I’m blaaaaccckkk! Had a lot of fun making this one (hence its length lol) hope y’all enjoy it and enjoy meeting Hippie Khadija aka Moonshine. Time stamps are in the description as well as some resources for our dude friends! 💕
@lovablecharacter8167
3 жыл бұрын
Second video I'm watching and love hearing from Hippie Khadija. Noticing she's listening to Abraham/Esther Hicks
@desmanatome2865
3 жыл бұрын
You are just amazing, bless your heart. I love the comprehensive packages you deliver through each episode, Keep shining girl !!!!
@zoez5185
3 жыл бұрын
all I want in this world is to smoke a joint with Moonshine 🖤
@cinnamongirl7519
3 жыл бұрын
I’ve learned so much!
@indigothecat
3 жыл бұрын
I loved the mini-existential internal crisis that Moonshine represents. :) I think everyone has that internalized hippie forest spirit somewhere in their psyche.
@Anesha12
3 жыл бұрын
I work at a domestic violence shelter and this is a message I have been trying to get out. I’ve seen how men hurt each other and themselves. Seeing the sons of the abuser imitating his toxic behaviors. We are currently updating our shelter to house men. Unfortunately some of my coworkers are not taking it well.
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
💕💕💕
@brioche8123
3 жыл бұрын
I just started working at a DV shelter not too long ago. I took some classes on it my last couple semesters. I wish it was as simple as snapping your fingers to break the cycle. My shelter houses men and everyone seems fine with it
@allister.trudel
3 жыл бұрын
You mean it'll start housing men who are victim of domestic violence right?
@Anesha12
3 жыл бұрын
@@allister.trudel Correct
@shabakahouse2125
3 жыл бұрын
We are suffering the consequences of this now.
@pri2x0x
3 жыл бұрын
As a male therapist with mostly male clients, you have no idea how on track you are with your points. No matter what issue the client comes to me with, we always seem to orbit back to masculinity and how it needs to be deconstructed to value wholeness and connection with others. It's so easy for men to blame feminism and womanist movements when patriarchy is so much more ingrained and internalized.
@m00nwalker32
3 жыл бұрын
I agree massively
@gabbyb9418
3 жыл бұрын
@@nharber9837 omg people who try to speed up the grief process just because they're more stressed out their friend/family member needs something from them than being sad that their friend/family member lost someone close to them make me sick. So you are more distressed that this grieving person has needs than actually feeling empathy & helping them feel what they need to feel in a safe place? Like they're just inconvenienced by your emotions so they want you to just stuff it down so they don't have to deal with it. Those people suck.
@ayanomar1408
3 жыл бұрын
@@gabbyb9418 I thought those poeple cannot be real! untile a close friend told me to “get over” my father’s death🥴 thus was almost 4 months after he passed
@chatnoir9038
3 жыл бұрын
@@ayanomar1408 Wow that is super sh*tty... I'm sorry that happened to you
@camillefaith2005
3 жыл бұрын
@@ayanomar1408 What a douche canoe. Hope you dropped him.
@Mezelenja
3 жыл бұрын
I didn't realize indifference was a part of toxic masculinity. I only ever focused on the performative tough guy stuff as being bad, but not the passive 'yeah whatever'-ing I always do when someone I know tries to talk about their feelings and stuff... YIKES
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
I didn’t realize it either till bell hooks
@adio8824
3 жыл бұрын
Huh how is that an inherent trait of masculinity? What? Thats you as an individual, the dismissal of someones emotions isn't really a trait of masculinity. You're mixing bad behaviors that you acted out to be a behavior inherently masculine.
@Mezelenja
3 жыл бұрын
@@adio8824 It isn't inherently a masculine thing to avoid feelings, but I know the only reason i'm avoiding the convo IS because I grew up being taught that talking about feelings is seen as 'soft'. So for me it 100% has to do with toxic masculinity. Just instead of being like "Fuck outta here with that soft shit." im all "Damnnn, that's crazy." and being purposefully unresponsive.
@adio8824
3 жыл бұрын
@@Mezelenja so it's your idea of what you thought masculinity was? You where going by the misconception of masculinity that was fed to you by your surroundings when growing up? False masculinity was the start of your down fall. It's more of a false masculinity than "toxic masculinity" mainly because it was from your idea of what you thought masculinity was that you operated from. Most often than not people aren't even toxic but operating from the false narative of what they think masculinity is, Nothing to do with actual masculinity.
@syl59281
3 жыл бұрын
@@adio8824 sounding a bit defensive there. Toxic masculinity is taught. I don't think anyone is saying that all masculinity is toxic, or that the toxicity is inherent - it's specifically toxic masculinity that's toxic. And it is "false" I agree, I don't see any contradiction there. I agree that anyone can be toxic, but in this case we're talking about common harmful things men are taught about what it means to be a man. That's bigger than an individual issue.
@SunlightHugger
3 жыл бұрын
My dad (a big ol' Mexican-American Marine) has finally started opening up in the past several years, and we've realized he's such a soft boy! He loves things, he gets emotional over movies, he cracks more jokes, and we've never seen this side of him because he's been stuck in an environment where he had to be The Man all the time.
@Mikey-jv5fv
3 жыл бұрын
@Omni-Man More like he’s more comfortable with expressing himself and what he’s into with his family. I think it’s very sweet.
@benjigalvani
3 жыл бұрын
100% relatable
@TheFriendlyPsychopath
2 жыл бұрын
Don't ask Don't tell?..🤔
@laranadesign4764
2 жыл бұрын
Awwww, he is liberated!
@pedrohenriquedadaltdequeir4859
2 жыл бұрын
This happened to my dad as well. He had really closed himself off in previous year, created this tough persona for himself, which for me it was clear that he was just thoroughly insecure and feeling abandoned. It's really sad that we have to go through that to be respected by our peers. Recently he's opening up and letting he's vulnerability out, and being thoroughly supported through it 🥰
@thomasolson1154
3 жыл бұрын
"a lot of men use their partner's as therapists" and that is why so many recently divorced men commit suicide, they are to afraid to be vulnerable and they have lost the one person they felt comfortable around.
@NewBlueTrue
3 жыл бұрын
Quite sad. Men should be able to talk to their friends instead of expecting women to solve/support all of their emotional problems. I’m not saying they shouldn’t be vulnerable with women, but that burden is too large for one person to bear
@lefu87williford55
3 жыл бұрын
Men dont have friends or family they are close to very often either.
@lefu87williford55
3 жыл бұрын
@@NewBlueTrue its why men dont live as long. They dont have friends. They invest all of their social needs into their spouse.
@NewBlueTrue
3 жыл бұрын
@@lefu87williford55 Bad idea for men to do that. I personally don’t expect any one friend to provide me all of my social needs and if I am in a space where my friends aren’t close by I try to find someone to talk to. It should be socially acceptable for men to do the same.
@lefu87williford55
3 жыл бұрын
@@NewBlueTrue yeah thats the point. That it kills them makes it evident that it is a bad idea. It should be socially acceptable for men to depend more on friends and family for their emotional needs.
@Daniel-dl6cu
3 жыл бұрын
As a male I find it SO HARD to be friends with men, maybe it's the conservative area I'm in but women are so much easier to talk to. I would love to be friends with men but there's this instant guard that comes up and it's very frustrating and sad. I'm also a gay man and have no idea how to date men....even gay men have trouble with vulnerability.
@CommunitySage
3 жыл бұрын
So honest, thank you 🙏🏾
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
💕
@brian_Austin27
3 жыл бұрын
I'm a bi Male but find it very hard to stay in friendships with other men or even date I never really had a proper relationship or friendship with other guys because it always goes left, I made one Male friend in college(straight guy) funny and an awesome guy was kinda falling for him and started distancing myself from him because I know all to well how the story goes falling for ur straight Male friends. At this point I don't think I have any friends cause I haven't talk to him in 2 years to 3. I don't know if he still considers me a friend its sad😞😒😒
@bobble13345
3 жыл бұрын
@@brian_Austin27 Dude, I relate to you're story so much. I'm sorry you had to go through that, the same thing happened to me just with a girl instead of a guy. It sucks when you fall for you're friend and they don't feel the same way towards you
@moisesibarra
3 жыл бұрын
@@bobble13345 off topic but we have the same last name
@LadySmilez25
3 жыл бұрын
“This is why you wait to get married to go to the park!” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣I CAANT 🤣🤣!
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
I should’ve listened
@JulianSteve
3 жыл бұрын
LMAOOOOOOO that took me out😂‼️Great video overall🙌🏾‼️
@thecianinator
3 жыл бұрын
Real talk, this is also why men wait until you've been to the park to open up emotionally.
@JBC352
3 жыл бұрын
@@KhadijaMbowe nah, I mean how would you know if your park preferences are compatible with your partner’s unless you’ve gone to at least a few together, right? 🤷🏻♀️
@bq-9238
3 жыл бұрын
ikr 🤣
@PortraitofAsha
3 жыл бұрын
It's interesting, I was watching this video like...is she talking about me? As a black woman , I was socialized to hide my emotions and give off a facade of "toughness" or "unbotheredness". I've never felt safe to show any vulnerability...the few times I've done so, I've literally been mocked, laughed at or dismissed.
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
same sis, same
@PortraitofAsha
3 жыл бұрын
@@KhadijaMbowe perhaps toxic masculinity doesn't necessarily have to be attached to a particular gender seeing how black women are socialised and/or advertised as masculine
@moshi1189
3 жыл бұрын
True. People do also tend to think that black women can take anything, like cruel comments, jokes and more. Also, our societies tend to be emotionally reliant on black women in a way that's not reciprocated.
@tybooskie
3 жыл бұрын
A word.
@birdiewolf3497
3 жыл бұрын
Yeah, recently my cousin had a brain tumor ( and then later died), I cried when I found out, only for my mother to be like don't cry why are you crying? Like we aren't allowed to cry when something objectively horrible is happening. And it is the same thing with my sister first with the moving around that they did, and then her going to university.
@CatHasOpinions734
3 жыл бұрын
As a feminist who is white, I loved your description of White Feminism, I think it's the most concise explanation I've heard for the problems with the "here's how to get the same 6 figure salary your brother and father and other white male relatives have" style of feminism.
@sin3358
3 жыл бұрын
I didn't fully understand it but the way i see whitr feminism is that white feminists have only gender equality to worry about while feminists of color had other areas to work on, such as racism, other than just the sexism, making both groups try to work on the same cause, but just that one other group had more issues to also work on which didn't belong to white feminists to deal with since it was never their issue
@brennam954
3 жыл бұрын
@@sin3358 I think that's exactly right, Sara. The feminist movement has a long history of not being as inclusive and reflective of marginalized women. But this current wave of feminism really delves into intersectionality, the oppression of all people (including men, nonbinary, trans, etc.), socioeconomics, and gender binaries. White feminism lacks that depth and complexity; it sees the world as women just needing to become equal with men on an economic level (and by primarily seeking to gain the privileges of white men). It is a feminism that really can only be achieved by white women, but it also is just a brand of feminism that is outdated, lacks complexity, is overly reliant on materialism/capitalism, and is unequipped to really tackle or address outstanding obstacles to acheiving liberation for women (which requires liberation and respect for all people).
@caseyjones2812
2 жыл бұрын
@@brennam954 That was an amazing encompassing thought that really puts my feelings and thoughts into words. Well said.
@cl0ckw0rker
9 ай бұрын
I believe that feminism as a movement is outdated and insufficient to help achieve true gender equality. For one thing, most feminist conversations rely on a male/female binary of genders that does not exist; imagine being trans or agender in a movement that barely even acknowledges you.
@griffinc466
3 жыл бұрын
Not even two minutes in, and the description of Narcissus as a fable about a lack, rather than an excess, of self-love already has me shook. I had to pause the video to absorb that. Great work
@tei4724
3 жыл бұрын
Yeah, that had me musing for a good few minutes lol
@shaggyd00kale58
3 жыл бұрын
That's the biggest misconception of narcissism. It's not self obsession it's a complete lack of any form of secure identity of the self outside getting approval from others to fill the void. It can manifesting as self grandeous behavior but it's just a defense mechanism for immense internal suffering.
