Girl. Just write the books. It’s never enough lol. You are magical. Healing an avoidant attachment style seems impossible
@UnifiedFriends
11 ай бұрын
Look into your past to find out if for you significant persons have suppressed your feelings or overly punished certain behaviors. Once you recognize these events, reconcile your core values and assumptions with the new realizations and forgive your old self for making these misunderstandings. This will heal you of distrust, detachment and rejection reflexes. At least in the long run. It's not easy, but it's damn liberating. Source: my own journey
@busted276
10 ай бұрын
Oh my god, how did you manage to do it??? I started from having full blown avoidant personality disorder and still fighting this... It is so painful making the same mistakes !!!
@Di66en6ion
9 ай бұрын
@@UnifiedFriendsMost of my issues these days seem like more subtle communication habits. Things I will just absolutely not think about that are apparently highly important and eventually causing attachment ruptures. It happens a couple times a year and it almost feels hopeless at times. At some point I've been thinking that I just need to write a relationship manifesto and be a relationship anarchist, lay out all my baggage, and let people adjust or come and go as they see fit, as I cannot seem to adjust to common societal expectations around certain ideals of emotional sharing, as some levels of intimacy and vulnerability simply do not occur in my thought processes.
@poopsmcgee4693
8 ай бұрын
Yeah gurl!
@ralucamera6574
7 ай бұрын
I heard DA saying ‘ I don’t want to change for anyone, who stays with me have to accept me the way I am’😒
@TheOllieKee
11 ай бұрын
"we need negative emotions to break loops of negative behavior" - this is gold!!!
@starrw.3916
Ай бұрын
And also our defense of being logical & unemotional & unresposive to the other person, can have them feel unheard & not cared about : So they escalate to get a response to feel like we care: And the situation keeps escalating & you leave that person feeling more hurt & not cared about etc:
@robertgarvansnyder4665
11 ай бұрын
Holy crap, this is some next level content. This is 100% my strategy, for 40 years: feeling judgemental and impatient in lieu of feeling pain and hurt, which then results in the other person feeling invalidated. But then, *conveniently* the next day, like 80% of it goes down the memory hole, and I start rationalizing why the other person acted the way they did.
@MsAleytys
11 ай бұрын
"emotional pain gifts you with discernment" mind blown. i can see all these defense mechanisms at play quite clearly when named...
@BookWorm2369
10 ай бұрын
my brother said it best, "you act like I'm treating you like an emotional punching bag." He said this during a time where I was starting to learn to stay in my body and characterize my emotions (noticing where I felt sensations, describing the sensations, attempting to name the emotions, and paying attention to the thoughts I would have during my emotions). I learned that I couldn't heal if I kept pretending that I wasn't hurt.
@lecy1075
6 ай бұрын
so true! my peers say i’m emotionally intelligent but i feel like since i started therapy its like the first time i’m ever experiencing real emotions and actually feeling like a human.. i’ve always been neutral and numb 24/7
@sarahjay720
Жыл бұрын
DA and Anxious look EQUALLY crazy to each other when activated. Anxious look crazy and emotional and DA look like a psychopath lol but when you understand it it makes total sense :)
@Just...Peachy
Жыл бұрын
So true! Haha
@EsseQuamVideriSe7en
Жыл бұрын
Quote 8:46 "But the ways in which you are in pain in your relationships often are not apparent to you because your brain has learned to cover it up with frustration and contempt." This is so true! Frustration and contempt are nothing more than a cover up for the pain I would/should otherwise be feeling. Thank you for pointing this out! Here is some more gold 8:22 "Your pain is not something you're hiding from other people. It's something your brain is hiding from you!" Your video transcripts are always a big part of my daily journal. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your insights!
@sparkstudies1675
Жыл бұрын
Definitely helped me understand avoidants better
@NSEasternShoreChemist
Жыл бұрын
YES! I would also say with the 8:46 quote that this is super common with avoidant types who tend to play the "hero/rescuer" role in the drama triangle. On some level the rescuer feels hurt that the victim isn't making the progress they "should" be making, but instead of feeling the pain they intellectualize it ("they can't help it" is a favourite saying), cover it up with frustration and contempt...and that lands them right into the persecutor role! This is 100% my mother right now!
@beuller7
10 ай бұрын
This is blowing my mind right now. Because wait a minute… My whole life I’ve been thinking that the frustration & contempt I’m feeling IS the emotional pain. So my serious question is this: if the frustration & contempt I’m feeling isn’t in fact the emotional pain, if the frustration & contempt is what’s helping me be avoidant, then what is the actual emotional pain? Because damn….talk about a blind spot….I’m stymied. Any thoughts or insights are welcome.
@rayawake
9 ай бұрын
@@beuller7When my (avoidant) wife decided to divorce me, there was a time in that process that she told me her therapist had asked her - “have you allowed yourself to cry about the ending of your relationship”, and my ex’s response was no. She hasn’t felt much of anything in regards to the demise of our relationship - instead she just felt frustration and contempt for me anda need to remove herself from me. I know how much I cried, how much pain I felt at the demise of our relationship. And I came to understand that with me she had removed the ability to feel hurt anymore. I can see how over time she began constructing this wall against those feelings. I remember when we had our first disagreements or something I did that hurt her, she had been vocal about not liking a decision I made but even then didn’t really communicate her actual feelings about it. And over time that communication dynamic got amplified - more expression of frustration and contempt through passive aggression and withdrawal, and almost zero expression of hurt sad scared feelings. I share this story to you because maybe whatever it is that you’re only able to experience frustration and contempt towards is like a callous that’s formed over an area that was repeatedly being injured. Maybe if you look at what it is that you’ve built up your defenses against, and see if there ever was a time you were vulnerable, we’re hurt or sad or scared, maybe you could consciously reconnect with those feelings and this time it would be a conscious choice to feel those raw feelings and even though it will still take courage to let yourself go through them, at least it will be your own conscious choice and not a hurtful situation that was forced upon you. So it will be kind of like a controlled environment for you to feel back into those areas and you can take it at whatever pace you need. Just a thought.
