What is the most embarrassing antique that someone could get valued on the Antiques Roadshow?
How will Clive react when an Irish farmer brings a Hiace van full of his father's favourite adult literature for valuation once he's cleaned the goatshit off?
Writer/Director: Jorma Kirkko
Starring: Jorma Kirkko as Clive and Jamie T. Murphy as Ray
#britishcomedy #irishcomedy #AntiquesRoadshow #VintagePorn #IrishFarmer #embarrassing #comedysketch #amateurporn #innuendo #hilarious #cringe #MiddleEnglandSketch #LickeyEnd #TVParody #Talkingistanbullockspodcast #episode70
Transcript:
Antiques Roadshow Music
Clive Farquhar: Good evening all and welcome to another edition of Antiques Roadshow with me Clive Farquhar in the Worcestershire village of Lickey End. If you’re under 50 and watching us unironically, put down the bag of powder and go to bed. You’ve a job to get to in the morning to keep far more important people than you in their own bags of powder.
If you’re joining us from Middle England, hooray for Charles and boo to Meghan.
Now tonight, we have a mismatch of desperate people showing us absolute tat in exchange for money. It’s like Cash Converters but for people who don’t pawn theirs and can actually watch it. First up we have Ray from Lickey End. Ray, how do you do?
Ray: I do fine. What's that supposed to mean?
Clive: I was asking how you're doing?
Ray: I’m alright, yeah. Still a little bit shook. I nearly didn't make it. Hoor of a drive. I'm pretty sure the big end was overheating all the way, Clive.
Clive: This is a family show…
Ray: (indignant) I know, Clive. I'm not talking about the old lad, the John Thomas, the third leg, the...
Clive: I do have to remind you it's a family show
Ray: I'll tell you something about families, Clive. I had two sisters in the back of me van last night. Absolute filth but I tell you what, they'd make a cow jealous. (Laughs)
Silence. Clive coughs.
Clive: Ray you can't talk like that about women I'm afraid
Ray: I'm not talking about women for feck's sake. They were a pair of goats. Shit all over the Hiace but they were prime for milking, Clive.
Clive: Anyway, Ray. Just a gentle reminder. We have quite a conservative audience. Could you turn down the 'agricultural' language and the innuendo? We want to help you sell your family heirloom.
Ray: I hope you're not suggesting I'm being smutty.
Clive: Absolutely not.
Ray: I was an altar boy, I’ll have you know,...
Clive: Moving on. What did you bring for us Ray?
Ray: Well it's something that's been in the family a long time, Clive. Would you believe Father O'Flaherty gave these to my da and he got them from his own father? or so they tell me
Clive: I'm intrigued.
We hear the sound of plastic bags being opened and rummaged through. Magazines being put onto the table.
Ray: Now, catch a squiz at these.
Clive: Ray, are they....
Ray: Vintage erotica? Yes of course, Clive. But well kept, mind.
Clive: Oh, let me see. Filthy Traffic Wardens, Mucky Dinner Ladies and Slutty Cleaners. My, my Ray I’m speechless. I mean we...
Ray: All laminated as you can see, Clive. Pristine order. Your man the producer said you'd look at any antiques
Clive: Are they all original? What age would you say these are?
Ray: Well they were me dads, Clive. He always liked sharing his hobbies. Gave me that copy of Mucky Dinner Ladies just before he died. I remember his last words to me as he handed it over, (getting emotional). Ray, he said, I’ve decorated my stomach looking at this magazine more times than you’ll ever know. Just do me one favour. He said, (starts to cry). Don’t look at page 25, your mam is the centrefold. I miss you Mammy. God Bless your soul.
Clive: Well, that was quite something. Ray, I'm just looking at this edition of Filthy Traffic wardens and it's dated July 12th 1988.
Ray: (Hurt) So what? That's a pretty old jazz mag, you know. I'm proud of it. I've got hundreds of them in the van if the goats didn't shit on them on the way here. So do you want to buy them or not, Clive? Slutty Cleaners has Barbara from Oxford in it, you know the big hair, ever so subtle heavy makeup and more dark undergrowth than you'd see in a Nigerian jungle.
Clive: I'm sorry we can't proceed with this. Cut. And next we've got a woman called Norma who's got some rather interesting war memorabilia.
Негізгі бет Комедия The Most Awkward Antiques Roadshow Moment Ever (BRITISH AND IRISH COMEDY SKETCH)
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