"You cannot be authentic AND a people pleaser. They are opposites." This right here is what clicked for me. I value authenticity immensely, and hearing that along with my self awareness of my people pleasing habit put me in my place. Thank you.
@khyati7733
4 жыл бұрын
Wow...exactly my thoughts as well. Ive learned by now that being authentic and honest is very important to me.
@kilgoretrout3966
3 жыл бұрын
Well, i would put it, "you cannot be both at the same time"
@juliawest5528
2 жыл бұрын
love this guy!
@Not2DaySatan224
Жыл бұрын
Amen!
@HelenThomasCreativeHealer
5 жыл бұрын
I have removed comments on YT many times, most often if they are ignored completely. I think at the root of an xNFJ our inner child's deeply felt emotional abandonment, drives us to seek connection with others, often by doing/being what we perceive they want. During childhood when we needed to be loved tenderly, especially in times of distress, our caregivers were not connected to us on an emotional level. One of the most healing and self-transformative practices I have cultivated is self-embracing. At times of emotional reactivity (or by purposefully connecting to split off parts of myself) bathing my heart in tender, powerful, embracing love - like a parent to a child, has released long held negativity, slowly revealing more of my true self over time. I'd recommend this practice for xNFJs ♥
@nllionel4926
4 жыл бұрын
This is great advice. Don't delete LOL
@HelenThomasCreativeHealer
4 жыл бұрын
@@nllionel4926 Thank you so much for your kind comment :)
@kilgoretrout3966
3 жыл бұрын
i had a wonderful upbringing but am still an INFJ-T.
@wendygraham7787
3 жыл бұрын
Thanks for your comment. I had a similar upbringing and have always been a people pleaser. I have been working on healing my inner child too!
@jaysmusic7729
3 жыл бұрын
My upbringing was fine
@bastianrivero
5 жыл бұрын
Im a people avoider 😂
@LillithElaina
4 жыл бұрын
Lol I love the minion's meme that says "I saw people through the window today, that's enough social interaction for the day!"
@bastianrivero
4 жыл бұрын
Lyli INFJ Learning Yourself haha! Yep! I sometimes crave for social interaction but then i realize its too draining for me 🤪
@LillithElaina
4 жыл бұрын
@@bastianrivero The paradox of being an INFJ lmfao xD Wanting to talk to people yet not actually talking to the people because sometimes we just can't. It's a wonder we ever do it lol
@bastianrivero
4 жыл бұрын
Lyli INFJ Learning Yourself our own mind is interesting enough 🤪
@duniqueseason4464
4 жыл бұрын
@@LillithElaina OMG that's what I often do because I actually enjoy "my own company". Solitude allows me to think about "Ideas" regarding my creative hobbies. And what INFJs are not is pretentious; We're authentic. As a retired senior I've finally overcome people pleasing. Not only do I get more respect, but I'm comfortable with not caring about what others think. I even had to rid my company of energy vampire-hater-relatives and so-called friends. Saying the word "No" is so much easier to say with age. Just one problem..sometimes I feel guilty about not missing them. No more do I try to "council" them with no progress. LOL Better late than never.
@spring7643
5 жыл бұрын
I hate having Fe and absorbing other people's feelings.
@edwardzhou8590
3 жыл бұрын
It can be easy to focus on the negative and I think we’ve all been there, I just wanna let you know you’re a great human. So in moments of negativity/complaint understand how much you’ve positively affected others’ lives. You are worth more than you know and you deserve peace and love in your life - it all starts with you
@mj5311
3 жыл бұрын
I enjoy it when it's pleasant but it sure can be overload. When possible if I'm overwhelmed and possible to walk away I do when I need to
@astzfat3319
4 жыл бұрын
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." One of my all time favorite Albert Einstein quotes.
@joy_villa
2 жыл бұрын
😮❤❤❤❤
@vslsk8605
4 жыл бұрын
"People respect confident people" I have tried this feeling. I thought I was arrogant 😁 but I am just figuring out that it's the right thing
@Learning737
4 жыл бұрын
My favorite thing to do after watching an INFJ video is going to the comments😂 Every comment section has essays in the comment section I love it hahah
@melbeth79
5 жыл бұрын
INFJs : You are not responsible for other people's emotions. INFPs: Other people are not responsible for your emotions. That about sums it up for both types, which can both be very empathetic but in different ways. Signed, an INFP.
@ClayArnall
5 жыл бұрын
hmm interesting. My mom is INFP actually :)
@nllionel4926
4 жыл бұрын
Yes, and so I also feel that INFPs have a stronger sense of self. Also, INFJs seem to me to be more value-relative and this can be seen as championing the underdog, shifting positions and seeing the motivations of the person who seems to others to be 'absolutely wrong'. In movies this translates to sympathising with the wrong-doer, where everyone around me is saying "punish him".
@melbeth79
4 жыл бұрын
@@nllionel4926 infps (and isfps) definitely have a strong sense of self. I have found that more outwardly Ni-Fe infjs will question their identity or sense of self more than ones who are more Ni-ti. Both types can certainly gravitate toward rooting for the underdog, but tend to go about it differently.
@Rochester92G
3 жыл бұрын
@@nllionel4926 I wouldn't say stronger sense of self, moreso stronger as far as in tune with their feelings. The self is a different thing altogether, not solely one function. Also, I find both of this woman's example interesting because I'd say they're just two sides of the same coin.
