It totally makes sense that getting frustrated with other people's vulnerability only happens because I was never given that space. :( I never let myself be the victim because I learned to take radical responsibility for my emotions. Healing avoidance feels so weird because it makes me sink into victimhood and pain that I never wanted to believe was valid.
@jamesbow5916
2 жыл бұрын
This is really good. One thing I've noticed with my avoidant friends is how easily they get triggered, angry or uncomfortable the second someone exhibits vulnerability or shows intense negative emotions. They will label that person a narcissist or crazy. I've even seen friends do this: I'm sharing something deeply vulnerable or important to me, and it makes them so uncomfortable that they reach for their phone to check their notifications. After this happened about 3 different times, I realized what was going on. My own display of vulnerability makes them so uncomfortable they seek a distraction as a way to self regulate.
@charissastella8920
Жыл бұрын
Wow thanks for sharing it makes sense
@DahliaDance
Жыл бұрын
Oooof, James, yes. I’ve experienced this a lot in life. How do we, mostly anxious AS, folks HEALTHFULLY respond to that behavior? I’ve recently felt quite devastated when I’ve been authentic and vulnerable and then my partner starts looking at a magazine or criticize me. It’s so painful. 😢
@dear.aprisa
Жыл бұрын
Wow thank you for noticing and sharing here. That’s helpful 🙏🏼
@tentimes2660
Жыл бұрын
The story of my family meals.
@lianxie5582
Жыл бұрын
Consider that perhaps you were emotionally dumping on them - this KZitemr had a video explaining that! It really helped me :)
@Dd94949
Жыл бұрын
Operant condition = what was rewarded in childhood = your parents "rewarded" you in childhood for being self reliant by maintaining connection (ie your need for adult protection) - this same parent would have "punished" you by breaking connection if you were too emotional or needy (which deeply scare said parent because in their childhood they had this same experience - if I am not self reliant, I am vulnerable and alone - very scary to an infant!). "If I am not self reliant, I lose the protection and care of my parent aka access to the good/loving parent."
@lrivera31
6 ай бұрын
Yeah, people who are co-dependent, vulnerable, over-emotional, etc. it triggers me. I get quiet around people like this and plan my exit temporarily or permanently. We are wired to think and NOT act that way from childhood trauma. This is 100% true. I'm working on checking myself in the moment that it's ok to be vulnerable and open with others and people sometimes genuinely need others to listen. I draw the line at constant complaining, though.
@tysonmichael6485
Жыл бұрын
This made me cry. I know as a DA I’ve had partners I’d look at strangely or judge because of the way they’d display their vulnerability and I’d call them names and make fun and that was so mean. I never seen myself as valid or valued for my sensitivity crying and vulnerability so I unknowingly became cold especially in my dating love life. I had to take a break cause I realized I’m not right. I bullied many men and people fro being denied to share with me vulnerability or get to close emotionally because I wasn’t allowed to express that in my house. I’m just glad to heal myself now ❤
@angelamossucco2190
8 ай бұрын
Your self- reflection and willingness to do work to improve is magnificent.
@Alexandermhinton
4 ай бұрын
Problem is, the damage is done.
@stefanmatton8778
9 ай бұрын
The thing is, some people DO weaponise vulnerability in order to force guilt onto the other person.
@lanichilds2825
18 күн бұрын
Yesh I am sure I have done that before when I was angry
@Indigo_outlaw
Жыл бұрын
Dang! That last one of "I'm ok you're not ok" I never knew this was a part of avoidant attachment style. (I've just come to realize aa of late, that's my attachment style). I used to harshly judge those who play victim roles and can't control their own emotions 😬 I'm working on it, but this video is so helpful for helping recognize patterns. Thank you
@shubhagarwal9812
8 ай бұрын
Man, I cannot recognize my past self. I am entirely changed now; I cannot believe what I used to believe and how I used to treat myself. As my self-view changed, and I started to enter the realm of self-love, my perception and treatment of other people also changed. Like 1.5 years ago, I used to think that I had high intrapersonal intelligence, which was so naive, and I wanted high interpersonal intelligence as well. I wanted to increase my empathy towards other people but never was able to do that. I mean, how can I when I was not empathetic towards myself?
