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@SK-no2pp
8 күн бұрын
What we accept in a relationship is a measure of what we think we deserve deep down. So own what you want and desire - you start maximising opportunities for yourself when you say no to things that aren’t that. It is ok to declare that you want to be with someone who has an ongoing and deepening connection to you. If someone is just giving you crumbs ('breadcrumbing') they are not feeling good enough in themselves to be able to give what a relationship requires. Hurt people hurt people. Nothing on the outside will change how they feel on the inside - a person can’t be ready to give love if they aren’t fully sourcing it from within. Only once they feel truly worthy of love are they able to give it. It is not up to you to change them. So if they show or tell you they can’t do it, hear this from them - and that it doesn’t mean anything about you or your value. Someone else’s behaviour is not an indication of your worth.
@auronx
7 күн бұрын
Excellently articulated; I love it, bravo!
@tchannell08
7 күн бұрын
Thank you 😢
@CYRILITH
6 күн бұрын
Great explanation.
@koralia100
4 күн бұрын
@@auronxyes to that!
@kissass1286
4 күн бұрын
this is so true
@eg1620
7 күн бұрын
And round and round and round we go. Free yourself, unless this person is committed to healing and addressing their shame.
@KimBíchLang
7 күн бұрын
read the forbidden book Magnetic Aura on Borlest, and you'll see the secrets they're keeping from us.
@gogohappygirl
7 күн бұрын
I saw three out of four of these with my ex DA, but unfortunately I waited too long to ask them what they wanted from our reconnection, so by the time I finally did, they just said they assumed we were reconnecting as friends. Asking sooner may not have changed the outcome, but it would’ve allowed me to move on sooner. I’m proud of myself that I did eventually ask, though, even though it was hard. I am now turning my focus from Attachment theory to radical acceptance, which is something my counsellor suggested I look into. I’m FA leaning AA.
@chocolate3407
6 күн бұрын
The challenge is that if they are still making all these indirect gestures without being more honest and direct, they are showing you they are still the same avoidant you left in the last round. They are still driven by insecurity and trying to avoid being vulnerable and have limited capacity to have a clear healthy communication style. So instead of just feeling grateful and excited that they finally come back or still have feelings, it is more beneficial to think about whether this is really what you want? A partner who cannot be direct and honest about their intention? If they are still doing all those behaviors, then it is very likely they will just run away again when you try to have that tough conversation finally, after dancing around with them in the grey zone...or worse, get sucked back into that ambitious dynamic where they get their connection needs met without actually doing the work.
@Twighlight333
7 күн бұрын
Im an FA and he is a DA and he always break NC, he cant go past the 2 weeks but i am extremely hot and cold, i was also raised by a Narcissist and a psychopath so im a pro at going no contact, ill walk past someone i love with all my heart without looking their way, not proud of this but it is a superpower that i use when i feel its needed
@BeYouTFully
7 күн бұрын
As a fellow FA, I can totally relate thoughts I try my best not to get to that point.
@Ivy-zs9lu
6 күн бұрын
Im also FA and my father was a narc. I can totally relate. I can love someone to my core - and still walk past them without flinching.
@Cre8Fire34
7 күн бұрын
My ex DA has no friends. She has sent an occasional text and email in the last four months about "my things" or a quick reminder of our last trip together in April ( I broke up with her as soon as the Uber dropped us off at her apartment - it was miserable, and honestly, scary to realize the depth of her chaos, self-absorption). I just sent her a closure letter two days ago. I don't expect her to respond - I kind of undressed all of her delusions, dysfunction- in that letter. I don't buy - for one second - that DA's aren't narcissists, dishonest and cruel - from a lack of awareness. Mine has a Machiavellian nastiness that would come out of nowhere to levy attacks...(even on our last trip in April - which I got for her because she had had a brutal Winter, and I wanted us to have some fun. I think they passive-aggressively know exactly how they behave. I've never wished ill on anyone. And I don't wish ill on her, per se. But I do want karma to pay back what she has given out.
@sifublack192
7 күн бұрын
Sounds like a narcissist. They're NOTORIOUS for not having any friends. DAs typically thrive in friendships.
@Ivy-zs9lu
6 күн бұрын
That sounds like a narcissist... DA and narcissists are not the same at all..
@Ivy-zs9lu
6 күн бұрын
I hope you heal no matter what she was ❤️
@Cre8Fire34
6 күн бұрын
@@Ivy-zs9lu they may not be "the same" - but studies show that DA's make up more narcissists than any other attachment style. It makes sense because what has formed their core wounds are so similar.