@juliam.2291
5 жыл бұрын
Omg thank you! As an INFJ, I can relate to every word. Gonna wear something weird this weekend lol
@ClayArnall
5 жыл бұрын
ha do it
@marionalopezcorominas3930
4 жыл бұрын
Clay, I am so thankful for your content, is a job to stop being a people pleaser and what I do is spending less time with people as I feel hard to handel. I follow you and I do really feel than your content is really helpful. Warm regards from Barcelona, Catalonia. Actually I descover about my INFJ personality tipe quite reaccenty. I would like to put more time in my passions, set bouderies and please myself instead of others. Thank you! @Clay Arnall
@Andrei-yv8fz
5 жыл бұрын
Thank you for making this video, I really needed to hear this. Playing janitor to other people's comfort has caused me a great deal of unhappiness.
@ClayArnall
5 жыл бұрын
yeah feels so good to stop doing that
@spring7643
5 жыл бұрын
Same here, and what a great way to word it. It is like being a janitor and cleaning up other people's problems.
@KevinJones-zv6zw
4 жыл бұрын
I've felt like a true shape shifter, and let me tell you honey I can play any part thrown my way except normal. Boring ✔💯😊
@gijose83
2 жыл бұрын
@@spring7643 great analogy
@KIMBERLY-er9yk
4 жыл бұрын
I deleted my blog because I was worried about what people thought. I don't follow the crowd, so my articles were against everything I've been taught my entire life. Twenty articles ....gone because I didn't want to be exposed.
@tigerex777
4 жыл бұрын
It took me about 37 years-ish to stop being this way. Now at 40 I'm almost the opposite where I almost never do what people want me to do, sometimes to the point of looking like a selfish jerk lol. Why can't I find a middle ground?
@LillithElaina
4 жыл бұрын
It's probably because they were so used to you being the person who always said yes that when you finally decided to set your boundaries, now people are feeling entitled to you saying yes. So they're frustrated that THEY can't control you. It's hard at first but it does get easier over time! Hang in there, don't give in to their pushiness, you got this! (:
@nmjr547
5 жыл бұрын
Dear people pleaser friends, I try to choose consciously if I want to please or not. It gives you back control of the dynamic (control freak alert, yes), instead of being a victim of your own tendencies. I found that's the middle ground for not being a people pleaser and not feeling selfish either. Society also expects you to neglect yourself, specially as a woman, to please everyone else except yourself. It praises self sacrifice and punishes the opposite. Culture can be beautiful and functional, but if it gets on the way of being happy and autonomous, screw it. Anyhow, honor yourself because in the end, everyone would have lived their lives and you might be left feeling unsatisfied for not living yours. At least to me, the thought alone is terrifying. I find that it's hard for us to say "no" because we are afraid of hurting the other person's feelings. To change that I think of it as saying "yes" to myself, which is easier to process than the though of "denying" whatever thing the other person wants. I hope that helps :) -INFJ.
@LillithElaina
4 жыл бұрын
Nicole I so agree!! I just watched another video with Vanessa Van Edwards in it and she touched on these points too. How women are taught to be more people pleasing that men from the time they're born. Not saying Men can't do it, just that the general trend is there because of priming (: So I totally agree with you. Find your own passions, your own strengths, and the things that make you happy, because like you said, one day you'll realize that everyone else is happy and not you because you've been so focused on others happiness and not your own. We even tend to spite them or regret it if we can't see that WE'RE the ones choosing to do this. Once we realize that we have a choice, that our lives are in our control, then we'll finally be able to move forward and live our best lives. 💖
@nmjr547
4 жыл бұрын
@@LillithElaina 💪💪💪✨
@khyati7733
4 жыл бұрын
@@nmjr547 wow i like this idea, could you elaborate on your thought process/how to go about this?
@AbundanceMindset111
5 жыл бұрын
I love the frame and camera angle and setting you have. It helps me concentrate on what you are saying and very relaxing. The blue tshirt helps too.
@stephaniemcfarlane4518
4 жыл бұрын
It is interesting the things you notice. It shows so much about your awareness. I know I like the video but I couldnt identify why like you have. Lovely.
@liabw05
4 жыл бұрын
Spoken like a true infj 😏
@Valentinfj
3 жыл бұрын
Sanhita, you are ISFP?
@AbundanceMindset111
3 жыл бұрын
Thank youu guys. I am infj.
@Valentinfj
3 жыл бұрын
You're very welcome! 🏡🙂
@apinchofhealthy
4 жыл бұрын
Love this!🥰 Let me add that INFJs do this because we both crave and misunderstand true HARMONY. Because of our external feeling, we are trying to harmonize ourselves by controlling our external world (people pleasing, hiding to feel safe, etc.). This struggle is an indication of a misplaced sense of control and a misunderstanding of what harmony actually IS. When we attempt to harmonize by sacrificing our own well-being, we actually just took the conflict and stuffed it inside ourself. We simply relocated the conflict from our outer world to our inner world.😫 It feels crappy because I used to do this! This is NOT true harmony, and it is a painful way to live. Instead of trying to control the external, we should start cultivating harmony from WITHIN. This comes by being assertive, trusting ourselves, having courage and self respect to set good boundaries, releasing the illusion that we can control others by pleasing them, etc. Once you feel confident and at home with yourself, you feel safe to be authentic and find true harmony with others. I used to avoid conflict at all costs, just stuffing things that bothered me inside. It sucked. I now prefer to address conflict quickly, especially within relationships. With people I don't care about, I don't bother. They just get the INFJ door slam. 😜😂 With people that are important to me, I choose to address conflict directly, with love, gentleness, ease and lots of grace. This is the only way to have true harmony.
