My last two exes have been avoidants. The first one really did a number on me, and truth be told so did the second, but now that things have subsided I see things with more clarity and I'm less likely to fall back into old patterns. They've both reached out since & we're “friends”, emphasis on the quotes, because we don't really click. But it's taken a long time to get here. I used to ugly cry and try to get some compassion out of them; of course, it never worked. It took not talking for me to realize how our opposing attachment styles created a cycle of abuse, and to rise above to break that cycle. I'm still working on myself, and part of me is still reeling over the trauma of both relationships (hence why I watch videos like yours). I found this video helpful, thank you for uploading!
@byjohnobrien
23 күн бұрын
Yes the insecure attachment styles can create a cycle of abuse. It's important to understand your attachment style so that you can put an end to the cycle. Glad its helping and thanks for sharing.
@Nazareyes-zu3ul
25 күн бұрын
I’m dealing with a fearful avoidant. I can see some signs or feelings for me but they are minimal. She doesn’t respond much and sometimes goes completely quiet. She doesn’t like to talk much and has been isolating from everyone according to her own words. Personally I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style but I’ve been learning to trust and let go. Trust God, speak the truth in love, and let it go.
@byjohnobrien
23 күн бұрын
Its good that you are learning to trust and let go, that's what a secure person usually does.
@LosmitosdeDaniellefer
24 күн бұрын
Now, I can say that I have a secure attachment but back in the day, this avoidant person made me feel anxious, something I had never experienced. I suffered and cried a lot. That's how I learned about attachment theory and decided to distance myself. At first the avoidant left my messages on seen, he didn't respond for hours, days. My natural attitude was to pause contact. I developed new hobbies, I went back to the gym, I met new people, I did a lot of introspection and therapy that I needed. What happened? He came back, as if nothing had happened, a couple of months later but my feelings had changed. Today I still have a lot of affection for him as a friend but I would never go back to that time. However, I continue to learn about attachment because in addition to being very interesting, it is healing. Thanks John and greetings to everyone going through this, whatever your type of attachment.
@byjohnobrien
23 күн бұрын
Thank you so much for sharing this. Looks like you have come a long way on your healing journey. Really wishing you the best and glad this has helped.
@LosmitosdeDaniellefer
23 күн бұрын
@@byjohnobrien thank you.
@nompilosibisi7725
26 күн бұрын
I got pregnant within 3 months of the relationship. He was present from the very beginning, kind and loving... he withdrew during my last trimester and I got confused because it seemed like he changed overnight. This was in February. I hardly saw nor heard from him. I guess I was lucky that he managed to available himself for the the birth of our son. He loves his son but rarely reaches out because he avoids opening up to me.
@censored4770
26 күн бұрын
Maybe try not having a baby with someone you've only dated for 3 months 🤷♂️ might help who knows
@cspace1234nz
25 күн бұрын
@@censored4770….Lol ! True
@USN_Fleet_DEI
25 күн бұрын
Sorry for your pain, focus your love on your son and on yourself, there is no silver bullet to fix all that you have been through but you have already demonstrated such strength to get to today. Prayers for you and your son, you both are now the nucleus of your life, blessings upon you.
@byjohnobrien
23 күн бұрын
Sorry for the unfortunate experience. Really wishing you the best moving forward.
@tyhergenreder6606
26 күн бұрын
FA ex came back after a month of no contact and wanted to get back together. Love bombed and REALLY pushed for us to be official but i asked for more time. She had been with other partners and I asked for us to be tested before being intimate. Projected shame and fear of vulnerability onto me and said they no longer wanted to pursue the relationship after ghosting my message for 3 days.
@CitiesOfAsh
26 күн бұрын
Knowing she's been with multiple men you still want her? What's wrong with you man move tf with your life.
@byjohnobrien
23 күн бұрын
Sorry to hear. Consistency is so important in a relationship. Hope that's what you find moving forward.