@Cre8Fire34
6 күн бұрын
@@Ivy-zs9lu I hope so, too. I'm working on myself ( was doing so while in the relationship). But she really did a number on me. In trying to empathize and be patient with her issues - and show her optimism, stability - and FUN ( what should be an underlying theme and pursuit in every relationship) - she stabbed me in the back. And the front. And the side.
@aliendays5616
7 күн бұрын
my avoidant ex broke up with me impulsively in a stressful time of his life. I broke no contact after a few months to ask if he wanted to meet and catch up, and he enthusiastically agreed. the way he acted when we met was so warm and loving, same as he was during the relationship. felt like our connection was still very much alive. That was a few weeks ago. he hasn't reached out since then :/ don't know what to do
@Skatergirl1175
7 күн бұрын
This is what happened to me with my FA ex boyfriend exactly.
@aliendays5616
6 күн бұрын
@@Skatergirl1175 what ended up happening?
@dia.ko08
8 күн бұрын
Please tell me I am not the only one watching this because the silence during No Contact is killing me. I just need a glimmer of hope he'll come around. He won't because he wants to respect my decision about NC but I keep on hoping. 🙄
@SK-no2pp
8 күн бұрын
@@dia.ko08 false hope. "Moving on" is a reoccurring challenge when living with unintegrated Attachment Trauma. For those of us who experienced being chronically ignored, neglected, or abandoned in childhood, it means that we were also 'stuck' in a family where change was not possible. We had to endure and at times felt powerless. Essentially, we were trained to stay stuck, not speak up, and not take action. We were groomed to TOLERATE and endure being with people whose support and presence were disrespectful, disloyal, wishy-washy, absent, or dismissive in some way, to some degree, some of the time. So, we take this "skill" of tolerating being emotionally ignored into our adult relationships. We almost expect to be given little attention and emotional connection. Our core beliefs are that we don't matter and that we are unworthy. Therefore, we struggle to leave relationships because we were taught to stay no matter what. We didn't learn the good skill of leaving. We didn't learn how to end being treated poorly because if we had it would have meant walking away from our parents and family. Now what child has that capacity, wherewithal, and inner resource to do that? As a child, we're still dependent and need our family. The child shouldn't even be put in that situation in the first place. Families shouldn't emotionally ignore children. As adults, we all have to learn how to end relationships. We need to learn how to heal our Attachment Trauma. This of course takes work. It's a skill. For many of us, this is a lifelong commitment to healing work.
@dallo6196
7 күн бұрын
Find someone new trust me I’ve bin there don’t wait round waiting wasting your time find someone that loves and appreciates you
@evagreen9968
7 күн бұрын
You are not the only one. I just passed more than one year with my DA. The pattern was like two weeks of contact followed by two months of silence from his side. It was a long distance relationship. In the beginning I was sooo relieved and happy when he was reaching out. But everytime this pattern repeated I got more sad, bcs I knew he would disappear again. Till finally I finished it 3 weeks ago, bcs it felt heartbreaking and abusive. Although I understand his behavior and have empathy, I was not able to keep this going. All the best for you
@anjijack5392
7 күн бұрын
@evagreen9968 Your scenario sounds very similar to mine. Ended it a little over a year ago. He did reach out for my birthday last year, which, ironically, will be here again next week. Will he reach out again? I sure hope not. Because all I said last time was "thank you." I know he wanted more from me in the way of a response, but I had nothing left to give. Now, if he does it again, I don't even care. So, it's TBD. Hugs! 🫶🏼 P.S. We were ldr, too.
@dia.ko08
7 күн бұрын
@@evagreen9968 Dear Eva, similar pattern here: 4 month long distance situationship-ish but with an FA and hence very hot/cold. I ended it 3 weeks ago when he announced he considers getting back together with his ex. Enough is really enough and at some point we have to take care of ourselves. Would be nice if it felt better sooner though. 😅 I wish you all the best aswell! ❤️
@Conversationswithesther
7 күн бұрын
They don’t care at all even if they do these things 😂. They don’t care MOVE ON
@DangThanhPhuc
7 күн бұрын
this video format suits me a lot
@BruceJC75
3 күн бұрын
So she reaches out, even sets a date, and then bails. Nothing but breadcrumbs…
@k8tifer
3 күн бұрын
Does the course cover if/when we should reach out to them if we're only seeing some of these signs (indirect social media interactions that are escalating) vs should we just wait for them to directly reach out in some way? I don't want to jump to conclusions or spook them but I also question either they just don't know how to directly reach out after previously saying they weren't interested 🤔
@joshuachristian5443
7 күн бұрын
At work, I keep seeing mine look at from a far...but if we walk past each other she refuses to make eye contact with me and looks so stiff and ridged. She also stopped talking to everyone she was friends with at work and even stepped down from her promotion she worked so hard to get. As for social media...I stopped using it years ago.