@LillithElaina
4 жыл бұрын
OMG Yes! I definitely agree and came to a similar conclusion as well. It wasn't until I felt truly loved, appreciated, and comfortable in my environment that I actually felt like I could be who I was instead of being stifled by others or needing to control the world around me that it was my main focus instead of myself. It's been liberating being able to finally have this sort of feeling. Being able to share my "teddy bear" side (as I call it) has been like a blessing. I try to share with as many people as possible but it really just depends on how accepting I feel they are. But either way I still try to send love to everyone now, no matter what, because they have their own things going on and I'm not the one making their decisions. I could go on lol But overall just YES YES YES love this! So glad you've found it within you too and that you're a healthy INFJ now 💖🤗
@baileyab47
4 жыл бұрын
Straight up wisdom.
@libertypills5580
3 жыл бұрын
We can’t help anyone if we haven’t helped ourselves first.
@cazbee6126
5 жыл бұрын
A big yes to pushing yourself into the edges of discomfort. I'm so glad I did this in early adulthood. It has lead to a much more broad and satisfying life. And the ladies get to look forward to the menopause - after which you really won't give a shit 😁
@nllionel4926
4 жыл бұрын
19:38 this happened to me this week, I decided to keep to the speed limit and this woman started flashing headlights and waving her arms like a crazy person. Then I failed, instead of allowing her to be aggressive and NOT letting it affect me, it ended up in an altercation by the time we reached the next traffic light. Trying this out is a process I guess. Have been agonising over this for a couple of days now, this type of confrontation makes me feel sick. I think the answer is for me to learn to stay calm instead of responding with anger, because it was the fact that i responded that made me feel bad about it. Conflict, arghhhhhhh....:(
@khyati7733
4 жыл бұрын
Its okay! Learning to not people please takes time and practice! You'll get there :)
@TreasureSeasons
4 жыл бұрын
Being called pretentious used to make me feel so bad that I would tear myself down to make them comfortable with me lol 😂
@Mnao07
5 жыл бұрын
Thank you for being autentic. Still struggling with pleasing people, and finding time thinking what I realy want. It's so great to see that you are not alone!
@b.brightstar9189
5 жыл бұрын
It is not only about people pleasing. We tend to sacrifice ourselves so much into a topic or pattern that we neglect getting a certain distance to it. We are so deep into that world that we might even be frightened to others. That happened to me so often that I am now much more careful. It frightens a lot narcissists because they are afraid that with your deep thoughts and knowledge they are unmasked by you. I think a lot of people are frightened by the honesty and authenticity. They cannot deal with the truth as we can.
@b.brightstar9189
5 жыл бұрын
Also consider that deep thinking is exhausting. That makes you vulnerable if you do not take care of yourself. You are vulnerable to others opinions.
@ClayArnall
5 жыл бұрын
yeah i agree about the narcissists. They don't like it when we try to read and figure them out.
@JoeMotionVideos82
2 жыл бұрын
I'm growing into the point where I do what I want, that makes me happy and not caring so much about what people think. If I have to expend a lot of energy to keep people in my life and they give nothing back, they just aren't worth my time.
@evamarie03
4 жыл бұрын
I found out I'm an infj recently and omg other infj's experience so much of what I go through. Don't know why someone else suffering from the same things makes me feel better but it does, maybe because I don't feel so alone anymore. People have always treated me like I was different but I've always felt different too. I went through so much in life and I wish I knew all of this about myself because I wouldn't have suffered so much in life. Thank you, I really enjoy your videos!
@neilericksson6989
3 жыл бұрын
Being a people pleaser may also be to try and “keep the peace” or not to be the cause of disruption, disappoint or hurt another. But I agree with you. I suppressed my sexuality almost my whole life in order to keep the peace at home and in my church. This was to my detriment in many ways and is the greatest regret of my life. I would never do it again if I had my life to live over. It took me a very long time to understand that what others think of me is none of my business. This is why I love your videos as you are so positive and practically so helpful.
@haname802
4 жыл бұрын
I like the idea of being" action taker " there is no substitute for take action even if fails.
@LillithElaina
4 жыл бұрын
Yes! There's a quote I love that goes something like "You will fail at every opportunity you do not take" It's so true. You have no chance of doing something right if you never even try (:
@janicetasker1854
2 ай бұрын
Being HSP ( highly sensitive person) it has been so hard working on what you are helping with this video. I have always been a people pleaser 77+ years. I will keep working on feeling more authentic
@artsifam2761
4 жыл бұрын
This is the first video I heard from you a year ago. To put this into practice, I posted imperfect content on KZitem called "The Dubstep Project", knowing it wasn't perfect and wouldn't likely be considered perfect. It was the hardest thing I have done, but I noticed that each post after (exposure therapy), I was much less concerned about the perfectionism of each subsequent post. I have not mastered my fear of imperfectionism, but it isn't nearly the weakness it was a year ago. Thank you for helping me grow.
@ShinobiShowdown
3 жыл бұрын
I am done being a people pleaser and being used. The INFJ people need to stand up for themselves and understand that we are more valuable and rare than the rest of the world we are only 2.8 percent of the population.
@linros187
4 жыл бұрын
I believe haters are often the people who wish they were doing what you are doing, but are too scared to put their work out there. So much easier to criticize someone else's work, quite often they actually like what you have created, but it reminds them of what they are not doing that they really want to be doing.Sometimes the more they like what you do, the more they hate/criticize. It's often based in jealousy of your talent and courage, and insecurity about their own talent along with negative self criticism, which prevents them from developing work in the same field as yours.
