Inside of me there is a hellhound...I always tried to keep him jn a cage..and told him to shut up... .but at a 10/10 he burst out if his cage and was a threat to everybody around my. In the last two years I realised that the hellhound is a very important and powerful part of myself who wants to protect me. Who is absolutly able to protect me! Today he is walking by my side - off leash! When he starts growling I'm alerted and I take care of my boundaries. No need for my hellhound to make a mess. He is such a great mate 💕
@dianam9064
2 жыл бұрын
Hugs! It takes a lot of strength to make friends with our "hellhounds"
@stephross700
2 жыл бұрын
Wow, this is really helpful to think about! Thank you!
@yoshi4691
2 жыл бұрын
Love this! I've got a few of my own.
@Vegan1018
Жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing that, it was very helpful.
@AlastorTheNPDemon
Жыл бұрын
I'm still under the impression that my inner rage can't protect me. "There's always a bigger fish," as they say. How do you get that confidence?
@suziedickinson6202
2 жыл бұрын
One of the most loathsome experiences as a child was being psychologically provoked by a family member at the dinner table. Almost always, all the the family members would join in. They would say out of the blue "what's wrong with you?", and I would reply genuinely "nothing is wrong with me", they would then start saying 'there is, there's something wrong with you" and I would quietly protest saying I was fine. This would go on for a while, while my family teased me about being in a 'bad mood' or 'upset about something' when there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I would try to hold down the desire to react, but because they were relentless, I would end up exploding in frustration. Then I was in deep trouble for showing anger and either punished, or belittled further. It's a horrible feeling of being trapped in a situation that you know you'll never be able to win. This kind of provocation happened in other situations, it sometimes still happens to this day, but I manage to make a joke or change the subject to deflect. Not something I could do as a child. If I said nothing - I had to hold the anger in and fester inside while being teased - unable to stick up for myself. If I reacted - I was in big trouble or risked more mocking. Oh, the fun we had. I can feel my stomach tightening as I write it.
@evadebruijn
2 жыл бұрын
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@entkells5803
Жыл бұрын
Oh my God I am so sorry you went through this i know exactly how horrible it feels
@suziedickinson6202
Жыл бұрын
@@entkells5803 Thank you. It is both awful and reassuring that other people had similar experiences. I am sorry for your own experience too x
@gregorybowden4460
Жыл бұрын
The old double bind, no win situation. The fun of growing up with trama, narcicists, & alcoholics.
@nellautumngirl
Жыл бұрын
I'm anxiously attached but I know what you mean about feeling trapped. You are let down by the people you trust the most, caregivers, they can't help you and you feel so powerless as a result because you need them to teach you skills they don't have. You rightfully feel angry.
@whiteoaksroad
2 жыл бұрын
I have now watched almost half of your attachment videos, mostly on disorganized attachment. I have watched hundreds of others on you tube, and read dozens of books. You are one of the most clear and insightful people out there, of any age, profession or distinction on this topic. Not that you need an online stranger to tell you this, but you are excellent and exceptional. I hope, for all our sakes, you continue to study and practice, and create videos to share your knowledge and insights. Thank you so very much. You are helping people to heal.
@bekahblaylock4426
Жыл бұрын
Ditto!
@elodyluna
Жыл бұрын
Wholeheartedly agree. you are my favorite and most effective one out there. Every video of you I watch and listen to deeply, hits me with validation I’ve been yearning for for decades, instant releases sometimes, and that barely ever happens. Thank you Heidi
@sherly7000
2 жыл бұрын
I always feel like I'm a monster when anger, so they're often times i ignore it and when i do bust up, I push people to stay away from me because I'm afraid that it would end up hurting them. Them their comes a time when i would start avoiding them or try to emotionally detach from them.
@tulip5210
2 жыл бұрын
💜
@MissSarahGM
2 жыл бұрын
This resonated and helps me understand the FA style. My ex boyfriend came off as "too nice" people pleaser, before exploding and saying harsh things only to feel shame afterwards. It was a struggle to communicate his needs and emotions, in real time, and as you explain, negative associations around having boundaries and feeling inadequate/not enough/bad. No wonder a relationship felt like engulfment if he could not regulate and suppressed/censored most of his emotions. Seeing his family system, with a lot of dysfunction and narcissistic values, enmeshment, I also believe he was labeled scapegoat, diagnosed ADHD as a child, feeling less than his siblings, and has been trying so bad to fit in and not being excluded by the clan.