@goodorangekitten
6 ай бұрын
The three signs: (1) you start to see somatic and emotional experiences as data (2) you stop idealizing past and present; do without you contempt for "victims" (3) you begin to validate others' pain
@junbh2
6 ай бұрын
Hmm. I feel like I do all those things pretty well, yet I don't seem to be getting any better at forming relationships. Maybe what I actually have is more social anxiety than anything else.
@quantumviewtherapy8926
23 күн бұрын
@@junbh2 That makes sense. Relationship is in a state of absolute disarray due to the profoundly sick society we are surrounded by. Social anxiety is rampant and often covered up by denial and false happy moods, which cause more social anxiety for those around the ones who deny.
@AmieFolkman.NewHomes
Жыл бұрын
My mind is blown. I thought that these views I’ve “projected” onto others were valid. It never occurred to me that victimhood or ranges of emotion was healthy. Wow, wow, wow! Thank you for clearly articulating this point! I think this will help me on my healing journey from a BPD parent and have more compassion for myself and others.
@jhlfsc
9 ай бұрын
Mindblowing! Completely mindblowing! The ONLY part about my realization of being a "dismissive avoidant" that I could not (and still struggle to) understand was how I became this way when I was always so grateful deep down inside to have parents who I knew loved me without question. I know they made mistakes, but thank God I never remember feeling unloved or uncared for. Perhaps that is one of the ironic gifts a Dismissive Avoidant has in that even if we were mistreated, we honestly do not have a conscious realization of it?? In other words, it doesn't come from a place of conscious denial, but rather genuinely not being able to put our finger on it.
@Notactiveatalllll
Жыл бұрын
If anybody looking for a book like this there one called Adult children of emotionally immature parents
@harveyts3
Жыл бұрын
It's interesting to me. I have all the room in the world for others to feel whatever they need to and live their emotions. I never get frustrated with others unless they push me into situations where I cannot get my own space to process my feelings. I feel like I'm half way towards healing but the last half the half where I am able to feel my feelings instead of just labeling them is close to out of my reach. I'm super calm, I endeavor towards kindness and understanding for everyone else but I cannot excuse myself from anything other than perfect control. I think only my wife would say that I'm even avoidant. I hear from people who do not have to live with me all the time how good of a listener I am, and how reassuring I am when others are struggling. I sometimes wonder if that isn't in part due to my own calm nature and the senseratity in my love for others I'm able to demonstrate. I wondering if I hadn't ended up this way what I might have been like. I it seems was born to love people with little effort. I feel very lucky to be excited to meet new people and to see intrinsic value in others.
@robertdais7569
9 ай бұрын
I'm so deeply grateful for your YT channel. Your insights are so clear & non-judgmental that they are easy to reflect on and implement into one's life. I'd nominate you as best of YT in your category if such an award existed!🎉
@leahsamaniego4507
4 ай бұрын
In my case, when I was younger it was harder for me to sit with people who were having strong negative or what I perceived as negative emotions. Now that I’m healing more, I can sit with these people and objectively respect what they’re going through but I have a very strong negative INTERNAL response. It’s repulsive to me and it’s difficult for me to be around in more than short bursts. I also struggle with people who I see as just complaining or venting without doing anything to help things themselves or find solutions to their problems or feelings. I’m so much better than I was but there’s a lot more work to do because the same responses I have to outside people is also how I react to MYSELF when I’m experiencing a strong emotional or negative experience.
@jasonwilkerson9497
3 ай бұрын
I always remember from Lenore Thomson's "Personality Handbook" on the MBTI that "Just because you think it's irrational, does not mean it is unreasonable."
