Obnoxious?! I'll give you obnoxious ...
Perhaps you haven't heard yet, but Cincinnati Reds announcer Marty Brennaman had some choice words about me and my Cubs fan brethren after a group of them ... hilariously, I might add ... tossed a flurry of baseballs onto the field following an Adam Dunn home run during Wednesday's game.
A number of hurtful charges were levied. I have spent the past hour shaking my fists, punching walls and scarfing down hot dogs in blind rage. But now that I have composed myself, I feel prepared to respond.
"This is the kind of thing quite honestly, right now, that makes you want to see this Chicago Cubs team lose."
What, a well-executed practical joke that delayed the game maybe an extra minute or two (also known as the time it takes Paul Konerko to go from first third)? Shouldn't you save your righteous indignation for when we REALLY get out of hand and make with the garbage tossing and animal sacrifices? Brennaman's rant was WAY out of proportion with the deed in question and likely a byproduct of the fact that his team was being whipped handily on the day in question.
As for wanting to see the Cubs lose ... they're your division rivals, shouldn't you want to see them lose? Is that why the Reds have done so poorly in recent years? Have they been losing to the Brewers on purpose because their fans are so nice and cuddly?
"Far and away the most obnoxious fans in baseball in this league."
That's right! Number one baby! Brennaman declines to ponder whether or not the Cubs might be more obnoxious than the Red Sox or Yankee fans over in the American League. (Note: Brennaman seems to equate "obnoxious" with "best attended teams, home and away, in baseball"). Perhaps if we had trouble filling up our brand-spanking-new ballpark, we would be more tolerable, eh old boy?
Now, I don't want to be overly harsh here. My mother hails from the fair city of Cincinnati. I think Graeter's ice cream and Skyline chili are both delicious taste treats. I rode my first roller-coaster at King's Island. But don't you think this whole "obnoxious" rant might be coming from a little residual bitterness about having been completely irrelevant for the past decade or so?
"They won't win [the division], because at the end of the day they still are the Chicago Cubs."
I'm sorry? Who were we when we won the division last year? The Bears? The Chicago Double-Secret White Sox? The Chicago Fighting Obnoxious Unicorn Fairy Princesses?
We all know the Cubs have a historically spectacular propensity for losing. But they've still had three, count 'em, THREE playoff appearances since the Reds last showed up at the party in 1995. To put that in historical perspective, the Reds have not been in the playoffs since Coolio and "Gangsta's Paradise" ruled the pop charts. Poor Michelle Pfeiffer, how WILL she reach those inner-city youths?
Yes, I'm well aware of the Big Red Machine and even the 1990 Reds that featured Chris Sabo, Jose Rijo, Rob Dibble and ... LOU PINIELLA!! (Could that be the source of all the bitterness?) But we live in a "what have you done for me lately" society, and lately the Reds haven't done much. So, Marty, we can understand the frustration with us big, mean, obnoxious, ticket-purchasing, team-supporting Cubs fans. The nerve of us.
"Anyone who blames a goat, for that long of losing. That's silly."
Oh no he didn't! NO. HE. DID. NOT. He just went "goat" on us, y'all. Dropped the g-bomb. Why do you have to go there Marty? It's painful enough living with myself and my obnoxiousness. Now you go and bring the goat into it?
I've said it before, I'll say it again. Anyone who sincerely believes a goat has anything to do with the Cubs losing is not a real Cubs fan. First of all, the alleged goat incident happened in 1945. The Cubs were already well into their dubious streak at that point. Second of all ... IT'S A GOAT.
So you and I agree there, Marty. It is silly to blame a goat. Which is why we don't. The goat saga is perpetuated primarily by outsiders like yourself who like to portray us as completely insane. Which we are. But that's not the reason.
I mean, this is the kind of thing, quite honestly, that makes me not like all Reds announcers, because quite frankly, they are crusty old bullies.
Name calling isn't so much fun when it comes back at you, is it Marty?
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to drive to Marty Brennaman's house, pelt it with numerous baseballs, urinate in his bushes, vomit on his front steps, set a bag of doggy business aflame on top of said vomit, and then bleach a Cubs logo into his front lawn.
I'm a Cubs fan. We just don't know any better.
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