn't understand why I was feeling like that. Is the feeling going to come naturally, or what? I also have Adhd, my concentration is hard for me to control. I don't know if it has to do with that part of the brain on an "attachment loss" due to "my trauma." Thank you so very much, Dr. you have given me a much needed "insight" to my "existence", period. God bless you dr.!!
@TheHairlessGibbon
11 ай бұрын
I was adopted at 5 weeks into a household that by 6 years old I was like a puppy that grew out of its cuteness and it became very apparent I was not wanted. The silver lining around this turd coloured cloud is being born into trauma has armed me with an ability to deal with traumas, that come with life, better I believe then most people.
@anarchisttutor7423
Жыл бұрын
I think some of this talk also applies to newborn victims of circumcision (male or female).
@DarkoProductions
Жыл бұрын
Im a 43 year old man, and Ive quit getting my mail, everything is sent back. For 20 years the dread of ending my day with someone shaking me down for money, or the government coercing me to do soemthing, or bad news being delivered gave me anxiety all day until I got home. Despite dozens of relationships, none of them felt safe and secure, just me fighting my emotions in preparation of them eventually leaving. Ive just completed my 10th year, of my 2nd career, and suddenly just like the first career, all my colleagues have turned on me and abandoned me. My family who is great, I feel like an extra or visitor with them. Yet society tells me Im lucky, Im a chosen one, yet my entire life has been navigating and adapting to a world it feels like Ill never fit into. The more self aware I become about myself, the more unsafe and harder life becomes. Ive been getting treatment for over a decade, but often times it feels as if its counterintuitive to healing, as the more aware I become, the worse the adaptive behaviors become. People have no idea how lonely it is to be an adoptee, even when things are going good, its just the lead up to a catastrophic event, that will end everything and leave me abandoned again. In the last 5 years I have more difficulty being and enjoying time with my family, lifelong friends the same way, and they can clearly tell, which often leads to the few people Im close with no longer associating with me. I just wish at some point in my life a human somewhere actually accepts me, and I'm able to feel safe and loved in a world that has done nothing but dicard me for 4 decades over and over again.
@79missnaomi
7 ай бұрын
Hi Darko. 45 yr old female adoptee here: I so relate and feel what you expressed deeply. Oh my, so tiresome and just drudgery getting by day by day. So much more to say and acknowledge about what you shared; just please know what you wrote spoke to me and feel validated. I have lost count of how many times I have watched this vid: it is comforting and therapeutic… wish everyone “got it” and somehow can assist us to transcend this. The lack of validation, dismissal and all… just so very painful. Sending you so much love my friend <3
@79missnaomi
7 ай бұрын
Hi again- yes the feeling of discard like am some kind of rubbish to be tossed at a whim, jogs up the cellular, pre-verbal memory of the abrupt disconnect of relinquishment. It’s just cruel and unusual punishment to me… Society is annoying really and i have become a recluse when am not working. I am a greenlance sign lang interpreter (adoptive parents are deaf etc). When a client decides to frivolously complain and have me removed from an assignment. One of the many devastations I’ve endured. It’s just too much. What is this. Anyway feeel free to reach out if you’re compelled. I will not utter the asinine “ youre not alone” crap, but pls know yiu have a friend in me who knows what you’re feeling <3
@79missnaomi
7 ай бұрын
PPS yes, feel am shaken upside down for money and how much I can produce and give give give. Peoplenpleaser to my detriment for as long can remember. Why am i not eligible to be held properly and loving company at the end of the day? I have smoked a pack of cigs a day and more than a bottle of red wine for years and years. Have been looking at my invisible watch “why am I not dead yet?” Ok. Sorry for the ramble and lack of spaces between thoughts. Thank u for reading <3
@TonyBurke100
Жыл бұрын
I've just turned seventy and I have a feeling that I was adopted, returned then adopted again but I'm not sure. I've only recently discovered all these adoption videos and they've got me thinking about why I've had problems with relationships as well as addiction to booze and drugs over my life. Once we understand why we do these self destructive issues we learn to deal with them.
@david-bs2ov
Жыл бұрын
For me , Knowing the reason for my crappy disastrous personality traits makes it no easier, as I have found (after many years of therapy) that nothing will break down the wall of protection that I have built around myself to " protect me ". I am stuck.