@surehang
2 ай бұрын
this was mind blowing to watch. I've noticed all 3 signs without intentionally working on this type of healing, but I've struggled a lot with this lately. Maybe because I'm able to notice these patterns now. thank you! great video
@gabrielguyenot3960
Жыл бұрын
I definitely fall into the avoidant category. Particularly the central locus of control, and getting frustrated when others don't operate that way. At this point I can empathize (robotically) with someone showing intense emotion, but I am still disgusted and judgmental of those who allow their emotional overspill to affect other people's quality of life. Specifically like seeing a drug addict trying to steal to fuel their addiction, or an emotionally needy person who can't stop themselves from trying to extract interaction out of me.
@mattng4707
8 ай бұрын
Agree
@EngyAbuAlQasim
2 жыл бұрын
THIS VIDEO IS SO BEAUTIFUL.... IM CRYINGGG... THANK U SO MUCHHHHHH.
@Adam326
Жыл бұрын
Your stuff is helping me out of this pattern so I can be a better partner and person. What’s confusing to me is I can’t tell if it’s intuition or my DA driving me to seek solitude. But at the same time I value my relationship and love my partner very much, I don’t want to give it up. Even though I know it would bring a type of relief, I would deeply regret it later.. This conflict is hellish, but I’m willing to work on it
@YouTubeWatcherX1947
Жыл бұрын
Respect and gratitude! You've been a guiding light in my healing process. Can't thank you enough. 🙏🏻
@cheravie1
2 жыл бұрын
Your videos have helped me so much!! Thank you!
@yotongus
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much, Heidi, for all your videos.
@jainy1707
7 ай бұрын
This added soo much clarity. Thank you soo much. I love your long vids, too much great info. ❤❤❤
@alexistokarska9541
Жыл бұрын
I'm in a process of healing my attachment style after a breakup with anxiously attached boy and dearest lord it is sooo true, I am so scared. I told myself that I'm gonna start working on feeling my emotions and sometimes it's good, the other time I'm like "wait is this normal to have this emotion? I had it yesterday and the day before too, does that mean I'm frequently sad? Am I depressed? Should I kill these emotions right in the roots?" It's really exhausting sometimes. Some days ago I found a meditation for feeling and connecting to emotions and feelings, and I see how it helps me, so it may be a good idea for other avoidants.
@antoniafuenzalida9497
Жыл бұрын
Thank you sooo much for your incredible content, i feel so seen and relieved to know why i have this especific type thoughts and emotions process
@Ennpey
2 жыл бұрын
This is so helpful. Thank you ♥♥♥ Your videos have already helped me start healing a lot!!
@EngyAbuAlQasim
2 жыл бұрын
this video was like a sign from the universe for me. i'm so grateful! thank u for your efforts and making this video. ♥
@Birdsfan21
Жыл бұрын
Thanks so much for this video, Heidi. I'm DA on the journey to secure and always curious if I'm on the right track. Thankfully I checked all these boxes! Still work to do, but man so many emotions haha. I credit a very good friend helping me through seeing other perspectives and impact vs intent. You're videos are tremendously helpful.
@bolinhojpeg
6 ай бұрын
This video was a very good punch to the face, I didn't even realise that I judged other people when they were being vulnerable, but now that I'm consciously thinking about it... I do that A LOT. So I'll start working on changing that mindset, thank you very much for the amazing content.
@Madamekittylein
2 жыл бұрын
Your content is so inspiring to think new ways about me, my past and how I perceive the world. It's one of the most helpful resources to get better, thank you so much! Love from ENFP ❤️❤️❤️❤️
@cnunez13
Ай бұрын
Thanks for this video! That last point really hit home
@cornellcutie1
17 күн бұрын
You always have quality content and are great and breaking down things in a way that is easier to understand. Thank you!
@luciacollotto641
11 ай бұрын
Very useful and simple tips !! Thank you so much
@mrstoner2udude799
2 ай бұрын
Mindblowing insight. Compassion for the emo responses of others is key for me in this area.