@astzfat3319
4 жыл бұрын
Many times I have thought how I desire not to feel either pleased by praise, nor bad from critism.
@scruffyy
3 жыл бұрын
You have enemies? Good. That means you stood up for something in your life.
@elenab8296
11 ай бұрын
Even more I would like to have a man who is a people pleaser, but in a good way, not a narcissist or a manipulator.
@Lotusblume.8
4 жыл бұрын
It’s funny, I did exactly what you said recently with a family member and just said no. She could have said please or something but instead she tried to manipulate me and gave me another option that would have been another favor, so if you won’t do this for me, do you promise to do that for me? And I said NO. I don’t have to take either option. The old me would have relented but the new me just said no. I’m pretty proud of myself lol.
@rachelbass7914
5 жыл бұрын
Pretty arrogant of someone to suggest you are pretentious! Whatever! I loved the practicality of this video. Tangible examples to help others apply the principles of being comfortable with oneself. Some of the concepts overlap what I’ve been made more aware of. So, thank you for putting this out there. Much appreciated!
@avanellehansen4525
8 ай бұрын
I loke your get out of your comfort zone exercises. I took a job finding class that assigned everyone to go into a small business (like 7-11 or a coffee shop) and ask for directions to the business they're standing in. Everyone reported that they weren't mocked or shamed, but just told, "hey, guy, you're there!"
@elska17
3 жыл бұрын
Very good toppic! I have discovered that (trying to) please people (probably narcistic people) has drained my energy that much that I thought getting lazy for doing things to help people afterwards. And my 1st thought then appears like: I'm a selfish person.
@lonelybanditband1349
3 жыл бұрын
So true about the "not caring about the good stuff" re: thoughts and comments impacting self-esteem. There's an ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) metaphor called the infinite chess board that I think you would like. It speaks to how either obsessing over "good" or "bad" comments from others/in our own self talk, regardless of the valence of those thoughts or comments, can drive disconnection from the present moment and from self and others.
@lonelybanditband1349
3 жыл бұрын
...fighting the urge to remove this comment ;)
@diyarhassan1203
4 жыл бұрын
Thanks! I just re-posted something I had deleted seconds after posting it. And it felt great telling myaelf "I don't care!".
@manjubhartola3011
4 жыл бұрын
Way to Go! :)
@brittanyluvsyouso
3 жыл бұрын
I actually find that I am more comfortable saying no to people if I look good. I feel like it gives an extra boost to your confidence. I'm going to practice saying no more often starting with an event I don't want to go to.
@user-uu3wj1ji9c
4 жыл бұрын
Hi Clay and fellow INFJs.. I'm nearly 60 and still learning so much.. Clay you help that process - Thank you. I feel like I'm waking up at last and I now know that experiencing my authenticity is vital for me. I find I need to slow things down and be in quiet to know what my authentic response is. For me this process is challenging and as you say Clay you ''need to lift the weights'. I very rarely post anywhere and even writing this is my lifting the weights.. From my experience of becoming more authentic, You may need to reduce your time spent with a few or perhaps several people in your life. I've found having more times of true solitude where I authentically connect with myself is a key element in this process. So far for me being authentic is often uncomfortable and yet it is so worthwhile as I feel I'm standing on more solid ground in my life. This feels new to me and can feel strange and lonely but it wonderful also and so filled with new possibilities. When I'm being authentic I'm working on holding a compassionate presence for me and other/others. When I act authentically and if the other/others frown I say to myself 'it's ok keep going' and if they smile I say to myself 'it's ok keep going'... You see from that authentic place whatever unfolds is ok.. So my fellow INFJs keep going.. You are amazing..
@ClayArnall
4 жыл бұрын
Thank you :)
@aprilsomerville9107
4 жыл бұрын
Dude, we're like the same person. You're my new self help guru lol
@SweetyShanice96
4 жыл бұрын
You’ve explained my life so very well especially an INFJ. I love the example that you used for Miley Cyrus. I didn’t like how people were so shocked about her transition into a new person (or someone who’s she’s always been, but we never got to see) as if she wasn’t allowed to change into someone she’s always desired to be.
@Maria-bq5ld
3 жыл бұрын
So happy I found your videos, ENFP here and I feel like I need the INFJ balance in my life🙏🏻❤️
@tiwiogunye
3 жыл бұрын
As an infj I need enfp as well 😭❤
@DavidS7474
3 жыл бұрын
The dislikes comes from narcissists, they don't want you to help their preys. Good video man, keep going!
@DaftAlive3
5 жыл бұрын
I’ve been watching your videos for a week or so now and wow! You make great and helpful content. Thank you.
@keishareyes9
5 жыл бұрын
Clay, I appreciate your content so much. I have always tested as an infj, & Learning ourselves is such an intense, layered experience. I have always had a hard time with my personality, social akwardness, my need to be alone, etc. It feels very wrong behaving that way in a extroverted world. I really tried to change myself for years... just to fit in... Your videos have really changed the way I see myself. I feel so much more comfortable just being me. Plus, this video couldnt come at a better time. I was literally on my commute home thinking... I dont feel like stretching myself thin like I usually do this holiday season.. I need to find a way to to skip it all, and do what I want. (Feels nearly impossible when your family is so needy of your time). But your video gave me the courage to just say NO.
@JonasAnandaKristiansson
5 жыл бұрын
that is beautiful!! keep at it!
