Nope, no empathy. In retrospect she was a willing participant in my empathy, with my work in the community and the contributions I made. It was as if she came along for the ride. That was just 3 months and she absolutely loved being part of my life for a while because I have an awesome life. There are very small telltale signs she was avoidant but really nothing major, not till she shut down emotionally that night for the first time. I very abruptly ended the relationship based on that, instinctively went into no contact before I knew that had a label. But seriously, I did that to distance myself from her, not to get her back. I don’t for a moment think she would come back anyway because she knows that whilst I’m highly empathic and loving, I’m also very firm and determined and I’m no pushover. She knows she would have to face up to herself. And anyway, amazing as it was together, as fond of her as I was I seriously don’t think these people have an authentic and loving bone in her body. I also consider the entire 3 months was disingenuous on her part, she was essentially living a lie and well practiced at it for a period of time being in her 50s. I’ve had some really lovely relationships with genuine women, I can’t be bothered with this crap. After 8 weeks watching all these awesome videos I reckon I could pick the avoidant by the look in their eyes now, I’ve become that attuned to their nature. Avoid the avoidant at all costs I say. Thanks for your videos, I really appreciate what you do. From New Zealand
@byjohnobrien
14 күн бұрын
Good to see you again. Thanks for sharing your experience. I am sorry for what you have been through, but I am glad to see that you have set your boundaries, and are sticking to them. This is what a secure person does. And your level of awareness will do wonders for your relationships. You seem very secure. Glad this has helped and thanks for being here.
@cspace1234nz
14 күн бұрын
@@byjohnobrien ...yeah I wouldn't say "very secure" and as I found out over the last 20 years it's easy to be secure when you are in relationships with people who are secure, all the more so when they are peace-maker types. I recently discovered I am very much capable of falling into terrible insecurity and anxiety. Whilst it was only 4 days before I brought the relationship to a screaming halt, that 4 days showed me my limits that's for sure. I am pretty secure and can be very decisive, however, feeling what I did for those 4 days, well, I am perfectly fine with that. To not have felt that would damned near require me to feel nothing, to be utterly indifferent, even a bit sociopathic. It's not so much what I felt but that I didn't allow it to stick and did not stick around and enter into that whole insecure chasing ghastly business. I can tell you I have always been on a path of healing and growth and of self discovery, this last 8 weeks has been one of full on grief, self reflection and healing, like it's been pouring in. Again, appreciate your work, keep it up. I write what I do as a way of expressing and releasing but also to help anyone else who may be going through this nasty business, as I have appreciated reading the stories of others.
@palmiccz
14 күн бұрын
You did it great, i as Fearful avoidant (There is some justice in the world 🙂) went into pure anxiousnes ended in block on every platform. Lost a lot of respect of course. But fortunately no pain in life is without gain, I transformed my body and learned a lot about me and other people. I hope next time I will do as good as you and keep my self respect. And I will try to be as sincere with the others about my FA settings as possible.
@cspace1234nz
14 күн бұрын
@@palmiccz ...that's the key, just be honest up front. Had my ex done that I would have had respect and i would have been fully open to helping her work through whatever. she had to do. I mean, relationships broke this person, only relationships will fix it, of that I have no doubt. But to hide it, let it come out after drawing in the love of someone, that is really crap in my view. Keep doing what you're doing, just be honest, be authentic.
@ihiroe
13 күн бұрын
Theres no true empathy without regulation. Empathy is a place of curiosity. In that regard anxious and avoidants dont have real empathy bevause theyre focused on their safety rather than curiosity.
@SilentPhilly
14 күн бұрын
Yes, he shows, but yes, it looks more cognitive and what he thinks will make me a little happier. He can always apologize, if something hurts me and attempts to find compromises
@Shayanraj_15
14 күн бұрын
What is a DA's idea of love? Is it acts of service? Showing up despite feeling the fear of vulnerability? Because i believe attraction level tops all attachment issues initially and these things only show up during the relationship phase when two people are much more comfortable with each other. Maybe you can make a video about this and share your perspective? Thank you. Appreciate your content.
@palmiccz
14 күн бұрын
There will be more about this, but one of the issue is that they know they have parts hidden inside which was not accepted even by their parents. Plus the deeper you get with your partner in emotional connection, the closer you are to know them too. And their biggest trauma is from rejection. This blocks them to get any closer, because they know if even their parents didn't accepted them, the partner will leave them for sure right? So they pull away to guard their unhealed injury/trauma.. Now based on their character (and they can be very nice persons other way), they need some argument, to not to hurt the other without any reason. So sometimes they argue they are not good enough for you, or they will sabotage relationship to force you to do something to let them close it with the argument you did something bad to them etc..
@brownell.landrum
2 күн бұрын
I think the big question is: Do they love you? Or do they love that you love them?
@fantohm1065
14 күн бұрын
So how can we encourage them to open more and show part of that vulnerability?
@palmiccz
14 күн бұрын
For me as Fearful Avoidant helped that I broke with Dismissive one which forced me to learn whats wrong with me, but I never had shame issue to talk with my psychotherapist about basically anything, I rather like it, because it's very pleasant to talk about anything with somebody who is not judging me. But DAs could have bigger issue about shame, they know they are defective and they have bigger trauma about that than FA, so they need to have bigger motivation to fix themselves. So in my opinion they need to go to even darker nights of the soul to decide they need to work on it ASAP.
@byjohnobrien
10 күн бұрын
Thanks for the discussion. It would help to show your own vulnerability little by little. As you open up a bit at a time, it will give them permission to. Takes patience.
@palmiccz
10 күн бұрын
@@byjohnobrien Also to take care to not to do anything what could be taken as betrayal (like criticising based on intimate information from them given when they went more vulnerable), otherwise they can close themselves forever.
@andersonrose5071
13 күн бұрын
I'll save you 6 minutes of your life. No. No they do not.
@byjohnobrien
10 күн бұрын
I know it can seem that way and I don't blame you for feeling this way. Thanks for being here and sharing your thoughts.
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