@melissalavrisa4055
7 күн бұрын
His loss. His problems.
@Skatergirl1175
4 күн бұрын
Thank you for that kind statement.
@Lostinstarsss
7 күн бұрын
My DA partner has an ex who ghosted him in their relationship twice. Last year after vanishing she reappeared shortly after we began to date. He searched through her social media and liked a few posts. It ultimately triggered him and we broke up for 2 months. We got back together and our relationship has been night and day for the better. We communicate and I give him space while not taking it person. Fast forward over six months and his ex made her presence known to him again. She began posting memories about their time together and how she still loves him although they have not spoken in 2 years now. Since her return this year he has completely ignored her, and stepped up posting happy memories with me and memories we are making together. I hope this is the end of him still harboring feelings for her, and she will eventually take the hint he has moved on and she should also. Please tell me if I am being naive.
@buimy445F
7 күн бұрын
awesome!!
@LiễuVĩnhToản
7 күн бұрын
full support
@ericj.9287
7 күн бұрын
get over it. There is nothing to gain here
@daniellediaz2516
7 күн бұрын
If bitter was a person
@cdidonato
3 күн бұрын
I can’t afford coaching right now but I need help! My ex and i technically broke up a year ago but have been in contact pretty much daily since then. I have made all the mistakes or pleading and begging and have starting to make the changes for personal growth for me not to just respark. A few months ago she admitted to dating an old flame that’s the complete opposite of me and who lives three states away. She is going there this weekend and I can’t go through it with her. We were in contact during the last trip. Despite her saying there’s no chance anymore since she’s given me so many chances before she still shows some signs she has feelings; such as keeping me at arms length, sharing details of her life. I don’t know what to do now. I still want to fight for her even though she says it will never happen.:::
@Skatergirl1175
7 күн бұрын
I’m an anxious female. My fa ex boyfriend ghosted me. We got back together for one week after 10 weeks of no contact. Then he dumped me again through a text message. I got too close and it caused him to get scared and anxious. I did NOT respond for 10 days. Then I reached out and now he texts me once a day and does not always respond to my reply. Im anxious and I still love him even after he has ripped my heart out multiple times. He does not know that’ he is a fearful avoidant. To all the FA’s here why is he doing this?
@hannalicious_c
7 күн бұрын
That’s because he’s triggered,try and stay and no contact or low contact! It will you a lot even though it seems very difficult but u need to take this step
@Skatergirl1175
7 күн бұрын
If he’s triggered, then why contact me at all? It’s almost daily. One single text. When I respond he will usually not respond back.
@hannalicious_c
7 күн бұрын
@@Skatergirl1175 because he still wants access to you even though he doesn’t wanna commit but don’t give him this opportunity
@Skatergirl1175
6 күн бұрын
So I should not respond when he reaches out? I know that he loves me. He got scared and ran away again. He’s just like all of the other stories in these comments. Talks about how much he loves me and then breaks up the a day later.
@Ivy-zs9lu
6 күн бұрын
You are triggering him and I think the FA core wound of "feeling trapped" gets activated a lot with AA. I'm pure FA and I have always stayed away from AA and always been drawn to DA. This is because (I'm so sorry to say this) but AA people really drain me and overstep boundaries and create a lot of dramatic situations and guilt trip a lot and then get sad and angry and throw tantrums when you don't bend your boundaries for them. They also keep on triggering my core wounds of feeling trapped. This is highly stressful situations, whereas with DA I feel that I can breathe and my boundaries are respected and I feel safe. However, with the DA i get other wounds triggered ofc. We are all unhealed people at the end of the day. My best advice is to heal your attachment, just like all of us needs to do. I'm currently working on myself to try to heal the FA in me. Learning how to communicate better is really hard for me when I get the core wound of "feeling used" triggered and I constantly fight the urge to not end the relationship in a second. I hope everything works out for you ❤️
@kiacordwell811
3 күн бұрын
Honest question: why would anyone want to get back into a relationship with a DA? I’m not trying to say a DA isn’t worthy of being loved, however, I’m sure if anyone who has been entangled with a DA knew they were dealing with a DA from the inception, the DA wouldn’t be their 1st pick. So if you manage to detach and break away from a DA why go back? I’m just curious, not trying to shame the DA. Also, what if you are married to a DA and didn’t realize it until later on? It appears this video was geared towards people who were not married (but broken up/saparated from) a DA and trying to rekindle/get back together.