@projectmoon13
Жыл бұрын
I cried and she felt inadequate. She thought I would have opportunities, so she gave me to an agency. I was placed at 4weeks. My life has been terribly difficult. I always make self destructive choices. I will never be ok. It’s always a struggle. It will never be over. I just wanted a hug and will never get one.😢as an infant, learning to soothe ourselves from birth…. It’s probably one of the worst things you can put someone through. Lying in the dark screaming… and no one comes. And the person you are screaming for will never be coming back. It creates an awful foundation. Abandonment on the bottom doesn’t make for a solid structure. I will forever be broken.
@radhaor
Жыл бұрын
God bless this man! This is so helpful. It all makes sense and I feel validated. 🙏
@Earlymorningrider
Жыл бұрын
Genetically proposed and environmentally disposed.
@emmachatterley1446
Жыл бұрын
I was taken from my bio mum at 2 weeks. Spent 4 weeks with foster parents and was then adopted. My adoptive mum told me I used to cry and cry at 11pm because my foster dad used to come home from work and spend time with me. My adoptive parents used to let me cry it out. I’m certain this has contributed to my abandonment and anxiety issues 😢
@mikewilkins2030
Жыл бұрын
46:43 wow! Never thought about that!
@mikewilkins2030
Жыл бұрын
36:30 listen ppl! It’s so true! My addiction was and is food! I’m on the other side now, in recovery! Shame and guilt should come from God your Creator, not a human mortal who is just as guilty as you! Let that heavy chain/yoke off your neck! YOU OWE NO MAN ANY OBLIGATION. Just love your neighbor as yourself.
@Akuarius1
Жыл бұрын
This is great research for my adoption documentary. He keeps interrupting himself to a distracting level but I get it, he's passionate
@rumblesofrevolution
Жыл бұрын
Wow. This is amazing. I'm a 32 yr old international adoptee of an interracial family. I started reading Betty Jean Lifton's book The Journey of the Adopted Self and having kinda been in limbo. Lots of insight firing off, intersection of my own relationships to addiction and emotional/neurological regulation. This is a powerful lecture. Thank you for this.
@jodikurtz8299
Жыл бұрын
Loved your talk!! Very insightful as an adoptee... I related to a lot!! Of what you said. I wish there were a part 2 on how to recover from all that you mentioned. This is what I'm searching for!! Thank you!
@freddysnewchannel8885
Жыл бұрын
Thirty, forty, fifty years ago? Try seventy years ago.
@SN-sz7kw
Жыл бұрын
For those relinquished at birth during the closed adoption era - the inferior status of the adoptee was codified into law. We were legally robbed of our histories and identities. Not even worthy of knowing our familial medical history. Think of it - even our health was second class - the knowledge of this compounded at every medical visit when I had to respond with “I have no history, I’m adopted.” And they would nod as if this was normal. The lifelong sense of inferiority and hyper vigilance- my god. And although I can now access my original birth certificate, it is incomplete- time of birth is omitted & the space indicating multiple births is blocked out. I now know my mother’s name & learned she died by suicide when I was 9. I spent a lifetime waiting to find her, thinking she was out there thinking of me. And now at age 60, I still can’t legally ask what time of day or night I was born. It tears me up.
@SN-sz7kw
Жыл бұрын
As an adoptee from the baby scoop era - no sense of identity and enormous lifelong longing for my birth mother - pregnancy & giving birth was both healing & unhinging. It often felt like I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, unravelling into tears, feeling almost feral at times, obsessed with controlling the process, trusting no one and unable to say why.
@DavidFraser007
Жыл бұрын
Here I am on my 64th birthday. I was adopted twice, I even lived with both my natural parents for a while. It didn't work out so I was given for adoption very quickly the 2nd time at 18 months old. I suppose I didn't fit in very well as I endured endless slapping sessions, then I just got taller and taller, which was resented. I was lied to about nobody wanting me, I wasn't chosen as I was told. They weren't natural parents in any sense of the word, just a childless couple who also had marriage problems, probably why I felt more at home with my Grandparents. My Gran died unexpectedly when I was 17 and I joined the army a year later. Adoption is not a natural process, the whole idea of changing a child's name and stealing it's identity is abusive and just for the benefit of the childless couple, they were not happy I changed my surname back to the original.
