I feel like I've spent my entire adulthood trying to heal from my childhood.
@MJLibellule
Жыл бұрын
I'm so fucking tired lmao
@Seeker0fTruth
Жыл бұрын
Yep. We spend a lifetime trying to heal. Keep going. It gets better. ❤
@destinyalanna
Жыл бұрын
Same lol
@little_miss_muffet
Жыл бұрын
I (secure) was at the receiving end of most of these behaviours from my previous relationship with an FA. He did give a lot in the first few months, really showed up, was present and just lovely to spend time with and get to know. Then 3 months in, the first red flags started to appear, which I overlooked as I was so enamoured by him. But the slow fade had already begun and he started to pull up the drawbridge and make his retreat over the following 9 months before finally leaving me, citing too much “pressure and hopelessness” for the future. By the end there was zero intimacy and I’d effectively been friend-zoned without even realising it was happening. Looking back now I wish I’d advocated for my own needs sooner and walked away from him. Alas, I just clung onto the hope the man I’d originally met and been swept off my feet by might come back at some point.
@beverlylambert811
Жыл бұрын
Wow. That is exactly line for line what I’ve been going through for about a year now. I can’t walk away because we have a 3 month old, but even if we didn’t I’m not sure that I could. 😕
@aNnAkt1qw
Жыл бұрын
I resonate.
@Mississippian
Жыл бұрын
In my own experience, I found that the behaviors caused by anxiety (push-pull, criticism, hypervigilance, wanting reassurance) have been much easier to resolve after reprocessing the core wounds around abandonment. But the stuff around opening up and tolerating myself or others being vulnerable, asking for closeness, speaking about needs seems to be a whole other beast. Everything with me has to be factual, un- opinionated and almost a no big deal for me to feel comfortable with it. Maybe my DA made me a DA? When does it end... 😅
@cappygurl
Жыл бұрын
It gets better, just the fact that you are doing the work is huge. Been at this for almost 3 years my self, things get better the more you do them they start to become your new normal and second nature. Also the people you surround yourself with can make it feel safe to open up and get closer.
@clhunt15
Жыл бұрын
@@cappygurl I absolutely agree. Pay attention to the reactions different people have when you make yourself vulnerable. I've explicitly told my partner that I feel stupid for having this or that vulnerable feeling, and he always reassures me that I'm normal. That has helped me so much, as well as kind of doing a bit of a "fade out" from the people in my life who don't react well. Finding a new church home has made a huge difference as well. Hope that helps!
@mexicanfoodjunkie8857
Жыл бұрын
I feel the exact same way. I think it's because it's easier to rely on fixing ourselves because we're in control of that, rather than relying on, ie. trusting someone else because that is out of our control. Especially when others do hurt us.
@veraawuah
Жыл бұрын
I used to testing people for trust because I had gone through some terrible experiences but once I learned some relationships ideas from my grandmother and books I read, I am now enjoying my current relationships and have created a channel on relationships where people can learn too. I am happy KZitem give us the platform to learn from each other and Thanks for sharing this with us
@jordansalerno3366
7 ай бұрын
Crazy how spot on everything is. So refreshing to see someone explain and validate these feelings instead of misunderstanding and criticizing. Thank you Thais again and again!!
@joelofty6436
Жыл бұрын
This has illuminated a lot for me. Thank you. I hate that I ruined what I had, but I’m hopeful that I can mend myself enough to not have it happen again
@andreajaouhari6486
Жыл бұрын
I’ve done every single one of these but now they do not control me. Thanks to Thais.
@PhetteHollins
Жыл бұрын
Whew! The life of an FA. So thankful for PDS.
@roshalllambert
Жыл бұрын
I love the explanation of what internally goes on for the FA!
@elliecee8114
Жыл бұрын
I do all five. Wow.
@lindadunn8787
Жыл бұрын
Thank you. I noticed myself recoiling internally at even committing to listening attentively to this presentation. I've been practicing DBT skills for more than 5 years which enormously supports my growth in authentically being present to and with myself and others. As I listen on the side, so to speak, while doing something else, I observe I am able to enjoy the feeling of physiological regulation as I let the information in to what seems to be my already full to overflowing consciousness. I'll continue incorporating this material as I am able. Thank you so much for providing this opportunity to learn.