@psychonaut689
9 ай бұрын
You might be aware of both, but using the frustration and contempt to stop feeling your pain to your fullest extent@@beuller7
@TeethSink
6 ай бұрын
I often feel that I don't allow myself to speak my emotions about how something or someone makes me feel because I can't justify it under scrutiny. I feel a certain way about what someone has said, but I can't put into words why.
@susannamiscera2401
Ай бұрын
Same.
@aikishugyo
7 ай бұрын
As someone brought up on the "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" mantra to avoid getting into physical altercations as a child, it seems in retrospect that helped to cultivate an avoidant mental state as a child, sadly something that has taken a long time to come to terms with.
@ranc1977
Жыл бұрын
"So when your partner is dysregulated, yelling at you, saying nasty about your character, it's unlikely you feel pain of that. Likely you're defensive and dismissing them, loud or inside. Problem: pain is not getting through, unable to learn the lesson: situation is painful and needs to be avoided." This explains a lot. And this is what CBT is doing wrong and social anxiety advice online: we are been told that we must not avoid people and that we must expose and be strong and confident and somehow other people will not hurt us with them being nasty. Then we end up not avoiding difficult people and due to stress and pain - we end up avoiding people in general - not meeting new people or organizing parties or being initiative in anything.
@FLVCTVAT_NEC_MERGITVR
Жыл бұрын
This might be the single best synthesis of avoidant reactions to emotional pain I have ever seen. Thank you so much.
@user-kk6ls8dw1r
9 ай бұрын
Wow, I'm not even halfway through and this stopped me in my tracks: "Your pain is not something you're hiding from other people, it's something your brain is hiding from you." I arrived here because I'm just now learning that there's likely an emotional root to the crippling migraines I've endured for 30 years and which are getting worse. I've known I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style for awhile, but I have a feeling a lot of things are going to fall into place by the time I finish this video. Thank you.
@user-kk6ls8dw1r
9 ай бұрын
Ok, 30 seconds later and my mind is still reeling from this, which perfectly describes how I responded as an 11-yr-old to a major incident of emotional neglect by my mother: "The ways in which you are in pain in your relationships often are not apparent to you because your brain has learned to cover it up with frustration and contempt." I've been trying to touch into the pain I must have felt in that moment of betrayal, but so far there's nothing there except cold contempt. I was a child, I must have been hurt, but in my memory it's like I was a 40-year-old lawyer deciding she clearly wasn't qualified to be my mother, and I held onto that belief for decades.
@dariyamakhmutova5780
Жыл бұрын
Thank you ❤️ Lately, I started to believe that I am heartless psycho because I leave people easily after moments of crisis. And you helped me to understand that leaving is the only way I “can” solve the problems by blocking pain. For now, I just don’t allow myself to feel the pain, because of protective mechanism of my mind😭💔, it makes so much sense. I should accept all the negative emotions and pain, in order to learn how to truly prevent repeated unhealthy dynamics.
@GSXR750wx
Жыл бұрын
And what about the poor people you leave in order to avoid your own pain. What about their pain?
@odessablake6936
Жыл бұрын
@@GSXR750wx Who are you to judge
@dariyamakhmutova5780
Жыл бұрын
@@GSXR750wx First of all, the pain of other people is my second priority when I, myself, need help and support. Secondly, I don’t think that I should stay in relationships where people hurt each other with words and actions. The pain from distancing is more healthier than the pain caused by the things that cannot be undone.
@odessablake6936
Жыл бұрын
@@dariyamakhmutova5780 first of all she's already acknowledged the fact that she's hurting people and she's now acknowledging what she needs to do about it. So your judgment and anything else you have to say after her comment is neither warranted nor relevant. Not to mention that everybody's healing journey is unique in its own way and at least she's doing something about hers and acknowledging that she's got things that she needs to work on and it's not your place or anybody's place other than her individual self. Maybe you should look inside of yourself to find out why you felt the need to call her out on something that she already felt bad about instead of trying to make her feel worse for something that you probably are guilty of and that is why you felt the need to say in the first place everybody that you or interact with in any way shape or form in your life is a mirror of yourself and your own inner reflection. She is the way that she is because of her past traumas and blinders that we ALL have in different forms. Let her heal man, because then and only then will she be able to make the conscious secure decisions to not perpetuate that cycle that you are perpetuating this very moment.
@waynepolo6193
Жыл бұрын
@@dariyamakhmutova5780 The pain is not "healthier." That's just how it makes sense to you when you've never been fully vulnerable to emotions your brain decided were unsafe for you to feel. Someday in your healing journey, I hope you may come to the means and the willingness to be vulnerable in the face of them. To borrow a phrase, "When someone tells us we hurt them, we don't get to tell them we didn't." And the pain we cause others in our efforts to avoid our feeling own is exponential and self-perpetuating. Wounding and being wounded are just as much part of being human as any other bodily function. It may be unpleasant, but it's necessary to address when the time comes.
@miaduana
8 ай бұрын
I recognized how part of the disorganized attachment style I used to employ was this numbing technique. I prize pain now as an important news outlet instead the enemy.