@stevewhite791
7 ай бұрын
Heidi is out here saving souls. This is great info. Really resonates with me. I forgot all about I’m ok you’re ok. College 101
@philima
9 ай бұрын
Oh, radical responsibility....😮 Yeah, i dont like vulnerability, it really frustrates me at times. I feel like ppl are weak or doing something that pushes their "unmentionables" onto me. I think deep down its a "im not allowed, so why do you think you are allowed" to be vulnerable... I do get offended by this. This is a weird reaction... I guess i should be happy for them to be able. But i guess ill accept this internal rule first and then develop a curiosity for the others and try to become more vulnerable myself.
@Inoveon
2 жыл бұрын
So much good stuff here, all 3 signs resonate a lot with me, which makes me happy! One thing I noticed with the last sign is that it's taken me a long time with my previous partner to differentiate between them being vulnerable and sharing where they are at emotionally vs them dumping/being verbally aggressive. Since I'd been learning so much about all things therapy and trauma and attachment, I did a mental translation in my head when my partner was swearing at me that went something like "oh they are angry and I can hear that". Today I view that as really damaging to myself and I make it important to myself how someone displays their emotions with vulnerability or like a weapon. In Radical Honesty they call this the difference between radical honesty and brutal honesty, the former including one's own vulnerability and the latter being more a weaponizing of emotions. I'm curious on your take on this from an attachment perspective. I've experienced this as a big trap for my avoidant attachment pattern. Since I wanted to stay in connection longer and not be as flighty, I overlooked that there are moments where there isn't real connection, but abuse happening. At least, that's my analysis looking at it from today.
@jamesbow5916
2 жыл бұрын
I feel you. My ex weaponized his emotions against me and anyone else any time he felt threatened (which was any time his emotions were not regulates.... which was often!). It wasn't until after the relationship was over that I better understood how much this wounded me. I had a lot to work through after that relationship.
@VV-ik7sy
Жыл бұрын
Oh man….I had a strong pull-back bodily response when you talked about holding space for our victimhood. This video helped me realize I’m not as healed as I thought. But I’m definitely working on it. (Since I’m always curious about the types of people commenting-I’m an Infj 1w2)
@miyane447
10 ай бұрын
I’m an INFP and i feel you. I’m also not rlly healed bc i always say my parents were great and i had a good childhood, but i think i’m finally starting to admit i did not always get my emotional needs the way i needed
@JeffD-fe7qg
2 ай бұрын
Number three is defiantly eye opening. I am a recovering Dismissive and have a hard time with my wife's anxious style. This is very helpful. Thank you!
@theladyamalthea
11 ай бұрын
Hallelujah! I’m healing!!
@Ursaminor31
Жыл бұрын
I learned about unconditional love and support by the opposite at home. Greatest test to figure out and reverse.
@anthonyyarborough4231
Жыл бұрын
Mind blowing. Thank you so much
@l.soloproductions1465
Жыл бұрын
Great video and very helpful!
@russellschmidt3593
Жыл бұрын
This was enlightening thank You
@maxzoe948
Жыл бұрын
Great video, many thanks.
@rabbitcreative
11 ай бұрын
7:51 Thank-you for your usage of 'rational'. In my experience, people use that word to mean, "doing or not doing something I disagree with". So if A does something B agrees with, then B says, "that's rational", and "irrational" otherwise. I take my 'definition' (functional-definition) from Ludwig von Mises, that 'rational' describes a scenario when a person uses particular means to achieve a desired outcome, even if the means chosen didn't yield the desired outcome.
@saltriverpirate3172
Жыл бұрын
I checked all the boxes on an earlier video, was interesting. Not sure about the 'healing' thing. I appreciate that autism has been described as a spectrum and increasingly see all human situations in terms of shades and nuance. That said, I also appreciate a number of people on that spectrum have made the point they do not consider themselves broken and don't want to be 'fixed'. I have never been more free and at peace. No issues with past mistakes or partners, I accept I am the common thread in all of the dumb things that have happened in my life and forgive myself for not being that smart. Take responsibility, NO good lesson comes from blaming others for anything.