@keishareyes9
5 жыл бұрын
@@JonasAnandaKristiansson Thank YoU 😊
@ClayArnall
5 жыл бұрын
yeah, the holidays can get pretty ridiculous can't they. Sounds like you're getting the point and are on the right path though :)
@stephaniemcfarlane4518
4 жыл бұрын
You go girl. The right knowledge makes us so much more powerful.
@JN-kg7jx
3 жыл бұрын
I almost went schitzo, thanks for reminding me that those perfectionists opinions don't matter
@kimslone5185
4 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this one. Regarding the comment "pretentious" -- I think that when you specify your ideas, defining them with more words in finer detail, some people will think your vocabulary is you showing off, when anyone who truly listens will appreciate what you're doing when you fully define your concepts. Perspective definitely helps with handling comments, positive and negative. I'm glad you have healed this issue for yourself and thank you for providing insight to things that are often hard to put into words.
@gitodo2692
2 жыл бұрын
In my experience people pleasing just makes you a door mat. It's the most self degrading habit I've had to let go of. Nowadays I don't mind rocking the boat by saying NO, just to see how people react.
@deepak1987
4 жыл бұрын
Superb video quality and lighting. Being invisible becomes a default way of being, because that gives you 'freedom'. Like the concept of 'red ocean' and 'blue ocean', red ocean is the place where everyone competes, blue ocean is the unexplored free space. I try to have a touch and go relation with society itself and all others. Being invisible equates to blending in everywhere, it is a combination of avoidance and camouflage. It is a survival mechanism I feel, a default mode of being that keeps you out of trouble. Being noticed in any way, positively or negatively, is trouble in a way, it is subtly imprisoning. Because then you get hooked into the expectations of others. Those are real forces you know, not just imaginary. I dono maybe their auras develop a patterned relation with your aura, i dono, but it is something that is tangibly felt. A distinct different context/paradigm happens with each person. So this blending/remaining undetected, is a minimization strategy to avoid the projection of others on you in any form. So that makes you an uncover everywhere. You are always in a mirror mask. By mirroring everything, you can move in and out of any environment without any tethers. With minimum repercussions, attachments, or hooks. So then there is a kind of free flow harmony. I think it is also the love for harmony, the desire for harmony, that makes us do that. Like the desire to overpower another's music with yours is so little. And even if you do, there will be a sorta power struggle. It can be avoided if you just tune to them instead, because that takes such little effort, Compared to them coming to your level. Your like: "Why should I bug this guy, I know he is in a different tune, I can tune to him, but he cannot tune to me, And the difference between us is anyways worlds apart, like the bird and the fish, So why not just harmonize with him when he is there, and then go back to my room and re-engage my home frequency" That's kind of the way I think. There is also the element of "vain and futility" of ever being properly seen or understood. Only someone at that same level of depth/nuance and subtlety (energy freq) can get you. So that is what leads to the depression, and I think it is a real experience, In the sense the depression is about accepting the existential fact that you cannot dance with everyone, Only with very few, that too in only limited ways. Because there are very few who live in the same abode/depth/realm/height as you. So that is what creates the reclusive behavior too. Trying to market yourself as you are, will just bring unimaginable resistance, And you can already intuit this because there is clear awareness that the majority sings and dances to a different tune. So it is a situation of outer poverty (very few people to dance with, and in very limited ways even there), But an inner richness, I think that is what makes us hermit like. We isolate because the inner is far richer than the outer. I can dance with my thoughts in a million ways, but only in 1000 ways with the outside. So like you hinted in another video, it is like being 25 years old in a world full of 4 year old toddlers. Its like a parent child one-way relationship, and its very hard to get an equal relationship. Or another way to look at it is, you are just alien, and so there is a fundamental aloneness in the dark of the ocean. So there is a decision of, what is worth being? a worth that goes beyond what others want me to be. Those are some of my thoughts. I'd be very interested to know what you think about this too.
@Citrine-K
Жыл бұрын
One of the best KZitem videos I have ever watched! You are so eloquent and you speak in a non-stop fashion. You don't stutter or lose confidence part way through. Your ideas are great for self-improvement! I love that you included "empathetic types", instead of just focusing narrowly on the INFJ stereotype! Thumbs up!
@violindalola
3 жыл бұрын
You are explaining me 10000% Ugh I am trying really hard to be ok no matter what people think. Its so hard for me.
@Loverguy66
4 жыл бұрын
This is crazy.. I’m in to fashion, but I put something very edgy for me and went to the store, felt uncomfortable and confident at the same time. It felt great not to really care for a moment!
@ajaz.9456
4 жыл бұрын
I really appreciate your tips on stepping out on being a pleaser. I've been a pleaser all my life and I'm so ready to change. I'm going to try this...well not the walking naked! Lol Thank you!!!🤗🤗🤗
@susansamsel8080
4 жыл бұрын
Thanx! Balance is 🗝️in life. I'm an empathic gal with O.C.D., A.D.D., am bipolar as well... (please don't judge) Since I was in high school I was always aware that I didn't fit in... Years of life lessons & many self help studies (including Gods leading), I'm more well balanced ⚖️
@lazynoran1084
4 жыл бұрын
i've always had this problem as an INFJ well this feels new, but maybe i'll start posting my drawings for a start? thank you so much for these valuable lessons.
@mwl41223
4 жыл бұрын
This is one of the most significant videos I've seen in a long time. Wish I could have had this insight and affirmation years ago. Encouraging to know there are others like me 😊.