@Brandon-yr3nj
Жыл бұрын
THANK YOU for covering the stereotype about dismissive avoidants deciding to ignore their emotions. I swear there’s a subtype of anxious-preoccupied that pretends to be DA but they’re just passive aggressively seeking validation
@heidipriebe1
Жыл бұрын
I think the word ‘avoidant’ can be misleading for people when trying to identify their style. Ironically, those with anxious or fearful-avoidant styles are the ones who are most aware of their attempts to avoid their emotional experiences, since they’re so heightened and therefore so consciously painful, so I can see them latching onto the term ‘avoidant’ when not aware what it means in an attachment sense.
@loveloves2770
Жыл бұрын
I think they just might be trying to do something differently so to not get hurt. Being told you're 'emotional', etc in current times isn't something looked well upon like being 'rational' or 'logical' is.They could just be mimicking something they've seen (being these 2 styles are drawn to the other) since they don't see the avoidant attachments hurting.
@jenlivernois
10 ай бұрын
We end up “passively aggressively” seeking validation, because so many times seeking it in a healthy way goes unnoticed. It then becomes the norm after being ignored, criticized and judged for so long .. we too, are just playing out our roles we had as a child.
@jean-victorcote5825
Ай бұрын
Letting my guard down in public seemed like a bad idea until I shook the hand of someone I had just helped and found out a bit later that I was missing the emotional experience that I had blocked.
@dukekessler6292
Жыл бұрын
Im very high on the DA attachment style. It has served me very well in my professions (army vet with multiple combat deployments and current police officer). In my relationships its been very difficult. Going through a divorce currently and I was very cold and aloof throughout the marriage and didn't know why until recently discovering attachment styles. She had her issues too but me being highly unemotional didn't help the marriage at all. Its been a strange divorce, no betrayals or any big events but the little resentments built up over time to where they are insurmountable. I'll try to use this going forward but the odds are low that I will ever actively seek out a relationship again.
@sparkstudies1675
Жыл бұрын
I hope that things get better for you as you learn more about your attachment style. Sorry to hear they're kind of falling apart at the moment, but it's never too late to start healing once you're still breathing. Sending love
@TheFlowerPower47
2 ай бұрын
As difficult as things maybe be sometimes, we are always loveable and deserving of love, starting from our own self-love. Good luck
@trinity115
3 ай бұрын
I feel called out and exposed in a major way. Wow! What a wake up call 🙏!
@sebastiendeloumeaux7372
9 ай бұрын
I have lived an hurtful situation two days ago and I did all that : dissociate, then dismiss and rationalize and found a logical solution to it. When you talked about how you purposely dropped your guard and let yourself be hit, I did the same and cried because I could feel the pain it caused me that I was repressing. I don't want to be hurt like that again. You are right, emotional pain is what I was missing to enforce boundaries. Thank you Heidi. I love you. Your videos are guiding me to authenticity very steadily and I'm grateful.😊
@YippieKaey
4 ай бұрын
Have to say, as someone who is very skeptical of online gurus, your reasoning around boundaries and the "fists and child" example really drove home the point. Good job!
@sirene815
Жыл бұрын
Wow. Just in my most recent therapy session I was recounting incidents from an old business relationship, where I was getting insulted and humiliated all the time. Still, I kept going back for more because I had reasoned to myself that the guy is just a jerk and none of what he says is valid or makes sense. From up there on my high horse of integrity and superior analytical skills, I couldn't see the ways this was actually damaging for me. Thinking back to it, I said it felt like I was a boxer who kept getting punched and stood bruised, bleeding, yet content that they won the fight. I have a lot of work to do in acknowledging the hurt and I'm still kind of stuck between contempt and resentment, but your metaphor totally resonates :)
@fromeveryting29
Жыл бұрын
Wow, you just made me realize something similar in my own life!
@ebbyc1817
Жыл бұрын
" From up there on my high horse of integrity and superior analytical skills, ,,,,," Ooooomy god, this. I can so relate.
@ingagoodwin394
8 ай бұрын
Thank you for sharing your experience. It really brought clarity to a situation I was in as well.
@amyjennings
6 ай бұрын
I've found these blind spot videos the single most helpful thing in my self work. Thank you so much for your content, it's a game changer.
@Jolinga
Жыл бұрын
This is me! I didn’t realize it until my children were grown and I had to deal with the impact it had on them. From not nurturing them properly to allowing the wrong people into our lives.
@comoane
2 ай бұрын
I’m so very impressed with parents having the guts to be self reflective!
@MiauxCatterie
Жыл бұрын
I have a more anxious attachment. this was helpful to gain insight into the mind of my on/off partner. in our case, I'm usually trying to explain to him how he's been unfair to me and he won't hear it. he tells me that my words mean nothing and I'm not saying anything of value. which hurts desperately from someone who swears they love you. he then leaves and ghosts me and refuses to ever talk about it so nothing improves. he treats my needs and concerns like I'm being disobedient. that's why we keep ending. he sees it as him holding a boundary against my "craziness" but honestly I would not get to the point that I lose my cool if he'd respect my needs that I vocalize in neutral ways the first ten times
@heidipriebe1
Жыл бұрын
I always recommend focusing on one’s own attachment style in the healing process - the video for anxious blind spots comes out tomorrow! Hopefully it can help 💕
@mudchat4486
Жыл бұрын
@@heidipriebe1 Thanks Heidi! And to you & the original poster ~ yes totally, I am focusing on my own shit, always, BUT ~ I also super appreciate the insight into this style's possible interpretations. For obvious reasons. We all have pieces of many styles of many things in life. and they bleed into one another on the edges. So I just had to tell you both that. WOOT! Wow, Heidi you really hit a stride in this line of work & I wish you and anyone reading this so much success and wholeness.
