I have an anxious attachment style and I want to reach out to him 24/7… but I don’t. This is a soul crushing experience.
@byjohnobrien
18 күн бұрын
Good on you for being aware. Give it time. Thanks for being here.
@jenniferbeste7465
22 күн бұрын
I dated a guy last year for about two months that checks most of the avoidant boxes. I couldn't deal with his inability to communicate, plan or share anything other than surface level. I ended up letting him know that I think we're looking for different things and wished him well. About two months passed and he messaged that he missed me, said he would try to communicate better this time. For a while it was better and in some ways, we were making progress like it actually felt like a relationship, then he pulled way back to basically nothing.. I just ended it again after 6 months of trying. I know it's not me. I've never had such difficulty communicating with anyone in my life before. I know what I'm dealing with, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
@Nazareyes-zu3ul
22 күн бұрын
Wow, that’s pretty powerful
@sarahkhan6742
22 күн бұрын
They never want to change
@ParisianStreets
22 күн бұрын
They are adults now please say they need therapy - they DO NOT have the right to project their fears on others due to childhood trauma.
@Nazareyes-zu3ul
22 күн бұрын
@@ParisianStreets you’re right.
@ParisianStreets
21 күн бұрын
@@Nazareyes-zu3ul Thank you.
@aryansarvian3045
22 күн бұрын
I walked away (2 year relationship). She pulled me back in to reconcile, only to break up with me 1 month later on my birthday weekend. She showed up at my place. I told her "Well, I'm not going to try to convince you to stay". Accepted the breakup on the spot. Didn't beg. Didn't chase. Went absolute no contact 3-4 weeks. Haven't checked her socials once. Yesterday I got my first breadcrumb. Call from a random number, distant voice saying "hi" and hung up. It was 100% her. It's either regret, or her checking to see if she still "has me" maybe a bit of both. It's strange because at that exact time, I really let go, and shifted from 'breakup' to abundance mindset. Power dynamic is shifting, and I'm staying no contact
@byjohnobrien
20 күн бұрын
Thanks for sharing. Yes its good to stick to your boundaries until someone shows up for you consistently. Best of luck.
@ParisianStreets
20 күн бұрын
@@byjohnobrien Getting to that place and mindset shift is the difficult part.
@carloshenriquez1344
22 күн бұрын
Yup great video! It happened to me, the pull away will trigger your anxiety, which becomes a slow fade, its very painful, once the breakup happens, leave them alone, focus on yourself and give up the hope of them coming back is the best advice, it will take time, but things will get better once you get tired of the pain, you will move on and to feel good again, rebuild yourself and move on with your life
@byjohnobrien
20 күн бұрын
Yes it takes time and reflection but part of the healing is rebuilding your life after a bad relationship. And getting to a point where you no longer care if they miss you.
@memebomber7724
22 күн бұрын
The thing I hate the most is that they always have 1 foot out the door and 1 foot in. Me and her were dating for a couple of months, but around 3 weeks ago she ended things when her mental health was declining and she couldn't take it anymore and wanted to end stuff fully. I tried to convince her to stay but eventually I told her I respect her wish and will leave her alone. Guess what she immediately said after that? "Let's both take some room now and maybe friendship in the future is an option". AFTER texting for hours and her saying it's best to never hear from eachother again. Yep, keeping someone juuust in reach. Right now I am fully blocked... except for Snapchat where she keeps me as a friend. Tried to reach out a couple of days ago, but I am just left on delivered. She could've blocked or unfriended me after I tried, but she doesn't. Someone who truly wants to move on and not hear anything from me again does not leave a door of communication open like that. Always 1 foot in, 1 foot out... Currently starting NC, curious if she will notice my sudden disappearance
@jenniferbeste7465
21 күн бұрын
@@memebomber7724 the right person for you will never allow you to get away. As long as two people choose each other, there should be nothing that the two of you together can't conquer.
@memebomber7724
21 күн бұрын
@@jenniferbeste7465 Well it's definitely confusing. She did say she was 'crushing' on a close friend of hers already couple of weeks back. And that she doesn't see us as friends atm. That I need to accept that she wants to move on and let go. But at the same time she doesn't sever the connection completely. Like she doesn't want to lose me. Her words and actions don't align a single bit...
@julieevans3110
20 күн бұрын
@@memebomber7724 Actions often speak volumes, Never words. They’re cheap. As you have well, observed.
@byjohnobrien
20 күн бұрын
The one foot in one foot out is a bad sign. A healthy partner will choose you wholly, even through challenges. And healthy communication is so important. Hope things work out.
@thecorruptversion
20 күн бұрын
"Currently starting NC, curious if she will notice my sudden disappearance" what does this mean? are you going to delete her or block her back?
@palmiccz
21 күн бұрын
I just saw 2 absolutelly must to see videos about DA brakeup. Why it's a lot more difficult to leave them, why it hurts a lot more and why FA's and AP's are internally wired to crave DA's so much. First was "Dismissive Avoidant Breakup | How To Cut The Cord!" from Katya Morozova and the second "Anxious vs Avoidant Attachment Styles & Emotional Pain" from Heidi Priebe. I know both channels for a long time but these 2 videos hit hard. This one is of course also great as always.
@byjohnobrien
20 күн бұрын
Thanks so much for sharing. Yes it's the dismissive avoidant's emotional unavailability that triggers an anxious partner. I'm glad you're learning more about this.