@Khiarika1
Жыл бұрын
🥺
@gday2386
3 ай бұрын
Did you take him back?
@MissSarahGM
3 ай бұрын
@@gday2386 He broke up, breadcrumbed me for a year, reaching out friendly, sending gift, no real talk no attempt to meet and disappeared for months after each time. It was painful to hope. The last time he contacted me he was more vulnerable and intense, but not accountable or even clear about intentions. I had been silent and realised I deserved more, so I didn't respond.
@MissSarahGM
3 ай бұрын
@@gday2386 He broke up. Then breadcrumbed me for a year, sending gift, catch up call, no real talk no attempt to meet, followed by disappearance for months. Really painful to hope. The last time he contacted me was intense messages where he was more vulnerable about the relationship and somehow regretful, but still not accountable nor really clear about his intentions. I had been no contact for a long time, maybe he sensed I was done. I expected more, like an apology, not just temporary missing me to meet and then what. So I didn't respond.
@MissSarahGM
3 ай бұрын
@@gday2386 He broke up. Then breadcrumbed me for a year, sending gift, catch up call, no real talk no attempt to meet, followed by disappearance for months. Really painful to hope. The last time he contacted me was intense messages where he was more vulnerable but still not accountable nor really clear about his intentions. I had been no contact for a long time, maybe he sensed I was done. I expected more, like an apology, not just temporary missing me to meet and then what. So I didn't respond.
@delicateghoul
Жыл бұрын
I'm trying not to be angry at my mom learning that all my current problems are directly tied to how she parented me. I learned young to repress my anger because I was always punished for expressing it and now I struggle with both enforcing boundaries and being able to express anger without exploding. So much of my emotional growth was stunted because she was also emotionally stunted I just recently lashed out at a friend (a level 9 reaction to a level 2 issue) and it wasn't until days later that I realized it was because my abandonment wounds had been activated and this was essentially a "if you're going to leave me then just go ahead and do it already" tantrum. Thankfully my friend is more mature and we were able to talk about it over the weekend and both got a chance to express what we want from this friendship and how we can work together to achieve it. Sometimes healing feels impossible cuz there's so very much I need to work on 😩 but I guess it's all about the small steps eventually leading to big changes
@horacesilver5238
2 жыл бұрын
laying down boundaries is one of the best things I've ever integrated into my life. The days of gaslighting myself are over...and my life is so much happier, freer....incredible
@FirstLast-q8v
8 ай бұрын
It’s insane how simply laying down boundaries elevated my stress from being on 10 everyday to being nonexistent.
@JCL-eb9ir
2 жыл бұрын
My ex was with someone else for a very long time behind my back, by the time I found out, he had already ghosted me. He disappeared and left all of his things at my home. The rage was so immense and I bottled it in for a whole year and one day I looked around and saw all the things I was keeping for him for when he came back, my pent up rage exploded and I destroyed and burned everything in my back yard. He’s recently told me that he’s single again (he is not - I feel sad for his new partner) and that he misses me. I said no to seeing each other again. He asked for his things back… I went quiet. I’m still so heart sore but I do wonder sometimes if I did the right thing destroying his stuff - it was very therapeutic and the situation was filled with injustice, it was the only way to help me feel slightly equal.
@sorakairi118
Жыл бұрын
Oh, you did. Those weren’t his the moment he left them at your place and broke the trust.
@catnap8042
Жыл бұрын
What an audacity to ask you for his stuff after this long time. You did what YOU need at this time.. would have done the same! 👍🏼🔥
@Window4503
4 ай бұрын
Isn’t that technically a crime? I get the emotional catharsis, but I don’t think that was the right move nor was it the only way.
@HomeFromFarAway
4 ай бұрын
@@-whackdyour name is accurate. maybe instead of trolling strangers you could see if you maybe need an anger management diagnisis yourself?
@HomeFromFarAway
4 ай бұрын
@@sorakairi118precisely. posession is 9/10ths of the law. after that amount of time and including the ghosting, the law in most places would say he has abandoned the items. you coukd have even sold them to offset the storage costs
@JC-ei3ci
2 жыл бұрын
YES especially the part where you're angry at the person, but they're the one that can soothe you. Even though I'm an adult, this happens with my parents.
@Jen281
2 жыл бұрын
I can’t stand my family for doing this to me. I won’t even talk to them now. Cuz if you can’t handle the truth then we cannot have an authentic relationship. They don’t care enough about me to change. They would rather maintain some sort of pseudo control and dismiss me as crazy. So done. I would like to work on expressing my boundaries. I have witnessed myself gettting choked up when I even try to express discontent in a calm way. It so difficult for me to set boundaries and express anger in any way.