@nickieglazer7065
Жыл бұрын
@@mudchat4486 Going from your brief informative description of the dynamic; I would Grey Rock him and observe his response/reaction. Did you feel heard as a child? Is this a pattern in your life? Cycles tend to keep repeating, until we learn from our mistakes. My ex has NPD. He would say such things as ‘You talk too much’ ‘I know everything I need to know about you, you don’t need to tell me any more’ ‘Shut up’ ‘Stop repeating yourself’ ‘I don’t listen’ When I started to actually listen to his words, rather than react, explain, defend, I took his advice, stopped talking and stayed silent. The reaction was; ‘Why are you not speaking with me?’ ‘Well, if your not going to talk to me..’ ‘I feel like you don’t want to talk with me.’ ‘I don’t like it when you don’t say anything’. ‘I try to talk to you but you don’t say a word’. Now I practice listening more and speaking less. It is working wonders on my inner peace! He would use silent treatment to punish me and then I’d get a text ‘Hello! 👋 as if nothing had happened (A form of gaslighting)we would go through the narcissistic abuse cycle/stages of love bombing, devalue and discard faster and faster the longer we were together. If your unfamiliar with the Grey rock technique, I highly recommend listening to Tamie M Joyce. Just my humble opinion. Sending love from Spain ❤
@mudchat4486
Жыл бұрын
@@nickieglazer7065 Oh my GOODNESS! what a fantastic adding to the conversation! and how healing... as we share our experiences i believe we help others in immense ways ~ it's also its OWN form of healing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the work you've been doing and shared here. this is a seemingly insurmountable obstacle ~ learning our ways out of this stuff ~ but it's NOT .. not at all, with the resources we now have ~ those of us fortunate enough to learn and share with one another online . YES OF COURSE i was not heard as a kid and all you describe i've been through. i happened to have dated someone new recently , and was still working through things, and kinda slipping back into my "oh , i can help him see" - i can be so quick to try to help another with their blindspots, i am READY to take accountability as everything was my fault as a kid, blahhhh blah blah. but know what - i got out of this phase already, i'd already broken it off with the person,, but still was examining myself - obviously - and this video came up and i'm AMAZED at what work people do NOW - this didn't used even EXIST. when i had my worst experience 10 years ago, and it took me out for a decade, i had to find my way through the most - WOWWING of a maze of .. all of it. the WHOLE NPD stockholm people pleasers everything dynamic. enmeshment all that. all of it. it's now become my work , one of the layers, as i am an artist, musician, etc. thank you SO much for your heartfelt comment, for HEALING and BLOSSOMING! and sharing. it's amazing how articulate so MANY are these days, and it's explosively exciting to me ~ who used to be alone in so many of these studies. now it's becoming LOGIC to many of the younger folks. I've actually never been more at peace and inspired in determined to stay calm in my nervous system, AND talk a lot like I CAN because I feel ~ i know some things, i can lecture - it's natural to me ~ and those who vibe with me , LEARN from me, appreciate me? i know who and when that is. who ever got this far - KEEP GOING. and learning to love yourself first ALWAYS - this is it. it may be your EXACT JOB to do on this earth. and you can have love relationships still. but keep doing you. cry the tears. i cry all the time! did this AM! i still purge, i cried for a minute, with many simultaneous emotions.. SO MUCH PRAISE FOR ME, so much credit to my younger selves who suffered so tremendously. i will ALWAYS be there for people who are around me or come to me or need feedback.. i will tell my story , i KNOW what is possible for healing, i AM LIVING PROOF. i started talking to a remarkable person a few days ago. someone i knew years ago, worked with briefly, and had trust already. it's amazing how as life has moved forward, how i've grown from so FCKN much trauma, my life has been marked by it in more ways than can be counted ~ ~ i can be detatched and amused amazed and thankful to have this new relationship. but i have such strength being in my OWN cockpit now ~ i dont have the denial thing going on - not even slightly like i did with the person who loved bombed me, etc, he was great, not like a terrible abuser, BUT i am more advanced, i dont need any more riff raff, can still be his friend but - i dont have ANY time for relationships that have those dynamics. when they showed, i got spooked, but i was upset for a few weeks. we dated for 3 months or so, and even though he was IN LOVE with me, he'd act weird, triangulate SO subtly , walk things back, it HURT. i knew what it was and it was a test. i then re-met someone so sincere and mature, and - it was SUCH a proof. such a proof. and i am MUCH stronger just from having revisited just SLIGHT behaviors from that other person. i do personal work AS my life habit, and so does this person, and - it's just NEAT, nice -- to "like" someone and be *inspired to stay very centered* in my creative process and life, and do wholesome stuff sometimes. we live an hour from each other, and it will make us conscious of things in a different way. i'm in my 40's so each decade is different ~ but i assure you . THE THING you need is to re-raise those inner children and never EVER stop. YOUR SELF LOVE and assurance CAN be cultivated. it CAN. so do what needs to be done. SO MUCH LOVE TO YOU! muah.
@belleweather
3 ай бұрын
@@heidipriebe1 The anxious attachment blindspot video was fantastic.