@WILD__THINGS
4 жыл бұрын
One of the most useful tools I have learned is to say "Fuck it". Yeah, this might not go over well, people may not like it, I may get criticism or even ridicule, I may fail or get rejected, people may never look at me the same again. But you know what....fuck it, it's coming from the heart so I'm going to do it regardless and let the chips fall where they may.
@vincentlin7372
3 жыл бұрын
This explains so much for me, feels so much more comfort that I am not the weird one
@natr411
5 жыл бұрын
Lol...I love the driving exercise! I have done this multiple times, but I have to intentionally engage it. It is work to be ok with yourself and not please everyone, to be direct instead of passive aggressive.
@andreasermakov1181
5 жыл бұрын
I've stopped thinking about what other people think about me cause I know that I'm awesome and everything is gold that I touch. Seriously. The best advice I can give is to really stop to give a shit about anything.
@janeofthejungle4
5 жыл бұрын
I’ve always said that I feel like a cat because I always land on my feet and my life has been a wild one. -extremely abusive childhood (violent narcissist mom-ENTJ). -I became a mom at 16 (to the awesomest INFP in the whole world) -I decided to start my life, literally from scratch, when my 4th child was under 2y/o. -l sneakily continued my education even though the superintendent said I wasn’t welcome in the school because I made them look bad. She literally said I didn’t belong there. Jerk. -I was married to an ENTP for 7 years, together for 9. Then we divorced. Failure. Just to mention a few of the things that I even CAN mention, on here. It gets a lot darker but that’s not for here. Anyway, even though my life has been kinda insane, I still always land on my feet and folks always have the misconception of me, that I’m some privileged little bitch who’s had the world handed to me on a silver platter. That perception could not be further from the truth, but it’s kinda satisfying to know that I can make people think I’m some little miss high society when I’m really just a scrappy little stray who simply lands on her feet whenever she falls, which is often.
@9fiveb180
5 жыл бұрын
Andreas Ermakov Ohhhhh honey. I genuinely hope you find the help you need to realize how wrong that blatant provocation was, and how silly it makes you sound.
@Richard-zm6pt
3 жыл бұрын
I think people-pleasing, or the impulse to want to please others, can be seen as a positive trait in that when other forces of personality might make one withdraw or feel life is pointless, having a strong sense of responsibility to others provides a great incentive to keep going, to break through some of the negative tendencies that go along with this personality. On the negative side, it can prevent one from being true to oneself, even in important life decisions, which can lead to some unnecessary misery. Day-to-day willingness to sacrifice for others is positive, but to sacrifice happiness or satisfaction in life in the larger sense is not; it isn't fair.
@vasssie
4 жыл бұрын
Thank you for making these long videos, they are really well constructed, also your voice is so calming and encouraging. I only recently started thinking about how inauthentic it is that I always cater to what the others want - didn't use to be this way when young but I think a relationship with a narcissist swayed me to the other way. I have started trying to give contra when being too complicit but it's not so easy - I just can't sit at a table knowing the others are not 100% pleased ... I will keep trying !
@grumpyschnauzer
5 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this video. This was spot on for what I needed. I shared in class today a piece of my mind/perspective on a case... the classroom falls dead heavy silent when I speak. This was the second time... it makes me feel so self conscious and then I think 🤔 was I out of line, was I too direct, too deep, too abstract? Ugh, it drives me bonkers. How do we know when we are out of line?
@ClayArnall
5 жыл бұрын
i think you have to get to a point where you actually trust your intuition. You might see things differently and in a way that challenges people. People that value tradition will have a hard time wrapping their heads around things that are presented in new ways. But you don't want to be a sheep. Be the tip of the spear instead. The world is changed by people with vision.
@invadercem2
Жыл бұрын
Been delivering pizzas as a side hustle for a couple of months. The “driver on your ass” trick really works. My trick is to flip the rear view mirror so their lights aren’t as bright at night.
@BlvckshadeMarle2265
2 жыл бұрын
I for one get repressed and it has never been a target zone to stay in effectively. You either by luck have to know what you're talking about and or skillfully evade unwanted target zone or situation. Repression is not an effective state for the developing thinking feeling person... it's best to exercise effectiveness.. if you're a person who naturally practices mental effectiveness you will get somewhere. I have a friend who is like that.
@super3mpath
2 жыл бұрын
Apparently practise pays off ....love your authenticity 👍
@angelam.8321
4 жыл бұрын
Thanks for this video. Man, I have noticed that when I feel like I can't be my authentic self, I pull away from the relationship, and stop all communication because of how I feel when I am around that person or the people. Since I am aware of this, I am working on being more intentional on presenting my true self to people and family. One huge takeaway from this video; I am going to exercise presenting my ideas and thoughts to people without thinking if they'll like it or not. I used to think I was a super private person, but I have now identified this as me hiding my true self due to fear of criticism of others. Thanks for the traffic example and fashion examples / challenges, I'll try these for sure. QUESTION: Is it difficult for you to watch your own videos or be satisfied with your finished work?
@hufflychii
4 жыл бұрын
As a fellow INFJ, I really relate to what you're saying. I remember someone calling me pretentious and "playing the victim". It completely destroyed me. I withdrew more and avoided the whole class, for a year ..
@realmaer6108
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing your experience. i think many empathetic people have issues with personal boundaries. And it's very problematic, because at some point your just stop to livsng your life for solving another people's problems.