@catalystcomet
Жыл бұрын
It would be really great if you did a video on those of us who expressed sorrow as anger instead of allowing ourselves to feel the sorrow, I would really love that. So many of us do that.
@canibalkitten4213
2 жыл бұрын
Yeah, my temper is like a thunderstorm, unlikely to hit you but if you're hit with a lightning bolt you're not going to enjoy it.
@Tracie-leaFray
7 ай бұрын
Anger is the emotion that scares me the most. I repress it so much that it all comes out in my sleep. My nightmares scare those who are sleeping under the same roof and I have been known to wake up while physically punching or kicking a partner. Anger was never allowed in our house growing up. “Stop your crying or I’ll give you something to cry for” is so very damaging to a child.
@tanchuanen7913
4 ай бұрын
I've come to a point in my life where I know my anger is valid and justified. The problem is knowing that if I express anger, the tables will be turned on me because I'm doing something 'wrong' (even though I was provoked) and knowing my feeligns will get ignored after expressing them.
@nadiakhan904
27 күн бұрын
Omg that is so me. You always rnd up as the bad guy. Even if im 1000% right i should not oppose or voice it
@jwhite5396
2 жыл бұрын
This is really good information. I also fear the other person will invalidate my feelings, blow up and turn it around onto me. That says a lot about my childhood.. Also, it’s easier for me to end the relationship than be vulnerable, share my upset and see if the other person is willing to meet me in middle. This was an eye opening video for me. Thank you!
@santiagoFvl
7 ай бұрын
Your fearful avoidant videos are so eye-opening, it's insane how much I've come to understand about myself TODAY that I'd managed to miss over a whole entire decade of therapy and self-reflection. I will come back and rewatch for sure, because wow this will take me a while to work through.
@aureliafox2924
Ай бұрын
Same. Exactly the same for me except it was YESTERDAY 😂 Incredible though…
@zzulm
2 жыл бұрын
I always say there is bitch inside of me that is bitter and resentful because ignoring this part of me stops me from analyzing my actions when I'm angry.
@maeri6040
Жыл бұрын
“Our caregivers have to teach us how to calm down our nervous systems from anger” me: *shocked pikachu face* wait wut
@amyjennings
Ай бұрын
This is so accurate, though I don't think I've ever acknowledged that it was anger I was dealing with. In my head, this is frustration. I'd tell myself I was just getting frustrated and I needed to be more patient. Except that I'd be patient right up until suddenly exploding out of nowhere, which did not lead to good conversations, because the other person at the point is panicking at this completely unexpected reaction.
@shelbymachado8712
Жыл бұрын
As an autistic person who is exploring information on this attachment style, this concept of... suppressing anger to the extent you can get away with it... I've been very avoidant of anger for as far back as I can remember, and for me I think it relates to sensory/processing issues related to my autism. When I am unable to suppress anger, and I have to feel it, really feel it, I don't lash out. I cognitively shut down. Usually, I literally pass out. So despite not having the functional response described in this video... I think it might have the same underpinnings.
@virginialee5065
8 ай бұрын
My conscience doesn't even register anger as an emotion anymore 😅 When I'm feeling angry what I think i'm experiencing is a slight irritation or other similar emotions, but then I blow up and start verbally and loudly vocalize all the things I'm angry about and try to openly resolve conflicts, but even then for some reason I don't think I FEEL angry. My 'avoidant side' tries to suppress any strong emotions and just ignores them, I guess, to feel in control of the situation and/or of myself, so I probably just unconsciously rationalize it away. Thanks for the video, very insightful and helpful! 💚
@tracythomson2604
Жыл бұрын
This makes sense to me! *I was told when very young that I had a 'bad temper' and was taught to repress my anger. I felt I had to SWALLOW my anger. That anger builds and then can become a volcano and because it then becomes too much to HANDLE - and then very difficult to 'regulate'.
@-whackd
Жыл бұрын
Express your anger by flipping off your boss
@rebeccarich7112
Жыл бұрын
Spot on, as always. All those times you swallowed your anger thinking it was irrational or unjustified because that’s what you were taught…or that the consequences of expressing it would be disconnection/death.