@nematarot7728
9 ай бұрын
This is so clear, and so spot on. Thank you 🙏 I have a lot of avoidant qualities, and I’m in a situationship with another avoidant, and I’m just learning how to set boundaries, and what they even are, for the first time. When I was younger instead of setting boundaries, even with friends, my strategy was to literally just abandon them with no explanation. I honestly didn’t believe it was safe or even possible for me to express my own needs, or to stand up for myself. This work isn’t easy, and I am so grateful for your compassionate approach 🙏✨💛
@marcopervo
Жыл бұрын
I appreciate your ability to speak the language of dismissive avoidants as we are working on becoming integrated. Dissociation was my SOP for decades, and I'm now able to be more engaged in my personal and business interactions. What's odd is that I've always been told by observers that I have above average rapport building in spite of it.
@oceanside13
Жыл бұрын
Blew my damn mind! My friend sent me the Anxious Blind Spot video. I always thought I was anxious -- but that vid did not describe what's been going on in me. So I looked for other attachment styles. This one is ME! I never knew I was avoidant. I have tears in my eyes.
@couch_philosoph3325
Жыл бұрын
As a fearful/secure person, i believe that dismissive and anxious have the same core wounds, but they process them very differently, so like two sides of the same coin. Just that the anxious clings while the avoidants pushes away.
@oceanside13
Жыл бұрын
@@couch_philosoph3325 Then my friend sent me 3 attachment style tests, and my results for all 3 was anxious. Thinking about it: My private feelings are anxious, but my way of interacting with people is rational, and avoidant.
@vtbhoward
Ай бұрын
The avoidant I was with had many blind spots. He was very defensive even in neutral moments when dialiguing, as well as when conflicts came up. Things were mostly like a silent war, or like there was an undercurrent of constant contempt. It was like you lose if you speak, or you lose if you don't speak. Of course, the relationship didn't make it beyond 1.5 year mark in good health. His need to be counter dependent (or hyper-independent) was his MO. So, imo, him being out of touch with his emotions is just the tip of the iceberg for blind spots. When he started to express his emotional experiences nine months after ending things, he said he felt hated. I empathized with him on that, and took accountability for becoming resentful and critical about every 3-4 months. I just held space for that to be received. It was overwhelming too. I actually was glad to see that he had shifted, and got more in touch with his emotions, and was able to express them more. It's growth towards emotional availability toward self to some degree or another. At this point I don't think he is aware of his lack of accountability, flexibility, and emotional availability that show up regularly even when coparenting.
@joygibbons5482
Ай бұрын
Sounds like it must have been a burden for him stuck with someone who who is so righteous.
@tarkov666
28 күн бұрын
@joygibbons5482 like being stuck with someone who gets defensive from a stranger talking about their own experience with their partner?
@hannahpeterangelo7551
Жыл бұрын
Woah. The visual of allowing the (psychological) blows to land to find out where my boundaries are just made everything feel suddenly very obvious.
@sherrytaylor3738
Жыл бұрын
It's like putting a bike tire under water to see where the holes are
@raze956
11 ай бұрын
once i discovered attachment theory, i was pretty sure that i am an avoidant type. now that i watched some of your videos, im very sure of it. even the way i grew up makes sense, my parents were indeed unreliable, so i developed in a way that was always like "how can I fix xy". asking others for helps doesnt even cross my mind in emotional things. when i first noticed that some ppl do that, i was like "you can do that, with like... success?" honestly, i feel understood by you and thanks to your explanations, i think i can make my relationships more satisfying for all parties. im very grateful to have found your channel and i wish you the best 🙏
@shivananthrajcs2474
Жыл бұрын
I feel my inner child is talking sitting opposite to me. I’ve tried many articles&videos but nothing took me sooo close to understanding my inner core like this video. Heidi, you are really doing a phenomenal job. The clarity you give and the way you make your narrative look from the inside is amazing. You have a great potential. I’m going to constantly follow you from now on and looking forward for any workshops specifically to avoidant attachments. Great job. Thank you for this video😊
@talesfromtheroad9530
9 ай бұрын
I was afraid you were going to say 'put down your fists and try to hear what the other person is saying without calling them irrational' 🤣 ...I also let myself finally accept I felt emotionally beat up from a parent's tirades and walked away. It feels great to have maintained standards the last few years for how I let people treat me and for what safe people I can let into my intimate space. Life feels incredibly peaceful and my inner child feels much better taken care of 🥰 Thanks for these attachment videos!
@sawdustadikt979
Жыл бұрын
I’m so glad you put this together. I was working with a trauma therapist for a couple years and about the time I stopped seeing her due to a lack of income, she was showing me these massive blind spots I had. I had a lot going on in my life and still do and I didn’t want to do another”loop” so I persisted getting to the root of the problem when I should have yielded. The shame I had for being so naive about somethings I was completely oblivious to was so intense and I’ve been in a bad spot for over year now. Not trusting myself, my motives, my decisions, my capacity and there has been so much riding on them with no idea how to move forward. I also had a hard time with the idea I had that this therapy was going to free me up to be even more resilient than I already was, instead it was the exact opposite, spiritually and physically. My health tanked for about two years, I’m beginning to get better now and do all I can to put the pieces back together. Your channel has been a big help. Trying to understand attachment style and the infp stuff has been interesting.
@litebulb0
3 ай бұрын
Heidi, it's like you're in my head. Wow, thanks so much for summarizing this aspect of how avoidants deal with emotional pain. I've been like this for years and it's caused great harm in my relationship. Looking forward to watching your follow up video.