@AndrewTominac
2 жыл бұрын
@@shaggyd00kale58 exactly
@AndrewTominac
2 жыл бұрын
@@shaggyd00kale58 I loved her interpretation so much. It wasn’t necessarily new to me, the idea, but seeing it explained in a poetic way like that felt enlightening.
@lyrablack8621
2 жыл бұрын
As an (undiagnosed) narcissist, I actually do love myself, every disgusting crevice and every radiant edge that catches the light. As such, I don't seek to destroy my relationships with others or anything like that; I just want to stare in the mirror all day lmao. Unfortunately I'm contained in a human vessel that requires social interaction with others of my kind to maintain homeostasis; but this is just my two cents as a narcissist who's put in the work to get past my internalized shame of existing and the maladaptive coping mechanisms I invented to cope with it. Unaware narcissists, who feed into their shame rather than address it on any meaningful level, I do believe the myth of Narcissus encapsulates them in the sense that it's only a surface-level appreciation of themselves. I'm just saying it's not the case for all of us, especially if we're self-aware.
@gabriellacosta897
3 жыл бұрын
wow you're such a breath of fresh air on youtube, it's rare finding commentary channels without the "why i'm right and you're wrong" content. The fact that you're gorgeus is a plus!
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Thanks so much! And yea I don't really ever think I'm right about anything lol just very curious
@julka3079
3 жыл бұрын
Your comment deserves more likes! So underrated
@audreydayton7042
3 жыл бұрын
I know right?? I just found her page last night and have been BINGING. Also, agreed. She is absolutely beautiful!
@JulianSteve
3 жыл бұрын
Facts‼️In my channel, I try to balance the pros and cons... My channel though is more on my point of view, especially when I have the facts to prove it. I maybe reconsider and look on both perspectives more often thanks to your comment here🤔💯
@mountainharpie
3 жыл бұрын
And truly, so smart!!! Keep doin what you're doin!!
@janinek5258
3 жыл бұрын
I've been in 3 serious relationships with men. One of them was never able to open up to me, one didnt have that barrier and was able to tell me his thoughts and feelings, and the other took time. I asked him a lot of questions over time and he answered me to the best of his ability. We learned a lot about each other through that. I feel so bad for the men who dont think that they can open up. I hope that the world allows them have feelings besides anger as time goes on
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Me too
@mauricionovae8484
3 жыл бұрын
Unfortunately when it comes to men being attractive to women emotional stability is very important in a man on a biological level. You have to develop traits of a desirable man to increase your likelihood of succeding with women otherwise you may be out there A LONG LONG TIME(like 100 'no' straight)... which sometimes involves cutting off anything that would make the sale even harder than it already is....of course nothing that is an integral part of oneself because thats not authentic or sustainable. The loving impassionte immovable object is a sign of Emotional Stability. If you appear that way it means you're reliable. Reliablity is just a indicator of security which is one of the basic needs of women. Resources Security (emotional, financial) Emotional stimulation (possitive and negative) Validation Motivation (be inspiring...admirable) So with those being the metrics a mans value is measured by, many men attempt to act in a way that highlights these qualities ( may be disingenuous) and try to eat their misery until they implode(hurt themselves) explode (hurt others) or find resolutions. Suppression is never good. so a man must develop coping mechanisms(proper or not), objectivity, and the ability to resolve his own inner emotional conflicts when facing the world and women to counteract the emotional and mental strain in a way that does not emotionally impose on the woman if he wants that relationship to be sustainable. Loading down women with your emotions is a negative thing to do as a man because they already have their own to deal with.....and while many women think they want the openess they more often than not prefer to see men overcome the challenges instead of complain about it...superman must not bleed (unless it's for her)....and superman must not cry (not even for her) ..... because super man is what inspires women whether they want to admit that or not.....women need men they can believe in because sometimes women live vicariously through their man........they wanna see men be great even if the challenge is the woman themself because his greatness is their greatness.
@mauricionovae8484
3 жыл бұрын
@Eve R. thanks😂. Of course she did mention a pretty good bit of that in the video as well.
@tiarezavaleta8850
3 жыл бұрын
@@mauricionovae8484 1. You are not a product to sell to women. 2. Superman is boring af.
@mauricionovae8484
3 жыл бұрын
@@tiarezavaleta8850 We know we're people...But we cannot control what women are attracted to or want from us. 1.we can only highlight those desirable qualities we do have. 2.Try our best to obtain what we don't have of them.....within reason as you dont want to be a people pleaser.....its honestly what most men should be doing for themself anyway. 3.wait until someone likes it as is....but often times thats settling on the womans part...women do not like "projects" ...especially women who carry the relationship horror stories of their mothers, sisters, and aunties on top of their own experiences.They want the butterfly not the larva.....and you can't blame them... we all have our our preferences and its in the nature to do whats neccessary to capture what our heart desires. Or 4. quit women if its too complicated (but the resentment is an issue) These are your choices. It could be simpler and superman is definitely is boring af ....also second choice (batman & wonder woman) ....but superman is safe, reliable, stimulating, and admirable.
@GrandmotherWindsoftheEarth
3 жыл бұрын
Oh darling...Spiritual Khadija is me 25 years ago so I am quite invested in her lol. My daughter recommended your channel to me and I am delighted to subscribe. You have so many good strong things to say and say them so very well. Life is complicated and I feel that you understand that. Blessings from Scotland xx
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
I giggled reading this because I am glad she has some fans haha!
@mindy56374
3 жыл бұрын
That was my fave part too. Cos I was so that girl LOL
@alim.9801
Жыл бұрын
You sound like a very awesome lady :)
@nikolasslead6582
3 жыл бұрын
The great thing about being a trans guy is that I got to do 'feminine' things like .... have emotions as a child, but the shitty thing is that I then decided that fitting every toxic male stereotype was the best way to tell everyone that I was 'valid' as a man. Thankfully, I figured out that 1. that's stupid and 2. cis people that wouldn't respect me without the performance won't respect me any more with it.
@jordan-my2vl
3 жыл бұрын
period!
@noorykorky5056
3 жыл бұрын
Most definitely. And as a cis person, I respect you, brother; I hope other cis people will stop being drenched in their hate and ignorance or faux "feminism" if they are TERFs and start to respect you and other trans and non-binary people in this world. You all deserve so much love. 💗
@phillipth3deystroyr758
2 жыл бұрын
YES
@AndrewTominac
2 жыл бұрын
@@noorykorky5056 your comment genuinely brings me joy
@williamtayor9530
2 жыл бұрын
totally, well said xx
@momo-cchi5978
3 жыл бұрын
"The rage of my female ancestors telling me to KICK this coloniser out of my bed." 💀💀💀
@pri2x0x
3 жыл бұрын
ahem park bench***
@tutyjallowsarr6484
3 жыл бұрын
Beauty in the way the story is reported
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you 💕
@menace7339
3 жыл бұрын
@@KhadijaMbowe really enjoyed listening and learning
@pseudonymphmusic7721
3 жыл бұрын
I agree :)
@heavenlystarboi2697
3 жыл бұрын
As a black adult male, i have grown up with some of these stuff, cause (sadly) i can see and have seen a lot of this stuff is common. Like the fact my mom raised me and my sister, alone. Reasons? My sister's dad and my mom simply didn't get along after a while, and because of some conflict between them they broke up. (And also his mom was really racist, and my older sister being lightskin black/mixed, the anger and bad threatment made the whole relationship just NOT work.) And my own dad? Well, he passed away when i was 5, he was a pretty old man tho. (RIP) And yeah... My mom didn't know how to properly raise a boy because she never did it and was alone. So being physically and psychologically abused by her own bad days, few mine and even sometimes by my own sister too, taking all of that pain as a not even 10yo kid and all the "stop crying cause i'm a man" and "stop being violent" or "being angry" this n that was trauma inducing. (As in Trauma, i mean that when a woman has a "rage moment" or starts speaking up, i basically cower in fear. Yup.) And also grew up on bad schools n grew with barely any friends and some are gone cause TOXIC n stuff, they all called me ret- cause of those "Bipolar" anger fits. (I ended up breaking classrooms and putting people on the hospital. I was blinded by anger, couldn't stop.) And with my mom just saying to doctors "give him a heavier dose n make em shut up" was the solution and never did i speak when i couldn't. (Monthly Drug injections) Only of recently i have began gaining inner peace and happiness with a new doctor, actual working medication, an actual good psychiatriss, none of my mom's interferance and only now, as a 22yo i can finally get diagnosed with "Bipolar Depression." Don't worry people who read, i'm fine and getting better! But yes, it was hard growing up, but it won't be hard anymore! ( Also i can't speak of relations cause *never had em* )
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for being so open, I mean that. (heart)
@heavenlystarboi2697
3 жыл бұрын
@@KhadijaMbowe I just try my best to not be closed on a safe place, and i have seen that this is not just really safe, but really comfy! I'm loving it here so far Aunty, thank you 🙏🏾 i mean it
@GhoulishGrime
3 жыл бұрын
I'm hoping for the best for you and I'm proud of you for fighting for yourself. GL!
@heavenlystarboi2697
3 жыл бұрын
@@GhoulishGrime Thank you very much, im doing my best 💛
@heavenlystarboi2697
3 жыл бұрын
@@petravalkonen9973 Thank you, honestly, i appreciate it 💛🙏🏾
@priscillamenezes7688
3 жыл бұрын
A 40 minute video? Girl you're spoiling us 😭💖
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
There will hopefully be more like this
@semipresenternebelmitmulti8836
3 жыл бұрын
Wait.. what 40 min? Wow time really does fly when you’re having fun huh
@jadejerry2013
3 жыл бұрын
"You are not your thoughts, you are the AWARENESS of your thoughts." My therapist said the same thing to me last week but the way you said it hit different! Love the vibes!
@Someone-rm9ix
3 жыл бұрын
I never realized how harmful the system is to men until I came out as trans. I was raised as a girl, I never had to hide feelings or act tough... Then when I came out as trans, all the boys in my class saw it as their manly duty to introduce me to their disturbed world of putting on a show, competing, and insulting each other. I could see that their insults were supposed to be taken as complements. Their "don´t be a pussy" was supposed to be a "we think you are valid as a man and support you". It was all just so twisted. Layers within layers you had to decode to get to any true feelings at all. Just observing how they tried to act around me once they saw me as a boy felt so damn lonely, isolated and desperate... To this day, I have made exactly one cis-male friend I feel moderately comfortable around. And even that one´s more of an acquaintance.
@noorykorky5056
3 жыл бұрын
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know another trans man, but he did not go through such an experience. However, he never wanted us to tell anyone either. My parents, uncle, and the cis woman who is now his wife knew him when he was female as well, but he transitioned before my uncle got married, and he asked my uncle not to tell his wife or her sister about him being trans-- or anyone else really that did not already know. I think that is also truly sad but in a very different way... He is also of Saudi Arabian descent, as in, he is (I think) a first-generation immigrant whose parents are Saudi. And while his parents, his friends (including us), and family accepted him pretty quickly when he came out as trans, he clearly does not feel comfortable letting anyone else know... most likely because of both Saudi Arabian and American culture...
@g.o-fish
2 жыл бұрын
@Dirk Walter What do you mean by weakness? You people always point to emotional vulnerability, honesty with how you feel, intimacy, seeking friendship, & why are these negatives? Emotional and physical vulnerability is part of being a human being, there is no "weakness" there that can be purged. Telling others how you feel and expressing emotion is a necessary part of social life, we evolved to be part of a community. Intimate conversations and relationships are part of being mentally and physically healthy. Friends are the people you can trust, who make you not lonely. Why try to purge these things like a toxin? It's self destructive, and is the antithesis of masculinity.