@rosestewart1606
Жыл бұрын
I do all of these. However, I'm now in a relationship with an FA who doesn't know he is FA and I can't tell what is real or just my avoidant side coming out...again....
@KaimaVixen
Жыл бұрын
Hi Thais! I’m not sure if you read the comments, but I want to thank you for your work on explaining our wiring as Fearful avoidant. I’m really wondering and asking if you could please make a video for FAs who have had acute trauma and now feel they have to guard themselves more because they no longer trust themselves to not chose people who will hurt them? Or could you talk about the increased anxiety that we experience after being hurt so badly in their lives? I’m trying to understand this prevalent anxiety.
@djenning90
Жыл бұрын
This resonates with me a lot
@andrealord1325
Жыл бұрын
Always on point! Thanks for sharing.
@coolqh
Жыл бұрын
This is me right mow and I feel like giving up. I obviously can not do relationships, even when I know all of these FA things trying to work on myself. 😭
@clhunt15
Жыл бұрын
I also frequently feel hopeless in my relationship and with relationships in general. I literally say "I don't know how to do relationships", though not as frequently as I used to. You're doing great, even when you don't think you are. Your happiness is so worth all the effort and hard work you're putting in. *hugs*
@niktendo2000
Жыл бұрын
Best advice I can give you both... Living in the past is depression Living in the future is anxiety Living in the present moment is peace If you are FA the most important work you can do is learning to do nothing and I do not mean procrastination. I literally mean do and think nothing! Your emotional triggers will pull your thoughts all over the place and your thoughts will cause your toxic behaviours to come out, when that happens and you start listening to your fear it is only a matter of time until you sacrifice your partner in the altar of fear that is your fear brain and you tear your partner limb from limb. Every time you think you 'should' do something.... do NOTHING. Clear the fear from your mind. Do not think about thr future or the past. Breathe, become present, use tapping or breathing or stretching exercises and talk out loud to yourself. Talking out loud to yourself will help expunge the negative thoughts your triggrred emotions have caused to be created in your fear brain. Get those false thoughts out. Set a 24 hour timer on a clock and every single negative or positive thought that comes in, write it down but dont act on it. Check it after 24 hrs to see how strongly you still feel or agree with it. If you do this consistently, start the journal early when into your thinking, then over time it will stop a build up of fearful thoughts. This will all help to allow you to TRUST yourself because you and i both know you make some terrible impulsive decisons. Stop acting on impulse! We also both know when you act with a clear head you are simply amazing! Its just you struggle to tell them apart sometimes. Journal. It will really really help.
@coolqh
Жыл бұрын
@@niktendo2000 thank you! I will take this advice! 🙏
@coolqh
Жыл бұрын
@@clhunt15 thank you ❤️ hugs back at ya.
@nishanttn
5 ай бұрын
@@niktendo2000great advice. This should be framed
@princessleai
Жыл бұрын
1. When the weather is also dependent of my mood as well.. 2. Hmm is over-giving similar to people-pleasing?? But on a different scale?🤔 3. When you pull back and watch for their reaction and they just leave you there by yourself..”do you really even want me “? 4. Becoming critical is the breaking point and seems to be the only point where you tell it like it is- and are able to articulate your needs *odd* 5. I suppose I shouldn’t do this😅
@liliaaaaaaaa
Жыл бұрын
What do you do when you think that you are in a relationship with someone who is avoidant, and you are an Ap, then you realise, maybe you are the one who is fearful avoidant after all?
@incognitoyo8606
Жыл бұрын
Me right now, great question.
@cappygurl
Жыл бұрын
What we should always do is to begin to work on ourselves, strengthen the relationship we have with ourselves. When that happens you will either have more stability and greater success in your other relationships or you might find out you are with the wrong person. Healing our trauma is key.
@phoenixroseastrology769
10 ай бұрын
As an FA I pour in and then mirror what I get back. For everyone who feels burned or let down by an FA take a look at what you were giving back to the relationship. We are intense and need to find people with a desire for life, people who don't view the Honeymoon stage as a stage at all. I can sustain that level indefinitely, but finding a partner who can keep up, whether romantically or friendshipwise is very hard. Defaulting to boring is just not an option for us, nor should we be shoved into that box. Don't clip a bird's wings just because it also needs to land on a branch or sleep in a nest. Put on a hang gliding suit, build a plane if you have to, but keep up and soar with us! We can netflix and chill too, but that should be the exception, not the rule. ;)
@MybabyboyIra
Жыл бұрын
As an FA, I feel these are all normal behaviour people have. But now except for DAs I guess.