@NaturallyWit
Жыл бұрын
Another amazing video omg 🤯😵 I have tested as Securely attached, slightly leaning to Preoccupied/anxiously attached. But my Dad is definitely avoidant. I sent him this video. I swear, you are touching on such nuances that I don't hear anyone else talking about with attachment styles! 🤯 Thank you so much. Keep up the good work 💜
@sherrytaylor3738
Жыл бұрын
Agreed 👍
@jeanette2475
Жыл бұрын
I am fearful avoidant and more on the anxious side of things, but this still gave me a lot to think about. Actually all of Heidi's videos do! Such a clear style of explanation, thank you
@tizoned1
Жыл бұрын
So glad to see you back. Thank you for all you have discussed on your channel, it has been another aspect I may have not read about, thought about or maybe even something I fully relate to. You are a blessing!!
@isaacstamper7798
Жыл бұрын
Babe wake up Heidi posted
@redactedredacted5955
5 ай бұрын
But what do I do when the other person is being relatively reasonable and theres nothing to defend myself from and yet I still feel attacked?
@nbonasoro
Жыл бұрын
Heidi has the most insightful content, I love your stuff and get so much help from it.
@neant2046
Жыл бұрын
This topic resonates with me so freaking much. Thank you for this video, Heidi, and I'd really love to see the one that you mentioned in the end - on the topic of integrating and communicating pain as an avoidant. I'm still very awkward with this part, and I'd love to hear more about your experience with it.
@rustyshimstock8653
Жыл бұрын
This compassionate wisdom is exactly what i needed to hear. Thank you.
@Tonytaylormusic
Жыл бұрын
Hi Heidi. I and others im sure have missed your videos and have been hoping your doing ok. You really have some of the best attachment style content out there and your video’s literally changed my life. Wishing you well.
@mariarasmussen4951
Жыл бұрын
I am going to join the choir in here and give you a huge thumbs up for your amazing ability at explaining attachment styles with so many nuances and still in a clear, understandable language for us. Your videos are helping me so much I want to cry! I will definitely focus on honouring my “negative” emotions in the future, and find out what they are there to guide me towards. My guess is it is always towards self-love and better connections with others.As an avoidant myself, the healing work you advice here seems like very deep and sacred work to do, because we find out we can save ourselves by opening up the world to ourselves and gradually open up emotionally to those around us. Thank you for the very intelligent insights in your videos.❤🎉😊
@i_dream_of_memes
3 ай бұрын
dropping such facts ❤️ plainly and logically telling me what I wished I could see on the exit survey of 20 yrs of failed relationships so fkn grateful
@darrenbrown7037
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for making these videos. I’m fearful avoidant and only learned that for the first time in my life after being with an anxious/stable partner for 5 1/2 years. We recently had our first actual break up after attempting to break up four other times without success. After having finally broken up, so much became clear to me and I’m still processing much of it but one of the takeaways that I got was that I do indeed want love, and I want to share a love, but my fearful attachment style always kept me away from that intimacy and vulnerability. Mostly when I was totally unaware. In fact, I realize a lot of my behavior in the relationship was just sort of steering me away from getting too close, but the interesting thing is, I do want to get close. I just learned somehow through my growing up how to avoid that because of fear of abandonment. For me, the key to change might be realizing that my behavior actually keeps me away from the thing that I want even though in the moment it convinces me to run away. Just have to remind myself that I’m running away from the very thing that I want in life.
@jttech3855
Жыл бұрын
I have been studying attachment theory for six months and was surprised (and thankful) by how much I learned from this one video alone. I connected with this so much! Thank you!
@ArienDrakon
Жыл бұрын
It's always a great video when I have to pause and re-watch parts. Good job this is great info to reflect on and work on!
@madzia_801
10 ай бұрын
„Instead of feeling wounded, You’re going: okay. This person who did that thing to me was not thinking logically and I can comfort myself with the fact I know better than them” The way my jaw dropped…
@suzdwyer4577
11 күн бұрын
Such a helpful way to describe this and I only began to heal and protect myself from harmful connections after I began to allow myself to feel and set these boundaries too.
@clairelicciardo6198
Жыл бұрын
Fascinatingly insightful explanation had me saying yes, yes, yesssss more than a few times! I didn't even understand why I was like this but you explained it in a way I haven't heard before. More please!
@saharaofthedeep
6 ай бұрын
Yeah when my partners are disregulated and start throwing nasty insults at me and treating me like crap just because they dont know how to name and express their own emotions and ask for what they need, I just tell them "i dont deserve to be talked to like that." And then they obviously dont calm down and i just wait for them to stop and I tell them that it was hurtful and im not ok with it and that they cant take back something once it leaves their mouth. I used to just stay in emotionally abusive relationships with anxious partners, or I would leave and go back to the same person the next time they coaxed me back into it. Now i don't. And somehow people think that since im avoidant, I must be wrong for leaving. Lol. -_- no.
@soulfulexpansions
Жыл бұрын
I don't think I've ever listened to a more well-spoken episode on and I've watched quite a few you are a hard time usually listen to women and eat but you are easy to listen to got yourself a listener for life very well done.
@ResaleKingz
6 ай бұрын
This stuff is so good and awesomely specific. I loved therapy when I first discovered sobriety, self help, meetings, and a therapeutic community. However, much of it was vague and I couldn't directly correlate the ideas into real life. It felt quite corny at times. I have sat through a few of your videos just blown away at the depth you go into. Problems are created over a lifetime of behavioral patterns and beliefs. I feel like you're in my head!
@ifoxfirei
5 ай бұрын
Wow, this blew my mind. It explains so much of what I was trying to understand in myself. Now I have an idea of what I can work on, in regards to negative emotion. Your analogy of putting down the defenses makes a lot of sense.
@trinityshears27
6 ай бұрын
Thank you for always being so real you've been a big help to my secure attachment journey.