@g.o-fish
2 жыл бұрын
@Dirk Walter This is completely irrelevant. Society expects everyone, men moreso, to be strong... And you still have not explained what you meant. What weaknesses between men are required to be purged through toxic, harmful treatment? It's not a weakness to be honest to yourself or others about how you feel. This seems like some desperate attempt to hang on to the idea that manhood is proven through showing no pain or care about suffering. Very sad
@werewolf4358
2 жыл бұрын
@@g.o-fish while I'm obviously late to this convo, I'm pretty sure the person you were replying to was not endorsing, but attempting to explain the male tendency towards insults as a form of social connection. To summarize my understanding: boys/men use insults as a 'safe' way of attempting to help guide self-reflection and 'toughen up' their friends whom they care about. Also, I'd like to mention you came swinging into this convo with a whole lot of unwarranted aggression.
@sassyqueen9739
2 жыл бұрын
Lucky you where I live even girls are seen as weak if they showed emotions literally a girl can cry and they will be like “ all girls are weak” when they literally break there ps5 because they lost in a game it’s ugly and hypocritical
@oneigboboy
3 жыл бұрын
As a man born and raised in Nigeria, there's a whole lot of reasons we kind of live within the whole "toxic masculinity". Personally one of the reasons I feel it is hard for men to open up is besides the whole idea of always being masculine so not to show any signs of weakness, we are legit scared of dropping off so much burden on someone/anyone. We feel we are meant to deal with our own problems and find solutions to it on our own. The idea of therapy sounds great on paper but some of us feel like even the therapist would not understand where we might be coming from as well. For example: I currently live in Canada and I had a friend of mine go for therapy cause he was having issues with his parents. The therapist advised him to cut off his parents. As a Nigerian, he said the first thing that came to his mind was "lol yeah you not Nigerian, you obviously don't know how we are culturally" and he stopped going to therapy cause he felt they were never even going to understand where he was coming from. I've also had issues opening up in my relationships cause I see how my partner reacts over what I deem miniscule problems. If I had to open up about quarter of a fraction of what I am personally going through, idk if she might be able to handle that. Like you said, you had been dealing with someone who refused to open up for a while and shorty after he started to open up, you dipped. Now idk if that's the reason why but someone like him who might have been previously scared of opening up might become even more secure cause he might feel like that was part of the reason it ended (assuming he wasn't the one who called it off). There's a lot to this that I can't even relay through just this comment. I just came across your channel yesterday., been binge watching the videos. Love the content. Doubt you'll even see this. anyways have a good one
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
I’d say your friend should try and look into a black male therapist? (Assuming the therapist he found wasn’t black.) Sometimes it can make all the difference from a cultural perspective.
@robinnilsson9487
3 жыл бұрын
Thats a bad therapist o.o therapists should never tell a client what to do, its their job to help the client know their own feelings and use that to help them navigate difficult situations with differentiation.
@ljeans531
3 жыл бұрын
@@robinnilsson9487 exactly!!!! And also, he may not realize this but, his own thinking is apart of the toxicity as well. That men feel other people and romantic partners are not strong enough to help you carry your burdens.☹ Women have to be seen as equals before you can begin to trust them with your own burdens, and you don't need to unload on someone, if someone cares for you, they will help you carry the load. It's a constant cycle of men feeling that they are the only cornerstone in their lives, but remember a foundation has more than one cornerstone.
@raymeester7883
3 жыл бұрын
I am Nigerian and I live in Nigeria. Sometimes, cutting off your parent or family members is necessary. Probably life-saving.
@oneigboboy
3 жыл бұрын
@@raymeester7883 and I get that bro, but when they are your source of livelihood, its easier said than done, you get?
@oghoghoasemota893
3 жыл бұрын
To add to this, this explains a lot of the takes out there of the jealousy men have towards women. Why they feel they can only express themselves (especially the IG comedians), dressed like women and mimicking us. Cuz they are envious of the space we get to be more human than they are.
@rahma6992
3 жыл бұрын
yo u worded it so welllllll it's perfect
@brioche8123
3 жыл бұрын
They perpetuate the issue in so many ways. A lot of times when you try to get them to be human and empathize, they’re so resistant to it! It’s destroying them and everyone else
@thecouncilonYT
3 жыл бұрын
I don’t support that but i do envy the way women and children how they are loved unconditionally unlike what society and everyone else tends to reminds me of my lack of importance when I don’t fit any of the criteria’s they fit me in as a black male of South African heritage. Still tryna create that lane for my self.
@brioche8123
3 жыл бұрын
@@thecouncilonYT of course children should be loved unconditionally but even that isn’t always true. But to say women are loved unconditionally is sooo false. Do you not see now much misogyny is everywhere? Especially online where people can hide behind profiles and computer screens? How many women are victimized constantly and by people they trust.
@thecouncilonYT
3 жыл бұрын
@@brioche8123 Yes with children that’s a given and it’s unfortunate in those cases. I was abused as child mentally, physically and emotionally from my pre teen years up to early adulthood. I still suffer the damages those experiences caused me at 24 and I can’t afford the necessary therapy to heal the open wounds I have to walk with everyday. With women it’s still more than men because there are so many messages that promote the ‘take me as I a am’ rhetoric. Where women can still demand to be loved regardless of how they behave or whether lifestyle is unhealthy. Let me be under 6ft and over 300lbs and demand that I should be loved for being ’Toxic’ and see the amount women that would look at me with disgust. (Btw Im 6ft 2 197 lbs) Yes there is misogyny and a good amount of men that behave that way. I know a couple. My mother has been a victim of violent men in her past. I personally don’t condone any male friends that have misogynistic views on women in my circle. Because I understand not all women are the way that they perceive them. I don’t see enough conversations being had about Toxic femininity and the implications that it has on men in society. Why is it men commit suicide more than women at a ridiculous rate? I could have been part of that statistic with the amount of times of I’ve attempted. I’ve been victimized by plenty of people I trusted in the past it’s why I live in solitude and isolate myself. Because the same acceptance and love that is awarded to women for being women I’m told I have to work for it. And If I don’t I’m not worthy to be loved. I’m in one the most awkward places ever where I’m a straight cis male, I don’t identify with LGBTQ+ community. I’m a South African in Canada where there is not enough people here that i identify culturally here with and if there are any it’s white South Africans. There is plenty of west African and Caribbean culture everywhere because there are plenty of them in these parts especially Toronto and western media loves them off. Which yes we are African but Totally different in culture and ideologies. In terms of emotional maturity and empathy amongst the men I know. I’m probably the most developed in that area compared to them and most men in this climate of society but those are not qualities that are really appreciated from men. Because I don’t show toxic behaviours and I’m a very emphatic man and apparently Thats not masculine enough. It’s a lonely road and I walk it.
@yohanna2398
3 жыл бұрын
Y'all cant tell me this doesn't deserve way more views
@ljeans531
3 жыл бұрын
It really does, send it to people
@poocrayon4588
3 жыл бұрын
Yes I can. It’s a typical video of a feminist woman talking about men and other women agreeing with her lmao! Just another feminist circle jerk for the girls.
@jt5837
3 жыл бұрын
This is such a good conversation to have. It has been especially weird for me as a trans man, being "socialized" as a girl I am pretty good at expressing my emotions. But my experience has often been that the girls who were interested in me were turned off by this, they said I was too sensitive and they preferred "tough" guys. My current girlfriend said it was a breath of fresh air that she doesnt have to pry emotions out of me. It's so wild how society conditions what we seek in romantic partners
@robinholmes9549
3 жыл бұрын
Yeah, I feel you. I think I'm looking at the same situation from a different view. I've been socialized to not express any emotions (anger or sadness) but be fluent in others emotions. As a gay trans guy it seems like men seek me out because they want to be with a man who can help them through their shit and they're scared to do that with masculine, cis, and/or straight men. It can be difficult to navigate gendered expectations as a trans person, especially in intimate relationships.
@jt5837
3 жыл бұрын
@@robinholmes9549 that's also pretty much been my experience when I've dated men. it was always conflicting for me because I'm happy to listen and I was glad they felt safe with me but at times it felt like I was being treated differently than how they'd treat a cis guy and that made me uncomfortable
@jordan-my2vl
3 жыл бұрын
yess! the female gaze vs male gaze is also rlly coming to mind for me rn. men think genuine women want a tough guy, no emotions, a rock, when the female gaze depicts men as able to be emotional, not invalidating, understanding, and open!!! from what ive heard, men think theyre entitled to women when they follow the female gaze, when they arent. but women often do fall subject to the male gaze and when theyre forced to have that put on them, theyre more likely to view men through a male gaze because its been pushed on them so much. am i making sense? this is just my observation as a cis woman.
@heracrossz7701
3 жыл бұрын
@@jordan-my2vl people don't value what they get easy so it's normal to think that even in the female gaze women wouldn't like to be with men that are emotional if it is easy to get to that point, they probably appreciate this much more if it comes "naturally" and takes effort from them to get men to open up,men probably on a subconscious or cultural level are aware of this so they put a price on their emotional vulnerability which tends to be conditions,actions and/or favors that women have to do. As a cis men it can get frustrating that women want you to open up sometimes it seems to be a fetish specially since i personally struggle to get tears out even when i am really sad
@esmeraldagreengate4354
3 жыл бұрын
@@heracrossz7701 you don't have to cry to be open.
@Aaron-uf8lv
3 жыл бұрын
im not a man but i'm trans and ive been raised as a man for all of my life so far; this video really helped me recognise the ways in which the way i've been socialised has affected me, so thank you so much for making this.
@musashi542
Жыл бұрын
ur still a man dude , stop the cope
@nat6098
3 жыл бұрын
I've heard the collection of traits in toxic masculinity called limiting masculinity which I think is both more accurate and less likely to get an immediate defensive response that blocks conversation.
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Ooooooh I love that!!
@charliekahn4205
3 жыл бұрын
I would instead call it, "paradoxical masculinity" since it essentially forces men to do the exact things masculinity is supposed to prevent.
@meg1468
3 жыл бұрын
This is fantastic!
@KangMinseok
3 жыл бұрын
@@charliekahn4205 How so? In heteros, the purpose of masculinity is to attract a female mate - toxicity is just the by-product but does seldom prevent attracting a mate, in fact, wmn often seem to be either indifferent or further attracted by toxic components such as the display of male violence, power or dominance etc., as long as it is directed at weaker males...
@AceOfROMs
3 жыл бұрын
Imagine being a guy and having feelings? Wild
@deralpakakrieger7377
3 жыл бұрын
Well sometimes we're hungry and thirsty you know :)
@fagioli7063
3 жыл бұрын
@@deralpakakrieger7377 Don't forget angry >:|
@evan_sunprince
3 жыл бұрын
@@fagioli7063 and horny. God forbid you not want to assault a woman at any moment.
@pretty948
3 жыл бұрын
Drake SunPrince soy boy shit, real men assault women 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼
@freerights6695
3 жыл бұрын
@@pretty948 lmao
@auroramokey8270
3 жыл бұрын
just from hearing these factors in how these boys are raised This sound like how a lot of young black girls are raised especially if shes dark skin. not allowed to show emotion, having to be tuff and having to help out in the househld aka a lot of responsabilities are trown on our shoulders from a young age and if we cant handle it we are punished. im saying this because of the masculinization and defemenization of black girls/ woman. and it is truly damaging to a human being to treat them like this. wow...
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
I definitely thought that when I first read Real’s book!
@jvnnvh
3 жыл бұрын
Straight up just explained my childhood
@barbara_LL
3 жыл бұрын
man that's so real, my mom is a black woman with dark skin and she definitely has suffered this "you must shut down" thing ever since she was a child, she literally can't cry in front of others because she don't want to seen weak. that is so toxic for both man and black girls
@avadarkness666
3 жыл бұрын
@@jvnnvh mine too! I've never thought about it in these terms tho. I was a tall athletic dark skinned girl but was treated like (and beaten like) I was a dangerous threatening man (even though I was very sensitive timid, passive and shy 12 year old girl), that had to be kept in check under threat of violence by nearly all authority figures.... 😒 not allowed to cry. If I cried, only more abuse to toughen me up. I call b.s. on young black children being robbed of being robbed of the ability to just be children.