@micheleharman5787
5 күн бұрын
Wow. For the first time feeling validated
@seniorsandwich2356
3 ай бұрын
Oh my god, this video completely describes me. My dad was a very angry person (not towards me, but in general) and I have always dismissed anger as it being a problem that I was angry at something. I have been depressed for a year and a half and I think it is the realisation that this is the cause that has caused it. I have never lashed out at all, but I definitely feel the guilt at feeling angry at all and even very embarrassed. I feel scared that being angry will push others away and that I’m actually angry for a wrong reason and I’m causing a violent injustice against others.
@judeannethecandorchannel2153
5 ай бұрын
Great to hear from someone speaking about their own attachment style. I think I may be fearful avoidant also. And my Ex--we still have great affection for each other but can't be together because it gets abusive, veers into DV, and becomes untenable 😢. He's been recently open to input. I think he may find this video interesting and hopefully helpful. I hope it may help me too! 🎉
@lillaperendy
6 ай бұрын
For a looong time I was convinced I was Anxiously Attached. I reasoned that since I didnt have any actual abuse happen to me I couldnt have been an FA. Then one of your videos made me realiise I might just be that. I grew up with a narcissistic father and I knew I was the scapegoat from other channels. THIS video put 2 and 2 together and now I realise I can indeed be an FA. I have always had anger issues cos I hate injustice yet I cant calmly address issues until I cant hold it in anymore and explode! I feel so seen by you now and I know I can get better (I’m 38 now). Thank you!! 🙏🏻
@sophibrumby9542
2 жыл бұрын
Amazing!! All my life I've struggled with caged anger with my family of origin and more.
@gayleneflower398
Жыл бұрын
I don’t know if I’m a fearful avoidant, but I think I am. I hold back everything and then I let go or I write it down on a piece of paper to get it out but I still fester with it. It has caused many a broken relationship for me. Please keep the videos coming.
@pabloravizzoli345
Жыл бұрын
Dealing with this pretty heavily. I didnt know the connection between FA and how much my healthy anger and aggression were denied to me as a kid, forming a pattern of bottling and then exploding. Thank you 🙏
@infinitedurr
Жыл бұрын
This is absolute gold, and pretty much exactly what I've been seeing from the FA people around me. As a secure non-FA, it sucks to be on the receiving end of, but I figured there was something like this happening internally for them. So this is helpful. Thank you for detailing this and all the work you do, you're truly excellent at explaining these dynamics.
@williamjohn7909
Ай бұрын
I lived with suppressed rage for most of my life. I went to counselling and thought if I expressed my rage somehow that it would burn out like a fire. It didn't. Nor did the breathing exercises or counting to ten. It was only when I learned about CPTSD that the wounds were deep and suppressing that anger was at the root of all my rage. My FA, I believe, also comes from my CPTSD. My increased self awareness has helped me deal better with my anger issues, but the best way I have learned to deal with it is putting in boundaries and putting my needs and wants higher up my list. Therefore, people pleasing and becoming angry because people just use you has diminished.
@tasegomeara
10 ай бұрын
Months of fruitless therapy being told to give my anger a hug, should have just watched some KZitem 🙈 I needed way deeper insight on the issue than that. Thank you 🙏🏼
@naveena4879
Ай бұрын
Heidi, I'm so glad I found you. I relate to so much of what you're saying. I had the same relationship with anger as you growing up, and feeling so ashamed for it. the part about family dysfunction and being a scapegoat absolutely, which ending up with me totally shutting out anger as i became an adult, and really believing myself to be an irrationally uncontrollably angry person, and i was scared to push away partners.
@desireevelazco
Ай бұрын
Holy crap, I needed to hear this! Sooooo many things clicked into place for me because of this! Thank you SO much got this video!
@aaronanderson2731
5 ай бұрын
Man, this resonates with me, my issue as an avoidant is I'm not offended by things that are said to me until i have about 36 hours to compute what was said to me and than it feels weird bringing it up that I'm angry about it because its a day and a half later.
@funnlivinit
Жыл бұрын
This rings so very true for me. Especially, being the scapegoat as a child. The only catch I have with this strategy towards healing is my fear of confrontation. I absolutely freeze or, usually, explode. No matter how trivial the issue is. As you’ve said many times, healing is a long road. I’m 63 and just learning about my wounded inner child. Long ago I took up meditation to deflate the intense, out of control emotions. In doing so I am able to feel my emotions more clearly. But, still struggle with identifying them. Thank you so much for making these videos for us.