@grat2010
Жыл бұрын
Heidi, thanks for making this whole series. You explain and teach so well. I'm not so sure I'd "get it" if it were someone else,like say a lot of my college profs :). You are a gift.
@user-uy3jd9jz7v
8 ай бұрын
You are massively helpful and your videos are truely life changing. Thank you
@JacobPetrossian
4 ай бұрын
Amazing content! I haven’t heard anything so articulate on this topic before. Thank you!
@guillo__tine9974
3 ай бұрын
Oh Heidi your videos are always so insightful and compassionate, but this one has me fully in tears in a public park. You give words to things I didn’t know I needed words for, but I really desperately do. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
@vidheyaprem
Жыл бұрын
🎉 Always happy to see you post a video
@DeeDeex007o
8 ай бұрын
This is so insightful! I've always wondered why I couldn't feel pain even when I'm supposed to.
@LauraHernandezUCL
Жыл бұрын
Thank you ❤ this one was so helpful, Heidi!
@mohammedshaddy9895
7 ай бұрын
Really insightful stuff, I definitely fit squarely into this category and I've always known that my pattern of numbing my emotional pain was doing me harm but I've never been able to link it to my avoidant attachment and put it all together like this. This is very helpful, thank you.
@reubenchristian5001
7 ай бұрын
This was THE most helpful vid for me as an avoidant. Thank you so much for taking the time :)
@julialeo5174
9 ай бұрын
unbelievably enlightening video. the bike metaphor is perfect and everything you said makes so much sense with my thought processes and past relationships. You make the transition to secure seem possible
@Rufuswaitsoncostello
3 ай бұрын
I could so totally relate to that moment you literally let your fists down and took the blows. I saw you truly felt it at that moment and it resonated so much with my own experience of being hurt by a caregiver when I was young. Thank you for connecting me with these crucial feelings.
@georgiancernat
11 ай бұрын
Another really good video @Heidi Priebe. I found your channel recently after I googled attachment styles and reddit and your channel was one of the top recommendations😊. One of the best thing for me was when you talked about the difficulty of making decisions. That was like "WOW!" I have to listen to it again though 😬Loved the entire video! I definitely learned to numb my emotional pain in my childhood.
@lindaollie
5 ай бұрын
You are such a gift to intelligence. I have accept a job in on line therapy… have not worked due to retirement for 6 years . When I started receiving clients I noticed so much depression is linked to attachment style. Since I was adopted I used to use attachment theory in practice when I was working. Since watching your videos a whole flood of emotions and insecurity has encapsulated me to crying and feeling so lonely. All my family has died except my son and his family. I am now questioning my ability to be helpful to my new online clients. I love that you discuss your past as a fearful avoidant. That’s what I am for sure. Because you have so beautifully been able to come to secure attachment. I am glad you give so much great therapy advice on healing. Thank Heidi❤
@semoyfrancis3875
Жыл бұрын
This was simply AMAZING.....more beneficial than I can articulate.
@ryanw903
4 ай бұрын
Thank you for making this video. This opens up a whole new perspective to my own and other's personality I never thought of. I definitely want to understand more of this and become a better person. Thank you!!
@beuge91
5 ай бұрын
Your content is worth gold. It took me many many years until I finally realised the dammed pain that lurked beneath the surface for a long time, Only because I instinctively thought that negative emotions are useless
@cute.core.
Жыл бұрын
Your videos are golden!!! So informative, complicated psychology so well explained and authentic. Please keep them coming. 🥰
@victorcraraujo
Жыл бұрын
Oh wow. I'm always blown away with your videos! They are so so so so so good and helpful! Thank you so much. I always feel exposed hearing you 😂. I'm on my healing journey! Thank youuuu
@alokm15
Жыл бұрын
Love to see your new videos on recommendation, Keep posting!
@mrstoner2udude799
2 ай бұрын
Mindblowing insight. Literally freeing me from old entrenched habits. Maturity. Heidi, you have a gift. Im going to donate to your channel. Thank you so much.
@jackiereynolds5424
8 ай бұрын
Oh my goodness…this is spot on. I absolutely do that with painful memories and always wondered why 😮. Thank you 😊
@elizabethparkes1581
9 ай бұрын
Amazing exposition on the avoidant attachment style… thanks Heidi. They are anesthetized to pain….
@djenning90
Жыл бұрын
This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you
@TiffanyNicholeCatley
Жыл бұрын
My goodness! This is spot on for my soon to be husband. I admire the logic but noticed quickly how he didn't process or even want to speak on negative emotions. We've each done some therapy and are both evolving. Me FA leaning anxious in this dynamic. I finally understand where the defensiveness and contempt come from. To watch him lean more into his emotional side with me has been beautiful. Handling conflict is where we both are still improving, but there's been great progress. Your videos have helped me so much to further understanding of myself and others in my life. ❤
@heidipriebe1
Жыл бұрын
I love reading comments like this. Happy to hear that the work is paying off for you both 💜
@tjberrian
11 ай бұрын
This is so freeing. I feel so seen and understood.
@ericniles4867
Ай бұрын
I really enjoy the examples of avoidant relationship behavior that you give in this video. Noticing my own passive-aggressive behavior when I felt attacked in a relationship was what opened the door for me to seeking mental health help. Now I try to look at the issues in my life from differing perspectives, or as you put it from an emotionally present and honest place. It was very difficult at first to hold space for negative emotions, but getting in the clear about them has really freed me up to do more interpersonal work, which I love doing. Thanks to the therapists and nurses that have held space for me when I most needed to understand my emotional environment.