@KingpinCarlito
3 жыл бұрын
Wow that give me a whole new perspective I’ve never thought about
@Soul-em1qh
3 жыл бұрын
Opening up to romantic partners was extremely difficult for me personally. For one, I've always been extremely in touch with my emotions, so I've experienced pretty much all the "man up" stuff from an early age from family, friends, the media, etc. That was the first thing that made me feel like I had to hide the part of myself that cries a lot, loves romantic cute shit, enjoys cooking, cleaning, and taking care of animals/children. But the reason(s) romantic intimacy specifically used to scare me is the fact that, in my experience, most women I've been with either lost their attraction to me after I displayed emotions other than anger, or would use my insecurities, fears, etc. against me later in an argument. And having been a misogynistic little shit, I generalized all women to be this way and it doesn't help that I would be in these red pill/incel communities listening to a bunch of other dejected men validate my most negative and unhealthy thoughts. Now I can love openly and freely after realizing that women aren't a monolith, and even if I get hurt in the dating process, there's definitely women out there looking for the same honest, loving, mutually supportive relationship that I am.
@glitteriable
Жыл бұрын
I know you commented this a while ago but I hope you’re doing well! I hope dating is going well for you.
@UparmoredClownCar
3 ай бұрын
This is a huge problem. I have had the same experience with dating and it has basically turned me off of trying for the last couple years - opening up has been ROUTINELY used against me within intimate relationships, even after it was specifically requested. It's frustrating for sure
@TheLaughingDove
3 жыл бұрын
I've been watching this "healthy gamer" psychiatrist dude who talks to streamers and something that I find horrifying is that a lot of these guys physically DO NOT KNOW how to tell what they are feeling, how to talk about it, what the words are to express their most basic needs with one another, growing up as a girl, even an autistic girl, I watched little girls at 6-10 have the kinds of conversations with each other and the adults around them that this therapist was having to handhold grown ass men through, and I was horrified, and I feel like we are failing them (culturally, mind, individuals are obviously a more nuanced story). Some of them know and are malicious but so many of them are products of this kind of profound, horrifying emotional neglect on a cultural scale and it's killing not only them, but people around them. It's messed up!!! It's so wild. Watching those videos is long and harrowing, but it is buckass wild to see what kinds of conversations happen. On the other hand it's hard to help them because the defence mechanisms are radioactive. And these behaviors aren't exclusive to men, they can turn up in anyone who is holding masculinity as a goal or a standard to which they have to reach... It's so complicated
@natasha8007
3 жыл бұрын
Beautifully put. Humanity has honestly failed humanity.
@Griot-Guild
3 жыл бұрын
Yo link to his channel? Sounds interesting
@schae1298
3 жыл бұрын
Yeah can you link? Also thank u for your insight on this matter💖✨
@Kaybye555
3 жыл бұрын
@@schae1298 Lool for Dr K he's a great guy and his videos are amazing
@brandonrobinson8169
3 жыл бұрын
kzitem.info/news/bejne/xq-gmYp-oqtmoIY
@beetljam792
3 жыл бұрын
bruh the freshness of your opinions and quality of your vids is astounding, love u
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Thank youuuuu! Means a lot 💕
@melonnelon855
3 жыл бұрын
Love her too😭😭
@lloroshastar6347
3 жыл бұрын
On this subject, I just watched a video by Pierre XO. He didn't critique society but talked about it on a level of personal experience and the experiences of other men he has spoken to. He said he has discovered that in the past when he has expressed personal grievances he has been told to man up, stop being so emotional, take it in your stride etc. That men showing emotion is considered overwhelmingly unattractive at best and narcissistic at worst, almost never is it considered a positive thing except in therapy. I can attest to this as someone who isn't a typically strongheaded guy, when people say idiotic, ignorant things I get angry, when they repeatedly mock and insult me or take swipes at me or people I care about I get angry and upset, when I feel lonely or underappreciated or all the awful things in the world get me down I feel down, I even cry sometimes. Pierre's video was certainly very far from uplifting, but I have to ask, how can things change if people don't practice what they preach? If the overwhelming majority of men and women mock men for being emotional, how can we progress as a society. I've been told to stop whining and complaining multiple times by men and women when all I've done is expressed my unhappiness. I've been told over and over again I'm not doing things to help myself, but the trouble is I lack the motivation in myself to help myself. In all honesty I'm reverting back to type, I'm feeling pressured to bottle up emotions again, I tell myself daily to be more motivated, to do more to help myself, but I don't get anywhere with it, and the more I bottle things up the more unhappy I feel, but it's either that or risk being mocked or looked down on as being weak. I know we can't expect everyone to change but it would be nice for all of us if we stopped jumping to conclusions and assuming all men are expressing their unhappiness because they are narcissistic or they are using their emotions as leverage. I just want to function as well in society as anyone.
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
💕💕💕 very well said and very honest! I don’t have any concrete answers, but this video was my attempt to call myself out on the ways I’ve neglected men for feeling neglected by them. It’s a tough and vicious cycle. I think all we can do is work on it on an individual level, and hope that ripples out on the macro...it’ll take time though. 💕
@coscorrodrift
3 жыл бұрын
I've just watched said video (if it's "I Don't Share My Feelings as a Guy & This is Why") and I do think I agree with all of what he said. Thanks for the recommendation/shoutout. I do get your frustration and I too have felt the same, but the truth is that I probably have caused the same frustration onto others. Yeah, I've been insulted and mocked for expressing my feelings, sometimes IMO in deserved ways, others not so much, but I also have low tolerance for emotional things that people tell me, I don't really know how to react. Not sure if it's cause of the patriarchy, if it's just my type of personality, but I just can't react to that in a healthy way. I don't mock (now, i'm not sure if i've done it before, but maybe i've done it), but I still don't know how to handle things. I do think the world would be a better place if... but I'm not gonna be the pioneer. I'll keep bottling up my feelings and pray I get to unbottle them every once in a while, like Pierre said, with the homies, maybe a therapist if I feel like I can pay for it. Because, honestly, trying to be the example and be vulnerable and get mocked for it, feels awful. I will try to get better at the receiving end, though, and try to encourage sharing and especially not mocking, but even that is hard.
@lloroshastar6347
3 жыл бұрын
@@coscorrodrift I'm lucky, I've found a friend who doesn't judge me, she is understanding and I feel I'm able to talk to her, and I pay her back in kind, I listen to her problems and support her in any way I can. It's certainly helped me deal with the most intense relationship I've ever had (ended nearly two years ago now but took me forever to get over it). Perhaps the measured approach is best, don't offload everything onto someone straight away, give it time and develop trust.
@beatriceroosmark
3 жыл бұрын
Listen to Alan Watts till you cry of happiness that you are alive and get to experience life. I do this every few months 👍
@yafreisisegura9948
2 жыл бұрын
Get comfortable with being seen as weak and vulnerable and build a community of men who feel the same way. People will tease you but you'll be better men for it. Be the stepping stone for dismantling patriarchy. Be brave.💖💖
@jayjones3539
3 жыл бұрын
I've been thinking a lot lately about myself and my actions when I was younger. I used to be a young conservative christian and never allowed myself to question the things I saw as much as I do now. I am dealing with a lot of guilt for the kind of person I was. I have been dealing a lot with my identity as a man. I feel as though I have nobody to look up to. I am a man raised by other bad men, encouraged to do "manly things" like hide my emotions, and do anything to protect yourself and those that you love (even if it means harming someone else). Lately I feel like I'm coping with this by saying that I don't really identify with men anymore, but I wish I could. I feel like I have always been able to bond with them very deeply, but the kind of hurt we do to each other and those around us makes it hard for me to say anymore. I hope that men can come together eventually to redefine what it means to be one, but until we do, I don't think men as a whole will develop into healthy people until we do. P.S. I love this channel and you! These essays are extremely eye opening and I really value your perspective. Thank you!
@onewayticket2148
3 жыл бұрын
Honestly, you coming to realize what society and other people have taught you is not entirely right is about the strongest thing you could’ve done. It’s about the strongest thing anyone can do. The hard part is breaking a cycle that everyone seems to neatly fall into. Always remember that you are your own person, and that can’t be taken away from you as you explore your own version of manhood and masculinity. My best wishes to you!
@nkechi0122
3 жыл бұрын
I know this comment is 4 months old but I just want to say thank you for sharing your experiences.
@-S.L.
Жыл бұрын
An amazing example of a positive male role model is Adam Duff from the channel LucidPixul, btw!
@glitteriable
Жыл бұрын
I know you said this a year ago but I hope you’re doing well and working through everything successfully :D
@alim.9801
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for being so open and personal with us, it sounds like it's been a rough road to figure out your identity and masculinity. I'm also really proud of your self awareness, but don't let the guilt get to you too much. It can guide you towards being a better version of yourself, but don't let it take over. You're a new person now and you can be whatever you want 💜
@jct6634
3 жыл бұрын
Growing up as a gay man, it definitely always felt like a lot of the backlash I received was because I was perceived to be “failing” at masculinity, or being what society expected a a man to be. The gender policing/rigidity can hurt men as well as women, and it’s an interesting way to show how men can also be hurt by patriarchy. As always, your videos are always incredibly insightful and well constructed-thank you for sharing :)
@HamazingKayliee
3 жыл бұрын
I was also hetero for a time...or so I thought
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Lol amazing how many of us have been there
@marialarson1711
3 жыл бұрын
Comp-het is a hell of a drug.
@cosmiclovetravelagency
3 жыл бұрын
+1
@juliet1495
3 жыл бұрын
Looool a mood
@naomiyilak7959
3 жыл бұрын
Holy fuck I have stumbled upon a goldmine with this lady's channel. I'm 17 and I'm very confused by the conversations that take place around feminism and toxic masculinity and stuff and you put a lot of stuff into perspective for me. I'll keep researching and stuff cause this is too interesting but damn please don't go away cuz u r awesome. Love from Ethiopia. Ooh and the stuff about white feminism, NAILED IT.
3 жыл бұрын
i love love love how you contextualised this whole discussion, im fascinated by masculinity tbh, there's a whole area of gender studies that looks at it, it's a lot more complex than usual conversations abt "toxic masculinity" imply. i mean the way it intertwines with race and sexuality.... "dude you're a (f slur)" by cj pascoe is a really good case study of the performance of masculinity in teenage boys btw i love your conclusion, especially on empathy. i keep thinking about it in the context of prison abolition, because it's so difficult to think about the person who harmed you with empathy, and i think that's where a lot of "men are trash" discourse comes from. i've been reading about "heteropessimism" or "heterofatalism" and it's super interesting. i don't have a point to this but if you want "on heteropessimism" by indiana seresin really goes into it and "in defense of men" by sophia giovannitti is kind of a rebuttal and i feel it expands it beyond the binary your video essays are just 👌🏾 keep em coming
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
👀 ohms goodness! Thank you for this!!! I’m so fascinated by conversations about masculinity too so I will FOR SURE be checking her out and just all the other terms you mentioned.
@lefu87williford55
3 жыл бұрын
I think you are right about empathy. Men repress their emotions because they fear they will be abandoned or attacked the moment they show that they are struggling and need help.
@lefu87williford55
3 жыл бұрын
Most prisoners are nonviolent offenders, and enabling prison rape as a sick form of institutional punishment just gives rapist more victims who did nothing to hurt anyone and can't get away.
@unexpectedspider
3 жыл бұрын
my mum was one of those 'feminists' that thought she shouldn't super gender her children (aside from the clothing), but instead treated my little 'girl' self how people normally treat young boys. me and my younger brother were given masculine toys and were allowed to watch the gender neutral (which practically means 'for boys') shows. i got all of the bob the builder and lego i wanted, but missed out on the twelve dancing princess and bratz dolls.i find it very interesting how much i relate to how these boys were raised. i only just recently learnt how to be emotional with another person and this was after going though therapy and being an afab white person who is 'allowed' to be emotional with another person. it was very hard for me to learn that skill after becoming an adult and i can't even imagine how hard that is for teen boys and other people who aren't permitted to being emotional
@onewayticket2148
3 жыл бұрын
Do you think your mother did you and your brother wrong by raising you guys that way? Just curious. How do you think she could have done better in raising the both of you. I want to do the best I can for my future children and not force gender roles on to them, but in doing so I also don’t want to end up causing harm to them in any.