@trtl9106
Жыл бұрын
Inside me are two wolves. One is avoidant and one is anxious. I’m depressed
@loliipop070409
3 ай бұрын
I wish all the wolfs inside us FA could just make out and eat some cookies together u.u
@trtl9106
3 ай бұрын
@@loliipop070409 yeah they need to chill out fr. I want to live life, not be holed up in my own psyche
@dpizzle98
Жыл бұрын
All i have to say is wow. This hits home
@sophiapetrillo3008
2 жыл бұрын
I’m feeing like its “feelings are bad” in general. Not just anger. Maybe that’s just me though.
@hollybenson5795
2 жыл бұрын
This is a good point. I think it goes with all FA styles. Because yeah we hide a lot more emotions than just anger. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I’ve hid all emotions from my partner….
@sophiapetrillo3008
2 жыл бұрын
@@hollybenson5795 I grew up in a “we don’t talk about things” family and was constantly wondering what mood my mother was going to be in that day, so yeah learning how to not say the wrong thing - because having feelings wasn’t ok, it was judged - it was a survival skill.
@edgreen8140
11 ай бұрын
Best attachment channel. Discussed drama triangle and the need to stay out of it.
@inathimei
Жыл бұрын
I'm crying at the office from resonating with what you are saying💔
@amandawitman
2 жыл бұрын
This is NOT ONLY for FEARFUL-AVOIDANTS! I have a hunch that suppressing anger often leads to similarly disproportionate eruptions of unexpressed anger regardless of attachment strategy. I'm not FA and I can relate in detail to this video. This feels to me like it could be helpful to anyone who avoids conflict and/or suppresses anger, whether that comes as a reaction to being the target of loved ones' anger (early in life or later) or to being raised/socialized by parents or caregivers who were already chronically suppressing their anger. This is a great video and I look forward to the ones that follow on this topic. Please consider framing them for a broader audience, as I almost didn't watch it because I assumed it wasn't for me (not being FA).
@lungisileg.1394
Жыл бұрын
Not every person who has anger issues is a fearful avoidant but every fearful avoidant has anger issues. I think that's the point of the vid.
@TJ-wx1uq
Жыл бұрын
These were my thoughts as well.
@ajakubo11
2 жыл бұрын
Oh wow, i think you have just expressed the reason why I was diagnosed with depression-anxiety last year. When I went to therapy my therapist was a bit shocked with my anger-repression skills. I dont think I even expressed a 10. I just internalized everything.
@barbarajones7522
Жыл бұрын
There is no possible way that this just happened to show up in my feed today...Heidi...I don’t have the words to express how much your videos help me, thank you much! I love you! 🧡
@acegard7801
Жыл бұрын
Always good, always smart. Wish I'd known this stuff when I was young.
@victoriasofitel
Жыл бұрын
THIS video has been SO helpful Thank you! I HAVE been labeled as someone with extreme anger issues BUT only by family and guys I date. Friends don't see that side of me... because it IS safe to talk to them around boundary violations. This makes SO much sense. YES, I was the family scapegoat 🥺 I appreciate your channel it is very practical to help raise awareness and take steps to recovery 🙌🏽🙏🏽👊🏽
@suheylanoyan
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for the video. As an enneagram 1 ENFP, I was calling myself angry, then it evolved to "not know how to manage anger". Now, I can see that we are not that different when we feel something, but how we approach to that feeling. Thank you also for your practical advices :)
@hollybenson5795
2 жыл бұрын
I’m also an ENFP. I’ve been told this my whole lyfe too. But I never saw it that way. I think my anger is entirely justified, like she was saying. The only thing I get angry about is injustices or people hurting other people. I’d RATHER be up in arms about that, regardless of whether people say it’s unhealthy or not….
@AydenKnorretjeProductions
10 ай бұрын
Spot on. And I’m 45 years old now and I now come to the conclusion that I have been the scapegoat for all of my life 😮 and the only thing I can do is to make sure I respond in a different way instead of reacting to something I can’t control or change. I forgive myself and my parents for they don’t know any better. ❤
@williamhbynumiii5269
2 ай бұрын
Great video. I am realizing that I need to work on this for myself, because it has been eating my heart up.
@luropodaai
11 ай бұрын
Takeaways: - Your feelings are valid. We can feel it but choose how to act on it. - It is best to recognize and express anger when it shows up, so it doesn't add up to a point where you can no longer think properly. - Communicate your boundaries and feelings.
@monthc
5 ай бұрын
I got 2 minutes in and you'd already described my entire life experience with respect to anger. I'm learning a ton from these attachment videos. What's encouraging is, I have already unconsciously started working on some of these things, and now I have some more specific direction to keep working on them.