@odessablake6936
Жыл бұрын
You are amazing Heidi!!! I'm so glad to see more videos coming with your beautiful smiling face and vast emotional knowledge! Not only is your smile radiant but your heart is as well. I love love love that you neutralize the animosity between the styles while others who are making these types of videos hone in on it and create more. When I first saw a video of yours, I had already been on my healing journey for 2 years but really didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. Therefore, I cannot even begin to express my gratitude enough. I also can't even tell you how useful your videos, combined with a newfound personal interest of mine in energy psychology, when used both inside and outside of my personal relationships. They've helped significantly in my romantic (fearful avoidant with a dismissive avoidant) relationship as well. Needless to say, you had a big hand in it when it comes to my own personal healing journey. From you, I learned how to (mostly) regulate my own emotional state. Which then led me to be in a mental state well enough for the first time to start applying myself in the real world. So I started going to school studying Emotional Freedom Techniques (also known as Tapping or EFT) and while I don't have an actual practice yet, I am a certified practitioner now and I'm continuing further studies to become a master practitioner (chronic illnesses and life clients etc.) And because your content was so impactful in my healing, I feel I have to continue your work of helping the world understand the mass importance of attachment styles and roles in the dysfunctional family dynamics (scapegoat here) but in my own way of combining it with EFT. Most of my emotions and behaviors that you helped me realize were present, I was able to process and break down on my own but some things I just wasn't able to get over the hump without EFT which I won't go all the way into cuz this comment is too long as is but in case you're not familiar with it, it's a mix of psychology and acupressure where we focus on the emotions while tappng on pressure points and it can be very (very very very) useful to get rid of intrusive thoughts, bad habits, bothersome memories, limiting beliefs, and can even address physical illnesses...90% of which are caused by negative emotions and stress and then this list goes on and on of things it can help with but Anyways. Heidi, I just want you to know how profoundly I have been impacted by your work and let's be real, how truly blessed I am to have accidentally stumbled across your videos that one time that changed my entire worldview. So I thank you, with every ounce of my entire being. Thank you. I could never repay you for what you truly gave me.. The gift of understanding everything I never could before, never. However, if you're ever in the market for an EFT practitioner don't you dare spend a dime on it girl I got you!! ❤❤❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏❤❤❤❤❤
@Julia29853
Жыл бұрын
That is just the sweetest comment! I bet you are going to be an amazing healer and helper yourself someday!
@odessablake6936
Жыл бұрын
@@Julia29853 Thank you! I appreciate your kind words.
@morgantomlinson821
Жыл бұрын
So glad to see you back!
@marioct130
2 ай бұрын
What I saw from my avoidant ex...this loop- a charming love bombing at the beginning which inevitably ended with the recoiling in fear and revulsion, and disappearing to ease that.
@thewhyofthings8450
8 ай бұрын
Whenever i try to think back like this and try to work on what i could have done better i just get reminded everytime that i was abused for no reason and had no effect whatsoever on the person/ people doing it to me.
@kamusnainen
Жыл бұрын
Wow this was the best explanation I have found until now! Please tell us more!
@MichaelRyanEpley
6 ай бұрын
Heidi, please definitely do write a book or a series of them. Your command of these subjects is apparent. Share it in longer form, please.
@woonko3300
Жыл бұрын
Wow, this is something I never thought about, so thank you for bring this up, I have a new tool unlocked!
@SeelenTaucher
Жыл бұрын
Healing Sometimes is Walking through the pain and triggers, with Awareness. 💕
@kenzie9767
Жыл бұрын
wow thank youuuu 🎉 I sooo needed this 🙌
@Sh0Eng
3 ай бұрын
Your video is the most informative one I have ever seen; everything you said makes sense. TBH, I don't know if I will ever be able to do so. I'm trying, but entering new relationships, where I know that things are going to turn out badly just like before, keeps me from trying, especially when I meet very nice people who think that the things I say make no sense to them and that I am just paranoid or unreasonable. So, they ignore my emotions. It has taught me to never let anyone get so close that they can hurt me, and when they do, I wouldn't care anymore. And, I don't think there is anyone in this life who really cares about other people's boundaries or emotions. Those who have found such people are just lucky. Maybe I will find mine later in life, hopefully.
@jerilynnschisser516
Ай бұрын
Thank you Heidi! This video was very helpful. I have fearful avoidance attachment and divorced narcissistic husband last year. The greiving and self blame has been brutal. I'm on a healing journey at 60 years old and I want to learn how to have boundaries. Thank you again for this helpful video. Keep them coming! Please more on fearful avoidance.❤
@shezafool2
7 ай бұрын
Thank you for sharing your personal struggle as the result for me is far better understanding of my avoidant husband, who will never come to terms with attachment theory of avoidance. I also saw my own issue of anxiety & how useless my combative behavior is. It actually drives him deeper into his shelter with no comprehension of my needs. ❤
@ehadder
5 ай бұрын
OMG- I relate so well to avoidant attachment style! Thanks so much for the insight.
@ThisIsMyFullName
Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for making this video Heidi, and for opening up and revealing your own struggles, it means a lot! I realised I had a blindspot when people weren't behaving in ways that was expecting, it caused me to act passive aggressive towards them in order to reject my own feelings. I'm slowly learning to embrace the hurt and try to communicate it rationally, but the latter is very difficult. Did you ever make the follow up to this video about integration and communicating pain, or is it coming soon?
@fixxfitness2409
11 ай бұрын
Thank you, For sharing what you have learned and what you have become. That is the most powerful way. Best regards Fixx
@misse7154
Жыл бұрын
You are so amazing in your perceptiveness! I also love your content on ENFPs, as a fellow ENFP :)
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