@mahnoor2775
3 ай бұрын
Watching this and feeling moved because I can finally relate to this😭🥺 and it feels soo good
@ChaiLatte13
5 ай бұрын
wow ty! It seems in some areas I am doing better but many areas I am really bad.
@Gk2003m
11 ай бұрын
2:40: one need not idealize childhood in order to forgive the transgressions visited upon you during that time.
@Flavortastical
Жыл бұрын
5:16 Oh dang, Those Joe Rogan interviews where he's talking with Bert Kreischer! Bert is just dancing through life, trusting in the universe and Joe wants him to take accountability so bad! I react similarly to people like Bert and I suppose this is why
@GoddessHabits
Жыл бұрын
Oddly, I took radical responsibility for 30 years and then went through a 4-5 year period of intense victim identity. Maybe it was me trying to integrate.
@sunbeam9222
Жыл бұрын
Same
@grounded.growing.and.glowing
2 жыл бұрын
thank youuuuuu❤️❤️❤️❤️
@Chidi_xx
7 ай бұрын
For me it’s feeling comfortable actually saying how I feel and not feeling uncomfortable to say it. Or feel it. But once i started feeling it and saying it out loud I feel less repressed and happier
@Embarasin
Ай бұрын
It took me a number of years to comprehend that i had medical, dental, Enviornmental relational, trauma because my parents said our childhood was good.. and i never thought to consider until therapy that i had been neglected emotionally , medically, mentally. I had to give little me a name and care about her and also parent her .. about choices i made which led me into Bad relationships and unsafe situations. I might be in the 3rd shift…. But i need to work on that..
@user-rb5bd3yo9i
4 ай бұрын
Thank you!!!!❤
@mahnoor2775
3 ай бұрын
Please do a more detailed video (later stages pf healing)
@ayabakr6908
2 ай бұрын
Grateful ❤
@rabbitcreative
11 ай бұрын
5:05 Sounds like my mom. And I think I understand, at least in part, why. Hmm... Especially at 6:08. Incredible.
@sunnyjim369
Жыл бұрын
Thankyou ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤!!!
@jpkeen
Жыл бұрын
Thank you
@Baltabak
9 ай бұрын
me driving on the road with other people. sees/involved driving behavior I dont like/wouldn't do. me: "I'm OK. You are not OK."
@miyane447
10 ай бұрын
AAAAAAAH !!! ALL I CAN SAY WHEN I WATCH THESE AVOIDANT VIDEOS ❤️ tbh i’m all aware of them but someone speaking out loud is so different-INFP
@truephysx2356
Жыл бұрын
This is also indicative of a lot of how the military trains people to behave too. It’s always someone’s fault about this or that, so someone has to take responsibility.
@breezybrookshire
6 ай бұрын
This was really hard to listen to. I’ve noticed how hard it is to see other people taken things personally, feel pain, etc. because it was best as a child to be the quiet good girl. Now as a recovering people pleaser AND trying to heal the avoidance, it’s a strange dance of knowing when to reach out to others.
@ferpc0394
Жыл бұрын
Hello all, I need help and suggestions, PLEASE! 🙌🏼 I have anxious attachment (preoccupied) and my ex-boyfriend has avoidant attachment. He reached out about getting back together. Since the breakup I have been doing inner work and will start therapy this month (for my own sake, not just because of the breakup). One of the ways I can see us moving forward in our relationship is both working on our traumas. I know that he is opposed to therapy (and as an avoidant, that may feel very counterintuitive for him - like major alarm bells) and previously (before we broke up) he was considering my suggestion on couple therapy. Dear avoidants, how can I introduce the topic of therapy without sounding like an ultimatum, demand, making you feeling trapped or forcing? I am lost. I think therapy would help in the long term. I love him SO much, but I know that I can’t be the only one doing the self work in the relationship. I appreciate anyone how could shed a light! ✨🙏🏼🌼 sending peace and light! Appreciate it P.s: thank you so much Heidi for your insightful videos ❤️ they are really helpful!
@gogyoo
Жыл бұрын
You can't, really. Either he is convinced he has a problem, or you will butt heads in your second try at the relationship.