@nayaroberttodorova5960
22 күн бұрын
All my childhood my father was downplaying my emotions and acted like he's at work. I never expressed healthily my anger and resentment and now it's gotten to a point where I'm furious about the slightest inconvenience. I also tend to have delayed reactions because of that! I tend to shout about smaller things and get ashamed afterwards, just like you're saying in the video. I also tend to minimise big things that deserve a reaction. I'm in therapy but there's too much to unpack and I want to be magically cured.
@julietteferrars3097
3 ай бұрын
This month a year ago I started watching your videos and it has changed my life for the better ever since. 💜
@littleBrownDwarf
6 ай бұрын
The book Nonviolent Communication was super helpful in giving me a framework for expressing my boundaries and frustrations with people in a way that feels safe for everyone.
@howtosober
Жыл бұрын
I feel like I just exhaled for the first time listening to this- especially when you mentioned the connection to the family scapegoat role.
@loliipop070409
3 ай бұрын
I cannot express how healing and validating and welcoming this video and comments have been
@kelliel7022
7 ай бұрын
Wow! I relate to the story of how you related to anger. I thought that anger is not a valid emotion because I was often screamed at when I was younger. I promised myself I would never get that angry. But of course, there are situations where anger is appropriate, but I never realized it was appropriate because I gaslighted myself into thinking that anytime I feel anger, it is irrational.
@srcolema07
10 ай бұрын
Omg, I feel I fought with this for years without knowing I'm fearful-avoid. Recently I realized that I gaslight myself because my mother gaslighted me as a child. My voice in my head would frequently deny my feelings.
@littleBrownDwarf
6 ай бұрын
My fear of conflict and avoidance of expressing anger comes from witnessing my dad's temper tantrums from a young age. It's like deep down I fear that expressing anything negative could lead to my partner experiencing that same level of terror I felt as a kid. There's always a voice in my head convincing me that whatever the issue is it's not significant enough to bring up and risk conflict. So I just become more resentful until I finally end the relationship when I'm fed up
@unicorngirl0369
Жыл бұрын
You are saving my life. Thanks to you I have realized I am fearful-avoidant. I also love all of your shadow work videos. Thank you for all of your contributions to the world.
@MsDaideyMaingi
Жыл бұрын
You have been so helpful in understanding myself. This is me to a T and I’m so glad there’s an explanation and reason to it ‘Me: don’t express this is too small Later:Explodes to level 100 followed by deep guilt
@johnpatterson6448
8 ай бұрын
Nailed it yet again, Heidi.
@sebastiendeloumeaux7372
Жыл бұрын
I have been conscious that I needed to speak up sooner for a while but listenning to you, I reckon I need to work on this again. Now I speak up my anger when it's at a 5 and above so I no longer go out of control but it's still confusing for those around me and unpleasant for me so I will get used to expressing anger at level 1. Thanks Heidi for such an informative and helpful video. 😊❤
@ValeriesGallery
Жыл бұрын
What I love about your videos is that you describe the issue, and then you give a way to deal with it in a healthier way. That second part is so helpful and rare. Thank you!
@gabrielookami8774
3 ай бұрын
Going through your videos (very new or older like this one), and always very clear, validating and insightful, thank you. I used to tell myself that anger was pointless because they just didn't know to do differently. It was a fair conclusion from me in the dysfunctional family I grew up in, being at the same time scapegoated and parentified child. The result was that my anger would never surface to my awareness, "too mature" to allow myself "loose" and anyway the arguments would always be distorted, rejected, etc (then you get in a loop of justification). I however very often felt very sad to the point that tears would suddenly flow "without any reason" on my cheeks, not even sobbing or actively crying. I only started expressing anger later once i left their place first in intimate relationships and then years after outside, and i'm still working on doing it realtime on low levels and not only when enough is enough. A statement to the progress is that today my manager made a compliment. I told him my communication style is still too indirect and beating around the bush by times, (and he's a very direct, factual, impatient man), so he replied that not at all, while we're way different, i'm always very honest and transparent when there are issues whether for me or for the sake of the team and i would flag these up to him, including his own behaviours, and that's what he appreciates in me and what made me come so far also in this job. The comments are a strong reminder that we are unfortunately not alone to share similar childhood and life experiences, but also a testimony that we can heal from these, it's good to see how many of us are sharing experiences. thanks everyone 🥰
@aliasgirl9
Жыл бұрын
Well then!!!!! I just had an intense moment last night where I texted a friend - whom I didn’t want to bother her while she was on vacation - that I was very much feeling like I wanted to explode with a bunch of f-bombs. I am this attachment style (or disorganized) and I very much have boundary issues and problems with stuffing all of my “negative” emotions, including but most especially, anger. It has made me ill and it has gotten worse over the pst year. I’m 48. I bare the brunt of the relational and emotional load of my family and I’m not a secure attachment. I have a 17, 14 and soon 10 year old. I very much hope to find a therapist who can help me through my anger and emotional challenges. Thank you for making this video.