@haziqshahbudin8318
4 жыл бұрын
The first few seconds of this video really touched me deep in my heart that I feel like I could cry because of the truth in what he said. This is probably my third or fourth video of him that I have watched. The first one i finished, the second one was too overwhelming for me that I just had to stop. Not because its bad but because the words that he said feels like somebody is addressing things that I feel and experience that I never before understood. A people pleaser, that is me. I always put everyone else’s happiness first before mine and many times I often wondered when would it be my time to be happy. I hope I would have the courage to hear everything that he said. Thank you.
@yjklee6451
4 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this video! It was much needed. Reflecting back on my life and freshman/sophomore year of college. I was the biggest people pleaser. I ran around the school from group to group, person to person, changing who I was like this shape shifting puddy. And those were the years I was most miserable looking back at it. I utterly hated myself. Like really hated. Recently I got a text from someone at my school who is quite popular and she told me that “everybody likes me.” And for some reason, these words didn’t spark joy. Instead my mind immediately went to the thoughts of how much I hated myself during those times. Which goes to show the dissonance or stark contrast between everybody liking me and internally hating myself because I wasn’t being true to myself.
@wasode20
Ай бұрын
This was so resonant ,thank you!
@mettechristensen7634
4 жыл бұрын
I feel if i help my family or other people in my life, i get friends and know some one will help me when i need it. But it is not really the case and i get disapoted, sad and frustrated. When i was a child i was told treat people like you whould like to be treated, meaby i took it to a to high level. My grandmom was a people pleaser and when she got sick with cancer, her "friends" did not visit her at the hospital and she felt alone.
@ptb4049
4 жыл бұрын
Good job Clay 😎👍 I like the auto analogy, feeling the driver behind me almost like they're touching the back of my brain
@9fiveb180
5 жыл бұрын
We learn to be confident in ourselves and our abilities by the way our primary care givers interacted with us during our formative years, right? But since something about that interaction was off somehow, we became hyper-vigilant and accustomed to pleasing those around us so that we felt safe and loved and accepted. Very much the same way we learned and were conditioned to by our primary care givers. So how does one teach themselves something that takes others cooperation and interaction to properly function?
@emmacarey2949
5 жыл бұрын
I'm glad you're finding your assertive voice Clay, you have it all going for yourself. I agree with your tests, the traffic one I've done a few times... very enjoyable I will say.infj in romantic relationships are at high risk of creative suppression.i remember a unique business plan I drafted and got backing from the enterprise board with set up costs etc... and my then partner ridiculed and mocked me to the point that I withdrew my proposal. He gaslighted my writing passion too and lots of other engagements I dabbled in.he was not the first. Us infjs are so talented and diverse and so authentic that our creative output can be "edgy". I'm putting out a book soon and I'm not holding back. We have unique content that needs to be born. I hope you continue those exotic photoshoots Clay and bypass those who project their own insecurities. Infjs now more than ever are lifting the veils and we are all on to great things here. Thanks for your video, you're a pleasure to watch. BTW...I named my 4 year old son Klay... Is there a story behind your birthname? If you're up to sharing
@ClayArnall
5 жыл бұрын
thanks for the comment. I believe my name came from this guy my mom knew. He was the best water skiier on the lake I grew up on :)
@emmacarey2949
5 жыл бұрын
@@ClayArnall fabulous:)
@nmjr547
5 жыл бұрын
Congratulations for your soon to be published book, for your son, and for being brave to not hold back! :) It makes me so angry when people get emotionally abused... specially by the people they love... But I think it's part of the things we have to learn as empaths. Stay strong 💪 INFJ hugs
@emmacarey2949
5 жыл бұрын
@@nmjr547 thank you Nicole, writing is cathartic for me, but when I say I won't be holding back, I don't mean pointing the finger externally in my upcoming memoir... But a self scrutiny of my infj processing of all travails in all terrains of my life, a hands up approach to my input conscious or not in all I've attracted in my thirty four years. infjs are open to abuse of all varieties, it just takes time for us to blossom and utilise all our tools to become ninjas. Infj hugs... I like that :)
@ksico
4 жыл бұрын
I would love to hear your thoughts on INFJ's perceiving that thoughtfulness is not being returned, and the negative thoughts we can have about it. Anytime I try to talk to someone about this, I feel like it comes across as whiny and unimportant or just caring too much what people think. Like getting down on yourself if someone doesn't respond the way, 'you think they should' even if you didn't have a specific expectation as far as reactions go. Like giving someone a gift or thoughtful card that seems to go unacknowledged or the thought you put in wasn't received, or a thoughtless gift given to you and you think, wow, they didn't put ANY thought into it and feeling overly bad about it. I hope that makes sense. You may already have one like this, but I just came across this channel today.
@ClayArnall
4 жыл бұрын
thanks for the recommendation.
@magotchii5225
3 жыл бұрын
I always listen to your videos while doing my school works. Its like hearing myself talk without me having to do so. My mind tends to wonder A LOT when I do things instead of focus on a task single mindedly, so this really helps my mind to shut up for a while hahaha. The topics you're talking about literally is what goes in and out of my mind all day.
@kimslone5185
4 жыл бұрын
People who work in customer service positions are used to wearing a people pleasing hat at work, then when we go home we do what makes sense about taking care of people and ourselves at the same time, and then the day is done. So often authentic pursuit of our own interests happens on weekends. And Customer Service is part of a lot of different roles in workplaces.