@lifecoachingtoronto
Жыл бұрын
Is an FA behaviour also keeping track of all the times their partner "slipped up" or wasn't acting 1000% ethically?
@Mississippian
Жыл бұрын
Absolutely! I can't believe I'd forgotten about this. It used to take me very little to admonish someone as a bad person and put distance between me and then. Plus, I'd put distance between me and anyone else who didn't hate the first person as much as me. And so on. Eventually, I would feel very alone because it was like I was the only one who cared about integrity, very out of place and almost like an alien. It was only after therapy that I recognized that maybe people aren't horrible, they are just not as sensitive and don't take things as personally. This allowed me to be more compassionate towards others and not punish them as harshly. It felt less lonely thereafter.
@clhunt15
Жыл бұрын
@@Mississippian HARD SAME THO. @_@
@couch_philosoph3325
Жыл бұрын
Mostly in the dating stage id say. Once i was over the 6 months mark i usually got way more chill. But in the dating stage (so the first 3 months) i do that. However, i have been getting way better at it. I think part of it is that fas have never learned how to express their needs, so they are hyperattuned to others. As they cant voice their needs, they need to see whether a partner could meet their needs by keeping track of their behaviours. What has helped me is really opening up with the person i am dating and directly asking for validation or space for example if i need it.
@rosestewart1606
Жыл бұрын
yes. you're gathering evidence for the next break up. it's not normal to do this....if something bothers you, you should deal with it or get over it. People aren't perfect.
@JTScott1988
Жыл бұрын
Hi Miss Thais. How much of the fearful avoidant’s nature is more nurture, like a result of CPTSD or something similar?
@thinkfirst1989
Жыл бұрын
Any way to know (as a partner) if these kinds of behaviors are your beloved FA struggling with their attachment system, OR if these behaviors represent the narcissistic abuse cycle? I really need to know. I'm somewhat FA leaning anxious but I understand and try to do the healthy things in a relationship. I'm with someone who I used to think was a narcissist, like one of the 1% of the population with the actual personality disorder, but who I've more recently come to understand as some with severely fearful avoidant attachment.... however, I've been really suffering in this relationship. I know everyone will say- then just get out. But I really love this person. I'm actually sure about it. I don't want to leave them if they're just really struggling, I want to support them. But if they're just emotionally abusing me and they're unlikely to be receptive to doing the work (ie an actual Narcissist), then I need to leave. Please help.
@sierraclose749
Жыл бұрын
Being abusive is an immediate dealbreaker, narcissism or attachment style aside. Abuse isn't an attachment issue, it's an abuse issue. I'd recommend looking into "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. That might be more helpful in your situation than attachment styles. (Also, if you're unsure if you're being abused or not, but you have to ask, the answer is almost always that you're being abused.. their past traumas don't excuse their current harmful behaviors)
@howtosober
Жыл бұрын
It may be helpful to know that Complex PTSD, aka developmental trauma, is frequently misdiagnosed as Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder (also sometimes Bipolar). There is significant friction within the mental health community over trauma disorders in general. Even the category referred to as "personality disorders" is now being significantly challenged as the field advances. I know scores of mental health counselors and therapists that hate the DSM-V and avoid using it except when they absolutely have to. This is relevant to your dilemma because when trauma is activated, a lot of the symptoms and coping strategies can often appear similar to narcissism. FA attachment systems are the people most likely to also suffer from childhood developmental trauma (C-PTSD). Ultimately, a person suffering from trauma wants to show up better for other people and simply can't, whereas narcissists are being abusive because that's how they get energy ("supply") and validation. There's no way to know from only what you said which you are dealing with. But I think you missed an essential question: "What do I need? What am I capable of in this relationship? How much is too much for me?" You have to take care of yourself. But you'll get a lot of valuable information if you have a calm, compassionate conversation with this person and give them a safe space to express themselves without feeling judged or fearing abandonment. If it's a trauma victim, they will respond much differently than a narcissist, who would just capitalize on the opportunity to be more abusive. Best of luck. Keep doing your own healing work and you will be able to see others more clearly as well. And remember: "No love in this universe is ever lost." Love freely, but if you need to disconnect or pull back, do so compassionately. The love you gave will always find its way back to you from somewhere else. PS. I strongly recommend checking out Heidi Priebe's channel. She does an excellent, long, detailed video about FA attachment, as well as a series on dysfunctional family roles and C-PTSD. Since these are all related, it will give you a much broader understanding. Watch the video on the family scapegoat. From your description, you may be surprised how much you learn about your person.