@Itsrea11ychris
6 ай бұрын
I watch your videos and I feel bad about the way I was taught about things but then I feel hopeful that I can be better and help my children through these emotions correctly thank you
@ericaroberts3919
Жыл бұрын
Your videos are so helpful. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart! Your videos about CPTSD helped me realize that, in addition to everything you mentioned here, I flashback to traumatic 'injustice' emotions from childhood when I'm angry.
@violetsky__7649
2 жыл бұрын
Axe throwing places are a great place to start 🤣 it’s a real relief
@WalkingFeat
Жыл бұрын
So heartening to hear the very same experiences that were very common in our home.
@ACT4UCF
Жыл бұрын
I like Heidi's "right"s. Interesting style.
@glynnwright1699
Жыл бұрын
I think it is worth considering the experience of person that is the focus of the anger. They have been doing something that they had no clue was a cause of anger, something that in itself might be quite trivial, and one day, completely out of the blue, all hell lets lose. I remember my wife, in some distress, saying 'what did I do'? when I went nonlinear. She was just as upset as me and the cause would have been so easy to fix long before it became an issue. Heidi is quite correct to identify this behaviour, which I have both executed as a (mostly) reformed FA and also observed in other FAs. Heidi's strategy does work and is an important step on the way, but the childhood fears are still there, need addressing, and are the catalyst for this behaviour. In my opinion the only way to shake them off is with the help of a compassionate third party who can identify the causes.
@martinastep6355
Ай бұрын
Great, great approach and content! Thank you from my❤.
@naomipaul2048
6 ай бұрын
Thank you so much for this! It really resonates. I'm so used to suppressing and avoiding my anger, and recently it has started to bubble to the surface which is terrifying. I really want to get better at expressing boundaries when anger arises, this is also terrifying! But what you share has inspired me.
@anitayougotit885
2 жыл бұрын
Thaaaaaank you!!!! 🙏🏼 so so so valuable for me right now with the stuff I‘m dealing with. This is how I feel always. I never explode, I learned already to talk at some point, I can also „run away“ from people… but 90% I always feel that my feelings are not safe or ok to express.
@nancyhutchings2748
Жыл бұрын
You are a brilliant Godsend, truly! I've learned more valuable, helpful and useful information from you than from anyone else on my healing journey! Thank you for sharing what you are learning, and caring!
@Kiranerys1
3 күн бұрын
Soooo great. Thank you.🎉🎉
@TRINIGIRLHANNAH
Жыл бұрын
I feel like I need to be away from my family while healing because they will just continue to trigger me.
@nadiakhan904
27 күн бұрын
Ikr? Sometimes they are your biggest triggers but perfect for practicing 😂
@cathythomas2692
2 жыл бұрын
This has been very helpful on many levels. I am a new subscriber, thank you so much.
@DockClock-rp2ro
Жыл бұрын
I'm not FA - I was mostly AP (I think). I grew up in a very explosive and destructive (often physically) household. Instead of learning to express anger properly, I just stifled it or replaced it with helplessness, which then makes me angry at myself for denying my assertiveness and masculinity. Still working on it.
@roseabida676
7 ай бұрын
This was so immensely important for me to hear. Thank you so much for what you are doing, Heidi. I really needed this
@AWilks-wn3if
2 жыл бұрын
Love your videos, Heidi!!! Thank you so much!!!
@editnagy4834
Жыл бұрын
My eyes almost popped out when i was listening to this. 😮
@jasonfanclub4267
Жыл бұрын
I feel you
@jamie915118
Жыл бұрын
this is so helpful. I am so thankful that a friend introduced your channel to me. i've watched most of your videos in just two months and it's been a great resource for me to better understand my emotions.