@sunbeam9222
Жыл бұрын
A lot of DA are not charmed by therapy that doesn't mean they don't do inner work. Other attachment style are more expensive and rely on others to do inner work. A lot of DA don't function like that. I'm a DA and I come from much abuse. I was a real real mess. I never did go therapy but I did work on myself big time for the past 8 years. Often times when I mentioned what I did people would tel l me oh that's what I did in therapy. I came up to all these healing tools on my own, Das way. I keep reading he/ she won't do the work they don't want to go to therapy. Therapy is often self made to a DA.
@Evi_Evi86
3 ай бұрын
I was emotionally neglected as a child and have an avoidant attachment style. In therapy i learned to listen to my wants and needs a lot more, and also became more aware of and okay with other people's vulnerabilities. I can deal with other people's emotions a lot better now. But what bothers me is that I still have trouble dealing with the emotions of my parents and sisters (mainly my parents). I feel some sort of resentment towards them. What could be the reason that I am okay with people's emotions/vulnerabilities now, but not those from my parents?
@janamalkawi1836
7 ай бұрын
Thank gad I'm healing
@TheIcyjul
9 ай бұрын
i have ADHD and i do get bored and i also get to be like hyper focus so my relationship kinda jump from 1 to another relationship : so having a long-term relationship like anything above 1 year and above can be a struggle and i kinda have blockage in my heart chakra : so sometime i kinda more into the sexual side but less emotional towards partner or partners... its kinda sad to myself im keen on learning more any tips on that
@esther_9383
11 ай бұрын
How would a secure attached describe their childhood? Because I ask myself if secure attached people ever inform themselves about this topic at all or reflect their wounds in childhood. Most people I talk to who want to learn about attachment styled are those who doesn't recognize themselves as 100 percent secure and have recognized anxious, avoidant or disorganized tendencies they want to work on.
@deekum6557
3 ай бұрын
5:10 boom! Glad to hear I am recovering a bit
@Ngatiatimothy
11 ай бұрын
I have idea what she's talking about which I guess means I haven't started healing? OR that I'm secure!😉
@bobostyle1996
6 ай бұрын
Proud of myself for this journey and thank you for your insights. Good luck to everyone on this path
@andym264
Жыл бұрын
Do you think you could slow down a bit!
@sdearing6375
3 ай бұрын
I understand what you are saying better than the useless therapist I hired for 6 years. I think the judgment part is that people who play the victim make it unsafe and chaotic
@CrowMagnum
4 ай бұрын
I refer to some of what is discussed here as an intolerance of intolerance
@Ken19700
2 ай бұрын
What if you don't remember your childhood?
@leifdux7277
4 ай бұрын
Damn, the self-regulating part is big. My mother was always absent so I had to resort to taking care of myself with her abuse and well as my own life obstacles. Heh, made me super independent but I'm sure I lost a lot of hair in the process LOL
@barnaleegoswami
Жыл бұрын
Is there any book to know more about this?
@Notactiveatalllll
Жыл бұрын
Adult children of emotionally immature parents
@vunguyentr5561
11 ай бұрын
00:40 "what psychopath rely solely on logical data but emotional" speak me the avoidant 1:10 me whenever the feeling is overbearing, let it numb
@oliwia8285
7 ай бұрын
Can you heal your attachment style even though you are not in a relationship?
@namelessbrat7197
6 ай бұрын
For a DA, you might get the theoretical knowledge needed, but being in a relationship, or rather interacting with people who you can practice being vulnerable with and who challenge your assumptions/wounds/triggers is vital. Theory and practice are two different beasts.
@junbh2
6 ай бұрын
I think you can at least partly. Plus relationships don't need to be romantic relationships specifically.
@tiaturnbullchampionscoachi9587
Жыл бұрын
This parallels embracing shadows.