@howtosober
Жыл бұрын
Here's a great video from Patrick Teahan about Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. childhood trauma. kzitem.info/news/bejne/znd836x9rKCifpg
@couch_philosoph3325
Жыл бұрын
You do not need the label of a personality desorder in order to leave. Everyone has the potential to be abusive. Someone with anxious attachment, fa, da, boderline, bipolar, adhd, neurotypical, everyone can be abusive. And also, a narcissist can also be not abusive (especially if they have been to therapy). You should not endure the abuse no matter what the person went through. You can have compassion for their past trauma without letting them take it out on you. You need to love your own needs and wants just as much as the others. If you have been consistently telling them your boundaries and they cross them, then you need to leave. It's not your job to fix them. It's your job to fix yourself
@ummjunayd1511
Жыл бұрын
Forget about all the labels. How are you actually feeling? Can you continue like that for the rest of your life? Just because you can explain someone’s behavior doesn’t make it any less painful. No matter how much you love them, that love is something occurring within you. You can love someone else like that again because it emanates from you not them. Whether they are a narcissist or an FA it doesn’t matter. Focus on how their behavior is affecting your wellbeing and decide if 30 years from now you can keep living your life in that dynamic.
@gsxrfem5180
Жыл бұрын
I've not been successful working "selfhelp" courses.
@cappygurl
Жыл бұрын
That's probably because you have not worked on reprogramming core wounds/core beliefs. I suggest doing the 14 day trial in PDS and starting with the emotional mastery course it's videos plus a workbook with exercises.
@gsxrfem5180
Жыл бұрын
@@cappygurl I struggle to identify core wounds on my own.
@clhunt15
Жыл бұрын
@@gsxrfem5180 Have you watched Thais's core wounds videos? She breaks everything down for those of us who are starting at square one * raises hand*
@gsxrfem5180
Жыл бұрын
@@clhunt15 I've watched so many over the years im u sure but willing to rereview them, thank
@surrenderinfaith
Жыл бұрын
@@gsxrfem5180 are you neurodivergent?
@jellyrcw12
Жыл бұрын
Damn I feel so called out by the first one
@joriebreyer2711
Жыл бұрын
Question off topic kinda, is there anything on here about figuring out exactly what attachment style i am? I feel like I am a fearful-avoidant but I definitely see more anxious attachment style behaviors within myself once involved. I am confused by it all.
@Hastinet
Жыл бұрын
If you go to their website they have an attachment style quiz, you could be a fearful avoidant leaning more Anxious; it’s a spectrum
@joriebreyer2711
Жыл бұрын
@@Hastinet I took the quiz and I was fearful avoidant but I see myself as that until I'm actually in the relationship and then I become less avoidant and all anxious. So would that still be fearful avoidant with leaning towards more anxious? So do I watch fearful avoidant or more anxious videos to get more out of it and make changes?
@happyhippo7060
Жыл бұрын
there are some videos on the channel about finding it out. Also, as far as i understood, a fearful avoidant can be (because of the two conflicting sides) for example fearful avoidant with a stronger anxious side/leaning anxious. it can also depend if you are in a close relationship to a more distant person, so you balance it out and it brings out in you the more anxious attached side. there are core wounds that are closely related to which attachment style you will predominantly have. like the "i am bad" core wound which is specifically related to being fearful avoidant. i hope it helps to have a rough overview (i would recommend to search on the channel of the personal development school) and you find a way that suits you best to find peace with your attachment style!