@sarahmorgan625
Жыл бұрын
I sent this to my therapist who wants to be more adoption trauma informed. We spent almost a whole session talking about this. Thank you.
@samanthahaynes5289
Жыл бұрын
These comments are healing my broken soul ❤️🩹
@aliroffey9807
Жыл бұрын
Brings such comfort and insight. Thank you 🌈⭐🌈
@eriknava4721
Жыл бұрын
I was adopted &I gotta say i absolutely hate it! Don't get wrong, I love my mom&dad who raised me. I'm so grateful they did. They gave me such a better life. Couldn't be more thankful. It was an (in family adoption). They were such beautiful ppl.i also had two older sisters who were biological daughters to my adopted parents make us a family of 5. They were 6 & 8yrs older then I was. I've always felt like an outsider. Nvr really fit in. I've hated my older sisters my entire life. As long as i can remember, that only feeling I've had for them. They were so mean to me. Nvr let me forget I was adopted. They use to flip thru magazines to find the ugliest freak show of a woman&say this is your real mom. I remember it like it was yesterday. We nvr once said I love you. Nvr any kinda words of encouragement. No support. I haven't seen them in about ten years. It's affected my entire life. The older I get the harder it is. I'm struggling to find myself, to find love, or to find someone to just make some kinda connection with. My anxiety & depression is outa control. Stopped seeking anything romantic bc when it don't work out it absolutely kills me. When ppl come&go outta my life hits me way diff then most ppl. My abandonment & trust issues cut deep to my core. I nvr thought in a million years I grow up to no family, borderline basket headcase,&spend pretty 80%of my life alone. Prisoner in my own head. This is the first time I've ever spoke about this to anyone or online. Major big step for me. Anyways, adoption sucks!
@pandaluna
Жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing. I can relate to everything you said above, and I know many other adoptees can as well.
@radhaor
Жыл бұрын
Erik, you're not alone. Many of us have same troubles as you. Now, you need to heal. You can heal from all of this. Please listen to Louise Hay for example. Or read her books. Affirmations. Do mirror work. Your brain can be re wired and your heart and mind will heal. Many people are changing their brains and neural pathways by reprogramming their minds through mirrorwork and affirmations and positive visualisation. Prayer and connection to the Supreme Power will heal massively, if you're open to that. But the power is in your hands. You have the power to heal EVERYTHING. It will just take some time. You don't need to suffer like this. Forgiveness is critical too, not for those sisters, but for you. Please don't suffer unnecessarily any longer. Start now 💐🙏💕
@DarkLittleMaiden
Жыл бұрын
I am an intercountry Adoptee and don't have substance abuse issues but apparently my bio father did. I've also been diagnosed with ADHD/ASD. I am obsessed with (and study) psych sci and I function so well that my pain is hidden almost entirely. Even from myself. I suffer from somatic pain and I believe it is because of my chronic stress. Chronic stress that I can't feel. Add to this, my adoptive mother also abandoned me in my late teens (but I wasn't a bad child AT ALL). I was very quiet and compliant. This video helped me elucidate the trauma that I never consciously experience. It helped me see my life not through the lens of Neurodivergence, or racial otherness... But through a lifetime of relinquishments. I hope once I can accept what happened that some of my ADHD related issues will abate. I am bright but any amount of external stress can completely undermine my best efforts to succeed. Not bc of emotion but because of significantly reduced cognitive ability.
@mikeberray1175
Жыл бұрын
Learn to "study" the stress, not "feel" it. Become your own master. You decide what you are and what you want to be. Be a scientist, a writer, both. Don't let the first quarter of your life determine the rest of your life. Be a designer: design who you WANT to be. Who cares if the design is a little late... at least it's not a race you know. Good luck.