@refreshingtwist
3 күн бұрын
I would argue that a DA usually meets a crucial "unmet need" of the other person... and maybe not any other need of that person... but because they meet that one crucial need - the other person is massively addicted to the DA. For me, it is that he WANTS ME so badly. And that is one of my biggest unmet needs. The desire to be WANTED. Other than that, we don't have much in common AT ALL. But he has plagued my mind for YEARS. It's often a trauma bond. No securely attached person would put up with the games of a DA. Or any other insecure attachment, for that matter. Unless the person was putting in significant effort to heal.
@garyforbes8711
7 күн бұрын
My ex occasionally likes a Facebook post of mine. Recently, my mother passed away and she mailed a sympathy card. I messages back, "Thank You", that was it.
@SunshineAndSnowflakes
7 күн бұрын
Sorry about your mom. Mine is in ICU as I write this and it's not looking good. 😞
@garyforbes8711
7 күн бұрын
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes So sorry
@sherrymshephard-massat5929
6 күн бұрын
I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with being friends with your ex. There's so many videos about how to get him or her back romantically, but not as a friend. I would love to be just friends with my ex. He's the one that blocks my number when I haven't even tried to contact in three months. Last time I did call, I was on his side of town and just called to say, "Hey, dude! I'm in the old neighborhood and thought about cha'." Now, any other time, I'd even say that this dude does NOT want to talk, but he'll think nothing at all about coming to my house AFTER he's ghosted me! I call him 'my friend' because I'm hoping that he gets it that there's nothing wrong with us just being friends. That way, there'd be no need for his avoidant issues coming to the surface. I wish he'd stop the madness of blocking my number. All that shows is that he's still got feelings forand about me that he's not dealing with.
@paulinak.1736
Күн бұрын
Being friends with your ex can only work after some time, if you no longer have feelings for him. What is unfortunate, is that they usually offer this just post-breakup, because they still want all the benefits of contact with you without having to commit. Mine DA ex did that too. I told him it was too early for me to do that, I just needed some time to heal, but I would like to have some connection in the future. We pretty much agreed on that. He reached out to me, sure. Several days and maybe 2 weeks after the breakup. But since then, there is almost 8 months of radio silence. The breakup wasn't bad, there wasn't a fight. Since he disappeared for almost 2 weeks without a warning after I told him I was ok with him needing a space, but I need a clear communication about it, I just had to end it. He kept on saying how important I was to him and how he still wants some connection with me. I guess he changed his mind pretty soon
@sheritakay
7 күн бұрын
Mine is currently making fake social profiles because I blocked him. I worry that he's spiraling or a narcissist. I want to give him relief. Does this sound like DA behavior?
@sifublack192
7 күн бұрын
Oh that's a narcissist for sure. Don't do it cuz I've seen how it plays out and it isn't good...
@erikaschutz2947
7 күн бұрын
@@sifublack192 DA can on top be narcisist, they can be very toxic to cope with situations they do not really have the means to understand, I was a supporter of love no matter what, but there comes a point where I have to say it is lost effort. Be strong and do not give in anymore, you are worth of someone who does not make you doubt or wonder what is going on, on cost of your emotional sanity and believe me it slowly pulls you down and you risk after some time loosing it. It happened to me, and it hurts and the pain becomes unbearable. If you can, do not engage and be strong and leave him sort his shit by himself. I should have done that long ago myself, now feeling like a failure because I was the one to act out today, and he could say I am the reason for him to not want a anything with me Autsch
@sifublack192
7 күн бұрын
@@erikaschutz2947 I'd say the same thing about APs. My most recent ex was AP and even often referred to herself in the third person. She started fights for no reason, and was one of the biggest Hippocrates I've ever meant. Oh, and forget about a safe space to discuss any issues in the relationship. Everything was racist/misogynistic/patriarchal when I brought anything up. However, her attachment style was irrelevant. The point is that one needs to look at the behaviors of an individual and stop letting emotions override logic. I should've left her long before I did, but I kept thinking I needed to put in work. Nothing I could've done would've changed a thing and I would've continued walking on eggshells had I stayed with her. APs, DAs, FAs; they can ASK be narcissists, but I find more often than not the APs are the narcissists.
@Stan12122
7 күн бұрын
@@sifublack192bruh what you said had nothing to do with her attachment style but her persona.