@unexpectedspider
3 жыл бұрын
@@onewayticket2148 in terms of just gender things. i think giving your kids media and toys meant for different genders is better than choosing just one. i feel like there is no difference between ‘gender neutral’ and ‘for boys’ in our society. see normal lego (for anyone) and then the lego friends (which is for girls) being emotionally honest and allowing your children to express their emotions is the most important thing. and to make their emotions be valid and to not shame them for expressing emotions. when i would be upset, my parents would do the ‘i’ll give you something to cry about’ thing (i.e. hitting you or some other punishment) - just don’t do that. that teaches kids that if something is wrong, they should hide it because they’ll get punished for just being upset. another top tip: DO NOT TAKE AWAY YOUR TEENAGERS BEDROOM DOOR BECAUSE THEY SLAMMED IT ONE TIME IN ANGER. this takes away their privacy and invalidates their emotions. my parents tried their best, but it wasn’t good enough to make me not traumatised (but that’s the norm for any autistic person ahahahahh, i hate it) tldr: give your kids options for all gender interests and expression and allow them to express their emotions without shame or punishment
@gazlives
3 жыл бұрын
Was your mum emotionally distant. Lots of cuddles and reassurance? . It’s a well known phenomenon that children are emotionally stunted if a parent is distant.
@jordan-my2vl
3 жыл бұрын
if i change my mind and decide to have kids or a kid, ill definitely not put pre determined gender roles on them. not meaning they cant do more feminine things, or masculine things, just that it wont be expected of them to do something associated with gender.
@gazlives
3 жыл бұрын
@@jordan-my2vl great I also hope you won't pull them back if they happen to be very feminine or very masculine in their personality type. as some people are. it's not all social construction right.
@stephaniehorn1029
3 жыл бұрын
I am heterosexual, and the last relationship I was in I didn’t get any emotional nourishment. Soon after, things fizzled out. A good friend said what went wrong. I told her that some men only have a certain amount of love to give, then they are all tapped out. Listening to you helps me understand so much more. Thank you...
@GottEddy
3 жыл бұрын
Did you want to change him?
@serenity6831
3 жыл бұрын
The score. The editing. The dialogue! Your are a creative genius
@Damionte
3 жыл бұрын
This probably doesn't mean much. I'm just a random black Gen-X man on the internet. This video just spoke to me. In fact without even noticing it, I must have watched HOURS of your video essays today. I don't even remember what I was watching before youtube started auto playing your videos for me. I'm so glad they did though. These essays are just so well done. They're both entertaining and informative. Just know that as a random individual on the internet I seriously appreciate the work you're doing here. (( As I am typing this I happen to be watching your "Cuffing Season" video. )) And you got to that line about my fellow Libras and I just snorted root beer laughing. So... thank you !
@lizzyfredrick2363
3 жыл бұрын
I remember being a shy kid who didnt talk to a lot of people as a kid. The weird thing about is that I thought it was cool that I tried not show any outward emotion. This is because whenever I did have any outward emotion my older brother would taunt and tease me for that. Showing feelings as a kid would make you a crybaby or gay. That made me lock it up. I remember trying to tell my best friend that I loved him in the sense that he I appreciated him as a person that made my life that much better. It felt awkward because part felt like there was an inherent wrongness with that statement.
@lordpizza4391
2 жыл бұрын
As a man I can say that at times it feels like there's a thick veneer to get through before you actually start to even feel yourself and be aware of yourself. Most men keep themselves busy to distract from the desire to claw at the shell because all they want is to feel something, but they're scared to.
@advisorywarning
9 ай бұрын
This is so well said. I have noticed this with a lot of men in my life! And it applies to a lesser extent to women as well. And then when a time comes that you can’t distract yourself anymore, or keep super busy or self medicate, it really takes a lot of digging deep and investigating yourself in order to get to a place of true peace!
@shellees.8202
3 жыл бұрын
Yes to not having the “emotional energy to do it”. Dating someone emotionally unavailable, particularly someone actively working at being closed off, becomes double the emotional labor. Which I’ve found that some men like. It’s a hyper, over-the-top reinforcement of gender roles. The “emotional” woman longing to connect with them as the “strong” man.
@mcsaism
3 жыл бұрын
That joe rogan clip got me so heated lmaoo I couldn’t focus for a min
@lynnhettrick7588
3 жыл бұрын
I’m glad that visible men, like Chris Rock and Anthony Anderson, are normalizing therapy for men. As well as shows like This is Us.
@jacerivera4811
3 жыл бұрын
Men are definitely taught to toughen up and that they shouldn’t be “sensitive”. This needs to stop everyone feels pain and trauma and need to be vulnerable
@augustaseptemberova5664
3 жыл бұрын
Personally, I don't think there is such a thing as "overuse" of an expression/concept, and I also don't think such concepts lose their meaning via repeated use , but via (intentional?) abuse. I'm autistic and it's a bit hard for me to explain what I mean, but please bear with me: The sociological concept "society" can mean slightly different things to different people, and it's been used a gagillion times over centuries, but somehow has never "lost" its meaning. The sociological concept "toxic masculinity" has only been around since the 1980/90s, has a pretty narrow meaning, but still somehow already appears to have "lost" meaning during that short time. Why the difference? Because "society" is "neutral", in a way "static", and non-threatening to the status-quo. "toxic masculinity" however gives name (=causes awareness) to a problem, it calls for change, and thus may be actually or perceptually threatening to someone. Now, if you feel threatened and want to prevent change, you can go for open oppression, which will "out" you as the oppressor, may cause the oppressed to unite in resistance, and which actually may catalyze the change you're trying to prevent = risky. A much more effective, because subtle, approach is turning the oppressed against each other using a trick as old as the Bible itself: the Bable effect (dunno, if this is a thing, I may have made it up just now). Bable effect means: Disseminate multiple false and/or opposing meanings of some concept into the general public, create misconceptions and misunderstandings, watch said concept "lose its meaning", as people bicker over semantics, take sides in that artificially created conflict, play the blame-game, up to the point of outright hostility. Now they're too busy fighting each other, and lose sight of the actual problem. I've seen this happen with multiple social-justice issues, but with "toxic masculinity" it was most prominent for me. I only ever heard the term right after the Gillette commercial release. Watched a leftie yt video explaining and contextualizing it, read up on it online. And only an hour or so after that yt vid was up, dozens if not hundreds people showed up commenting that (paraphrasing:) "the left/feminism/women will never erase masculinity" and that "men are the true victims of society/feminism/leftist agenda" etc. Those commenters obviously hadn't watched the vid, or read up on what "toxic masculinity" actually means and entails. So I asked, where they got their wrong ideas. And sure as hell, they came from tweets/vids/forums by some d*ckheads from the alt-right or the menosphere. When I asked them along the lines of "are you aware that 'toxic masculinity' actually does acknowledge men as victims of the patriarchy .. and as the perpetrators .. just like it treats women as both victims _and_ perpetrators? " Most just responded with a rehash of their wrong ideas, only two (!) guys actually understood that they have been mislead about the meaning. Anyways, *tl;dr* : I actually think that "over"-use of these social justice concepts is helpful and necessary - each and every time with an explanation/contextualization what that concepts means. I don't think using a word often wears it out (see: "society" example), but abuse wears it out. We can't stop the abuse of such words, but we can limit the damage of abuse by correcting the misconceptions via repetition+correct contextualization.. ad nauseam if we have to.
@averysumi5784
3 жыл бұрын
Wow, what an incredibly well written and thought out response! I’m glad I saw this comment because I was trying to figure out why I felt a disconnect with her saying terms can be overused. I knew I disagreed but I couldn’t put words to it, however the abuse of words strung along and thriving due to misconceptions and straw man attacks lays out a huge indicator of a wider issue on awareness, change, and correction. Anyways, super insightful! I enjoyed reading it.
@ima.m.1658
3 жыл бұрын
This was an important perspective to consider, and I agree with you! Like the terms racism, misogyny, homophobia, etc., toxic masculinity is a term that should be used when it applies, because the people who actually have racist, misogynistic, or homophobic beliefs (that may just be unconscious) need to be able to learn that they need to look into and change something within themselves rather than get defensive and angry that someone is calling them a racist, misogynist, or homophobic. Hearing such words being directed towards them (as long as they're not being yelled at) shouldn't make people get into defense-mode, it should allow them to want to grow and do better.
@aubreetanner9543
2 жыл бұрын
@@ima.m.1658 Yeah, there was a homophobia debacle in my sorority last year, and it mainly revolved around two really homophobic girls and all the wlw in the house, yet when any of the other girls talked about it, their issue was that the word homophobia was being "thrown around too easily". If you pressed them on it, they would just ask "How is it homophobic," and when you explained, they would just disagree no matter what. I'm curious to know what they actually deem homophobia because I suspect nothing short of a hate crime (and only if the perpetrator explicitly said it was cause they were gay).
@aubreetanner9543
2 жыл бұрын
I agree. I would argue that in order for a term to lose its meaning, it would have to be used in the wrong context. I have never seen toxic masculinity used in the wrong context ever. I'm not even sure what other context it would be used in. I'm a woman, but I got really defensive when I first heard about toxic masculinity because I was like "So when women are struggling it's men's fault, and when men are struggling, it's also men's fault?" And the answer is "Yeah pretty much." I mean there is a difference between men and the patriarchy, but other than that, yeah. I think a lot of men (and conservative women) treat men's issues like a they're a counter-argument to feminism, like "men have it hard to, so are women really the ones who are pressed," and when it turns out that men's issues aren't caused by women and men really do have the power, they can't accept that because that goes against the very reason they cared about the issues in the first place. The people who really give a shit about men's issues because they care about men and not because they want to shut down feminism are almost always feminists.
@DoomShrm
2 жыл бұрын
This happened to me. The concepts themselves weren't bad, but they were terribly advertisec
@thatonequietgirl
3 жыл бұрын
Makes me feel like I should cherish my neuro-divergent partner more, because with that comes so much honesty. Sometimes it scares me and overwhelms me how open and honest he is because my family operated with white lies, insecurity, and vanity. Lots of depression in my upbringing, so when I finally feel what it's like to be loved unconditionally...its almost bittersweet because now I must reevaluate how I show love and how to take accountability for my self absorbed tendencies. Everyone's feelings deserve to be nurtured, it doesnt matter how critiqued and attacked you feel when you fuck up and are called out on it. Self reflection and awareness is so important.
@IshtarNike
3 жыл бұрын
Lol at Joe Rogan getting it *exactly* backwards for the 1005th time.
@brennam954
3 жыл бұрын
And men watch his videos and repeat his uneducated, unuanced, thoughtless bullshit like it's some profound knowledge. It's so frustrating but also sad. Like Joe Rogan and similar IDW men are their heros.
@malum9478
3 жыл бұрын
@@brennam954 black men are not in love with jre like that dude, trust. the kind of black men that like jre are the black republican types already, but he doesn't have an incredibly large black audience last i checked.
@allinewell4754
3 жыл бұрын
Honestly one of my favorite videos of yours so far cuz it introduced a perspective I rarely consider
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
We love to see it 💕
@JubeiKibagamiFez
3 жыл бұрын
I'm not even sure what masculinity is anymore... I'm not sure I ever knew to begin with. My father worked all the time and when he wasn't working, it was nothing but aggression and emotional abuse. I never learned anything worth while from anyone else, I didn't really have any friends because I was bullied for being poor, but I was poor because my father insisted that I go to a catholic school. I had to purposely flunk my freshman year of high school just to get out of that system. I don't know what masculinity is, but I know that what toxic masculinity is. It's manipulation, isolation, aggression, and consolidation of everything in the least amount of hands.
@annajoy3323
3 жыл бұрын
I’m so sorry that you had such bad experiences. I hope you can get to the place where you need to be. ❤️
@JubeiKibagamiFez
3 жыл бұрын
@@annajoy3323 When I get going, I get going. Deep wounds never really heal, but at least I can use it as a learning experience to raise my own son to be better.