@knockemdeadproductions
Жыл бұрын
I’m FA with an anxious lean. But I only lean anxious in romantic relationships when the other is avoidant. Literally any other time I keep my distance emotionally from people and I stay away from dating. So the extreme dissonance between these behaviors tend to root me in FA rather than AA. The attachment quiz helps a lot.
@lucytownsend1176
Жыл бұрын
@@joriebreyer2711 can relate to this 💯. I am FA. I find when I am around an AP person, I tend to go into my Avoidant side hard. When I am around a DA, I tend to go into my Anxious side hard. In relationship to my DA, I flip flop. When I go anxious, which triggers his extreme avoidance, after a while I get angry at his “rejection” and “abandonment” of me, and I flip to my Avoidant side. This then gives him the space he needs to breathe, so he comes out of his avoidant shell and tries to reconnect with me. I am hurt and angry, so sometimes I reconnect and other times I pretty much say F U. It is painful on both sides, for us both. I watch the daily video, no matter which attachment style it is about, as I can usually relate to some or all of it. I hope this share is helpful. You are not alone in your confusion.
@Ellael98
Жыл бұрын
Hey there! Can someone help me with that? I had a breakup 1 year ago with a fearful avoidant and I still very much love him- deeply. I’m trying to move on, but my gut feeling tells me that I just don’t wanna leave. We were so so genuinely in love and treated each other kindly and well- but also we had that typical push pull hurtful dynamic. We ended up hurting each other so much and all over sudden he shut down completely. He told me recently he met someone new but that he still thinks about me all the time!! BUT he said he can not imagine coming back with me and that he really appreciates the new person. I can’t live with the fact that he’s with another woman and she’s already in love with him. Do you think FA‘S just tend to rebound and he tries to hurt me? Because he still isn’t over me, that’s what he said. But he’s afraid of hurting HER so he doesn’t want contact anymore. But then there are moments where he thinks about coming back for a moment- but shuts down right after.. is there ANY chance to make this happen again? I just can’t let go, I love him so much… Sorry for the long text!
@hanmanteomkar
Жыл бұрын
@maryL. these are typical mind games FAs play. you are the back up in his mind. If you ask me, honestly cut your losses and move on. indefinite no contact. FAs are very charming (but not just to you they charm multiple people at once)
@Ellael98
Жыл бұрын
@@hanmanteomkar I don’t think im a Backup, he said he wants to move on and start a new life …
@LeeChrissy
Жыл бұрын
Honestly your best bet is to do ALL the things that makes you look and feel amazing. Gym, meditate, new look, internal work...do everything that's good for you so you can love yourself enough to take him off the pedestal and put yourself on it. I'm a big believer in what's meant for you will come back. If he's going to value you at all, you should let him do the work while you focus on yourself. Go no contact and don't allow him to give you mixed messages. If he knows that you're just sitting there waiting for him then there's no sense of urgency or room for him to miss you. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. My one comfort with my DA (I'm an FA) is that the 3 years we've been on and off, neither of us have dated in between. I would be heartbroken too girl, but let it all play out. You don't know if that relationship will even last. 💗
@Ellael98
Жыл бұрын
@@LeeChrissy hey there, thank you so much, that’s so lovely..🌸💜 I am doing all the things you mentioned, taking very good care of myself, still my heart is bleeding. You know, you mentioned that you never dated anyone else, this is so beautiful. This made me worried also, because after he broke up I instantly went on many dates cause I couldn’t take the pain. Then I took time to heal fully and he dated and endless amount of women cause HE couldn’t cope. It was so so painful and we never wanted this to happen.. I don’t know if he is just rebounding now or truly moving on. Well, there’s nothing I can do anymore😞 thank you so much for your kind message. ❤️
@LeeChrissy
Жыл бұрын
@@Ellael98 ughh I know it's painful. Heartbreak is the absolute worst. Let's hope this is all happening for a reason and you'll end up back together, both in healthier mindsets! If this helps, my DA and I got into our first heated argument last month and instead of the usual shut down disappearing act we both pull, we actually talked it out and were back to normal the next day. That's a big step for both of us. 💗
@CJSmith-ky5bh
8 ай бұрын
“When someone doesn’t reciprocate properly” according the the FAs undiscussed, often delusional demand of what that’s meant to be.
Пікірлер: 80