@gdyong8824
4 жыл бұрын
this has helped me alot. i am 18 and i have learned how to not be bothered by hate or love already. I am always telling my best friend that she doesnt need to get upset from one bad comment especially if its over the internet lol. Now i dont know how people can get so worked up over something so trivial lol. Anyway. The one yhing i am trying to learn if self confident about how people see me. So im going to do what you have suggested. i have so many fashion things. VERY not the usual college outfit types but I LOVE THEM so i will wear them all when i go back to college and not give a f. im going to try not having to look absolutly perfect when i walk out the door
@chericreasman9519
4 жыл бұрын
Sometimes it is not so much that they don't understand as it is they do and use it against you or just don't have time for your sensitivity.
@Maydenne
4 жыл бұрын
That traffic tip helps me so much 😂 It’s difficult but I do it often!
@LillithElaina
4 жыл бұрын
😂 I know right? I think we all do so you're not alone! (:
@Loverguy66
4 жыл бұрын
Yes, as a infj I’m always worried about pleasing others. The exposed to world commit is so relatable
@teejay8258
4 жыл бұрын
Awesome advice. Felt a cold shiver down my back when you talked about going at the speed limit with somebody behind you. Going to try it though 😄
@DropDeadInYourFacexD
3 жыл бұрын
When you want to retreat from the world, but you're such a big people pleaser, that you don't dare, because you're worried they will think you're not okay, even though you aren't, but you don't want them to know that??!?!
@astzfat3319
4 жыл бұрын
The "tools" you offer move the advice into reality, abling one to taking action! Much advice offers a purpose/goal and floorplan, lack building tools. Thank you very much for tools! I feel more empowered in my internal knowing, especially by the example of resistance being a good sign. Great model for this - President Trump and Swamp! He is empowered by resistence of haters!
@belcantoarias853
4 жыл бұрын
Thank you Clay for a great video again. I identify with every point you mention. Being a professional artist I know too well having been confronted with people, who had difficulties with me questioning tradional ways of interpretation. In these moments of innovative creation, It is very true we have to keep staying confident and not go into a hiding mode, because we are so put off by people. This can be challenging!
@camilkyblog
5 жыл бұрын
You have a very nice, gentle voice. Could you though try to turn the audio up for your future videos? 😊 Anyway, thank you for the video, I enjoy the way you speak. It shows that you are really thinking about what you're saying. I like the example excercises you gave, like driving at the speed limit even though there's an impatien person in the car behind you, or still going out even if you're dressed like a slop - I've been trying those, and even though it's not comfortable, I keep on trying. But I've realized that my problem is that I get these random sparks of energy and "rebelliousness" where I suddenly say fuck it to all the people pleasing behaviour and do something that nobody likes. Then, half an hour later, the moment's gone and I'm left with pissed people all around me and guilt gnawing at my insides like crazy. That's something I guess I struggle with the most...
@ClayArnall
5 жыл бұрын
I guess it depends on what 'rebelliousness' means. If it's something authentic from inside yourself, then you should just own it. Be yourself and don't feel bad. I guess the flip side is if you do something somewhat reckless or something, then yeah maybe that's a different story ha.
@BindingTheYoke
4 жыл бұрын
Ahh the INFJ sages sacred art of not giving a F!
@gailmaltese7277
4 жыл бұрын
This is spot on regarding narcissist people and the need to practice! I am a 56 yr old female. I did these things in my late 20s after soul searching and knew I had to become more uncomfortable. I had to change. I kept getting taken advantage of... or I was allowing it. I did lose friends too. But man......so worth it! I can walk down the street naked with self confidence but my professional life still worries about what everybody thinks.... still working on that. Good stuff.
@gzannegratt7525
4 жыл бұрын
I love how you explain everything on being authentic. Can I ask some tips on making a decision?
@LillithElaina
4 жыл бұрын
What do you mean by making a decision? What kind of tips are you looking for? (:
@gzannegratt7525
4 жыл бұрын
@@LillithElaina Hi, I just realized my decisions are often wrong, when I lose my interest in a certain job because of the people around.me that I don't like I easily quit and it usually leave me hanging looking for a new job.
@instar9737
5 жыл бұрын
Thank you! I really needed to hear this.
@tracystreet8338
3 жыл бұрын
I am a INFJ i like your teaching. Thank you
@rebeccafaith1
3 жыл бұрын
Clay - I watched this a few months ago. came back to see how I've been doing.. and i realize you have helped me to change my life, TY
@nicholasjh1
5 жыл бұрын
If only I had seen this video years ago. 😂. I can 100% back this up having gone through the process. One thing is that to some empathetic people who grow up in a dangerous area this trait may not show up as people pleasing but in general it's still the same idea.
@MithraSemiramis
5 жыл бұрын
I always say I don't care what others think but I do care how they feel. I'm an INFJ-A and an enneagram 5w4. I think I have decent perspective on this but I do have a tendency to take too much responsibility for other people. I think it's interesting to consider how altruism is self serving in a way for someone with Fe lol I'm totally guilty of the burn down 😂 usually when I later consider a perspective that wasn't in my mind when I posted. I agree about pushing boundaries 😊
@ClayArnall
5 жыл бұрын
I got the -T when I did that particular test. I think maybe the turbulent varieties are worse about this, but likely a problem for all INFJs
@KiteChaser
4 жыл бұрын
Oh man, stop describing me, it is creepy. But seriously, it is so spot on and it helps. Thank you Clayton
@victoriousjoy9338
2 жыл бұрын
Wow! That royal blue shirt looks so good on you!
@robertbordevik5072
4 жыл бұрын
This is incredibly accurate. Get out of my head wizard 😱
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