@the_famous_reply_guy
2 жыл бұрын
Masculinity is the ability to suffer silently and smile.
@jammin9061
2 жыл бұрын
@@the_famous_reply_guy if that's the case then most women I've met are more masculine than men lol
@DoomShrm
2 жыл бұрын
But what makes those things inherently masculine.
@Yrie27
3 жыл бұрын
Re the partners trying to break through men's shells: I have tried this. A lot. I have realised that this is not emotional work that I can do. It is not my job. I am not their therapist. I can talk to them about it but THEY need to do the work.
@whome1409
3 жыл бұрын
Yes. I can't be an emotional dumping ground. They leave feeling better while I'm a wreck.
@jordan-my2vl
3 жыл бұрын
@FallenAngel thats not what we're saying. we're saying if you ONLY view women as your emotional help, and you dont give the same support you expect from them, thats an issue.
@DoomShrm
2 жыл бұрын
@@whome1409 what makes you a wreck about hearing how men feel?
@DoomShrm
2 жыл бұрын
@@jordan-my2vl so If I do give the same support. If I listen to what you're saying, will that be reciprocated? In my last relationship the girl told me a lot about her problems but when I voiced some of my insecurities I was called stupid for feeling that way. Is it acceptable the other way around?
@blooms454
Жыл бұрын
@@DoomShrm I see you responding to a lot of these comments. It's not acceptable that your girlfriend treated you that way. If she turned to you for emotional support and vulnerability and you provided support, but she didn't do the same for you, then that's not okay and I hope you can find a relationship that provides mutual emotional support and love. This comment thread is talking about a common experience women have with being viewed as a savior, of sorts, in relationships with men. Oftentimes when men don't open up or don't know how to regulate when they do (not all, but a lot unfortunately), the partners are often viewed as the ones to help them fix it. Either they have to break the emotional unavailability barrier or they have to deal with the toxic byproducts of the lack of emotional regulation that men have. It's fine to have a mutually supportive relationship, however a lot of women have found themselves to either be mothering or therapizing their cis male partners because their male partners have not learned how to deal with their emotions. That's why these comments are saying that men have to do the work with therapists and it should not be their partner's job to fix each and every single emotional issues that a lot of men have. That's all that is being said here. You cannot deny an experience that a lot (and I mean a lot) of women have had with their men.
@epicmusicz
3 жыл бұрын
I love this video, as a young white man I grew up during the "SJW owned compilation" KZitem Era. It led to me being angry with feminism and racial equality because so often I was told in those spheres that I wasn't allowed to have an opinion and was horrible because I was a straight white male. I eventually changed, but I hope this video gets to someone who was like me. The understanding and compassion is greatly needed and appreciated. ❤
@destine1547
3 жыл бұрын
This needs more views!
@linbankslb
3 жыл бұрын
The algorithmen brought me here. 3 years ago i made it my mission to have repetitive exposure of people looking like me and here we are. The effort, the work, the research, we see that girl 🙌. Big ups and greetings from Germany❤
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Hallo!!
@lynnhettrick7588
3 жыл бұрын
I’m going to need to watch this 2, 3, or more times because there is so much to absorb and process. I try to live by Oprah’s paraphrase of Maya Angelou’s words: “When you know better, you do better.” I never want to stop learning, growing, evolving. As the parent of two AMAB kiddos, they have taught me so much. My son is so nurturing and empathetic, and I don’t want him to lose that. My daughter has taught me true unconditional love.
@natashaf.8597
3 жыл бұрын
It's so sad. We're born whole people with a wide toolbox of traits and expression, then we're taught only half of what's in there is valuable based on our genitalia. Then we're taught the reason we feel incomplete is because we need to go find what we were taught to throw away in another person. Then we're confused when two people, trained to only express themselves in half and opposite ways don't fulfill, understand, or can't perform the qualities that come easily to our own selves.
@silverlining7112
3 жыл бұрын
I am so scared for my son and I hope I can do right by him. His daddy is not toxic at all (and was raised by a single mom and 3 sisters) so I'm really hoping we're off to a good start. But we can't really influence what he'll hear from the larger environment. Although I do keep him at a distance from my narcissistic family. Ugh, this just makes me want to hide under the covers.
@DoomShrm
2 жыл бұрын
It seems like everyone is scared for their sons nowadays. Some because they fear masculinity will not be preserved. Others because they think its not being broken down fast enough. If I may ask why are you scared for your son?
@rene3759
11 ай бұрын
no one wants to break masculinity. they want healthy masculinity, healthy men, healthy people. those people who want to "preserve it" just want to use men. and even the men who are traditional seem to be showing resentment towards being used and not humanised despite enabling it. this is not an attack getting an injection to be healthy may hurt but it make you safe and healthy in the long run. getting cancer treatment is painful and harsh but it is meant to heal you. Masculinity is not toxic or inherenintly toxic, toxic masculinity is refering to harmful traits, attitudes and behaviours that are harmful to men and to women and society in general that have been associated with masculinty and put as demands towards men or even put as a norm and seen as "natural" to men. healthy and happy men = healthy and happy society. toxic men = unhappy, violent and destructive world. Bad habits can feel natural if you do them long enough especially if you to it as a coping mechanism or escapism from other harm(ie i know alot of men get serious threat if they do not conform to the stereotypes of manhood, which is why as a collective we need to dismantle the environemts that enables toxic masculinity and also challenge the people and culture that wants to harm men if they do not conform to being toxic or who mocks and threatens men for choosing to be their best and healthy selves. @@DoomShrm
@DoomShrm
11 ай бұрын
@@rene3759 I mean most feminists atp argue for the destruction of masculinity because they either 1. don't think its something worth tackling for women 2. want to deconstruct the gender binary as a whole because they think that as long as there are only 2 genders one will always be dominant or 3. They can only define masculinity in the ways that it's toxic and not in the ways that its healthy. So I have a question for you, what does healthy masuclinity look like and how does it differ from womanhood. If there is no difference then you are saying that there is no such thing as masculinity, and therefore in your ideology there is no 'masculinity' to be destroyed, as it is already done. Just look at the comment we're replying under, the woman thinks its a good thing the man wasn't raised around any men.
@jinaolen786
8 ай бұрын
I'm happy to say that I was able to raise two emotionally healthy, masculine sons who also understand the importance of feminism and LGBTQ rights. It's possible as long as you keep listening and teaching as things come up for them.
@babyyodachelsea7034
3 жыл бұрын
Am I the only slow person who thought she was actually at the park 🤣🤣🤣❤️❤️❤️
@babyyodachelsea7034
3 жыл бұрын
@Eve R. 🤣🤣😭😭❤️
@lynnhettrick7588
3 жыл бұрын
Just the first time she said it. Then the 💡 went off. 😄
@nyeguono
3 жыл бұрын
I still thought she was at the park until your comment😆
@babyyodachelsea7034
3 жыл бұрын
@@nyeguono Lmaoo!! 🤣🤣🤣
@Veronique428
3 жыл бұрын
No you are not the only person 😂😂😂😂😂
@SpacemanOutbound
3 жыл бұрын
BEST CHANNEL ON KZitem!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Ahhh thank you!!
@mouzaalkhyeli9278
3 жыл бұрын
KHADIJA! you absolutely outdid yourself on every aspect of this video. I loved it!
@firelion3487
2 жыл бұрын
As a guy, I grew up in a very healthy household. My parents and siblings were very aware of and against this idea of manhood being equivalent to emotional detachment, so it wasn't explicitly part of my upbringing. But even so, it managed to creep into my life not as 'manhood' but rather just as a need to feel like I'm being good to other people. I'd lock up my own emotions any time one of my peers was expressing theirs; it was this idea that if I made myself too vulnerable at the same time as someone else, I wouldn't be able to help them sort their shit. It had nothing to do with masculinity, moreso just a fucked understanding of altruism. And the really shitty part? My surroundings constantly reinforced that. If a friend came to me for help, I'd lock myself down completely and help them, and they were always grateful and kind. If I ever showed too much of my true feelings, it felt like a pity party and I didn't want to humor that.
@fangsabre
2 жыл бұрын
I get this same feeling a lot. My parents were overall very good parents, and the masculinity they taught me I think is much more wholesome than that of a lot of my peers. But it has left me in a position where I find my own nature is to support others, to be a pillar of strength, even as I neglect my own issues.
@viiamor9159
3 жыл бұрын
Videos like this truly help me raise my toddler son. I come from a line of narcissist/ detached men, so I make sure to take precaution and learn what I can for his sake. If you haven't made a video on this topic yet, could you please share your perspective on "relational aggression" in women?
@MocaLykke
3 жыл бұрын
I've been binge watching your videos while working for the last few hours (really loving the energy and the humor. and the general quality) but I'll be rewatching this one later, it really deserves my full attention. I most often take part in the conversation about toxic masculinity from the side of the negative impact it has on young boys and men (especially lgbt+, neurodivergent or disabled men). Not to diminish the experience of women but just because I feel like it's not talked about as much and I believe that we have the capacity to care about both. So I appreciate this video, especially from a fellow "feminist fist-bumping". ^^ As a "nibling" (btw I appreciate the inclusion
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Haha thank you! And if/when you do get a chance to re-watch it let me know! I totally agree that we can care about both and therefore all. Seems naive to some people, but I think it can be done. :)
@emoke150
3 жыл бұрын
So it seems the way men are raised is like a kind of systemic narcissism. Loser or winner. Up or down. In control or not in control. Ok that explains alot
@KangMinseok
3 жыл бұрын
Ask yourself, if you are/were hetero, who would you want as the father of your children (if you would want children)? Toxic masculinity is the result of men trying to satisfy female expectations, if wmn wouldn't value masculine traits that are inherently toxic - power, wealth, physical dominance - there wouldn't be any toxic masculinity. Wmn are the natural gate-keepers of sex and men want sex, so why are we surprised about things like male violence or the gender pay gap as a result of men trying to satisfy expectations...
@marcelabl9229
3 жыл бұрын
@@KangMinseok ??????????????????????
@KangMinseok
3 жыл бұрын
@@marcelabl9229 Men have responsibility for any toxic consequences of traits they value in women and women have responsibility for any toxic consequences of traits they value in men. It's not rocket science, we all try to meet the expectations of the other sex to maximize our attractiveness. The gender pay gap for example wouldn't exist if men weren't more aggressively pursuing higher salaries to the detriment of their female coworkers, and men wouldn't pursue higher salaries with such vigor if wealth weren't a factor that women consider attractive in men. The most 'feminist' thing modern feminist movements could do is advocate for all women to exclusively date weaker, poorer, smaller, more feminine men; achieving this would mean that toxic masculinity would be gone almost instantly. Alas, too many women still reward the "alpha male" types with sex and affection, thereby carrying toxic masculinity and the patriarchy on their shoulders.
@sourgreendolly7685
3 жыл бұрын
@@KangMinseok Feminism isn’t going to advocate to date any specific kind of person because feminism is about equal rights and opportunities for all genders not telling women what they should do. Also, you’re focused way too much on placing blame fam, to the point where it doesn’t make sense. These broad sweeping statements you make are based on the very societal expectations that put people into boxes of expectation like what it means to “be a man.” It’s only when we let go of these expectations that we can move past them, and that has to start on an individual level and build up and out from there.
@KangMinseok
3 жыл бұрын
@@sourgreendolly7685 "Feminism isn’t going to advocate to date any specific kind of person because feminism is about equal rights and opportunities for all genders not telling women what they should do." Then feminism has no right to complain about toxic masculinity. If you don't want to change yourself / your expectations, don't complain about others not changing either. "Also, you’re focused way too much on placing blame fam," It's because women are quick to blame men for toxic masculinity, which is false. "These broad sweeping statements you make are based on the very societal expectations that put people into boxes of expectation like what it means to “be a man.” " That's because society aka men and women always have expectations towards each other. To think that we can live in a society that has no expectations on gender is like saying we could live in a society where no one sees "race". Realistic? "It’s only when we let go of these expectations that we can move past them, and that has to start on an individual level and build up and out from there." We cannot move past any expectations if we use terms like "toxic masculinity", "white supremacy", or "patriarchy", these are all terms that are inherently non-individual and refer to a collective group or "box" as you call it. If we abandon this language, I'm with you, so your fight needs to be with Khadija, not me.