@inspirationalshanae5129
10 ай бұрын
AP put u in foster care? Adoptees are suppose to be treated like bio children
@DdossAttacks
2 жыл бұрын
Dude looks like Casey neistat went on a bender with Johnny depp
@oksills
2 жыл бұрын
I appreciate the motive behind the posting of this message. However, as an adoptive mother of 8 children, I found it to be none of what was said , to be true. Our children’s current ages range from 15 to 46 years. They were all from medium to extreme levels of abuse, neglect, and torture. We continually and constantly saw developmental pediatricians, RAD specialized therapists, play & behavioral therapists, and child psychiatrists. I read a myriad of books, attended seminar after seminar, workshops & programs including those by Foster Cline and Nancy Thomas. I can find nothing here that corresponds with what I’ve, as a highly motivated mom, learned. I forgot to add possibly the most relevant……. we did urine, blood, and saliva, testing with a group of doctors who evaluated neurotransmitters and then supplemented to correct/balance them.
@Redfox-1984
2 жыл бұрын
Growing up I knew I experienced relationships differently with the fear of abandonment. I had no idea it ran this deep. I am just now learning about the primal wound in my 50s. I am thankful for this information it makes so much sense now.
@trudykennedy2380
11 ай бұрын
Your words explain exactly how I feel as an adult adoptee around your age. I’m only now - a fellow adoptee friend sent me this video, and it was hard to take in - realizing that so much trauma of all sorts that I’ve gone through in life can be traced directly back to being adopted. I’d always thought I was fine with being adopted, and that my dysfunctional, abusive adoptive parents and home were the catalyst. Clearly there were serious issues that predated me being placed in my adoptive family. Lots to learn - and face, and accept - and reading your comment helped. ❤️
@Redfox-1984
11 ай бұрын
@trudykennedy2380 thank you. 😊 I wish you the best on healing those wounds the best you can. Just when I think I've done that, something else pops up letting me know I have more work to do. At least now I understand the deep trauma underneath it all.
@trudykennedy2380
11 ай бұрын
@@Redfox-1984 As we’re “of an age” when adoption (closed, of course) was much more common; by the mid-70s, more women and girls were keeping their babies, and it only increased from there as the stigma against “unwed mothers” diminished, and birth mothers could choose adoptive homes and stay in contact with their biological child as he/she grew up.
@pandaluna
2 жыл бұрын
For those of you looking for more supportive resources, I highly recommend the Adoptees On podcast: www.adopteeson.com/. There are many other resources out there, but this one has been particularly profound in helping me navigate the trauma-related aspects of adoption. Each episode is usually just one adoptee sharing their story, and most of the time each story feels like a small veil lifted from my eyes.
@lorrainevivian7967
6 ай бұрын
Thankyou
@adriankennedy3547
2 жыл бұрын
This video is sofull of great info many thanks it is so accurate
@adriankennedy3547
2 жыл бұрын
As a relinquished baby i had to internalise it all , the amount of ignorance and denial about how it effects one at a deep level has always baffled me. My only real way fwd has been mindfulness and prayer . Talking it through often ends in frustration. Gods love and buddhas light are great healers but ultimately it is too late the damage is done not to mention years of alienation from a dysfunctional adoptive family that cant help.
@fof3904
2 жыл бұрын
Hi guys i would take recommendations from you, i wanted to be adopted but i have my own bio fam... And so i am not in foster care... How may do i find family to me of my country didn't offer services such that?
@kerrileelawrence15
2 жыл бұрын
All top nasis saved project paperclip to continue crimes against humanity..anti D's are a dangerous numbing bandaid that is a dangerous place to stay for too long.. nature heals time heals Not Chemical Nighmares by Rockerfeller and his criminal mates..
@kerrileelawrence15
2 жыл бұрын
Abandonment issues are also pushing fight flight freeze response.. everything is life or death..i wouldn't eat until i was one and a half years old..but Adoptees are Blamed Shamed n Silenced Pretty Early in Life and Trusting Humans is Always a Big Deal.. We Need Human Bonds and Contact to Survive..But Humanity is So Upside Down Controlled by Fed Reserve Psychopaths its Sickening to Watch..then we learn that Love isn't a dirty word.. it's Humanities Only Hope 🌿💟🙏💟🌿
@b1LL1eMc
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you.
@loveoneanotherdonthate
2 жыл бұрын
I think in my life I used to think about "what happened" every damn single day. And it never made me happy, it made me sad every single day.
Пікірлер