@tubesurf17
Жыл бұрын
I'm male anxious attachment...she left me.. she is anxious avoidant. help. how do I heal?😢
@xWabbli
9 ай бұрын
I hope you’re okay. I recommend reading the book „Attached“by Amir Levine & Rachel S. F. Heller
@namelessbrat7197
6 ай бұрын
I suggest checking out the Personal Development School courses. That's what Heidi recommended for healing as she used it as well, and I really like it. Much luck to you
@J_Dot_S
19 күн бұрын
7:54-8:10....😮🤯🤠
@monikap8777
9 ай бұрын
Can it actually be healed?
@namelessbrat7197
6 ай бұрын
Yes. Seen many DAs heal it, and they're happier and even more regulated than before! (And they thrive now in their relationships with partners and kids) But just a note: there is no way around the discomfort and pain while on the path of healing.
@johnhatch2519
10 күн бұрын
Could you re-state everything you talk about in this video in such a way that a person with only a high school education can understand it? Asking for my Dismissive Avoidant girlfriend.
@joeaverage3444
10 ай бұрын
I'm avoidant, but I've never felt like there was something wrong with me or that I needed healing. I'm not unhappy with the way I am. So why change.
@An_Gha_
10 ай бұрын
Just tell before dating so we can run away.
@Sleepingwei
8 ай бұрын
We’ve all been there. I mean I guess it depends how old you are, but there will come a point in your life where you realise your own inherent loneliness and disconnect from the world and you’ll realise that being avoidant means a life of isolation. Our avoidance protects us from rejection, and because we avoid we are always rejected. It’s a vicious cycle. We reject to avoid rejection because rejection is painful and so then nobody chooses us. All scenarios leave us isolated.
@namelessbrat7197
6 ай бұрын
I haven't met a DA so far who thought there was a problem with them. I also haven't met one who did the work and regretted it afterwards. Ironically, those who did the work still insist there was nothing wrong with them, but admit they are happier, more relaxed, even more in control now and with better beliefs and relationships. The thing with DAs is that their wounds are unconscious. Conscious or not, those wounds still exist. And logic propels us to heal our wounds. It's the sensible (though uncomfortable) thing to do. On a fun note, one DA told me the secure style sounded very toxic to him, and he's happy being DA.
@JohnM...
5 ай бұрын
6:30 don’t you mean INTERNAL locus? It’s the external that’s f***ed up…
@mybiggrin
Жыл бұрын
I’m confused by the part that you say an avoidant person takes radical responsibility for situations & doesn’t play a victim. Im dealing w an avoidant attachment style person who definitely plays the victim in a lot of their stories about past relationships…
@TheNinjapancake14
Жыл бұрын
It’s a general idea but not a rule. You are dealing with an individual human at the end of the day, not a theory
@kaitlynruffin7456
Жыл бұрын
I'm guessing one of three things is happening. 1. This is them thinking that they are taking accountability. " I know did everything right, they were the one who messed up and treated me wrong." 2. They are trying to make themselves feel better by trying to control the narrative. For some, exaggerating certain things is easier than simply saying I was really hurt by them. 3. In order to protect their belief that they are a good person, they might be trying to justify leaving those relationships when the level of intimacy became scary for them.
@sunbeam9222
Жыл бұрын
@@kaitlynruffin7456 I think it's ok to look at our partner's attachment style for some ground knowledge of the dynamic but at the end of the day an attachment style doesn't define a person at all. When we know ourselves well enough we know someone else well enough, the main focus is to get to know ourselves not try over analyse someone else through an attachment style.
@gordo6908
11 ай бұрын
@@sunbeam9222tatkin of the pact institute makes a similar argument, that one doesn't need to have the secure attachment style to be in a secure functioning relationship
@namelessbrat7197
6 ай бұрын
Other possibilities: - you didn't get their attachement style right and they're actually FA leaning DA. - they're narcs. - they have other underlying issues...
@joannk5259
Жыл бұрын
I wonder what your background is. Are you a therapist?