@juliettemck1841
3 жыл бұрын
YOUR VIDEOS ARE THE BEST the research, the points made, the delivery, the everything! so much love edit: i wasn't even up to the power bit! that was so on point. immaculate.
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Ahhhhh! Thank you so much! I had a lot of fun making this one
@deprogramme369
3 жыл бұрын
I played this for my cis white boyfriend ❤️ thank you so fucking much for your labor. I was way too exhausted to explain this stuff to him without researching and traumatizing myself (at this point in time, I’m still healing from other traumas. He has his traumas too and I share some with him, I must say since this video is about the Boys) I hope you have a patreon!! or ca$happ link 👀
@musashi542
Жыл бұрын
i hope he broke up with you
@beckysuperswag
Жыл бұрын
i can tell you now, get away from him. the combination of unchallenged bits of racism and misogyny coming out of a white man and onto a black woman are devastating. leave. no good can come from them, unfortunately. even if we see the best in them. they will choose themselves first above everyone because that’s what they’ve been conditioned to believe. you see it, don’t you? in small stuff he does. you see it.
@deprogramme369
Жыл бұрын
@@beckysuperswag thankfully, i left him shortly after that comment. i barely made it out alive. he was definitely groomed by his neo-na*i family members and refused to acknowledge the bigotry he internalized, guaranteeing that i couldn't stay with him.
@beckysuperswag
Жыл бұрын
@@deprogramme369 damn love, i’m sorry you experienced that ❤️ but your response helps affirm that i did the right thing myself by leaving. i hope you are doing better, sending love your way. you are worth all the times it takes to heal
@deprogramme369
Жыл бұрын
@@beckysuperswag thank you thank you 💖 the love and grace we show ourselves is the purest for sure
@glorifiedperson9665
3 жыл бұрын
We as a society, as people for centuries have robbed men of their emotions, of one of the things that make us truly human. Men can’t and won’t express their emotions for a fear of backlash, they don’t want to be “feminine”, they don’t want to be “emotional” because from the early years of their childhood we told them that it was important to be masculine as a man but also that it was bad to be anything else. We told them that “men don’t cry” but they were just kids, we said that they were girly if they weren’t aggressive and we justified it by saying “boys will be boys”. Not too long ago, I was talking about preferences in dating and I mentioned how I didn’t like facial hair on men and everyone around right away just assumed that my man would be girly or gay... like wtf, also this other time I mentioned to a friend how I didn’t like “bad boys” and that I liked a man that wasn’t aggressive, that didn’t deal with drugs or do dangerous things and I was met with disgust, I was talking to a girl btw. Since when did we start seeing being “bad” as a masculine trait or being aggressive and hostile? I really do think that people expect men to be a certain way but when they actually are that way, they want to go and rant about toxic masculinity. Here in Toronto, where I live, the boys are so scared of being seen as feminine or gay. I was doing this guys hair once and he’s a friend so I wanted to play around and to put his hair in a ponytail, and this guy literally fought me before he let me do it because he was afraid of being a “batty boy” which basically means gay. We were the only two in the room. Anyways what I’m trying to say is instead of mocking men for being the way we TAUGHT them to be let’s take a step back and really address how we got here in the first place.
@painunending4610
Жыл бұрын
I don't keep my emotions hidden because I see it as 'feminine' (because they're not, we literally all have them). I just don't want to annoy people or bum them out. I don't want to make them do emotional labor
@allye4228
8 ай бұрын
It’s not that men can’t have emotions it’s that society limited what emotions men can express. Society is very tolerant of men being angry and lustful.
@watching7721
6 ай бұрын
How much emotions is considered good depends largely on one's social class. The poorer the class or at least being of a certain class, the more stoic they are out of survival basically. Throughout modern history, factory workers in the Victorian age, slaves of various kinds, soldiers of the destructive wars and revolutions and regimes that mired the 16th-21rst centuries were in positions where holding back emotional expression was a matter of survival or better for them than facing the horror they experienced or committed. Meanwhile, upper and middle classes tended to be more open with emotions because of more stability with exceptions. This partially explains why they were almost always the great artists and storytellers. In my opinion, WWI and WWII especially led to a cultural form of restriction that applied to multiple social classes which arose for multiple very complex reasons, but to put it in basics it has to do with a culture of conformity enforced by fear in the Cold War, affluent consumerism which was reinforced later by globalization, and media that came as a result
@tanaicannon5843
3 жыл бұрын
Lawddd - Issa and Lawrence's whole relationship was a messsss😱😱😭😭😭 Therapy was needed for both of them.
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Where’s the lie though...
@_goopho
3 жыл бұрын
From millennial aunty to millennial aunty: your work is *chef's kiss* the research skills, the oratory skills, the clarity, the charm, you got them all ♡
@noodlez9825
3 жыл бұрын
i like spirituality, i like gender studies, but i was so confused by hippie khadija. 😭
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
I am often confused by her too lol
@noodlez9825
3 жыл бұрын
@@KhadijaMbowe whoa i didn't even think you'd see this comment! omg! :O
@ElDaCreatrix
3 жыл бұрын
I think this really connects to the “strong black women” archetype that society holds to a lot of young black women. I think it’s just really interesting how all of these images and facades center around the loss of one’s true self and disconnection from our own spirit. But I love your videos as they really are eye-opening, informative, and super funny at the same time❤️❤️
@gentleman-kl3rp
2 жыл бұрын
I have so many issues with being a man. I’m kinda tired of it tbh. Last year I became enby to not have to deal with all this shit, but I would still feel, think of myself and even want in some way to be a man so I went back to cis. I like the feeling of safety and power that comes with being a man. It’s exhilarating to feel powerful , and being a man can give you that feeling but also a whole lot more baggage. That quote from the book is so true: a state of permanent competition. For me it happens only with other men though, with women I’m completely chill (kinda) so I can be completely vulnerable. The all-or-nothing competitiveness happens especially with other men that I think could like go head to head with me in the mating market (this term makes me feel very icky but idk how else to describe it). I absolutely can not be vulnerable with those guys, I get in this state of mind of trying to be charismatic and cool, or just indifferent to shut down my feelings of insecurity I also have another weird relationship with a different type of men, feminine men. I guess other men feel this too but I wouldn’t know because we never talk to each other. With other men I get a really strong urge to have sex with them, even more so than with women. But it’s a really power-play kind of sex, I want to be on top of them. Almost like I’m trying to reaffirm my own power and masculinity by going hard to the park with them. Now I’m thinking if this is a similar mechanic to the sexual assaults that happen in prisons, it’s not about the sex but the feeling of power. Also, I’ve been SO isolated the past couple of years, like hardcore isolation, and that took me to watch SO much porn. And there is nothing that transmits patriarchal values like mainstream porn, it’s like a laser beam that burns the word D O M I N A T E into your brain. So yeah these are some of the thoughts I had during your 10/10 totally amazing video. I wish I had some cool meaningful emotionally rich and deep friendships with some men Stay strong, power to the people, stick it to the man (not sexually)
@cominroitover80
3 жыл бұрын
One of the reasons men, or at least speaking for myself, do not open up to women who are romantic partners is a lack of trust and an inability to relate. My idea of a romantic partner is someone to hold, someone to walk at the park with someone to please, someone to span time with, and really that's about it. Deep philosophical conversations about emotions don't pan out well for me with women, a lot of it has to do with the fact that most women I encounter seem to have this deep need for comformity, for belonging and a tendency to engage in public shaming of people to a greater degree then men do. You're damn right I'm scared of them, even if it might not be for the same reasons a woman is scared of a man. I've had multiple times where a woman has asked me in the park "what are you thinkin about" with a sly smile, and I always say "nothin" because if I let them know what activities I do in the park, well then I'd have to trust that they don't spill it and make me unemployable for most of my life (look at Army Hammer, waste of a cool name fuck.) There is no human being other than a therapist who is legally bound that I trust with some of that information, because as far as I see we are 3 or 4 arguments away from everything I've opened up about being used as a weapon against me. That is why the answer is "nothing". Sorry if I'm ranting but I feel as time goes on I have fewer and fewer people to talk to about things like this. 4chan was fun until I grew up. Now I have nothing in common with them. Everywhere else is just some popularity contents where you have to state your name and ethnicty, gender blah blah blah blah. As for feminism, it all feels (emphasis on feels because feelings are good apparently) very patronizing to me. "come out of the darkness of patriarchy and come into the bosom of feminism! you'll be warm there, channel all that toxic masculinity into fighting patriarchy" Ever watch male feminists for an extended period of time? They are an interesting bunch. They often adopt the most toxic traits that they consider "femininity" and use it as a cloak for their darkest desires and tendencies, and they get no respect. No one respects them, therefore they are incapable of changing minds and 'fighting the patriarchy.' I ask myself. Why the fuck would I want to be that? In short, what is a man but a miserable pile of secrets?
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Well I will say, that last sentence was very powerful. This video (honestly all my videos) are about me trying to understand things. This time it happened to be men, so I appreciate you being actually quite open and sharing your experiences.
@robinholmes9549
3 жыл бұрын
I feel for you.
@SuperSpectrom
2 жыл бұрын
Dude, are you me? I feel the exact same way about almost everything you said. Are you also a black dude? If so, I think you just might be me lol
@nombresuperlargodeprincesa
3 жыл бұрын
Brilliant! So thoughtful, assertive, kind, funny and creative. You can really tell how much work you put into this. New subscriber right here!
@loveandwater
3 жыл бұрын
I just can't get enough... girl I hope you get something like a Netflix show... you and @TeeNoir are easily two of the best voices of your generation.
@sonorasgirl
3 жыл бұрын
Just to add to the “indifference being a toxic masculine thing”, if you read any John Gottman (he’s a researcher and extensively studies romantic relationships and what makes them work/fail) one of the behaviors that leads to a romantic relationship failing is stonewalling - that “I don’t care, it’s fine”/emotionally shutting out your partner habits. WOMEN AND NON BINARY FOLK DO THIS TOO, don’t come for me 😂, but it IS done more by men. This is to shut down more vulnerable emotions - shame, hurt, sadness, betrayal - that men can feel when confronted by their partners. It’s COMPLETELY understandable when you’ve never been allowed to express emotions other than anger and don’t have tools on how to communicate, and even done as a way for guys to protect their partners from their own anger (which, even though not effective, is sweet) but...it just ends up harming their partners, relationships, and themselves anyway. This is the consequence of patriarchy. It hurts EVERYONE. Also obviously not excusing people who emotionally/physically/otherwise abuse their SO, just saying it contributes and makes sense because of the system.
@freyadavis3287
3 жыл бұрын
I just wanted to say.... Girl. Your hair is always giving me LIFEEEE
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Thank youuuuuu
@jenntwoN
3 жыл бұрын
I think this is one of the best explanations of "patriarchy hurts everybody" that I've heard!
@SBvilleHaus
3 жыл бұрын
I was nervous going into this lmao but definitely agree. Especially with addressing the problem at its root because patriarchy in general is deleterious to ALL GENDERS and can be perpetuated by all genders!
@natasha8007
3 жыл бұрын
A female professor in a feminist studies told us that to dismantle the patriarchy we must recognize how it victimizes men as well as women.
@Doctor-Infinite
2 жыл бұрын
@@natasha8007 great professor
@noorykorky5056
3 жыл бұрын
28:49 - 28:53 "You are not your thoughts; you are the awareness of your thoughts."
@karinwahlrab3377
3 жыл бұрын
I went through a period of time where it was an easier school of thought to reduce masculine-identified people to negative caricatures, even some sort of faceless "enemy." But I couldn't hold on to that feeling for very long, because humans really are complex beings - actions cannot be taken at face value, but must be put in the context of the complexity of personality and history. I love this video because my ideal social space would include honest, relaxed, authentic communication between all people. Not that such an idea would be a means to an end of patriarchy, racism, sexism, oppressive bx itself - but that it would go a long way in allowing people to make honest evaluations of each other, rather than judgements based on stereotypes. Awesome video as always!!!