@sifublack192
7 күн бұрын
@@Stan12122 bruh, attachment style AFFECTS your persona and I've dated enough APs to know that. Go study then again and come back.
@FrankyboyFloyd
4 күн бұрын
Just move on guys… just move on… Don’t waste your life
@MrJoxxxi
5 күн бұрын
Why would I care about my ex? Work on letting go people...
@headshot8888
5 күн бұрын
Are there any emotionally healthy people around anymore?
@taraistic
7 күн бұрын
But what about if they’re not on any of your socials (we never added each other) and your number is blocked?
@nicoleslavens4934
7 күн бұрын
Then your relationship was more of a friend's with benefits situation. And you should move on.
@SK-no2pp
7 күн бұрын
@@taraistic keep it moving. Move on to someone healthy
@PhùngHưngCư
7 күн бұрын
finally
@stewartbatchar6376
8 күн бұрын
@thepersonaldevelopmentschool what if her assistant messaging me and updating me about her, is it indirectly?
@SK-no2pp
8 күн бұрын
@@stewartbatchar6376 why is her assistant updating you? do you guys work together? Are you her boss? So weird
@stewartbatchar6376
7 күн бұрын
@@SK-no2pp sometimes I think of that. Do you think, the reason why her assistant is messaging me is just because my ex wants some updates about me?
@SK-no2pp
7 күн бұрын
@@stewartbatchar6376 you didn’t answer any of my questions.
@bearface9706
8 күн бұрын
My ex broke up with me 2 months ago, I did no contact for 5 weeks and then 2 days after my birthday she unfriended me on fb. No conflicts before breakup, sudden discard when our connection only seemed to be getting stronger, and she messaged that she was doing great after the breakup, never showed her emotions, minimized the situation. Do you think her unfriending after 5 weeks of NC means she started feeling something or was always struggling with it? Do I stay in NC or reach out soon?
@SK-no2pp
8 күн бұрын
@@bearface9706 if someone broke up with you, didn’t wish you a happy birthday, removed you from Facebook, doesn’t show any emotions, is this the kind of relationship you desire? What are you hoping to accomplish by reaching out again, what’s changed? If a relationships has become toxic or detrimental to your wellbeing you may have to acknowledge the need to step away. This doesn't mean you have stopped loving your partner or that you blame them for the things that didn't work out - it means you are taking care of your own psychological and emotional needs. Ask yourself how are we growing? How does this relationship serve me? How does it make me happy? If you're struggling to find the answers, you may already know the answer as painful as it might be. You will need to decide if you are able to truly accept the distance. If it causes you more pain than you can bear, and leaves you in a mindset of bitterness and resentment, then you need to consider leaving. You shouldn't have to dismiss your needs and accept the absence of connection if it's having a damaging impact on you.
@sifublack192
7 күн бұрын
Stay in NC. When you focus on your hobbies and interests, you'll find that there are plenty of better women out there for you. When my most recent ex broke up with me because of her unresolved triggers, I did just that. I met a girl at the gym and we started up a conversation. We went on coffee dates, worked out together, and even went to the beach together. She even showed an interest in learning martial arts from me and studied with me privately for two months! Several months later I fell for a good friend of mine of 10 years and our night together had more fireworks than I ever felt with my ex. It changed my whole perspective on things and taught me something: 1) I need a woman who has a similar hobbyies and interests (the gym, martial arts). 2) I need a woman who can provide a safe space to be myself. While both of these came from different women, I know I can find someone who can easily provide both. Get out there and don't let her manipulate you into believing you deserve less.
@erikaschutz2947
7 күн бұрын
the thing is they are like allerergic to love, the closer you get, the more they are compeled to run away. It is cruel, because you have so much love for them, but there is really no way you can establish a normal love relationship with people with such avoidant styles, I do not want to give you any advice, I know how it sucks, nut if I were you, I would pick up your pieces and heal and take your time to come to yourself and leave her sort out her shit alone. Went through the same and after a year I ended being the one who was to blame and it hurts and is devastating.
@sifublack192
7 күн бұрын
@@erikaschutz2947 well she wasn't avoidant, she was Anxious. The relationship has been over for the last several years, so I've been playing the field ever since. I do admit that I lean avoidant and don't give my heart to anyone (however, I do SHARE my heart with others), but I also have dated avoidants in the past and they are much easier than anxious people are. I would even choose Fearful Avoidants over Anxious Preoccupieds in this regard. My point is you should ALWAYS guard yourself because once you get sucked in, it isn't easy getting out.
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