@AndreaS-kj4rb
25 күн бұрын
I have a one of a kind relationship with this avoidant, we have been on and off for a period of 15 years. Up until a year ago, I didn't know anything about attachment styles, I thought he was a class of his own. He had shared a lot about himself, though kept quiet about his relationships. I wondered WHY he felt he had to date more than one person as well as woman who has conform to his habits to achieve the freedom he longs for. (his thought program of freedom is not true freedom bc he sets it up in being complacent) He knows I don't conform, and we have chased each other for awhile. I've felt this pull to work things out with him, and pushed hard to make him see what he was doing. Finally I pulled away / detached, no communication for 2.5 years now, and I've dated other people to find what I want in a relationship. In the midst of working on my inner work I will get inklings / intuitive thoughts that he is thinking of me and just about to communicate again. Nope.. not yet anyway. I 100% believe he is meant for me, and once I hear from him, I will let him know YES I want to continue working it out with him.
@byjohnobrien
23 күн бұрын
Sounds like a long journey. I'm glad you've come a long way in discovering your needs in a relationship. Thanks for sharing this insight. Just remember if he does come back, to be careful and make sure he is willing to change and do the work. Hope things work out.
@johnkaiser6710
26 күн бұрын
Both, the discard came as no more contact I'm done. Ten days later she reached out. We've messaged periodically then going on three weeks ago I got blocked on messenger, I was unfriended a couple of months ago. We had agreed we have good memories and when I shared one of mine and asked her what one of hers was I got the block.
@byjohnobrien
23 күн бұрын
Sorry to hear about the experience. Wishing you the best moving forward. Look for consistency.
@NanoAulas
23 күн бұрын
I figured I am an avoidant. Last 8 months I've been going back and forth with my ex. Last week was the last time, now we're single. She is an anxious pre-occupied, so she always reach out first... And I always return cuz I have no bad feelings for her, only good stuff. She gives me everything a man may want, but somehow it's not enough and I'm sure I shouldn't be in the relationship (read "shouldn't" and not "don't want") anyways...
@byjohnobrien
23 күн бұрын
It sounds like as an avoidant, you are working on your communication skills. Wish you the best and thanks for sharing.
@Bud-cp3ct
23 күн бұрын
Hi , I'm on the avoidant side, and I have always attracted "very affectionate " (sometimes excesive) anxious chasers. But now I'm on the anxious side bc I think I'm chasing a more avoidant than me, and somehow it has turned me crazy. Of course I ended exhausted and went no contact for my own mental health. Guess what? Everytime I left I got morse code signals , just to be ignored when I reach out. She acts like a "friend" and like nothing happens( we are coworkers in a very big building, but from time to time we share mails, and see in person, very affeccionate,), we share good vibes but she reaches to me kindly from time to time, only to vanish for weeks and respond cold to my friendly messages asking for a coffe, wich I think it frightens her. . Also she likes all of my ig posts, even if I obviously I don't even see hers...any suggestions?
@byjohnobrien
20 күн бұрын
First of all it's actually a good sign that you are becoming a LITTLE more anxious, as this means your avoidant attachment style is healing. I would suggest that you have an open and honest discussion with her about what you both are looking for. If she is not willing to have that discussion, then reconsider if this is the right person for you. A healthy relationship is built on healthy communication.
@natashaerinia1625
6 күн бұрын
I have an ex who breakup with me within 1 month of relationship 😅 It was so sudden I thought that everything's going fine, but turns out that he already start to devalued me (from what I heard from your other video). I accept the breakup and I didn't try to make him stay either. Because I don't want to be together with someone who doesn't want me anyway. A few days after the breakup I reached out to him first to wish him a happy birthday, and I was surprised with his quick response. Like he responded right away. I haven't replied with anything since then, but I do still curious and cannot understand with his way of thinking, this video and the other videos helped me alot to underwear about avoidants and somehow what's going on with them
@byjohnobrien
5 күн бұрын
You don't deserve to be devalued. I'm glad your learning more about attachment styles. Wish you the best. Thanks for being here.
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