@xavierrodriguez1370
3 жыл бұрын
I used to suffer from internalized homophobia and thus, toxic masculinity. I realized that it's stupid to suppress my sexuality and emotions and now I try to be more emotionally open and to allow myself to be feminine. But sometimes I find myself annoyed at my heterosexual male friends for being emotionally open as well. I realized that I still have the idea that masculinity and emotionality are mutually exclusive and that I only allow my self to be emotional because I don't consider myself to be masculine. In the end I think it's important to allow everyone to be emotional and open.
@larkin2890
3 жыл бұрын
this video was brilliant. and you're a scorpio moon tooooo??!?!? we LOVE. we ADORE. you deserve the MOST.
@emilyonizuka4698
3 жыл бұрын
omg when you talked about being in relationships with men...so relatable! looking at the most abusive men I've been with, I definitely feel like they had the most trouble with their masculinity (maybe because they're water signs idk). so like I try to have empathy but also don't want to get stuck in an abusive relationship which is an interesting thing to balance.
@Golden90960
3 жыл бұрын
I shared this with my entire family and I am nervous to either receive their reactions or be ignored completely by them. I fear their shame response will trigger immediate defense mechanisms instead of giving your content a listen first. I find this to be a masterpiece of compassion, intellectually insightful, honest and overall, educational. Thank you, Khadija 💗
@advisorywarning
9 ай бұрын
How did it go? I would be far too nervous to send something like this vid to my dad.. you’re brave! 🤣
@carmen8958
3 жыл бұрын
you’re deadass my favorite channel, you’re attention to making everyone feel included and heard, even the intro just by you adding niblings to it like i don’t know any other you tubers who do that. just wanted to give you some props, because it’s well deserved! i learn soooo much from your videos, and somehow you manage to make me feel like we’re friends having a deep convo and not me listening to a video essay. keep it up sis we love to see it❤️
@zep4814
3 жыл бұрын
It is refreshing to finally see a female influencer talking about the perspective of male feminists on the patriarchy, as the only other video was by philosophy tube (who then still presented as cishet-male), which is quite academic for the average person.
@ashy1587
3 жыл бұрын
I like the term psychologichal patriarchy, because it acknowledges how it affects everyone. I feel like the term toxic masculinity makes people think only of men, but even as a young girl I personally tried to imitate the aggression associated with toxic masculinity in a subconscious attempt to move up the patriarchy.
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
It’s so true, I think we’ve all done it to some extent
@paulroberts9425
3 жыл бұрын
The hardest part of entering a relationship with a woman nowadays is also the divide between men and women. Justifiably men’s actions have caused women to demand change and distanced themselves from toxic masculinity however it has caused a lot of people to stereotype men as all the same. The sad thing is men can relate to the dehumanisation of our femininity but it’s widely said that we don’t understand because we aren’t women. While that does have truth we are not women and don’t have the same expectations we can still relate to our femininity being undermined but we are being pushed out by both women and toxic masculine men. Women don’t want men trying to understand because we are not women plain and simple and it is a female fight even if we have feminine traits and the only way we can be accepted by other men is to indulge in toxic masculinity or else risk isolation, from both genders. One could also argue that women want to date men with masculine traits. They want the built, rugged, handsome man rather than the more sensitive, timid man because... well patriarchy and society. That’s what girls are told they should want from social media, film, television. strong men and handsome perfect men. A lot of men have given up on the idea of embracing femininity because women don’t seem to allow or want us to contribute to the dehumanisation of femininity and men, unfortunately, only accept strong hard men. The isolation, stereotyping and refusal to let us try from both genders is so crushing we need to make a choice to surrender one half of who we are and honestly, it’s exhausting. Many have given up entirely and just accept that we aren’t fully accepted for who we are by either gender and we stay silent. It’s just easier that way.
@mayapapaya_tf
3 жыл бұрын
this is now one of my favorite videos. thank you for forcing me to confront my own participation and contribution to the patriarchy.
@chrisporter4993
3 жыл бұрын
To respond to the question you asked Khadija, I think for a lot of men (of all ages, really) the challenge isn't even learning to open up to our partners and ignore our societal conditioning on how to be good men. Whatever our societal conditioning tells us, we all want to be vulnerable on some level because we all crave genuine connection. We may have no clue how to make that connection, or guidance therein beyond 'be a good man and the rest will come,' but any man who really wants a partner, or even real, lasting friendship, is going to allow themselves a moment or two of vulnerability eventually. More men fail to embody the masculine ideal than succeed, and most don't aspire to conform to such shallow expectations in the first place. They would be happy, thrilled even, to make a genuine connection and open up with a partner; to know that there's at least one person they could trust enough to share their doubts, fears, and struggles with. The challenge comes when you allow yourself those moments and your partner's response is to tell you to man up, or to say that you're not a real man. If you lose your job and can't fulfill the traditional breadwinner role, struggle with mental health issues, or open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable, there's a very real chance that your partner (man, woman, or insert gender here) will just up and leave you. Our parents and gender role models often aren't the only ones who value our performance as men over our personhood and feelings. Look at your own emotional response to your previous partner's decision to open up about the struggles men deal with. The immediate assumption that his display of genuine vulnerability (and acknowledgement of men's vulnerability as a group) was covert misogyny, and the impulse to prove his concerns were invalid; that men had no real struggles as a group and even the idea that they might was offensive. Suddenly he wasn't your trusted partner, or an example of a good, real man; he was at best dangerously misinformed, and at worst a real threat. Exactly sort of potentially dangerous misogynist who suffers from (and perpetuates) toxic masculinity. What really prevents a man from opening up and connecting isn't the societal conditioning, it's the (frequently very well founded) fear that if he displays any behaviour, perspective, or insight other than what's expected of him as a man, in whatever societal context those expectations exist, he'll be left out in the cold. For a lot of men it seems better to be miserable in the company of others while putting on a stoic face than it does to be openly miserable and ostracized as failures to achieve manhood. It's not dissimilar to when a man ends his relationship with a woman because she's not traditionally feminine; whether it's not being submissive enough, not cooking and cleaning, or not being able (or wanting) to have children. Except that anyone with progressive values is going to recognize that guy as a misogynist, and acknowledge that none of his decision to end the relationship made her less of a woman. Meanwhile even progressive spaces still have very traditional expectations of men in terms of performance while also expecting them to challenge their own conception of masculinity, be emotionally available, and be open to any and all criticism of their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. None of this is intended as an attack on you, your perspective and experiences, or your beliefs. If it comes across that way, I certainly acknowledge that I get a little emotionally intense when it comes to the subject at hand and I apologize. But I'd like to think you asked the question because you generally wanted to hear male perspectives and, in case it wasn't clear from the short essay I wrote here, I (and many other men besides me) don't often have someone genuinely ask what our experiences are, or how we feel, without feeling some trepidation that a genuine moment of vulnerability is going to get us put in a world of hurt. More often we're told what our experiences are, or what they ought to be if we're 'real men.' All in all, I'd love to live in a world where men can open up and be vulnerable. I'm an emotional, introspective guy on the autism spectrum, and the world of unspoken, unwritten expectations and rules isn't one I thrive in. But I think we're a ways off from achieving that if even our progressive movements struggle to acknowledge when they have expectations of what 'real' masculinity is that are just as toxic as the behaviours they call out Yes, men need to change; to learn to be healthier and happier, and to value themselves beyond their performance and influence. But everyone with men in their lives who values the happiness of those men also needs to question whether they have any expectations of what those men have to do or be in order to be valid and valued. We can all be and do better, and we owe it to ourselves and each other to try. You certainly seem like someone who believes that as well in spite of your own bad experiences with men, or perhaps because of them. Hopefully you've had some less disappointing experiences with members of our gender since you made the video.
@thewittyusername
3 жыл бұрын
I feel like toxic masculinity should be renamed Performative Negative Masculinity. It's more accurate and contains less charged language. People also like to conflate the toxicity to mean all masculinity instead of it meant to highlight the negative aspects.
@kiriki4558
3 жыл бұрын
But when we say that something Is tóxic like "tóxic friendship" we aré not saying that firendship Is inherently a bad thing. I think that most of the negative reaction comes from taking being masculine as the most important part of the identity and being taught to defend their masculinity at all costs. And another explanation might be that they aré twisting the meaning to fit their narrative, wich right learning people tend to do. I don't think that changing the term would do much.
@dreamsofzephyrus9562
3 жыл бұрын
The amount of time, effort, and research you put into these videos is so inspiring and impressive, and the way you present it is so fun and engaging! I think I’ve got a crush 😳 Honestly though thank you so much because these videos must take days and weeks to make, and are helping spread really good messages!
@KhadijaMbowe
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much. They take a bit of time lol but I really love learning about this stuff so it's mostly fun!...mostly lol
@mandydikgale5452
3 жыл бұрын
I don't know how you ended up in my recommends 😭 but I'm glad cause I subbed after watching your video on colourism now I'm binge watching your whole channel. So much knowledge thank you queen!
@AllieAndPeach
3 жыл бұрын
I've experienced male friends or romantic interest being afraid to comfort me when I'm sad because they are so afraid of "making it worse". It's sad to think that they haven't been given the tools to comfort, and that they feel so emotionally incompetent that they think it's gonna ruin the situation even more. But another part of me also thinks that because women in far greater numbers take on the emotional labour and social responsability, men also get too comfortable and instead opt out of these situations. Many times when I've been dating and there's been a need for a discussion about the relationship, I am the one bringing it up, and sometimes they say "I'm just not very good at talking about these kinds of stuff" and they get superuncomfortable, and it frustrates me so much because I'm not very good at it either? It makes me uncomfortable/sad/whatever too but I still know that it NEEDS to be done. It's not that emotional talk/comforting/deep conversations is easier for women!! In my experience we're just more mature and pragmatic knowing that it's important, while I feel like a lot of men are emotionally lazy and just let women handle it.
@poocrayon4588
3 жыл бұрын
If men don’t want to have endless emotional conversations they don’t have to. And you don’t have to hang out with them. Men are free to express or not express themselves however they want. Who are you to tell men how they “feel “ or “comfort” is wrong as though you are doing it the “right” way?
@Kaz7.
11 ай бұрын
@@poocrayon4588 If you're in a relationship with someone (romantic, platonic, familial, etc) you are responsible to pull your weight of emotional labour if you want that relationship to continue tho
@poocrayon4588
11 ай бұрын
@@Kaz7. BS - one person (female) can not decide what level of emotional labour is good for both partners. That's just a feminist gaslighting term crappy wives and girlfriends use to try to coerce men into acting in ways which suit them.
@Kaz7.
11 ай бұрын
@@poocrayon4588 so you're mad that the women around you.... want you to do your fair share of the work? OK dude lollll you're the type of man we're avoiding in 2023, hope you gain more emotional intelligence someday
@6tclaps
3 жыл бұрын
This video is amazing and I found myself tearing up at the end of it lol rationally, I want to empathize with men but being on the receiving end of abuse, it's really hard to. Emotional unavailability might be the reason they turn power-hungry, aggressive and violent (and vice-versa) often but where that aggression is directed makes it hard for all of society to emphasize or tolerate it, even in courts, with men as fathers or as criminals. Because it feels like deep down behind the act and the performance, there is a choice in what they do. I also find it very interesting how psychological patriarchy doesn't serve anyone but is still being perpetuated and sustained by all of us holding those beliefs. Love the video! it's very informative, can't wait for the black masculinity video, growing up in non-black spaces I questioned not just my femininity but my whole gender identity as a young black kid.
@karikruse2410
3 жыл бұрын
Wow thank you Khadijah. This was an incredible deep dive. I needed to hear this nuanced conversation. A good reminder that as women we do uphold the patriarchy and that burning it all down is never going to eradicate all evil. You’re my new fav video essayist!
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