@luketimewalker
18 күн бұрын
@@palmiccz Both amazing channels! Yeah, I find it crazy that a LOT of these videos have just been released. Right when I'm faced with this all - and discovering a rabbit hole that simply wasn't there a few years ago. And in fact in my country, it's something that's barely understood... for the moment.
@johndoe8923-k2d
19 күн бұрын
They do miss you. But when they come back/reconnect, you'll realise they didn't do a single bit of internal processing, deep reflection to understand themselves and why they missed you (all the good things you brought to the relationship, and the self sabotage was due to their own fears, nothing else). This is why we hear stories of multi year avoidant cycles and by most accounts, they do not change, will not self reflect, and continues the destructive behaviour. Its just too scary for avoidants to look within themselves.
@byjohnobrien
18 күн бұрын
Yes these cycles can go on for years and its not healthy. The cycle needs to be broken either by both partners self-reflecting, or one partner leaving for good. Thanks for sharing.
@Andy-cx8ct
22 күн бұрын
she (DA) is talking to a massive downgrade that's the complete opposite of me (they talked for 2 months before we met, she said he was toxic and pathetic and blocked him), when we truly had something special (that she will come to realise). i ended things with her, and she 'moved' on after 2 weeks even though we planned to get back together, and so I begged for a bit. Currently 17 days into NC, optimistic she will miss me even though I probably extended the relief stage by begging.
@nayaroberttodorova5960
22 күн бұрын
They always go to a downgrade
@byjohnobrien
20 күн бұрын
Thanks for sharing. Hope things work out. A healthy partner should choose you consistently.
@haihai5293
22 күн бұрын
Very good and short video. Great job.
@reggief2133
22 күн бұрын
Thank you!
@sarahkhan6742
22 күн бұрын
Amazing job
@jb-ze1yh
5 күн бұрын
so tricky. I share a child with an avoidant person who leans dismissive and narcissistic. I personally dont care about him in a romantic relationship I wont go back to that but he also triggers my childhood wounding. when he needs space from our child and cant connect with him, it makes me angry and I want to "pursue"... I am working through this. luckily our child has a health attachment style because of the work ive done to keep him secure and safe and grounded.
@byjohnobrien
5 сағат бұрын
Glad you're out of that and hope it works out for you and the child.
@jb-ze1yh
5 сағат бұрын
@@byjohnobrien thank you!!! We are happy! ❤️
@luketimewalker
18 күн бұрын
Excellent diagram + energy John, but again you use the word avoidant when it's the Dismissive avoidant you're mentioning. For seasoned viewers it's not a problem, but for people new to this all it will be very confusing. In fact, you mention the FEAR of abandonment in the anxious attached, and that can be a Fearful avoidant too or some mix of Avoidant and Fearful. I know it because I have over a hundred days of very careful study of this topic, having had a DA go poof on me, and realizing through these topics I myself am some mix of anxious and FA. What a coincidence haha. The usual combo it seems... I saw one point of view once, proposing that in extreme cases, Fearful avoidance is on the verge of dismissive. What do you think?
@byjohnobrien
15 күн бұрын
Thanks for sharing. Yes I'll keep this in mind. Yes a fearful avoidant can lean more dismissive depending on the person and relationship. Thanks for being here and I appreciate the discussion.
@luketimewalker
15 күн бұрын
@@byjohnobrien I appreciate it a lot! Glad you do too John. I was afraid of being a bit of a douche (recovering anxious haha).
@Nariethelle
19 күн бұрын
I was talking to this guy for a while and he has expressed that he wanted to be more than friends, I accepted because my feelings grew for him as well. His last texts to me were “I love u” and “Baby” then went MIA. Today marks 3 weeks of not hearing from him and it seems like he blocked me on everything. I gathered the courage to send him one last text to let him know I’ll always have love for him but I have to move on. Funny how he always told me he would never leave and then ghosted me weeks after we officially started dating 🤦🏽♀️I do miss him and i don’t even know if he misses me but I hope all is well on his end , I have to focus on myself for now.
@byjohnobrien
18 күн бұрын
Doesn't sound like he actually loves you if he blocked you and went MIA. Someone who loves you will show up for you. Maybe he is going through something. But I'm glad you're getting back to yourself.
@BlueBlue23
18 күн бұрын
What's MIA?
@byjohnobrien
15 күн бұрын
missing in action, suddenly disappeared.
@BlueBlue23
15 күн бұрын
@@byjohnobrien thanks
@an6516
21 күн бұрын
Its unfortunate how these videos never talk about FA’s
@byjohnobrien
20 күн бұрын
I'll certainly cover FA's in future videos. Thanks for pointing this out.
@johndoe8923-k2d
19 күн бұрын
avoidant videos do apply to FAs. They are called fearful avoidants because the avoidant side wins in the end. Their anxious side is easy to understand. Anxious people are just, really, insecure, clingy, controlling that normal psychology can figure out easily, which is why content on attachment online is mostly based on avoidants. When they deactivate the dismissive side just takes over. FA's just start missing their discards usually sooner, and the on and off cycle happens way more frequently. Arguebly the most destructive of the insecure attachment styles since they literally display all the bad qualities of both insecure ends.
@byjohnobrien
18 күн бұрын
Very informative assessment. Thanks for sharing this. Yes unfortunately they carry insecurities from both ends.
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