@grabbelton
4 ай бұрын
You talked extra fast this time ..hard for me to follow...r 3x i stil can't follow..even with the English subtitles 😟. I think i sm getting old 👵🏻
@SidneyWells
Ай бұрын
Im so much hurt by an avoidant girl, after abusive relationship, that Incant even watch the while video, its just triggers me. Ohh the emotinal unavailability, the lack of empathy, comfort, stone walling, gaslighting, and yet unable to manage her own emotions (impulsive). Here is a tipnfor avoidants. Avoid fking relationships until you are healed. Thanks.
@maxachilly7451
8 ай бұрын
Interested in the content but you're talking too fast I'm sorry, it stresses me out.
@DiamondsRexpensive
7 ай бұрын
Thais Gibson speaks about this and has good videos, but stressed me out with how she speaks so I can't listen to her content. Maybe you'll like the way she speaks.
@h.o9126
3 ай бұрын
You know you can slow the speed down on videos right?
@red_adept
Жыл бұрын
I refuse to believe that "radical self responsibility" isn't just the proper way to be. Because either universe is just out to get you, or you're at fault. And if the universe is out to get, good fucking luck, cause there is a whole lot more of the universe than there is of you.
@namelessbrat7197
6 ай бұрын
The universe is out to get you...? You do realize the sheer amount of insane assumptions and irrational thoughts and filtering that need to go into making this statement right? The universe doesn't have intent. It's neither out to get you or coddle you or whatever else. Sitzations just are. Your interpretation however is definitely out to get you.
@ArabellaTransylvania
Жыл бұрын
Okay. This is the first video of yours that I have seen. I'm going to ask you to imagine that I'm of reasonable intelligence, am all grown up, and have done some reading around this subject. BUT I'm not a habituee of therapy rooms, I don't take medication - have never been to a doctor of any kind about mental or emotional issues, and don't speak psych. SO PLEASE could you NOT start your video with a whole bunch of jargon that means NOTHING to people outside your industry? 'Data points' integration, factor in, etc etc etc... Just say what you actually say later on, which is plain English and means something. Pretend that I'm a human who speaks English but NOT psych jargon. And please - would you practice your speech so that you don't have to make endless little jump cuts every sentence? It's very off-putting. Apologies if you find this criticism harsh, but I'm trying to be constructive as a first-time viewer.
@sunbeam9222
Жыл бұрын
Loooool. Would you also like her to dye her hair blond, change her tone of voice, make funny face every 2.05 mins? Just ask I'm sure she'll gladly cater to your specific demands.
@namelessbrat7197
6 ай бұрын
Not all videos on the internet are made for laymen. You would not demand this of someone explaining university math concepts, so why do you demand it of someone explaining master level psychology concepts? On top, basic logic would allow you to see that this video is specifically targeted to dismissive avoidants (so you need to know the basics of attachement theory) who specifically did healing work (so you would need to know what that entails) and are checking if the work is putting them on the correct track. If you don't know this, you're not even the correct demographic and your suggestions to fine tune her content to you is simply out of place. And yes, her content is excellent and free. You can teach yourself the basics if you want to benefit.
@h.o9126
3 ай бұрын
If you are here watching this video about dismissive avoidant attachment, you should very well know what attachment styles are and the jargon associated with them and mental health in general. It’s not rocket science and Google is free.
@Morilao
Жыл бұрын
Ok, I’m a lil reassured from this video bc I think I’m making some progress. l feel I’m in the beginning healing stages of AAS bc I can recognize past situations that made me who I am today and am starting to figure out how to explain my emotions?? (I find it hard to regulate how i express them though). Howeverrr, the fear of being vulnerable w anyone outside my trust circle makes me shut out any new ppl i meet so🫡
@w3n33dam1racl3
Ай бұрын
I noticed with me it annoyed me and made judge other women who would reach out to hang out often. I couldn't understand why they need constant presence not realizing its because I learned how to be alone for long periods of time without connection. My father wasnt around,I would see him here and there, and my mother just didnt want to be around me. I just learned how to go without human connection because it was painful to sit in pain and powerful to be self reliant and dependent. I prided myself for so long for my ability to not be dependent on someone else. I even get offended when someone says I should depend on them or something else.
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