@katiedunlap235
2 жыл бұрын
why is this woman telling me who I am? 😩😭
@lillaperendy
6 ай бұрын
Same!!!! I am shocked and for like the first time in my life I feel understood!!!!!! 💗💖💝🙏🏻
@Locut0s
Жыл бұрын
It’s interesting how much I can relate to all of this despite never having been scape goated seriously. I also feel like I’ve rarely had 10/10 explosive blow ups (I can think of 1). But the underlying idea of not expressing anger on the smaller scales and avoidance of anger and the idea that it’s a bad thing to do all rings true. So does not setting boundaries. I definitely grew up in a household where boundaries would have been seen as cold or uncaring or unloving in some sense. The enmeshed household is the loving household lol. But my parents really did lack most of the blame and scolding and invalidating most of the time thankfully. Still it did a lot of damage still. I think I grew up thinking that those who had strong boundaries were weird, cold, scary people. Someone who tells you you’ve done something they don’t like often or quickly when it’s a “small” thing would have put me off them made me feel bad about myself etc etc. instead of just them expressing their needs and boundaries healthily I would have seen them as prickly and someone to stay away from. Because of course healthy means having no needs, boundaries and just being chill all the time. 😅😂
@unstoppable2742
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much, I have been struggling exactly with that for the last couple of days.
@jcwebb264
6 ай бұрын
Jeeesus. I always thought I was avoidant and just not doing it very well. Turns out this is... uh, much more accurate.
@keerthanajagadeesh6375
Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this!! Can you make more fearful avoidant challenges videos? I find them so useful. Also it would be super interesting and helpful to understand how you did your journey from fearful avoidant to secure. It would really really help to understand the steps you took, the challenges you faced, etc. Thank you so so much for making these videos again!!
@charlenecharliewilliamson449
9 ай бұрын
Thank you. I think I have at times expressed my anger on a low level... I am aware that my boundaries have not always been strong as sometimes people ignored that and I got to 30 instead of 2/3. So I defo was definitely holding on to the anger until I exploded... I have however only done this a few times this year.. I am noe wanting to express my anger to people but I am also trying not to do instant gratification! I am very grateful 🙏 for you sharing your experience and knowledge. You inspire me.
@ImaginarySusan
Жыл бұрын
A dyed-in-the-wool textbook FA. Tormented, teased and beaten scapegoat in my family. Afraid of close relationships. Even my best friend of 30 years since college lived states away until she died. I subconsciously trained my children to avoid me as my parental fam & siblings groomed them to blame and ignore me. I never say anger, I only say frustrated, or hurt, which I usually am by the time I get to a ten and tell everyone the truth, which is they don't feel like they like me. It always ends after months or years of my repressed fear of abandonment and anger, to be abandoned. The family I desperately wish I was included in. But always forgotten, whether it's a trip down the way for an ice cream cone together, or a family get-together, or a special party. They clearly could care less about me. I am cheerful, kind, accepting, generous, a listener, and gentle. Once in a blue moon or less, I outburst my anger. But I'm crazy. I'm the one who still, and always is left out. This video rang so true. Radical honesty will be my next research. Why do I keep hoping that there's hope?
@piamoore568
11 ай бұрын
I literally just came to this point right before seeing this. I haven’t been my best representative.Ive always been excused of being mean, angry and emotionally. These words became true triggers and created a negative cycle.
@bohdankaUSA
5 ай бұрын
OMFG......I knew I wasn't crazy. Thank you sooooo much 😢😢😢
@jmueller82
Жыл бұрын
Heidi, you are doing a great job. I would love to do dinner with you and hear more about your journey. Thank you for what you are doing and for taking care of yourself!
@moritz3185
Жыл бұрын
Wow. Thank you for these clear explanations. This is exactly the mechanic that broke my last relationship. On one occasion she talked about being angry at her friend, maybe a 1 or 2 out of 10. And because I learned that anger is always bad and destroys relationships, I got angry at HER for being angry at her friend. Of course, I didn't express it, because I don't know how yet. Also, my anger was probably a 5/10, which seemed very inappropriate to me, so I had even less of a clue how to talk about that. So I bottled it up along with other incidents and later, when she asked about my avoidant behavior, everything I had bottled up exploded out of me. I hurt her (verbally) and felt very guilty.
@leobeaupre858
Жыл бұрын
God was thinking of us when He inspired the HOLY SPIRIT to write in Ephesians 26 Be ye angry , & Sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ps 4/4 & Ps 37/8 Neither give place to the devil. Also in2 cor 2/10-11 & in James 4/7 )
@lauramarulanda9109
2 жыл бұрын
I really needed this. Thank you so so much
@The2Michaels-podcast
10 ай бұрын
Amazing! Sounds and feels like you are right on target! Thank you.
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